Mothers all over Australia are tearing their hair out trying to manage the hormonal changes happening to their once tender boys. This smelly, grunting, obnoxious teenager is a far cry from her little sweet boy that once allowed her to smoother him with kisses. Now all he seemingly wants to do is eat, masturbate and play computer games. These moments are only disrupted with outbursts of anger and frustration.
So what does a boy want? In working with teenage boys for over 12 years I have complied a list of my top eight tips to help mums give their boys what they are really after.
1. Surround him with great examples of honourable men both past and present. Young men will usually gravitate to images of strong powerful men such as Batman or Superman or GI Joe. But teach them also about men who were powerful not just because of their brute strength but because of their determination, creative and integrity.
2. Teach him how to communicate about how he is feeling. Ninety-three per cent of all prisoners in this country are men. I am convinced most of them are in that situation because they never learnt to count to ten before acting. Teach him how to communicate what he is feeling and instil it in him from a young age.
3. Let him explore. Boys need adventure they need to be outside playing next to creeks and wandering in the wilderness. Yet in our nation our backyards have shrunk and our theatre rooms have expanded. Take every chance you get to allow him to wander outdoors.
4. Help him understand what a wrong concept is. Statistics say that on average teenage boys spend six minutes in the presence of their fathers and 14 seconds in meaningful conversation a day. By the same token teenage boys are averaging four hours a day in front of the TV or internet. With that much media exposure he needs to be taught about what is a right and wrong concept. Don’t allow the media to teach your son values. There is a clear divide occurring in this nation. On one side there are the boys who are being raised by active engaged parents, then there are those being raised by the media.
5. In his teenage years let him break away. He will at some point during adolescence want to cut the proverbial umbilical cord. Let him. He needs to be led to the door of manhood by other men but he has to open and go through the door alone.
6. Affirm his Masculinity. Don’t castrate it. A father’s role is to impart to his son honourable masculinity and a mum’s role is to affirm it. Encourage him in his quest to develop his masculinity and help him understand that it is good not evil. Being masculine is about being respectable, strong, kind and emotionally intelligent. Affirm those qualities and shun the negatives.
7. Help him understand what a great woman is and be that example. You are the first woman he will fall in love with. He will judge all future women by your example. Show him what it means to be a great woman.
8. Communicate with him by doing. If you want to talk to him. Sit down with him and play computer games. Go for a run with him. He will tell you things during those moments you have never heard. Be prepared for long moments of silence punctuated by small moments of oratory brilliance.
Lastly let me say to every mum out there just in case nobody has ever told you. You are doing a fantastic job. Remember as grown up as they might seem they are just kids and will occasionally say and do stupid things. But when they are sick, hurt or in trouble they don’t want their friends they want their mum and dad. You are truly the most important people in their life even though sometimes they may not show it.
Glen A Gerreyn is the founder of Oxygen Factory he speaks to 100,000 teenagers annually in schools across Australia. Men of Honour – A young man’s guide to exercise, nutrition, money, drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography and masturbation, is his latest book. Available here and at most Bookstores.
What is the most difficult part of raising a man? Have you got any questions that you would like to ask Glen?
Comments
64 Comments so far
“six minutes in the presence of their fathers and 14 seconds in meaningful conversation a day… four hours a day in front of the TV or internet.”
That is terrifying and a gross disservice to that teenager who was just recently your little boy…
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I feel like you’ve been peering through my windows this week. I needed to read this article more than I’ve needed anything in a long time. I feel better already knowing that both my beautiful 14 year old bit and myself are ‘normal’. I will take onboarb the advice and soldier on!!!
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Raising boys is such a big issue for many parents. For those who are in Melbourne and are interested, a great breakfast seminar is on that has information on mentoring with key speaker David Parkin (former AFL coach) who will share his experience with mentoring boys through his AFL career.
http://www.anglicarevic.org.au/
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I had to have a chortle at this line as this is something I have definitely struggled with in regards to my 16 year old son. After the break-up of my marriage, my two eldest children moved out and I moved into a flat with my 16 year old. He automatically thought this was a sign he now ‘shared’ a flat with me rather than living under my roof. I was not impressed and it has taken us six months to come to some sort of arrangement where he has his (perceived) freedom whilst I have a general idea of where he is and what he is doing.
He is a very talented musician and plays at the pubs and busks around town, thankfully we live in a small city and there is a level of freedom he can have that I would struggle to negotiate with him in a larger city. He actually paid me a compliment the other day and told me, ‘Mum, you let me live my life.’ Still not sure that was a compliment or maybe I should start hovering but I think it’s because I have stopped asking him what he wants for dinner every night, and now firmly believe that McDonalds and Subway encompass the five food groups somewhere within their menu.
http://www.girlvswild.com
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Great article. Thanks for publishing it and please do more like this. I hear so many negative about boys and men . My son is 18 and although the cuddles and kisses are long gone, I really love being in his company. It is interesting about spending time with fathers. We gave the kids a table tennis table for Christmas and there isn’t a day that goes by when my son doesn’t challenge his father to a game. A very worthwhile investment.
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thanks for that! As a mother of an 11 year old boy who is certainly showing signs of the teenage years to come it was some good advice but also good to see read some of the things I do now or plan to do be reaffirmed. I grew up with sisters and this is really my first experience with a boy entering manhood so sometimes I feel like I’m making it up as I go along
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Has this article been copy-edited? Grammar fails and typos galore..
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fantastic article! would love to hear more from glen in the future!
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Great Article, loved it
Thanks for saying you are doing a fantastic job, no-one ever says that to me.
As a new mum I feel constantly criticised and told what to do
Is wonderful to read some real advice for once, thank-you Glen
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fabulous work Glen
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Glen Gerreyn did a seminar at my son’s school last year – very impressed with his approach, his style, his mentoring approach. He really appeals to teenage boys and he makes sense to them. If your son has an opportunity to get Glen’s message and inspiration, grab them by the hand and run towards him as quickly as you can!
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Just outstanding! Thanks Glen. More please.
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Fabulous article – I woud love to see more from Glen!
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I just went and gave my 7 year old a cuddle and smothered him in kisses while I still can.
I am sad already for the future and having to let him go.
Thanks for the great advice.
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I did the same thing to my toddler – little boys grow up so fast!
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me too – and mines only 6 months old! I just love my little boy so much and want him to grow to be a beautiful man
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Don’t be sad – I have twin 17 year old boys, and while there are things that I miss about them being older, there are things that make their growing up so exciting – they are so much more interesting, fabulous and wonderful now than they were as little boys. It’s also not true that all boys just grunt – my two talk all the time and are sensitive and happy in their parents’ company. The work you put in when they are little will repay itself bigtime when they are older, and if the have a good dad helps unbelievably as well!
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Great tips Glenn, thank you! I have a question and anyone who can help – feel free to respond. My husband and I are “sharers” we volunteer information and talk about feelings – always have. Our son who is almost 9 on the other hand plays his cards very close to his chest. Getting information about feelings is almost impossible. it seems to be a secretive thing more than not being in touch. How do I help him see that talking and sharing can be liberating and healing? The main one I got from Lana I think is to lie in the dark and talk – going to try that and see what happens! Any other ideas?
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One strategy I find works really well with my 17 year old son is discussing the actions, feelings and motivations of a character from a movie, TV show or, dare I say it … a book. We have been doing this since he was a child. All I need to do is ask a suitable provoking question which can be as simple as; ‘what was that guy thinking?’ Of course it is important to time questions appropriately so they seem ‘off the cuff’ and non-judgemental – we often have lively discussions in the car or over dinner.
I use similar strategies with my students at school.
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the car is a great place to chat! I find my son asks me lots of questions he may otherwise be embarressed to ask when we are driving in the car together. Maybe its because we are not looking each other in the eye or that I am slightly preoccupied by the road but it all comes out there. We also never discuss those discussions outside of the car or with anyone else. Almost like “whats said in the car, stays in the car”
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There is companionship in a car and it is easy to open up and share things. All parents should send their kids to school atleast 10kms away from home! lol
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Thank you Glen, having said goodnight to my grumpy snappy 12 year old boy who is also my delightful clever and kind 12 year old boy, I needed something like this tonight.
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Very similar sentiments to an oldie, but a goodie, “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph.
One boy down…2 more to go. Eldest By went through a shocking “surly” stage where I was obviously an idiot. The thing that got us through was giving him space sometimes, expecting him to act and treating him like an adult and communicating.
Driving is when we talk. Even when it was one sided. Now he talks back.
I love my son.
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The points in this article are very true observations, they work!
Excellent.
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Thank you Glen. Being the mother to my teenage son is a joy. Quality information and guidance on raising boys to be healthy young men is welcome, particularly today when there is so many influences (both positive and negative) beyond parental control (or knowledge for that matter).
We mainly want to instill in him the notion of respect, worth and thoughtfulness and hopefully he will continue to make good choices.
I will certainly purchase your book. Thanks for the great article.
Does anyone know of a book by Sam DeBrito regarding adolescent years, I’ve heard of it but am not sure to what age it is pitched.
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Just read “the Lost boys” by Sam DeBrito thought it was for teenage boys, after reading it not so sure….. maybe i’m just a prude? if so i think 16-17+
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Amazing book & article. It really is the simple things in life that gives the most. Everything you say Glen is common sense but how quickly we forget. You inspire me to be a better parent. Hardest thing I’m going to find is letting go of my baby boys so they can grow into strong honorable men!
Thx Glen
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This is a great article – thank you. I think most of it applies to my daughters as much as my son.
Numbers 1 and 7 are great – I have never thought about deliberately surrounding them with great role models (we talk about things but never deliberately about certain people like that). And further inspiration to be great myself to help all my children.
Number 5 is the hardest – letting go. I am aware it’s coming (especially with eldest child at 14) and have always believed in ‘give them roots and wings’ but it isn’t easy. I find scouting is a great way to let them go a bit though – independence from me in a safe place.
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I agree that although some of this is phrased so as to be about boys, really most of it can be applied to girls. Role models, outdoor play, giving space and spending time with them. I think all of these are particularly true given the pressure on girls nowadays from such an early age re:their looks.
My parents did most of this BUT I really wish they would have given me more examples of great women from the past (and present) to look up to. I ended up stumbling across them on my own late in high school when I became a history nerd and then some great fictional role models when I got into sci-fi.
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Fantastic article Glen, I hope this is able to be spread far and wide!
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I heard Glen on the radio and had wanted his book. Now will definitely get it. I have a horrible feeling I have fallen prey to the nagging monster a couple of times too many. My 10yo has even asked me to ‘stop going on about it’. Is it too late to model a different female persona? I am not sure I would want my son to end up with me!
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I have read this book, and the message it spreads is a great positive one teaching males to think more about what and how they do do things and giving great examples. I definitely recommend this book for males both young and old.
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Wow, anyone else get a huge shiver when thinking of this ‘great divide’ Glen mentions .
Imagine the ugliness & pettiness these ‘children raised by the media’ imbibe
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What a great article! I have 3 boys and the oldest has just turned 12 so we’re right on the cusp of teenage angst. I will be printing this out and referring back to it. Thanks Mamamia!
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Great article! I feel like I am a step closer to understanding my male students!
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Great article, and I will be purchasing the book.
I was raised in a home with four brothers – and hindsight is a wonderful thing (of what NOT to do).
I now have two teenage boys, who most of the time are a delight to be around. The rest of the time they are drifting in and out of the neanderthal era and I sometimes feel I have to learn a second language just to communicate.
I read and have recommended another book “He’ll be OK” by Celia Lashlie – and after reading it I “fell in love with my sons all over again”.
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Great tips I have 2 boys! I’ve also read a book called “he’ll be ok growing gorgeous boys into good men” which has the same ideas as above! One of my favorite tips from the book is to make statements to boys not ramble on about something you don’t want them to do! Eg: “when you do such and such I worry about you and hope you will be safe” and leave it at that Instead of why do you do that you know I worry why can’t you do this instead blah blah blah” when they are in those few seconds of maybe making the wrong decision the statement is more likely to come to them rather than the (and I hate this word) nagging!! (this works with husbands too
)
Id love to see Similar one for girls (im 10 weeks shy of bringing one into the world) because regardless of what some people may think boys and girls learn differently and process differently its just human nature!!
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I reckon my girls responded beautifully to all 10 of those approaches too.
Why are we so obsessed with difference?
Vive la similarite, I say.
Sensible, loving parenting is sensible, loving parenting regardless of the gender of the child or the parent.
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Speaking from experience, there is a lot of difference. Boys are far more likely to indulge in risk taking behaviour (example: my own son surfing in dangerous seas, scaling cliffs to get to the secret surf spot, fishing on slippery rocks and slicing leg open…I could go on…)
Also, re point no. 8 – it’s far easier to talk to side by side to boys – e.g. my best conversations with my son are when I’m giving him a driving lesson. He has nowhere to escape
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That’s funny, as a girl I had a lot of exposure to the bush and I loved swimming in bush rivers, climbing steep inclines, climbing fences, climbing trees, obviously I liked climbing a lot, but also things like observing poisonous snakes, sliding down rocks into river pools, always taking the most dangerous track, etc. etc. And yet in the end I never broke a bone or had an injury I couldn’t handle. Kids (boys and girls) love getting outdoors and running around and exploring. Some more than others but in my experience I wasn’t the only girl who loved this stuff. Give them the chance and girls will often act like boys. Tell them they’re ‘girls’ and ‘little ladies’ so shouldn’t, and they won’t. Children take a lot of spoken and unspoken hints from adults.
Addition: The same goes for boys, many of whom prefer to be indoors with houses or prams than outdoors, but who will take the hint if an older boy or grown up gives him a ‘what the’ look where the girls playing with the same toys don’t. I also think boys need to be encouraged to read more and be still from time to time, same as I think girls should be given the opportunity to play/get dirty more.
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It wasn’t hanging out in the bush or swimming I was talking about – it was risk taking behaviour.
The examples of my son are pretty tame really – but boys take horrific risks that girls rarely take – like speeding at 200kph with a car full of mates or leaping from a hotel balcony two floors up into a swimming pool, train surfing….that sort of stuff. It’s a minority of boys, sure, but it’s still testosterone fuelled scary stuff.
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I grew up in an all girl household and am now living in a household of boys (except me), and they are totally different worlds in my experience.
Also most of my friends with daughters seem to have a lot more info volunteered to them than those of us with sons. This is primary age though, I haven’t been through the teen years yet.
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Thanks so much for this article Glen. I grew up with only sisters and I am now a mum to 3 boys so I welcome advice like this, as I feel I still have a lot to learn about boys.
Although we haven’t hit the teen years yet, I can really relate to number 8 – my almost 8 year old is hard to get anything out of if I ask him questions directly. Perhaps I need to take a different approach.
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I am one of 3 girls and between us we have 5 boys (no girls!).
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Agree in principle. I am a 32 year old husband and father of 4 and am practically unable to communicate at all with regard to feelings/fears/hopes etc. It is fine to show teens examples of ‘masculinity’ but never ever should there be a negative spin on vulnerability.
Most men I know wear a ‘masculine’ mask and hide behind humor and some of the most honorable, respectful, hard-working and friendly men I know are emotionally fractured and prone to bouts of crippling self-doubt, self-loathing and uncertainty.
Is it in part because we are expected to be something?
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Beautifully said. I’m VERY cautious of any writing/teaching that sets up predefined gender attributes. I don’t think Glen is doing this, but whenever we talk about ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ being ‘this’ or ‘that’ we potentially marginalise a lot of people and create more ‘otherness’.
THAT said – I really enjoyed this piece, and to the reader who felt re-inspired as a parent, it was worth it for that alone. And if all you take away as a parent is that the gravity of your task is acknowledged, then take it. Put it in your pocket for the next time you find yourself talking to a slammed door.
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I even find the final one important with my six year old. Ask him about his day on the way home- nothing! Ask him during the bed time routine and I get a flood of information. Not sure if this is just putting off bed time?
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Yes, me too. I lie with my 11 year old son before he goes to sleep and he tells me everything that happened during his day. I know that he is just putting off going to sleep but I am not complaining.
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Lana I do the same with my 10 year old boy and we have some great conversations lying there in the dark.
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Absolutely agree. My teen son and adult daughter who live at home wait up for me to get home, sometimes at 11.30 pm. We have great bed conferences with M&M’s
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I lie with my 10yo as many nights as I can because a friend’s boy has refused cuddling or any type of touching since YEAR 3. He won’t let her kiss him hello/goodbye and flinches if she reaches to touch his shoulder or whatever. The horror! She’s pretty devastated as you can imagine. So I’m getting in as many snuggles as I can before my boy, too, starts the no touching thing, even if it’s never as extreme as in my friend’s case (touchwoodtouchwoodtouchwood).
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One of my brothers went years without hugging mum… as the much older sister, I would just hug him regardless. He’d stand there, like a statue. One day, he started hugging mum again. He’s grown into a lovely man, so sensitive, and he will even hug our younger sister if she really needs one. It just takes time and persistence!
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My sons are grown now but exactly the same thing. Ask ‘how was your day’ and you don’t get much detail but come time for bed they are ready to talk. I don’t know why it’s that way, just is.
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Thank you Glen. I am printing and laminating this!
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This is a great post.
I agree – we need to encourage young men to have more pride and understanding about their masculinity.
I would also add things like just because gender-inequality still exists doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be successful. Be ambitious and strive for greatness if you want to.
I also think we need to teach our boys about looking after their health…when you’re a young man, you feel like superman…I know what I was like…I didn’t visit the doctors or go to dentist for about 20 years…maybe a check-up once in a while would have spotted something I wasn’t aware of….I was lucky that I was pretty healthy, but who knows..
http://kikiandtea.com/2012/03/things-tell-my-son/
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Cannot agree more. My father has teeth missing and black and refuses to go to the dentist. It took 5 years for us to talk him into seeing an optometrist when his vision had obviously deteriorated. I honestly that boys need to be raised to not be ashamed to seek help! There is nothing wrong with asking somebody if you don’t understand something, or asking someone to check on X for you, or mentioning if something feels wrong with your body, even if you’re pretty sure it’s nothing.
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Seriously guys, this is getting nuts. There was an article days back on how tough boys are to raise, and now another. Terrible, evil males that need to be shown the way by upstanding women. Like teenage girls are all sugar and spice. Mm is getting a seriously warped gender angle, it is a real worry.
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I don’t see anywhere in this article where it says boys are terrible or evil. Rather I just see it as offering advice on how to raise boys. Advice which you can choose to take or not? I like the idea of discussing how to communicate with children and how to help them be the best they can be.
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Anon was referring to the article from ‘days back’ with the terrible/evil (I thought that was clear). Basically he/she was saying several days ago there was an article on how boys need to be tamed and now there is an almost contradictory article on how they need to embrace the testosterone.
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Wow, I’m not sure where you got that from? I found it incredibly affirming and positive. THe initial comments about a “smelly grunting teenager” relate more to the challenges of raising a teenager than anything gender specific. I encourages mums to embrace their sons’ masculinity and to be a positive role model for them. I loved it.
Although I might add that I’m never going to need this advice because my divine, sweet smelling, curly-headed, chubby, loving little toddler is never going to become a smelly, grunting teenager anyway.
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I fail to find the words “Terrible, evil males” anywhere in this article. Are you reading the same page?
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I really appreciate articles like these – sometimes because they affirm my instinctive approach to parenting my two boys, sometimes because they remind me of things that I once knew but had forgotten and sometimes because they highlight things that would never had occurred to me. Articles like this don’t appeal to my need to be the superior, superhuman woman, rescuing her poor, evil wayward sons…and I must admit that I fail to understand how this could be anyone’s take out message from this article.
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Are you kidding me? This is a very positive article!
I think YOU are a negative person and have seen this article through cynical eyes.
I loved it, and will be printing it out for my husband to also read, and in a couple of years will be buying the book as my son reaches 10.
Thanks for the great advice, Glen.
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I disagree. I am an only child and my son doesn’t have a dad. I need all the help I can get in understanding what makes boys and men tick!
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