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I have an amazing job. Amaaaazing. In a couple of weeks, they are sending me overseas for six weeks to advance a project I’m working on. I will be travelling through Scotland and England, spending my days researching and writing on things I’m passionate about. Dream come true?
Well, not exactly. You see, I have two primary-school-aged children who can’t come with me. They will be back here in Australia with their dad and his partner, safe and loved and in their routines as much as possible. I will see them on Skype, daily I hope. Back when I planned the trip, six weeks felt like it would be a cinch. I even wondered if I should have gone for two months. But now, looking down the barrel at the airport goodbye, I just feel sick.
The warring impulses inside me keep me awake at night. First, of course, is the guilt. Blinding guilt. What am I doing, leaving my babies? I can feel their umbilical cords again, pulling on my insides. Should I change to a less fulfilling project that requires no overseas travel, even if it harms my career? Should I take a less exciting job while they are at school? How selfish of me to want to advance my career, expand my mind, actualise my self. But then there’s the other impulse: the airy joy that I will be free and out in the world, growing and blossoming and feeling the value of my work. I love work. I always have. Good work seems to me one of the most important experiences a human can have. Travelling and working on this project makes me want to cry with excitement.
I haven’t asked the children what they want. Deciding on the future of my career is way too much responsibility to place on a child, and I know what they’d say anyway: a big, long “no” like the ones I get when I try to send them to school on rainy days or make them eat cauliflower. Instead, I’ve said that we will be apart, that we will miss each other and be sad, but that we will survive it and be back together soon enough.
The opinions of others also hold their sway, and I’ve heard them all. From “half your luck ” to “it’s work, you have to go” to “can’t you shorten the trip a little?” to the muttered “I suppose, if you must” (usually delivered with faint disapproving frown). I have also felt these opinions myself, sometimes all of them in the space of a few minutes.
The problem is, there are too few role models to call on. We understand that men go away for business; I saw my own father go away for work numerous times. But I’m desperate to meet women who have to go away for business. Desperate for a mother to tell me what to expect, what a reasonable time away might be, how my children might react, how to deal with the haters.
Sometimes, when I’m churning through all this at three in the morning (great preparation for the jet lag that awaits me at the other end), I have a fantasy. In it, my daughter is a grown woman with children of her own. She is offered a six-week opportunity overseas for work; it is exciting, career building, but she knows her children will miss her terribly.
And then I imagine she doesn’t even ask for my advice. Because she already knows it’s okay.
Kim Wilkins has published over 20 novels and now teaches writing and literature at University of Queensland. You can read more about her here.
Have you ever left your children alone for an extended period? Did your parents ever leave you while they went away?
Comments
170 Comments so far
Six weeks is a long time for primary age kids. Probably too long.
Sure, they’ll survive, but they’ll fret and they’ll miss you and they may even cry for you.
But you have every right to leave them, parents have been leaving their kids for ever. I’m not meaning to put you on a guilt trip. In fact, I travel a lot for my job and recently left my 12 year old daught for five weeks because I put my career first.
It probably is selfish and not very nice, putting yourself ahead of your kids like that , but what do you do? Just do it and don’t beat yourself up.
It just sucks that it has to hurt so much.
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Well if it is as you say “selfish and not very nice” then perhaps you shouldn’t do it.
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Why can’t mother’s take some time for themselves. Why do we label this ‘selfish’? Does having kids mean you give up the right to have or do anything for yourself for the next 18 years? What a miserable life.
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Hurt them so much, really? My Dad works away from home and always has. (My mum is a trooper!!!!) It hasn’t hurt us at all, sure he’s missed birthdays and graduations etc but, it certainly hasn’t hurt us. I’m sure I cried when he left when I was little but after a few days and postcards it was almost forgotten and his returns are always celebrated. It’s made us independent, well rounded adults who know that people have responsibilities
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I think that mother guilt hits you no matter what you do.
I often travel for work and my kids are perfectly fine with the dad. The only part he hates is when people tell him he wonderful he is to be looking after the kids for me!
I remember that my mum took her first ever opportunity to go overseas when I was in my early teens and we stayed with my dad and step mother. Looking back that would have been a logistical nightmare given they lived half an hour apart then but with the help of neighbors and grandparents, they made it work in a way I never questioned.
Make the most of an awesome opportunity. Skype is great and last time I went to the US, my 4yo kept asking me to leave as he could not wait to speak to me on the computer!
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Hilarious that the one negative comment on here about how she is abandoning her kids is deleted….or perhaps all the negative comments are being deleted (ahhh…there were others too.) What’s with trying to make this woman feel like she’s doing the right thing, when she isn’t necessarily? Class act Mamamia, way to show a range of responses to an issue.
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I agree! There is nothing wrong with dissenting views so long as it’s kept polite and doesn’t character-assassinate the author or others. The negative comment deletions have become a lot more militant of late.
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but the original comment was not polite….
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We welcome differences of opinion as long as they remain respectful to the author of the article (and other commenters). The comment that was deleted was in no way respectful. There is a way to state your opinion without being abusive.
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My husband travels regularly with his job and has been away for periods of longer than 4 months at a time, 5 times, in the last 12 years as well as numerous shorter trips so I have some experience of the other side of it. The important thing I have discovered is that it is the quality of care that the children are left with that matters, more so than the length of time you are away. As long as the kids still have some stability and are loved and nurtured by their Dad then I am sure they will be just fine. I also think the frequency of the trips makes a difference in the long run as well as the age of the kids. My early primary school age kids are pretty happy with mum or dad and would probably miss us both equally, but my 13 year old son REALLY misses his Dad and that need has changed depending on their ages. Also, if you are gone for 1 six week chunk of their life it’s not so bad but if you were to go away frequently for several weeks at a time you will start to consistently miss important events in their life and you might lose out on that bond with them. That is what has happened with the ups and downs of our life anyway but as my children are young, their dad had been able to reestablish the bond with some consistent time at home.
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I will also add in my limited experience of me being the one to go away and leave the kids that it was guilt inducing & heart wrenching for me, especially when I saw how well everyone got on without me!
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It really depends on the child(ren) in question, the family dynamics and how well or able everyone understands what is happening and why. If your kids are prepared and are relatively secure, it surely can’t hurt them. If it was a suprise attack, they might not cope well for that period of time! Given your obvious level of thought on the topic, I’m sure you’ve talked about it with them and everyone knows what’s happening.
I fly regularly for work (as a govt lawyer in a regional area- we do circuit work- think ABC’s “The Circuit” and welcome to my life). I’m only away for one or two nights and sometimes just the day.
The double whammy is that my son flies regularly as well (to see his dad in the city) so unfortunately, it means I might fly out at 6.30am and he has a flight at 10am. I hate not being able to take him to the airport or really even saying goodbye as he is so sleepy when I leave. But like I said, it’s about how he sees it. This is our life and he’s been flying around the country, once a month, solo for 5 years. I’m very confident that it’s a bigger deal to me than him because it’s so ingrained for him. I’ve even missed his first day of the new school year before- that one was hard.
Sure, I could not go on my trips but seriously, it is one of the best parts of the job and I love it. We have open communication (which is damn near impossible with a pre-teen) so I have to have faith that he would tell me if at any point he felt upset or hurt by my absence. In the meantime, I hope he sees I work hard, I am committed to my job and we get handsomely rewarded for the effort…but mostly, I know he knows that he is number one and if I had to choose, it would be him every time.
Enjoy your trip and keep showing them that it’s possible to have a job that you enjoy and are good at:)
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Don’t feel guilty – it’s only 6 weeks! Have a great time and bring back presents.
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Don’t think just about the farewell at the airport – think forward to the arrival back at the airport! It will be magic and remembered for a long time.
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The guilt will be there until you get on the plane … and it takes off … and you know they will be absolutely fine! My husband and I have done child-free trips for 2 weeks at a time and I know it’s making them more resilient and hopefully is setting a good example for when they become parents too (when I guess I’ll be at home minding their kids!) At least that’s what I tell myself.
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How old were your children when you first left them? We’d love to go to NYC for 10 days or even 2 weeks when ours are just 3 and 5.5. But not sure?!
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I’m old enough to remember the criticism Fergie (Duchess of York) copped for leaving her baby while she went to visit Prince Andrew while he was away in the Falklands war (I think?). Cant imagine that happening today!
As long as your kids know you can talk to them if they need I dont think there’s a problem, they will be with their dad afterall.
The only problem I see with some kids whose parents travel a lot, or in fact just work extremely long hours, is the ones who tend to overcompensate for not being around with buying lots of lavish gifts for them, which doesnt do the kids any favours.
You sound too grounded for that sort of rubbish so I’m sure your kids will be perfectly fine. And I’m sure your kids will appreciate you so much more when you return.
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Not lavish gifts but when my husband returns after longer periods of absence I notice he is annoyingly “permissive” with the squids! Drives me bonkers.
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Try having to go into hospital for months at a time as a single mother with no consistent person to look after your daughter each time. She just gets shunted between people and boarding school and your best friends criticise you about it as if (a) they’re willing to help out and be that consistent person, which they’re not; and (b) you have any control over the situation. I went 8 months without seeing my daughter once because I was in hospital and she was pissed about it. These days, I have a housemate who’s there to feed my cats when I go into hospital. My daughter (grown up now, but 9 when I got sick) never even had that.
This article? Bourgeous whining I never had the luxury to do. “What am I doing, leaving my babies [ for six weeks]?” Please.
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Wow – that came across really mean . You’re not whining or bourgeois. What I meant was – have a great time on your trip, Kim. Your kids will be FINE.
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Point taken, Anonymous, and taken very much to heart. I grew up working class and have worked very hard for my middle class privileges, but it’s good to be reminded that they are very much privileges. Blessed be.
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My Mum is British and went away every year or two for 2-4 weeks at a time to visit her Mum when we were kids… there was no possible way she could have afforded to bring the whole family along, so she did what she had to do to visit her own mother.
There were always crocodile tears when she left at the airport, not going to lie, but we were all fine.. in fact I can barely even remember the times she was away, apart from extreme excitement when we would pick her up from the airport, it certainly wasn’t time spent pining miserably though. My sisters and I are just fine… no trauma or abandonment issues.
I say, go for it. Your kids have a parent to look after them, and believe me they probably will not think twice about it in years to come – apart from exciting airport memories
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GO FOR IT!. 6 weeks will be tough for your kids at the time and then they’ll get over it. You will be a better Mum for fulfilling your own dreams. Run, chase your dreams down relentlessly. It’s not easy but NO GOOD THING IN LIFE IS! You’re a great Mum.
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Your kids are staying with their Dad, they will be looked after and well cared for and won’t even remember you being away in years to come!
My Dad worked full time, some very long hours, and was away for work a lot. My relationship with him is equally as close and loving as it is with my Mum who only rarely went away without us. I don’t even remember his absences and only know he was away because I’ve talked about his career with him now that I’m an adult!
You’ll miss them but 6 weeks is but a speck in the grand scheme of things, enjoy every last second of it. You’ll only regret it if you spend the time moping and being homesick.
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She is not abandoning them. She is coming back. She will be speaking to them regularly. I must ask, is a man who travels for business “abandoning” his kids too or is this judgement just reserved for mothers?
It’s not a loyalty issue; if she were not committed to her family she would be no doubt pursuing umpteen incredible and possibly permanent overseas opportunities. Instead she is here with her family for most of the time; just because you yourself would not take up a 6 week trip away does not mean that her parenting choices are inferior to yours.
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I had an absent/travelling working father my whole life and I hated it. So yep, my view below would be exactly the same if we were talking about a man. A 6wk one-off trip may be fine in the scheme of things, but if this was simply the longest trip amongst other regular travel (like some of the other comments) then I simply rely on my experience as a kid.
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If you were male, would we be even having this discussion?
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Yes, definitely. See me below.
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My sister goes overseas for 4 or 5 weeks at a time once or twice a year and it’s no problem – her son was 9 or 10 when she started doing it, he’s now 14. His father is semi-retired, which helps, but there would still be a workaround (eg after school with Grandma) if he wasn’t. Both boys are keen cooks, so no fear of them starving. She Skypes them from her laptop whenever she gets the opportunity.
I think it’s important to show children that you can go off and do things that are important to you while still loving the family and being part of it, that you don’t have to be a martyr to love and care for them.
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Oh Kim, I FEEL YOU. I have spent weeks away (the most being 3 and a half) from my kids while performing both around Australia and overseas and it is so damn hard. The first trip away I felt so miserable until about halfway through, I snapped myself out of it by reminding myself that by being such a sad sack, it really WAS a waste to be away from them. I had better sort myself out and make the most of it so as to make it worth it.
On other trips, as long as there’s Skype it really is amazing how much easier it is just to be able to see each other. Once you hear their voices and see their faces from the other side of the globe you will feel much better.
As for the haters…well, I’ve certainly had my fair share, I even had a close friend tell me that she thought I was putting my kids last. I wrote quite a ranty outpouring about it: http://comicmummy.com/2011/08/10/putting-the-family-last-warning-major-rant-ahead/
I think all you can do is have faith in your decisions and knowing that your kids are really learning so much from your example to pursue your passions and that your needs are important too. You’re a family. There is give and take on both ends.
And yes, the celebration upon your return and the gifts are awesome. I always find that for the first few days after my return, we are all SO much nicer to each other.
Best wishes for it all!
xxx
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A lady I work with once told me how she had to travel to the US for work when her kids were in infants school. She went through all the same heartache as you and suffered serious gulit the whole trip. She told me that years later when she asked her adult children if they remembered the time Mummy went away for work they all looked at each other trying to remember. Once finally piped up – “oh is that where that Basketball jumper we all loved came from…”. The moral – in the grand scheme of things – 6 weeks while you are away is a blip on the radar of the time you have been and will be with them. Love is what they remember. Go and enjoy yourself – being the best “you” you can be will make you the best Mum you can be which includes feeling fulfilled. Sure you will all miss each other but you will be home before you and they know it!
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Those 6 weeks will be forgotten when you walk through the door with a bunch of cool presents from overseas!
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Some children have absent parents for all the wrong reasons.
I think mother guilt is working here because if you were a man you wouldn’t even questions it.
Make your children proud, go forth and venture and when you get back go in for show and tell at your children’s schools and share your stories.
A happy mother fulfilling her dreams has to be healthier than a mother who wishes she’s followed her dreams…
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I haven’t done 6weeks, but I travel regularly for 4-5 days at a time, for my own business. I am lucky to have a husband who supports me in this, and who quite frankly is better at running the house and kids than I ever have been. My kids are 8 & 12. When I am home, I make an effort to attend any events they have going on. But sometimes I can’t, as every working mum knows, and I don’t think this will ruin their lives. I hope I am setting a good example to them that they can dream big, and that those dreams are within their reach. Also, that working hard is rewarding and satisfying – not above and beyond everything else, but as a part of the whole.
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What an exciting oppurtunity! Im sure your kids will be fine & maybe enjoy extra time with their father! My 7 yr old cousin has a mum who works high up in flight centre so travels very often. Her father is a stay at home dad & she is perfectly fine & a very well adjusted little girl. When her mum is home they spend lots of quality time together. It is actually much better for the family when my aunt is working as she is happier & much more fulfilled. Go and enjoy yourself! It will be over all too soon
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Some children have absent parents for all the wrong reasons.
I think mother guilt is working here because if you were a man you wouldn’t even questions it.
Make your children proud, go forth and venture and when you get back go in for show and tell and share your stories.
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I had a dad who always travelled for work when I grew up-he’s a property developer. He was never there for any school event, weekends, though he tried to be there for birthdays. As a young adult (12-20) I totally resented how (in my mind) he came in and out of mine, my brother’s and mum’s lives. I had a shocking relationship with him as a result. Now I’m 35, he and my mum divorced about 10yrs ago and I do have a better relationship with him. In hindsight I think he just expected my mum to be there so he just did whatever he needed to do for work-even though my mum had a full time and quite intense job too. I always said I would marry a man who would not have travel as a primary part of his job due to my experience. This was my life as a kid and as a kid I HATED it. I hope you manage it better than my dad cause kids do remember the promises that are broken.
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As an add on, from as young as I can remember I knew my dad was away working but I didn’t appreciate the impact and negative consequence it had on me until later years of primary school and high school. So those of you who are saying if it was a man nobody would bat an eyelid clearly never had an absent working father as they grew up.
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I think what people mean is that it wouldn’t questioned by society so much as when it is a mother doing the travelling.
My dad was away heaps, like yours, and like you it had a hugely negative impact. I don’t think anyone is questioning the impact it has, just that it is more socially acceptable for a family man to travel.
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Yeah, Go For It, I accept what you’re saying. I guess my comments were definitely about impact on the kids and the disruption in the life as a family. This was my experience and seems to be yours as well, and I never want my two kids to experience that – they will get enough disappointments and broken promises in their life. At least this may be one I can try and avoid.
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I don’t have that experience whatsoever. Dad was away all the time and in 12 years only came to school twice. I don’t hold it against him though, he was doing what he had to, to look after us. Simple as that. Get the chip off your shoulder.
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The only chips in my life, Jack, are the ones I put in my mouth. That was my experience and my opinion. You’re lucky your Dad managed the absence a lot better than mine. My Dad had many other options that would have been able to provide for us just as well and even now my Dad accepts that it could’ve been done better. This site is about opinions and experiences so don’t assume things about me that you don’t know. Glad your experience was different to mine.
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I think one 6 week trip is a little different to someone who is never around on weekends or for any school events.
I think if the author was doing these trips every couple of months her kids might find it tough at that age but it sounds to me like this is fairly rare.
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I’ve travelled off an on throughout my kids lives since they were tiny (now 17 and 14) longest time 6wks with my husband to Vietnam. Each time they either stayed with grandparents (which was great for both the kids and our parents) or if just me, with my husband (again great for both, plus gave my husband more of an idea of what a work load I had in the home). They’ve always been fine. In fact my youngest even went to the US alone at age 10 on a school exchange for 2 weeks and had a ball (actually rang us to ask if he could stay longer). Both of my kids are independent and confident and don’t seem to have suffered from either myself or my husband being away for certain periods (my husbands ex-defence so has often gone away for long periods as well). Plus they’ve always loved the excitement of getting calls for overseas or presents from far off lands and chatting about the places we’ve been. We put way more guilt on our shoulders than we need to as mothers. Yes you’ll miss them but go and enjoy yourself.
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I also want to add my mother devoted herself to my brother and I. She worked in a menial job despite having the capacity to do better, so she could be there for us with the right hours, and she did not pursue outside interests.
While I appreciate her being there for us I think it was too much. Your kids need you for sure, but there has to be a balance.
Now we are in our mid to late 20′s my mum has no career, no interests, no real life of her own and is very dependent on us. I feel so guilty about how much she needs us for company. I love spending time with her, and we talk every day almost, but I wish she had pursued more of her own life and did not need my brother and I so much.
Think long term with this trip – one day your children will be grown up with lives of their own, you need to have a life of your own in place. It is very hard, as my mother has discovered, to start life again at 50 something – friends, hobbies, job etc after giving everything up for 20 years. She has lost all her skills, and not just work skills because life skills like making friends and succeeding at a hobby or interest. I don’t wish my mum had gone off and pursued some high powered career and rarely seen us, just that she had lived a little more of her own life while also raising us.
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I don’t think it’s anyone’s role here to say whether 6 weeks is too long. You know it’s not, you’re setting a brilliant example for your kids, and quite frankly they’ll be with a loving parent. From experience, there’s no such judgment if youre the man in this situation. I travel regulary for work and the kids don’t mind (aged 3 and 6). The whole family and childcare/ school neighborhood community pitches in to help my husband. The kids see a happy and fulfilled mum with her own life, they learn from my travel, recieve exciting photos, videos and presents when I return, and occasionally have got to cme along when it’s for a longer time. Most importantly, my husband gets the chance to spend time with the kids without me dictating routines, and the kids get closer to him every time. I also get to be just me when I travel, and I love it.
My one suggestion – keep busy. The only times I have been really homesick have been when I slowed down, and gave myself too much time to miss the family. And make sure every hotel has internet so you can Skype regulary. My kids are fascinated by hotel rooms!!
Enjoy, guilt free. Your kids are lucky to have two loving parents and a comfortable life. They’re amongst the lucky kids on this planet. They’ll survive just fine!
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GREAT response!
)
It’s what I was thinking, but could not say nearly so eloquently!
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Many parents have to go away for work for periods of time eg Defence Force Personnel without anyone worrying about the children being left with only one parent.
It is only six weeks and they are with a parent who loves them and in the long run the advancement of your career will provide more money for the family. Although there is far more than money involved in raising children extra money does allow you to provide opportunities and activities for your children you may not be able to afford otherwise.
Would this be an issue if it was the father going away for work? It would probably not have the layer of guilt mothers like to lay on each other in situations like this.
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My husband lives away during the week and I single parent and work full-time from home – in a way I am blessed. I get to travel at least once a month interstate and then overseas on the odd occasion. Our children see two hard-working parents who are trying to do the best they can. They know our love is strong for them. I think the point is minimise the time you are away, but realistically you have to do what you need to do to get your job done. Our children can choose their responses and they can also learn to appreciate and value how hard their parents work to provide a financially stable home life.
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Last year I was offered the opportunity for work to pay for me to do some work at a conference in Amsterdam. My children are a little older than yours, young teens, but still very much rely on their mum to keep life running smoothly. We are a family that traditionally spends a lot of time together. This would be the first time that I had done anything that remotely resembled a “holiday” without them. Not going wasn’t really an option professionally but I did make the decision to extend the time away past the working days to see parts of the world that I had only dreamed of. After work at the conference in Amsterdam for a week, I then did a whirlwind tour of Europe fitting in 10 countries in 14 days. It was sight seeing at breakneck speed filled with so many new experiences that there wasn’t honestly a lot of time to miss my loved ones. There were moments I missed my husband and my boys but mostly it was very alien and very exciting to only worry about myself for nearly four weeks. I did want I wanted to, when I wanted to. I was number one on “the list” of priorities – how many times do we get to do that as a mum? Solo seeing the world is not something I imagine will ever be done again by myself but boy oh boy it was an awesome adventure. Go for it. The kids sound like they will be in good hands. You will regret not taking the chance when you had it. Inspire your children to be brave and take exciting and positive opportunities in their lives like their mum does.Have a great time.
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I love this! So happy you got to see beautiful Europe!
I’m sure your kids would have been enthralled and inspired hearing about your travel tales!
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In my experience a parent being away too much (my dad) was not great. But if it is just one 6 week trip, or every now and then, why not? They are with their Dad, they can get some quality time with their other parent. Your life and career are important too. It’s good for kids, I think, for them to realise their mum’s have lives too, they are not just put on earth to serve their children. It raises healthy and independent kids. I’m really against helicopter parenting and I think going away for a few weeks helps not being that kind of parent.
But really it comes down to what you think is best for you family. There is no right answer. This is just my opinion. The headline is phrased badly ‘how long is too long’ – there is no answer. Just like there is no answer to ‘stay at home/go to work’ ‘breastfeed or not’ ‘day care or not’ ‘when to leave at home alone’. All you can do is read others experiences (not firm answers to the question) and do what you feel you should do.
I say go for it.
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I have been here too! It is hard isn’t it, as it’s really like being torn in two – the desire and need to go, the desire and need to be with your kids.
In my experiences doing this (a few times), it’s hideous all the time right up till the airport (and once I really sobbed AT the airport after through the gates, stricken with unease I was hurting my kids) and then once you’re on the plane, you’ll feel better. And once you get there, you’ll feel good. The freedom is actually lovely, and you’ll realise you’re there, and worrying about the kids (who you left in excellent care) doesn’t change anything. As you said, you are leaving them with their other parent, and this shouldn’t be underestimated! They’ll be times when they miss you, and you them, but skype helps (I’ve read mine bed time stories over skype from OS!), and also send them mail – lots of mail. I set up an email account for my eldest and we emailed each other regularly. Also send proper mail. I also left a couple of treats for the kids for their dad to give them at set times when I was away (half way through, or when they were feeling a bit sad), just small toys or whatever I knew they’d love and want. And I’ve also made a cross-off calendar a few times for them to cross of the days and count down till I got back.
In the end, you are not leaving them with a stranger, you are leaving them with their parent who loves them and they love. You have to work and it is not a crime to enjoy your work. Your kids WILL be ok, and so will you. And that moment when you touch them again after 6 weeks away (because I found I missed them viscerally – I desperately wanted to snuffle their necks and feel their little bodies next to me) is AMAZING. It’s ok for kids who have a parent who they know adores them and cares for them beautifully sometimes has to do other things, even for a few weeks.
Enjoy yourself and update us when you get back!
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Some fabulous ideas here!
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It sounds like you really love your job and that in itself is a fantastic example for your children.
Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean your life stops. Just because you adore your children doesn’t mean they should be your entire focus for the two decades they’re in your care — unless that’s what fulfils you. We should keep living our lives and take our children along with us, teaching them lessons along the way.
If your work is important to you, do it. If being a SAHM and baking bread and growing veggies is important to you, do it. BEcause after your babies have made their way into the world, the greatest lessons they can learn is that we should all try and fill our days with work that fulfills us, be it in the home or a paid environment.
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Why do we have these stereotyped images in views of the different parenting boxes we place people in. People aren’t SAHM because they want to bake bread and grow veggies, and plenty of us mums who work bake bread, grow veggies and home make the food our children eat. Everything I read about parenting discussions focuses on putting us all in boxes. Truth be known every single one of us has a different situation and way of being a parent so let’s stop stereotyping and understanding more.
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Actually, I am a working mum who bakes bread and grows veggies and sews…and then puts on a suit three days a week and goes into the CBD and works in an office.
So, I didn’t mean to stereotype anyone. I was just pointing out that different things make different people happy.
If you’re a SAHM mum who hates baking bread and growing veggies, I apologise profusely.
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My 9yo son is going on school camp for 4 nights later this year. It will be torture for both of us. Last year it was for 2 nights and I missed him SOOOO much. There’s no way I could leave either of my kids for 6 weeks. That being said, I have never ‘loved’ my job. So I can see that I may feel differently if that were the case.
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I understand as a mother one does feel guilty when someone else cares for their kids, but they are with a parent. I found it annoying when my ex would be away for 1 month and at one time 6 months for work, but there’s no way he would have done the same for me. If you have the opportunity, good for you. It will make the kids appreciate you more when you are there too.
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I did 9 weeks when I was on The Block. Nearly killed me at the time. But in hindsight no one was damaged and it went by fast. Happy to have done it than not.
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Oohh! Just wanted to say hi!
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No I don’t travel for business anymore. Once I decided to have children I changed my job role so that I could be here for them 24/7 “IF” I wanted to, I didn’t want work telling me I had to leave them. This was absolutely the right decision for us. They are my priority. Sure, the (part time) role I do know is less interesting, and I certainly don’t get the sense that I am “growing and blossoming and feeling the value of my work” anymore but I had 15 years to do that “before kids” and I will do it again once they no longer need me around on a day to day basis. (I’m expecting that this will be between 15-18 years old).
My daughter will know she can do anything she wants because I did it too before I had kids.
I think 6 weeks is too long but that’s my opinion. I’m leaving my husband and kids to go away with a girlfriend in July where I plan to lie by a pool and read and eat undisturbed for 5 days/nights. No doubt there will be others that think this is not right.
I don’t understand all the hand-wringing and mother “GUILT” comments – listen to your intuition – if your gut is telling you it isn’t right, then it probably isn’t and you shouldn’t be doing it.
I know this is probably a bit controversial but aren’t mother guilt discussions just another way of asking others to validate your choices which you suspect are probably not in the best interests of your child?
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My girlfriend had a husband who worked away and she would leave her daughter at her dad’s for a night or two if work was intense, and her husband would take her up to his parents if he was working in that area so he could see her every night and she could enjoy her other grandparents, while giving my friend a break from single parenting.
Best thing she ever did. My girlfriend passed away unexpectedly and this meant her daughter had wonderful relationships with the people who loved her.
You aren’t damaging your relationship with your children, you’re allowing their other relationships space to grow. And setting a great example while you’re at it!
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I really agree with this. My daughter is only 10 months old and I really hope to help her build strong relationships with all of her ‘community’ and family. She is in family day care a couple of days a week, she is babysat by her grandparents and a family friend, she goes to the creche at the gym sometimes and so on. She genuinely seems to love it all. I think it may be harder when she gets a little older and ‘notices’ that i’m not there all the time, but I hope in the long-term it will encourage her independence. It take a village, and all that.
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Slightly off topic, but I’d love to see an article about women who do FIFO work and how they deal with it. There are plenty of us out there, but everything you read assumes that only men do this work!
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Kim I promise you it will be okay! I have been overseas for 3 weeks before and felt the exact same way. Chances like these only come up every once in a while, you must take it when it is on offer or you could miss out and the regret will haunt you forever.
My husband has an awesome job, I wish I could tell you exactly what he does but suffice to say he is currently sailing around the world on a luxury super yacht enjoying the most wonderful ports in the world. (That bastard! LOL) He will be away for over 6 months. Nothing new to our family as he used to be in the Navy, but this time it has been much easier surviving the absence. Skype is THE best thing in the world for families separated by oceans. My husband Skypes us every single day and you know what? My 6yo son is totally fine with it. He has adjusted remarkably well, especially considering he wasn’t around when my husband had his Navy postings. I’m not going to lie, the sad farewell at the airport is gut wrenching, the sick to the stomach feelings while sitting on the tarmac are horrendous, but once you are in the air you will feel much much better.
Go and enjoy your trip of a lifetime, your kids will be better off in the long run when you come home a happier person with words of wisdom for their own lives. Enjoy.
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Great question!
I don’t have kids but I travel for my business and hope to in the future when I have kids – I REALLY hope that I won’t have to give it all up until they’re 18!
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I missed my sisters wedding in Europe because I didn’t want to leave my 3 and 6 year old with their father for a week. I couldn’t get out of my head how I would feel if something happened to them, an accident or sudden illness, and I couldn’t be with them. They are a bit older now and my sister is due to have her second baby at the end of this year and I would really like to fly over and see her, I’m trying to psyche myself up for it. I’ll probably end up taking my youngest with me. I think if I do it once and it all goes ok I’ll be more confident about travelling more in the future. I think by mid-primary most kids would be ok for a few weeks as long as they are left with responsible carers, especially with things like Skype to help.
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It’s great that the children’s father will be there to look after them while your away. However, I remember my mother working too much while I was in my early teens and I feel that at that time it was when I needed her the most. Teenage years are difficult for girls if they are not able to share and talk with their mum. The primary years I feel are a lot easier. So enjoy your time away while you can!
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I could have written this myself. I own a business and travel regularly across the world. My ex husband uses it as a stick to beat me with as often as he can, as we share custody of our five year old. It makes me so angry – at the end of the day I have to earn a living and at least this way I’m providing a great role model for my son, as well as the flexibility to spend extra time with him when I’m at home. At conferences I often get asked who is looking after my son, and I fume inside because if I was a man, no one would even think to ask.
Working women will always have to make tough choices and put up with being judged. I think we just need to thicken our skins and have the courage to make the right decisions for OUR families.
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Hi Kim,
I have been in your dilemma many times. I love my work also and enjoy the mind expanding opportunities of applying my marketing knowledge in third world countries. I have done this for work and love it!…but the guilt has been unbearable. I have felt selfish and angry, also not knowing who to turn to for advice. I’ve often stretched myself too much, cramming ridiculous work into shorter weeks and ignoring the jetlag and excruciating tiredness on my return…and the kids didn’t even notice. In my absence, they go about their routines as normal. With Skype, you can be pretty much up to date with all, in fact, often you may find more communication via facebook, messaging or Skype if you have teenage kids than when you are back home. My advice, go for it. Expand your mind, show the excitement. Your children will learn from this and hopefully aim for fulfilling careers of their own from your example. In terms of the guilt…well, no matter how much I rationalise the benefits, I don’t think you can loose that…but you’ll live.
Best of luck on your assignment and enjoy it!
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My dad worked away from home, and he found anything more than 3 weeks to be a bit tough. BUT, he didn’t like his job, and it was just mum looking after me and my sister, and there was no skype in those days. AND it was regular – so if he was away for 6 weeks, he might only be home for 2 or 3 weeks before he had to leave again. So the situation was VERY different!
I’m appalled at the double standard you’re experiencing! Can’t believe it’s even an issue. It’s a one-off six week assignment? If it was dad running off overseas to work people would barely bat an eyelid. You go for it, and don’t feel guilty for a second! Of course you and your kids will miss each other like crazy, but that’s alright. They’ll be OK, and after chasing your dream job, you’ll be more than OK!
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You are doing your daughter a favour. When she grows up, she’ll know she has choices. My mother worked, had a career, travelled – it showed me that I can do the same. That’s a gift.
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My husband and I went on a three week holiday and left our 4 year old at home with grandparents.. We all lived…
My Dad told me how his parents went on a 9 MONTH holiday when he was in primary school and left him with an aunty and family. They all lived too!
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When I was a teeneager my mum went away for work for seven weeks. In that time my dad struggled with two kids. I was raped at a party and developed an eating disorder. To this day I haven’t told my parents as I don’t want them to feel guilty about it.
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I’m so sorry that happened to you and hope you did tell someone about it…. But do you really think that is helpful for her to hear when she’s already struggling with going away? Not meaning to offend x
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Hi 1st Anonymous,
Sorry to hear about your experience.
I do agree with 2nd Anonymous and hope you had some help to deal with that.
With regards to adding this to the post, my question is – would thing have been different if your Mum hadn’t been away for work?
Hope you’re well.
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I’m not sure things would have turned out differently, it might still have happened, it might not. My point was more that I needed my mum at that time and she wasn’t there for me. I have dealt with the rape, but when things get stressful in my life I still stop eating, its kind of become a default stress management thing that comes and goes.
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