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At the tender age of nineteen I gave birth to my first child, a son whom I love dearly. I was engaged to be married at eighteen and thought that this was it for me, I was set up for life and I truly thought that things were perfect. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out as I had hoped they would, and so my son’s dad and I parted ways. I was a single parent for a few years, it was a struggle but we survived and I am stronger for it.
When my son was five I unexpectedly fell in love.
The relationship progressed and when he was was nine I had another son with my new partner.
It was at this point that parenting changed for me, I was now parenting two children, under the same roof and they both had different fathers. Right from the beginning things were different, I breastfed my second son whereas I never even considered it for my first son.
My children are now fifteen, five, three and one and there is a lot of love in our family unit. However, I have since come to realise that there is a difference in how I parent my older son and how I parent his younger siblings.
I call it ‘Parallel Parenting’ because I am raising my children side by side, yet differently, and I have become more aware of it lately. With my eldest I feel that I must take full responsibility for his well-being, whereas for my other children, half of the responsibility of their day to day lives is shared with my husband (their father).
I have always been confident in my parenting ability with my eldest. I have always made any decisions about his well-being from my gut instinct, funny then, that even though that has been successful with him that I have not carried this type of parenting through to my younger three. The difference now is that I am not the only one making the decisions.
Every aspect of parenting is different when parallel parenting. When my eldest was five and asked me something like “Mum can I play a video game? Mum can I get a puppy? Mum can I go to the circus?” I would make a decision straight away. Whereas with my now five year old it is more “Let’s wait and see what daddy has to say when he gets home, shall we.” Although this teaches my son that sometimes he must be patient if he wants to achieve something, I have found that he does get more frustrated by my reaction, whereas when I stood confident in my decision as a single mum my son moved on from not being allowed something more quickly and still does.
He has recently signed up to start an Industry Links program for Year 11, it was not a hard decision making process for him , I encouraged him to follow his heart because I believe that by doing so he will give his best to his chosen occupation. I don’t think that the decision will be made as easily when my next child is ready to make their choice because he will have both of us parents with his best interest at heart.
I very rarely have a difference of opinion with myself when it comes to parenting my eldest. He has grown up to be a wonderful young man who is never reluctant to help out and who genuinely cares about the well-being of his younger siblings. I must be doing something right. Right? But it takes a little explaining to a three year old when they ask “Mummy why does Dylan not have the same name as us?”. I take time to explain our family circumstances in a way that they can rationalise it all in their little minds and all is then fine, until the next question of course.
What works for me is that I share an equal amount of love between all of my children. Love is the special ingredient that makes everything in life grow. For me, everything else seems to fall into place from there.
Karen’s first novel The Visitor – a magical understanding of uncertainty was released last year. She writes regularly for adoptamum.com and Universal Mind magazine.
Do you parent your own children individually? Did your parents treat you and your siblings the same way?
Comments
28 Comments so far
From the perspective of a child, my mother left my “father” when I was 2 and my sister was 4. She met my “Dad” about 6 months later and were married 2 years after that. My Dad wanted to be our Dad from the start, he was thrilled that we called him Daddy of our own accord, and despite not being the most emotional person, he has gotten emotional on occasion when our father has been involved because he was worried we didn’t think of him as our real Dad and he actually always wished he had that genetic link.
So do I. We have 2 younger sisters and none of us have ever thought of ourselves as half sisters, or Dad as not being all of our Dads. It kind of makes me sad that so many people do not have faith in their partners to parent their children or *really* love them. By putting up that wall, you are stopping your children from having a special relationship with your partner.
From someone who has a Dad that DNA didn’t provide: genetics mean absolutely nothing. Love means everything and I got the best Dad I could have asked for. Parallel parenting doesn’t need to exist – it didn’t in my house. Thank goodness for that.
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Thank you Karen!
Your story made me momentarily feel somewhat normal and relieved as I found myself gently smiling and nodding along to your words and feelings that closely parallel my own life as a single parent and parenting half – I despise that term in this context – siblings.
My eldest is almost 21 and is a very loving and kind person and his siblings are age 4 and 2. I also made decisions etc for my eldest easily and felt he was 100% my responsibility even when I met my husband and for the duration of our relationship and marriage. I too feel like the responsibilty is halved with the younger 2. Perhaps it was innate instinct to protect and provide in the absence of the other biological parent or the product of my own fierce independence, regardless it was what it was and it was often harder factoring in my husband and easier to leave him out of any matters concerning my eldest. No division intended, but yes it sometimes did.
All my children are loved equally and fully; I am very proud of my strong maternal instinct. I have in our society felt on many occasions like i sit on the outer edge and sometimes ‘out all together’, of the nuclear family ideal but the proof is in the pudding and if my children are happy, are successful in their relationships with others, school and work then I too have done something right.
It doesn’t matter what our family looks like, its the pure and strong connection we have with each other that is the seed for growing our children into kind, caring, well contributing and happy people.
Well done Karen, you sound like an amazing mum!
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Thank you Karen!
Your story made me momentarily feel somewhat normal and relieved as I found myself gently smiling and nodding along to your words and feelings that closely parallel my own life as a single parent and parenting half – I despise that term in this context – siblings.
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Sorry Step children, my children, i love them the same. There is 12 years difference and now 38 years later I love my “step” grandchildren as much as my biological grandchildren.
My husband is father to both lots, I made friends with his ex, and yes there were many years where this was very tense, but the kids were never subject to fights or upsets. I agreed with everything she wanted, and told the kids they were loved at all times.
His or ours who cares?
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This is slightly off subject yet similiar. I am a stay at home mum with kids in school. I don’t make any expensive or lifestyle changing subjects (things like tutoring, expensive after school acitivities or even ‘minor?’ $5,000 house upkeeping work) without consulting my husband first. Olde Worlde yes I know, but it does work for us. We had a dispute recently with a service provider who said that I agreed to expensive work, but my honest response was “I never make a major decision without discussing it with my husband first”. She never did dispute this comment. So we live differently to many, but this policy does agree with us. Currently it’s about saving energy and the best way to ‘spend money’ to achieve it!!! Solar panels, skylights etc….
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Not ‘olde world’ at all, anon. I’m a strident feminist, and I discuss all those things you listed above with my partner too. I guess the ‘olde worlde’ side might come in to it in regards to whether he offers you the same courtesy, and discusses those decisions with you before making the decision? My partner does. All big decisions deserve the input of both of us. Seems only fair that this should be the case.
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Absolutely agree that it’s a matter of respecting your partner, and should go both ways. Definitely does in our house, and just as well, too!
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This us a really interesting article – and I suggest I parallel parent too, just in a completely different way.
Our children are 11, 9 and 2 – all with same dad – but he works away. Alot. So I figure I parent them on my own virtually Mon – Fri every week (and the occasional weekend too) – so when he comes home, I have to learn to step aside and not do the instant decision making / disciplining ….. but sometimes it is SO frustrating!!
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I used to do this, wait for my husband’s decision when he was home, and just run my own show when he was away, but it was too frustrating changing my parenting style all the time, and it confused the kids. I was trying to keep him involved, but it didn’t work for us. Now I just consult him on the big stuff (which I did anyway) and run the little things myself whether he is here or not. He stays involved by spending “quality time” instead (god I hate that phrase.)
http://the-accidental-housewife.blogspot.com.au/
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I can relate to this a lot. I have a 5 year old daughter with my ex, and a 1 year old with my husband.
My husband has taken on the role of father to my 5 year old, but she sees her real dad every week. He disciplines and treats her like his own. But I seem to be more protective of her than my younger daughter. Maybe because of a fear of leaving her out? I’m not sure, but I always find myself worrying about her, and how she is feeling. Especially when she is getting into trouble from the Hubby.
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Amazing! you that is. I come from a large family and we almost all have differing views of the parental load. I would never have asked permission from my dad to do something as in my childish opinion he had no power, whereas my younger and older sisters would quite happily get dad to overide some of mum’s decisions. Whenever they did there was such un uneasy truce in the house i never wanted to get my own way at the expense f that feeling. So while we are all from the same parents there are different ways ask the baby of the family she was born when my parents thought they were done and she has a very different perspective of how it all works
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I once heard the phrase ” every child is born into a different family” – I think it especially holds true in large families, the difference in parenting alone between my brother (the 1st of seven children) and myself, the 6th of seven children is extraordinary. we have the “same” parents, but he was born in the 60′s to teenage parents, I was born in the 80′s to parents in their mid 30′s who had 14 years of parenting under their belt by that stage (if you think the third child gets away with murder, you should see what number 6 gets up to ! ). totally different experiences growing up in the same household…
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Wow thanks for this post Karen. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in this situation. I imagine I would be ultra defensive of my children from the previous relationship and would take it to heart if my new partner were to chastise them or complain about them (imaginary scenario that I have wondered about in my head!).
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I was told that no child has the same two parents. I believe this because we have our children at different times in our lives often under different financial and emotional pressures. We also naturally interact differently with each of our children as we respond to their varying personalities and even genders.
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Yeah I’m confused too, surely with being together for 10 yrs and from the sons early age at the time, her new partner would be more involved?
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I agree, she mentions being a single mother and then becoming a family unit and going on to have 3 children with her new love, I would have thought she would have accepted her partner as a fatherly role for her oldest? I do think I’d understand this more if the older son’s father was still in his life (which we’re given the impression he’s not), or if the new partner had joined the family when her son was at a much older age.
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I have been a single mum up until last 6 months since I was pregnant. I have found you are very conscious to not inflict responsibility for someone else’s child so I can understand where the author has come from. I don’t think this lies with the new man but you have always been ultimately responsible for this child and for your modus operandum to change because you’ve met someone, especially because the integration of them into your family is a slow process and therefore working out when you let go or share some of that responsibility is hard to work out.
Thank you for an excellent article giving me a perspective of what things to consider should my new partner and I ever decide to have a child together.
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Hmmmmm, as a step child and a step mother it sounds right to me. You cannot completely be a parent to someone else’s child. You can love them, but making decisions and discipline should be left to natural parents IMO. Step kids can resent step parents “telling them what to do”. It’s a fine line. The hardest thing about being a step mum is that you treat the kids as if they are your own, but they don’t treat you like you are their parent (neither should they, you are not). Sounds to me like Karen has navigated this situation fantastically.
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As one of my mothers once said to me, there’s a natural order to these things, a child has but one mother but a mother often has many children. I find that’s true and that the mother who raised me is the mother of my heart. The other mothers (biological and step) are motherish but not the real deal.
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Love this
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I completely disagree. My husband has raised my son since before he was two. He is the only father he knows as his biological father has never been involved, with time or financial support. If my husband read your comment he would be outraged! He is my son’s father in every sense of the word but blood. He disciplines, loves, encourages, guides and shares all the joy and frustration of parenting with me. We have since had another son together and there is not one bit of difference in the way they are “fathered” by my husband. He tells my eldest that it’s more special that they aren’t biologically related, because he CHOSE to be his dad. My son now; at 10, wants to legally change his surname to reflect who he feels his father is. Biology be damned, my husband is that boys dad. After 8 years, he’s more than earned the mantle.
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Sorry, no offense meant to you, different when kids are very little in the beginning. Easier for everyone to bond and accept relationships. Different also when biological parents still a big part of the equation as in both my cases (me and my step daughter).
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Dont know where my original comment went to, the Internet black hole maybe???
It was similar to yours. My husband is dad to my 2 older kids. It’s helped that their biological father has played no part in their lives, but even if he had, I think his behaviour would have put them off, to be honest. His own family no longer speaks to him, so I doubted be much of a dad.
My kids have changed their name (as minors). You have to go to family court and make every effort to contact their biological dad (and prove it), as well as explain why you want to change their name. At least that’s how it went for us (Qld). We were then able to apply to births, deaths and marriages for a change of name on their birth certificates.
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I met my (now) husband when my daughter was 9 months old, we got married when she was two. She calls him “daddy” and doesn’t know any differently, but is was a big issue early on (and still is, if I am completely truthful) that I would make parenting decisions about her without even consulting him. Deep in my heart I *do* feel like I am the only one who is entirely responsible for her. That has nothing to do with him, and I am sure should anything happen to me he would love her and parent her. He would lay down his life for her. It is all about me, and the start of my parenting of my daughter when I was the only one.
We haven’t had any more children, so I can’t say if this would be decreased or increased by children that were biologically both of ours…
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I can completely understand her approach to parenting her eldest one. I was a single Mum to a a now 5 year old son (his Dad passed away). Even though we now live with my new partner I think I will always feel like a single Mum. I accepted long ago that I am completely responsible for how I parent him and feel like I need to make good decisions every day to help him turn out OK (particuarly without his Dad). My partner loves him and is happy to take on responsibility for him but I feel too protective somehow to let go of any responsibility. Like Karen, I make quick decisions and my son accepts my authority. If my partner disciplines him he looks to me to make the final call. I feel it will always be complex as I know my partner can never love and care for him as I do and I honestly feel its my job to be his parent.
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“I know my partner can never love and care for him as I do and I honestly feel its my job to be his parent”
I think it is sad that you feel this way and I hope it doesn’t damage your relationship. My older sister and I were 5 and 3 years old when my mum met my “Dad” not long after she met my biological father. Two younger sisters followed and he is my Dad in every sense of the word – genetics mean nothing. My Dad loves us all in exactly the same way, and for me is no less my Dad than my mother is my mother. You should cut your partner some slack – there is no reason to think he can’t love your son as much as you do.
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There doesn’t have to be different fathers for there to be ‘Parallel Parenting’ I could be from a different country,even a different family as far as my mother is concerned! I was brought up vastly differently from my two siblings – 4years 11 months younger sister and nearly 10 years younger brother… When I was a teenager and they were still quite young, I recall many family outings where I was not even considered, much less included. I am very independant, whereas they live in my parents pockets and cannot sneeze without my mother’s approval. You sound like you are doing a great job, but if it has worked so well for your first, why can you not make it as easy/fluid for the others as it has been for your first son? Does your husband/partner micro manage you that he has to be included in every decision made for your other sons? Why did he not have a say in the upbringing of your first born? He took you on with a child, so I would have thought that he was also taking on somewhat of a fatherley roll for your son too? Confused…
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Sounds like you have some issues! Perhaps it’s not a case of “micro managing” your mother’s decisions and more a case if respecting the father and hid role in parenting? Maybe your just not used to a father figure? I “parallel parent” and see the vast difference between my first husband and his lack if interest in our son and my second husband and his devotion to our children…
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