Jamie Lynn Grumet who appeared on the cover of Time Magazine has appeared on NBC’s Today Show:
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This is causing a fuss.
In a surprise to no-one, this front cover of Time Magazine has gone viral and has sparked conversations around the world. Let’s dive in.
It’s certainly not something you see every day. Not publicly, anyway, The critics of the cover were swift and furious, calling the magazine ‘expoloitative and extreme’ in its portrayal of breastfeeding and mothers.
But the article is about more than just breastfeeding. It’s about a parenting style globally referred to as ‘attachment parenting‘. It is as it sounds: keep the baby with you constantly. Parent by the child’s side.
You could say it’s one of the more divisive parenting issues.
Here’s what attachment parenting advises:
- Keep babies and even young children in slings close to your body.
- Let babies and young children sleep in the parental bed.
- Breastfeed children for years, preferably, to increase bonding.
The article begins:
“Joanne Beauregard is nothing so much as she is a mother. When she and her husband had trouble conceiving, Joanne quit her job as an accountant to focus full time on getting pregnant. When she did, she chose to give birth at home, without pain medication. Then, for months, Beauregard sat on the couch in her Denver-area living room, nursing her infant from sunup to sundown. She nursed much of the night as well, since the baby slept in bed with Beauregard and her husband Daniel, a software engineer.”
We then switch focus to the mother on the front cover, Jamie Lynn Grumet and her son Aram.
“It’s really warm. It’s like embracing your mother, like a hug. You feel comforted, nurtured and really, really loved. I had so much self-confidence as a child, and I know it’s from that.”
Grumet said being able to breastfeed [her other son] Samuel after his adoption helped comfort him following the trauma he had faced.
“I didn’t realise how much it would help my attachment to him.
“When his English improved, because the connection was there, he didn’t do it as much.
“But people have to realize this is biologically normal,” she told the magazine. “It’s not socially normal. The more people see it, the more it’ll become normal in our culture. That’s what I’m hoping. I want people to see it.”
Attachment parenting the term was first coined by Dr William Sears, the so-called father of the movement. He also forms part of the Time feature as the ‘man who remade motherhood’.
Time notes of the ‘mother guilt’ scenario:
“A third category includes mothers caught in the middle. These parents try to achieve Sears’ ideal of nursing, baby wearing and co-sleeping but fall short for some reason and find themselves immobilized by their seeming parental inadequacy. They suffer from what two New York City parenting consultants call “post-traumatic Sears disorder.”
It’s a hot topic, that’s for sure.
What do you think of the Time Magazine cover? How would you describe your parenting style?
Comments
337 Comments so far
I was delighted to read about Attachment Parenting and realised that I did it without even knowing it about ..!
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To each their own I guess, but I do object to the title. I am a parent who has struggled with breastfeeding: poor attachment, nipple shields, bleeding, dermatitis on the nipple, mastitis. I give my baby a bottle in private because I feel embarrassed feeding in front of other mums who can breastfeed. The implication of not being mother-enough to feed past 12 months is a little upsetting… Is it really a question of being sufficiently maternal? Ability to breastfeed aside, I think I’m a wonderful mum.
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Please hold your head up high, you have no reason to be embarassed and feed your baby in private. Screw what everyone else thinks. I, like you had the same struggles with feeding my first baby, and I did not enjoy the first few weeks at all, but with baby number two, I thought no way was I putting myself under same stress again, so when she didn’t attach after a first few trys in hospital, straight onto bottle, and she thrived and so did I! I don’t regret for a second what I did with baby no. 2. Breastfeeding always isn’t the wonderful thing it’s cracked up to be…..I know of many babies who have taken a long time to form an attachment to dad or another carer, if they are not fed expressed bottles and if a mother’s diet is poor, thats not good for bub and certainly in that case formula would for sure be a better choice. I’m sure you are a wonderful mum!
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To Meg and Bec, 95% of Norwegian women are still breastfeeding at 3 months, likewise mothers in many other countries where the advice is appropriate. When things don’t work in Norway, where such mothers are really in the minority, they say
Translated:
• To be a good mother is not the same as to be a breastfeeding mother
• To be a good mother has many various qualities than only to produce milk
• Parents without milk producing breasts can also give a baby love and warmth (amongst others, fathers)
The Norwegians advise new mothers to take their babies to bed at night and fall asleep with them there. This is a beautiful booklet put out by their health department http://www.helsedirektoratet.no/publikasjoner/hvordan-du-ammer-ditt-barn-hefte-is-2092/Publikasjoner/hvordan-du-ammer-ditt-barn.pdf
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Twisted…….sick……..disturbing…………and they say smacking is child abuse….christ how emotionally and mentally stable is a child going to be after being breastfed til age 3 or over…….ew ew ew
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Two of my children were breastfed to age 5 and one to age 4. It might be interesting to know that when asked they mostly described the taste of breastmilk as being like ‘chocolate’ or ‘ice-cream’. I’ve already said this below, but I asked the two older ones (16,14) if they remember breastfeeding and they don’t.
I’m shocked by what you’ve written. It seems a bit culturally trapped and inexperienced, and I am so tempted to disparage you. Breastfeeding to these ages was a non-event. Read how mothers feed their babies in other countries, and for how long. Here’s a piece from an anthropologist on this issue
http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html
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I find this image disturbing. Looking all sexy, skinny jeans and with a boy in military pants is just disgusting.
I’m neither pro nor against brestfeeding, my son was unable to brestfeed because he was 2 months premature and my milk never came in. However I did stop undressing in front of him at age 3 1/2. This was because we had always shared a bath together in winter months and on several occasions he started to get full blown erections when he looked at my uncovered breasts. That was a signal to me that this child had seen enough of is mothers uncovered body. For the childs sake this mother should consider what level of confusion this old be doing to his undeveloped mind.
I do pity him for having this image documented forever so other kids can poke fun of him when he is a volunerable teenager or young adult.
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Re. the last part: Oh, what nasty comments he’s going to get from other kids when he’s a teenager. Cringe!
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I am wondering if you had experienced the asexual mundanity of breastfeeding whether your view on this issue would’ve taken a less sexual angle.
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the heading is the problem. as per comments below, its just inciting mummy wars and stupid arguments. its just an interesting artilce about a type of parenting. simple, really no need for such “debate” just some interesting material for mums and dads to chew on, really.
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btw – looking at the screen grab from her interview, and the one of her on the cover you can totally see how much photoshopping was done on her face. Ugh – magazine editors and their computer editing make me very annoyed!
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As soon as I saw that image all I could think of was the Little Britain skit with Harvey the ‘bitty’ man who as an adult breastfeeds off both his mum and grandmother. Hilarious (creepy, and hilarious).
I personally had enough of bf my 2nd after 3 bouts of horrendous mastitis and being bitten by little fangs, so he was off the boob at 10 months (made it only to 7 with my older daughter before my supply just gave up the ghost). I possibly may have gone longer if I didn’t have those problems, but really whilst I think maybe 18 months might have been enough for me as I really did not like breasfeeding at all but if others want to extended BF their kids, go for it.
That said, just don’t expect my taxpayer funded dollars to contribute to psych treatment for those kids whose mums breastfeed their kids secretly till they are high schoolers, who I would be very surprised did not grow in to f**ked up adults.
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i’d love to hear what the little boy thinks. my 3 year old son wouldn’t hesitate to pipe up and tell everyone why he likes to breastfeed…that little boy didn’t really seem interested in the furore, which is interesting to me!
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Breastfeed your child as long as you see fit but is there really a need to put that pic on a magazine cover? Poor kid!
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I’ll admit that I haven’t invested a lot of energy into reading/debating this cover/article as I don’t think it gives a true picture of what “Attachment Parenting” is all about.
I am a Mum who has breastfeed both my children and I’m currently breastfeeding my 2.5 year old daughter. I DID NOT think I would be breastfeeding a toddler. For that reason I do understand why people feel uncomfortable about seeing an image like this. I will say that when you ARE that mother (a mother who breastfeeds past what society deems appropriate/acceptable) it is impossible to view the comfort you give via feeding as weird/gross/unusual. Our children grow from a newborn, to an infant, to a toddler, to a child and if you are like me, those months and years have just drifted together, until one day you realise that your child is that age that people “tsk, tsk” over. But to me, my daughter is just a child, not an “age”. I am not forcing her to feed (her demands for “boobies please” are coming only from her needs/wants
) but simply respecting an area of her life that brings her much comfort and love.
)
I’m not promoting my blog but if anyone wishes to read a little more about how the hell I ended up feeding a toddler, when it was never my plan, you can take a squiz here (Toddler breastfeeding photos attached. Athough we are both sitting down…if that helps
http://westoodtogether-ambz.blogspot.com.au/search/label/breastfeeding
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another canberra mum!
you don’t feed standing in your skinny jeans and manolos? tsk!
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Sadly, no. Kinda wish I looked that hot whilst breastfeeding though
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that’s actually what i thought when i first saw the picture, “if she looked as harried as the REST of us mums, there would be waaay more backlash” lol. though i don’t mean to be prejudice
also, though i didn’t say it before, i really really understand the way you say your child just aged, as they do, and kept right on feeding. they don’t turn in to children overnight. it’s such a seamless and natural thing (though i might add both my kids emphatically weaned themselves at 11 and 8 months, to my regret…so i can’t really know what you’re feeling)
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Beautifully explained. Your true words made me choke up
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Can I point out this child is THREE not 8! WHO guidelines are to BF for at least 2 years to maximize immunity. Had I not been working I would have kept up a feed a day after my child turned 2 but it got too hard. The staging of the photo makes the child appear older.
And to all the comments that BF is only until kids can feed themselves – many many people and cultures around the world would disagree.
Oh and yes changing a nappy in public is gross!!!
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I really hate articles like these (the Time one, not Mamamia!). I understand they’re meant to promote discussion, & that’s fine, but really all they do is re-affirm labelling, which I never noticed was so prevalent until I became a mother.
And I love Lisa Wilkinson’s tweet above: what exactly does “are you mum enough?” imply? That you’re not a good enough mum if you don’t breastfeed until your child is in kindergarten? How ridiculous. Just the media sparking the mummy wars yet again. To each their own, & you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone!
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I breast fed my kids for about three months each and then stopped because I went back to work. I was glad to stop, I always hated breast feeding. I found it boring, messy and a bit degrading. Just didn’t like it.
Guess what, I now have one healthy, successful grown-up son and two healthy, fit, smart teenagers, one of whom is a national-level athlete.
Uh, hello? What is all the angst about? Kids grow up. Believe me, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the breast feeding I did or didn’t do twenty odd years ago. And neither do my kids. Let’s just get some perspective.
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Love it EvilMum! And love the “Evil Mum” tag
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Here is a link to more images from the article taken from inside the Time magazine.
http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/time-magazine-shocking-breastfeeding-photos
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As a non-mother I don’t have a strong opinion either way.
I am curious, though. Many people have mentioned that an aversion to breastfeeding older children is socially ingrained (and therefore invalid). Has there ever been research done as to why this is? Surely if it were once upon a time perfectly normal, there would have been some catalyst for this change of heart, where people started thinking it was strange. Are there different cultures in which breastfeeding older children is the norm?
Like I said, I’m not passionate either way (although I will admit I find the Time image a bit off-putting) I’m genuinely curious. As someone who has.almost never been around mothers, let alone breastfeeding mothers, and who tends not to take an interest in the parenting posts on MM, I’ve never even considered or discussed the age at which it is appropriate to stop breastfeeding. Yet apparently without external influence, my gut reaction to that image was discomfort.
Obviously that’s subjective, but I’m not totally convinced my discomfort stems from anything other than my own instinct. But if your instinctual response is different, that’s okay.
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One of the reasons I have heard suggested is the development of infant formula, coupled with over-confidence in science. Now, speaking as a science graduate… it’s amazing how often something ‘scientific’ is unthinkingly accepted as unquestionably best – while in reality, science is all about questioning, and sometimes discovering that we can’t improve on nature. So companies talk about ‘scientifically developed infant formula’, and some people will be willing to accept that this means ‘better’. Actually, a substantial body of research would suggest that while infant formula has come a long way, and is much better than it used to be, it is highly unlikely to ever rival breastmilk. Without including antibodies to diseases currently in the community (as breastmilk generally does – at least, those mum/bub have been exposed to), how could it?
Another contributor is feminism / returning to the workplace. Now, this is not a bad thing, and it is entirely possible to combine BFing and work (expressing is usually involved, but not necessarily). But it can be complicated, and therefore seem simpler to believe that BFing cannot be combined with economically necessary work, or will simply be more difficult than it’s worth.
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I’d have actually thought it (as in the gut reaction Shannon talks about) was more that kids apparently self wean from about 18 months so it feels unnatural because it kind of is. I don’t think it’s to do with blind following of science!
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And historically women had more kids, closer together. If a 17-month-old had a new-born sibling, wouldn’t the new-born get first dibs on the breasts? Never mind older kids of 3 or 4.
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Pfft, they were at work at the mines or up chimneys anyway!
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Neither of my kids got the self-weaning memo. I had to forcibly wean them both at 2.5yo and this was more because I was sick of it rather than because I saw anything wrong with continuing feeding them. I returned to work when they were babies and think the breastfeeding was great for maintaining that close bond and also for protecting them against some of the bugs they are exposed to all the time at daycare.
Anyway, my problem with the article is not with the stance it is taking but with the fact that it is trying to sensationalise what is essentially a private matter and to incite what the Americans called the “mommy wars”. It seems from the comments on this and other websites that it has been more than successful in achieving this aim.
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I thought I saw somewhere between 18 months and 4 years, so maybe it was coming!
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Possibly – although mine weren’t showing any signs of it at that stage and I had had more than enough after 5 years (between the two of them).
Incidentally, I never intended to be an extended breastfeeder. I got involved in my local ABA group when I had trouble establishing feeding with my first child. The women there were great and there were quite a few of them feeding older children. I think it is actually more common than most people realise. It is just that those who do do it tend to do it in secret as it is not socially accepted.
Anyway, after having so much trouble establishing feeding and then meeting all these completely normal and sensible women who were breastfeeding older children, I just really didn’t see the point of stopping just because of silly pronouncements like “If they’re old enough to ask, then they shouldn’t be having it”. Do we apply this logic to anything else in life?
Also I have to say that toddler breastfeeding is great for keeping weight off – I really stacked on the kilograms with every feed I dropped!
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Likewise to Catriona none of my children got the ‘self-weaning’ gene, or they would’ve been off. I decided that it all had to stop on their 5th birthdays because that was when I was told I had to stop sucking my thumb – they could suffer what I suffered. Ps neither of them sucked their thumbs or had dummies. Anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler suggested that the age might be around 6 based on primate behaviour, immune competance, eruption of permanent molars and various other indicators.
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I have to admit I scratch my head at people who are militant breast feeders, but once the baby is on to solids start pumping them full of sugar, fat, over processed food and softdrink. And by the time the child is 3-4 they love McDonalds and think tinned spaghetti and fish fingers are an awesome dinner. Practice what you preach for the long term or just BE QUIET!!! (And in terms of the actual article, breastfeed your kids as long as you like as long as you are concerned with healthy food across the board. Otherwise, surely all the goodness from breast milk is negated?)
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And who are these people, AMD? Are you actually aware of studies that show that women who breastfeed are more likely to feed their children rubbish? I would have thought the opposite actually, ie, most of the extended breastfeeders I know do it largely for the health benefits and are probably less likely to patronise places like McDonalds.
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There is no way i would but If you want to breast feed your child until they are 12 good on you (I mostly pity the poor future girlfriend). BUT dont put your child through a photo shoot where you stand in a semi aggressive stance with your poor son hanging off your boob… cause im pretty sure this isn’t how he enjoys his usual morning tea.
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Why would you pity the girlfriend? She’ll have a stable boyfriend. Judging by my own children I think the 3 year old would’ve been completely disinterested in the photo shoot and delighted to have access to the breastmilk (which tastes like chocolate/ice-cream by my children’s reports) with great delight. Next child, try it yourself, find some reality.
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I breast fed both of my boys: it was right for me, and I won’t back this up by the length of time they were breast fed. But I’m sick and tired of the debate re. breast is best. It doesn’t support any of the mums out there who either can’t, or simply don’t want to, breast feed. Come on everyone, it’s up to us to make a choice about feeding our babies. My first son had lots and lots of health issues in his first year of life, despite my feeding him. It wasn’t until he was established on solids that he really gained full health.
I certainly don’t judge any mum who bottle feeds – I just think we should all stop judging each other for our choices.
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I BF my son until he was 2 1/2 years old, i cried when he said no more. YES he SAID no more. I loved BF, my daughter was nearly 2 when she stopped. Whilst pregnant I never bought a bottle or even thought of doing anything but breastfeeding. Both kids were about 5 months old before i introduced water or any solids. Im very pro breastfeeding but each to their own! I probably would have BF my son until a bout 3yrs maybe 3 1/2 but yeah, wouldn’t have done it in public or on the cover of a magazine. My mother was BF until she was 4 yrs old, not bad for 1940!
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What is great about this TIME cover is that it gets people thinking about breastfeeding beyond what society ‘thinks’ is acceptable and challenges that, most people’s awkwardness with breastfeeding toddlers inparticular are purely cultural and most people are very very misinformed about the benefits beyond 12months – also they are conditioned by the previous generation who were never even encouraged to breastfeed and have very limited understanding about it….i breastfed my daughter until she was 2 never thought i would do that before i had a baby i was never in a rush to make her ‘independent’ which is the large push by most western methods which also does not correspond with baby development, what i did was take the responsibility to educate and inform myself breastfeeding is JUST not about food, its about comfort, connection, bonding and for a toddler that still does not have all its emotional capabilities developed its a great way to help them….its never about the mother – another bloody myth…so I suggest for those skeptics go out and read The Baby Book by Dr William Sears which the photo & story is about – celebrating the publishing of his book 20 years ago it just might make you think differently about babies, co-sleeping, and the wonderful benefits these very instinctive ways develop our young….he had 8 kids and has seen the countless benefits of well attached children and also the very negative effects of ‘victorian’ parenting techniques including CIO, scheduled feeding, sleep training and basically very detached ideas about babies and young children – whatever your style of parenting at least in 2012 know the difference because antiquated ideas still prevail and often to the detriment of our children in the long term.
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Parents should be able to adhere to any form of “ideology” or “method” which suits them (as long as it is not harming the child) and it really is no-one’s business other than their own. What concerns me, however, is that your comment is implying that anyone who use “antiquated” ideas such as CIO, scheduled feeding, sleep training and to quote you “basically very detached ideas about babies and young children” are somehow harming their children in the long term. I know there are studies which purport these methods cause harm, however, for every study there are just as many reputable ones which show otherwise. Added to this is the commonsense and anecdotal evidence of nearly every mother who has used some of these methods: that is their baby and child have shown no long term negative effects at all. Any “ideology” or “method” I loosely followed was just about getting through, and more specifically getting through with as much sleep as possible. Some attachment parenting methods worked well for me in the early months, when co-sleeping and using a sling was the only practical way of ensuring I got some sleep and was not tied to the house. However as my babies got older these methods were not practical for my family, I found carrying a baby in a sling and feeding constantly tiring and restricting and I could never sleep deeply with a baby in the bed. Getting my babies into a flexible routine and encouraging them to sleep through the night was the right thing for me and my family because quite simply it was the only way to ensure I got enough decent sleep at night and had some structure and freedom during the day. (My children and particulary my husband are most at risk when I’m chronically tired!!) Obviously this wouldn’t work for all families and I have never tried to impose my ideas on anyone else. I’m too old, haggard, cynical and most of all experienced to take any notice of opinions such as yours – however – I know when I was a first time mother I would have been extremely vulnerable to being called a “detached” mother and this guilt along with sleep deprivation, is I believe far more damaging to new mothers and their babies than a little bit of sleep training etc
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Curious how AP is advocated because it’s natural and traditional and practised by traditional societies, but anything they disagree with is antiquated.
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To Rudge, In 2003 I was told by the Victorian Parenting Centre that there was ‘overwhelming evidence’ that controlled crying created ‘no harm’. This information went against every sense of my being but I looked for the evidence to see it for myself. After two months of searching through the science databases I had found NO STUDIES showing this. I wrote back to the VPC and asked for the ‘overwhelming evidence’. I was sent back a dossier of two studies. One was irrelevant as it didn’t assess harm. The other was of a tiny study of differently aged children in New Zealand that misreported its findings and on closer analysis demonstrated considerable questionaire learning in the control group, and all the suggestions were that controlled crying was not a good thing. I wrote back to the VPC with this analysis, they referred me to a Professor in Queensland who was in charge of these sorts of statements and he acknowledged the absence of evidence of ‘no harm’, but he didn’t care and was going to proceed with the advice anyway.
If you say ‘there are just as many reputable ones [studies] which show otherwise’ I would like to see these studies, or I would like to meet the person who gave you that advice.
In subsequent investigations in various other topics of science I have noticed that when someone uses the phrase ‘overwhelming evidence’ it is usually little more than a power statement to repress further inquiry. Seek the ‘overwhelming evidence’.
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avery big like for your comment
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I breastfed my oldest to age 9 months, my next was born when he was 13 months and IZ fed her to age 22 months and the youngest to 4 3/4 years. They are only 3/34 years apart from odlest to youngest. They are very healthy and have never had any illnesses really apart from colds and one had an ear infection and mild bronchitis. I was lucky to be able to stay at home with them until youngest was over 4, apart from a short stint of part time work. It was a wonderful experience but the first one was the hardest so my advice is to persevere with it. The other two were easy, though weaning youngest was not. In some cultures apparently they might breastfeed to age 7, so my 4 3/4 years is not unusual. Only a night feed by then wasn was working part time by then.
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Sorry, haven’t read many posts, but my experience is:
My daughter got chicken pox when my son was two weeks old. He didn’t get chicken pox. I put this down to Breastfeeding and the immunity that it provides.
However, I think that every mother must do what she thinks is right for herself and her family. Breast fed/ Bottle fed equals fed! Although I still believe that if you can, you should breastfeed for as long as you can.
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They’re born with some virus protection from you. It lasts about 6 weeks.
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Thank you. I agree. However, although I am a firm advocate of breastfeeding, I think that once a child knows how to drink from a cup, breastfeeding should cease. I gave my kids toddler formula in a cup after 10-12 months (different kids, different needs!!)
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Am I mom enough? I sure hope so!!
My daughter weaned herself at 13 months, I couldn’t have kept her feeding if I forced her to. And who would want to fight their baby over feeding anyway.
I try to parent in a way that gives my daughter space when she needs it, yet I’m always around when she needs me, and I shower her with cuddles and ‘I love you’s when I can. That was the one thing I missed from my upbringing. The rest is fluff to me.
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We were all breast fed…our mother was very lucky, it was an easy process for her. We were all weaned by 12 months, as soon as our teeth started to come through….I recall mum yelping when my younger brother bit her and she said, “time to wean you, young man” it made sense to me.
My SIL was seriously pressured by the nurses to bf, she had several months of hell before calling it quits. She said the bf attempts ruined those first few months together.
Do what’s right for you and challenge any nurse or anyone else who
pressures you. I think many women are sick of being told what to do and being judged if they decline.
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I know this isn’t cool, but I’m going to say it anyway – I think the benefits of breastfeeding have been exaggerated!! What do I base that on -initially my own observations. While I breastfed / am breastfeeding all my kids (funny how we all feel the need to tell the world we bf!) I can honestly say I have not noticed any differences between the health of my own kids and those of relatives and friends who have been bottle fed. In addition to that in my own family (6 kids) I was the only one who was breastfed – I am certainly no smarter or healthier or closer to my mum than any of my siblings ( I am the only one with a weight problem but I’m sure that’s nothing to do with the way I was fed – altho bf advocates claim bf does reduce the risk of obesity??) – It would be absolutely impossible for anyone, even a medical expert, to determine which of us were breastfed now we were adults and I believe even when we were children. Anyway I know my anecdotes don’t prove anything so based on my gut feeling I have found many studies which support the fact that the benefits are greatly exaggerated and no they’re not sponsored by formula companies! ( just google it there are too many to list) Ie there is a strong argument that higher IQ levels and even better health as infants among bf babies is more to do with the fact that mothers of higher socio- economic backgrounds are more likely to bf. I’m just sick of the pressure to breastfeed – I can’t believe the effort so many women go to (I was one of them) to pump for hours, nurse through excrutiating pain, consult lactation advisors etc – do anything rather than give their babies formula! Yet now that 2 of my kids are older they certainly don’t eat a perfect diet all the time and I’m not in tears about it. What is it about breastfeeding that makes mothers, like myself, so vulnerable? Another question I have if breastfeeding is “liquid gold” and able to prevent so many diseases – why in the olden days did so many infants die (when breastfeeding was the only way to feed?) Shouldn’t breastmilk have protected them from diseases? Anyway off I go to BF my youngest – despite everything I’ve just written “breast is best” is so entrenched I’ll continue to feed for as long as I can!
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I agree, for those of us in First World countries I believe the benefits have been over sold – and I successfully breastfed.
Looking at my breast fed kids vs friends kids who couldn’t breast feed, 12-15 years on I cannot see any discernable difference. No one can tell who was breast fed vs those who weren’t.
It scares me that the pressure to breastfeed is now so strong that is now more politically correct to let your baby go hungry, if breastfeeding isn’t working for you rather than accepting there is a good nutritional back stop available, for those that need help. There is more to bringing up babies than breast feeding alone.
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These comments about breastfeeding being overhyped upset me, as a student midwife. We pass on this information about the benefits of breastfeeding because its PROVEN. Please don’t go to google for your information.
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When you really take the time to look at the detail of the studies (google is a legitimate way of accessing studies which can also be found in medical journals / newspapers etc) the most that has actually been PROVEN about breastfeeding is that it provides some immunity, particularly in the first 2 months. What has definitely not been PROVEN is that it increases IQ or makes any significant difference to the long term health of the child.
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When my sis had her first bub, she was sooooo stressed about breast feeding, and it just wasn’t happening for her & her little one. Poor little bugger was hungry and crying and sis was stressed, even more sleep deprived than a regular sleep deprived mother and was really struggling with feelings of self worth. She told me she really wanted to breast feed because everyone kept telliing her how she had to and because she felt she’d be doing the wrong thing by her bub if she didn’t.
I was heartbroken to hear that my once confident sister was being swayed by what other people thought and pressured her to do! I gave her my opinion (no, I’m not a mother yet) and it went like this.
You do whaty works for YOU and YOUR child. No one knows him better that you do, and right now, he doesn’t want anyone to help him out more than he wants YOU to help him out. TRUST yourself. He will be FINE! She gave him the bottle and let him co-sleep with them for the first few months, and he was and IS fine, a perfectly healthy, happy, enquisitive little boy. And she has taken back control of her thoughts and does just what she feels is right – they are doing great together now.
I’m so glad she listened and took my advice to heart – I’m not a mum yet, and there’s a lot I don’t know, but I know that situation was not working for them – it wasn’t right. And there had to be a better way!
I just hope that when my own little one arrives shortly, that I have someone to remind me of what’s really important when I’m going through struggles of my own
It’s a tough job, so cudos to everyone for getting through it the way they know how.
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Somewhere in Africa, more than a million years ago, a line of apes began to rear their young differently than their Great Ape ancestors. From this new form of care came new ways of engaging and understanding each other. How such singular human capacities evolved, and how they have kept us alive for thousands of generations, is the mystery revealed in this bold and wide-ranging new vision of human emotional evolution.
If the young were to survive in a world of scarce food, they needed to be cared for, not only by their mothers but also by siblings, aunts, fathers, friends—and, with any luck, grandmothers. Out of this complicated and contingent form of childrearing, Sarah Blaffer Hrdy argues, came the human capacity for understanding others. Mothers and others teach us who will care, and who will not.
http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674060326
Sarah Hrdy: Well he (John Bowlby, psychiatrist who argued for the importance of attachment theory) made a mistake, he used as his primate models orang-utans, chimpanzees, baboons and macaques and it just happens that those are each one, all of them exclusive caretaking species where the mother never allows anyone else to take her baby. About half the primates out there share care, not necessarily cooperative breeding with provisioning but they’ll allow others to hold their infants; and about half don’t. But Bowlby, and in fact indeed most psychologists, assume that all primates are exclusive care taking species. He had a bias that he didn’t realise he had.
http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/it-takes-a-village-the-evolution-of-human-nature/3061794
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Great to read thank you
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I’ve always found breastfeeding beyond say18months abs tops very odd, and a little ‘off’ – to me, if a child can walk, talk and ask for the breast, it’s time to move on. But that’s just me – each to their own. Although I have my own opinions on this issue, I really enjoy hearing others’ perspectives.
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I think this is a very commonly held view, and I never really questioned it until I had my own child. Now I have thought about it some more, I realise it makes no sense. Why should my daughter, who walked “early” at 10 months, be any less deserving of breastmilk than another baby who isn’t walking yet? She can “ask” for it too, through using babysign (and umm… grizzling!), but I don’t think this is odd at all (in fact it makes things easier because I don’t have to guess when to feed her!).
(guest I’m not expecting you to answer this, but your comment just prompted me.)
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I hadto stop reading the comments because I wS getting a bit upset, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating something here.
Myhusband and i use some attachment parenting principles. We carry our babies, breastfeed until they wean (my daughter ws almost 2, m son isonly 10 months but i am aiming for at least the same a,ount of time) and we co sleep when nessecary. Why is this so bad? Our kidsare happy, we’re happy… And if,y son is still bfing at 3 I’ll be fine with it! Why should we feel sorry for this little boy? In ten years time are his ,ates really going to go looking for old time magazine covers? And if they do, why is is so bad to be breatfeeding? Should i be worried that the photos we have of my kids on the bath are going to cause them shame? I know that they’re not in the public sphere but I have photos of me as a nudey when i was 3 or 4 and it’s never bothered me.
I am really sad that feeding an older child in public place is such a big deal.
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“In ten years time are his ,ates really going to go looking for old time magazine covers?”
Yes. I still remember being a teenager. If an embarrassing photo of a classmate were on the internet kids would have tracked it down.
“Should i be worried that the photos we have of my kids on the bath are going to cause them shame? I know that they’re not in the public sphere but I have photos of me as a nudey when i was 3 or 4 and it’s never bothered me.”
A naked photo in the bath is not the same as a standing up breastfeeding photo. Are your pictures within easy access for taunting classmates on the web?
I don’t know what I think of how long you should breastfeed, but I do know I feel that to put your kid on the cover of time in such a pose is a violation of your child’s right to dignity and privacy.
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I say to all the mums out there, if your ‘parenting style’ includes giving your children plenty of love, affection, security and nourishment the best way you know how then a very happy Mother’s Day to you! xx
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Isn’t this just another attempt at dividing mothers? Why do we keep buying into it? Parenting is individual, just as children are. I breastfed till my son was 9 months old, then he weaned himself. I would’ve like to continue a little longer, but I wasn’t about to force him (imagine the issues later on!!).
I also hate the title of the article, and I think it is very interesting that the mag has obviously gone for a very attractive, slim mother for their cover shot. Wonder if the response would’ve been any different if she didn’t look like a model?
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The whole how-long-to-BF thing really doesn’t bother me one way or the other, but that description of “attachment parenting” does!!!
Actually baby “attachment” is a widely used child psychologist term, and it is a much more general concept or measurement of a child’s trust in it’s primary caregiver. It’s measured by how a child reacts in the company of it’s primary caregiver (safely exploring a new room with mum near by, for e.g.) and how an infant responds when primary caregiver leaves and comes back (how badly they freak out when Mum leaves room, with stranger present, whether bub heads for Mum when Mum returns).
As I said it’s about an infant trusting it’s caregiver. NOT specifically about slings/cosleeping/extended breastfeeding, or how that trust is achieved. Seems like Sears has hijacked it to take on a new (stupid) meaning and give Mum’s a stick to beat themselves with.
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Good point Seahorse.
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I’ve seen many many AP’s and not many but some of those are attached physically but not mentally/emotionally. Sometimes the child really wants to have some alone time but their parent is insecurely attached to them. They are either very annoyed by this or tend to ignore their parents. Just strapping on your child then going about being an independent adult is not true attachment parenting. It’s only when you are ‘in sync’ with this new human and get to know them as individuals that you know who the heck you’re attaching to! It’s another case of media educating the masses… the truth isn’t explained properly as everyone is too busy playing the emotional driven stuff sells game. For goodness sake just get to know your children! Regardless of what you want… what do THEY want! It’s their childhood, you’ve had yours!
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My thought has always been: ‘if you wear shoes and/or can ask for it, you’re too old to be breast fed’.
But each to their own. I really don’t care!
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That’s the same mantra of the long term breast feeders,
“if they can ask for it, why don’t you say yes and keep bfing them”
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But obviously you do care, enough to make a judgement like that. I’m not trying to be argumentative but it does feel a little weird that people say “each to their own” after making a call like that. I just don’t think it’s very supportive of other women.
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It’s kinda funny… but I weaned myself around about the same time I self-potty trained and started talking – although a lot of that was sign language. I made my own very comprehensive baby sign language. It still amazes my mother to this day, and I’m 25… for example, when I wanted a drink, I would bring my mother a particular book that had a picture of a bear being given a drink in a cup by a human and point to the picture.
All of this – 6-8 months.
I’m have a very high IQ, and a BRILLIANT immune system (actually far better than my two siblings who were breastfed longer than I was). I do have some digestive system issues, but whether that is related to how long I was breastfed is debatable.
I mean, I might be a special case…
I do find it very very interesting that my 2.5 year old niece (who was weaned at about 13 months) is absolutely OBSESSED with boobies now. I wonder how much of that older kids asking for boobies is related to something like that.
No matter what, I think Sigmund Freud would have a fair bit to say about the Time article, the picture and the comments here!
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I think the headline is unfortunate. Time are obviously trying to incite the ‘mummy wars’ to sell more mags and sadly I suspect they’ll succeed.
In regards to attachment parenting (my kids were both in their own rooms by 6 weeks cause i couldn’t sleep with them in the same room let alone the same bed) and extended breastfeeding, it’s not for everyone but for those who do it good on them.
I’m saddened by some of the comments here about how ‘weird’ the photo is. It might be socially unusual but from a biological perspective it’s totally normal. Based on the age other mammals wean and their life expectancy human children could be breastfeeding til about age 7. This makes sense when you consider this is about when kids tend to lose their baby teeth (aka milk teeth).
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In 2006, my partner and I were watching the 60 minutes segment ‘Being there: attached parents’ when I saw a Mother still breastfeeding her children past age 4. I think one of the kids was 7yo? I made a comment that once kids have teeth BF should stop. My own mother then said, ‘I breastfed you until you were almost 5.’ I was so repulsed by this, I refused to breastfeed my firstborn because I didn’t want an attached child past age 2. A formula baby, our son is rarely ill, sociable and athletic. This nonsense it brings parent and child closer together is crap! Currently, my mother and I are estranged. Before this, we were never close. Is it nutritional? Of course. Is it good mental health for the child? In cases like mine, obviously not. Didn’t this mother consider her child’s name would be googled by his fellow peers? At age 10 onwards this kind of controversy could see him homeschooled.
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He is already homeschooled. His mother definately took that into conderation before deciding to be in the article.
I am confused that you refused to breastfeed your firstborn because you didn’t want an attched child past age 2… do you mean you refused to breastfeed from day 1? Or after age 2?
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I refused to breastfeed from day one. Our son went into NICU and had already been given formula. Other than my mother’s own words, the hospital midwives had conflicting methods of BF, I also had to return working fulltime and the fact I was sexually assaulted as a child. Remembering the latter, holding my babe to my breast, made me freeze. Breastfeeding is great, I know that, but it’s not for everyone. Like me.
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Very sad to read that you were assaulted as a child. I wonder if that has more to do with your estrangement issues, feeling unsupported/left vulnerable, than with being BF for 5 years!!
Just saying! Nothing is ever quite black & white, always murky grey!
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Ok, here’s what I don’t understand. It’s really great if people want to bf for as long as they can or whenever suits…but why the need to bang on about it?
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Because it is not considered acceptable in society.
I have friends who once their child was 6 months had pressure from SO many people to stop breastfeeding. Ones mother even said “Oh you will be bottle feeding now won’t you? Well you will have to, you cant go to Uncle Bobs and breastfeed, he wouldn’t be comfortable with that”
UMN- why do we care if Uncle Bob is uncomfortable? Can not Uncle Bob look somewhere else??
And I hear it over and over again in my birth group that the women were made to feel ashamed of breastfeeding once the baby was around 6 months.
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spot on inkabinka
uncle bob should go out to his shed and think about the brainwashing he , and society in general,
has been subjected to
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Uncle Bob might be uncomfortable, because he doesn’t want to see his nieces breasts. Fair enough, just go to the bathroom or a bedroom if he’s uncomfortable with watching. It’s simple manners.
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Breasts are for feeding children first. That’s their primary purpose. Hard to remember in a society that turns them into a sex symbol. Uncle Bob should remember that.
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That is DISGRACEFUL! thank God none of my friends or family members would EVER say anything to me about my breastfeeding. My big, fat (13kgs) nine month old son is still breastfeeding (and eating solids) and showing no signs of wanting to give up anytime soon. I LOVE it too. It is beautiful. God help anyone who said anything to me!
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I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with being discreet about breast feeding around the older generation who are uncomfortable with it, that’s just called having good manners.
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PS My comment was in relation to your friends pressuring you to quit breastfeeding after 6 months. That is disgusting!
I couldn’t care less about the “Uncle Bobs” of the world
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i was prepared to BF until my monsters weaned themselves, but both gave the tit the flick at about 8 months,mind you , 4 years between them and they both were walking at 9 months and at about 14 mnths they could argue with me,
I feel no guilt for not pushing the BF agenda, obviously our kids were ready to take flight and they did. I feel sad for myself every now and then, but only because there are no more babies coming our way.
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Being a mum, there are so many strong view points on the pros and cons of certain aspects of pregnancy, birth and parenting….Breast vs bottle, co-sleeping/sleeping independently, immunisations or not…. And the stupid generalizations of how a child will develop based on these things. Well my son went into his own cot in his own room the very first night home from hospital, where I had an ‘elective c section’, I stopped breastfeeding him at 5 months, he has never been in a sling, is fully immunized, had the flu shot at 7 months and started daycare at 6 months. He is now 1yr old and is walking (well constantly running it seems!) , saying basic words and is the happiest, most delightful little boy around! So to any new mums out there…. Don’t read all the bull#*!~ that’s telling what is best for your baby, do what works for you! I went against a lot of the things people shout about and my baby is perfect! And my marriage is so wonderful…. Really, if you’re co-sleeping with your child for an extended period, what kind of relationship do you have with your partner? Anyway, enough with my rant, I’m off to get into bed with my hubby, with non-leaking boobs and with my baby down the hall sleeping soundly!
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Lib, you are my hero. Thank you.
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I showed the pic of this breast feeding mum to my teenage kids. This was after I viewed it and thought…well…ok, I admire an independent thinker, creativity, breakers-of-boundaries/barriers and archaic thinking, free spirits, left-of-centre’s, and so on and on.
My teens, boys and girls said, “What the @$#@! When that kid gets to kinder, it’ll start for the poor kid.” I can’t repeat the names that they feel this little boy may be called.
I’m curious…is this woman making a statement about how much of a self-admired modern rebel she is? There is a bit of an “aren’t I clever” look on her face.
Personally, I believe in each-to-their-own.
Whether ‘we’ like it or not, in our ‘modern’ society especially, other kids can be so cruel to one who has maybe innocently placed in a position, unawares of the consequences of another’s (i.e. adults/parents) public actions.
Another thought….this woman stated something quite profound and possibly indicative of satisfying her own personal insecurities or needs regarding her son……“I didn’t realise how much it would help my attachment to him.” Will she ever be able to let go and encourage independence in this young boy?
So many questions to ask, though I’m sure the answers will reveal themselves in the years to come.
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Wouldn’t you just be thrilled that the whole world has seen you breast feed at that age, in a few years time this boy will be a teenager, don’t tell me he won’ t cop a bit at school for this, what a selfish woman
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I guess I was an accidental attachment parenter, if there is such a thing.
My youngest son was a terrible sleeper from the second he was born and would only sleep curled up in my arms day and night. He also had a massive boob addiction and would have happily spent hours and hours every day attached to me. The down side was I had 2 other children to take care of and get to school etc, the younger one being not even 2 years old himself. There was at times more than a bit of resentment towards him on my part as I could not leave his side at any time as I was the only one who could settle him and stop him from crying and get him to sleep. At around 2 years I was able to gently and gradually wean him both from sleeping with me and from breastfeeding. My other kids did not have this need but for some reason he did. He is now a happy, well adjusted 5 year old, who separates from me just fine. Clever of Time to put such an emotive issue on their cover. I guess I wasn’t ‘mom enough’ but I’m cool with that, my kids and I are just fine.
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I have no problem with the cover photo of Time Magazine, but I don’t like the headline at all. I don’t know how I would describe my parenting style really. I’m just there, doing the best that I can at any given moment.
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That is exactly what we are all doing Free. Most of us undertake parenting with the best intentions in the world provided with the tools and experience we have. We are ALL Mumand Dad enough
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So what is the arbitrary age that would have everybody say “no that’s gross”?!?! As one comment said she was BFing her 3 1/2 year olds but not in public due to fear of reactions. There may well be people still BFing their 10yr old but would they be putting it out there? Not unless they wanted the wrath of strangers. A friend of mine (male) will still go in the bathroom to talk to his sister if she is in the shower, on the toilet or whatever. Does he advertise this. Ahhh no, because people will think he’s “a freak”. But as he said, she’s my sister, we had baths together, I’ve seen her naked thousands of times. He doesn’t see her in a sexual way at all. But, again, what’s the arbitrary age that you shouldn’t see a sibling naked?
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Aside from the incredibly inflammatory title, for which Time should be ashamed, I find myself wondering whether this cover wasn’t a selfish act by a mother trying to make a statement.
Broadcasting her beliefs and parenting style to the world is her decision, but did she explain the concept to this little boy so that he could make an informed decision about appearing on such a controversial cover that would be published worldwide?
Whatever your reaction to the attachment parenting style, you cannot deny that the fallout from the cover will affect this boy in ways he wasn’t prepared for.
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Something I read recently (and I’m sure it was on mamamia) has stuck with me – in twenty years time when these children are adults no one is going to ask whether they were breastfed or bottle fed. No one is going to care. Their employers are going to care that they turn up to work and do their job, their doctors are going to care whether they are overweight or smoke, their partners are going to care that they are compassionate, loving people who help with the housework and their parents are going to care about how long it will be before they are grandparents. So do what you need to do, what works for you. In my case, with a dairy intolerant fussy child, attachment parenting worked for me. But your story is not mine so do what you need to do.
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I don’t care whether you breastfeed, stick a bottle in their mouth or open up a can. Just feed them and teach them to be well mannered and thoughtful towards the rest of society.
Let them know that although in your eyes, the sun shines out of their backside, the rest of the world is not always going to feel the same way.
Teach them the difference between right and wrong. Do that, and you are a successful parent.
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You win
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I believe an infant would say: I don’t care whatever, but I do know a bottle is NO COMPARISON to my mom’s milk and nipple.
I wonder why some adults care about organic food or ordinary food, but don’t care breastmilk or formula.
And I do know WHO urges moms to feed till at least 2 years old and beyond.
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Actually WHO recommends breastfeeding *up to* 2 years of age. Not entirely the same thing. Also, one of the key reasons for their recommendations is because one of their key audiences are third world nations. Breastfeeding ensures tots in underdeveloped countries get the nutrients they may not get elsewhere – not as common a problem in the “lucky country” Don’t get me wrong – I breastfed my first till 17 months and hope to breastfeed my second for a good while yet, but I hate it when people use “facts” selectively.
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Great effort feeding til 17 mnths and goodluck with your journey feeding your 2nd child.
I have just checked the WHO website which states “Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.”
I think this is important cause the nutritional value of breastmilk doesn’t disappear just cause baby is 2 years and 1 day
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I’m not a native speaker of English. I may misunderstand the difference between “up to or beyond” and “at least”. But promoting breastfeeding is a global policy of WHO. It’s not that US is rich enough that their kids don’t need breastfeeding long enough as a human baby any more.
And AAP’s breastfeeding policy for reference:http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/115/2/496.full#abstract-1
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Not sure if people are aware of AAP’s breastfeeding policy. It says,
“Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.”
And, “Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child.”
And, “There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.”
Infants weaned before 12 months of age should not receive cow’s milk but should receive iron-fortified infant formula.198
”
I think, willingness is relevant. But it’s rediculous to talk about should or should not, even shame or whatever. If you are thinking too much about a baby or toddler having breast milk, I guess you’ve got some problem with human instinct.
Link for reference:http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/115/2/496.full#abstract-1
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Halolo- I’m all for breastfeeding/formula feeding, whatever works best for each person…. But I’ve been reading your posts on this topic and think you are sooooo pro breastfeeding, it’s bordering on pathetic!
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Why is it pathetic that she’s pro breastfeeding?
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Melsie- Im not saying its pathetic that she’s pro breastfeeding, but if you read through her comments, she is so over the top and so completely breast is best that I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually worked for the breastfeeding association. It’s not pathetic that she’s pro breastfeeding, but the extent to which she is, is bordering on pathetic.
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Still, I don’t understand your explanation. Even if I did work for breastfeeding association, what’s pathetic about it?
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Actually, my son had trouble breastfeeding, I got lots of help, even took him to a speech pathologist but no one could work out what his problem was. The first time he had a bottle of formula (at 3 months old) he was happy and content, such a contrast from our screaming breastfeeding sessions. I think he would have said he preferred the bottle to breastfeeding.
I think breastfeeding is best and should be the first option but sometimes there are really good reasons why a child might be bottle fed like my little guy.
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Re your baby’s crying, I’d rather believe there were some space for improvement in your early days’ parenting technic-wise, than to believe a baby is just born to hate being breastfed by his own mom.
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My son had trouble feeding too. I had recurrent mastitis, he was always hungry, my milk production was low, I got no sleep, etc, so the first four months were a nightmare. Everything immediately changed when we switched to formula (not to mention, that after four months of no sleep, it was bliss to have DH get up and give the one night feed that remained).
Cut to my daughter 5 years later … immediately and easily breastfed, continued for 10 months when she weaned herself. We accept that children have different personalities, so why not that some children are not natural breast-feeders no matter what the Milk Police say!????
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Time Magazine = Shit stirrers.
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This is just other form of judgement against women and specifically, mothers. Breastfeeding seems to be a particularly sensitive topic. My mother wasn’t able to breastfeed me or my brother and sister (twins) After pregnancy she suffered from severe post natal depression and needed medication. After the twins, she was in and our of hospital due to complications with her C section.
The amount of judgement she got from people was ridiculous. It’s none of anyone’s business. It’s your child and you should do what’s best.
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I didn’t even read that whole article,the picture is quite enough.This is 88 shades of messed up,and there is certainly nothing natural about it!
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Alright, I’m going to have a little rant here.
I am SO over the breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding debate, to the point where it’s starting to make me angry. Who CARES how you’re nourishing your child, as long as you bloody well are? I don’t! Neither breastfeeding Mum’s or bottle feeding Mum’s are better than the other… I’m assuming we’re all doing our best regardless of the decision we make on how we feed our beautiful children. I recently read this little quote somewhere and thought that it was pure gold – “A heart and soul makes a good mother NOT breasts or a bottle”… I wish we could all just leave it at that and get on with it.
Also, as long as you’re not harming (in any sense of the word) your child, I don’t care about your parenting style! I don’t care whether you’re an ‘attachment’ parent, or a ‘helicopter’ or ‘free range’… it’s none of my business, just like the way I parent is none of yours. Why do we have to label it? Why can’t we just BE parents?
Maybe it’s my lack of sleep but this whole thing is doing my head in. *sigh*
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Hell yeah Renee!!!!! I’ve thought the same as you quite often lately. When Mia posted about the Gift of Sleep and how it worked for HER FAMILY (and was very upfront that it may not work for others), watching some people come out guns ablazing – on here, on my Facebook feed, in my mothers group (which I’ve since quit because that really was the last straw) – I questioned if I was the only one who just didn’t care what Mia and her husband chose to do to help their children sleep. Not in a who gives a shit? kind of way but I just thought wow, I remember reading about Elizabeth in Mia’s book…it’s pretty bloody cool that now everyone can ‘hire’ her too for twenty bucks no matter where they are if they’re having a tough time and need/want to try something new. They’re not advocating plying them with Phenergan or whiskey every night so it’s all good to me. I love hearing what works and doesn’t for other parents… not only do I often get tips but it reminds me that I’m not the only one who doesn’t figure it all out right away.
Disposable nappies vs cloth; bottle vs breast; the silent – or I guess this time not so silent – competitions about who breast fed longer; co-sleeping vs getting up 50 times a night vs controlled crying vs controlled comfort; child care; vaccinations; baby-led solids; when to toilet-train; jarred baby food vs homemade; my baby hit xxxxx milestones; tv watching; plastic toys; staying at home vs returning to work. It makes my head spin. Not only by the amount of energy some put into vigorously defending either side but because they don’t often seem to get that when everyone logs off, walks away, hangs up the phone… each parent is still going to do what they feel works for their family regardless of what someone else tries to declare ‘right’. Or they’ll go down trying their best. The only difference is that if the recipient is more sensitive to criticism – no matter how veiled it might be – they’ll leave the conversation feeling like crap about themselves and their choices and attempts. Why would we want to do that to each other when it’s tough enough to negotiate this parenting gig as it is already?
When I find myself stumbling across this stuff, I think of what my Aunt said when I called her after a particularly brutal onslaught from a Lactation Consultant and an ABA rep at the hospital. Despite trying every trick and medication available for almost 3 months, I still couldn’t produce enough milk to feed a fly with a small appetite let alone a baby but they were adamant I wasn’t “working hard enough”. I know they were trying to help but their delivery sucked donkey balls. My Aunt listened to me blubber about how I’d completely messed up as a mother: Not only didn’t I have any milk but I was positive that skipping my pre-natal vitamins 2x is why I didn’t carry my baby even close to term; how I didn’t have my home/water birth that I’d planned for so meticulously; how I already had two Tonka trucks in my house but I’d always said no plastic toys; how I hated using a sling; how I used disposables even though I had plenty of cloth nappies and even how I was pretty sure my son stared at one of those phone sex ads when he was having a late night feed but I was too tired to try to find the remote. Oh but “at least I didn’t have any pain relief (I asked but didn’t have time) and I co-sleep so that counts for something, right?”
She was trying not to piss herself laughing: “Honey, it’s nice to gather information but sometimes I think all of that Internet stuff isn’t good for you. When you and your cousins were born (in the ’70s) we didn’t care about stuff like this. We tried our best and got on with it. It was a good day if we managed to make it to the grocery store with all of the kids in the car on the first try and no one drew on the walls. All of us would’ve been thrown in jail if what you’re saying counts for a good parent these days and I’m pretty sure you turned out ok. He only has one mother. Don’t waste your time trying to be someone else’s idea of what his mother should be like. Ask for help when you need it but believe in yourself that as long as you’re trying your best and he knows you love him, you’re doing a great job.”
That’s the beans style. I respect everyone else’s choices as a parent as long as their children are safe and loved but I’m sticking with mine no matter how many stats you present or how often and loudly you argue your case.
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Best. Comment. Ever.
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Consider me a big fan of your Aunt!
I remember when I was really struggling to breastfeed and my Nanna, who was in her late 70′s, champion breast feeder and had been a ‘wet nurse’ to newborns when she had my Uncle, said to me “give her a bottle love”… just like that, as if it was the most simple and logical solution to a screaming newborn and a beyond distressed new mother. It goes back to just doing what you gotta do and I think we could learn alot from older generations about minding our own business and getting on with life.
I too love learning about what works for others, especially if I am in search of an answer for my own parenting dilemmas, but I just despise the debate and competition and the attacks on mothers by other mothers because they dare to parent differently to what they would. It doesn’t even make any sense! Why do that to other women? It really does my head in.
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100% agreed and I do the same, I do my Best for my baby’s what suits best for them
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