I am one of those parents at school. You know the ones. Always in class helping with groups, on the canteen, sending e-mails to organise events, in the uniform shop, on the cake stall. The list is endless and so is my ability to seem to always be there as the smiling helper, never letting my children or anyone else down.
Well, I am almost broken. The smile is wearing thin. Maybe you need to know what I am really thinking.
Don’t get me wrong. I love to volunteer and that is why I do it. I enjoy being part of my community, of doing my part and teaching my children about service to others. I have met some fantastic, giving people. Many are very grateful for the roles I play, especially when times are hard for them. I am so glad to be able to support other parents at those times.
Sadly though, we too often use up those who are prepared to do their bit as we expect too much and stretch them to breaking point. As one of these parents, I have turned a terrible corner this year and now I am resentful. Resentful of the expectation that I will always help and resentful of my own goals going unmet as my volunteer burden has become too great.
There are a few points I would like to make to those who have pushed me to this point:
1. I do not volunteer because I have nothing better to do. I am a highly qualified professional who has more than enough to fill a day twice over. I feel like I want to put this on a t-shirt or at least a badge.
2. When I send out a request for help, please do not send me back a list of reasons why you cannot help.
3. Please do not send me details of your schedule like it is my job to work around it. Would you like a copy of my schedule back for you to work around?
4. I just want to do my bit. I do not want to do your bit as well.
5. I know you are busy. See point 1.
6. I should not have to chase you for a response. Sure, I will smile and say it is fine, but I am not thinking that it is fine. I am thinking that it is rude not to get back to someone who is volunteering to help your child.
7. I have children too and whatever problems you are having, I am probably having them as well, plus having to try to fix yours.
8. Do not get angry with me. I am not being paid. I am doing my best.
So please remember to appreciate your volunteers, do what you can to help them to make their jobs as easy as possible and don’t forget that a thank you would go a long way.
This post was written by someone who is known to Mamamia but who wishes to remain anonymous.
Do you volunteer? Have you recently “retired” from volunteering?
Comments
194 Comments so far
I agree with Lyndall. Just say no and you will feel better for it. I choose not to volunteer at my local school, so I can relax at home with my husband and young child and work part time. The Ed Dept needs to pay for staff as it is too reliant on the goodwill of women. If men were relied upon to volunteer – it would become highly paid employment. Volunteers need to value their time and get paid for it.
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You have nailed it here.
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Leandra we were only just talking abou tthis! In between following up emails and chasing people I received this link from a fellow P&Cer…..
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Making sandwiches and helping in classrooms is not the sole domain of mums…..get off the couch Dad.
If you can’t help on a weekly basis volunteer for big events such as fetes and sports days.
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Thank you! I am a primary school teacher and it is the volunteers who make all the difference to my job.
People say our hours are from 9am to 3pm, but nothing could be further from the truth. There are not enough hours in the day, nor not enough teachers in a class to get everything done that we would like to! We rely on parents and grandparents to not only enrich the education of their own child, but to also help out in so many ways. And the smiles of the children when Mummy or Daddy arrives for reading is definitely proof of this!
Our P & C parents provide not only time, care and ideas, but the much needed funds to make our learning environment rich and engaging. They have provided some of the ‘essentials’ of my classroom – including the interactive whiteboard.
So, thank you. Even if the other parents may not notice, the teachers certainly do. I take my hat off to you – and it is your child who benefits the most from your generosity.
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Oh dear… My little man starts school next year, and reading all these comments, I’m starting to get scared! I hope to be able to volunteer in any way I can, but time will tell how much will be possible next year…
But I’ll offer a big thank you to any and all volunteers, it’s a great thing you’re doing, no matter how big or small. And I’ll bet a lot of people who don’t/can’t volunteer do what they can too, not matter how big or small, or how visible to the rest of the community.
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Sigh…
Another thing to feel guilty about!
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As a primary school teacher I say THANK YOU to all those mums and dads who volunteer to help one way or another. We know who you are and we think you are wonderful
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This may sound stupid but…
Can someone volunteer at a school if they don’t have a child attending?
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Yes they can. Schools are screaming out for mature aged people who will come in for a couple of hours a week and give one on one help to students who are struggling. They would welcome you with open arms.
You do need to have a working with children card.
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It may vary in different states but in Qld anyone can volunteer if they have a blue card and of course if the school deems them suitable.
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yes definitely! So long as you agree to a Working with children check. Go and speak to the office staff as a start!
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The answer is Yes you just need to either have a Blue Card or apply for a volunteers blue card.
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Here here. I know this only too well! I take pride in the adage: if you want something done, get a busy person to do it.
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The way I see it, contributing just one hour of my time once a month in the tuck shop keeps it running when I can’t be bothered making lunch. Helping kids with reading in the class room for 1 hour once a month helps kids who are struggling get ahead which in turn helps my kids because then the teacher can then progress further with lessons and they aren’t bored because the teacher has to help kids who are struggling. Parents at my kids school are really cliquey. I choose to ignore it, I have better things to do than worry about what someone is saying behind my back, really it usually says more about them than me, and I think that if that is what holding people back from volunteering then htfu. Its not about YOU its about the kids.
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I totally agree with the author of this article and it been my experience aswell. To people who say volunteer groups are a click, maybe they can seem like that as they spend so much time together and bond through their projects. Maybe they just don’t have much time for you and your excuses as to why you can’t help. Maybe it’s your high school insecurities that are stopping you from behaving like an adult and going over and helping. Start your own project, go and ask the principle or your teachers what you can do to help bypass the areas you don’t think are for you, find your own spot.
But most importantly the message you send to your child by making time to be a functional member of a school community is one of the most educational important to your child. You are telling your child that school is very important and highly valued so much so that you are going to help out too. Kids love seeing their parents at school they love that you understand their world.
Parents make schools a better place and add the extras schools can’t fund or staff. If us die hard volunteers do just say no it would have serious ramifications for all of our children.
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I’ve noticed in some of the comments below this argument has come back to the SAHM v’s working mums…..AGAIN!!
Let’s just agree that everyone is busy whether you get paid for your work or not.
The people who volunteer are always going to volunteer whether they are in paid work or are a SAHM. It’s always the same people.
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At my kids’ (primary) school the fabulous mums who organise most of the fundraising are also the cliquey mums who behave socially as if they never left high school. They only give more ordinary folk the time of day when they need more helpers for the less glamorous jobs at their fabulous fundraising events, and then they wonder why everyone doesn’t jump at the chance to join in. I thought I’d be very involved with this type of volunteering, but I’ve been so shocked by the behaviour of parents at my school, that I avoid school events like the plague now. And I’ve heard so many other parents say that they drop their kids at the gate and run, for the same reason.
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Yes, yes, yes, I can so relate! Thankyou Anon for articulating your response so beautifully.
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I put in a few hard yards in the early years of primary school.
Chucked it in because I couldnt put up with some of the other mothers.
Complaints about everything from the polyester percentage in the uniforms to the lack of gluten free options at the cake stall… Yawn.
Hate to say it, but generally those who were the most difficult to deal with were the stay at homes. Focused solely on comparing their own kids (favorably) to the rest of the class.
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My children are not in school yet so perhaps I’m yet to witness and/or experience it – but can someone please explain how and why does volunteering become competitive/bitchy at schools? It astounds me that it can! I mean, if you offer to do, say, canteen duty or reading, don’t you simply rock up, say hi to the other volunteer parents and children, do your shift and leave? Why should it become competitive? Sorry if I sound naive but it concerns me that many contributors have likened volunteering at schools to high school cattiness, thus deterring them from being involved in the school
Community.
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My daughter started a new school this year and I thought it would be good to put my name down for the canteen roster. A woman I know whose daughter already goes there told me very firmly not to go anywhere near the canteen. The women are all friends and make sure they get rostered on together and they wont talk to anyone who isnt in their clique. Her first 2 canteen days ended in tears because nobody would tell her what to do, they all took a coffee break at the cafe down the street without inviting her and then rolled their eyes at her when she got something wrong. She said it was worse than anything she ever saw in high school.
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The women are all friends and make sure they get rostered on together and they wont talk to anyone who isnt in their clique.
If that clique of women who are friends, make sure they get rostered on together. All you need to do is ask the person who makes up the roster to put you in a group outside of that particular clique of women.
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I work part time and have a 6yo daughter at school and a 3yo daughter. I do reading in my daughters class one day a week when the little one is at preschool, but she is at home with me on my other non-work day so it limits my availability. I appreciate and respect the work the volunteer mums do, but if it is too much you can say “no”. Are you exhausting yourself needing to be needed? I don’t mean to offend you but I had to add my thoughts!!!
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I totally, totally understand.
I love giving my time to a worthy cause, I love the feeling that helping gives me, I also love organising events. I have a career but it doesn’t cater to all of the things I love to do. It satisfies most – but not everything.
I do say no – but I also say yes when there seems to be alot of people who just blanket NEVER say yes. It is these people who irritate me to some extent. I know it shouldn’t but it does.
Many hands make light work
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10% of the people do 90% of the work! I have done 2 fundraisers – the first one I worked approximately 50-60 hours a week. To this day my husband has no idea how much time I actually put I to the project.
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I totally get it. The heaviest workload falls on a few good people. I see it at my daughters school. So even though I work full time I have scheduled a day off per week to do reading and canteen sometimes.
Everyone can do their bit at some stage. And if everyone did a little bit it wouldn’t be a burden to any one person
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There is definitely an assumption that people who volunteer have plenty of time on their hands and that those who don’t would do it if they had the time.
Sorry, but in my personal experience, people don’t want to volunteer and then they backwards rationalise it by declaring it’s because they ‘don’t have time’, and then think that because that’s the only reason they’re not volunteering they don’t have to appreciate those who do!
I do not have children. However, at one time I was working 30 hours a week, full-time at university, 10 hours a week at an unpaid internship, about an hour a week at a children’s charity, 2 hours a week at a refugee charity, writing 2 articles a week for an online magazine and looking after my house, partner and trying to keep some kind of relationship with my friends and family.
And amazingly, I could do it. Yeah, I didn’t have as much time to sleep in or watch TV (read: none, basically) but I managed. How much time is the average person spending watching TV, on facebook, or some other menial activity? A LOT. It is not that hard to give back to your community. One hour a week can mean a lot to an organisation struggling for volunteers. WHO does not have time for one hour a week?
So instead, the same people end up doing 10 peoples work, while they have a schedule that is just as busy as all the other people who aren’t doing anything.
And seriously, those people deserve a medal, as well as our endless gratitude.
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I think you’ve nailed it. There are givers and then there are takers. Some people think their family is entitled to the benefits of the hard work of others and because they are so especially busy and important they are exempt from putting their hand up. The most difficult ones are the parents who are too busy and important to help but complain at the first sign of their child not getting VIP treatment. I always find it funny when they are too busy to come and score their childs netball game when they’re rostered on to do so, yet always have time for Friday night drinks and class dinners.
And then there are others who feel the obligation and just get on with it. Any wonder they can feel burnt out by it.
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I squeeze in a lot of volunteer work with my football club and visiting an old lady in a home simply by giving up watching tv. It can be annoying when people don’t chip for simple tasks or complain. I need to constantly reevaluate my volunteer roles, need to make sure are consistent with my life goals. This way I back off a bit before the resentment sets in. I’m very interested in volunteering as a path to a better society and happiness… So I’m trying to get people to chip in where they can with more flexible roles, things that relate to their career… Doesn’t always work !!
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Reading the comments below makes me think three things:
1. The writer needs to be brave and say no now and then for her own sake. It’s not psychologically smart to drive yourself into the ground to prove a point to others who you feel aren’t pulling their weight.
2. Everyone needs to remember that the only payment volunteers receive is gratitude from others for their hard work – so say thanks, and don’t belittle people’s efforts, especially if you’re unable to volunteer yourself.
3. How sad it is in this wealthy country of ours that schools have to rely so heavily on volunteers to raise funds for often basic things for their kids’ education. Shame on our governments – State and Federal – for not funding schools more adequately.
Rant over.
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As a mum that works 5 days a week leaving the house before 7am and arriving back after 6 daily I can say I dont have time to volunteer (I would love to but circumstances around my family means I cant). It is frustrating when those then can volunteer adds extra guilt to someone about their circumstances. My workplace does not allow me to duck off to volunteer for whatever at school.
It is funny i got a note from my childs school today asking for volunteers MOnday to Thursday for reading and Monday to Wednesday for structured play. Without upsetting anyone why is there a need for parents to volunteer so much. I hate the fact as well that some of the mums talk outside school how bad your little johnny is. What did teachers do years ago when there was no pupil free days and had to teach bigger classes without relief planning breaks. Teachers know what what they are getting into when they sign off. I am sick of people that get a lot of annual leave each year complain. I too when I have my normal 4 weeks per year take calls/emails so why should teachers be any different.
Another question that I think needs to be addressed how does a child learn independence if their parent is always at the school. There is a parent at my school that fights her childs battles, is this really necessary.
I think there needs to be less pressure on parents to volunteer and more emphasis on the paid staff of the schools to be utilised more.
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So you would be one of the parents who expects fantastic facilities at the school but doesn’t put in money or time to help fund it? Where do you think the money comes from to get smartboards and reading recovery and new books and dice for maths and MAB wooden blocks to help with counting and big books for reading and balloons for the science experiments on air and and and?
The money comes from school fundraising, and if the parents don’t put in the time to fundraise, then your children miss out on all those wonderful extras that make a good school into a great school.
I understand that you can’t help out during the week, but it looks as if the note was not targeting you as someone who works full time, but perhaps someone who works from home or at home? There are many, many volunteers at my children’s school who help with fruit on fridays and reading recovery and all those programs that are not funded by the government that YOUR child/ren benefits from. Perhaps you should be a bit more grateful to those people who help out at your school rather than running them down for giving you a guilt trip?
And regarding teachers, don’t get me started, teachers deserve every cent they get and more, show me a teacher that works 9-3.30pm only, I’ve never seen one? Perhaps save your vitriol against teachers for another forum, teachers do an amazing job.
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dw, I think I want to marry you.
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Wowsers, if you only realised how many unpaid hours teachers already do. To utilise them more would be just about criminal. They are amazing.
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‘Teachers know what what they are getting into when they sign off.’
Did you know approximately 30% of Australian teachers quit within their first five years of teaching? They have no idea what they’re in for!
Poor conditions and high stress are massive factors in the drop out rate. The ‘short’ working days are an illusion as most teachers work for hours at home each evening – and for much of the holidays too.
Thanks to all the parent volunteers who help out especially with reading – 1 teacher and 28+ kids is not a good ratio. Many kids don’t have an adult willing to listen to them at home, so this can be their only opportunity to practice their reading.
We can all only do what we can, so don’t feel guilty. But by the same token, don’t blame the teachers – they’re doing the best they can too
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“Teachers know what they are getting into when they sign off.” I”m calling bullshit on this one. People say the same thing about nursing. The answer is “No, we don’t. We don’t know until we’re into it and then we don’t leave because we’re committed.”
Does anyone know what they’re getting into at first? And doesn’t it show the mettle of these people that they don’t just chuck it in for a cushy number somewhere that makes not a jot of difference to society?
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Please do not go down the track of teachers having so many holidays. It’s an insult. NO teacher becomes a teacher just to have longer holidays. The reason why teachers now need so many volunteers in the classroom, as opposed to 20 or 30 years ago when you were in primary school is because the curriculum has changed dramatically for starters. “Chalk and Talk” was the biggest method of delivery. No groups needed for that therefore no volunteers needed. Round the Class Reading was also the method of delivery for teaching reading. Again, no volunteers needed. The majority of Maths was taught by rote learning facts and formulas. No investigations or hands on materials used (you may have got cuisenaire rods if you were lucky, but at your desk and everyone using them together) so therefore, no volunteers needed. Are you happy for your child to be taught in this manner in 2012? You won’t be asked to volunteer, I can guarantee you that!
Another reason why teachers put out the call for volunteers is because the majority of the parents EXPECT it … just like homework that most parents complain about … it’s EXPECTED by parents. I was only having a similar conversation last night with other parents about the teachers in our year level who do do group work and have parents in the room and those few teachers who don’t do group work and have parents in the room. The teachers who DON’T have parents in the classroom were seen as being secretive and BAD teachers. What? How many professions do you know of that invites into their work domain (generally has no choice but to extend the invitation) people who hold no similar professional qualification to their field of work only to find themselves open to professional critique, questioning, challenges of practice, etc? You don’t see a doctor, accountant, lawyer, etc having to do this. Teachers have to expect it every day of their professional life.
I also don’t think the writer of the article is trying to make you feel guilty. What they are trying to make you understand is that they’d probably like a little general courtesy. How hard is it for someone to answer a simple YES or NO to a request for help? Very hard so it seems. I’ve volunteered this year to be parent rep for one of my children’s classes and I’ve recently organised an event which needed an RSVP. Only 5% had the courtesy to respond. I really couldn’t care less about the reason if they couldn’t attend. I just needed to know if they could attend so I could organise things.
If you can, maybe you should spend a day at your child’s school and see what really does go on in a classroom, not just your child’s, but across the school. You could also drop into the canteen or swim club or library where lots of parents and grandparents volunteer their time. P & C meetings are generally at night. You could learn a lot about your child’s school by attending some of these. Perhaps then you might see how volunteers make your child’s experience at school so much more fulfilling and rewarding. Volunteers are not trying to make you feel guilty. That just want a bit of understanding and courtesy.
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Spend a whole day in a classroom and it will be easy to see how much teachers are stretched by assessing, reporting, programming and paperwork. All while consistently trying to improve their own professional practice and create new ways to engage their learners.
I don’t know any fellow teachers who only work between the hours of even 8am and 4pm. Most staff at my school arrive between 7am and 7:30am and few leave before 5pm. Similarly, drop by your child’s school next holidays. If it’s anything like mine, it would be rare to find it empty (The only time I haven’t spent time at school during my holidays was when I got married and honeymooned during the holidays).
Teachers understand that they are taking on a tertiary qualified role, that attracts a wage that is less than many roles that do not require a degree, or even further qualifications. It is the people who don’t realise that teachers put in so many extra hours, that continue to undervalue this profession and perpetuate the need to fight for government funding.
They rely on helpers in the classroom not to do their job for them, but to enrich the children’s learning environment. If you do get a chance in the future to spend time in your child’s classroom, you will see how excited they are to see you (At the same time, and I can only comment on my own experiences, I always make a point of making sure that children whose Mum or Dad can’t make it, doesn’t feel like they’re missing out).
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Many teachers are paid 30hours for the week and that the hours are spread over the year…. they do not get 10 weeks of leave and 38- 40hour weeks….. add on top that lunch/ bus duties of around 50mins a week…. so therefore don’t get lunch/ tea breaks. I am a teacher, mother of 3 and position holder on the P&C. If you don’t have time, that’s ok, however be thankful for the Charismatic adults that do!
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I do not have any children of my own but I was a child once and was blessed to have two parents who volunteered their time. We were restricted to two activities per year – we were able to choose what they were but the rules were two each. My brother, sister and I all did Little Athletics on Saturday mornings. Mum and dad would bring down all the equipment in the big blue trailer and set up, dad was also the starter and mum was the lady that handled all the registrations throughout the season and recording of peoples results.
My sister and I played netbal as our second option; mum coached, umpired and was president of the association for 10+ years. My brother rode BMX; mum ran the canteen each Friday night and dad was the race official. They were both on the committee.
We lived in a country town, dad worked full time and once we had all started school mum also worked. As I have grown older I have began to fully appreciate the sacrifices my parents made with their time for the benefit of our own enjoyment. So here is a shout out to my mum and dad for giving up their time and ensuring the things that we loved to do could run because they were prepared to step in and help out where they could. They were by our side throughout our childhood and for this my siblings and I are forever grateful.
It also taught us the importance of sticking our hand up and helping out. As mentioned I have no children of my own but have coached and umpired plenty of others people children… Volunteering is very rewarding : )
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I think the article is written in a somewhat aggressive tone. If someone spoke to me like that I would be horrified. It seems some of the commenters below have felt a little offended or defensive in response to what is written, and may have responded also in an aggressive (or just defensive) tone – only to be reprimanded. If the writer could have expressed her (valid) frustrations in a more even-handed manner, then replies may have been less emotionally loaded. This is obviously something a lot of people feel strongly about and struggle to find a balance.
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I also agree that it’s hard to judge people’s commitment when you don’t know their circumstances.
When my children started school I was so disappointed I couldn’t help out with reading but we were running a business 7 days a week and it wasn’t possible. Then I realised I could be on the Governing Council because it met in the evenings. Fantastic! I loved it and felt like I was making a valuable contribution.
However, when our business went under we had to declare bankruptcy and tht was that – you can’t be on the Governing Council if you’re bankrupt. I had to resign. Since then I’ve helped out at one sausage sizzle but it was awful – I felt as though the principal was judging me. If I was such a terrible person that I couldn’t serve on the GC, then could I be trusted to do anything else??
I’ve just been asked to umpire Saturday sport. Hoping it will be okay
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I’m going to go a bit out on a limb here because I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Red Rocket is hopefully going to the same local Catholic school as her cousins. The requirements on my sister frighten, and irritate, the shit out of me.
Here’s the deal. I don’t want to do it. IF I can find spare time over and above us both working full time, an enormous (extended) family that sucks time away, and grappling with enough time for my kids, one of the last things I want to do is listening to the reading of other people’s kids or serve them food in the canteen. Very un PC to say I know.
If I did find time I could truly commit to, I’d go back to teaching english to migrant and refugee women. I was good at it and I enjoyed it. I’m not that great with other people’s kids – in an era when so many are offended by telling other peoples kids off I’m no longer sure what to do when kids are being rude etc on excursions. Its not what my mother did on excursions! So I think my skills are better off in another environment, if I had the time and will to go back to volunteering.
I want an opt out clause but I know I’m never going to get it. The interview was laden with “what skills do you as parents bring to the school”. None. The skill of battling to get by and keep the show on the road. I don’t want to be an expert on childhood edcuation and I don’t want to go on mums girls weekends away. I can barely keep up with what is already on my plate, adding what appears to be expected would kill me – and not be anything I would want to do.
If it all needs to be done, can I opt to cash out that time and spend it with my family instead? Can I do it at the beginning of the year and then not spend time in an argy bargy.
yes. I’m owning up to being those lazy people those of you below speak of. I just want to find a way to say so out loud from the outset.
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I think a lot of people opt out. I also think that is okay. Just be gentle to the exhausted people who opt in
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You’re entitled to feel the way you do and you do sound very busy. But if everyone had the attitude of not wanting to help other peoples kids no school would have any helpers and everyones children would miss out.
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Why do schools rely so much on volunteers? That concerns me most…
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Everyone has*something* they can bring to the school community. Cash donations, in-kind donations (eg in our school we have many parents who run their own businesses & are super-busy but donate sausages for our sausage sizzles or items for raffles). Help at a busy bee on the weekend, help with a mail-out when a fundraiser is coming up, laminate or print posters at home/work. And yes, appreciate the people who do volunteer, often we are also very busy as well but possibly more flexible – I know my workplace can be flexible with hrs, if I do extra hrs for an evening function I can take some daytime hrs off which enables me to attend a sports carnival or similar.
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As a teacher and a parent at a primary school, volunteers are greatly appreciated – as long as they are there to help the kids. There are parents at our small school who would ‘love to help’, but this usually involves them comparing all of the kids in the class with their own angel. We are lucky enough to have some great parents, always there and as helpful as you can get. I even have a mum who doesn’t have a child in my class, she just wants to help. One thing I’ve noticed about genuine volunteers though – they are always the busiest people, as it seems there aren’t many others out there willing to help. My husband and I both volunteer for school things – school discos down to tuckshop. If you can’t volunteer your time there are lots of other things you can do to help out the school community….
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As a volunteering mum it makes me very angry when parents who CHOOSE not to get involved (getting involved can be as small as donating a packet of cellphone) are annoyed with the efforts of people who do get involved. Unless you take the time to find out about the day to day running of the school and finances then you have no idea how NEEDED fundraising is.
Canteens and uniform shops put their profit back into the P&C. How much do you think playground equipment costs?? $25000 UP!!! How much do you think teachers put of their own money into teaching their classes because the budget doesn’t cover everything?? How about we stop annoying you with fundraising and canteen and helping out with your kids education and you see how long it takes for you to go off about the lack of facilities and opportunities.
There are little jobs and these mean a lot to the kids to know parents are interested in whats going on. You don’t need to go to P&C meetings to help cover books at the library.
I know this is going to get me into trouble but if a man with no legs can crawl the kakoda trail then whats holding you back.
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I agree – especially about the cellophane!
As a teacher myself, I am actually trying to stop spending so much money on my classroom and students. I have a mortgage and my husband and I will soon want to begin our family. But it’s hard when you want everything to be nice for the kids.
At the moment I supply glue sticks, whiteboard markers and many many other things. All the stickers and stamps, jellybeans, fish tanks (and replacement goldfish!), not to mention countless picture books, and everything that makes my classroom a fun place to be. Stuffed toys, train sets, dress ups. I even buy my own laminating pouches.
There isn’t money in the school budget for these extras, so even if you can’t volunteer your time, send in some craft equipment. It will definitely be appreciated.
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Wow, there’s some serious snark going on here. I didn’t think the author was acting like a martyr, she sounds to me like someone at the end of her tether. Lots of us know what it’s like when you feel as though you’re doing more than your fair share of the workload whilst others aren’t pulling their weight. It’s a bit more complicated than that here with the workload being voluntary – important to some, not important to others and not something they can fit on their plate for some.
I feel for those who start out with the best of intentions then get worn down by it all. Volunteering means you give your own time of your own free will. It shouldn’t be an expectation. And yet having said that some activities need parents to step in and do something, so there’s a bit of a guilt trip happening. What do we say about it taking a village to raise a child?
I think some of the comments from the Anons on here make me wonder if they feel guilty and are lashing out.
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From the comments, it appears you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t…
I work full time and really unable to contribute much to volunteer activities at school. I always donate as much as I can, always thank the parents who do contribute, am truly grateful for the work they do, but I am always left feeling guilty/not a good enough mother/criticised etc. Whoever said it feels like high school is so right…
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Having experienced life in a school community of volunteer ‘martyrs’ I have some fairly strong views also…
Personally I feel many volunteer activities are thought up by mums looking to feel busy and validated or score brownie points within the school community.
I question the value of certain activities – do we really need another round of book fair volunteers, when there is an exceptional library across the road? Must we really bake cupcakes for yet another class party – it’s not like our kids don’t eat enough junk already.
Please don’t put your hand up to volunteer if you will be secretly resentful
We all have different skillsets, commit your time only to activities that play to your strengths or activities that you either value or quite enjoy.
As for sport, it’s maddening when the same few parents are expected to contribute week after week. Which dad actually wants to stand in blazing sun for HOURS umpiring a junior cricket match? – and yet the same dads get bailed up week after week because everyone else claims not to know how the game is played.
Parents are now so time-poor, with sport it should definitely be a case of contribute equally or pay-up. Each parent should be allocated a certain number of games over the season – then depending on whether you’re cash-poor or time-poor you could contribute accordingly.That might mean volunteering yourself or employing the services of a junior player or calling a mate for assistance. Quite simply, if we’re not volunteering on the sportfield, then we should either be paying for someone else to do it or waiving the fees of the volunteers.
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No wonder you wish to remain anonymous!!
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Hey V, Anonymous made some interesting points. You are also welcome to contribute to the conversation.
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I agree some of the volunteer activities are pointless busy work.
But I don’t think the solution is cash vs. time contribution. I think at a lot of schools the solution is to pay people to do certain things – canteen, sports umpiring etc, but to ask for cash or time leaves lower income working parents in a bind. Many people have no time AND no money. How are they ever supposed to contribute?
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Yes I agree with some of your points there. A lady on our p &c has alienated some parents as she is domineering and embarks on various unnecessary fundraisers…..
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My kids did Little Aths for the first time this summer just gone, and I was pleased to see that they have a policy of keeping track of which kids’ parents help out (you don’t need any knowledge or training except for a few things, it’s mostly measuring or handing out places or recording). The families who didn’t help out at enough meets, those kids weren’t eligible for centre champs, zones and states.
We still came up short some weeks (& it would annoy me that I would end up doing it so they could get started, whilst trying to juggle my 6yo & 3yo underfoot as well as the child doing athletics, whilst parents with no younger kids sat under the shelters with their Thermoses but eh) but I thought this was a fairly good policy.
Except there is a family with 7 kids 9 & under (3 of whom are under competing age incl 2yr old boy twins), the wife I think wasn’t well as I rarely saw her there, so usually Dad & all these kids – and they didn’t let his kids compete at the championships even though a couple of others from the club offered to do his turns. Flexibility & empathy is always good.
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I can understand wanting to encourage more help, but in this scenario, it just seems as though it punishes the kids. Shouldn’t it be the best competitor who gets to travel to compete?
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Okay, all those people who say don’t volunteer and don’t be a martyr, I’m a drop at the gate mum etc. guess what, all those resources that you have at your school have come from the hard work of the volunteer.
canteen duty is no fun. I dislike it. A LOT. I however, do like for my kids to order their lunch every so often so i am grateful that we have volunteers to help out on the occasion that i can not make yet another vegemite sandwich.
I like for my kids to have subsidised excisions so the sausage sizzle that i have to help out for ONE hour over the weekend is worth it so that everyone can go on the excursions without the expense that it would otherwise incur.
Bullying programs are funded by yes, you guessed it, Volunteers who donate their time to run yet another fundraiser.
Quiz nights, wine drives, spring bulbs all run by volunteers who want to ensure that the kids have new sports equipment, matheletics and reading eggs.
I am stunned that anyone could complain about people constantly guilt tripping them into helping out at their kids school.
I am a frustrated and exhausted volunteer, but it won’t stop me from doing my bit.
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Ln I get frustrated seeing the way ‘volunteer’ money is wasted/squandered on ill-considered purchases – like the thousands spent on substandard laptops that the kids consider to be a ‘waste of money’ because they’re the wrong kind.
Also the section of playground that was ripped up and re-decked, then ripped up and re-designed a year later and now demolished to create a larger carpark for the parish.
Fundraising money enabled the purchase of new carpets and furniture for some classrooms only for the school to decide to renovate ‘properly’ which entailed demolishing the classrooms – and so the old/new furnishings were gotten rid of and replaced with more expensive high-end furniture to match the newly ‘renovated’ classrooms. Funny thing is, most of the kids preferred the cosy and comfortable original classrooms.
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I can so relate to the above. I’ve been the SAHM, working part time mum and working full time mum and am a serial volunteerer. After suffering volunteering stress I took a break for a few months. I stuggled, but forced myself not to volunteer for anything for a couple of terms. Over this time I realised that
a. I enjoy volunteering and do gain as much personally as the school and my children do.
b. School life will continue if I say no.
c. I need to volunteer for the things I enjoy and accept that I cannot do everything.
d. Not every parent is able to help all the time. They may have other priorities, have family issues they need to work through, and I can’t judge them on that.
e. Being a community if fluid. There will be times I lend a hand and times others lend me a hand.
The result is that I am now saying no and yes and am enjoying volunteering without resenting those who, in the past, I’d perceived didn’t do their share.
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My school is constantly guilt tripping and pleading for canteen volunteers. I’m hassled and tired and working in the canteen is the last thing I want to do. Same with all the other parents I know. Maybe the issue here is that most people these days are just too damn stretched to volunteer. They certainly aren’t going to respond to guilt-trips. It just lead to MORE resentfulness all round, believe me.
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I agree. If you’re overwhelmed by your volunteering load, take responsibility and step away. Instead of being a martyr and a victim, put your own health and happiness first – that’s far more valuable for your family. Personally I do as little volunteering as I can, because I work full time and like most mothers am stretched to my limit already. Frankly, there are far too many school activities going on that require the active participation of parents (mostly mothers, let’s be honest here). Instead of pressuring mothers to do more, and giving them guilt trips – we need to do LESS. Simplify life, do fewer activities, cut out those endless, tedious, rather pointless fundraising drives that require mothers to make costumes etc. So much of this volunteer work is just people creating more work for themselves. Try opting out and giving that time to caring for yourself and your kids instead – you’ll be surprised, the sky will not fall in without you!
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Well said, sydney gal. I’m all for simplifying life. This constant pressure to rush around doing stuff is getting out of hand.
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Kids sporting teams are not negotiable as far as I’m concerned. All hands on deck required because everyones child benefits from it or its not going to work. When the manager asks for help they dont do it for the fun of it. Everyone wants their child to play but that wouldnt happen if everyone left it up to someone else to volunteer.
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As it was mentioned before, volunteering is a thankless task. Either do it or don’t. I really do not want to hear about it. There are much bigger issues in life.
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Why should volunteering be a thankless task? Isn’t it just a courteous, nice thing to do to thank someone if they volunteer to do something for you or your children? And if you don’t want to hear about how volunteers feel when they get burnt out, what does that say about about you? Or you could just not have bothered reading the column and then taking the time to comment on it if you really don’t want to hear about it.
And of course there are bigger issues in life. But that doesn’t mean that every article in Mamamia has to be about world poverty, North Korea’s nuclear build-up or the increasing rate of species extinction. I personally was very interested to read this column. Your attitude does strike me as unecessarily dismissive.
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I’ve been volunteering at my kids schools for 17 years putting in many hours. I get a lot out of it personally & don’t expect to be thanked & praised all the time. I think you’re doing it for the wrong reasons if you do. Just don’t do it any more if it’s too much. Its no big deal.
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And this is why I do not volunteer….
I finished school a long time ago and left the nastiness, competitiveness and bitchy cliques behind me or so I thought….
In every group I have volunteered time for in recent years there is a group who just did not leave high school EVER…. I do not want to be invovled in this at all ever again.
I do not volunteer in the ‘look at my name in bright lights on the newsletter’ type of way but I do contribute in other ways.
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And I’m about to stop volunteering for exactly the same reason.
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totally agree about feeling like you’re back in highschool. i’m a drop and run kind of mum and want as little as possible to do with my kid’s school. too many bad memories.
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You are right about the volunteer burn out..I did much of the things you described up above. Canteen, fundraisers, cake stalls, the annual fair, committee meetings etc. A school of 950 students, you send out notes to each family and might get 40 responses if lucky..it can get so disheartening.
I don’t know what the answer is. Our school has tried everything to encourage other parents and carers to join in and help.
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I volunteer at my kids school, because they want me to be there! They want me in the tuck shop, they want me to do their reading classes, they want me to go in and help at art time. And whilst they are only 7, i am going to enjoy it whilst it lasts. I can’t do everything, i work 4 days per week, but i do tuck shop 1 day a month, and reading for 3 hours in their reading room every week.
I rounded up other mums to make their end of year costumes as the teachers were going to tell each parent to make their own, can you just imagine how 30 different parents would interpret the instructions and what it would have looked like!
I see mums who i know dont work, drop there kids off and wont stay to help with reading, that is up to them maybe there kids dont want them there.
I only say yes to my children, to anyone else, it depends if i can fit it in. I get to know each of the kids in their class very well by the end of the year and think this will be a good bond with them as they all grow up and remain friends later in life possibly.
I also get to see how my children ‘rate’ compared to others in the class so can take comfort in how I am assisting at home etc.
I think that it is each and everyone own decision, if you feel you are doing too much, pull back. It is your choice, in the end someone else does fall in to fill the gap….you’d be surprised.
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I love this article, especially number 8. I coach for a club which relies heavily on volunteers to run, and while I appreciate everyone has different things going on in their lives and can’t always volunteer, those people can’t expect others to pick up the slack for them. Some parents can be very keen to suggest ideas for volunteer fundraising projects, but then get very upset when we can’t find anyone to implement them.
In short, if you can’t volunteer a) you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to, you’d be suprised how many people understand when you’re going through a tough time, b) NEVER be rude to volunteers and c) don’t expect that because you can’t volunteers, everyone else will.
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If you want to volunteer – do. If you don’t or can’t – don’t. Simple.
Just because you do – doesn’t mean everyone should too.
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I didn’t read anything in the article suggesting that everyone should volunteer. I think the point was just that people should show a little bit a appreciation for those who do. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
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I’ve realised something about myself this year – I am not a joiner. I am not a good volunteer. Always happy to buy a raffle ticket or go to a charity event, but I’m not going to be on a committee – it’s just not me.
I feel better knowing that about myself – and I’ve made peace with it.
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How would you feel if the excursions, canteen and other activities were cancelled due to lack of volunteers?
How about if you had to drive to the other side of town to buy the school uniform?
Image if there were no charities. If the homeless couldn’t get a free meal occasionally or a bed to sleep in. If the kids helpline wasn’t there for kids that need help…..the list goes on.
I’m grateful that not everyone feels the same way as you.
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I’m a SAHM with one child at school and one at kinder. When my first child was in prep I did class room help every week and spasmodically last year in grade 1, however it doesn’t come naturally to me, so I’ve since stepped aside and my husband does fortnightly classroom help. I suffer severe social anxiety which has become more extreme since having to interact with other parents. I would say that most in my school community don’t know my circumstances and I don’t feel I have to justify my circumstances to anyone, however I’ve been told “jokingly” that I’m considered lazy for not doing more to help at school as I don’t work and have plenty of time! If I felt comfortable and supported by the “school community”, I might just give it another go, but I don’t.
My point is, I appreciate all the efforts parents/grandparents contribute to the classroom etc, but even though it may look as though some can contribute more, we should just accept that for some, for whatever reason, it’s just not possible.
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Thanks for everything that you and other volunteers do to make our community a better place.
This should be a positive experience that enriches your life. When it gets too much and frustration and resentment set in its time to take a break and let others step in.
I am inspired to read so many comments from people who volunteer. We really are lucky to live in such a supportive community.
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What a beautiful, positive comment. Thank you too!
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I was heavily involved in the Primary school that my kids attended. I was the secretary of both the P &C and of the school development committee and I worked in the tuck shop. Apart from that I was one of a core group of five mothers who did all the classroom and excursion help as our kids went up through the year levels.
I enjoyed those years and my time as part of the school community. The staff of the school appreciated us and the help that we gave to keep the school running smoothly. That interaction with the school is something that I missed once my children went to high school.
I think that there are many reasons why a lot of parents won’t help out at the school. Some parents had a bad school experience when they were kids and now don’t want to be near a school if they can possibly avoid it; some parents simply don’t believe in parental involvement as they think that it’s helicopter parenting and not good for their kids; some parents are too busy, and some kids simply don’t want their mum hanging around the school.
There is really no point at all in stressing about the lack of involvement by other parents in the school community. Helping at the school is neither a duty nor an obligation and parents shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or feel that they have to come up with an excuse if they simply don’t want to be involved.
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I volunteered for our local toy library. Every member is expected to do two duties a year (a whopping 4 hours of your life), yet every week it was the same people staffing the centre. Whenever I was on (every second week), I would ask parents to sign up for their duty. And every time, they would say “no, I’m too busy”, yet every week they managed to come in and spend half an hour choosing toys.
In the end the toy library shut down. Guess who started demanding that the council reopen it? You got it. The selfish gits who felt life owed them everything and they shouldn’t have to do anything in return.
If everyone just helped a little bit, everyone’s lives would be a lot easier.
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I have to say I am sad that this volunteer feels so overwhelmed. Sadly it does happen. I volunteer at my kids school a lot. I have always known that I have to be very careful what I take on, that it doesn’t overwhelm me as it is so easy for that to happen. This was a good reminder to me to keep that balance. I love it for what it is and I want it to stay that way.
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There have ALWAYS been parents who do nothing because they quite literally do not give a stuff and can’t be bothered. They were around when I was at school, around now when my kids are at school and will no doubt be around when my grand children are at school. BUT…i really think that is a very, very small group of the school community. I think there are very few parents who do NOTHING to help because they are lazy. Most parents do what they can. I do heaps at my kids school (reading, art, tuckshop, p&c) but it would be a lie to say that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to do more. We could all do more. But I do what’s comfortable for me. So I don’t judge people that don’t do as much as me because I don’t know everything about their lives….I just accept that people are different. I concentrate on the supportive and helpful parents and don’t get hung up on the purely lazy ones.
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I think no 4 is quite pertinent and may be the reason why a lot of people are nervous about volunteering in the first place. When my daughter was in Kindergarten (and I was working, studying and had a 1yo), I joined the P&C at the school to ‘do my bit.
Before I knew what was happening, I was guilt tripped into being the ‘kindergarten coordinator’ which involved, among other things, organising the roster for the cake stall and the jumping castle for the whole 8 hours of the school fete (which in effect meant my husband and I being on these stalls ourselves for most of the day as everyone else was ‘too busy’ to take on a 1 hour shift).
After the resignation of the secretary and the appointment of a new one, I said I would help out as assistant secretary and share the minute taking duties and that type of thing. Lo and behold, the new secretary decided only a few days later that she was ‘too busy’ (she was a SAHM with a toddler at home) to fulfil the secretary duties after all and I was instantly ‘promoted’ to the role of secretary myself.
After this early experience with the the P&C, I have been very wary about getting involved again. Instead, i try and do my bit by helping out with classroom reading or swimming lessons once a term for each child (which involves me taking leave from work as I now work full time). I am happy to do this and feel these responsibilities can be contained and there is less risk of being pressured into taking on more than I can cope with.
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You sound like you have made a great contribution to your school Anonymous. I’m sorry you haven’t been better supported.
Can I go off on a tangent and say I cannot see the point of school canteens and think the parent volunteer time would be better used somewhere else. (I volunteer for canteen btw).
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Jay, do you think that there should be no canteens at all in schools, or with paid staff instead of volunteers? Or what in particular?
Not being critical of your view in any way, just wondering what draws you to that conclusion.
I always feel super-guilty when the canteen roster comes home with the “we’re desperate for help” message, but not guilty enough to turn up. Not that I do nothing – I do home reading once a week, help in the library when they need me, and have regularly washed & sorted the lost property. Adding canteen to the list isn’t in my time budget any more.
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I think there shouldn’t be canteens at schools Janelle. I cannot see the point of them. And nobody I ask knows the point of them either! Occasionally convenient to pay for the kids lunchs instead of making them…but so not worth the enormous hassle and expense (time and $) of a canteen. Happy to be be persuaded by other MM readers that I’m wrong on this one (cos there must be a reason most OZ schools have canteens!).
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I agree! My children attend a new school and we decided to run special lunch days rather than go to all the hassle of running a canteen!
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our primary school doesn’t have a canteen and it’s a blessing. it means the kids have no choice but to take a healthy lunch each day and they don’t know any different. On the last day of term my kids get a lunch order from the local shop and it’s a huge treat for them. Most parents at our school are thrilled we don’t have a canteen, not just because it means less work, but because the kids aren’t tempted by junk.
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well our school canteen handed over a cheque for $55,000 last year, the profits from the canteen have paid for a lot of things we would otherwise have not been able to purchase. It will be less this year as they have had to add another paid canteen worker because of lack of volunteers.
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The canteen at our school has loads of healthy choices so it’s a great convenience if I get stuck occasionally with limited food for lunches. The canteen is also a big profit making business at our school, along with the uniform shop, After School Hours Care and the Swim Club and these organisations within the school hand over large sums of money to the school to pay for resources such as electronic white boards, computers, books, art materials, sporting equipment, etc.
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