I am one of those parents at school. You know the ones. Always in class helping with groups, on the canteen, sending e-mails to organise events, in the uniform shop, on the cake stall. The list is endless and so is my ability to seem to always be there as the smiling helper, never letting my children or anyone else down.
Well, I am almost broken. The smile is wearing thin. Maybe you need to know what I am really thinking.
Don’t get me wrong. I love to volunteer and that is why I do it. I enjoy being part of my community, of doing my part and teaching my children about service to others. I have met some fantastic, giving people. Many are very grateful for the roles I play, especially when times are hard for them. I am so glad to be able to support other parents at those times.
Sadly though, we too often use up those who are prepared to do their bit as we expect too much and stretch them to breaking point. As one of these parents, I have turned a terrible corner this year and now I am resentful. Resentful of the expectation that I will always help and resentful of my own goals going unmet as my volunteer burden has become too great.
There are a few points I would like to make to those who have pushed me to this point:
1. I do not volunteer because I have nothing better to do. I am a highly qualified professional who has more than enough to fill a day twice over. I feel like I want to put this on a t-shirt or at least a badge.
2. When I send out a request for help, please do not send me back a list of reasons why you cannot help.
3. Please do not send me details of your schedule like it is my job to work around it. Would you like a copy of my schedule back for you to work around?
4. I just want to do my bit. I do not want to do your bit as well.
5. I know you are busy. See point 1.
6. I should not have to chase you for a response. Sure, I will smile and say it is fine, but I am not thinking that it is fine. I am thinking that it is rude not to get back to someone who is volunteering to help your child.
7. I have children too and whatever problems you are having, I am probably having them as well, plus having to try to fix yours.
8. Do not get angry with me. I am not being paid. I am doing my best.
So please remember to appreciate your volunteers, do what you can to help them to make their jobs as easy as possible and don’t forget that a thank you would go a long way.
This post was written by someone who is known to Mamamia but who wishes to remain anonymous.
Do you volunteer? Have you recently “retired” from volunteering?
Comments
194 Comments so far
So much of this just does not make sense:
‘When I send out a request for help, please do not send me back a list of reasons why you cannot help.’
Maybe people feel terrible about not genuinely being able to help and send you such a list because you clearly get so angry when people can’t help? They don’t want to be on the angry list.
‘Please do not send me details of your schedule like it is my job to work around it. Would you like a copy of my schedule back for you to work around?’
This makes perfect sense to me. Maybe they don’t realise it is not your job? Maybe they are just trying to help? Sounds like damned if you do damned if you don’t.
‘I have children too and whatever problems you are having, I am probably having them as well, plus having to try to fix yours.’
No, you are not. You NEVER know what is going on in someone’s life. Many people are private people. My mum never volunteered at my high school because she was, and is, battling mental illness and could not cope with volunteering despite seemingly having time. Some people may have dying relatives you don’t know about, personal problems you have no idea about.
As someone who appears outwardly healthy and with lots of time I find the instant judgements people make on my life hard to swallow. No one has any idea what is going on in my life and I don’t feel I have to share my personal medical and life information with someone so they don’t judge me for not helping out more.
This post should have been kept as someone’s end of the day rant to a friend or husband. There is lots to say on volunteering but this is is disappointing and conflicting.
I waitress and have a long list of things that customer’s do that annoy me, and ways I wish people behaved to make my life easier. But at the end of the day I take a deep breath and think to myself ‘they just don’t know, they just don’t know, how could they? Few people intentionally try to make my life hard, so smile, be polite, and work with it’.
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Remember it’s one person’s story – respect her story even if you don’t agree with it and tell your own. As you said “You NEVER know what is going on in someone’s life.”
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In the regional city where I live, the whole place seems to be staffed by volunteers!
When I first moved here, I fronted up at the local Community Centre or equivalent and asked about volunteering. I was handed a six-inch thick spring binder file full of “vacancies” and was asked to choose the “ones” I would be interested in. Note: …the “ones.” Plural.
I chose one, fronted up and was told my “regular hours” and informed of my “duty list,” and instructed to always turn up as I’d otherwise be letting too many others down. I gave it a whirl, but found it too regimented and there was no allowance made for illness or non-attendance in any form.
I’ve since found out that this place seems to be fully staffed by volunteers – even established and (seemingly) prosperous businesses have volunteer staff.
I now volunteer my time for a health-related charity. I can do this on my own terms, thankfully, and call my own shots. They are just grateful someone can and will do it.
But if it’s going to stress you – Just. Say. No.
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Holy crap – how did this article become another ‘us versus them’ attack? The essence of the article was about respect. The battle of volunteering will be one that will remain, just as the battle, sadly of stay-at-home mums vs career/working mums will remain a touchy issue (which I don’t believe this article was about).
But I fully understand the frustration of this author. I also fully understand the situations of those who cannot or choose not to volunteer. I have been in both situations and for a variety of reasons. I also understand how other volunteers can make it unpleasant for other well meaning volunteers and put them off participating (P & Fs are a great example, I have found). When my children were younger I was always putting my hand up for different activities to assist. And like the author I started to find that I felt I was being taken for granted. Reality was that I spread myself very thin and became resentful of others not helping. You do get caught up and the need to say no is necessary, as is the need to accept no gracefully for an answer.
But at the same time, while I am always mindful of families who can not volunteer, it is disappointing when they are aggressive, demanding and rude. There are times at the tuckshop that parents (not the students) speak to me like I’m the hired help – I’m not hired, I’m helping out. Respect please. Just like you want me to respect you.
I think parents often are scared off from volunteering by attitudes from other parents (I have been), or they think that the little they could possibly do isn’t worth offering (wrong – every little bit helps). Like everything, balance is the secret. Volunteer co-ordinators need to be mindful of someone who they always call upon, treat all voluneers with respect regardless of how much or little they do. And volunteers need to follow through with their commitments, mindful of the person they may inconvenience if they don’t, and also treat families with respect who may appear to not be knee deep in volunteer work.
Volunteering is not a competition and we all do it for different reasons. For those who are knee deep in volunteering and feeling a little like the author, I learnt to say no – but I phrase it in a way, such as, “I wish I could help, but I feel so selfish taking this opportunity to help away from someone else.” I feel fine saying this, as I already do volunteer work, but if I didn’t I would probably say, “thank you for thinking of me but I am unable to assist at this time.” Polite and respectful. And for those who do not volunteer can I just share how much it does mean to your children. My husband (he is step-dad to my two children) has always thrown himself in helping out. He grew up with parents who always pitched in. One night at swimming, my husband was helping as time-keeper, my daughter walked over to him, slipped her little hand into his, and said, “I love you helping at swimming because it means you are here watching me.” The big man teared up. That little gesture made it all worthwhile. Needless to say for the next 6 years he hasn’t missed an opportunity to help at the sporting events. And the thanks are always there. My son told me how much he loved that I was there flipping burgers at rowing regattas. In his words, “it shows how much you love me mum, ‘cos I know you could be doing something more worthwhile.” Most kids love their parents helping out. And it gives me an opportunity to get to know the kids, the teachers, the adults that are a part of my childrens’ lives.
Respect each other’s choices. Please.
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I’m a step-mother with no biological chidren of my own. I would love to volunteer and help but my husband’s ex-wife has made it crystal clear that this is unacceptable and not my place. Last year was the first year that I was “allowed” to go to their speech day.
His ex-wife was the one to leave the marriage (cheating on him with one of his closest friends) and my husband has had to fight tooth and nail to be informed on what is happening with his children’s lives. In the past the children have been told that they were not allowed to tell him of events that are coming up. Now that at least he is in a place that he has fought for (to be involved in his children’s lives), I don’t want to do anything to jepordise that.
The reason that I write all of this, is I wonder why we spend so much time judging others for what they do or don’t do. You are able to help and that is fantastic. By not offering to help, I am actually trying to do the right thing by my step-children. Right or wrong, judge me if you will.
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Me too, I read this and thought “is this for real?”
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I get where you are coming from. Really, I do. But I take offense at your suggestion that I not send you a copy of my schedule for you to ‘work’ around. I’m a full time shift worker. This means that I do not get to work 9am-5pm Monday to Friday and then come home to my family. Furthermore, my shifts aren’t static. I can’t guarantee I will be free every tuesday evening for the next six weeks. If I send you a copy of my roster, it’s because I genuinely WANT to help and I’m asking you if my availability is going to be of any use to you whatsoever? Sometimes, recording a schedule back in response to a cry for help isn’t a cop out. It’s a genuine form of trying to give you a helping hand.
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Just say no. It’s liberating and you’ll feel better for it.
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I should also add that I am a mother of 3 children under the age of 5 and working part time. I understand the importance and value volunteers have in our society and I appreciate their efforts. I volunteer at my local play group each term. There are opportunities to expand my involvement (which I may consider when no. 3 is a bit older) but I know my limits and know when I’m happy to put my hand up and when not to. The last thing I want to become is a resentful volunteer.
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Great to be a volunteer, good to be appreciated. But at the point at which YOU start getting resentful I am thinking “This is your problem for not knowing when to say ‘no’.”
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The people I find most difficult to get to volunteer are the mums and dads who have come to australia from countries where schools do not have P&C groups, so they feel nervous and uncomfortable about saying they will help, or even knowing what is required of them.
Any ideas to help them get involved?
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Be really specific. I found it the best way to help me with various projects I’ve run. I would say, I need someone to come in and stuff envelopes for 3 hours on Saturday morning etc. By breaking things down into small understandable tasks you get people involved and then they often take on more.
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Ask them directly and exactly what you want from them
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Funny, I thought I wrote this column when I started reading it.
Two years ago I took on the position of P&C president at my school and then the uniform shop coordinator quit and I was left running the school uniform shop as well. I also had a major role in organising the school fete last year and was on an interview panel to employ a the new school principal. I also did reading groups for years until my child was older.
I WORK FULL TIME.
I felt over committed.
It was only when I suggested outsourcing the uniform shop and the school would lose a few thousand in profit each year when another parent volunteer put their hand up, and they are doing a great job.
My son is in Year 6 this year and I have given up my roles but I still volunteer monthly in the uniform shop which is no effort.
Everyone is busy.
PARENTS WHO DON’T WORK ARE JUST AS BUSY WITH COMMITTMENTS AS PARENTS WHO DO.
If every parent did a little bit, the same few would not be doing everything.
Many people create a community.
The best thing about our school fete last year was the sense of community as lots of people helped organise and many volunteered on the day.
My goal this year was to say NO when I needed to.
And guess what I don’t feel the least bit guilty as I know I have done more than my fair share over the past 7 years.
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“PARENTS WHO DON’T WORK ARE JUST AS BUSY WITH COMMITTMENTS AS PARENTS WHO DO.”
Yes, everyone is busy, but obviously parents who hold down paid employment and have to keep an employer happy in addition to running a household have less flexibility than parents who do not also work outside of the home.
I happen to agree everyone should do their bit on the volunteer front but some parents will have a more adaptable schedule than others due to work commitments. You can deny it in capital letters all you like but nothing is going to change that simple fact
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“Yes, everyone is busy, but obviously parents who hold down paid employment and have to keep an employer happy in addition to running a household have less flexibility than parents who do not also work outside of the home.”
How do you know that? Do you know every other commitment that stay at home parents have?
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I’ve been both a SAHM and a part-time working mum and I can 100% assure you there is less flexibility in your schedule if have you have to work as well. Meetings, time spent in the office, driving to and from work, having to explain and be accountable for your whereabouts to your boss and co-workers at all times – of course time is more of an issue when you are juggling all of that on top of being a parent and running a household.
Like many SAHMs I kept busy and was never short of tasks, but at least there was some flexibility and I was able to commit to volunteer and community projects with a lot more freedom than when I am working.
Surely you can see that is the way it is. I’m not having a go at SAHMs but of course anyone who doesn’t have to clock on and off in a paid job has more freedom with their time. Sorry but it is nonsense to suggest otherwise
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You missed my point. Do you know all that person’s OTHER commitments?
Are you sure that they aren’t doing paid work at home?
Are you sure that they aren’t also someone’s carer?
Are you sure that they aren’t sick?
Are you sure that they aren’t loaded down with medical appointments, their own or others?
Are you sure that transport is not an issue for them?
Are you sure that their kids aren’t too young for them to be any help anyway? (when you have a child strapped to you 6 out of 7 days a week, and they’re too screamy/tantrummy/running around constantly, that rules out a lot of vol. jobs. In fact, the last school we were at requested we not bring toddlers or preschoolers to the reading program, for example)?
Are you sure that they aren’t doing volunteer work somewhere else?
Are you sure that they aren’t studying?
NO ONE knows anyone else’s routine, be it a stay at home mum’s routine nor a working mum’s, so no one should judge anyone else
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Any reasonable person would acknowledge that any and all of the factors can play a part in anyone’s schedule. We all can have doctor’s appointments and sick parents and transport challenges – SAHMs don’t have the monopoly on life’s complications, you know!
But in any case my point was that I disagreed with your sweeping statement above that: PARENTS WHO DON’T WORK ARE JUST AS BUSY WITH COMMITMENTS AS PARENTS WHO DO. I strongly disagree with that and nothing you have said has addressed that original claim or swayed me in any way. Like I said, life is messy for everyone – the 9-5ers and the rest. But if you are holding down a paid job on top of all that then your schedule is less flexible.
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Ok, first off: I didn’t say these issues were exclusive to SAHMS, in fact I said neither SAHMS nor working mums should be judged.
Secondly:
I’m not the one who made the caps lock statement above.
Thirdly:
whether someone is working or
SAHM, when parents are being judged on whether or not they are doing ‘enough’ at school, it is usually with NO idea at all of the other demands on that person’s life. Hence why I said no one has the right to judge anyone.
People aren’t always vocal about their other commitments, and frankly, it’s no one else’s business
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I also forgot to add one crucial point: if someone is a carer, then chances are they aren’t working full time. So they might ‘look’ like a SAHM, when in actual fact they are a full time (and overtime!) carer.
If you are a carer, then we’re not talking about the ‘odd’ doctor’s appointment. You could be looking at a mountain of appointments every week!
I am a carer to my partner who has mental illness. I’m also a SAHM. But at the moment, it’s my caring duties that restrict my time, and my schedule is incredibly rigid. But very few people at the school would know that, because it’s none of their business, but thankfully it’s rare for me to feel judged and I wouldn’t listen anyway
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Sharon, sorry for attributing the capped comment to you. Realise after i had posted my last reply it wasn’t you so sorry – my bad. That said however you have argued the point quite strongly and it is a point I take issue with.
Essentially my point is a simple mathematical equation – parents who work in the workforce on top of home and child-rearing duties have a less flexible schedule. In my mind that is irrefutable.
You are now countering that with all sorts of exceptions – circumstances that can apply to anyone. If we focus on the exception and not the rule then the above statement falls apart. And that is what I am discussing.
In terms of carers, well I can only say I believe they trump all of us in terms of obligations and hard work. I’ve been a SAHM and a part-time working mum and I know the latter is much harder in terms of time management, but I have nothing but utter respect for anyone who is a carer. To most of us I think they would be considered exempt from the volunteer debate here – like I say, I’m just talking about an average SAHM schedule versus an average working parent schedule.
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Sharon, I agree with you completely. We should never assume we know what another person has on their plate. There is a mum I know who I had always assumed had a pretty easy life, 2 kids both at school, footloose and fancy free during the day. Got to know her last year when our kids played sport together. She actually works nightshift as a nurse. She sleeps all day once the kids are at school. I had no idea and I now understand why she cant do stuff, she’s exhausted.
Also SAHMs, especially those with littlies are busy all day doing what working mums use childcare for, so please dont say they have freedom. Besides anyone who has had to care for a 2yo knows, you cant seriously look after a child and stand at a cake stall for more than a few minutes. It just wont work. SAHMs I know with kids at school are usually spread so thin helping out here there and everywhere, plus caring for aging parents and running them to appointments the days are short and there is only so much time before the school day is over and they are all back at home.
Sometimes, they just dont want to volunteer because some mums can be so bloody clicky its unpleasant.
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all of those circumstances you list apply to mothers who work full and part-time as well. we all get sick/care for elderly parents/have young kids etc etc. the point is that when you are in paid work, you have to squeeze all of those things in around an immoveable object – your work hours! I agree with the poster who says it’s silly to suggest otherwise. I had all the time in the world when I was at home full-time – and when any of those above circumstances cropped up, luckily I had the flexibility to accommodate them..
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I think there are a lot of generalisations here. SAHM parents with babies and toddlers have less spare time than anyone else. And their days are ruled as much as anyone elses by schedules and routines and volunteering their time would be a huge juggle.
Another assumption that irritates me is that if you have family nearby you have babysitters on tap. Especially when parents are older time is spent running them to Doctors appointments and caring for them, so just because someone has relatives living nearby please dont assume that they have it easier than most. Its usually easier to pay a babysitter and be done with it
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“You can deny it in capital letters all you like but nothing is going to change that simple fact”
YES!
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I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been a volunteer so many times, and the worst is when the other “volunteers” do nothing, except turn up at the end to get the praise.
At one stage I was essentially working another full time job with all the volunteering I was doing, and it ran me down so badly I got glandular fever. So I pulled back. The reaction when I stopped from one major role was appalling, like I was abandoning them (I stood down as president at the annual election after giving 4 months notice). All I could think was well it is about time the rest of you realised what I’ve been doing.
Feeling that bitter was what told me it was time to take a break. People think of me as the volunteering type so I get asked ALL the time. But for now my health is coming first, I’ve finally learned to say no.
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I found myself doing a larger than was fair chunk of volunteer work when I was single and in St John’s.
What it comes down to is that we need to drop our martyr attitude that we allow ourselves to fall into, and give ourselves permission to say no and set some boundaries.
I think the author of this post simply needs to say no if something doesn’t suit her, which is pretty much what the other parents are doing. I don’t see the other parents as being lazy or bad people, just that they have boundaries and priorities sorted really well.
I believe volunteer work should work around your life. I used to do a lot more volunteer work at school when I had just the one child, By the time I had two babies on top of that, I was doing none.
Then, I became a carer to my partner as well (my little ones are no longer babies), and yes, what is going on in my home is my priority. I did one volunteer gig this year so far, and enjoyed being able to do it. I think if you can’t volunteer with a happy heart, then it means you’re taking something from your own life that you or your family needs. That’s a choice every single one of us makes, no one does it to us.
I refuse to be taken for granted as a volunteer, but I also refuse to be made to feel guilt if I don’t do someone else’s perception of ‘enough’. I do what I can, when I can, so my conscience is perfectly clear
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I think it helps to accept that some do, some don’t and we’re all unlikely to change much at this stage. Sometimes you get in too deep before you realise so at least next time you’ll be aware of it. I’ve volunteered a lot in the past and loved it, while also feeling at times that it was an open-ended proposition and you can keep taking on everything that comes along and more. It’s hard to know your limit until it’s too late sometimes. I agree with the other posters – take a step back. I have this year (with a newborn and two others!) and I keep wanting to put my hand up so I do a little here and there, and the lovely thing about it all is that it’s making me want to do more as soon as I can – but being aware of the ins and outs next time.
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I respect what you do, and have done what I can when I can. But I would like to ask if you could clarify one thing for me: you say not to give you reasons/excuses as to why ppl can’t help, but also not to ignore you?
I was wondering, what would be the appropriate way for someone to answer you if they genuinely can’t help out on an occassion?
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If its a note just tick Yes or No or the day which suits you, if in person just say “Sorry I am unable to help you at this time!”. No need for a big long story as why you cant just say Sorry and walk away. Its the same as when you say to someone in the supermarket or in passing down the street “Hi! How are you?” and they give you their life story or the low down on their kids bowel habits. If I am asked I always say “Well thanks!” or if I am having a crap day “Having one of THOSE days!” Most Mums know what I am talking about…lol!
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Ok, gotcha:)
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Just a ‘no, sorry not this time’ is enough. The long winded ‘I have 3 children, I have to work that day, I’m too busy’ is just annoying because often the person asking for your help has more children, a more demanding job and is busier..
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I totally understand where you are coming from. Every family though has their limits and volunteering for some families is just not possible or attractive. Which is fine, its not for everyone and I know when I do it, I do it for the satisfaction it gives me and my kids love to see me helping too. Some families are genuinely too busy or have toddlers and babies to juggle or mum isnt well enough to cope with extra demands. All totally cool.
What I cant stand is when people volunteer to do a job that is a year long commitment that other people rely on being done ie class mum or committee position and then use their work or their baby or their something else as a reason why they cant actually do the job. If you know your toddler is demanding or your job wont allow you to get away to run the mothers day stall please dont volunteer to do it. There are people who want to do it who wont let other people down so just putting your hand up to earn brownie points without honouring the committment is just insulting to the people who have to do the dirty work for you when you cant turn up.
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Thank god our playgroup / play school / community centre belongs to a community with a strong volunteering ethos and a feeling of ownership! I have to run (literally run) to get my name on the parent volunteer register at play school each month, otherwise I won’t get a turn. And the spots on the board are hard to come by, too! Someone literally has to move away before they will relinquish their role. Even then, if they are within an hours commute, they will usually make the trip. It’s madness! Of course, this has just bred a culture of everyone holding on just a bit too tight…. You can’t win
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you are the mum that I stear clear of at the school gate…..Are you really doing all this for the kids, your kids or yourself.?…..get over yourself, if this is the biggest drama in your life, sheesh……..
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Does your school not gain anything from having volunteers dedictate their time to your community?
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I think that’s a bit harsh. She is merely presenting her point of view, one that I had never really considered. I often admire these people who volunteer all the time and I myself come to rely on the few regulars who always seem to volunteer their time in the various kids activities, and sporting & leisure groups I am involved in, assuming they have bucket loads of energy, skills & time to help. Not really the case at all. It’s a basic human desire to feel appreciated for efforts made for the benefits of others (in my view).
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I find the people who knock the volunteers but who never volunteer themselves are the first to complain when their childs lunch order isnt perfect or that little Johnnie didnt have anyone to read to for reading group.
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Well said. I am sick of the so called do gooder’s complaining about how hard they are doing it. If you are sick of it dont do it. I tried to connect with the parents at my kids P&C and I was asked why was I there and heavens forbid that I didnt agree with the clicky group. What volunteers have to remember that those working parents would love to volunteer and go to the school every other day but I have to work to pay for the mortgage/rent/food etc. Please dont criticise others that dont go to the school events as everyone circumstances are different. i have noticed more and more it is the working mums discriminated against when it was years ago the stay at home mums. I dont need the extra guilt about not volunteering either from some stranger that doesnt know my circumstances. But again if you hate it dont do it!!!!
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You lost me at “do gooders”
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I love it when working parents say they are too busy to volunteer. What…..you work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day??? There are many facets of volunteer work and there are many hours in a day. If you don’t want to volunteer, just say so but don’t use the excuse that you’re too busy.
My husband works full time and he manages to volunteer on the Canteen/ BBQ at Saturday sport among many other things he does when he’s not working.
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The hardest working volunteer family (both mum and dad) I know manage to juggle 2 different schools, lots of sporting committments and both parents work fultime. They have the desire to help out and thats all it takes.
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Lucky all those “do-gooders” don’t have to pay for their mortgage/food/rent huh!
I guess it just comes down to good time management and sense of community.
Also, can someone please tell me why it is assumed that all the volunteers are SAHMs?
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Lisa, I think the reason you’re stearing clear of these mums is because you don’t want to answer the question “can you help out in the canteen, reading group…..”
She’s not only doing it for her own child but for yours too.
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having 3 boys 22,16 and 9 , I can assure you Anon I have done my fair share of volunteering believe me, reading groups 1 morning a week even though it was on my only day off then I would go into the canteen and just serve the children at recess because I would start work at 1pm. Did this for years.
Too many sport carnivals, swimming carnivals cooking sausage sizzles etc etc….my hubby included…ferrying other peoples kids to various zone sport events because their parents were working , we didnt mind, I understand that parents are busy….Some times other parents took our kids…..
I just did what little I could to help out, but mainly for my kids to see my involved in their school. I know many mums like this we just didnt need to shout it from the rooftops or write a story about it.
Its a choice, if its too much then dont do it. It is a control thing sometimes with certain parents that they NEED to be in everything that opens and shuts at the school…It is supposed to be an enjoyable experience and if your kids see you stressed out because of all that you are doing at the school, is it really worth it…..
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I agree with you there, some people volunteer to do very visible jobs just to be noticed. The mums who do the reading groups and cover the library books get no fanfare but happily get on with it because its valuable but they dont get the public recognition.
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… and you are the mum that I don’t need to I stear clear of at the school gate as you prefer not to get involved. You think everything is always everyone elses problem. Next time you you look over your shoulder you need to wipe off the big chip that’s there.
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Lisa – remember our comment rules. Not okay to attack people online any more than it is okay to attack them at the school gate.
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um and who exactly am I attacking…?
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Lana , maybe you should read the comment that I replied to, whos attacking who….? And this is why I rarely check in on Mamamia anymore…
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Lisa, I think when you start a comment by saying “you are the type of person I steer clear of” and ending with “get over yourself sheesh” it can sometimes be construed as an attack on the writer.
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In a nutshell it is wonderful that we have people that are willing to volunteer for anything! However those people need to know when enough is enough before they become resentful or worse a martyr. People who don’t volunteer have their reasons (justified or not). If these people don’t want to volunteer don’t push them as a disgruntled volunteer is bloody useless.
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From the parents who you don’t meet because they are working thank you for giving your time to your child’s school. I’m sorry that you’re not being respected. You are making a difference to those kids though so from me and them thanks again!
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see if everyone was like you then we wouldn’t have to have this discussion!
the fact is that many people aren’t grateful like you. it’s a shame cos people who do volunteer totally understand that some people just CANNOT fit it in.
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Oh well written.
Stealing point one.
I am disabled and I volunteer at my children’s school. Because my disability is not out in the open, most parents have pointed out that because I do not work, it is easy for me to be at the school every day. Yes every day. I help and encourage children in their reading and writing and I cheer them on. Little do they know, or their parents, the daily pain that I am in. Yet I smile and nod when I am told they are too busy. Yes I do understand that parents do work, have other appointments, and have a busy life. So do I.
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You sound like a very giving person and I applaud you for giving to people so that their lives are better.
You sound really tired of it though and I think lots of volunteers would empathise with you there.
I volunteer to all sorts of things. I don’t see myself as a volunteer though because I really do get paid for it. The payment is in the giving and the joy you see in the receivers’ faces – the kids, the oldies, the teens, etc.
If you’re tired out from it and not feeling the joy, it’s probably time to take a break for a bit and then come back refreshed, if you want to, to see a whole new round of joy in other’s faces xo
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Anonymous, I feel for you. What you are doing IS valued, and I’m glad that there are people like you who shoulder the burden. There will always be those who feel that sense of entitlement that because it isn’t a paid gig it can somehow be considered of lesser value and therefore a lesser priority.
Years ago I was elected as Licensee/President of my children’s long day care. Loved the role and the opportunity, tried really hard to improve things at the centre, changed the ‘us & them’ regime re committee and staff that had been endemic in previous years, and spent money and received killer grants from the government to make improvements. All the while there were a handful of other committee members who loved the ‘idea’ of being on the committee, but basically delivered sod all. I stuck it out for 18 months – during which time I was pregnant and had a newborn as well as two others and my own business. FInally had enough and resigned – just got sick of others assuming if they didnt undertake their tasks that I’d pick them up. Things went donwhill, and got very unpleasant and political – there were even reports to DoCs amongst other things. But I had to take a stand for mine and my family’s well being and stop taking on a role that felt like the more I did, the more I had to do.
Anonymous – trust your gut. Step back for a year and regather, regroup. Often the more you give of yourself, the more people will take. Only give what you are comfortable with, and be kind to you x
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What do you mean? Good or bad article?
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My mum used to work 2 jobs, and dad did shift work. When the one opportunity came up for her to help out by being a supervisor on a school excursion on one of her days off, she put her hand up and she helped. Yes she could have said she was busy and gone home to do the housework, instead she made it possible for us to go to the beach.
I think that too often people feel that it is beneath them, or they cant possibly have the time. In reality, we all have the time, we can make the time, even if it is only helping out on one thing once a year. If every parent in a school helped out once.. it would make a massive difference.
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I was treasurer for the kinder for the past 2 years and personally got alot out of being involved in it, and would do it again. I volunteer to help in sessions occasionally too, and am librarian this year.
My other son who is at primary school asks me when I’m coming in to the classroom to help with the literacy program. He gets a big kick out of having me there.
I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy giving something back and being involved, and for me it’s not about the thanks (because there generally are none). But I agree that there are those that Do and those that Don’t. I don’t think that will ever change.
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If you are fatigued by all this volunteering – don’t do it. You can’t expect other people to give the same amount that you do. Not everyone has the same priorites and many people have things going on in their lives that is bigger than volunteering at a school. It’s not very nice to put pressure on people to help, you may find that people not responding is masking their anxiety and stress about yet another person wanting a piece of them. And what would you prefer – someone saying they cannot help, or someone offering you their reason for it? I would suggest that it’s more polite for their to offer you a reason for not helping – not that anyone should have to answer to you. By all means, volunteer your time, and yes even expect a thank you for it – because you are doing a very nice thing. Expecting the same of everyone else though, kind of destroys the meaning of ‘volunteering’.
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Most people do have the same priorities when it comes to wanting their children to have up to date resources for the school and the option of special lunch days/canteen.
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I volunteer at school and have also managed my son’s club sport team. It can be really frustrating dealing with people who can’t or wont volunteer (for whatever reason). People who don’t respond to emails and texts are the most frustrating for me or those people who ignore your requests for help.
My advise would be to cut back on your volunteering and let someone else have a go. Explain your reasons and then come back next year hopefully with more energy.
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So relate to this!
In our school community we have a core group of fantastic parents that do everything.
We always advertise the community meetings in each newsletter welcoming everyone, still only the same group attend every time.
We request volunteers to assist with various acitvites and events and it’s always afterwards that parents say ” oh why didn’t you tell me I would have helped” umm we did!
Parents who miss the cut off date to return lunch orders, bookclub, fundraisers, and expect us to bend over backwards to accomodate them.
I could go on and on!
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some of us would love to volunteer but just can’t as we work full time and getting to OOSH drop off then work then OOSH pick up is a 12 hour round trip – when would you like us to turn up, after we have put our kids to bed at 7:30pm??
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There are plenty of jobs that can be done at home in your own time or on the weekends. When you join an organisation and want to help you just let them know that you work full time but if there is anything you can do at home etc. you’re willing.
Just remember….everyone’s busy.
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I am a volunteer committee member at my playgroup.
What really gets me mad is the members who don’t even acknowledge an email/message/request for help or ideas but then they are the first to complain if something isn’t right.
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As a volunteer helper at school for the last 9 years, there have definitely been times when I have felt resentful and frustrated, but I have persevered knowing that in supporting the class teachers I am helping them to be at their best.
While becoming part of the furniture in and around the classroom, the other children in the class have also come to know me well, some even seeking me out to have a chat at pick up time.
My sons have loved me being in their classrooms and are proud of the effort I make. They are now in years 4 & 7, and knowing that I am doing everything in my power to be a positive role model at home, at work and in the community, makes it all worthwhile.
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Maybe the people who have no time to volunteer at their kids school volunteer somewhere else? Most of my friends volunteer, but not at their kid’s school. Personally I would see much more value in continuing my volunteer work with a charity that collects food for shelters than in using that window of time to work in the school canteen (which used to be a paying job for people before schools realised they could get parents to volunteer).
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… or before their funding was cut, and they chose to put the money into the children’s education instead of the canteen.
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I think you might be a bit confused on the school canteen thing. School canteens thrived during the, 70s, 80s and 90s with parent volunteers. Everyone I went to school with loved having their mum on canteen! With more women in the workforce now, and greater choices for women, that volunteer workforce has shrunk dramatically. Schools are now often forced to outsource their canteen, or employ staff to keep the service going. This is an issue, particularly for smaller schools who don’t want to use their scarce resources paying canteen staff, but would rather it be used on education. Because of this the school my children attend has the canteen only open on Fridays, which works well. Volunteering in schools is vitally important for lots of reasons, but it really helps free up funds to help educate the next generation.
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I volunteer in the clothing pool and canteen. Both these make money for the school. Schools use these funds to further educate our kids. There are many worthy charities but education is as worthy, don’t you think?
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All volunteers in community groups do an amazing job.
“Volunteers don’t get paid, not because they’re worthless, but because they’re priceless.” ~Sherry Anderson
I like to do my bit for the school community but I have put my hand up several times and they said that they have 150 parents down as volunteers -WOW! I’m very happy so many would like to volunteer. Please just give me one shift in the canteen or I wont hear the end of it from my daughter.lol
I love quotes, heres another “Volunteers do not necessarily have the time; they just have the heart.” ~Elizabeth Andrew
” We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~Winston Churchill
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This is a very timely post for me as I am also stressed from volunteer fatigue. Whilst I agree (to a point) with Jecoro’s comment that you do need to know your boundaries and say No, I would say that sometimes its not until you are really deeply involved that you realise what your boundaries are, and by then, it requires a bit of effort to reduce the impact on your life.
I find volunteering rewarding, and will continue to do so throughout the life of my children’s education. However my goal going forward is to do it on my terms.
The only other thing I will say is that I think part of the problem with volunteering is that some people are willing to give anything a go, regardless of whether they have the skills or not. This is a great situation as the school gets the help and that person gets to develop new skills and make new contacts. However, some people are not as comfortable stepping out of their comfort zone (and thats fair enough too) to do things they would not normally do. Its the first example of people that are usually the ones that burn out.
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can totally relate, when we ask for volunteers at playgroup people say they can’t help because they have small children…. its a playgroup, we ALL have small children!!
Its always the same people who volunteer and unfortunately I think it will always be that way!
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Well said – Volunteer parents keep a big chunk of our school running, and I think it is often a fairly thankless task.
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I too volunteer a lot especially at my son’s school and daughter’s kinder. Not to mention being committed to raise funds for our Relay for Life team (cancer). I too at times feel unappreciated and overwhelmed so I know where you are coming from. People just assume that I have nothing else to do with my time and that I will always be available and will always say yes. I have to start to say no at times and I think this is also what you will need to do. Pick and choose what you will do and what you will enjoy, you don’t have to do everything. Well done on being such a pro active member of your community. You are making a difference.
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If you want something done, give it to a busy person.
Good on you, Anonymous.
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I think that volunteer fatigue is pretty common in many life situations – it always seems to be the same people who clean up at a family/friends bbq, who stay behind to put the chairs away after a meeting, who put their hands up for Church ministries etc. And other people just expect that they will continue to do it and not stop to think whether it is their turn. What really gets me is when someone makes a suggestion or wants something to be enacted, but don’t stop to think how they can be part of that process – they just want someone else to do it. I always try to help out in some way, sometimes it is as small as helping with a tidy up, sometimes it is organising a full-scale all day social for my church group that takes months to pull together. I am quite happy to help, and sometimes I will choose to sit on my bum instead because, frankly, I can’t be bothered and as far as I’m concerned it’s someone else’s turn.
I can understand why this author is resentful, though – sometimes you can end up feeling like you are giving and giving and you can get taken for granted, especially when you are trying to help other people (and in particular their children) – some people need to be more grateful and accommodating for the volunteers who help make their life easier, not just assume it is a service that they are entitled to.
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i can totally relate to this. we all have places we would rather be, or things we would rather do with our time but i believe that time you put in at your children’s school is invaluable.
i actually read a study that said that parental involvement at school had really positive impact on your child’s education and general well-being.
the thing that REALLY annoys me is the mums that bitch and moan about the mum who is doing all the work. ‘gosh she never leaves the place” or “doesn’t she have a life??”. well she would if other people picked up the slack!
i have realised there are two types of people:
1. those that want to help/volunteer and do if and when they can (this may be regularly or very rarely but they actually WANT to)
2. those that can help/volunteer but for some reason think it is below them. these are the people that tell you what they have on as if your life is empty..
one thing i would say to parents who NEVER help. please don’t complain about what IS done. if you want to make decisions you need to be an active participant.
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Thought of using a fake name for this one… but being brave
I volunteered at every single activity at my son’s school before I worked full time and I met some of the most beautiful and amazing people and then I met some of the worst. Seriously. There were people volunteering at the school that thought it was a competition…. Not nice at all. And the worst part is all the “good people” left including me
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my experience too
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Very easy for you to say. If everyone felt that way, who would be left to do it?
Perhaps you don’t realise what would happen if volunteers were removed. No canteen, no reading and literacy groups, no maths groups, no libraries, no school carnivals.
Half of kids school life would be very, very different.
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I think that anonymous totally gets it. That’s why she volunteers!
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Was this meant to be a reply to another comment? If not, I’m not sure you have understood what the author was actually trying to say…
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I think what Anonymous is saying that the workload has to be shared. The same person/people cannot be asked to do all the tasks all the time. People cannot be complacent and assume that those people will be able to do it because they volunteer all the time, and then blame them if things aren’t 100% perfect. Even if people volunteer once or twice, that makes a difference.
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Everyone who has children at school should at least volunteer when they can – a one off or ongoing. Everybody is busy, everybody works (paid) or unpaid, everybody has a messy house which needs cleaning. Volunteering only requires 1 hour of your time a week. If everybody volunteered one hour of their time a week (in a perfect world) no one would need to take on too much and everyones children can seen they are helping out (when they can). I know some Mums and Dads need to travel to the city or beyond, grandparents are also welcome and some grandparents at our school volunteer. The kids get so happy when they see a relative in the classroom. If you can’t come to the classroom, they always have cutting, pasting and collating of documents or collecting items for craft etc.
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Well done, Anonymous for all of the work that you do and the time that you dedicate to the school community. I can understand where you’re coming from. I actually think that some non-volunteers resent the volunteers because they feel guilty about not having the time or inclination to help out. It’s about them looking bad.
I hope that you’re not put off volunteering. Just pick and choose helping out in the areas that you like. You’ll enjoy it so much more and hopefully others will step in to pick up the slack. Keep up (some of) the good work. xx
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LOVE!!!
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I volunteered at a local community college for about 5 years. I had to stop because the paid staff were taking advantage of the volunteers. I felt that I was no longer effective in my role. It is hard to let go when you believe in what you are doing but it was a relief when I walked away.
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I too have enough things things to fill a day twice over – which is why I’ve limited my volunteering. Take responsibility for yourself and turn some things down.
Also, I like it when people tell me when they’re free to meet. Makes it easier and likely everyone will turn up!
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Unfortunately, you have to learn in this circumstance not to take anything to heart. Contribute in the ways you can and to the level you are happy to, but don’t feel you can judge those who don’t contribute or you will slowly go crazy. Been there, done that, and it’s much healthier to focus on what you are doing to enrich yours and your children’s lives, as there will NEVER be enough people volunteering to help. Take on what you can, feel good about it, and don’t be scared to say NO yourself.
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I burnt out from volunteering last year, so this year I am back to just doing a couple of hours reading once a week and if there’s anything else I can fit in with little drama.
I also work 4 days a week and spent the last half of last year with a smile painted on my face and a sore neck from grinding my teeth as I walked past other parents. I was slowly turning into a ball of resentment and that’s no way to live. I knew that by not doing what I was doing most of it wouldn’t be done, but that’s only turned out to be partly true. Bits of it are still done and the world hadsn’t stopped spinning because I can’t do it all any more. It was tricky for me as my kids school is very small & quite disadvantaged, but I still needed to take a giant step back. And ahhh the relief!
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I can relate to this. Simplifying and stepping back has restored some of my (dignity) sanity. I haven’t quite figured out how much time I should put back into volunteer work that would keep everyone happy.
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Dont complain, you put your hand up to volunteer. I have never heard of any parent complaining about a volunteer or getting angry with one. .Who are these horrid parents ?
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They are out there!
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I volunteered to be manager of my sons soccer team as out of the 32 parents I was the only one that put my hand up, amazes me how people can just sit there and do nothing, Yes I work full time, Yes I am busy and yes being an expat I expect I have less of a support network than most over here but I was the only one that agreed to do it.
The people that say, OH JUST SAY NO TO DOING IT.. .are the normally the ones that never do it themselves.
Without a manager my sons soccer team wouldn’t happen so at the end of the day I did it because I wanted my son to be able to play.
Same with school, always the same 10% of parents that do everything…..and deep down the ones that don’t do anything know that.
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Just say NO! You are volunteering yourself, no one is making you help out at school, The school community will not fall apart without you! Eventually someone else will pick up the slack! Sometimes others do not take on these roles because they think you are quite happy to do it.
My point is as parent who in on a guides committee, helps out fortnightly in the canteen, is on the school council and the fundraising committee – but I know my boundaries. You need to step back and stop doing all the work especially since you resent it so much.
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