If you missed 60 minutes last night you might just have missed some rather uncomfortable footage. Mums that smack their children. And make no apologies for doing so. Some of the vision was distressing but both mothers argued that smacking works for them and their children. They also say it’s their right to discipline their children.
Michael Usher from 60 Minutes writes:
We started looking at this story earlier this year when a leading Australian Paediatrician called for smacking to be made illegal. Thirty two countries have gone down this path and Dr Gervase Chaney believes the time has come for Australia to address the issue, and ban smacking.
Dr Chaney is the head Paediatrician for the Royal Australasian College of Physicians. He’s pushing the College to take a stand and lobby the government for laws to ban parents smacking their children. He argues smacking is the same as hitting, and we don’t tolerate anyone hitting or striking another person in any other section of society, so why do we think it’s reasonable to smack children?
Dr Chaney can quote any number of studies that have looked at the long-term effects of smacking on children, including some that say smacking is a form of child abuse.
And in some cases, the most extreme, smacking goes beyond a light slap. The worst of parents, who argue they’re just smacking their children for discipline, are in fact beating the hell out of them. And that’s why most of the laws around the world have been introduced; to stop the genuine physical abuse of children.
But any new law would make smacking illegal, full stop, because it’s so hard to define what a smack is.
Katharine Cook is a child and family psychologist, she has previously written about the “excuses” we give as to why we smack our children and why they are all wrong. She writes in part:
1. “It’s the only thing that works with my child”. Physical discipline doesn’t work. It merely creates fear and causes upset. A vast amount of good research shows that smacking is not as effective as other techniques. Behaviour change is ineffective when brought about by fear, it is temporary at best and it teaches the child a whole lot more about how adults manage their emotions, than about the behaviour the parent is trying to control.
2. My child is difficult….he doesn’t respond to time out ….he needs a good smack.” If a child has loving caring parents, this excuse doesn’t stack up. I have spent years working with children who have conduct disorders and are really challenging. No expert believes those children are best dealt with by physical punishment, our research tells us otherwise. Often the most difficult children need tighter boundaries, need to learn that they are valuable and need to be hugged more often. Smacking will not help your child become less difficult and a more caring and thoughtful human.
3. “Smacking never did me any harm.” So maybe you survived childhood despite being driven around without wearing child restraints and you were OK that time that Dad was drunk and drove you home. But we have so much information that tells us that what we believed to be harmless in the past may not be so now. With new information about alternatives to smacking, people should try to change their behaviour, especially those who are well educated. Why stick to old methods? Our parents and grandparents didn’t have the wealth of information about child development and child psychology available to them, they didn’t have any alternatives. We do.
4. “Smacking is a quick and easy method.” Since when is parenting meant to be quick and easy? Good parenting is time consuming, it takes perseverance. Teaching children to say please and thank you takes years. Smacking them on the back of the legs is not going to ensure that they don’t run onto a road after a runaway ball. Discipline takes time and effort- there is never an easy answer.
5. “Smacking teaches them right from wrong.” How on earth can we expect children to play with other children without hitting each other, if we as adults, teach them with smacks and slaps? How can we expect children to grow up and believe that physical violence is not the best method for resolving conflict, if this is how mum and dad deal with being angry and cross? Children learn how to behave from observing their parents actions and behaviour.
6. “You can’t reason with a child.” Children are not stupid and they do respond to reason. We know this from studies of child development. The argument that children need to be taught a quick lesson that they can understand should be dismissed as quickly as the olden day argument about wives needing to be taught a lesson and kept in their place by violence. Time out done properly is time consuming. It takes a whole lot of patience to contend with a child who has clobbered his sibling for the thirtieth time. It is annoying to wait for the child to sit still. It is uncomfortable to have to get down on the floor to be at the child’s eye level. It is frustrating to wait for the child to explain what they did wrong. And it is boring to wait for the child to apologise, especially if you know that you’ll have to repeat the whole process over and over again.
7. “Children have too many rights these days.”Do women have too many rights? Or Indigenous people? It’s a nonsense argument that was used in the past to keep less powerful people in their place. Children are not going to take over! They will always be our most vulnerable members of society.
So if you say “it hurts me, more than it hurts them”, then reconsider. Hitting, smacking and slapping a child hurts you because of guilt. Many parents know that there are better less violent options and fell terrible that they have hurt a person that they love. Parents smack because they are upset and haven’t been able to think of another option. It’s a reaction that comes from anger. I’m sure many people would love to smack another adult sometimes, but most don’t because they have learnt strategies for managing their anger. Therefore for those who don’t routinely smack their colleagues, or become physically violent towards strangers, it is possible for you to learn to manage anger and use alternatives to smacking.
What can parents do instead?
1. Don’t react immediately. Lock yourself in the bathroom for one minute while the initial anger fades and so you can think of another rational way of dealing with the situation.
2. Learn about the correct way of using time out (or variations of time out), either to diffuse the situation or remove your child from what they are doing.
3. Use logical consequences for children’s difficult behaviour.
4. Hug your child and remind them that you know that they are tired/upset/cross and keep hugging until they calm down.
5. Ignore the less serious difficult behaviour. Pick your battles.
6. Reward them for getting things right- and name what they are doing correctly so they want to do it again.
7. Have a “No Hitting anyone” rule. If a child is told that mum and dad don’t hit each other or hit the children, then “no hitting your sibling” makes much more sense to them.
One day smacking will be unlawful in Australia and parents will not believe they have a right to harm their child. As people now stand by the need for women to be safe in their own homes, so will people protect children from harm in the future. Any sort of harm. Even a gentle slap.”
Katharine Cook is a Child and Family Psychologist who works with people to manage complex issues and solve problems creatively.
Do you smack your children? Were you smacked as a child?
Comments
297 Comments so far
“Hitting another person is like smacking mud. You only make yourself dirty.” Terry Pratchett.
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I was smacked as a kid. Pretty rarely, and only when I had done something really naughty.
I can’t really imagine being in a situation where I smack a child. I think there are just different views on it in society now. And how can you really ask a child not to hit, when you hit them..?
I know in my experience – it led to me being quite deceitful and manipulative as a child. I knew I’d get a smack if I took the lollies from the cupboard, so Instead of just not taking them, I took them, ate them, and hid the wrappers in my sister’s wardrobe for my Mum to find.
I think a lot of the time very harsh punishment doesn’t make children not do things, it just makes them try harder not to get caught.
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I am a parent and I never smack. But I was smacked as a kid. The reason I don’t smack is it can lead to abuse! And in my experience this is a fact! My mum smacked me and my siblings. That smack was never a slap across the bum – well it started there BUT then went beyond that, it left bruising, black eyes and many tears. I’ll admit, given my upbringing, I did try smacking my daughter when she was two but saw what it was doing to me. My smacking slowing kept going further. I put a stop to it immediately!!! And watching last night showed just that. You see the mum smack and then she pulls the childs arm, yanks it and grabs it and then shuvs the child. So it’s never just a smack. Sorry parents smacking can’t be our answer.
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I have to say that is my main motivator for not smacking is that I don’t know if I could stop if I started as this is what happened to me.
I also think that if you are smacking where do you go from there? if one smack isn’t helping, then you smack twice, and when that stops working it’s three times… you get my drift.
I don’t smack my son and was complimented on the weekened on what a well behaved boy he is. He is not an angel and certainly acts out but he is a well behaved 4 yr old that I can take anywhere.
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And yes I too have very well behaved kids. I get numerous compliments about how well-mannered, confident, considerate kids they actually are. So I can stand by my “choice” to not smack my babies (10 and nearly 8). They are normal kids who do wrong, but the difference is we talk about their decisions and use other means of discipline. I would like to think I am raising a new generation of kids to actually don’t expect the world to owe them something and who actually respect elders – not like the teenage world there is today.
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I was rarely smacked as a child and the few times I was smacked really affected me. I was mortified and have to say it really did deter me from doing whatever it was that I had done to get my smack!
I have occasionally smacked my children in the past, not often and it’s not something I am proud of. I came to realise that each time I smacked it was because I was not in control of the situation and had in fact allowed myself to lose control and hand all the power to my child. Once I realised this I was able to catch myself the next time one of my children really challenged my with their behaviour. It is very difficult to remain calm and in control of my temper and emotions at times but I can see that smacking does not help any situation and in recently I have had much more success with time outs and other consequences such as confiscating toys that the boys are fighting over. It is also much more difficult to teach a child not to hit his brother if you then turn around and smack him.
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Really well put Holly and exactly my experience too.
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Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is the humiliation, or as tout have put it, the mortification that does the real damage.
I was smacked as a child; often and not just when I has one something ‘really’ wrong.
I have vowed to be very strict with my son. But I will punish him in a way that allows him to keep his dignity. And that doesn’t include smacking.
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I have not ever, and will not ever, smack my children. I believe smacking is more about an adult’s need for a release than effective disciplining of children. The one thing that I always hold on to with my children is that their behaviour is determined ’10% by their action, 90% by my reaction.’ I read this somewhere once, and it is the best parenting advice I have ever had, or could ever give.
I’m far from perfect, and there have been many times when I have told my children to just leave the room – right now! – because I have felt so furious. But it works – my children are mostly beautifully behaved, and I receive compliments everywhere I go on their behaviour, their manners, their consideration of others and the fact that they walk away from arguments and fights.
This takes so much hard work, and there are days when I think, ‘oooh, I’d love to give that kid a good smack, the little terror’ when my son is pestering his sister, but what would that be teaching? Instead, I take my daughter and read her a story on the lounge and ignore my son – a far better and more appropriate consequence that drives him crazy…
There are better ways than smacking. I’ve seen the look on my nephew’s face after being smacked by my BIL, and I know that I never want to be the person to make my child look like that, and it’s that simple.
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My mum was a smacker with me & the next child down. The youngest she’s never smacked. She used to get so angry with me that it wasn’t just a smack, she’d just keep going again & again & screaming until she was I think too emotionally exhausted to keep smacking.
There is a really, really fine line between smacking & abuse & it is easily crossed.
I found watching that 60 mins episode extremely draining. Listening to her scream constantly. Especially that other mother (?Angela) going at her kids with the egg flipping thing.
I’m a mandatory reporter. If I had a child who had red marks or who told me that “mummy hits me” I *have* to do something about that. Please don’t demonize us for our legal obligation.We don’t get to draw the lines or assess; that’s DoCS role. We just have to report what we see &/or suspect.
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I was also smacked as a kid – sometimes to the extreme that you described, so I can empathethise. That being said, I don’t agree that smacking should be reported to DoCS or other government appointed agencies as a first step. In my opinion, the first step is talking to the parent and assessing whether you think that this is an isolated incident or a recurring trend. Go with your gut.In my experience, getting DoCS involved too early can be more damaging to the child than the smack was in the first place.
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I think you misunderstand what mandatory reporting is. She has to report. And talking to the parent is dangerous – if they actually abuse their child, they could see this as someone catching on, take the kid out of that school before it can be reported.
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@Fi – I see your point. I may have generalised a little but what I meant was, if the child said they’d been smacked and you knew the family well and felt this was an isolated incident, then speaking to the parent would be okay. There’s a difference between abuse and the parent reaching the end of their tether one time. That’s what I thought I’d said before.
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I was smacked as a kid. I can’t remember any of the reasons why I was smacked, but I certainly remember a couple of wallopings – one with the bamboo end of the feather duster that left welts for weeks! It was just an accepted practice 30 years ago – and I don’t hold any grudges against my mother for it. I never thought of it as abuse. Although when I think of doing something similar to my five year old daughter – the thought makes me want to vomit. I just couldn’t do it.
I have never had to smack my daughter. Mainly because I don’t want to rule by fear and intimidation – she responds best to consequences. She knows that if she does something wrong, she will have to sit on the naughty step in time out and have her toys/treats/privileges taken away. I’m lucky that she is driven by a desire to please and receive praise – I only have to give her that special mother death-stare and she will likely dissolve into tears. I am very lucky to be blessed with a good little girl (remind me to re-visit this post when she is a teenager….).
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I’m crap at that death-stare thing. I try but it just doesn’t work. There’s a mum at our playgroup who is brilliant at it, she sorts out any nonsense by just looking at the kids. She has 5 kids so I guess she’s had plenty of time to perfect her technique.
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I may not have caught the smacking bug from my mother, but I definitely inherited her death stare! Keep practising! It has the power of a Vulcan mind meld
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I hope to never have to smack my children but know there might come times that out of shock or fear I might smack them (extreme circumstances- running accross the rd etc). But I was never smacked and will aim to never smack. The mothers in that program were horrible! If parents are smacking their children often and for every little thing their children do wrong, then I think it’s lazy parenting. Take the time to model good behaviors to your children and take the time to explain to your children why their behavior (not them but their behavior) is naughty and praise them when they do the right thing.
Smacking as your only from of discipline = lazy parenting, loss of control and poor behavior management!
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I absolutely agree Libby. Disciplining a child is all about consistency and following through with consequences. If I warn my little girl that ‘x’ will happen if she continues with a certain behaviour, then I absolutely HAVE to follow through with it – no matter if that inconveniences me and/or the rest of the family.
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“Smacking as your only from of discipline = lazy parenting, loss of control and poor behavior management!”
This isn’t always the case – my ex stepmother was a smacker but it wasn’t lazy parenting – it was “6 kids under 10, husband working 70+ hours a week, no family support whatsoever, little money and many bills, even less sleep” parenting. Desperation, frustration parenting. Please don’t tar every parent who smacks as lazy. Sometimes they feel they have no other recourse and actually need help. They are utterly exhausted and a short sharp punishment is easier to handle than a talk and a time out and a cuddle.
I certainly don’t agree with her style, but looking back now as an adult, I don’t know how she remained sane during those years of pressure and stress. Her parenting style was borne purely of exhaustion and frustration (and probably a view of “oh my god, I have so many more years of this to go.)
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I am not a parent however i can comment that i did receive a smack or two as a child. When i say smack i mean a firm tap with the hand. No belts or wooden spoons involved. I can reflect on times that i could not be reasoned with and i can understand a parent smacking their child if it is a situation that has the potential for a dangerous outcome. I would obviously try to reason with the child and use another form of discipline first if possible.
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I have smacked my children and have felt dreadful afterwards! I do find it incredibly difficult to be consistent with my consequences and often find time out not practical – ie usually the most outlandish and defiant behaviour is when we really need to meet a deadline. I also find reward charts hard to administer and have often found myself giving “stars” just because my daughter didn’t have an almighty tantrum when she got dressed or didn’t kick her brother as she walked past! It’s funny – I’m a highschool teacher and I find it less daunting managing a class full of rebellious, hormonal teenagers than I do dealing with my own kids sometimes!
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I have 3 children…all of whom I would smack their hand or bottom if they were in danger or needed consequences for bad behaviour. I never hit out of anger and never continually hit and hit. When my son was 4 yrs old his grandfather said to him…don’t you be naughty or your mum will give you a smack. His reply was, my mum never hits me. Which showed me that most of my discipline was done when they were under 3, after that it was a threat, do you want a smack….”No”, Children need boundaries and if taught well early enough turn out to be good children. I am very proud of all my children who are now adults and their smacks on the bottom and hand never scared them for life. My brother believed in talking it out …OMG…trying to talk it out with a 2 yr old is ridiculous..and those kids sent everyone insane at family functions. To smack or not to smack…if I had my time over again..I would do the same, my kids and I love each other to death and have a great relationship. No regrets here.
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I have never smacked my girls, but my son has ASD and his psychologist suggested an occasional spanking might be better than talking to him. He couldn’t focus on what I was saying, couldn’t link the words to what had happened 10 seconds earlier. He could understand a physical move directly related to the action.
So I picked him up and physically removed him from situation. I smacked his hands when he went to touch hot things or strange dogs. Took toys away that he threw. I added a firm ‘no’ and eventually he worked out what ‘no’ meant.
The problem is that smacking generally goes hand in hand with anger or panic. I sometimes think it’s symbolic of deeper issues, not an issue in itself.
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I do the same for my ASD toddler. I can say ‘no’ and have him blankly watch me while continuing the bad behavior, or I can give the hand that’s committing the act a quick smack. It’s probably the reason he no longer plays with power points. His occ therapist and psych both agree that for where he’s currently at, this is more effective than time out or verbal discipline.
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I was smacked by my mum as a child – it wasn’t a super regular occurance but it was enough that I remember a few occasions. It was traumatic.
I’m not a mum myself but have witnessed a few bum smacks in the supermarket. I don’t necessarily think it’s perfect parenting but I don’t have a huge issue with parents who will give a kid a smack on the bum and then talk to them about the issue.
The kind of smacking I have an issue with is the smacking that is accompanied by the rest of the aggressive behaviour, the yelling, the standover tacics, the kind of stuff seen in the 60 minutes story.
I have clear memories of screaming the house down as a young child terrified by the punishment mum would dole out on me. On one occasion I ran into my room and tried to shut the door against her, genuinely fearful for my safety. it was absolutely awful and purely because she could not get a handle on her anger. Not cool. My relationship with my mum is now a complicated one.
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If smacking isn’t an option, it isn’t an option.
x
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No. It’s assault. I wouldn’t lay my hands on anyone else, why would I do it to the people I love the most in the world. There are plenty of ways to discipline that do not resort to physical violence. My children are testament to a violence free household, they don’t even hit each other.
Smacking shows that YOU are out of control. That’s hard to hear for some, but it’s the basic truth of it. We all understand being in that state of mind, but if you’ve been conditioned to hit when you’re feeling out of control, it’s a whole problem in itself. One that you’re passing onto your children too. It’s never cool, whether it’s your kid, your spouse, your friend or a stranger. It teaches them nothing except that the bigger person, or the one with the worst weapon, wins.
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well said! thank you. i was going to write pretty much these exact words. no hitting. ever. x
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I don’t think smacking is the best method but I do not think it is child abuse.
Actually I think calling it child abuse really just trivialises real abuse.
I also think in general the physical abuse is magnified to be the worst thnk ever when psychological abuses so much worse.
I would rather a loving parent who smacked me( like my parents) then a cold indifferent or bullying parent who did not treat me with love.
I think making in the law will do more harm to loving families who smack then help children who are genuinely in bad situations.
I did to see 60 minutes so I won’t comment on those women but I will say there is always a better way but I don’t tho we need to make it law.
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Saying “calling it child abuse really just trivialises real abuse” is like saying that your boss hitting on you isn’t really sexual abuse and that it trivialises rape.
Nobody is saying that smacking your kids is the worst form of child abuse, but it is a form and should be treated that way.
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Actually its nothing like that.
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I saw that 60 Minutes piece last night and found watching that mum screaming into her children’s faces and pointing her finger at them as much, if not more, disturbing than the smacking. And she seemed to smack them a lot, for major and minor transgressions, as Bec points out below.
I don’t want to kick off a mummy war so I say this with total respect for other parents and their decisions but I hope I never smack. It’s something my husband & I have already talked about and agreed on. We don’t want to discipline our son that way for a whole range of reasons. It’s not acceptable in our society to smack any other group of people to help them learn or teach them ‘consequences’ – not the elderly, not people with disabilities, not people with mental illness – I don’t think it’s right to smack children either.
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Oh I agree, I believe that screaming in their faces and pointing the finger much worse than a quick smack on the bottom
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I have been known to smack my kids occasionally. I have twin girls and one insists on biting the other on a regular basis. We use the corner, time out and talking to explain the issue but nothing works well. A smack does make the point. I dont feel good about this option but I am not sure what else will work.
Yesterday both my twins decorated their room in nappy rash cream. The carpet was a mess and the room was littered with wipes. They emptied every pack they could find all over the room. My first reaction was laughter but it is seriously not funny! So they both got sent to different corners with a big speech about poor behaviour. It took all my strength not to smack them!
Help! Any ideas?
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How old are your girls, Lil? If they are under, fourish, they would see the nappy rash cream as finger paint. I think any punishment after the (messy) fact would be a bit pointless. I would’ve made them sit and watch you clean it up. Guilt and boredom can be powerful teaching tools. Getting them to help would not have been that helpful if they’re really little.Good on you for reigning in the smacking urge.
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Hi Kate
The girls are two and a half. I like the idea of making them watch me clean up. I really hadn’t thought of fingerprint but it makes sense. I guess I expect them to understand right from wrong but really they were probably just having fun.
After punishing them I gave them both big cuddles hopefully that showed them my love for them. Oh dear, I am so not used to discipline my first child was an angel!
Thanks to everyone for your helpful responses
Lil
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I’m not much help as I’m afraid I would also laugh! Horrified laughter, for sure, but still, if you don’t laugh, you cry. One thing a mother of a large family taught me was to consider their motive. If the motive is to be deliberately defiant, disrespectul or similar, that is something to deal with, but for something like painting a room with nappy cream – well, I can see they just experiemented and then it all went on from there. I followed a line of blue crayon all over my house a few weeks ago. My daughter sure had fun! I gave her a baby wipe and got her to ‘help’ clean up, and talked about drawing on paper not walls. They are only little – I’m sure she will forget – but some things take ages to learn. Hang in there!
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Lil, I did a parenting course with the local Family Support person when my twins were about that age. She took a group of parents through a discipline approach called 1-2-3 Magic. It was very good. One of the big things we took from it is that lots of explaining and talking is often torture for the kids. At 2 1/2 it’s just a big wall of words. I am not saying don’t explain, just that being super brief is better. When the kids are older they don’t need any explanation; they know jolly well that it was wrong. We just count the kids and at 3 they have a time out. I highly recommend the method. When we apply it consistently we have good results from our very active and defiant twins (now 6).
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Lil, I often make the kids help me clean up when they’ve done something like that.
They’ll understand and grow out of it eventually … my view is that there’s no reason to make them feel that their Mum doesn’t love them for a transgression they don’t understand.
And yeah, laughter is unfortunately often my first reaction too! Best luck xxoo
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Maybe it was a secret twins nappy cream painting day and we mums aren’t aware of it. My twins did the exact same thing yesterday….and even stuck a few marshmallows that they found in the pantry on the nappy cream carpet art on their bedroom floor. Pro art anyone? Mine are less than 2 though so I just laughed it off. They were pretty impressed with themselves. Happy mothers day.
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I would never laugh at something I don’t want them to do again!!!
But I love your attitude
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Youre right, I try not to laugh in front of them. I have to really try to be consistent too.
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This is a great example of picking battles! Yes, focus on the biting (watch for triggers, use distraction as a preventative, then removal of toys or removal from the space as a consequence, no fuss)…. decorating the room you may just have to suck up! Having them stay with you for the cleaning up before moving on to another activity is perfect
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My oldest kids made “cakes” when they were preschoolers, in the lounge room. They used flour, sugar eggs etc, but on the lounge room floor and their giant teddy. They got up really early to do that. I think I screamed (literally)…. I had to cut the Teddy’s fur and get the carpet cleaned to get it all off.
Surprisingly or not, I didn’t smack either of them for that, but I did talk to them about it.
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I watched the segment on 60 minutes last night, and found it really hard to watch. I was upset by the smacking, but more upset about the way she was constantly screaming, yelling and losing control at her kids. Up in their face, pointing her finger at them…. how is this teaching them anything?
We were smacked (with a belt, actually) when we were kids. All it did was make me lose all respect for my father (which I still harbour today).
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Seeing that woman hit her children, completely traumatised me. Seeing her tower over the older girl, screaming and pointing in her face traumatised me.
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My children are divided into two groups – 4 older ones and one young one. The older ones were given a rare smack if they frightened the life out of me. There was plenty of wooden spoon waving and breaking on kitchen benches though! There were so many of them that keeping them socially acceptable was a nightmare and frankly, they’re luck I didn’t resort to a Samuri sword or Valium!
Raising one child is so different from raising a pack of them and so much easier.
I hate hitting but I can understand parents giving a little one a smack to shock them into remembering a safety issue and while I don’t approve, I can understand how parents can become overwhelmed.
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Our house has had a hell morning, 4 kids who will not co-operate, want to stay in bed, wont get dressed, wont eat breakfast, the list goes on. I dont like to smack & although pushed to the edge I didnt but I certainly got the urge. The only times I ever smacked is when they have put themselves in danger, running around carparks, putting plastic bags on their heads, that sort of thing. Because I dont smack the few times I have, out of fear I admit, they have taken notice.
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Very much against smacking children. Very much against smacking anyone full stop.
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I agree Nora. My daughters are 6 and 9 and sometimes they fight and whack each other. When they try to explain the reason for the hitting, I insist there is no reason for hitting, ever. A bit hard to maintain parental cred if I turn around and smack them.
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I saw psychologist Jo Lamble commenting on this, this morning. And what she said made so much sense.
She said that watching the story the mother seems to smack her children quite a lot. So what does that say? That it’s not working. That it’s not creating the long-term changes in behaviour she wants.
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Yeah, I did wonder how long a time frame they filmed that over.
Most of her kids seemed over the age where it would be an effective punishment anyway.
The older footage of the woman with the fish slice was just scary.
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well we dont really know how long they were filming so yes, it seemed she smacked a lot but the segment was about smacking and i guess thats what they wanted us to see.
The filming could have been done over a month or a week? who knows…and it didnt show what Im sure would be the case
of her sitting with her kids, cuddling and kissing her kids, talking to her kids…so yes we did get the impression this woman is a loony mother, abusive mother but I dont think we got to see the whole picture?
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Oh wow, I saw this at the start of 60 Minutes and just couldn’t watch this story last night. I changed the channel. The ‘coming up’ section and then the intro did it for me – they were asking such ridiculous questions! Ten points to them I suppose for attempting it though? It was always going to be a very tough subject to turn into quality (television) reporting.
For the record, I have never smacked my kids. I always figured that I would not be sanctimonious and would take the ‘never say never’ attitude to whether it was something I would do as a parent – I went in preferring not to use it, and never have had to. For me, the couple of times I felt like I really wanted to I knew it was more about my own frustration and anger, and nothing to do with whether I thought it would get the message through – that told me enough about whether it was a good idea, and I didn’t go through with it, and just counted to ten instead before using another discipline method. But I doubt last nights story did anyone any favours! It looked like it was purely going to be a way to spark some pretty predictable mail and attention for the show. Not about quality reporting at all.
I’m curious if anyone watched it and thought they did a good job with it?
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Whoops, that was me above. Forgot to put my name in!
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I don’t smack my two aged 4 and 8 and I often get compliments on their behaviour. You don’t need to hit your kids to make them decent people. I agree with Kate below, if you are fairly strict and consistent you really don’t need to hit (or ‘smack’ or ‘tap’ or whatever else you want to call it).
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Can I also add that I was smacked by my own parents, hard and often. The same thing happened with my siblings. It might have kept us in line when we were little but by the time we were teens we had very little respect for our parents. They never bothered to talk to us about why our behaviour was wrong, they’d just hit us. It didn’t teach us anything about manners, respect or empathy for others. I think it’s just lazy parenting.
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I smack here and there, normally as a fright reaction, from me, and to bring their attention to the situation. But I do hate it and I always feel bad. But in saying that, it has worked in the few instances, because they have realised what they have done is dangerous.
I am talking once every 6 months, tops, (just to average it out, I think my 4 year old has only had 2). Not anywhere near as frequently or ‘brutally’ as the mothers in the story, mine were used for impact, certainly not common place punishment.
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its a tricky one – my sister and i were smacked as children and both my mother was strict and very firm. I think I turned out alright, i respected and still respect my parents – this is one thing that is definetely lacking in todays society.
the fear or thought ‘ what would my parent think?’ what would be the consequence?
i think most people smack because that is all they know from their upbrining…if they are decent people then smacking must work right?
I did see part of the segment along with my kids but they were eager to watch Masterchef so we had to switch over…haha
the mother’s screaming in the girl’s face was more confronting and it was very uncomfy because that is me most days too…i dont smack much and if I do its always like that one swipe on the bottom – I would never slap my child in the face – ever!…i dont think smacking works otherwise why would you need to be smacking all the time?
i am more concerned about the screaming and anger I portray – this is not showing a good example of what is right and wrong but having spoken to many other mums they too are screamers, i even hear my neighbour often and she probably hears me too …we all get frustrated that the kids dont listen….we get frustrated that we need to be out the door at a certain time and the kids are dwaddling and not eating breakfast….its hard work being a parent and its not something we can pass judgement on…i dont think a smack on the bottom will harm a child’s mental state.
Ive been in many social situations where parents just dont deal with their misbehaving children when they should be – i know everyone parents differently but it still makes me wonder….
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Thank-you for such a concise and articulate article about why you shouldn’t smack your children. I simply cannot understand why you would want to physically hurt your own children in the name of ‘discipline’. I have 3 children and have never smacked any of them and not because any of us are perfect, I just could never justify it. I was smacked as a child, never beaten nor threatened with the strap etc, but I still remember the fear I felt and I never wanted my children to experience that.
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I’m not a mother, so I really am not in a position to judge a parent for their reaction to a situation I’ve never been in (although I have no intention of smacking my future child). But there were a few times during that story where the mother hit the child so hard I jumped, the cracking sound as she hit them was so loud. I don’t think ‘belting’ a child is right in any situation
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I’m not a smacker – although I have done it – and regretted it. Felt childish, stupid and mean. But I’m not a negotiator either. There is zero point in idle threats. Just as a horse can smell fear, a toddler can sense a spineless parent. You need a couple of cracking (non violent) punishments up your sleeve and you must be prepared to use them. You normally only need to do it once. Lock up the Lego. Say no to the party. Throw the ice cream in the bin – or even better, eat it yourself. Bwahahahaha.
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I’m the same Kate. I don’t hit my kids but I would describe myself as a firm parent (my kids would say strict!) No means no in our house and consequences are provided (and followed through) for bad behaviour. My kids are well behaved (well, at least when we are out!) You don’t have to hit your kids to teach them right from wrong.
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Yes, the follow-through! I talked about the books we love – Love and Logic – all about learning to make good choices. My toddler LOVED to throw her food’water/utensils/whatever on the floor during a meal. I felt like I was talking into a bucket trying to stop her “We don’t throw food! Food is for eating!” Do you know, it took just ONE ‘natural consequence’ to stop her?
One day, she threw something and I said, “Don’t throw your food or dinner will be over.” She (of course) threw something else and I took her plate, scraped it into the bin and said, “Oh, that’s sad. Dinner is over.”(Really calm, relaxed, empathetic voice.) I got her down and that was that. She screamed and threw a fit, but she has never, ever done it again. Voila. Problem solved.
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I fess up. I have smacked my kids in the past and I hated myself. I am no a member of the No Smacking Party. Card carrying. Happier kids and happier me!
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