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To the woman in the milk and cheese aisle last night, I want to say – thank you. Your random act of parental support saved my sanity. It turned my horrendous day around, and all because you took twenty seconds out of your day to support me – a total stranger.
I was having one of those moments every parent has been through, and everyone else has witnessed – the very public meltdown. Not by me – well, my meltdown was internal – but by my two children, in the middle of a busy Sydney supermarket, at 5 o’clock in the afternoon. Both contained within the trolley (thank god), I’m sure their screaming could be heard all the way to the toilet paper aisle.
Overtired, hungry, and pushed too far by a busy Mum, they’d had enough. And so had I.
But just as I felt my own tears of exhaustion and embarrassment begin to well up, one understanding and empathic women pushed her way through the judgemental shoppers and whispered to me “You’re doing a great job.”
Wow. What powerful words. And what a rare thing to witness nowadays.
Is it just me, or is support from strangers becoming more and more uncommon? I certainly think so.
It amazes me – and concerns me just a little – just how angry and removed we all are from one another. I get more support from strangers on-line than from the person living next to me. I feel more community love and outreaching from the Facebook and forum friends I have collected than from the parents I stand next to at the local Playgroup. Why is that?
Why are we so comfortable sharing our world on the web, but not with our neighbours? Has our obsession with Facebook, I-phones and on-line forums made us better at supporting each other online than face-to-face? At the moment, support from a stranger can literally make or break me.
I have just moved to a strange city, where everything is new and unfamiliar. I’m a fish out of my water, and the way you – a total stranger – interacts with me is everything. I’ve been abused as I’ve driven down the wrong way of a one-way road. I’ve been stuck at a playground with a 4 year old screaming for the toilet and no-one helped me with directions to the nearest public loo. I am that woman you stare at as you rush past in your busy life – the one you may feel sorry for, but don’t do much about.
The thing is, we never really know what’s going on in someone’s life. Perhaps that woman who cut you off at the traffic lights is in a rush to pick up her sick kid from school. Or perhaps that man pushing past you at the train station has been up all night worried about losing his job. Or perhaps, like me, that woman in the carpark has just packed up her life and moved to a new city where she feels totally alone.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we gave everyone the benefit of the doubt? Rather than react with anger or judgement, wouldn’t it be fantastic if everyone was like that amazing woman in the supermarket and assumed they just need a little understanding Try it. One day, it might just be you rushing the wrong way down a one-way street, after losing your job, and with a screaming child needing a toilet.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz has been a producer at ABC Radio for nearly 12 years and is now the ABC’s resident Mummy blogger with her weekly blog “The Mummy Monologues” . She also makes regular appearances on ABC Local Radio
How has the kindness of a stranger made a difference to you?
Comments
195 Comments so far
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Have read this thread from 2011 which is headlined in March, 2012 as being about kindness. Many comments are just down right mean about the perspectives and circumstances contributors bring to the forum. As an older female who can still remember but not does not dwell upon our family’s less noteworthy public displays, a smile and a happy remark go along way when the time is right. I also admit, to closing my eyes and mouth when old enough to understand children ‘perform’ in a public setting and no conversation or explanation is entered into about undesirability of unavoidably questionable behaviour. As my retirement planning firms up, I further acknowledge a quick accounting of when these same kids might enter
my secondary school workplace. I’ve found, there’s such a fine line between judgement and support.
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Just yesterday I was power walking in my neighbourhood, bub asleep in the pram, a lady wearing a beautiful black and white dress walked past me. AS there were no on-lookers I said in a clear loud voice as she passed me, without breaking my stride:
“That is a GORGEOUS dress”
She momentarily stopped dead in her tracks with a huge smile on her face. “Thank you” she called out to me as I went merrily on my way.
I actually got a kick out of giving a random stranger such an obvious ‘buck-up’. I wondered if I’d made her day. Doing that certainly went a long way to making mine.
Random acts of kindness people – you don’t have to be a goody-two-shoes, bleeding heart lefty to do it. It’s good for the soul.
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Love this article. I remember once driving to a funeral and accidentally cutting someone off on traffic, they became sooo unnecessarily hostile. I always try and remember that lesson now, you never know what someone’s day has held.
I think we often have this ridiculous fear that maybe if we say to the mum, youre doing a great job, she will somehow feel upset or offended. Ridiculous. I have a policy at work that it’s never inappropriate to say thankyou. I work in the legal profession, where hierarchy rules. I often make a point of chatting to magistrates like humans, thanking them and so forth. It’s amazing the response you get. I find there is always that sliver of anxiety when you put yourself out on a limb and perform a random act of kindness or thank someone unexpectedly, but you never regret it.
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The kindness of strangers!!! A while back, I was in a supermarket with my 4 yr old & my 2 yr old, what happened next, my 2 yr old started to mildly shake, then a full on fit, I grabbed him & started yelling for help, as this had never happened before, about 30 people came running, all to have a look, but 1 remarkable lady, she grabbed him off me, by this time he was lifeless & she started working on him, got him breathing, & supported him & his beside herself mother! It was by chance she was shopping there that day, she normally shopped somewhere else, she was also a nurse, to me she was his angel. We found out he had epilepsy, but he is a great, happy fantastic boy, we are so honored to be his mum & dad, & because of a stranger, we have him to humor us, & to enjoy every day.
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For the last few weeks, I have been making sure I say something nice to someone every day, even it’s just telling a stranger I like their top or something trivial. The reactions are lovely, makes my day more than theirs sometimes I think.
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I live in Melbourne too but don’t have the same sentiment about public transport. People look the other way when those board a train or tram who need a seat or need a hand getting on or off the tram.
When I was pregnant I boarded a peak hour tram and no one offered me a seat. However, when I fainted from low blood pressure people were suddenly offering water and assistance, which was much appreciated.
I don’t know how many times I have helped a mother get a pram on or off public transport, even whilst pregnant – because no one else would! They are always so grateful and it doesn’t take much effort to help out. Very few people have returned the favour, unfortunately.
(ETA: sorry, this was meant to be a reply to a post further down)
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I totally agree about giving pregnant women a seat on the bus. However, prams on public transport drive me nuts! Mums pay for one seat and take up three! The rest of us have to stand while you sit and your pram takes up another two seats!
I think if you have a pram on public transport, you should try and fold it up so others can sit. At the very worst, if your pram is taking up two seats, then you should stand so someone who’s paid for their seat can sit.
This comment is probably going to make me unpopular but I don’t mean to offend anyone, just offer my 2 cents. Am happy to hear the other side of the story–I admit I don’t have kids so don’t know what it’s like.
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Maybe it is big cities?
Today I witnessed a typical interaction down the south coast. Visiting a friend I just dropped in on without calling we were watching the kids play on the path when a stanger with kids walks by. We all say hello, introduce our selves and he tells us he just moved here. My friends husband points out who lives in each house on the street and the kids they have, have a nice chat and invites him and his family over for coffee.
I want to move into that street. Everyone knows everyone and they are all so darn nice.
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I don’t think it’s just big cities. I lived in a tiny coastal town in Tasmania and it took about two years for people to start to open up to me… I had a new baby at the time and it was extremely lonely. I found people in Melbourne to be much more open and approachable.
My theory though, is that the street you live on makes a huge difference. Some streets seem like genuine communities, other streets… people just keep to themselves.
We introduced ourselves to our neighbour across the road the other day, finally, after a couple years of waving at each other. They’ve got kids the same age and we just thought, this is ridiculous let’s properly say hello. Anyway she acted really taken aback. And then kept talking about our status as renters, and were we looking to buy etc etc. Ugh. Total snobbery. Like we weren’t worth getting to know because we were “just renting.” So yeah, depends on the street, depends on the people I think, not so much the town or city.
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Yes Amy, I agree, it is easier for strangers than it is for the ones closest to us. The reason is fear. A stranger has nothing to lose and can objectively observe the situation and then express the empathy that loved ones find so difficult. That is what I discovered when my family and I were going through the challenge of my husband dying of MND. People who were close to us found it too confronting, but our more distant friends and strangers wereable to respond to us. We live in emotional fear. We have a fear of doing the wrong thing, we form judgements about ourselves and others and this all leads to a hinderance to really be what we would like to be. That is why I wrote my book, On Silver Wings, because it became such a stark reality for us that I felt there needed to be changes to bring about the care that we all so yearn for.
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On the subject of people making nasty posts, most people I am sure don’t mean it but here’s a hint that might help. If I feel like my post is going in the other direction to everyone else (as happens frequently) and it may appear vitriolic, I open up a word document, put my thoughts down, read it through a couple of times, make adjustments and then file it for a while. Most of the time I don’t bother going back to it to copy and paste it as a post, but you can bet that if I do, it is because the subject matter has really got up my nose and that I have given it some serious thought.
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Fantastic quote from Ghandi:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
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I think a big thief of everyday kindness and patience is the horrible time pressure so many of us are under. It doesn’t excuse the glares at children having tantrums and all the rest of it, but it’s easy for people to get grumpy with the slow trolley-pusher in the supermarket, the slow anyone, basically. I know I often have to take a breath and lift up my frown lines so that I don’t turn my own day sour in the face of bad drivers and imminent lateness for every tightly scheduled timeslot in my day, even if I don’t share the glare or be pushy and grumpy with others.
I love the staff at my local supermarket because we live near an estate for people who need supported living. People who live on the estate shop there, and all the staff are patient and kind and helpful with them, to a T, no matter how impatient the next person in the queue is getting about waiting 5 minutes longer than they’d like.
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Loving all the stories of acts of kindness. Making me smile. I remember one time doing an act of kindness (well, more than one time but this one makes me smile too). I was at the supermarket checkout and the gentleman in front of me was asking if he could purchase any pillows. We live in a very small town and our local little supermarket didn’t stock pillows. The checkout operator suggested that the only thing she could suggest would be maybe some rolled up towel. I overheard this and said the the man “I’ve got some new pillows at home, you can have them”. He said he would be happy to purchase them but hey, they were cheap, he was obviously a stranger in town, no problem really. I told him to follow me home to my place around the corner and I would get the pillows. As it turned out he was with his sons and their friends and they had come to town for an event but the motel was booked out and all they could get was a caravan that had no linen. I gave him the pillows and then said “you haven’t got any doona’s either have you”? He looked a bit sheepish and said no. In the end I sent them away with pillows and doonas for everyone. This man and his sons were from the city and they could not believe that someone would do this for them. I told him he could return them when they were finished. I came home and found everything folded neatly on my front verandah along with a lovely bottle of wine a couple of days later. I know that he will retell that story for years to come. And like I said, it still makes me smile. I guess the point of this is that when we do something nice for someone, we get something out of it too.
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Mr By and I often wonder why people choose to spend their lives dedicating effort and energy to being rude and mean. We find living our lives the other way requires so much less effort.
We are the family who will let you in, in traffic. We will let you in front of us at the checkout because we know that we have a massive food shop in our trolley and you don’t. We will hold a lift for you. We will chit chat to your child when you are trying to be served and they are bored and want attention. We will stop your child running out to the parking lot at a fast food restaurant. Its so, so easy to do.
What puts you off doing this? The times when there is no recognition and at worst, a scowl for your trouble.
Then you go back to your normal way of being because you don’t want to live in a society where everyone is careless of everyone else.
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Ha! something like that just happened to me! I went to buy my son a baby rat, my 2 y old daughter hadn’t had her nap and i guess was hungry, but most of all she wanted “The Cute” out of its little carton box RIGHT NOW , and I was paying for the cage and food etc, she was sitting on the counter screaming “THE CUUUUUUTE!!!!!!! at the top of her lungs and crying really hard , i just couldn’t reason with her anymore, all i wanted was to put her in the carton box along with her “cute” and take her home as fast as possible.
The cashier lady, young and princesslike with her auburn curls and pink lip gloss, appeared and mesmerized my insane toddler!!! and with what, i ask you? her fingers!! crawling along the counter top and up to the tiny brat’s hand, and singing a magical fairy songof some sort, and f%$* me, she laughed!!
Some people are just different…..then she whispered to me “i’ve got the same one at home, it’s just easier when they haven’t been like that with you for 5 hours straight…..” YES!! she was so good i actually thought she was childless before she said that. amazing.
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There’s a really good movie kind of about this- Pay it Forward. I’ve only seen the first half, about an 11 year old who does a school project based on doing an act of kindness, and telling the receiver to pay it forward and seeing how many people can be affected by his one random act.
As for my random act of kindness, this morning I went to buy bread after a doozy of a night shift, and the baker just gave me the best smile, asked how I was and wished me a good sleep. Made me smile when I felt like crap!!
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We had just moved to Perth and I was way in the outer north somewhere and had just collected our dog and cat from their pet motels to take them to our new home and meet our removalists. It was 40 degrees out and the cat was especially not happy in his cat cage.
This man came speeding up beeping and flashing his lights in a big F100 trying to get me to pull over. I was terrified as I was in the middle of nowhere, but eventually worked out I had a flat tyre. I pulled over and he changed it for me in the heat on the side of the hot road.
He told me my other front tyre was about to blow out too and needed replacing asap, so I drove off looking for a tyre place in a panic and running late for the furniture people. I stumbled across a Bob Jane, and as it was about 2 weeks b4 Xmas they were flat out, but they took sympathy on me and changed my tyres straight away and let me wait in the air con’d office with my dog and cat.
Will never forget that day it meant so much to me in a foreign city where knew no one. Thank you man in F100 you saved me and my fur babies!!
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My parents let me go to Africa by myself when I was 17 (1989). What an adventure for a Gold Coast kid!
When I arrived at Harare airport there were no taxis and a lone public phone with no receiver (very broken and pre mobile phone days). The sun was sinking into the horizon and I said to a fellow passenger “how do we get to town now?
A man who was walking past and had just dropped off a relative said “I’ll drive you!” and he did. I would never have accepted a lift from a stranger here in Australia.
Thank you Zimbabwean man.
The kindness of strangers is remembered for a long time.
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Gee that was either brave or stupid! You wouldn’t do it now.
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Ouch – why not?!
I still take such risks these days without issues.
Sometimes you have to trust your gut. It’s not like she had another choice anyway!
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I agree with Nonna, there is no way I would get in a car with a strange man and I really don’t know of anyone that would either.There are always other choices, I simply wouldn’t consider that as an option.
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This afternoon after a long day and a massive grocery shop and with a prospect of a very late soccer game for my master7, needless to say I didn’t look my best and after unpacking groceries into car went on a search for a trolly bay. Had to go in a tight space between two cars when an older man with a tight singlet and gold necklaces was getting into his car with his much younger girlfriend, immediately I thought some snide thoughts (I was tired). To my surprise, he jumped out of his car and offered to take my trolly back to the bay. I was so thankful to him and ashamed of my reaction.
I try to help whenever I can and it’s nice to be on the receiving end for a change.
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I’m definitely the one to smile at overworked mums in the shops or letting them know ‘we all have days like that’ when their kids are having meltdowns. There is enough competativeness and bitchyness between the mums I am friendly with, there’s no need for this to be taken out on strangers who’s situation we don’t know.
When we took our girl to Melbourne 8 months ago and she was being nothing like her angelic usual self, we all of a sudden realised we were ‘those people’. But I’ll never forget the lady who told us, as we had firnally arrived, that we were doing a great job. It meant the world.
And because I sometimes am the person to pull out in front of someone I haven’t seen zooming around the corner, or the one having a bad day at the shops, I make sure I go out of my way to right the wrongs, balance out karma and give others a bit of my surplus when I have it. It’s the only way to be, and it sure makes my day better when I’ve made someone else smile!
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The kindness of strangers literally saved my life 3 months ago. I was really unwell and had made an attempt on my life in a park. A friend found me and she was too busy trying to do emergency first aid on me to call 000. Three girls my friend didn’t know and I didn’t know (although I wasn’t conscious so I wouldn’t recognise them if I faced them again!) saw my friend slapping me & trying to get a response. One held me on my side, the other called 000 from my phone, the other assisted my friend with first aid and went through my bag for ID/medical information. When the ambulance arrived, one went racing down to meet them & brought them to where I was. Once I was loaded into the ambulance, all three of them hugged my friend as she started sobbing and when another friend met my friend (long story behind that) to follow the ambulance to hospital, the gave a summary of what had happened to the others, so my friend didn’t have to explain. They wished my friend well, wished me well & went on with their day.
They saw a stranger in trouble and they didn’t turn away.
They came across a confronting situation that pushes anyone’s buttons and they didn’t leave.
They kept their cool, they used skills they’d developed in the community and they then comforted my friend. They never gave her their names or numbers. They did not expect anything in return.
To those three girls in the park that day. Thank you so much.
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Wonderful story!!!
Glad you’re still with us to share it!
xxx
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I am too. And I am amazed that they helped me & my friend. So thankful.
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Ella, I too am so glad you are here with us today to share this story of great kindness. I hope you are now finding yourself in a better place and that life is now worth living for! Hang in there, the world needs you in it!!!
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3 months on & my world is changing. Each day is a challenge, a mystery & a chance. It is not easy, but I can see now that it’s worth it. I have help. I am getting well. I NEVER thought things would ever be ok again & they are. Life is worth it.
Thank you xx
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At the servo this morning on the way to work, I was parked behind a car waiting to fill up, and was thinking about the guy in front and how bogan he looked with his huge rat’s tail – terrible I know. Anyway, he finished filling his car and instead of walking into the servo immediately after, he actually moved his car into a carbay so that I didn’t have to wait any longer to use the petrol pump. So lovely!
Moral of the story – don’t judge a person by their rat’s tail!!
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hahahha sorry that was just so funny & true!!
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In my younger days… I lost my mbile phone at a night club and was off on a P & O cruise the next day and remember being so bummed that i had lost my phone and all contacts etc. Before the ship set sail my brother called (my friend’s phone) to let me know that a girl had picked it up, made contact and arranged to drop off the phone (1/2 hr drive). My brother told her he would pick it up but she was adamant, so he arranged to meet her half way and gave her some $ to cover petrol cost. I don’t know who she was but always have a fond memory of her act of kindness.
I also once found a mobile at the airport and tracked down the owner by calling a few numbers and meeting the person there.
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Oh. This exact thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. My 3 year old was have a tantrum, crying and yelling and running off in the mall and I was just so so so over it. And a lovely lady (maybe she was the same one!???) came up to me and said “Deep breaths. We’ve all been there”. It was the kindest thing anyone could have done. So I took deep breaths and it was all fine. I thought about her for days afterwards.
Next time I see someone in that situation I’m going to do the same.
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Have you noticed it is often older women, most of whom are surely mothers or grandmothers themselves, who are the most judgemental? They give the cranky look in the supermarket or don’t get out of the way as you try to nudge past them with your double pram. One day I stood in the express line of my local Woolies with a 2L of milk when my baby started to cry and carry on. I jiggled the pram furiously but then the middle aged man in front of me wearing work clothes said “don’t worry mate, we’ve all been there”. I’ve never forgotten it and it made me feel so much better.
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I was also in line to pay for groceries a while back when my son absolutely cracked it and started screaming and crying, and the two elderly ladies in front of me let me go ahead of them and both were so comforting and kept saying ”Don’t worry love, we’ve both been there”.
The opposite once happened to a close friend of mine who was told by an elderly woman that she ”didn’t deserve to have children” after her kids were throwing tantrums at a restaurant.
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Sheesh some people know no bounds! How could that woman say that to a stranger and live with herself? Unbelieveable.
Emmeline – I was racking my brain earlier and overwhelmingly it’s the 60+ old male character who features in my negative memories.
That’s when it comes to strangers. In my wider familial / social circle, it’s more like your theory
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To the lady who held her umbrella over my head the other day, thank you!! It was very much appreciated.
I try my best to help people out whenever I can, because as Elle Woods said (and I’m sure many people said it before and after her): What kind of world would this be if we didn’t help each other out every once in a while?
You never know what a simple gesture, a smile or helping hand, may do to brighten up someone else’s day. They should teach THAT in school.
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Love it! Thanks for sharing… that is my new mantra
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I got so much crap for genuinely enjoying the Legally Blonde movies, but actually I got pretty good messages out of them. Like I really can do anything I put my mind to
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A friend sent me this via Email the other day -
“One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally, just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a blessed, garbage-free day!”
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That’s brilliant! Love it!
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Wow, this is something I’ll remember forever!
No more taking other people’s garbage!
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Love it!!!
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I was so happy to read this post – the other day I saw a Mum with 3 little ones at Aldi and her oldest was having the most massive meltdown I have ever witnessed (and I have a 2 year old who has treated me to some doozies…) A vile old woman went past her and snarled, “In my day we’d have given him a good smack”, and I rushed up and said, “Well I think you’re handling it perfectly”. I wasn’t sure if I was intruding but just came back to thinking that if it was me, I would have liked some support.
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And for all that very understanding old woman knew, the oldest child could very well have been autistic and having a meltdown. A ‘good smack’ would have done quite the opposite of what she thought it should. Food for thought. There is nothing like having a special needs child to make you never ever judge any tantrum as just a ‘tantrum.
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hehe very true!
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I’ve helped a few old people learn how to use ATM’s! My local shopping centre is not in the safest of suburbs, so on more than one occasion I’ve obviously looked safe enough to be asked for assistance.
I remember helping a woman once, about 10 years ago… one night I was working at the restaurant my boyfriends dad owned. My boyfriend was working in the kitchen and cut his hand, so I drove him to the hospital. I was waiting for ages in the emergency dept (as you do!) and I overheard a woman on a pay phone, I can’t recall now what the conversation was but she souldn’t get back to the caravan park she was staying at. She was a tourist visiting her sister, from memory. She didn’t know offhand the name of the caravan park and didn’t have her purse on her so couldn’t grab a taxi, nor did she have her sisters phone number. She seemed stranded at the hospital so I offered to drive her back. I was about 17, on my P-plates, just a random kid. She didn’t want to put me out but I said it was fine, I was only sitting around anyway.
So I drove her out to the caravan park which was about 15 mins away, it was about 9pm at that stage, and it probably took enormous trust for her to get in a car and be driven by a stranger but I hope that by doing that favour I somehow restored a bit of humanity’s faith in young people!
I’ve had kind men stop to offer help when I’ve had flat tyres before, which is lovely but something I can manage myself. Nice to know theres gentlemen around though.
I also try and save every sick or lost or hurt animal that I come across.
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I was walking towards a woman who was pushing a trolley with her baby in the capsule attached. One of the trolled wheels got stuck in a crack and the trolley tipped over – the baby fell out of the capsule and was tossed onto the ground.
The poor woman was beside herself. She was screaming and crying and just in a state of panick. All the time a man was shouting at her for not strapping the baby in properly (a. he was strapped in, but it looked like it broke. B. it’s happened, deal with it instead of shouting).
I picked up the baby because and handed him back to her – he barely made a sound and even started laughing. Then picked up her groceries and wheeled the trolley back to the car for her. As we walked away, the man was still shouting!
I found out later the baby was fine. But that poor mum is never going to forget the day it happened (my mum still tells the story of my pram flipping over and flinging me down a ramp – explains a lot actually lol). She was already beating herself up enough, she didn’t need someone else doing it for her. Those are the moments when a bit of kindness makes a difference.
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Went to my regular coffee morning with my “Golden Oldies” this morning. I was introduced to the new waitress, a young Korean exchange student. I greeted her into Korean much to her surprise.
She popped a free mini-muffin onto my saucer. “This is my gift to you. I heard you use my language and it made me feel a little less homesick”.
I wish that I’d known how to say thankyou in Korean. English did the trick on this occasion. We agreed that we both loved eating Korean food.
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That’s a lovely story, Bradley.
Thank you is “komapsumnida”. I lived there for a year..but only a few phrases have stuck.
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Which sounds like: kum-sah-hum-nee-dar (kum as in come). You say it quickly, even if the syllables roll into each other a bit. That’s my take on it – I hope native-speakers aren’t cringing!
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Do you only know how to say hello in Korean from watching Arrested Development?
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No. My wife and I regularly go to a Korean restaurant here in Brisbane for lunch. The staff are really friendly and have taught me a few phrases, many of which I can’t get my tongue around.
I always say hello in Korean as we enter the restaurant. I must have the pronounciation down pat because I’m told that they hear me and expect a Korean is coming in rather than an Aussie.
I can talk Korean food fluently !
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Haha!
I totally do.
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Me too!
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I slipped and fell over in a shopping centre the other day and I was so humbled by the number of women (of all different ages, some mums with their prams etc) who rushed over to see if I was ok and to help me up onto my feet. I’ll also never forget the day I had a minor car accident and I was in such shock when I got out of the car I burst into tears and a lovely lady who lived a few doors up from where I was parked saw me came over and comforted me and invited me in for a cup of tea.
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Lovely story, I am so glad someone said such supportive words.
Also, in regards to moving into a new city/town with kids, if you want to meet people I have a few ideas if it helps…
We have moved lots of times and I have a few tried and tested ways to connect.
Make the First Move:
If you go to a playgroup, school, pre school, swimming lesson etc and meet someone you think you may click with after a few weeks ask them out for coffee. If you wait for someone to ask you, you will wait for AGES! You have to make the first move, people want to catch up but (again) are very involved with their own lives and forget that the “nice new mum from swimming” might like to be asked out for a play date or coffee.
Same goes with school age kids, arrange play dates with the kids you and your kids like (for the same reasons, people dont get around to asking you till you are about to move again!). It starts off the whole social ball game and gets you out and about meeting other parents and carers.
I know it sounds like obvious advice, but it takes an active plan to make some new connections in cities where there are so many people yet so few communities open to making you feel welcome with out a little nudge…
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Such great advice – i have moved many times too and you are spot on!
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Great advice, I found hardly anyone says no when you ask them to go for coffee and most people are thrilled you asked. You have to break into peoples lives. The nicest thing about moving is you can be selective on who you approach so you can literally choose to surround yourself with positivity. It will be ok, it is just time x
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Yesterday, I was lost in an unfamiliar suburb. I did a U-turn too quickly. It was borderline reckless. I was trying to get to a particular shop before it closed and a wave of pregnancy nausea was beginning to engulf me. My 2 & 4yo children were in the car with me, losing patience.
It was poor poor judgement. I tried to wave a “sorry” to a couple of observing footpath pedestrians to whom I obviously gave a fright. They shook their heads very disapprovingly. In the case of one man, quite venomously! They were right I know.
Funny, I noticed I felt bad and stupid but I didn’t let it unravel me. For better or worse, in my mind, I had moved on from it after about 15 minutes! A few years ago I would’ve really beaten myself up about that for ohh 36+ hours? Now, it’s like “well that was pretty dumb but surprise surprise I’m not perfect”.
I feel very fortunate that, as a parent, I seem to come across more support than criticism around me.
But when faced with the odd negative / unsupportive experience I’m always really blown away by our capacity to dehumanise and demonise each other.
My first child was a bit of a Houdini and, one day as a 16 month old, escaped across the road and a few houses down! It was only a minute but I was alternatively teary and cross and fearful. The woman who had stopped to gather him up was sooo understanding. She said “I have three kids, it happens! It happens, don’t worry”.
I still thank that woman in my head all the time. Especially after, some time later, I witnessed a man abuse another mother in the exact same situation. As I edged past the incident, I yelled out my car window “It happens, it happens don’t worry I’ve been there!!”
The world can never have enough kindness!
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Or perhaps everyone is just so caught up in their own small lives they are just rude and they do cut you off for no reason, push past you because they are rude, etc etc. I think you are giving people more credit than they deserve. The world is full of self absorbed people. That is why you notice the times someone does something nice.
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And I think you’re not giving them enough!
Those people who are ‘self absorbed’ might not be watching what you’re doing, because they’re thinking about a sick child, or wondering how they are going to pay their mortgage that week. You don’t know.
I think the saying goes “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.
Perhaps you should choose kindness, rather than judging.
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I think the thing though is to imagine yourself giving that person (that cut you off, was rude to you etc) an earful. Then imagine finding out that their husband/ wife died that morning. Think how utterly horrible and small you would feel if that happened. The truth is we can never know what is going on in someone else’s life, and it is a good idea to err on the side of caution. It might not be LIKELY that the person being horrible, rude etc has just had something terrible happen, but it is entirely POSSIBLE. Imagine a good friend in that situation (where they are normally a very self controlled, respective citizen but something terrible happens to them on that one day that then causes them to temporarily not be as considerate as usual to a stranger) and then copping the earful of abuse that you were thinking about delivering. How would you feel about it? The person who is behaving badly is someone’s daughter, wife, husband, son and they might just need some extra understanding that day.
I’m not saying for a moment that you have ever actually given someone an earful! I am just saying ‘you’ for want of a better way to put it. I am just saying that whenever we feel really impatient with the actions of a stranger it is just a good idea to remember that it is POSSIBLE that the person doesn’t usually behave that way, and might have a good reason for their disrespect.
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I feel saddened you feel this way. You will never feel completely happy while you have this outlook on life. It will just make your days harder and more of a battle.
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thanks for providing a different perspective – refreshing! I will try & keep your thoughts in mind next time someone cuts me off or I see another mum in a difficult situation with her kids
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I love this post. It’s so nice to hear about simple human kindness.
This week I experienced my own act of kindness from a stranger. I had just brought my son home from the doctor when my home phone rang. The caller ID displayed my mobile phone number. A young woman had found my mobile phone on the street and was calling me to let me know. I hadn’t even had a chance to realise it was missing, but apparently it had fallen out of my handbag in the main street of our suburb.
When I met Ally (the young woman) to collect the phone she totally refused any sort of reward despite me begging her to let me pay for the lunch I had interrupted or to even shout her a coffee. She said she was happy to do it and it was no big deal.
I was so grateful to her for making the effort to find me. I run a small business and my mobile is my main point of contact for clients. It would have been a major drama for me if I’d lost it.
So thank you, Ally. I hope the universe rewards you in some small way
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the other day i pulled my car over to help a man who had fallen out of his wheelchair, with his 4 year old daughter trying to help him up. when i got back in the car, my 4yr old asked “why didnt all those other cars stop mum?” never be too busy to help out someone, i replied…. and we carried on our day.. 3 days later i got a flat tyre, stranded on the side of the road, this nice man came out from his house and changed it for me. how nice. i returned later that day with a 6pack of beers! he declinded but said “pay it forward” my 4 yr old asked what he ment. i explained and she said….never be to busy to help out someone in need…our actions teach our children more than our words..
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Beautiful sentiment and beautiful story, how lucky your daughter is! Thanks for sharing!
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This is something very dear to my heart, as, at a macro level, it’s all about creating strong and resilient communities and having high levels of trust and this in turn has many, many flow on benefits like high levels of safety. It’s an area that I used to work in.
As many people have commented, it’s so important to realise how the smallest things like a smile or a friendly comment don’t cost us anything but can make a huge difference in someone else’s life.
When I lived in Melbourne I really enjoyed the daily interactions on the trams/at the footy etc. I found that on the whole, people were more than willing to give up seats and help others. My observation is that in some ways the sense of community is stronger in bigger cities (and not smaller towns as most often quoted, I have lived in both) as there are more opportunities for social interactions.
I am really proud to come from a family where these little day to day things are done as second nature. My dad (who works in the racing industry) was recently telling me that when he gets free tickets to the local races he goes and knocks on the door of a family who lives close by and offers them the tickets as they have an adult disabled son who enjoys going to the races. And my mum is a hairdresser who takes the paper to elderly or unwell clients if they can’t get out and about and does their hair when they’re in hospital.
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I live in Melbourne too but don’t have the same sentiment about public transport. People look the other way when those board a train or tram who need a seat or need a hand getting on or off the tram.
When I was pregnant I boarded a peak hour tram and no one offered me a seat. However, when I fainted from low blood pressure people were suddenly offering water and assistance, which was much appreciated.
I don’t know how many times I have helped a mother get a pram on or off public transport, even whilst pregnant – because no one else would! They are always so grateful and it doesn’t take much effort to help out. Very few people have returned the favour, unfortunately.
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Amy oh my thank you, how bizarre this pretty much happened to me this morning, with my 6 year old having a melt down over not going to the school book parade as he had to go to the doctor and I forgot all about the parade when I booked in the time!!!!! While feeling like the wosrt mother on earth, he wouldn’t dressed, get in the car, fighting with me and his brother. Which of course continued with me dragging him in with my 3 month old, 3 year old and a out od control 6 year old. I am about to loose the plot and of course the place is packed with eyes on me, judging. I want to melt in the ground while they fight and cry. I just want to lay on the floor and cry myself!! As I am asked to wait another room, my son
kicks the water….and all I hear is learn to control your kids!!!!!! All I want to do is scream
you have no idea’ but I just run and die of embarrassment and try hard to hold back the
tears burning in my eyes….
My 6 year old is never like he was very upset, I wanted him to keep it together like I was. Hardly. But Are people scared of real emotions, we are very uncomfortable when someone is
Upset. We are ok at arms length with someone up set, like talking about on face book or on sites like this. Where you can vent and talk, some poeople want to help out others will be like whoa calm down.
Do we only like to hear about when we are happy, anything else is awkward or uncomfortable to people.
And I am too finding my way in the dark of a new town, how do you explain to strangers you aren’t having such a great day, oh I just had a baby so I am really tired and pretty much loosing my mind. No we go and out the happy face on and then ring my mum but dint want to worry her because he is so far away.
Either way just be kind to one another!!!
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Sounds like a fun day i hope it got better xxx If you are in Melb take deep breaths some of us are really nice. Oh i found this it made laugh out loud
see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!
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Sounds like you had a day of FUN!!! I hope that it all starts to turn a corner for you soon. If you’re in Melbs some of us are really nice xxx
this picture made me laugh i though t=you might enjoy the giggle no religious over tones meant BTW
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Thanks for sharing. I think you’re right. we are uncomfortable with emotion. It’s embraced in the context of an Oprah episode but not in a doctor’s waiting room. I know I’m uncomfortable showing it myself.
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Who the hell says that to a Mother holding a 3 month old?! I wish I had of been there, sheesh they’re kids not Gaddafi!
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Thank you for your kind words made me smile, see total strangers can just make your day. And fancy I was coming back to delete my post as everyone has theses lovely kind acts and I am whinging away…..but in saying that I felt so much better. I didn’t think about it for the rest of the day…..the cats were so funny thanks missamoo
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I’m an unfit 36yo mum who has just taken up running in preparation for my first triathlon in November. Most people could walk faster than I ‘run’.
This morning I was shuffling around my local lake with a fractious 3yo in the pram and I was battling my internal monologue screaming at me to stop and walk.
Another woman came running towards me, she gave me two thumbs up and called “good job!”
I smiled and kept running…
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I had two shopping bags of tinned baby foods all with at least 6 months use by date and didn’t know what to do with them. I drove to a shopping centre located in a public housing estate and gave them to a young girl who had a family of 5 small children. It made her day she was so thankful and could not believe someone would give her this. It was such a tiny thing to me but I could tell it was a huge thing for her.
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my 15 year old son was waiting for his bus on the way to school one morning in the pouring rain and a stranger stopped and gave him an umbrella!! it gives you faith and hope that the world is still good!!
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Sometimes when I get caught walking in the pouring rain I hope someone will do this for me, but they never do. It’s so nice to hear that people do actually do that!
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There’s no happiness greater than bringing happiness to someone else, I reckon. It’s good for your soul.
Love and light all round
Sxxx
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Im sitting here almost crying at the thought of that wonderful woman saying that to you, and thinking how often I would have loved to hear those words from people I know, let alone a stranger! You are right in saying that it is just so rare, but can be so powerful. I have had strangers give me unwanted advice over the psat 19 months since my daugther has been born, and even family and friends, wouldnt it be nice to have something positive to say to people like the woman in the supermarket did. Mind you, it would have made me cry to recieve such kindness, but it would have been appreciated too.
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Amy – had to comment after reading your post as it is wonderful when little acts of kindness touch you during the day and we should all do it more often. It is with kids in public spaces that we can pushed to the point of disowning our own and when someone even gives you a smile to say I understand, its not easy, rather than the stare or glare of horror – it just helps that little bit. On a similar note I must share my neighbourly kindness this week (yes it does still exist!). We have just moved house and we had the old lady 2 doors down deliver a freshly baked cake to welcome us and the young kids on the block write us a welcome card with beautiful drawings. In saying that, it made up for the outburst by the old man next door who bit our heads off when we thought it would be nice to take his fallen over garbage bins off the road and deliver them to his gate! What I have to remind myself and I try to explain to our kids, as you mentioned, is that maybe he was having a bad day or is unhappy – we cannot assume that everyone is happy or thinking straight all the time! To sign off, I must just say that the 2 of moments this week that filled me with joy was assisting a lady in a wheelchair who asked me to help her open her mailbox and sitting with the kids making thank you cards for our neighbours – It’s little moments like this that focus you on the present and what is important in life which is why we should all offer such gestures more often
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Reading your article I was reminded of a wonderful quote I try to act upon each day – “Be kinder than necessary, as everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” The lady in the supermarket’s kind words were a great example of this.
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This is one of my favourite quotes too.
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Beautifully put.
Claire McFee
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I was struggling the other day with 3 kids and a stroller getting onto a bus. The bus driver not only waited, she jumped out of her seat, came over and lifted the stroller, folded it, and put it in the rack for me, then waited till I was seated with the kids before driving off. What a woman.
On the same bus route, I’ve had people go out of their way to be helpful by moving seats so that the kids and I could all sit together, playing peek a boo with the baby, letting my 4 year old press the button for our stop, helping carry the stroller on or off the bus, etc etc. I am very rarely left to cope on my own. I love public transport!
On another note, I was once dealing with a major tantrum by my eldest, while the baby was screaming and I was at my wits’ end. A lovely woman in her seventies came up, laid a hand on my arm and just said “you’re obviously a wonderful mum”! So nice! And just today at playgroup I managed to keep my temper with my quite provoking nearly 2 year old, and a woman I don’t know said ” nice work, mum of the year”. People are great.
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An hour ago I left the office of my new psychologist and as I was walking down the stairs I stupidly multi-tasked walking with checking a text message. I missed the last two stairs and tumbled into the waiting room below. A lady was sitting there with two small kids and simply asked me, “Are you ok?” and she looked genuinely concerned and it made me smile and giggle at my own clumbsiness, pick myself up and keep going.
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I agree with the original post that a lot of people are too busy on their phones/computers to connect with people right next to them.
A man on the crowded tram this morning struggled to hop off with his walking frame while all of the people near him & waiting at the tram stop ignored him while ‘iphoning’.
My son has autism so our experiences in the supermarkets & other places can be very interesting – as mentioned in a previous MM post he isn’t necessarily able to control his behaviour in the sensory overloaded supermarket (and no I can’t leave them at home as one person suggested) but it is so lovely when somebody smiles, tries to engage him or just asks if you neeed a hand.
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my 6 year old nephew has autism and my sister in law has recently started having her groceries delivered – for an extra $5. just sharing our experience
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While I like Anonymous’ home delivery suggestion, I give my son with autism the shopping list! If he’s pre-reading you can make up a picture shopping list. I also let my son choose when we go, and count him down to leaving. He is also responsible for picking out fruit and veg (meaning I usually do half the aisles, then he starts to meltdown, so we’ll do the fruit, then we’ll go back to aisles).
Putting a shopping list on your phone satisfies the distraction and love of technology that many ASD kids have.
I hope this helps. Until my son got to an age where I could somewhat reason with him I frequently left the supermarket in tears.
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My grandson is also Autistic, and the only way he can express his feelings is to scream (very loudly) My daughter has had people in shops make very insulting comments about her abilities as a parent. I told her that she should say….”he is Autistic. What is your excuse?”