Sara and her gorgeous son Rafael
by SARA MULCAHY
How do you cope? As a single parent, this must be about the most common question I get from well meaning acquaintances. Married friends (including my mother!) often admire how I manage. After all, they reason, it’s tough enough when you have someone to share the load so, really, they just don’t know how I do it.
At my GP’s surgery the other day, I fielded the familiar set of questions before considering my response. ‘Being a single parent is actually quite… ‘HARD’ he interjected, nodding in agreement with himself. Well actually, I said, I was about to say ‘fabulous’. He looked non-plussed.
But it’s true! Because the fact is, I’m not ‘coping’; I’m living my life and I’m enjoying every last minute of it.
Yes, being a single, working parent can be hard, of course it can. It’s certainly not like being young and carefree and only having yourself – and perhaps a small pet -to worry about. But any parent will tell you that. For the people who tend to assume you’re harried and hurried, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
“There are definite advantages of being a single mother.”
My little boy has just turned two. (His father, my ex husband, and I split when he was just 6 months old and the two of them catch up once a week.) We have a lovely life. Routine is our friend – supper, bath, bed at 7pm – but we can be spontaneous, too.
We feed the ducks at sunrise, we climb into bed mid-afternoon to read books, we go on 4-day breaks to the sunshine in winter. Sometimes when we are out at, ooh, say the zoo for example, I look at couples who are clearly exasperated with each other, silently seething and wondering why they have to be there, and feel really happy in the little bubble of just us two.
Yes, there are definite advantages of being a single parent. You get to make the decisions, you don’t have to compromise your beliefs and you don’t miss a moment. If you’re in a loving, supportive relationship then that’s wonderful for all of you, but if you’re not, well, at least this way you don’t have to contend with the anguish of trying to include someone who constantly disappoints.
So please, don’t assume single mums are getting by against the odds. Yes I have to do everything… but then so do a lot of mothers. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sara Mulcahy is a writer, editor and mother to a croc-obsessed toddler. She’s also the mumpreneur behind babyonholiday, a website that offers tips, blogs and products for the discerning traveller under two.
Are you a single parent? How do you cope? (Just kidding).
Comments
105 Comments so far
For Gods sake Woman Your child is 2…..the fun begins in 6 months when Your child will battle your every move. I too had a blissfull time during that stage of age. No one tells You about the Horrible 3′s which is Waaaay worse that the terrible 2′s. You go to WORK…You get TIME OUT at WORK. Try this…..Never having a break….Your ex going AWOL for 6 months….when they are only a bus ride away. Try having no car….try pushing a double stroller laden with groceries up a steep driveway in the rain…….try living in a converted garage with no doors to close to define bedtime…….try picking ticks out of Your children everyday after daycare….after YOU BATTLED FOR A YEAR to get a place so You could maintain the last remaining iota of sanity You amazingly possess. Try doing Your housework in the middle of the night because thats the only way You can do it without distraction.
I could go on and on and on. Try having to go to the Housing department every 2 days because some selfish person made You homeless. Try calling DOCS cos NO ONE ELSE WOULD HELP YOU. Family friends watch ing Your daily struggles and strolling by while dropping a judgement as they go by.
Try being a single Mother of Twin Boys.
….and You let Your kid wear Crocs in public FFS.
Sorry for the rant…but You have NO IDEA of the other side. Im strong…My kids are well mannered and I vaccinate and I dont let them drink soda and I dont care for the lycra Mums and Your article even though it was well intended..is a load of (a pair of) Crocs!! End Rant.,
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I’m a single full time worker with 3 kids under 11 who’s ex takes the kids 1 night a fortnight, ‘I don’t know how you do it’ drives me nuts.. It doesn’t help, but ‘Harried’ is putting it politely… Being single with 1 2 year old would be a holiday.
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This was such a great article!
I’m often asked as a single Mum with 3 kids age 7 and under “how do you cope?” Often it is in an admiring way, but sometimes it’s not.
People also say quite cruel things too, such as “looking at how busy you are is such a great contraception” or “do your kids all have the same Dad?”
Like you, I find that being a single parent is wonderful – the freedom to create a life for my kids and I based on values that are important to me is so important, and the kids and I have a lovely time together. That’s not to say that it’s not logistically challenging, because it is at times, or that there aren’t hard days. But overall, for me, there has a surprising ease being a single parent and I love my life.
Support and encouragement from others goes a lot further than thoughtless remarks!
http://www.littlemissmummy.com
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I get frustrated when I hear from single mums in this way. The kids of single parents never get a voice. These articles encourage women to be single mothers by choice. As the child of a single mum I admire her efforts greatly but I can’t pretend not having a dad in my life didn’t have a huge impact. My friends in similar situations say the same. No matter how great a mum you are your child will likely hurt for another parent, once a week doesnt cut it this is the ugly truth never acknowledged in pro single mum articles. It’s backed up by research too. This should be acknowledged better in such articles that support the trend towards actively choosing single motherhood even if this author didn’t chose it other women use these articles to support their choices.
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I don’t think the article was by saying run and a be a single mum today and even if it did so what families can be whatever they want to be today.
The writer didn’t say she was a single mum by choice and i’m pretty sure she is not encourgaing the women of the world to go out and prodcue babies without fathers.
Even though you had a tough time without a Dad there are many more people who come from families of all shapes, sizes and make ups lets move past mum, dad and the three kids it’s 2012 already.
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I am a single mum by choice and am coping extremely well I have not found being on my own hard at all. I take everyday in my stride and am proud of the fact that I don’t need help. Before I had my daughter I was not so sure how I would cope and have surprised everyone with how well I have embraced it. Prior to having my baby I came across so many negative stories and mum’s complaining about how hard motherhood is. I just don’t see it. Life has never been better.
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I’d like to explore your opinions a bit further… I’m on the brink of deciding whether or not to be a single mother (no partner, pregnant by accident, but at an age where parenthood is a real consideration). Every report & article I read seems to highlight all the finical & personal downsides – it’s somewhat refreshing to hear someone say it’s not all doom and gloom!. I have a good job, and will be eligible for 3 months maternity leave, but unlikely for any government support.
Can you tell me what your motivation was to be a single mother, and how you ‘cope’?
Cheers, S
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Hi Sharon, I hope this reply isn’t too late…..I was in exactly the same position as you….I was overseas, had a fling and wound up pregnant at 27. While I had an abortion in my late teens, and considered another, I knew that I would regret it if I did. If you are wondering hard whether or not to have an abortion, I can only say make the right dcision for you, but it sounds like you may hve some regrets if you do, where I can virtually guarantee you won’t regret having had your child…..whatever the situation is when they enter the world. My daughter has just turned one, and I kind of agree with the article. As an independent person, I find the control I have over our lives liberating. Her father is not involved at all, his choice, so I do not have to worry about an ex, or consider another’s feelings and opinions. t’s tough sometimes, but not as tough as I thought it would be. I lived with my prents for the first 6 months, which was a huge help. In the first few months you will really need a good support system, but now we have moved to regional NSW where it is cheaper to live, but no family. I have found there to be an awful lot of community support available to prents these days, single and partnered. I have gone back to uni, and am not working at present, and Centrelink payments basically cover my expenses, renting privately. Look into exactly what you could be entitled to, I think you have to have quite a lot in cash/assets to be denied financial help. You will at least be entitled to 18 weeks paid parental leave. I plan to go back to work next year after completing some medical treatment, but would be returning to work way earlier if it weren’t for that. So don’t worry too much about the work side. It’s hard to put into words, but having my daughter has given me a lot of joy, and a sense of purpose to my life. If you choose to go ahead wih your pregnancy, you WILL be able to be a successful sole parent. Just don’t expect to have sex for a while! Good luck!
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Being a privileged single mother is very different to being a marginalised single mother. I think your article borders on martyrdom which is kind of annoying and really undermines the struggles many sole parents do face raising children on their own.
I think it’s all about variables.
While I agree that many mothers have it hard, parenting is hard.
However, the single mothers I’ve met have no social support, no car, are living in relative poverty, have health issues or are caring for children with special needs or disabilities. Most are also working or studying and are burnt out. Most are isolated and you won’t hear about their hardship because many can’t even afford the internet or are just too time poor.
As a sole parent you don’t have a live in babysitter (namely your partner), you don’t have someone to share the load, you don’t have someone to plan the future with or know that your child will be OK if something happens to you.
Yes there is autonomy in your parenting decisions when you are a sole parent but not when there has been abuse in the former relationship and you are forced into shared parenting etc.
Not saying you can’t enjoy being a single mother, if you are financially secure and have social support you would have time to appreciate your child rather than worry about all the other stuff all of the time. You would also be less likely to face the stigma and bigotry that many poorer single mums face.
Overall, I would rather be a single mother than in an abusive/dysfunctional relationship. It’s better for your children and your dignity.
My child goes to sleep in peace every night, unlike going to sleep in fear like I did growing up in Domestic Violence.
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I expected to click on this and ‘hate read” it- but instead I found myself agreeing with you whole heartedly, I was a single mum and now i am married to a man who works away from home most of the year ( aprt from the duel income, which is nice) my parenting is exactly the same. I always say that as a single mum, my household is calm, in a lovely routine, and very happy. It would not have been the case if I was living with my daughters father.
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Firstly congrats on your positive single parent life. I wish I could say the same. My husband died 9 years ago, diagnose with bowel cancer at the ripe old age of 39, he died 2 years later. We have 5 kids, at the time of his death our oldest was 12 and youngest 1 week off turning 2. 6 months after he died our son was diagnose with autism, in 2008 my third daughter was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma. My 2nd daughter self harms as her father died the day after her 10th birthday. These past 9 years have been a struggle and contine to be a struggle, I have no family help, yes I have family, but sometimes people just can’t cope with the idea of autism and I find he is not welcome at most family celebrations. Christmas is coming again and probably no presents this year as the car needs servicing, taps are dripping and bills need paying. My kids need me to help them, I feel like I am being dragged in 5 different directions at once, I worry about the future for my autistic son, but what can I do? I survive week to week on a careers allowance. There is no after school care for my autistic son, I really would like to get a job and be independant, but how??? I am happy and if I am honest, envious of you, but the fact is alot of single parents are hurting and hurting really badly especially this time of year when everyone is supposed to paint on a happy simile and pretend that everything is ok.
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Hi Lesley, wow, I am not sure what to say… I lost my dad when I was young to cancer – he was only 42. It’s crap…
I am not sure if you have heard of having an au pair before or not. They are like a live in nanny, but they are a young person from overseas who lives with you, and does 35-40 hours of childcare and costs $150-250 a week plus meals and a room in your home. Some of them have experience with autism as well. I am not sure if this will work for you or not, but it may give you the chance to get back to work? The au pair does childcare, cooking, laundry and other duties.
If you are interested, contact me and I will give you a free lifetime membership to our au pair website – http://www.thebestaupair.com
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Hi Lesley
Can I suggest you call and talk to this organisation for advice and assistance in regards to your autistic son? http://www.amaze.org.au/ (specifically for you: http://www.amaze.org.au/discover/how-we-can-help-you/) Even if it is just to meet others in a similar position and share your personal experiences, issues and advice? If you are not in Victoria, call and ask them to refer you to a similar organisation or service in your state.
As someone with an older relative affected by intellectual impairment (and possibly undiagnosed autism), my advice would be to plan early and learn strategies now. My family has only been working this out for our relative in more recent years, when her condition was documented (we recently found paperwork) in the mid-1940s by the family doctor.
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Hang in there Leslie, it sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job raising all your kids in such adversity.
Do you get any respite from your local council so at least you have time out in the evening once a fortnight? If not, I would seriously look into it. Even if you are on the waiting least for a few years it’s worth the wait.
Get as much carer support that you are entitled to. I went to a carer expo once and there was heaps out there. Carers Australia is a good place to start.
http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/
I thought there were some Autism schools around?
Also there are mental health programs for young people, my child use to go to play therapy when he was 5yrs for severe anxiety and self harm.
Anyway, you probably know all this already.
The difficult thing about having a child with special needs or disabilities is the future can seem hopeless because you know you will be a carer for life in some circumstances. There is some support though and once you find your way around the maze hopefully the future can look a little brighter. It just may take a couple of years to establish. The main thing would be getting your autistic child in a school so then you could focus on the other kids.
As for work, you already are working, harder than many. Maybe think about prt-time studying online in the future so you can keep your sanity but still be there for your kids.
Maybe a social worker could help you get support for all the different needs for your children and don’t forget that there are many charities who provide XMAS gifts for kids so now would definitely be a good time to ring around.
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I am a single mum. I have been since before my child was born. To be honest, I often look at couples with children and wish I was in that position. But then I realise I am doing extremely well. My child has a great relationship with both parents. I am blissfully happy with my life as a parent and as a person in general. What is the use wishing for something else that may not be as great as my life is now?
Life is different for everybody and it really is just what you make of it. Sounds so cliched but it really is the truth.
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I loooove being a single mum. But I don’t like being single! Woody Allen and Mia Farrow had the right idea (minus Soon-Yi incident!).
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Can I just stress this – maintain a civil relationship with your child’s father/mother. Things may be fine for single parents when the kids are little, but they eventually grow up and want a greater relationship with that other parent in their lives.
My ex husband and I worked very hard to maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of our sons, who were only 4 and 8 when we divorced. They are now 16 and 12 and know they are loved and that their mum and dad have nothing but respect for each other.
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Things are often more than one dimensional though…
Some women have no family support, suffer mental illness, deal with financial stress, have no respite, suffer post natal depression, have left an abusive relationship, are dealing with complex family situation, draining legal battles, children with disabilities, are dealing with grief following infidelity, have more than one child….the list is endless.
Like most things in life there are both good and not so good parts, however for some the balance tips more in favour of the not so good parts which makes single motherhood more challenging.
I too am a single mum – there are parts of it I adore and parts that rip my heart open. I do try and keep positive and not play the victim but some days it’s not easy as this isn’t the happily ever after I thought was coming my way.
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I’m a single mum of an autistic boy and with therapy and the rest I’m now living at home again because rent and the bills that come with living on my own are just that far out of my reach financially. I’ve also recently moved to a new town and don’t have a huge family so it can be difficult but my son is my first child so I’ve never known a different experience of parenting. I had a very uninvolved ex so had to a lot of the parenting myself when I was with him. I’m glad that you wrote about it being better to be alone than to be with someone who constantly disappoints. I certainly believe I’m better off being a single mum. I hope others out there have the courage to be single mums if they want too, it’s not as bad as they make out!
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I can offer a different perspective.. I am one of four and I watched my mother raise us alone for 4 years. I was 6-10 and again at 14-18. I like to use the expression, slightly twisted “she lost a few battles but won the war”.
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I am not a single parent but with a husband who is away for a few days almost every week for work sometimes I feel like I am. I get in such a good routine with the kids though and the house is a whole lot tidier, and dinner time is much simpler and earlier, no business shirts to iron, I get the bed to myself with no snoring…I actually don’t mind the day he is away. Having said, perhaps I value it so much because I know he’s coming back each time.
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It depends.. i say ‘how do you cope’ coming from my own position. I could manage teh logistics but ‘coping’ emotionally without my husband with my work and my parenting is something that would terrify me. Maybe they are asking how you live without that if its something that they couldn’t?
I don’t think it’s a victim thing. The fact is that when it works well, having someone to share it with is wonderful.
If it sucks balls, i can clearly see that its not about coping. I wonder far more frequently how some of my friends ‘cope’ IN their relationships that seem very difficult and that they would have a far better time of it on their own.
Its all about perspective.
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Way to go Sara. I’m guilty of the assumption that single Mums do it tough. Love your attitude.
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Nora Ephron (When Harry met Sally) wrote this on the pros of her divorce and being a single mother, which I loved:
‘Another good thing about divorce is that it makes clear something that marriage obscures, which is that you’re on your own. There’s no power struggle over which of you is going to get up in the middle of the night; you are.’
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That is perfectly put! Thanks for sharing it.
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Yes ! I was always termed it as not having to “parent by comittee” what I said, and how I wanted to raise her was the way it was.
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I was a sole parent for around 7 years and I still get very annoyed at many other sole parents who play the victim for their situation. Like the author, I never let being alone with my daughter get in the way of full time work, study and having a social life – as well as trying to be a very good mother. I hope that I was a good role model to my daughter along the way by achieving what I did and not using my status as an excuse. I have a colleague at work who grates on my nerves when at least twice a day she says “but I am a single mother” as an excuse. Infuriating!!
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I have to admit, there have been times when I have wondered how single parents do it all, when I with a very special partner struggle at times! I guess it comes down to “we all do what we have to do”. I’ll try to stop assuming thst songle parents are doing it tougher than me and just admire them for being parents.
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I’m a single mum with no family in Aus and we have a great time together and our lives are pretty good. The only thing that is a bit hard is that I get no break. Now that the boys are a bit older it’s easier. But, I just moved a home and it would have been nice to be offered help with the kids. Funny how the ‘friends’ with kids the same age as mine are suddenly very quiet and whilst they knew I was moving, never offered to have my kids for a couple of hours to help. But by saying this, a few of my other friends whose kids are much older came to the new house with a bottle of wine and unpacked my kitchen and living room while I was running around.. I am not ‘coping’ I’m living a good life that have some difficult moments. Love and blessings to all xx
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I have had a delightful time with my son as a single parent…I worked, was financially ok and we had great times together and have a very close bond because of it…Not everyone wants or needs a relationship and it certainly beats staying in an unhappy or abusive relationship. I now have another child alone by choice but am finding it harder this time but only due to my age and tiredness…People need to be less judgemental and realise there are plenty of ways to raise a family and if children are well loved and cared for and are financially coping and are able to meet needs then leave them too it. Family support and time for self certainly helps or I think it would be more challenging…There is nothing wrong with me or other parents I just chose to live like this and am happy.
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I am not a single parent. I certainly sympathise with those single parents who NEVER get a break. However I also get annoyed when everyone assumes a single parent does it harder than others. I have a lot of friends who are single parents – some have the benefit of the other parent to help or their family. Both my partner and I work shift work and have to travel away a lot. We earn enough just to be taxed to the max with no govt benefits for our 3 kids. We have never had the benefit of any family assistance so if we want to go out it costs us a bomb for sitters. We pay FULL freight for everything but no we certainly are not rich. It’s hard to keep a relationship goin with all these stressors. I often dream of a life like some of my friends who share custody and have downtime. I never get any. Neither does my husband. We would be better off in a lot of ways if we split up – much better financial assistance and the thought of perhaps sharing custody so we could have times when we could do whatever we like. So I guess my point is that everyone can be doing it tough regardless of their relationship status. We should not assume that because someone is a single parent then they do it harder than others.
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Yes, same here. Shift work is one of three jobs we have between us. One of which is a 7 day a week business. There isn’t any time that is joint parenting, 99% time it is me solo with a baby and toddler. Whenever there is two on board I think its SOOO EASY
)) When I do find it hard is when I am sick or the kids are sick.
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I work shift work and my husband works weekdays, 5 days a week. Between us, we work 6-7 days/week while raising our baby. Not sure how long we can make this last, or how long we want to do this…I’m not sure what my point is because I am too tired to think straight
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We both did shift work for close to a decade between the 2 of us. I found having a great day care mum was one of the things that enabled us to do it for that long. As the kids got older, sleeping after night shift got slightly easier when they were at school and if they did any sort of after school activities, team sport or whatever, we were upfront about our work schedules and the fact that we would more than likely miss at least the occasional lesson/training day/match etc. We always ended up with help from other parents, luckily if we needed it, just as we helped others if possible. It can be done.
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I’m not a single parent but my husband works away four weeks out of eight. We’ve got a thee-year-old girl and a six-week old boy. I’m NOT coping.
Luckily my parents are currently visiting while my husband is at work, because my boy is not sleeping and is only somewhat content when held. I’m fearing for when I’ll be by myself again as my girl currently gets no positive mummy time as I’m constantly holding/feeding/settling her baby brother.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve called helplines, asked friends for advise and he still just won’t settle. I fear the future!!
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Sounds like my little man, now 6 months. He was dreadful until 14 weeks and would take 90 mins to settle for a 30 minute sleep. My 21 month old missed out badly, especially as my husband commutes 5 hours a day. Since 4 months the baby has been delightful. That “fourth trimester” they really are a bit more like a foetus than a baby and need time for their nervous system to mature. Have him checked for reflux, wear him when you can and know it will only get better. Lots of hugs.
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I agree with the previous poster. Many babies are hard to settle in the first few months, with the unsettled behaviour peaking at around 6-8 weeks. Make sure your doctor looks into reflux, try whatever the books suggest, and hang in there because chances are he will improve a lot after about 3 months.
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You poor thing! I can just imagine what you are going through. I have now come out to the other side (i have 3 kids, 2 of which are 15mnths apart) they r now 8, 6 n 4. My hubby works nights n sleeps in the day. So, no i didnt get much help either. It very much felt like i had 4 kids. All i can tell you is tht it does get better. Your little girl will be ok, mine is. Now they are older i make it up to all of them. They are all well n not damaged, as i always thought they would do when i wasnt coping. Your little one will settle, work out first if something is not medically wrong. Remember all babies are different. Just do the best you can, thts all you can do for now and dont blame yourself for anything. Your kids will love you no matter what.
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check out the purple crying website. It was recommended by my paediatrician. 6-8 weeks is the crying peak, then things improve from there. should definitely be heaps better by 13-14 weeks. I feel you… but ride it out!
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Oh you poor thing! My heart goes out to you. I hope you get some peace soon. If holding him doesnt work, and nor does distracting him with walks, toys, etc then get him checked for reflux. All the very best. xxxx
On the topic of single mums- I find that I operate better when hubby is away for work! So it doesn’t surprise me that single mums would find the same.
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Mt 3rd child basically cried the whole time. I had to keep him in a pack most of the time and just carry him everywhere. Eventually, at 12 months, we learnt he was a celiac. I wish I had trusted my instincts and kept looking for a solution. If i kept a food diary as we may have picked it up earlier.
I hope it gets better for you. x
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It will get better. Try and do things while holding the baby with your little girl….I felt bad for my toddler during the endless feeding, plus he really freaked out behaviour wise when his little sister arrived but I tried reading stories to him (at 6 weeks baby is oblivious) at the same time. Perhaps lots of walks too as that gives you time with your daughter while baby is happy with the movement and not needing attention. Your daughter will adapt and be fine. Baby will also learn to wait a little
6 weeks can be a bit of a turning point 
All the best.
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My little boy would also never settle and it turned out that he had silent reflux have him checked as it was three months before he was diagnosed and it wears you down as he never slept, but it will get better and things will change put him in a baby carrier and see how that goes as my boy used to sleep in this
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have you heard of a lady called Elaine Harvey -Baby whisperer. She is amazing and can assist anyone all over Australia (with skype etc) I am in Brisbane and we paid for her to have an overnight stay with our 14 month old who was waking every 2 hours at night for feeding….after the one night our baby slept through and no more feeds!! she gives advice about anything and you can book for different kinds of consults – check her out!!!
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I posted above and we also used Elaine Harvey, although my son was about 1 by the time we got her out. she is amazing and very kind and warm. Her fees are also very reasonable.
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Fantastic article!
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I really can’t picture a positive picture of single parenthood. I look around and it is so hard for so many different reasons. I am contemplating making the decision to split in the near future and it terrifies me – yes I can’t stand what is happening to us right now, but I just see the tensions still continuing after the break-up. What I find the most daunting is the lack of family support – no family here. I have to keep thinking of my 12 year old and somehow ride the storm ahead. I would love to hear how other people have coped – their stategies etc.
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Amber when I was trying to make the decision to leave my marriage, i felt so terrified, it felt like I was standing at the top of a cliff being asked to jump off it with my children in my arms. the fear was so overwhelming it took me many months to reach a decision. In hindsight it was totally the right decision and I have never again had to feel that misery of being trapped in an unhappy place. The things which helped me were:
- getting some good counselling over an extended period (this can be SO helpful)
- taking my time to make decisions. You don’t have to rush it!
- in my case i was studying at uni; i put off leaving until my degree was finished so I could be working when i left. I didn’t think I would manage financially without a job. this meant basically waiting a year and living “saprated under one roof” for that time
- it has been really, really helpful for all of us in the long term to have an amicable relationship with my ex. I can’t stress how much angst that has saved me and my children. I know not everyone can manage it though. my ex was angry with me for leaving for quite a long time. I made a few concessions to him over time which helped him be less hostile. We avoided the court system and settled our finances my mutual agreement. It makes a big difference for the kids.
- I did receive some child support for a number of years, but it has been important for me to become financially independent, which feels good.
- we have done shared care for 6 years now and it has been a good experience for me. It has been great to have that me time when they are with their dad. It’s not perfect for children – but at least they don’t need to live in a miserable household.
- I didn’t have family either and some of my friends were upset with me. it was hard! But it was the right move for me.
good luck with your decision and take all the time you need
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Thank you Kat…I’ll take what you said on board
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I have a one year old and am a single parent and have no family support. I chose for us to live closer to his father as I wanted them to have a chance at a relationship so basically my ex is my only available support. As far as exes go he is pretty good in that he wants to have a very active involvement in his son’s life but if I am feeling sick and want a break and he wants to go surfing then surfing will win 99% of the time. So that bit is hard as it’s hard to ask friends to take your young kid when you aren’t feeling well when they have young kids themselves. I honesty don’t find it that difficult though. For the most part it is just life, the regular old day to day garden variety and I love it. We are very happy. I did get quite a bit of therapy to help me out across the year and I found that really helped. You just need to make sure you take the time to do something things for you. As your child is 12 this should be easier as perhaps he/she has goes to a friends place on the weekend sometimes etc. I’m not sure…not having a 12 year old it’s hard to comment. I imagine they keep you busy with driving them around to sporting commitments etc
Oh and I don’t sweat the small stuff. I like a clean house but if I don’t do the dishes every night then I don’t freak out about it. That sort of thing.
Honestly I have found it easier being a single parent than being in a non functional relationship with a small child. Trust me. It’s waaaaay easier.
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I was on my own for about 6 years from when my daughter was 1. It was totally fine. Way easy than being in a dysfunctional relationship.
worked full time and went to uni part time so I was always busy but my little one coped fine. We never struggled for money, we just lived within our means (no car, no tv for a couple of years!). My daughter went to day care and and I used to use some of the careers as babysitters. Mostly though, except for uni, I just took my daughter everywhere. If friends couldn’t accept that, than they weren’t very good friends.
The only things I found tough was when I had to make some big decisions, re my daughters health, there was no one to share the burden of the decision with me. Friends could give advice, but at the end of the day the decision was on me. I also found that with dating, because I wouldn’t introduce guys to my daughter, because I didn’t want people in and out of her life, some guys thought I wasn’t serious about them. I’m glad I didn’t though, the only boyfriend she ever met was my now husband.
If you know it’s over, take the plunge. If your relationship is that over you’ve probably been a single parent for awhile anyway!
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Well said Jen (& so true!)
“If your relationship is that over you’ve probably been a single parent for awhile anyway!”
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I work full time, am at uni part time and have my gorgeous almost 12 year old son full time (his dad chose to move away a number of years ago and he doesn’t see or contact my son more than a handful of times in a year). I also get to the gym regularly and see my friends often. Apparently this is a lot to juggle according to some people, so I get why people ask how do you cope (answer: my son has awesome grandparents and uncles!). For us it’s normal.
It sometimes makes me sad that my son doesn’t have the kind of relationship with his dad that I had wished for, but he is dearly loved by a lot of people and we have an amazing life. I think the single parent/one child dynamic is interesting – we’re a team and he definitely gets more of a say than other kids might, but it works for us
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I’m a single mum – my baby girl’s dad lives overseas. I am expected to call him and tell him how she is, and I do because I want her to know her father. So far, he has done absolutely nothing to help.
I love being a single parent too! Sure it’s hard when they are sick or when you have slightly limited flexibility. But I look at my brother’s awful marriage and would take being on my own with this beautiful gift of a child over a life full of angst and having to manage the tension and a child any day of the week.
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Couldn’t have said it better myself!
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I’m in a relationship with my baby’s father but he works crazy hours and doesn’t really ‘get’ babies. Sometimes I genuinely feel it would be easier to be a single parent. There would be no energy wasted on bitterness when he goes out with friends for the third time in a week on the assumption that i will happily mind the baby, while I have to beg him to take an afternoon off so I can go to a gynecology appointment. There would be no anger wasted when I’m told that he thought that appointment was my ‘me’ time after I ask for a night off to go for dinner with my friends in the same week. There would be no recriminations when, after getting half an hour of sleep due to an unsettled baby I get complained at because he was woken twice overnight, there’s no clean shirt for work and I spent my sons nap time catching up on MY sleep instead of cooking dinner. There would be no murderous thoughts expended on the mother in law when she popped by to see the baby and annoy the living snot out of me. Yep, I can see how single parenthood would be kind of fabulous.
BUT – I also like having someone to unburden to, someone on hand to share financial burdens with, the look on my sons face when he catches sight if his daddy, support during the scary moments of parenting and someone to celebrate the minor victories with. I love having someone who, while a little bit clueless in the ways of babies, loves us both simply because we are his.
I think both sides of the equations have pros and cons and the situation is simply what you make of it.
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Great comment – I agree with your last sentence in particular
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Sorry but to me he doesnt sound clueless in the ways of babies, he sounds plain selfish in the ways of relationships, period.
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I feel like your partner and my husband might be brothers? Being a single parent has crossed my mind, several times. But then I figure I’m basically a single parent anyway. Hubby works crazy hours, commutes 2 hours each day and comes home exhausted every night. I’m expected to do everything and when I ask for a night off or an hour to get a pedicure or even just have a bath in peace, the first question out of his mouth is ‘what are you going to do with our son?’ my line is ‘last time I checked he has two parents. So when one needs some time out, the other one is there to take care of him’. He doesn’t like that….
I think being a single parent is appealing to me because then I would only have one child to look after instead of two (husband). It would be far easier, less washing, less cooking etc but it also means less conversation, less bouncing parenting decisions off each other etc. I don’t think I’m quite ready to trade those just yet.
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I am single dad of 2 wonderful daughters who has zero parental input from the mother of my lids.
Routine is our friens and allways has been! we set jobs at set times through the week but then on weekends we tend to chill out and relax a fair bit ( i work full time)
i never get asked “how do you cope” so perhaps its a single mum question?
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Interesting thought. I’ve known a few single dads over the years, I’ve never known if they’ve been asked the same question I and apparently a lot of other women have been asked.
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Sara, you are a legend. Not just for doing a great job as a mum, but for busting the regular groupthink I come across that perpetuates the myth of all single parents struggling, or being bad parents, or being irresponsible, or being welfare-hungry.
I am not a mother, but my mum was a single parent following divorce and I have a good friend who is also a single mum. Both did/do fantastic jobs as parents, enjoy their parenting immensely (with requisite rough patches as is normal for all parents), do not use hand outs and can appreciate that being a sole parent can be easier in as many ways as it can be harder than parenting in a couple.
Single parents, coupled parents, multiple parents, step-families, same-sex families… they all have their ups and downs, and one is not more or less ideal or worthy than the other provided the kids are loved and looked after.
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I’m staring down this very barrel right now. I have a lovely house, two boys aged 3.5 and 2 and an abusive husband with anger issues. We have been together 9 years and married for 4.5. I scared of being alone because (in no particular order):
1. What if he gets another partner who “succeeds” where I have failed?
2. How will I afford it?
3. In the future what man will want a 32 year old with two kids
4. I’ve just started a bridging course at uni with a view to starting a degree in 2014, am I going to have to cancel that plus my gym membership and everything else that matters to me?
I’m afraid. Sometimes I think it is better to stay with what I know.
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What you are going through sounds like hell and I can’t possibly understand the fear you have, however I firmly believe that if your husband is abusive you are best to face your fears and take yourself and your kids away to build a healthier, happier live for yourselves. I also have every confidence that you could do it!
There are LOTS of men and women that partner up with people have have children; they might have children themselves too! So I wouldn’t even give that a second thought. It’s possible that money will be tighter and you might temporarily have to rearrange or forgo some things, but surely a better life for you and your kids is worth more than a gym membership.
You would be absolutely fine as a sole parent, and I suspect you would look back in years to see it was the best decision you could have made! I wish you lots of love and strength for whatever you decide to do.
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Hey Emmeline, if he’s abusive, there’s no success. There’ll just be someone else to take your spot.
Things will probably be tight, but you’ll manage.
If no-one wants you, they didn’t deserve you in the first place!
You can take your time doing uni – I’m at the end of my first year, and my course co-ord has repeatedly said to me “If it takes you a bit longer, so be it”. if your gym means that much to you, you’ll work something out.
Also, if you’ve been with him that long, he’ll have to pay child support if you split and you have the kids. I hope you can get some help.
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Emmeline…I was staring down the same barrel with a 6 week old baby 7 years ago. My husband stormed out the door after years of awfulness and never came back. It was my turning point – like the author said not having to consult someone else, not walking on eggshells, not trying to please someone who cant be pleased was like the largest weight being lifted from my chest. Get some support from a good counsellor and take the steps to walking away – life is too short and for me not showing my girl that this was what relationships should look like was the best success I could offer (btw you birthed those lovely babies – no ‘other’ woman could ever succeed at more than what you have already succeeded at). Lots of love x
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No no no it’s not better! I had the same situation being in a 15 year relationship and being miserable! It took me 2 years to get up the courage to end it due to all the “what if” fears. It’s so much better to strive for happiness and take that leap than to stay out of fear and eventually regret your life.
My 3.5 yr old son and I struggle financially (to put it mildly!) but I am happier than ever and all that tension hostility and animosity is out of my house. It’s better for me and better for my son.
Your children deserve a mother who is happy in life and takes care of HERSELF.
Yes life can be tough alone but 90% of the time my life is So much happier and easier than before.
Don’t stay out of fear, it will destroy your soul.
Happiness is out there you just have to have the guts to reach for it.
As for your points:
1. You won’t care if he gets another women because you’ll be so relieved that you rid yourself of a poisonous relationship, you’ll probably feel bad for her!
2. You probably won’t be able to live as you have but you’ll get by and make do with what you have, just like everyone else does. ( I have $900 in my bank account and a mountain of dept and I’ve never been happier)
3. The man that will want you in the future is the man that sees the true you and respects you for it.
4.You will work it out and you’ll be surprised how much help there is out there for you.- I have a gym membership and make it to the gym at least twice a week.
You will survive and not regret it….
Best of luck
xx
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When I left my abusive ex to be a single mother I felt like I’d been let out of prison. Everything else was secondary and I managed. Yes it can be hard going at times to be both mum and dad, but in some ways it was actually easier, plus the atmosphere about the house was much calmer.
Please think carefully about your choice for you and your kids.
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Emmeline,
One of the terrible things about single parenting is the link with poverty.
I suggest you still aim for the degree, you’ll get better pay down the track.
Lots of men are interested in women with kids, there are lots of divorced dads out there too.
This next suggestion is really controversial and manipulative but I’ll put it out there nonetheless. Sometime before you separate suggest your husband gets an vasectomy. Odds on he will re-partner, you don’t wanting him having more kids. It’s a bit of a primal mother thing i think.
Best wishes
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This is the sort of thing that gives women a bad name….”Sometime before you separate suggest your husband gets an vasectomy. Odds on he will re-partner, you don’t wanting him having more kids. It’s a bit of a primal mother thing i think.” If the writer wasn’t serious…I would laugh.
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Ha ha, Linda – I love that you just came right out and said that, outrageous as it is. Full points for bravery and keep up the good work – I for one appreciate your honesty!
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Surely she’s not serious….what an absurd thought?!
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Something I noticed when I was single and dating divorced men: many had vasectomies – their wife’s call – not too long before their wife ended the marriage.
Now if I hear of a bloke going in for the snip I just count the months til separation.
Just saying it’s something I noticed.
But it makes good sense from the perspective of a mother. Would you want your children’s father being father to someone else’s kids?
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I remember planning to leave for at least a year before my ex and I split and I had a lot of the same worries as you, but once it actually happened I felt so much relief. Do what is right for you and make sure you ask for help – you deserve to be happy and safe!
I started my degree as a single mum and it will have been 5 years of hard work when I complete it next year, but it’s totally possible. I kept my gym membership and I date too (there are plenty of guys out there that happily date women with kids). So it is all possible and you can achieve anything.
Wishing you lots of love and luck xo
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beautiful houses, gym memberships, new partners mean squat when you are exposing your children to your abusive husband with anger issues. Your kids deserve to live in a non explosive environment.
Hope you make the right decisions for their sake
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Don’t be afraid. It can be done. Women do it everyday. YOU can do it. You are stronger than you realise. Staying with an abusive man, shows your sons that it’s ok to treat women like that. It’s not, it never is. My mother stayed with an abusive man, and we kids suffered too. We grew up messed up because of what we saw, and what we heard. No child deserves to grow up surrounded by fear. You don’t have to “get by” living in fear. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, at least do it for your kids.
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Answer those questions AFTER YOU LEAVE
Go get financial and legal advice now – before you leave – so you make informed choices. Why on earth would you stay?
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I agree with what most of these ladies have said. Can I just add, if he does repartner and they end up happily ever after, it won’t be a loss for you, it wont mean anything about you – but it will be a massive win for your kids. You want their father to be healthy and happy, that way he can be a better parent for them.
Oh and ignore the terrible vasectomy advice. Both my husband and I have exes who have gone on to have more kids and they have bought a lot of joy and peace to the relationships as it gives everyone something positive to bond over.
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I made the decision to keep my daughter knowing that her father probably won’t be around, at least for a good amount of time. I’m always bemused when people say how they couldn’t do it, how hard it must be. We don’t know any other way, so it just is. I like not having to worry about someone else’s input when making decisions. We are very lucky to have Mum around, but I don’t expect her to do childcare for me.
If I was a different kind of person, I’d maybe worry about not having a father’s influence in her life, but I’m up for pretty much anything, so maybe that’s why I don’t feel like she’s missing out.
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Agree! Having being married for 10 years & a single mum for 4 years, I can appreciate the choices & freedom I now have compared to the way I was living before – in an abusive relationship. I am extremely lucky & am thriving in creating the life I want for my kids & myself. Sure, being the sole person responsible for raising 3 kids is huge (their father is absent). However we have a great life & a fantastic future!
Thanks for the post – you have expressed so much of how I feel about my life as a single mum
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I cant help but think that in many ways single parents who are in a functional relationship with their exes have it about as good as it gets. They don’t have a partner to worry about, qualify for benefits and half the time – if they are co-parenting – get regular time to themselves.
One of my friends has week-about arrangements with her ex, so for every other week she ‘s got the freedom of a single girl. Another one sends the kids to their father every second weekend. So bingo! Instant me-time.
Compared to that, I have to hold down a job, look after kids and be there for a partner. It’s relentless and it wears me down so much. I would kill for regular time away from family, just to be by myself.
If I sound bitter it’s because I am! I would love to walk away from it all but I couldn’t do it to everyone who loves nd depends on me. I couldn’t be that selfish, or maybe I’m just too weak to do what I want. I dont know.
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I’m in that kind of situation – 50/50 shared care. I flip between being single and being a single dad. It does have its advantages. I get more of a say in decisions about my child than I did when I was married because the ex can’t just assume that I’ll agree with what she decides. And I get to spend both more time and better quality time with my child as I’m no longer treated as the baby sitter to fill in at short notice here and there when its convenient for my ex. Instead I get consistent long periods of sole care which has lead to a much better relationship with my child.
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I am having one of those days where I am overwhelmed with life with 2 small children It feels like keeping my toddler entertained and safe is the only thing that I do all day!! ‘ no’ and ‘get down’ are the 2 phrases that I use over and over again. Reading these posts its clear that I need to take a page out of Sara’s book and think of all the things that are working in my life. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children. And that is what I intend to focus on… well until the next time I find myself frustrated with my toddler!!!
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I am one of these people Lou and I would have to say I have it pretty good. It can get wearing for the day to day though to not even have someone there to have your back or help with the dinner dishes etc in the evening but then something just slips. I just don’t wash up until morning or have a tv dinner for myself that sort of thing. In general though my life is pretty good. I don’t have to take care of my ex anymore (and believe me he took a lot of taking care of) so I feel my load has lightened. He contributes generously financially (that doesn’t mean I’m rolling in money, things are still tight) and he has his son every Saturday night and all day Sunday. He will also take him more if something is on and he will often visit during the week. I think I get more “me” time than a lot of mum’s in relationships. There is a trade off though. I get the “me” time but not that security of having someone there to give me a cuddle at night or go to the baby when I just can’t take it anymore. That’s the hard part.
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I’m was in similar situation to your freind( I’m now recently repartnered – which is hard work) .everything you said is true, its pretty good except for one massive thing, which overides everything. For three nights week I miss my daughter like crazy and its different to when she is at school/ being babysat, because I’m not allowed to go and get her. I just have to wait until she comes back. I miss so much. I hate it and whilst I’m grateful my little girl has a great relaitionship with her dad, a small selfish part of me wishes he would just disappear. ( I’d say he has similar thoughts about me )
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I have taken a couple of steps back, and am now calm enough to reply to your breath-takingly judgemental post … I think.
There’s so much I’d like to say but I’ll just stick to the two most annoying things about it:
1. “They … qualify for benefits” is a massive generalisation. What exactly do you mean by this? I’m trying not to assume.
And 2. “I couldn’t be that selfish” carries the implication that every single parent has made that decision purely for their own benefit (if the decision was even theirs in the first place) when I think you’ll find that in the majority of situations, single parents are exactly that because they put their children above and before themselves and their own needs.
That is all.
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Rive
By qualifying for benefits I mean the single parents pension which single parents under a certain threshold are rightly entitled to. Women who are married are assessed on their joint income which means even if they are unemployed they are forced to become reliant on handouts from their partner.
By saying selfish I am not judging anyone and I would assume that not many women are single parents because they have chosen to walk away from a relationship.
I have a loving, caring, devoted partner and two kids whose lives would be shattered if I walked out. If I did, yes that would make me selfish.
But that doesn’t stop me dreaming and feeling trapped in a situation that I feel helpless to change. All the talk about following your dreams and your destiny doesnt mean much if you’re trapped.
There’s nothing wrong with my situation except that deep in my heart I wish I was somewhere else.
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There’s a lot of cases where women (and men) walkout of a marriage with children just because they are unhappy and not because of abuse so you wouldn’t be alone. And there is something to be said for happy parents separated being better than unhappy parents together for a child.
But as someone whose partner did just leave without warning, I would ask that you at least talk to your partner and go see a counsellor before making that decision. The biggest guilt I have related to my child is that even a couple of years on she desperately wants my ex and I to get back together. But there’s nothing I can do about it and she’s too young to explain the complexities of the situation to her.
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Even with shared care overall you do get more benefits when separated than when living together. My ex and I for example didn’t qualify for the chidlcare benefit or FTB A or B when married, but no divorced do. The offset of course is that having 2 households is more expensive than one.
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I know exactly how u feel and agree 100 percent. It’s not always easier if your in a relationship even when it’s good .
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As good as it gets, except that the life they dreamed of, poured their hearts and souls into, came crashing down around their ears….
While being a single parent wasn’t the drama some people make it out to be it in no way compares to my life with my husband.
If single parenting looks so attractive you probably need to have a good hard look at your relationship!
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I have always thought that people say this in order to try and acknowledge the hard work that single parents (and all types of parents) do. I see it more as an attempt to empathise, rather than a lack of tact.
Sometimes it seems safer not to say anything at all nowadays as there is always someone who is bound to find it offensive.
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Totally agree!!!!!!
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My friend’s husband died 5 years ago (she is raising her 11 year old son). That is single parenting!
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My son’s father doesn’t see him nor does he give me financial support. Just because he’s alive doesn’t make me any less a single parent.
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I’ve raised 4 completely on my own. I don’t have family, I don’t have friends. That’s single parenting! Nobody has the monopoly on who’s more of a single parent. If you’re raising your kid / kids, on your own, you’re a single parent. Regardless if the kids stay with the other parent some of the time, regardless if you have family support, we’re all just doing our best.
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You don’t have any friends?
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I think Anon may have been commenting on choice – or lack of it. Having the choice to: get into a relationship, how you navigate the relationship, if you have children in the relationship, how you deal with issues in the relationship and ultimately if you leave the relationship. All choices. Death, not so much.
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I love this Sara, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I’m sure being a single mum can be hard, but being a single or a couple without kids can be hard too, being a parent as part of a couple can be hard … life can be hard!!
As someone who is single, 35 and staring down the barrel of making the kids-alone-or-not-at-all choice, and who is terrified by all the media and anecdotes on how tough it will be, your honest perspective is refreshing and reassuring.
Thanks again.
TDMJ.
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Other gems:
“I’m a single mum this week, hubby is away with work!” I want to scream at them: Like Hell You Are!! Until the women who have the audacity to make this comment are ALSO responsible for providing SOLO FINANCIALLY for their children then they have no idea.
“Do your kids have the same father?” I wonder if any single dads have been asked if their kids ‘have the same mother?”
To say that all fathers ‘have a right’ to be involved is rather simplistic. What if a father CHOOSES not to be involved? What if there is a documented history of domestic violence, drug/alcohol abuse or child abuse? What if there is a restraining order?
I have 3 girlfriends who are also single parents. 2 of them receive limited child support because their ex’s are self employed. Both dad’s have regular contact with their kids. My other friend has 2 teenage children (one has a disability) but receives zero child support because he has CHOSEN to have no contact with his children and for this reason doesn’t believe he should have to pay to pay anything. Oh, and before anyone calls my girlfriends and I ‘bludgers’ ALL of us are in PAID employment as well – and have been for many years!
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What is it exactly that mkae you think being married means people don’t wonder/ask if your kids have the same father?
I have two kids – with the same father, whom I am married to. But one is fair & one is dark…… hence the “oh my they are very different” etc……
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Both my husband and I have had a passing thought of separating for financial reasons. We are two months behind on our mortgage and living off eggs, milk, bread, lettuce and wheatbix. Our budget is next to nothing, there is no water saving/power savings/money saving tips that we don’t do each and everyday! I went to centrelink to see if we are eligible for benefits and the answer was no. Apparently we earn too much. Really? We earn too much? We are on the effing poverty line! We can’t possibly earn to much. So when I received this news I casually said to hubby ‘you know, we would be alot better off financially if I was a single mum on government benefits’ his response was ‘I know. That’s shit’
It is shit. I don’t want to say single parents have it easier financially because I’m certain they don’t, I was just bummed that we couldn’t get any help when we so desperately needed it. And for the record, we aren’t separating…
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But you’d have to pay two lots of rent and power bills? …or did you mean NOT REALLY trying to cope as a single parent on child support?
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So…Rafael’s Dad doesn’t figure into the decision-making? That doesn’t seem fair.
My experience (as a child and now as a fiancee of a divorced dad) of single parenting (which is really not single parenting but “two people parenting apart”) is that it’s a minefield of decisions. Nothing is easy because the other parent’s values, opinons, and beliefs often need to be taken into account.
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Well my parenting for years was single parenting because my ex couldn’t be f*^%ed with his kids and paid no child support for close to 18 years. I know I’m not the only one (of either gender).
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