This is a story about two fathers and their two very different reactions to homosexuality.
Read the first letter and you will want to cry.
Read the second letter and you’ll also want to cry – but they’ll be a different kind of tears.
LETTER ONE:
This was posted on Reddit with the caption: “5 years ago, I was disowned via letter, when I came out to my father. This is how hate sounds.”
If you can’t read the text, this is what it says:
James: This is a difficult but necessary letter to write.
I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of our time together, but that is all in THE PAST.
Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No communications at all.
I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house.
You’ve made your choice though wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle, if you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand.
Have a good birthday and a good life.
No present exchanges will be accepted.
Goodbye,
Dad
The letter has now gone viral and its callous contents reveal just how tough coming out to friends and family can be for a young gay person. It’s easy to assume that in the 21st century homosexuality is broadly accepted in the Western world but this letter reveals that there is still a long way to go.
American blogger John Kinnear shared the outrage we felt when he read the letter on Reddit. And so he decided to do something about it.
John wrote a letter to his gay son, explaining his feelings about his homosexuality. But the thing is, John doesn’t know if his son is actually gay or straight. In fact he hasn’t even met his son yet – his wife is due to give birth in November this year.
But as John’s letter makes clear, regardless of his son’s sexuality he will love and support him. And if his son is gay, then John will be able to pass on these thoughts.
LETTER TWO:
Dear Hypothetically Gay Son,
You’re gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter and instead of asking me about my meal you said you were gay. I don’t know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you’re gay… because that is what it sounds like in my head right now. “My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay.”
Let me be perfectly clear. I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you’re gay. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night’s dinner. Have I said “surprise” enough in this paragraph? One more time… surprise!
OK. Let’s get a few things straight about how things are going to be.
1. Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You’re going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fiber of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home you are safe and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
2. I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re any less capable of taking care of/defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you, in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I will go to war for you.
3. If you’re going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry kiddo. Thems are the breaks. I couldn’t have girls in my room with the door shut, you don’t get to have boys.
4. You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it’s going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let’s give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.
That’s enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I’ll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn’t be more proud of the people you’ve become.
Love,
Dad
P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality act of 2020 you’re legally able to get married. When I was your age, that was just an idea. Pretty cool huh?
You can read John’s full blog post here.
It’s hard to know exactly what to say about these two starkly different reactions because it seems like it’s all been said before. Mamamia has outlined the arguments against same sex marriage and exactly why they’re bollocks. We’ve shown you the heartbreak that has come from same sex couples not being able to marry. We’ve showed you the bravery required to come out to your loved ones, with the fear of a reaction like this first letter hanging over you.
But so long as long as attitudes like those in the first letter still exist, we all need to keep the rights of and respect for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex people front of mind.
So let’s do exactly that today. Share this post on your Facebook wall, send it to a friend, talk about it with your family and make sure the people you’re close to know that your response to one of them coming out would be along the lines of letter 2 and nothing like the reaction contained in letter 1.
Comments
72 Comments so far
This is just soooo not like life is! Of course, before our children are born, everything is perfect, parents say they are willing to accept anything, but in real life almost all parents derail from this road. We fail in much smaller things.
In the first letter, behind the words I feel the despair, pain, and anger of a father whose life is turned upside down, who feels that everything that he knew about their life together, was false. It is like in a divorce. The worse times in the end seem to negate even many-many years of good times. We feel cheated, not by the other person, but by life, and we have no control over the matter. So we are angry, hateful for our human selfish reasons. Everybody should have understanding toward the other, not only the father toward the gay son, but the son toward the father. Being a parent has taught me so much about truly trying to understand and accept the other, not just when things go my way. Only after you can honestly say that you understand the feeling of the other party have a right to expect understanding in return.
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I had a dream shortly after my son was born, in it he told his father and I he was gay. The first thing I said in response was ‘don’t think this means you don’t have to use condoms kiddo’. Bizarre dream!
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I was watching the DVD ‘Milk’ and there is a quick scene where Sean Penn kisses another man. My son, then aged 6, said, ‘Eeeuuuw! Men don’t kiss each other!’ I said, ‘Well some do. And it doesn’t matter. It won’t affect your life at all.’ I then reminded him about the little girl at playgroup who has two mummies. My husband thought it might be too early to give him the ‘talk’ about homosexuality, but I figure the sooner he’s aware of it, and that it’s a non-issue if someone is gay, there will be a smaller chance of him being homophobic.
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John’s letter really did make me cry. I don’t even have kids but his are the exact words I would want to use. Absolutely beautiful, if only every parent thought like him.
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I don’t know how that man could sign his name “Dad” because he is not a father – he is a sperm donor.
Words like father and mother are not just nouns to me, they are verbs.
Just because you come from someones genetic material does not mean they will nurture you they way they should and the way you deserve.
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I don’t understand how you can possibly stop loving your child because they are gay. There is something really wrong with that parent. I could care less if my daughter is gay, straight, bi, whatever. She is my daughter and she is who she is, and I will support her no matter what. I just can’t believe in this day and age that this is still an issue, it makes me so angry.
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I am loving how supportive and non-bitchy the comments on this post have been. Great stuff, should be more of it. Has restored my faith in the comments section of MM
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There are so many qualities that make up a human being . . . by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. — IMDb Quotes: Paul Newman
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I mentioned in a comment below that my brother is gay. He came out to our family when he was about 17. He told my mother several weeks before he told my father, even though they were married at the time, and he expected her to keep it a secret from my dad which I thought was unfair. My dad was the last person he told – he waited until they were both a little drunk at a neighbour’s party.
I’ve never been more proud of my dad for the way he handled it. He is quite a ‘man’s man’ and his drunk first reaction was “I love you and nothing you can say or do or tell me about you will ever change that.” However, when he woke up in the morning, he thought that he’d dreamt it and when he realised the conversation had actually happened he was confused beyond belief.
I called him – I was living abroad at the time – that day and we spoke about it. I directed him to the PFLAG website and he found their information really useful. He has been so open with my brother, willing to offer advice when asked even if he has no clue (my brother has asked him for advice around male-to-male sex which my father obviously has no idea about) and has always been so welcoming to my brother’s boyfriends.
What makes me sad is that my brother has now virtually cut my father out of his life. He is still fairly young and quite immature. I suspect that he is embarrassed by my father’s suburban existence, the fact that he’d prefer a meal down at the local RSL to a trendy restaurant, the fact that my father doesn’t dress in suits etc.
I think that the reflects on my brother and his superficiality. He has said that he has a new family – the parents of his boyfriend – who are everything that we’re not: wealthy, live in inner-city, are into fashion…
I feel sorry for my brother who feels as though he needs to conform to some sort of stereotype of what it means to be gay. But my heart absolutely breaks for my father who responded in the most amazing way, who has been so incredibly supportive of my brother (he called my brother to ask to go shopping together after my mother left him, knowing that my brother loves shopping and hoping to give them more common group – my brother was always too busy) and has been almost a perfect example of how a parent should react when their only son comes out to them.
Then I see the first guy in the article above who would kill for a father like mine and I think that he is the type of guy that my father deserves as a son.
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Thanks for sharing your story, your father sounds wonderful and supportive and your brother (sorry to say) sounds immature. I hope one day your brother grows up and realizes the error of his ways, my husband and I live very different lifestyles to both our parents but it makes no difference to our relationship. For your fathers sake I hope your brother changes his behaviour.
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Thank you for sharing that. I was so moved by your story. Your brother needs to realise that in the pursuit of another lifestyle and the new friends he has made around that, that he would be so much more of a man if he stood proud of his family – different or not. It’s his own lack of self esteem that holds him back from this. Hopefully one day he will come to the realisation that there is no substitute for his family and will come full circle – but I fear he may have to go through some harsh lessons to bring him there. All you can do is be there for him when he inevitably falls. Sounds like you father will and that is why he is such a great man. Your brother will hopefully one day wish to be half the man that he is.
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I really hope my future children never feel like they have to clarify their sexuality or come out. I don’t think it reflects badly on parents if their kids do, I just don’t want that for mine. I hope they grow up in a society and home where that’s not considered what you are supposed to do. I think I will feel really sad if they do feel they have to declare their sexuality. It shouldn’t be important! Just bring home a date or your partner one day. I could not give a shit what gender they are!
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I’m reminded of when I saw Tom Gleeson on stage recently- he said he’d raise his daughter as a lesbian, as people tend to assume their kids are straight by default. And because he is in showbiz he’d be devastated if she ‘came out’ as straight
Not entirely a laughing matter i know, but funny at the time as well as making you think “hey yeah! why is there still a default these days?”. Interesting
I feel so sad for that son, getting a letter like that… hopefully he doesn’t go through life with his guard up because of it.
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Whoops, not sure how my comment ended up here! This site never works properly!
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When I was pregnant with our first child a son my husband was fearful of not only a gay son but a red headed son also I would tease him about this because I knew he wouldn’t really care it was just the fear of the unknown. Our son was born a red head and my husband no longer permits the red headed jokes his friends are known for because his little man will be an awesome red head. One of his mates said you know if your son is gay it will beat you down but you’ll still love him I was proud when my husband looked at my son and said yup he would. That’s love and that’s acceptance of the unknown. Shame on those parents that can’t see past that of my husband can through the love for a son so can they
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Love the second letter and just ignoring the first…
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The way I look at homosexuality is that it is NOT a “lifestyle choice.”
It is simply about who someone has in their bedroom, their love-life and their life.
I don’t tell everyone what I do in my bedroom and I don’t ask my brother what he does in his bedroom.
How dare a father judge his child on what happens in the bedroom?
It’s too ridiculously sad!
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One of my daughters is gay. She came out, and her father and I said, well, that’s lovely darling, we will welcome a daughter in law someday. Anyone you are interested in at the moment? She laughed and said we were boring:) Why? Apparently we are boringly accepting – and thats ok. She expected no different. Nor should she have had to.
Mind you, hard to get excited, as I said to her. I didn’t ask her older siblings to tell me if they were straight. Their sexuality is theirs to embrace, as long as they are careful of their health, and are consenting adults. All we want is their happiness.
And her gay friends want to be adopted. And of course they have loving pseudo parents here if needed:) Always room for more!
If one of the two youngest of the horde of offspring is also gay, well, thats nice. As nice as the ones who are straight. And just as normal. And just as loved.
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Be careful, there are hundreds of people out there who would like you to adopt them!
XOXO
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Is ok, we like having a large family – and after a certain point is noisy fun, so whats one more!
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Care to adopt me? :p You sound like a truly awesome mum x
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Lol, I’m the same! If my kids ever said that to me I’d be like, ‘well, are you bringing them over on the weekend for Sunday dinner?’, wouldn’t even blink! I think most parents know if their kids are gay but just don’t want to admit it. My best friend has had lots of tough times with his mother accepting him, yet she happily bought him dolls all his childhood and encouraged him to pursue hairdressing…
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I have a very dear friend who makes such a big deal out of trying to “macho” up her 7 year old son. He is a very dramatic, emotional child with a strong interest in fairies and mermaids and all things sparkly and fun.
Did I mention he’s SEVEN?
Anyway, she makes a big deal out of friends not buying him anything that is remotely “girlie”, tries to redirect the conversation to “boy” things whenever he talks about things she considers “girl” things, was SO relieved when he gave a girl at school a kiss on the cheek etc. etc.
It makes me so fucking mad every time I see it.
She freely admits that she would be “devastated” if he grew up to be gay and she isn’t sure that she and her husband could handle it…
I love her but in this moments I could happily kill her. I feel so sorry for the boy who is creative, intelligent, unique and fabulous.
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Having been a teacher for 30 years the signs are glaringly obvious no matter how much parents deny it. it sounds like your friends son is gay but time will tell
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Do try to talk to her! Underneath it all there are some issues that she is probably not willing to face. Make her face her fears. Be a friend and help her, so you might help the boy also.
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If my 3 year old son turns out to be gay, rad. If he doesn’t, rad. Either way, you mess with him and I will take you out. That’s pretty much the end of that.
I have several gay friends, one of whom was turfed out when she came out to her folks. I cannot comprehend the idea of excommunicating someone because of who they love. It just makes me want to sit these parents down and say, “Seriously, what the hell?” Well, maybe something a little more expressive than that, but it’s not something I’d say at a dinner party. But that friend of mine has family now – her friends. Because we were the ones who said ‘You’re still you. All good, now let’s eat Mexican food.’
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I can’t get my head around it either…though I now have an honorary son. A friend of my 15 year old daughter’s. He spends lots of time with us, because he’s barely tolerated at home. Why? Because he came out to his parents.
Breaks my heart, just seeing how unhappy he is.
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Thanks for putting a smile on my dial
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The points all highlighted in BOLD in letter two are outstanding. These points should be applicable to ALL children, not just gay children. I wish all parents would abide by these points. They are profound and gorgeous.
The first dad in letter one should be ashamed of himself. Being gay does not change who you are as a person, it is just your preference, some people like brocoli, some people like cauliflower, some men, some women. Seriously, get with the times.
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The first letter made me feel sick. The thought of a parent treating their own child that way is disgusting. We spend so much of our time trying to teach our kids to grow up to be loving, kind and non-judgemental people – how damaging for that poor guy to be treated like that by the one person who should love him no matter what.
I feel so sad that, despite a lot of improvement in reducing discrimination it is still so hard for people to feel safe and comfortable coming out to their family and friends.
The second letter was perfect. I think he summed up exactly how every parent would feel. I’m sure if my daughters came out to me I would still need to process it and I think there’d be a tinge of worry that they might have to deal with bigoted people, but I would hope to respond in exactly the same way as John. I talk openly about homosexuality with my kids and about gay marriage and how the laws need to change and I hope that they will grow up accepting all the different lifestyles that people have or choose as all part of the beautiful diversity of life.
My true hope for the next generation is that there will no longer need to be a “coming out” or lobbies or debates or special laws…that hearing “I’m gay” is no different to hearing “I drink coffee, not tea” – no big deal because we truly *know* that “gay people” are just “people” and their sexual orientation is completely irrelevant.
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Sorry, I have changed my response from saying C h r i s t i a n to ‘person of faith’… I did not realise that was offensive… My apologies…
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Hey confused,
Our filter’s going a bit crazy at the moment. Apologies for the mix up.
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Thanks Lucy!
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I am a person of faith, I just cannot understand this… Why someone would disown their own child for being gay is just so sad… I struggle with what the Bible says about being gay and it not being ‘what God intended’, as I have the pleasure of having some wonderful gay friends, and I really just can’t understand why the way that they live their life is wrong… There is so much that I connect with my faith, but this one is just really difficult to comprehend… Are there any other people of faith that feel the same way? I just could not fathom telling my child if they were gay that it’s against God’s will and that I would disown them if they didn’t change… How awful…
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Couldn’t agree more.
I was christened Catholic but I’ve applied my own understanding and criticism to the modern Bible.
Whenever I hear religious people speaking out against homosexuality, I remind myself that the Bible is a collection of texts in man’s words, not The Big Guy’s. He didn’t write the Bible, it is full of man’s interpretations of His teachings, so I choose to take the wider lessons from it (love, forgiveness, kindness, compassion) and leave the zealotry to those who choose to fill their lives with hate and intolerance.
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I’m the same!! I love God, but I can’t get on board with discriminating against people for their sexuality. God’s relationship with people is their business, not mine. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!
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The first letter made me angry, so angry. i cannot, CANNOT fathom how you could write something like that – or feel something like that – about your own child.
one of my best friends is gay and i still remember her sheer terror at the thought of telling her friends and her mum, she told our group of friends via text msg because she said she couldnt bare it if we turned away or reacted badly.
even worse with her mum, she went out of her way to hide it for another couple of years, and i remember how she would despair and be so stressed out because she was living a double life. i hate that its still like that for so many people in 2012.
my son is only a toddler at the moment but the very thought of him down the track feeling as though he has to hide who he really is from us fills me with horror, i will do all in my power to keep the lines of communication open as he grows, and for him to always know that we love him and support him regardless of if he is gay or straight.
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Dont shoot me… my younger sister is gay and i just cant accept it. To be honest i hate that she is gay and will never marry or have children. I hate myself for feeling like this but i truley hope that it is just a phase. i will always love her no matter what happens
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Why? (genuinely curious)
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I would hope that in the future being gay wouldnt exclude her from getting married
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There’s also no reason to assume she wouldn’t have children if that’s what she wants.
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No shooting here! Seriously though, most of the stuff you mentioned seems to be about your expectations for your sister, rather than about her expectations. It’s pretty normal to feel confused when family don’t do and say what we expect of them. It’s great you can recognise those feelings of confusion are separate from your love for her. Maybe you could go and talk about your feelings with a counsellor. Ultimately your sister is going to need you to work through your issues about her sexuality if you are ever going to have an honest and respectful relationship with her in the future. Good luck.
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Thanks Natalie for your kind words. Maybe speaking to a counsellor would be a good idea for me. I need to come to terms with my sister being gay. I won’t lie I do feel really sad about it, but like you mentioned they are my issues, not my sisters
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No shooting, Anon, but you might like to speak to someone about your inability to accept your sister’s sexuality. There are counselling and information services available to family members of LBGT people that might help you.
My younger sister is also gay. There was never an awkward family conversation about it, she just started dating girls and it was accepted.
When she first brought home her girlfriend to meet the family, I knew I was cool with it because that’s just how our family is. She has always said she never wants children, and that was fine too.
Later that night, I was surprised to find myself secretly disappointed that she wouldn’t follow the “traditional” path that I have. No wedding to a ridiculously handsome man, no beautiful nieces and nephews for me to spoil, no bitching about our husbands when they drive us nuts.
It’s a small part of the grown up dream, but nonetheless, it’s a part of it. I had to grieve for the life that I’d always planned we’d have as adults in order to fully accept the path that we’re now on.
I still secretly hope that she and her girlfriend will one day decide to adopt or have children, but if they don’t, I’ll spend the rest of my life buying beef bones and chew toys to spoil my neph-dogs! She can still have a beautiful wedding, whether that happens here or in another country and I’ll be there, bawling my eyes out just as I would if she were marrying someone in a suit, not a dress.
I know my sister will be the best aunt to her future nieces and nephews and will continue to be the sometimes wonderful, sometimes challenging, always amazing sister that I love so much.
My point, Anon for this, is that you need to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t be ashamed about it, but if you don’t think you’re going to be able to accept it, speak to someone who can help.
She’s still your little sister, who probably stole your clothes and listened to your teenage phone conversations, and although you’ll always love her, you’ll love yourself more if you take the step towards acceptance and support.
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Beautifully written, Gemma!
This line “I had to grieve for the life that I’d always planned we’d have as adults in order to fully accept the path that we’re now on.” – perfectly put.
I think a lot of problems that people have with accepting a sibling/child/friend who is gay are to do with a big change to how they thought things would be.
Great advice for Anon for this
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Wow Gemma, your reply just made me bawl my eyes out. You touched on everything I feel in my heart. I do grieve for the loss of the dream I had for both of us growing older with our husbands and children, but she is my little sister and I love her so much and will try my harders to accept her lifestyle.
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Lesbians can bitch about their partners, too, you might not have to give up that part of your “grown up sisters fantasy” ^^
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My brother is straight – and he and his lovely partner never married – so no wedding. They didn’t want kids – so two doggy nephews for me too. It isn’t just about being gay….
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Was going to say the same timelady. I’m 28 and I appear to have been born without a biological clock. No urge for kids at all. I find the idea slightly frightening at best! Marriage is also ‘meh’. But if the boyfriend asks I’d say yes and we would probably have a bbq. Not every woman has the same dreams! On the flipside I’ve seen some BEAUTIFUL lesbian weddings online, and children are not out of the equation. Needless panic on that front
Also after reading your comments I think you are awesome, by the way
Anon for this, give yourself time to get used to it. It could just be that after years and years of thinking you know everything about the closest person in your life it’s just a shock! If any of my family came out I’d also be slightly confused and concerned as I have no inkling that any of them are gay. Not because I love them any less or I don’t accept them. It’d just be a surprise. Maybe be just as honest with your sister- let her know that it’s still blowing your mind but you still adore her to the ends of the earth. Maybe you can talk it through and it could help. Best of luck to you and her
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To be honest I don’t think your reaction is that uncommon and I think its great that you recognise that no matter what you will still love her. I think its understandable that you feel sad that she will miss out on important things in life, but I hope that we as a community and you for your sake and your sisters can move forward to a place where we realise and accept that (a) many gay people do (and should be legally able to) marry and have children; and (b) that these two things are not always the recipe for everyone’s happiness.
As much as I hope for a future where coming out is not traumatic for everyone involved, I understand that for some people it does take some time to accept because of the preconceived notions of what being gay means these days (in terms of discrimination, opportunities etc)
I think there is a huge difference between concern that you have for your sister and the letter above. I hope you can both work this out.
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This comment thread brought a tear to my eye and is one of the best things I’ve ever read on Mamamia. Thank-you.
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My good friend is in a lesbian relationship with a wonderful caring partner and they have two adorable baby girls. They are in love and are a loving family, their relationship is one to aspire to. Don’t be scared for your sister, she too can have it all – and bitch about her partner with you too!
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…have children? My gay girlfriends have just given birth to their first baby (and are fabulous parents) and marriage?…..without doubt that will happen (albeit slowly) but woman once couldn’t vote.?!? Times are changing and open your heart -
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Hi Anon for this. I found it quite difficult when my brother came out too. Which was strange because my parents had gay friends when I was younger, I was living with a gay man at the time, my boss (and adored friend) at the time was gay and I was volunteering for an HIV charity where about 70% of my colleagues were gay men. And I still found it difficult!
Keep letting your sister know that you love her. And maybe check out the website for PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) – they give some great advice for when loved ones come out.
For me, it took me only a couple of weeks to really accept. Some people it takes longer, some less time. I hope that one day soon your sisters sexuality will become to you as irrelevant as my brother’s is to me.
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I have 3 children and none of them have told me they are gay nor do I have any reason to suspect that this may be the case.
I know I love my children and would “go to war with them” and I hope if any of them ever tell me they are gay I am able to embrace it as a part of their life, their soul, their being. Until we have been in that situation none of us know how we will react however I can guarantee you I wont ever write my children a letter telling them goodbye and it gets me to thinking what does this boys mother think – I hope she is still in contact with him.
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Heterosexuals have a born to rule attitude.
Smash the Heterosexual Dictatorship !!
Gay is Beautiful.
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Nah we don’t, I couldn’t give a toss who is in charge, as long as it’s not me!
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My son came out some years after I had thought that he was gay. I don’t know why he didn’t tell us earlier but now that he has, it really is not an issue at all. It did hurt when he was not being open with us, but then I think it is important that people do things when they are ready. It is a cliche but he is still the same person, with a great partner.
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I have two young boys. I will be teaching them that when they grow up most boys love girls – but many boys love boys and that is ok. I hope they learn that is doesn’t matter who they love or who they chose to enter into relationships with as long as they love with their whole heart and always treat the person with dignity, truth and respect.
And wow 2020 sounds like an awesome year!
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This post hits very close to home. My younger sister is gay, I knew long before she came out and did not hesitate in letting her know how much I love her and accept her for who she is. I was the first person she came out to in the family, I think because she knew deep down what my reaction would be. She actually sent me an email telling me saying she couldn’t face telling me in person just in case I disowned her…. this was when I was still living at home and she was in the room next door trying to sleep. I went into her room sat on her bed, gave her a hug and kiss and told her nothing has changed, she’s still my baby sister and I will lover her always.
My other sister didn’t have such a great reaction, I guess she didn’t really have a reaction she basically just tries to ignore it, as do my parents. My mum kept trying to convince my sister that it was a phase and that she just hadn’t met the right guy, there were many many arguments in our house until my younger sis moved away for study. Now even though it’s a known thing in the family it’s not really spoken about, I’m the only one she speaks to and tells me about her girlfriend. I’m glad that she at least has me to come to and talk to about this stuff.
I’m also so happy that husband feels the same as me. When I told him my sister was gay (she came out to me just a few weeks before I was married) he just looked at me and said well that’s fine, I love your sister she is a great person.
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5 years ago my brother came out to me on his 40th birthday. Since I’d long been convinced he was gay, when he told me I replied “I know” and the conversation moved on to his birthday party and his lovely partner.
Since then, I’ve found out that our mother confronted him years ago and asked if he was gay and told him he was an abomination (her word) when he said yes. She tells me that she wanted to disown him and in her confusion, she decided to tell our dad, who she’d been divorced form for years. His response to her suggestion that they disown him – “He’s still our son”.
I found this out long after my dad died (I thought he didn’t know) and I can’t think of another instance in my life where I’ve been more ashamed or more proud of something a member of my family said. I love my brother and I thought that when he was ready he’d tell me and he did but I can see now why it took him so long.
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As a woman who lost her father at age 8 to suicide, this just breaks my heart. It took me many years to come to terms with the idea that my father had chosen a path that meant he didn’t want to be part of our lives anymore.
My father, though, was a very sick man. James’ father just sounds like scum.
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“I will go to war for you”.
THAT, is what a parent should say to their child, not “goodbye”.
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I look at my two boys and think they are just the greatest. One day when he was in grade 2 the eldest told me he was gay. He said “it’s fine, all my friends are gay too!” I dont know if he is or isn’t. I dont know when boys usually start being interested in girls if they are heterosexual (he’s 13 next year). He’s a wonderful person and I am so proud of the person he’s growing into. I’m not fussed on who he has relationships with as long as they too are a good person. I want him to experience deep love one day, in whatever form is most natural for him.
That first letter just saddens me.
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Parents can be cruel. My own father disowned me via text message a few years ago. I have no idea why but I think you reach a point when you have to let go of family members who will just end up doing you more harm than good.
I hope that James was able to move on from this and love himself completely like his father never could.
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I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you Anonymous. But what a lovely comment about James. Xx
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A similar thing happened with my father, not immediately, but a couple of years after telling him (my mother had passed away). My partner stood up against him at a time that he was being unpleasant to me and he left a message on my work phone messagebank knowing that I would not be at work at that time. Then he followed it up with an email that said similar things to the first letter. This email went further though it ensuring I understood that his Will had also been changed to not include me. What is hurtful about that is the finality of the statement. My partner and I had one child at the time. Letters were returned, as were presents.
Some years later when I was pregnant again I received another email from him wishing me a hppy Easter (I was so surprised).
I have had him back in my life for two years now – we see him a couple of times a year mostly at family things.
And the funny thing is while I came out I did everything else in a very conventional way, did well at school and uni, got good jobs, bought houses, met my partner, moved out of the city to have kids, joined the P&C etc I still cannot be fully excepted by him.
Its hard to imagine feeling this way about my own child. I don’t get it.
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The first letter didn’t make me cry, it made me ANGRY. So very very angry. What kind of father could disown their son because of who they are?
Being and Emo is a lifestyle choice. A hippy is a lifestyle choice. How anyone can think that homosexuality in this day and age is a lifestyle choice is beyond me.
Ugh. People make me sick sometimes.
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It shouldn’t matter if your child chooses to be a gay hippy emo or not, it’s about supporting them in whatever they do or whoever they are!
I’m a bisexual female who chooses to be in a long term monogamous relationship with a man. I expect my family to support all of my choices (as long as I’m not hurting anyone), just as I do theres.
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GOSH, this makes me angry not sad why would his dad say that! if i went to my mother and told her i was lezz she would understand she wouldnt make it awkward or she wont run away from me and give me letters!!! she would understand!!!
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I have two teenage sons. I have no reason to think that they are gay and they tell me that they are not when conversations on this topic come up. My husband and I know that our love for our sons would not change due to their sexuality. We would welcome prospective partners into our home and love them dearly whether they were male or female. We love our sons for who they are not for what they are and support them as best we can. I recently had a discussion with 15yo son who attends all boys school. He is aware a couple of the boys are gay. When I asked about how they went at school, he told me that the other boys accept that they are gay and that is that. He was not aware of them getting a difficult time at school because of this. I was pleased for the boys at school that they could grow up being themselves and not in fear of recrimination and proud of my son and his friends for accepting these boys for who they are at a difficult time in any teenage boy’s life. May we live in hope that first sad letter from Father to son never happen again.
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It breaks my heart that someone could cut their child – their flesh and blood – out of their life because they are gay.
I can only imagine the first father on his deathbed he will be eaten up inside because of his hate, prejudice and bitterness – he will have no one to blame but himself…
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