Shankari
Last week my 6 year old son Secundo, stood up in assembly and said: “That concludes our assembly. Please wait quietly for your teacher.” It was one of the proudest moments in my life. Until recently, Secundo suffered from selective mutism and the challenge of speaking to people sparked an anxiety attack which rendered him “mute”.
No one will thank me for my part in this small victory. On the contrary, Tercero (my three year old son) told me he hated me the whole way home because he didn’t like the way I put his seatbelt on. I won’t receive any awards and recognition and I certainly won’t be paid for it.
Indeed, according to the Prime Minister of Denmark, I am actually wasting my education and career by choosing to be a stay-at-home mum. I hear you sigh: not another article by a militant stay-at-home-mum. No, please keep reading.
My education, career and intellect shape my mothering every day. I mother like a lawyer – I have checklists for the children and flowcharts and SMART objectives for me. The children know about social justice and the responsibilities of citizenship. I teach them to negotiate their own settlements and do their homework by the close of business.
I also used to lawyer like a mother, with multi-tasking and time management skills that outperform the KPI’s of any law firm. I have enormous patience (for partners that constantly behave like three year olds) and a deeper concern and empathy for the future wellbeing of my clients. Being a mother has made me a better lawyer, and being a lawyer has made me a better mother. Until recently, I managed both these careers concurrently. For the last 2 years, I have been a full time stay-at-home mum.
Am I wasting my education by investing it and myself into my children’s development – a task no one else is more qualified to do? I don’t think so. Am I overqualified for the task? You obviously haven’t met my four children. The value of my education can’t be assessed or quantified, any more than we are able to assess or quantify the value of motherhood, despite the endless debates on the matter.
I find motherhood, and in particular teaching my children and watching them become confident, independent people, very satisfying. It is exciting, interesting and challenging to help them realise their potential. I find the relentless domestic servitude of motherhood exhausting and the lack of social recognition (from any one other than stay-at-home mums and child psychologists) disappointing.
And I find the criticism of others, as well as my own intermittent self-criticism, confusing. Nobody seems to mind when PhDs become school teachers.
Apparently the Prime Minister of Denmark is very clever. She’s worked out that feminism is a social, institutional and legal change that enables women to make the same choices as men, whilst enjoying the same freedom from judgement, recrimination and retribution as men. She’s even clever enough to tell us what our choices should be.
Obviously I’m not that clever because I missed the bit in feminism where women are allowed to judge the hell out of each other when they exercise the rights and opportunities that feminism has afforded them.
When the Prime Minister recently slapped it to educated, full-time stay-at-home mothers in Britain, they rose up in arms to extol the virtues of their choices. However, in defending those choices, these mothers again judged those that had chosen differently.
If they’re all so clever, why are they still arguing over the false dichotomy between working and motherhood? All this seems to do is set women against each other – couldn’t we all just agree that:
- mothering, working and every combination in between, are valuable to society; and
- in a world where millions of women still strap their children to their backs and head off to work, having a choice is a privilege.
The recent debate has engaged some of the brightest minds in Britain and Denmark. I think that instead of criticising educated stay-at-home mums, these minds should think about how to make parenting more socially valued, not just in the playground (where everyone already knows the words to that song) but back in the workforce where real change is required. Despite the Prime Minister’s personal views, Denmark actually seems to do quite a good job of this already, with some of the more progressive policies in Europe. Share the love Denmark. And instead of criticising parents that want (or have) to go back to work, these minds should think about how to help parents make the transition and respect their personal balance, wherever it may lie.
And finally, I think both sides, and every one in between, should leave each other alone, otherwise you’re all going to get a time out.
Shankari Chandran is a recent returner after ten years in London. Formerly a social justice lawyer, Shankari chronicles the day-to-day of her family’s return on her blog.
Comments
166 Comments so far
I love you! Thank you for putting my deliberating mind at ease for now. I had agreed to go back to work after #2 who is almost 6 months old. I’ve loved my time home second time around with my two children…and didn’t want to go back, then agreed to, and now revoked my decision. The whole time I played good mum/bad mum in my head…as it turned out it was me giving me a hard time about wasting my education – yes I will lose a senior position but I can use this time to study and up skill and hopefully teach my kids a thing or two as well!
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Now that I finally got to read both articles (yours and the UK one) I feel like a have more of a “whole picture” about this issue. I realise that what bothers me about this debate is the fact that each side thinks their kids will not develop as well if… the mum does or does not stay at home! That somehow it is a ‘life changing’ decision! (for the children, more than for the mum) And I do not believe it is, at least not for the typical child. I guess it is more about the idea that there is never a ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to education matters. So there is not such things as an “equation” that reads stay-at-home mum = fantastic kids. It is my opinion that children adapt to whatever parents decide to do with their professional lives and that it should all be about what us (parents) feel comfortable doing in relation to that.
I also do not think that anybody ever wastes their education. Nobody could “unteach” us what we have learned, right? Our knowledge and skills are always evolving anyway.
For me, regardless of whether I work or not, the most important thing in my children’s education is that they become RESILIENT (that would be my measure of “success” and not the fact they get into a particular university or get incredible academic results). And there is just so many ways in which they might get there… That is why I decide the best thing for all of us is to make myself happy by going back to work!
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Like your remark about child psychologist (agree). What society should value more is the investment in our kids (ie rearing them like you do).
It makes for a better society in the future!
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I was really enjoying your article, until I got to your judgement of those who have a PhD and then become teachers. You surely can’t be suggesting that teaching is a waste of a post-grad education!?!?!?
I think the other aspect of the SAHM vs working mother is whether or not you ‘can have it all’. I have juggled family life and children with being a very busy Headteacher. In just under three months I will leave having taken the decision that not only can I not have it all, but that my career decisions have impacted negatively on my children. My brain has been active, I have made the most of my education, I have juggled in true 21st century style, but at a considerable cost. So in July, it’s goodbye teaching and hello SAHM. Colleagues say I will be bored, but I don’t think they see what I don’t get to do and be part of at home. It’s time I focused on my family. My heart breaks when I think of what I haven’t done with them over the last ten years. It has been liberating to say ENOUGH!!!!
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Good for you! I feel exactly the same way. I hope you enjoy the change. Oh, and like you, I really liked the article, but the teacher comment annoyed me.
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Hiya, I was suggesting the exact opposite. Sorry that didn’t come through. I think the more educated our teachers are the better it is for the kids. So having a PhD is most certainly not wasted on teaching and nurturing children at school. My point is that most people would agree with me on that to the point where they would not even think about/register a PhD as being wasted on teaching children, but mothering is seen by some as wasting one’s education. Again, I disagree – I love being a SAHM for the most part and feel my education helps me contribute something really important to my little ones. Interestingly, one of the readers who did have a PhD, and knew what I meant, felt that other academics were actually very critical of PhDs becoming teachers, which is a shame. best wishes Shankari
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Thanks for clarifiying. Now I like all of the article.
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Wonderful post. I think you are doing an amazing job by using your education and experience to raise 4 smart and beautiful children……. Your time and knowledge are the best gift you can give your children.
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Im a mother too and have been able to do both. stay at home or work and in reality i did find that staying at home was a waste of time for me. But each to their own. Personally i want my daughter to have a choice when it’s her time but i also want to show her that i have been able to teach her, look after her, clean her, play with her and all the things that parents do and also have a career which i love. I hope that she took can work hard in her career and not think that she needs to give it up because she has chosen to have children… but again that is my view and i respect what all parents choose to do for their families.
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Excellent article. I often get the same comments because I chose to become a teacher. I initially studied Business and was successful in the Business world, but always wanted to be a teacher. Many of my former co workers looked down on this decision. I love what I do! However, no longer can you be home by 4:30pm as stated in another comment, I am rarely home before 6 (and I live within 15 mins drive), however I do get to spend the holidays with the children and it is priceless. I did stay at home for 4 years as a SAHM and I think it’s the best decision I ever made, the years before the children start school are so important for their development, I wanted to be there. It was difficult, and I often found myself yearning for an intelligent conversation, so I did go back to work part time when my youngest was three and although I loved my work, I felt I missed out. So stayed home for another year and now with both kids at school, I finally feel I can let myself off the hook with the ‘guilt’. Having an Au Pair also helps alleviate any guilt I still feel. Work and feel guilty, stay home and feel guilty, ahhh it’s hard being a woman!
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Stay at home of two children for 10 years and proud to be.Not a waste of my brain or intelligence.I have a degree, i live in a nice area, i am involved in my community, and i am doing my law masters.What this time has taught me, is that i can embark on any journey that makes me happy.Stay at homes are a valuable asset to the community.And no i would never judge the mums who contribute to their household by working because it fulfills them.Life keeps evolving and changing, who knows i might go back to work next year, but it certainly wouldn’t be because i feel like i am wasting my brains.
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Great article. On a separate note, I’d love an article about women who don’t want children at all. Being in the minority, I’ve received a fair amount of catty comments and refusal to believe I actually don’t WANT children.
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Hi,
There was one in The Sunday Mail’s U on Sunday last week. For the most part, it steered clear of being judgemental and had some interesting insights and humour
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We could discuss this for hours and perhaps never find the right answer…..I’m not sure if there is one. But for those of us who work and for those of us who stay at home, or work part time. We do what we do, because it works and/or we need to for financial reasons. Thankfully, we all have a choice and generally the choice we make is the best for our families, ourselves and our children.
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For anyone who wants to add a little science into their parenting, I totally recommend this blog
http://science-at-home.org/
Deb is an ex-science teacher, now a full time SAHM, who has heaps of great ideas, experiments and activities to do with kids, right from toddlers to school age.
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I wonder on the other side of this argument – having kids is good for my brain! I run my own engineering consulting business, but looking after my 3yo three days a week has allowed me to develop a totally different part of my intellect.
Apart from the obvious patience and multitasking skills, I have learnt so much about the development of the human, fascinating in itself. But in an effort fill my little man’s brain with more than just Thomas, we take weekly trips to the zoo, museum, flower shows, national parks… whatever takes our fancy. There I find myself explaining about animals, geology, nature… things my engineering training didn’t really cover! I’ve learnt new skills like baking, story telling and I can draw a mean diesel train
None of this would I have learnt had I not taken the time to look after my son. And thank god for captions, preserving the myth that mum knows everything
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I’m not a parent yet so I can’t comment on my options – I’m just grateful that I have options.
I do know, however, that my mother went back to work as a teacher full time when I was 3 months old because she felt she had no other option, and she felt terrible about it. She felt that if she didn’t start her career immediately (she was pregnant as she finished her qualification) then she may never get a foot in the door. I think she was a pretty brave 23 year old who made a tough decision about not being a SAHM.
What she did very well though was find a balance, miraculously. She decided creches were not good enough (and they weren’t, in 1981) and went with family day care. She picked me up every afternoon at 4pm (or 4.30pm if she had a meeting), and spent the early evening feeding me, playing with me, bathing me and trying to convince me not to ‘punish’ her for leaving me for the day (apparently kids do this… clever little buggers)
After I had gone to bed, she then did housework, marking, planning, reports, cooking baby food and organising our lives.
Now, as a teacher myself, I wonder how you can leave at 4.30pm, and how you could manage to lead that lifestyle. Teaching is not the same as it was 30 years ago – the demands are much higher. It is still a great job to have when you have children though, as many of my colleagues are finding out.
As mum says now, “I just did it, because I had to, and I loved you.” I turned out just fine – family day care gave me childhood friends and other adults in my life who loved and cared for me as their own (and still do). Mum stayed home with my younger brother and sister years later (second marriage) and was a great SAHM. Making playdough, always gardening, starting a playgroup, teaching us how to cook and be good to one another – she did so much. She reflects on that time as being terrible for her superannuation (now that she’s dying to retire and can’t afford to) but wonderful for the other two kids, and me, as a primary school aged kid.
I agree with what Jane Caro said – I was grateful as a teenager to have a working mum so she wasn’t in my face all the time! Sometimes it’s about when to be at home (if you have that choice) and when to do things for yourself (also, if you have that luxury!)
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Love this! Thank you! I have my moments of feeling guilty for completing my teaching degree then going straight into being a SAHM, rather than a teacher. However, I also think: What kind of teacher or mother would I be, if having spent two years looking at how influential home and parents are in a child’s education, I did less than what I find acceptable for the child who will always matter more to me than anyone else’s will. (Of course, how this meshes with my mentors’ assertions that you should teach and care for your students the way you would want your own children taught and cared for is something I will have to sort out when I do begin teaching in years to come!)
I am not at all saying that it would impossible to be both a loving mother and a committed teacher. But having tried to do this unsuccessfully in an internship at the end of my degree – I can’t do it. Perhaps it’s because I’m a perfectionist, but I felt like I was failing in both, and I found that personally unacceptable. So I quit the internship – a highly emotional decision, made very suddenly, but one I do not regret. Yes, the way I did it, but not having done it.
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You are a fantastic writer!
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Love this artivcle. Thanks Shankari!
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I read a lot of Mammia, and Shankari is my favourite. Her posts are always so well written
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Great post Shankari. Really enjoy your writing. Thanks!
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While I find the points raised in this article to be very interesting and worth discussing, I cannot find any information about what the Danish PM actually said. I’ve had a look online (because after reading Shankari’s article I was curious to see the initial comments in their full context) and there is no sign of these apparent remarks about from a few British blogs that have picked up a similar angle to this piece.
If Shankari or anyone from Mamamia can find a link I’d be really keen to see what the Danish prime minister actually said in full. Again, I realise it doesn’t detract from the general issues raised here but I’m starting to wonder if the original remarks even exist or if it has just become an internet myth?
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Hi Sally, try:
http://bit.ly/wUQHZ6
let me know if the link works. I will pick up emails after Easter. Thank you for reading the piece and have a good long weekend.
Shankari
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Thanks for the reply and the link, Shankari.
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Yet another fantastic article Shanks. This one I found particularly interesting. As a women who has not had to make this decision yet between career and SAHM I am becoming increasingly anxious about making the right decision in the future. We as women have the hardest job, living up to our potential at work and the expectations of our colleagues coupled with our desire to be good mothers to our children and supportive wives to our husbands. While completing my GP training, my male trainer gave me some very important words of wisdom. He said that women need to realise it is not possible to be brilliant at all of these things (ie professional, mother, wife, daughter, friend), therefore we need to prioritise what is important to us and our situation and work on that.
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Really good advice. I wonder sometimes when in my life did “feeling like I could do anything”, become “feeling like I had to do everything”. Thank you for reading and good luck with the choices and paths that lie ahead. x
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I think the best thing is that you can be there for your children and you are using your experience and knowledge to raise 4 beautiful children who are going to grow up to be so proud of them……( very long sentence)
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I kinda get annoyed when people have to tell you how educated and smart they are. Don’t uneducated mums brains count?To those that say being a mum is ‘boring and mind numbing’, well maybe you should put your education where your mouth is, use your brain, and make it fun and educational:)
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Hi , very strong and determined writer ! Proud of you ! Personally I am not a stay at home mummy , and the reason for this is that I like to work and help others (as a doctor) with the knowledge i have earned by studying half my life to be what I am now, and the other side of this is the financial part , where it is merely impossible to be a SAHM and live on my husbands salary. There are researches showing that children who have mothers in good positions and maintain a normal working hour schedule also succeed in their life and they learn to see how an independent woman can manage her career as well as her home. However I wont lie and say that I do feel many times that I wish I could stay home. For my daughter , it seems like her social abilities has increased by going to the nursery , she loves to play with other kids, she has learnt to do so many things that maybe I would not have been so successfull she is my first child so I have no experience.
I agree with you Shank that we should not judge each other , and who are we to judge each other , everyone has different priorities and way of thinking is different , women are always womens biggest enemies I guess this is just another proof of that !
Good Luck!
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I was a SAHM for four years, and for the last year have worked part-time from home. I have two degrees, one with Honours, and was better paid than my husband at the time I had my first child. I stayed home because I truly believe it is in my children’s best interests to have their mother as their primary care giver for the early part of the lives – and because I adore them and the time I spend with them (but hey, I consider myself lucky that I feel that way).
What has amazed me about my children is that depsite all of my education and work experience, having children has shown me how much more I have to learn – about life, love, relationships, selflessness and everything else. I have degress in political science and history, but had to google to find out ‘how does a chicken make the egg shell of the egg?’ I get asked a thousand question like that each day, and I am learning so much about things that I don’t know, and have never really thought about.
I think I have become a more well-rounded person since having my children, with an appreciation for the different types of learning and education that we receive throughout our lives.
There’s no way I would go back to the person I was before – and no way I feel like my brain is being wasted, I’m learning so much from my kids, and for my kids, that I feel enriched by being a mum.
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Kellys, good on you for taking the time to find out the answers to your children’s questions. So many parents don’t talk to their children, don’t have the conversations that children love to have. Whether you are a SAHM or a working away from home mum, we should all take the time to talk. the answers are not as important as the message that they are worth your time. It also teaches them how to talk to people and gives them a curiosity about learning which will stand them in good stead later on.
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I want to know what mums and dads did when their kids asked them curly questions and there was no internet!
Maybe they just said, “I don’t know!” and kids accepted it. Now we all have to KNOW! (Myself included, I am always googling things!)
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Everyone knows what’s best for their own family. I have a 2yr and 3yr old and have gone back to uni to do my Dip Ed. I decided that I need to be the best person I can be in order to be the best mother I can be. If I’m happy, our family and homelife is so much better. That’s just the way I tick but I totally admire all women because in the end we are all just trying to do our best and that’s all the matters.
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I think we carry on a tad too much about choice. I’m a full-time SAHM. Yes, it’s great that we can afford to do that. (Well, actually we chose to sell up in the city and move to the country to be mortgage-free).
BUT, my ideal choice would be to work part-time in a professional job. And I mean genuinely part-time – 2 or 3 days max. I can’t find that job. Sure, I could go and work in retail but I want a job similar to what I had for 10 years. There are hardly any of those around. Infact, I haven’t found any.
I went back part-time after my first daughter was born to a job that was two levels below my previous one and almost tore my own hair out with boredom. I want something challenging.
So the choice for me is to work full-time or be a full-time SAHM. I choose the latter.
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Dont give up hope. If you have good skills you can get contract work.
I have been working part time in a professional capacity for the past 10 years since my first child was 1. Being part time I have found that I need to work at a slightly lower level than if I was working full time. I’ve tried the very senior role and it I cant make it work. I have seen others do it, but I cant keep the balance right at home.
The problem is that good part time roles aren’t advertised. You have to network to find them and they are often created for you because people want your skills.
On the topic, I don’t think you are wasting your education by staying at home, but personally, I found it very hard being home fulltime. I needed the validation that I got at work, but I didn’t want to give up being at home. It was very hard to reconcile, but part time work has definitely been the saviour for me. I consider myself so lucky to have the best of both worlds.
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I love your comment annon, i am in the same position as you.Perhaps in Australia we need more dedicated job searching tools and support for mothers who are going back to work and still want a challenge, not just any job.
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Shankari – you are an inspiration to me. Your column has helped me take the time to give myself some recognition for the time is that I spend with my children. I am good to recognising my achievements at work, but I often find myself saying at the end of a day with the children “I didn’t get anything done today”. Thank you
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” I think that instead of criticising educated stay-at-home mums, these minds should think about how to make parenting more socially valued, not just in the playground (where everyone already knows the words to that song) but back in the workforce where real change is required”. HEAR, HEAR!!!!
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Only slightly related, but I was off duty for 2 days due to a medical procedure and “dad” became “mum” for the day. He heated up soup I’d already made, and warmed some bread, he sat with 2 year old and watched tv all afternoon, and went to the park for an hour, bath, pj’s more tv, next day the same. At the end he said ” I got no work done, that’s a full time job” yet he didn’t do any laundry, cleaning, cooking, and no activities (play dough, baking, gardening, painting etc) and he let kido watch a months worth of tv in two days!
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I am so over this debate. If you want to stay at home, stay at home. If you want to work, work.
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That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Who say’s you have to do /anything/ with your education. I study art for 3 years, am I an artist? No. My boss has a law degree – and now runs a web design agency. We are lucky enough to live in a country that gives us the choice to do what we want with our life – so let’s all do exactly that, what we bloody well want to.
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Totally agree, what a wonderful post.
I’m not a mother yet but I grew up being a carer for my mother – so confusingly, I feel like I’ve had plenty of mothering experience. This makes me a better lawyer on a daily basis – more patient, more understanding, more perceptive to my clients’ needs and more able to communicate legal complexities in a way they understand.
I spent my preschool years being cared for my retired pop. He was a very smart man – his smarts had me reading at age 3 and understanding the basic concepts algebra at age 4.
The brains of those caring for out little ones are not being wasted.
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I love this post Shankari! You are a glorious writer!!
Yep and using my brain on the side to blog about it all here too – http://livinglovinglaughingtogether.blogspot.com.au/
Im a SAHM, and leaving the boring old housework aside, Im not sure how I could NOT use my brain in raising my children! In fact they constantly challenge me to parent better, be more creative, be more organised, and all the like – I work hard to help grow them from beautiful little people into amazing adults. I am thankful I had the choice to stay home and took it, and Im thankful for my degree and career and travel which enriched me and now enriches my children too! Yay for choice, I say!!
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I think that a parent is also a teacher and the value for young children of being raised by loving parents is without question. I also believe however that women are making all the sacrifices and the reason feminism has stalled, and it is still mostly women like myself taking 6 years out of their career is because of child care. If there was no child care, and women insisted on going back to work, it would become men’s problem to solve. Why would men feel compelled to pressure their employers for part-time work and paternity leave when there is childcare to put their kids into? Reading these forums…it’s all women who are dealing with the dilemma, guilt etc. I am now faced with more study and trying to get job skills up because 6 years out of the workforce has meant I virtually have to start again. I’m very resentful of that. I am lucky that my children have been cared for by one of their parents but I wish income inequity didn’t mean it was all by me. 3 years each would have been the ideal and something feminism should strive for. If men shared half the load, the income inequities would be resolved. Abolish child care I say!
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This is fabulous, and a topic so close to my heart. Motherhood is exhausting, whichever way you do it. The last thing any of us needs is the judgement of others to muddy the already murky waters of our desperate attempt to balance the different bits of our lives. Beautifully written, as always.
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If you have made a choice to work, to stay at home or chosen to work part time you should feel lucky. I have chosen to work part time in a flexible job with significantly less responsibility and pay than previous positions. I feel incredibly lucky that financially I am able to do that. The are hundreds of working women who struggle financially and do not have a choice than to work full time. We should be supporting everyone for doing what they need to do.
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I would be a SAHM in a flash with absolutely no apologies. On the contrary – I feel guilty for working, but it’s not a choice for me. Luckily I’ve found a great place to work 3 days a week with a very understanding boss. But on those 3 days, I still wish with all my heart that I was home with my kid. I did the career thing for 20 years; I just want to be a Mummy now. My friends all got to be SAHMs, I sometimes have to remind myself not to be resentful at them or my partner.
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In all honesty, I do think I am wasting my brain. I am a sahm and am heading into my 6th year at home with my 3 kids. I am lucky to be able to stay at home with my children, have a supportive husband with a great job. That doesn’t mean that staying at home with toddlers isn’t at times boring and brain numbing, however they are our children and our responsibility and while I am able to stay at home with them, my education and degrees come second!
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Hi Lisa B, I know what you mean. For me there are loads of separate but related issues: am I wasting my education by investing my time and mind into my children – No. Am I worried that I am not using my brain enough and it is wasting away. Oh yes, yes, yes. Post to follow on that. Do I love being with my children – yes, but not always. Do I long for something else at times – oh yes. I think that is a big driver for the writing for me – a desire to carve out something that is just mine and pushes my mind to hard places. I know there are contradictions in there, but this is me and where I’ve chosen to set up camp on the spectrum of full time work to full time SAHM. For now.
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I fought for so many women’s rights over the years, especially in the 70′s and as far as I am concerned feminism gives the woman the right to stay at home, OR go back to work. IT gives a man the same right. Families should decide what they want to do.
Sometimes a working mother is a delight to the family, sometimes a mother at home hates every minute and is not pleasant to be around. Then you have the mother who hates working and the mother who is great at home.
we are all individuals can we please support each other and shout at those who try and make us all follow the same pathway.
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What a sensible person you are! I worked part – time when my 4 were growing up. I needed to work to stay sane but that has it’s own problems too. You have to do what works for you. My husband also studied and shared childcare for some years while I worked. It is all about choice.
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Having choice is indeed a great privilege! If only we would let go of our propensity to judge one another’s choices.
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Great post, if more parents took the time to stay home and look after their children for at least the few years of their lives, we would have more well adjusted children in school.
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Agree. I’m a teacher and the five years I spent at home with my two until they went to kindergarten and full time French Australian preschool WAS working. Our home was like a preschool for these years and now they’re in their 20s both successful, ambitious and happy I’d say it beats teaching disengaged high school kids any day. Having a super low mortgage back in the early 90s and a cheap house before property prices went sky high helped of course.
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I think when sahm mention their degrees in this forum it is to put their position in context. The fact that have a degree generally shows at one time they were focused on getting qualified for some kind of career. I don’t think it is to justify or because they are worried about being judged.
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I have to attend a lot of work dinners with my husband and when women ask what I do, the sahm response is often met with a justification about how they found being at home with their child too boring and couldnt wait to go back to work. When someone tells you what you choose to do with your time is boring it is patronising and a little insulting, so rattling off qualifications is often the only way to explain we’re not stupid, we had a choice too and we made a different one.
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I hear you lou. I think the best response when they say that and be patronizing is “oh really, I never feel like that, isn’t the world funny” and change topic.
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I love Shankari!!!
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I am struggling with this very decision right now. Last week, I returned to part time work after 18 months of maternity leave and am 5 months pregnant with my second child. My husband has a very demanding job that pays extremely well but does require lots of international travel. I have several degrees and had a good salary prior to going on maternity leave but as I have moved countries, my salary now is small (even taking into account that I am only work 50% of the week). My husband is very supportive but he doesn’t understand why I would add more hassle to my life in an unfulfilling job when I don’t need to. I am at a cross roads of fully embracing being a stay at home mum or working now so that I MIGHT have the option of getting work when the children are older.
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I think that is my worry – and it is a worry in advance of where I am right now. I too worry that if I don’t go back soon, I might not have the option of going back later when I and the kids are truly and fully ready for that. The other challenge is finding that job that allows/enables me to work PT in a real sense – in my previous job I think my employer and I were both kidding ourselves that my hours were PT, even though my pay was most definitely PT.
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It will be nice when SAHMs don’t feel the need to tell everyone what degrees they have, and for working mums not to feel they have to say “I love my kids”. Our society is judgmental and mums should be the first ones to stop it and lead by example.
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There are pluses and minuses no matter what you do. I totally agree with Shankari that as an intelligent skilled person you bring the skills and insights you have to whatever job you are doing. An education is NEVER wasted. Feminism means being able to CHOOSE: not being forced to fulfill any stereotype be it full time parent, income earner or combination thereof. I have three degrees and two diplomas, worked before having children and got to a good senior position, was a full time parent for 5 years during which I also studied part time and improved my qualifications and then returned to work. I would have loved to have been home for longer, but our family situation changed and I probably accepted promotions more than I would have if my husbands work had been secure. I have had the benefits of a lovely family and an academic and career path that at this point I am pretty proud of. We have an earning capacity and a lifestyle that has given our children all the benefits we didnt have. But it has had it’s costs too and the recent film ‘ I don’t know how she does it’ could relate to me too, especially when the children were younger. My husband and I felt we passed the baton a lot – I would be running out the door as he came in, but always family was the priority. I do worry about the prospects for girls who don’t foster a career before children or look at keeping ‘in touch’ while parenting – money is power and it is alright if the marriage stays together, but if the family breaks up and the woman can’t support herself or her children, well life is pretty grim. This is why women stayed in unhappy marriages in the past, because they didn’t have any options. So while being a parent is my best job ever, and the years I had at home as a full time mum were the happiest and most fulfilling times that I would not swap for anything, I would also not want now to be in my 50s with my youngest finishing school trying to pick up my career and build up my superannuation for the future. You can’t have it all and you can’t do it all, but your children are only one part of your life and keeping options open is a good idea I think!
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We keep debating this as if stay-at-home or paid-working are permanent, life-long choices. They are not, particularly the stay-at-home period. Most women, if they have children, do both at different points in their mothering.
I was pretty much a stay-at-home mum for the first 5 years of my mothering. Now, unlike Shankari, while I loved my daughters, I did not take well to staying at home. I have a great deal of energy and I found I turned it in on myself – because I didn’t expend enough of it on my day to day routine. So, yes, I got depressed and my self-confidence plummeted.
When I returned to work – part-time and initially (and unbelievably fortunately) for my youngest daughters pre-school hours, I did feel like I had discovered myself again.
But I remain glad that I concentrated on my daughters when they were so small. I don’t think all mothers need to (I’m not preaching or passing judgment at all) but for me, it is time I am glad that I gave to them. I am also deeply glad that I gradually returned to full time work when I did. My children are 21 and 24 now. One has moved out permanently, the other is overseas but will be back. There is no need for me to stay at home any longer. There hasn’t been for a good decade or so, really.
Most women stay at home for a while and then, as children grow and need you less (by high school they’d much rather you had a life of your own, rather than living through them), it is great to be able to turn back to your own career, interests and personal development.
It is also generous to step back from parenting a little and leave some room for your partner. They need to have a relationship with their children too, and obsessive mothering (not that I am accusing Shankari of that at all) can squeeze them out.
Perhaps the real skill of parenting is to know when you need to be there most of the time, when you’re needed some of the time and when you are no longer needed much at all.
When that time comes, its better for everyone if you have something else to turn your energies to.
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great article.!! thanks. laydeeessss… make a choice, be proud of it and don’t make excuses for it! (dads dont.)
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I agree Mummy Manfs. Great article. Let’s just support each other regardless of our choices and be thankful so many of us have options.
I stayed at home for a year but it wasn’t my finest time. I went a bit mad but I found once i returned to work I felt more relaxed and was enjoying the time with my son far more. Each to their own just so long as we’re all loving those bubbas.
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