UPDATE
Jamie Lynn Grumet who appeared on the cover of Time Magazine has appeared on NBC’s Today Show:
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This is causing a fuss.
In a surprise to no-one, this front cover of Time Magazine has gone viral and has sparked conversations around the world. Let’s dive in.
It’s certainly not something you see every day. Not publicly, anyway, The critics of the cover were swift and furious, calling the magazine ‘expoloitative and extreme’ in its portrayal of breastfeeding and mothers.
But the article is about more than just breastfeeding. It’s about a parenting style globally referred to as ‘attachment parenting‘. It is as it sounds: keep the baby with you constantly. Parent by the child’s side.
You could say it’s one of the more divisive parenting issues.
Here’s what attachment parenting advises:
- Keep babies and even young children in slings close to your body.
- Let babies and young children sleep in the parental bed.
- Breastfeed children for years, preferably, to increase bonding.
The article begins:
“Joanne Beauregard is nothing so much as she is a mother. When she and her husband had trouble conceiving, Joanne quit her job as an accountant to focus full time on getting pregnant. When she did, she chose to give birth at home, without pain medication. Then, for months, Beauregard sat on the couch in her Denver-area living room, nursing her infant from sunup to sundown. She nursed much of the night as well, since the baby slept in bed with Beauregard and her husband Daniel, a software engineer.”
We then switch focus to the mother on the front cover, Jamie Lynn Grumet and her son Aram.
“It’s really warm. It’s like embracing your mother, like a hug. You feel comforted, nurtured and really, really loved. I had so much self-confidence as a child, and I know it’s from that.”
Grumet said being able to breastfeed [her other son] Samuel after his adoption helped comfort him following the trauma he had faced.
“I didn’t realise how much it would help my attachment to him.
“When his English improved, because the connection was there, he didn’t do it as much.
Attachment parenting the term was first coined by Dr William Sears, the so-called father of the movement. He also forms part of the Time feature as the ‘man who remade motherhood’.
Time notes of the ‘mother guilt’ scenario:
“A third category includes mothers caught in the middle. These parents try to achieve Sears’ ideal of nursing, baby wearing and co-sleeping but fall short for some reason and find themselves immobilized by their seeming parental inadequacy. They suffer from what two New York City parenting consultants call “post-traumatic Sears disorder.”
It’s a hot topic, that’s for sure.
What do you think of the Time Magazine cover? How would you describe your parenting style?
Comments
337 Comments so far
I really don’t want to come across here as being cynical about the timing of this post. But it seems to me that it is coming very quickly after the post about the promotion of the e-book “The Gift of Sleep”.
I seem to recall there was quite a furore in the comments to that post regarding allowing your baby to cry itself to sleep brigade versus the attachment parenting brigade.
I received a very verbally aggressive response when I related my own ‘gentle baby sleeping’ process on that particular post but I was unable to reply as at that stage commenting was disabled and very soon after the post seemed to have disappeared.
I can’t help but wonder at the timing of these two posts. It’s like the mamamia team have decided to hit on this post to try and further discredit the attachment parenting brigade and generate a wank fest in comments.
Well I guess it’ll generate a lots of hits for the site and also as a flow on fringe benefit, further remind readers of the e-book, because the e-book is the first thing that come to my mind.
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Maybe a bit TOO cynical there! I emailed this to Mia this morning when I was putting Buzz together and thought it should be a post because it was so out there. It’s also completely all over every TV station, news website and blog today around the world. I wish we could exert that much control over the editorial cycle, but it is not so!
Mia’s segment on the Today show has been planned for a while now so it’s just unfortunate timing. And, interestingly, you’re the only person on this post to be reminding anyone of the eBook
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So Mia got Time Magazine to release a controversial cover to promote further sales of $20 e-book??? That’s one hell of a conspiracy. I suppose she also got the SMH, Washington Post, news.com etc to write their articles about this cover as well.
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So Mia got Time Magazine to release a controversial cover to promote further sales of $20 e-book???
No obviously not. What she has decided is out of all the articles in all the English Language magazines in the Western World she decided to run that particular article.
Just because the Times Magazine decided to run it didn’t mean that mamamia had to pick it up. Mia could have just read it and let it pass.
I doubt that too many people on this forum would read Time magazine. The people who would have actually held the magazine in their hand and read the whole article would be few and far between.
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You’re right, I don’t read Time, but I have seen this doing the rounds before here.
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I saw this photo and article about 10 times yesterday on Facebook. Each time someone shared it, it generated HEAPS of comments.
Then I saw it on Mamamia this morning.
It is obviously causing the internet to run hot- so of course Mamamia should be able to run with it as well instead of pretending nobody is talking about it
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As a first time mother, it was challenging enough learning how to breastfeed, and I was lucky enough to be able to do it, through months of pain and frustration due to undiagnosed nipple thrush. I persevered because I felt there was a huge onus on the to “do the right thing” by my child.
I consulted with three different lactation consultants, each of whom had their own opinion of what I should be doing, and what I was doing wrong. And not one of them diagnosed my nipple thrush, “push through the pain, you’ll toughen up” I was told. Meanwhile my husband watched as I cringed and cried, paralised with pain every time I breastfed my son.
There is just so much pressure out there to be a ‘good’ mother and do everything naturally, when it doesn’t come naturally. If a mother chooses to breastfeed her child for so long, I question for whose benefit that is.
And “Are you mom Enough?” Get real, that’s a cheap shot and offensive to all women out their doing their best to rear their children.
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I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as an AP parent, however I look at some of the criteria listed above and realise that I am still breastfeeding my 16 month old son (only once a day, because he has self-weaned from all his feeds apart from the first morning feed) I wore him in a sling until he was about nine months old and was just too bloody fat and heavy to carry any more, he slept in a bassinet beside our bed until he was about 11 months old (my son, my husband and I all found that sharing a bed really didn’t suit us). He has never really been in childcare or gone to babysitters – a vast majority of his time is with me, his dad, and very occasionally my mum.
So I guess the way our lifestyle works, we do live an AP life by accident, but I’m certainly not committed to the ideology of it. Slings were simply more convenient and comfortable than prams, and he also had plenty of time on the floor wriggling around. The room-sharing was a question of the layout of our house, and when we moved, he went really happily into his own room and actually stopped waking for a night feed because he wasn’t being woken and distracted when we came to bed. Generally, I have no hesitation leaving him with someone I trust – it’s more a case of having two kids and not really having any kind of social life that requires a babysitter!
I do find that on a lot of the “crunchy” parenting sites, that there seems to be an almost obsessive martyrdom in who can be the MOST attached. It’s like a point of pride for a mum to announce that her 18 month old is still almost fully breastfed, hardly eats any solids and has 12 breastfeeds a day, including waking up seven times a night to feed. It’s like a sign that you are a better mum than one whose 12 month old sleeps through the night and eats 3 solid meals a day plus a few breastfeeds.
There is also a big concern that the AP philosophy doesn’t encourage any kind of focus on developmental milestones. Mayim Bialik seems to be positively proud that her three year old barely talks, didn’t walk until he was about 18 months and seems to have missed many of his milestones because she is “letting him develop at his own pace”.
I think there is value in not worrying too greatly about whether your child walks on the exact recommended date, but to ignore a range of warning signs for a developmental delay is simply irresponsible.
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Your comment is very insightful.
Starting walking 18 months is totally normal. The range is very wide. This is not an example of a late milestone. Just saying.
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Not sure if that was the exact age, but just pointing out that it was pretty late from the couple of things I have read – both by Bialik and others.
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Her three year old barely talking is a worry though. I walked at 18 months, my daughter and granddaughter did as well.
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I would say her son’s development would be more related to their vegan diets than breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is probably the only thing keeping him slightly healthy.
Veganism (IMO) is FINE for adults who can make their own decisions, but for children it is extremely unhealthy and unfair.
Babies have died from B12 deficiency and that is no joke.
but anyways, I’m sort of the same as you, I just did attachment parenting because of my instincts and circumstances, and had no idea that it had a name or supporters or anything like that. I jsut thought it was instinctual.
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I always wondered about this.
I met a woman recently who is a vegan and had her 3 year old kid on a vegan diet too. We all went out to lunch and the only thing she could order for him (or herself) off the menu was a bowl of broccoli and some olives. It seemed wrong somehow… she said he had a really good diet and he looked very healthy and wasn’t complaining but I just wonder how a growing kid could possibly get enough calcium, iron and other necessary vitamins at such vital stages of growth.
I don’t know much about vegan diets or kids diets so would happily stand corrected, I did wonder though.
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A proper vegan diet is one of the healthiest around. It can be bloody difficult to eat out as a vegan though, so at that point you are often faced with poor choices.
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I believe B12 deficiency is a serious problem in babies with a vegan diet and they require supplements to develop normally.
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I’m not going to go on and on here (though, I could). I have two vegan children who have been vegan since birth. I have been vegan for the past 6 years, my husband has been vegan for 10 years. A well balanced vegan diet is more than sufficient and definitely more healthy than any other and if properly administered there shouldn’t be a B12 problem. As for your friend and the bowl of broccoli, it can be terribly difficult to find something vegan on the menu when eating out, so sometimes you just have to take what you can get and make sure that your food intake for the whole day is more balanced. I’m sure she doesn’t feed the child olives and broccoli for most meals and admire that she was choosing something healthy, my kids are often fed chips if we are out and there are no other options. However, I was not brought up vegan and I often only ate chips because I was a very fussy eater. I don’t want to come across as a vegan militant or anything – I respect everyone’s choices, I just wanted to clear up a common misconception about the vegan diet
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T- just as an aside… You’re children have been vegan since birth, so if they decided they want to eat foods outside a vegan diet, would you allow it? Or are you going to force your newly found (6 years) vegan ways on them? I’m not arguing… I’m genuinely curious.
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I am a big fan of William Sears and have used his books to inform my parenting and for reassurance when we have been going through rough patches. I like to think that we have done our version of ‘attachment parenting’ however, we have made it our version. I think it would be naive and unrealistic for any parent to religiously follow the parenting recommendations in any one book – after all, as the saying goes, your baby hasn’t read the books!
Having said that, I do not identify with the cover of Time – I feel it is meant to confront, provoke and sensationalise more than represent a true depiction of breastfeeding an older child. I’m all for genuine, thoughtful and considered discussion of parenting with well-informed and reasonable people, in fact so many of the best techniques and approaches I use with my children I have heard about from other mothers – people who have been there before me and have learned the lessons.
I haven’t read the story, and I have no intention of doing so. More than anything else, I hope that my parenting style is ‘loving my kids more than anything and doing the best I can.’
Actually, I think that’s the style of everyone I know, regardless of whether they breast-or-bottle feed, use slings or control cry…
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A current add for a brand of move on formulae has the line – “if you CHOOSE to move on from breastfeeding” – cracks me up every time – everyone has to move on sometime surely its not a choice eventually (maybe when they start high school).
When is that – who knows what works works – healthy happy kids is al that is important – as long as they don’t become healthy happy serial killers which is what we are all afraid of in these scenarios – is there any evidence around overly attached parents and risk of anti social behaviour – or does the evidence point more in the other direction.
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science points other direction.
According to all of my Early Childhood Development textbooks, strong attachment between care-giver and child is the best foundation for success in just about all areas.
they don’t outline HOW, and I don’t think the HOW is the most important part. I think the love and the responsiveness is.
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Some women go straight from BFing to ordinary milk at 12 mths or over. My SIL did & I used formula until then and moved on to ordinary full cream milk. I think (& hope) the ads are aimed at the under 12 mth kids.
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Arguing over who has the better ‘parenting’ style is no better than arguing over who is the better artist. You’re both creating something, but only patience and 30-odd years will reveal exactly what and I’d bet my house that kids from all parenting ‘factions’ will turn out to be great, lovely, terrible, awful, genius, not-so-genius and everything in between.
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Although Rick, don’t you agree that there is a place, as Mia suggests where “being judgmental” is appropriate? Some parenting styles *aren’t* OK, and suggesting that we should all “live and let live” leaves many kids in environments that do cause long term damage.
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Well, my statement comes with the obvious caveat of ‘do no intentional harm’. But show my a child and I’ll show you someone who has been harmed to some degree by their upbringing. I guess the goal is: don’t hurt them physically or emotionally to the best of your ability. The catch, of course, is: everyone disagrees on how to do this.
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LOL exactly!
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You are a wise man Mister Morton
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Genuine question: Could someone please explain to me why this is called ‘attachment parenting’ and not ‘attachment mothering’.
What role does the father play? How is the father able to bond with the child equally?
Freudian bells are ringing in my head.
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I assume ‘attachement parenting’ because father can participate in holding, sleeping, carrying just as much as mum. Of course father cannot fed but bub isn’t fed 24 hours a day.
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If the child shares the marriage bed, then the child sleeps with both mother and father, and if baby is worn in a sling this too can be done by either parent – in fact is works best if this can be shared (at least from my experience back in the mid 90s). I was unable to BF due to a medication that I can’t live without it was possible to pick which feeds we would give & hold, cuddle through the feed.
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The thing that gets me most about this cover is the text. I get why they did it (and it worked) – but as a Mum who has been through almost every struggle that new Mums face I find it unnecessary.
I follow my own rules when it comes to parenting. I don’t believe that anything that is prescribed by anyone else can trump my personal knowledge of my three children. I struggled enormously initially, but now that I have relaxed and do what feels right for me, right for my children and what we can manage as a family I am a much happier (and probably better) Mum. I am still breastfeeding my 18 month old…and am in no hurry to stop. But I don’t think that makes me a better Mum. That is what works for me and my busy family.
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I hate this. It’s the latest battle in the War on Parenting.
Enough.
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I agree. I’m finding this constant barage of “look at me….I’m a better parent than you” articles.
All they do is get people sniping at each other.
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“MAN who remade motherhood” doesn’t that say it all?
More pressure for poor young mums. There was a young mum on facebook, friend of a friend, who was seeking reassurance after giving up breastfeeding her 14 month old. It is NOT natural to feed children who are past about three. Back in the old days when women were unable to control their fertility, the arrival of the next baby put a natural end to the feeding of the baby before.
I am probably going to get tarred, feathered and run out of town for this, but if you are feeding a child who is as old as the child in this picture, then you are doing it for you, not for them and may be causing future problems.
It is the job of parents to help children grow, not keep them as overgrown infants to fulfill some need of their own.
Phew: I’ve been wanting to say that for about 20 years!
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Apparently the child is only 3yo, ie, not as old as he looks in the picture. Also it is a bit hard to judge a situation where a child is adopted unless you have done this yourself. It may be an excellent way to bond and build trust – as to whether that is helped by appearing on the front of Time magazine and turning your relationship with your child into a spectacle, that is another matter entirely.
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Appearing on the cover of time with your old-enough-to-be-teased child should encourage weaning!
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It is virtually impossible to continue to breastfeed a child who no longer wishes to breastfeed. Left to their own devices the majority of children self wean between eighteen months and four years. Mothers who are still feeding older children are usually following a practice called child led weaning and therefore the common argument that the mum is doing it for themselves, not the child, is a fallacy.
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“MAN who remade motherhood” doesn’t that say it all?
Actually Dr Sears is a pediatrician with 8 kids of his own and co-authors most of his books with his wife. His advice isn’t for everyone. But it’s definitely from very hands-on experience as a dad!
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Then why couldn’t he have concentrated on remaking fatherhood?
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OK, so I haven’t read ALL of Dr Sear’s stuff, but most recently I have read up on co-sleeping because, currently, that is what is working for me and my 2 month old. My mum is making me feel guilty as hell about it, so I looked to Dr Google for some reassurance. The stuff Dr Sears has done on it is SOOO interesting. To start with, he used his wife and children as study cases and then his work went from there. He say up night after night watching his wife and baby sleep and learning so much about the instinctive relationship between mother and baby. He notes that, in her sleep, a mother with move things to make baby more comfortable, adjust blankets, or even feed, without waking from her sleep. A baby, who is learning to regulate his breath, will often stop breathing for periods on his own, but sleeping next to his mother he will regulate his breathing as he feels her breath on him. Fascinating stuff, and the first time any doctor (male or female) cared to understand the relationship between parent and baby. So, I think he deserves some creds for his work!
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“It is NOT natural to feed children who are past about three…if you are feeding a child who is as old as the child in this picture, then you are doing it for you, not for them and may be causing future problems.”
Do you have ANY evidence for this statement? Or is it just based on your own prejudices?Because countless cultures throughout the world breastfeed well beyond our standard 6 months, in fact in terms of human history, breastfeeding for 6 months (or about 4 months which I think is the average in Western cultures) is by FAR the exception rather than the norm.
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My comment is based on my own (call them prejudices, if you want to) observations of parenthood, grandparenthood and the sneaking realisation that parenthood is now a battlefield and it is young mums who are suffering from this.
Breastfeeding, methods, pros and cons is a real minefield and everyone (even me) is entitled to their own opinions. I draw your attention to the comment of Bananna above and reiterate that it is the parents job to help the child grow and develop and that independence is the goal. This means different things in different cultures.
In my day it was Dr Hugh Jolly, before that it was Dr Spock (Benjamin, not Star Trek), there has also been Dr Chris Green. Dr Sears will also pass into history.
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I breastfed till my eldest was 2 1/2, but only cos I didn’t know another way to get him to sleep, and babysitting neighbours kid at their house thwarted weaning to bottle when he was about 12 months. I wasn’t feeding him during the day for the sake of it, was just not willing to do controlled crying and he is still a dreadful sleeper.
The second time around I didn’t want to get tied down and the tropics was too hot for all that cuddling a baby who was prone to sweat rashes as it was, and weaned at 4 months.
I understand breastfeeding isn’t for everyone, I guess I expect women should at least try those first weeks to breastfeed. I don’t think less of women who bottlefeed, just all that bottle washing and the smell of formula…I was glad to be able to just snuggle the baby at 2am and not have to go warm bottles.
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Immediately I saw the picture I thought of my BIL and my MIL.
Second thought….I’d like a glass of orange juice.
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I think breasts should only be for very young children and adult males to enjoy!
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And adult women!
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What about adult females?
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Everyone is different and those who don’t shouldn’t judge those who do, and vice versa.
Like Mia I’m not a fan of the “I do *insert parenting philosophy* so I’m a better parent than you” insinuations that some parents have.
It is hard not to be completely non-judgemental though, to be honest. I don’t smack, and on the inside (okay, sometimes on the outside), I get really mad at those that do, but they still might be good parents (I’m not convinced, but am leaving judgement aside as much as I can).
Yep, different folks, different strokes. Well put.
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The cover image is obviously designed to confront, and probably outrage. It is so outside of our social norms. I have not read the article, but I assume that the same old arguments will occur as a response, when really you should just parent the best you can in the way that works best for you. I breastfed my daughter for two years and am currently feeding my 20mo. I know a few people who have fed to the age of four or so, but sadly they have felt they have to keep it at home due to the reactions of others.
The ‘are you mom enough’ is an absolute crock, and just helps to alienate those that can’t or choose not to breastfeed. It’s a beat up headline designed to attract attention – any attention.
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I’m with Lisa.
Go for your life if attachment parenting works for you but the ‘smug’ school of parenting drives me bonkers.
Different strokes. Different folks.
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Yep – different strokes for different folks…if it works, fine, but don’t force it on EVERYONE…
What I do worry about is making such a public statement like that with your child…what’s going to happen to that poor kid when he gets to school and his mates discover that photo online in a few years…poor guy’s going to be bullied to the max!
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my husband’s cousin was breastfed till he was 4 or 5 or something and nearly 30 years on, it’s still a family joke
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Took the words out of my mouth.
I can’t stand parents who take a public, provocative stance involving their kids, where their kids are obviously not of an age to understand the consequences.
It’s a lot more about ‘look at me’ than considered parenting.
I don’t judge Jamie on her decision to prolong breast-feeding but I do judge her on her decision to throw her unconsenting child into the firing line via a very well circulated magazine.
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Just going to show that we assume what she’s doing will still be frowned upon and judged negatively then.
What abou an interesting discussion of the pros and cons of different ways of doing things – including the fact that children elicit different styles themselves – and that might actually be useful. Without the baseless opinionatedness (not you, John James, just in general)? How about suspending judgment until we have actual worthwhile evidence?
BTW – my daughter fed for longer than was socially acceptable and I ended up weaning her because I was tired of it and she wasn’t going to finally wean herself from the one little feed she had every bedtime. Not all long-term breast feeders are doing it to prove some point or for themselves. My daughter seems pretty average/normal/in traumatized so far…..
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You know I’m not being judgemental about the practice myself, but I think you’re being incredibly naive if you think that kid isn’t going to be teased about that photo in a couple of years time…
I’m not saying it’s good or right that he’s going to be teased…but I’m fairly confident that he will be…
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Yep, kid’s gonna get torn apart on the playground and fewer more sensitive areas to be teased than about your Mum.
‘Hey Aram, want some boobie juice?’
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And the opinions of bullies are good reasons to change your behaviour.
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He’s 3. I think you probably overestimate people’s memory for current affairs.
Also, he’s likely to go to a school with lots of similarly-parented kids, if his mum puts as much thought into his education as she has into his pre-school years, so I feel his future is relatively safe….
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I hope you’re right…
…but it’s Time Magazine, not a small local paper…that image will be online for a looooong time…
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But is attachment good for the children in the long term. I don’t have an answer just interested. My parents were very hands off and we all grew up to be resilient and independent. My concern with attachment is that it is all about the parents needs not necessarily the kids needs and development.
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My daughter fed late and has always been resilient and able to give and receive social support,
Just because independence is an aim for healthy older children and adults, doesn’t mean that comes about through having to be independent as a young child. It’s not a matter of practise, but having the personal resources for it. Many of which are provided by a secure infancy, however that is provided.
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