Shankari
by SHANKARI CHANDRAN
A friend of mine recently told me that her husband refused to do the early morning childrens’ sport run because he said he was the one who made the money for the family. Therefore (according to him) he should not be expected to do onerous domestic duties and his weekend rest and recreation should be prioritised.
Hmm. Interesting.
I have to say, I wasn’t shocked. I’ve heard this one before (from men and women) and I think what I found most interesting was that he was prepared to articulate this philosophy so clearly and so politically incorrectly.
He didn’t sugar-coat it with a “Darling, would you mind doing the 7am netball again, I’ve just had a really hard week trading over-priced derivatives…”
No, it was a very clear “I hunt, so you must gather, even on the weekends when I’ve hung up my spear and I’m watching the footy.”
I also wondered how many men and (let’s be honest) women share this attitude. Another friend (a stay-at-home mum) told me that she deals with all of her baby’s night-wakings, every single night.
Her rationale is that her husband (a really nice guy – not some chauvinistic Neanderthal), had to go to work and have his wits about him. He had to be able to perform and communicate at a higher level. Therefore his rest was more important than hers and even on the weekends she continued to carry the full domestic load.
I have some issues with that, and not just because driving the car whilst profoundly sleep deprived can be fatal. But I also understand the attitude because I know that I have an impulse to do the same thing. It is possible that I share this attitude whilst also resenting and disagreeing with aspects of it.
I have almost always been the Secondary Earner in our family (and more recently the Non-Earner). And, whether I am earning or not, I have always had an impulse that I don’t understand (or particularly like). I have this primal (or is it Stepford-esque) impulse to let my husband (currently the Only Earner) rest and recover when he comes home. Thankfully he has an impulse to ignore me and he pitches in happily.
“I also wondered how many men and (let’s be honest) women share this attitude. “
I understand and am all for good team work. It requires clearly delineated as well as shared roles. It requires that people play to their strengths, that we support our team members to do their best and that we work well together and alone.
I also understand that the family unit needs certain roles to be fulfilled by one or both parents/carers for the family unit to survive and thrive. The earner or earners need to be supported and enabled to earn, so that the whole family can eat and have Foxtel. I get that.
What I am fascinated by is the notion that the Primary (or Only) earner might be absolved from all non-earning duties by virtue of being the Earner.
Do many Primary or Only Earners feel that they are entitled to come home after work and rest and relax on week nights and weekends? Do many Secondary Earners or Non-Earners share and enable this attitude by assuming (happily or resentfully) the full or greater load of non-earning duties, even when the Earner is hanging out at home?
And perhaps most controversially, does the dynamic change depending on who the Primary or Only Earner is? When polling the playground recently about this topic, I was told about a Working Mum who came home to carry more than what was considered the “fair share” of non-earning duties.
That Working Mum did not feel as entitled to rest and recover as the Working Dad above did. For the dads that stay-at-home or work part-time, I’m just citing playground hearsay.
Shankari Chandran is a recent returner after ten years in London. Formerly a social justice lawyer, Shankari chronicles the day-to-day of her family’s return on her blog.
I’m curious and I’d like to poll the cyber-playground. What do other parents think and what have you experienced about this attitude?
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Comments
386 Comments so far
I definitely believe in a little teamwork, and not a division of chores. I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years to special needs kids, and it was very hard to get the balance right, ie: achieving my sanity, a clean house and happy children in no particular order. I’ve recently gone back to school as well. however, I luckily ducked away for a girls weekend away about 3 years ago, and have made the point of going away for 2-3 days each year since. My husband saw just how much work I do around the house and with the children, and he doesn’t know how I do it all. Since that lifesaving first weekend, he has been much more aware about what is happening around the house , and the children, and pitching in when I ask. ( it doesn’t cross his mind, doing laundry / dishes, unless i mention it). It’s not perfect yet , our little system, but i’m feeling much more appreciated for the work that gets done at home.
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Oh man, articles like this make me realise how lucky (maybe even lazy I am) Hubby and I both work full time (he can rack up 55+ hours most weeks and I stroll home after 38) he earns double+ my salary. Not only does he cook 95% of the time – even on weekends, he also does 100% of the outside chores, more than 50% of the indoor chores, participates 110% in the child’s sport several nights a week to the point where he now coaches our son’s basketball team, spends more money on both of us than himself, does 100% of the driving in the weekends and never once complains.
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Take each person’s physical and mental health, hours worked, energy expended at work, risk at work (eg a soldier shot at for 6 months greatly impacts their mental health), stress levels, mix it all together and work out who does what based on all of those factors. That means someone sweating 4-6 litres of sweat on the job as a roofer in 50degree heat will probably be far too exhausted to spend heaps of time on housework vs someone in an office who works for longer but doesn’t have their body taxed as much. A sick person can’t do as much of course, someone pregnant can’t do as much as someone not pregnant probably (for some of the time from what I’ve heard, don’t hate me!).
My friend has a partner who works underground in the mines on FIFO and the entire offtime is spend rehydrating and fixing the body up since the mining is EXTREMELY hot and hard work, she is more than happy to do more of the housework for him because that job is quite evil on the body although it does pay fabulously.
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As a SAHM who also works part time from home, I certainly do more around the house than my husband but he does bath and bed for our toddler at night and does some housework on weekends – while working 60 plus hours a week in a physically demanding job.
I feel that we each pull our weight in the family – and I think that’s the key – whatever arrangement feels FAIR to the parties involved is the right one.
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Just because (usually the man) earns a living doesn’t mean that is all they should have to do. If they were single, with no children, they would be forced to cook, clean and do washing etc. The fact that they have a wife/partner doesn’t mean they should get to hand all duties other than work over to them. Yes a relationship should be built on wanting to help the other person, but it rarely works that way. Last night I said to my husband “do you ever even think about doing the dishes?’ and he said no. I have Lupus and when our son was a baby I was very anaemic, run down, tired and eventually needed to go on medication but no matter how bad I got, my husband refused to get up at night because he had to go to work. He is not a bad person, but he is basically selfish. Now he has cancer, and has had one of his lungs removed, it is too late for me to insist he does anything because of course he’s sick and he’s tired. However he has never once shown me the same consideration even though I have been living with a disease for most of our marriage!
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In regards to the baby night wakings. I am a SAHM and have newborn twins. I choose to deal with it most of the time on my own, as frankly, I am better at the whole thing. If my husband helps out, it usually results in an unsettled baby (or two!) that I have to deal with anyway. It’s much quicker on my own.
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This is hilarious and scary as it’s so true. I’ve just started back at work 3 days a week for the money, sanity and stimulation after being SAHM with 3 kids. Hubby works long hrs and like the Shankari says, is the primary earner with expectations to match. Now that I’m working, he feels that he’s pitching in even more ie. helping get kids ready for school / childcare…but that’s it! I do all the house work, laundry, shopping, bills, household coordination etc. He’s grumbling about not riding his bike and how much over and above he now has to do. What I begrudge and continually emphasise to him is that as a SAHM you don’t really get any ‘recognition’. Nothing’s ever finished, it’s a constant cycle and runs from 6.30 am til 9 pm, and on weekends. Time with kids is awesome and I see coffee with the girls as an occasional ‘bonus’! But, At least with work, I can sit down, converse with adults, use my well earned thinking skills! I do feel like a Stepford wife when I was a SAHM but how do you change them without having a nervous breakdown!
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Shankari, You have stirred a hornet’s nest. This will buzz for a while. Good for some to let out the built up albeit justifiable frustrations. It is therapeutic. Feel sad for those who have to double up on their job – earner and house maker.
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I think we have missed the point. Marriage is not about tit for tat and keeping a ledger of who does more. Be a team. I try to do as much as I can to make my husband’s life easier and better. He does the same for me. I get up for bub every night that I am not working and the days when I work hubby and I share. If you are in a relationship where each party is not doing their all for each other and the family it won’t work. Also think about the message it’s ends to your kids to squabble over chores…
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Yes. As a mum of 3 under 5, Husbands should contribute to housework. But by the time you get up to 3 kids, they don’t. I am a stay at home mother and felt a failure – and was tired, emotional and I was getting behind on everything to do with the house. I couldn’t do it. I Yet I could manage a team of 15 in my paid working careery and juggled a multi million dollar budget. My husband and I had a serious talk. And in order for me to get some sanity, time at the gym and a night off – we found a solution that worked for us: a live in au pair for 45 hours work for $250 per week who worked side by side with me in the house. It literally has saved my health – both physically and mentally – and strengthened my marriage. I am no longer “shouty mummy” but happy mummy – and the cleaning tasks are equally shared by my beautiful happy fun and gently au pair – an Australian country girl. She is our 4th au pair now. From a financial perspective it meant i had to ditch one day of day care for my 2 year old (the day I did the shopping and went to the gym) – but in return I have a happy family, happy husband, and clean house. It’t not for everyone – and its not long term – but now, I outsource many of the household maintenance tasks. It just got too hard and stressful on our marriage. What was that post on Facebook I saw the other day: “When a man says he’s going to do something, he will. You just don’t have to keep reminding him every 6 months.”
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I have read all these comments with much interest.
I work 4 days/week and husband works variable hours (he’s self-employed – it depends on how much work he has on) but about the same as me. We earn approx the same amount per annum, although his income obviously varies too.
The thing is, he’s self-employed and works from home. So he has a lot more innate flexibility in his work hours. He does the vast bulk of the preschool runs (I do the child care ones with the younger child as the centre is at my work), and the bulk of the cooking – but more because he’s worlds better at it than me. He deals with the wood fire and all of the gardening. We have a fortnightly cleaner. I do the food and household shopping, the ongoing tidying etc, the daily kitchen cleaning (although he does that fairly often too), the laundry, and the child-related arrangements, bag packing for the day etc. We both think we do more than the other one. He probably spends more time with the boys than I do. It’s mostly working for us. He feels hard done by, but I think it’s pretty even.
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I love this article beause this issue has been a Bone of contention for my husband and i for a long time.
He’s FIFO, he does 7/7. Which means he only works 2 weeks out of a month.
I work fulltime 46 hours a week, and also hit the gym after work five days a week to maintain a healthy weigt as i sit down at a desk all day at work.
I come home at 7pm weekdays, and im so tired. And when my husband’s on his R&R on his swing off site, he really doesnt contribute to much housework. As he is not used to doing it up north in Karratha, hes not in the habit of doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms etc. unfortunately, i find myself attending to all housework duties, and work crazy fulltime hours. I dont have children, and i DREAD the idea of having children. I already dont have time for myself as it is, if your not counting my gym time, i cant imagine having children. I think it’ll be the death of me!
I love reading all these working mums and SAHM’s opinions here, it helps me to understand how you guys do it, and what it’s like for you. I take my metaphorical hat off to you women.
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My partner is also FIFO 14/14 and I work and study full-time. When he is home I expect him to pull his weight, and he is happy too. There are some things that I say to just leave for me but we share home jobs equally and it keeps us both happy.
You should talk to your husband about it! Good luck!
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I am a full time working mother, and my husband is a stay at home day. He definately does a larger portion of the housework, actually if I am honest he probably does it all. I don’t expect him to do it, and on weekends I will run the vacum around and put washing on etc but on the weekends my priority is spending time with our son…the house work can wait..and if it so happens my husband get to it before me…well..then so be it! I dont think I should get out of doing it…but I certainly don’t make it a priority.
The comment that going to work is easier, yes I might be able to have an adult conversation or go to the toilet alone…but I also have deadlines, KPI’s and high levels of pressure to perform, I can’t just have a pj day when its all a bit much….
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You hit the nail on the head for me there Neola. Im a secondary earner too, and yes, i kow i have to dot he housework otherwise it wont get done and my mother will scrunch her noise in disappointment every time she comes over, but for the life of me, i cant mop! Or dust properly..or even cook!
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I think all of Shankari’s posts should be titled ‘Written by Shankari’ just so i don’t miss them – always love your writing.
Since becoming a ‘Secondary Earner’ (my wage is now so secondary, it’s practically tokenistic) I’m really trying to step up in the laundry department and manage all the errands, bill-paying, shopping and cooking. Trouble is, I’m so domestically challenged. I feel like I need to learn how to clean properly…anyone else feel like they can’t mop a floor properly? Just me?
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Hey Neola, thank you very much, I was getting that Friday night Losing The Will To [Live] [Argue With My Children] thing I get on Friday nights, when I saw your comment and it made me laugh. Regarding mopping, I am training our two preschoolers to walk around the kitchen with wet tea towels on their feet. I kid you not. They think it’s hilarious and whilst it’s not thorough, it seems to do a better job than me. x
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Love your posts too Shankari
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Ha ha! I love this! Forget the tea towels- check these out! I bought a pair for a friend whose one job around the house was mopping the floors on a Saturday while his wife had a lie in (he was the primary breadwinner and a VERY nice husband!)
http://mopshoe.com
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Yes to the mopping inability! I can clean other things perfectly adequately, but have always been bad at mopping!!
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Oooo this is an interesting between my husband and I, for a long time I did everything, he went to work. He has come along way with this! It didn’t help his mother told him he shouldn’t have help out it was my job! And if I couldn’t make theses expectation than I was lazy and unorganized. ‘back in when I raised 3 kids I did it all…’ so I had very high expectations from the start. I didn’t like it but I just assumed well he works really hard but I was working part time, studying and had a baby. I did everything, absolute everything. If it needed doing apart from moving. I did it. I was exhausted.
Plus all extra activities he takes them to now. Life is good and I don’t take anyone’s advice – now and then my MIL will comment my husband is doing too much, I just say he loves me and the kids, thats not a chore!
I had a break down, my husband was very supportive but his family made me feel like a failure of a mother. Like how hard is it too get up to a baby every night 25 times, function through the day then make sure everything else was done.
From that day on my husband help out. I told him he is lucky he gets just to ‘play’ with the kids. Being a parent isnt a chore. He is really good with three kids, soon to be four we are now a team. None of this you do everything as I work and you don’t! He just comes home and takes over the boys, home work, bath, books, and more they love it. Oh and ironing!! He kept saying i wasnt doing a good job so guess what thats been his job for a couple of years now
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The minute the household chores and the work are divided between two people , a deep chasm is created….. It’s just a very sad state of affairs to see the man relaxing and enjoying his time off while the stay at home mom works 24*7…….
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Definitely yes – Of course the so called bread winner has to do his/her share.
NOTE: Bathing children and taking your kids to Saturday Sport is called “being a parent”.
I have done both and the easy one is ‘going out to work’ by a long long way.
You can have a conversation, go to the toilet, make a phone call, look out the window, take a moment to collect yourself, go out to lunch etc without having to make sure everything is secure or simply by yourself. The daily home duties tasks on top of taking absolute responsibility of ‘the children’ are at the bottom of the food chain and the absolute drudge – as soon as you do them they have to be done again, and again, and again – no one says ‘thank you’ or ‘you did a really good job’ – If you don’t show for work (home duties) they certainly let you know how you are going wrong and are not shy about letting you know. Working hours for the stay at home is 18 hours a day 7days a week 52 weeks a year with no days off including Christmas & Good Friday or so called holidays !!!
NOTE #2: Bathing children and taking your kids to Saturday Sport is called “being a parent”
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They definitely SHOULD help. I was a SAHM and I didn’t get to sit down until around 9pm. The days with my young boys were hectic, and my then husband was of the opinion that he brought home the money, I stayed at home so I should be doing all of the house work.
I was expected to…
get up to the boys during the night, do all of the household duties, cook, clean, wash floors, wash the cars, gardening etc.
He sat back, I worked my arse off and grew very resentful. So, I layer out what I do, how much I was paid as an hourly rate while working, added on after hours call out fees (for when the kids woke during the night and informed him that he couldn’t afford to pay me what I’m worth. I went on a 9 day holiday and left the children with him
. It gave him a much better understanding of my days and he realised what a pr&$k he had been. I love my children but would MUCH rather the opportunity to work and have a break from children. You use an unbelievable amount of energy keeping them entertained and stopping fights etc. Even shopping trips are hard work.
Staying at home’s a JOB and when you’re both home, it should be a team effort.
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Hey, I can leave home at 6 am and arrive home any time between 6 and 8 pm at night, the last thing I want to do is housework or cook meals. Yes I get quite angry and upset when I have to especially when someone is home all day. But the kids bit, that I will do. Nothing is more precious than spending time with your kids, and trust me as they get older and don’t want to spend time with you you will wish you did. You may be the bread winner and I get it you are bringing the money in for the kids, to give them a better life but trust me, money is nothing compared to spending that time with your children when you can. I never missed a sports day even if I could only get there for half a day, reading in the classroom when they were in primary school, canteen duty, concerts, parent teacher interviews, even when they boys were straight A students I would still go, I even traveled 3 and a half hours for parent teacher interviews, which in total took 35 minutes, as my youngest son won a scholarship to attend a school in the city. So to the person who didn’t want to get up on the Saturday and take the kids to sport, do it, that is quality time that you can never get back.
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I am a 27yr old single mum of 5, my husband left me for someone else so I work have children and I’m a nursing student….I have to do everything but according to people on here I think I should be able to either quit work or quit housework….I assume the fairies will do it when I sleep!!!
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And when they’ve finished with your place Rebecca, send them round to mine – although with only 3 kids I guess I have plenty more time than you!
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I keep threatening to put Swiffer cloths on the dog’s paws so that at least the floors would get a regular polish, but as a single mumma who works full time, so there is no option in our home other than for the breadwinner (me) to do the housework. Sadly, the house cleaning fairies aren’t on Facebook so they missed my status last week: Hoping the cleaning, washing, folding and (if it’s not too much to ask) ironing fairies are busy at my house while I’m at work … Lazy Strumpets! http://wp.me/p1m5Gv-HL
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God these comments are making me feel like the lazy, unorganised slob I probably am. Are there any families out there who just live in survival mode? On a good day (i’m a SAHM at the moment with a 7 month old) i successfully get the 2 oldest off to school, get a few loads of washing done, bit of grocery shopping, cook a pretty crap tea, do the afterschool activities, supervise homework, bath and bed….. and that’s it! I haven’t personally held the vacume or mop in months (hubby does when it gets dire!), the pantry is in shambles and instead of wardrobes and drawers the family clothes live on the lounge and we just pillage as needed. How do all these people manage all the cleaning, folding clothes, mowing lawns etc etc and look after kids at the same time and get some down time??
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Sounds like you’re doing pretty well to me. I’ve got a two yo & an eight month old and our living room looks like a laundry!
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Forget the down time, it doesn’t happen until they get older. You are doing a great job, I was like you as well I had clothes in the lounge room, very rarely the clothes made it to the wardrobes. You have a HOME, it looks like its lived in, not one of these houses that people try to call home, that doesn’t have a thing out of place.
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Haha I know what you mean!
I have a ten month old at home and two older ones at school
I have no idea how they do it! I am buggered after doing not much at all and these women go go go!
My aunt is one of those women..she’ll walk after the kids and pick up what they’ve dropped and clean their rooms 3-4 times a day
She came here to visit and couldn’t believe how relaxed it was!
It’s cause our house was fine we could and did sit down and done nothing No picking toys up no vacuuming twice a day!
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For the greater good of our relationship – im happy to do the housework during the day where i can – if it means when hubby gets home from work we can sit down, have dinner, communicate and be intimate! Dont get me wrong, he’ll do jobs if i ask him, but some things are more important. Housework isn’t worth the trouble, id prefer to pay a cleaner if it ever became an issue
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Agreed. The two household tasks that used to cause friction between my husband and I were the supermarket shopping and dishes. We now do online grocery shopping with home delivery ($10 a week for delivery, but we definitely save money by avoiding impulse buys), and we got a dishwasher.
Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff!
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Absolutely – its only a chore if you make it one.
We (as a couple) are equal, we both contribute, we both provide financially, we both have our opinions, we both do our own type of jobs around the house.
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I think it depends on how old the kids are! Dealing with a toddler all day is certainly very different to dropping kids off at school and having at least 6 hours free!
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With the photo used for this story, I wonder if you wind the clock back 6 hours, if you wouldnt see the bloke working his arse off and his wife having coffees with the girls. This issue is not as black and white as you are trying to make out.
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what are the kids doing while the wife is having all her coffees??
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Not sure about yours, mine attended many a coffee and cake session in their time, and now are at school with mrs bull still enjoying coffees with the mums. Everyones situation is different, that is my point.
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Well, lucky mrs bull.
Personally, I’ve always worked and coffee with the girls (or shopping) has been sporadic at best, or in a tea room at work actually.
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Maybe she did and why not let her have a coffee now and then – after all, doesn’t the average bread-earner get to go for regular coffee and lunch breaks EVERY DAY (as is the law!) Plus additional team-building beers, boozy work lunches and the like?
Having a break doesn’t mean you’re not working your arse off, either at home or the office.
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Have you ever actually been to a cafe with children before?? Not sure about how perfectly behaved your kids are, but I can assure you my 2 1/2 year old and 1 year old make coffee shop meet ups far from relaxing or enjoyable.
While you are imagining wifey sitting with her friends sipping lattes and chatting about the latest baby settling techniques, while toddler sits calmly in her seat enjoying a babycino and looking adorable, and baby sleeps peacefully in pram… it is probably more likely to be wifey in a constant state of panic as toddler pours babycino all over the floor then runs behind the counter and tries to eat cake out of the display cabinet, while baby screams, pukes all over her and won’t stay in pram but refuses to sit on her lap… meaning she spends 99% of her time running around after kids, cleaning up food and various liquids off the floor and furniture, taking toddler to the toilet, and apologising to other customers before finally admitting defeat, sculling luke warm coffee as she walks out the door, and having a quiet cry in the car on the way home.
Coffee with the girls sounds incredible glamorous. Let me assure you with children it is far from it!
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I did post earlier but I’m just surprised at the number of stay at home mums who feel entitled to stay at home and still demand their working partners put in extra hours around the house.
I guess I’m coming from a different perspective – I am the main breadwinner and I don’t care what any one says, my job is more stressful, demanding and harder work than my husband’s, who just hangs out at home with the kids.
I wonder if some of these stay at home mums would change their tune if – like me – they had to go out and work all day while their hubbies sleep in, go to the shops and potter around the house. I wonder how they would feel if they came home exhausted and with a full pay packet and then got nagged to do housework when their partners have had all day to do it!
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You’re joking, right? Or just stirring, surely?
…”their hubbies sleep in, go to the shops and potter around the house” … and their partners “just hang out” and have had “all day” just to do housework.?
I really don’t believe you have children, or if you do, you have never looked after them as you have absolutely no concept of what’s involved.
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Well I really don’t believe you’ve ever worked in a high-pressure, demanding job as you have absolutely no concept of what’s involved.
And yes, we have kids and yes I stayed home for three months with one of them. My husband ‘s job on the domestic front is important and I’m not complaining about my job, I love it. But is his job difficult? Not so much.
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…”I really don’t believe you’ve ever worked in a high-pressure, demanding job”. Well in that case, you’d be very, very wrong
And three whole months with one child? You think that’s enough time to assess and judge and comment?
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Are your children at school Sally? Otherwise I’m wondering where they are while your husband is sleeping in, going to the shops and pottering around.
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Well there you go, you haven’t got a clue what it’s like. Your husband deserves more respect.
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Sorry ladies but I’m with Sally on this one. I am currently a SAHM of four, 2 @ school, 3 yo and baby. Staying home is awesome. Sure there are tough days but it’s a labour of love. You cannot honestly compare hanging at the park, going to play group, taking the kids to the beach plus a couple of hours of housework a day with a full time demanding job. Both my husband and I recognize staying home is the plumb job which is why next year I’m going back full time and he’s staying home with the kids. Fair is fair!
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Both my husband and I recognize that going to work is the plumb job. And we both have worked in very busy stressful jobs. My husband just had a few days with the kids without me and he told me each night that it was easier being at work.
Everyone’s situation is different.
And when the hell does the SAH parent get to sleep in??? All I can say is you lucky lucky bastard.
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what stay at home parent gets to sleep in??
You make it sound like such parents laze in bed till 9, calmly have a browse in peace at the shops and then spend idyllic time pruning roses and making iced tea!
You are joking right??
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The stay at home parents who plonk their kids in front of the tv and let them fetch their own biscuits out of the pantry for breakfast are the ones who get to sleep in.
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Why doesnt your husband work? Sorry i just cant comprehend how some men make their wives go and work amd they stay at home. I think both the woman and man should work. If someone should stay home for the kids, it wold be the mm because kids need their mothers the most. Just saying is all. My opinion. I Dont have kids but i am married, and i wouldnt tolerate my husband staying at hme while i worked.
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One thing I cannot understand, is house wives/husbands….by that I mean, one person who stays at home, with no children, no carer responsibilities, not studying, just stays at home for no reason other than “tradition” and doesn’t work at all, but still expects the working partner to help out.
Can’t fathom it at all.
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I actually don’t know any couples who have this arrangement. I would be bored out of my brain sitting at home all day!
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Oh I’ve heard of a few, there are a couple of blog I’ve read in this situation. I would be bored shitless too!
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My kids are both at high school and I don’t do any paid work. I really just want my husband to look after the outside. I don’t feel like I have to get a job, I can afford to stay home and I’m certainly not bored.
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Well, I sincerely hope you never go down the unfortunate path my mother did, when my father died from cancer when she was in her 40s, having never worked.
He left super and life insurance but definitely not enough (because you’d need well invested millions) to last her through until her dying days not working. So not only did she have trouble finding employment, once she actually found it it was low paying, physically demanding and sporadic. She has next to no super and now only about 10 years left of working before she will have to retire and probably go on the pension.
Hope that never happens to you.
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I agree with a comment made earlier- we need to differentiate housework from parenting. Mg view is Parenting should always be split when both parents are home (and I would imagine thd working parent would want to do more seeing as they haven’t seen their child all day). All the housework including food shopping but excluding garden and dishes should be done by the parent at home. Don’t have kids yet but this is what I intend to do! Having said this at the moment we both work similar hours and bring home similar pay, and he prob does more around the house than me, so I think he will be great : )
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I agree with a comment made earlier- we need to differentiate housework from parenting. Parenting should always be split when both parents are home (and I would imagine thd working parent would want to do more seeing as they haven’t seen their child all day). All the housework including food shopping but excluding garden and dishes should be done by the parent at home. Don’t have kids yet but this is what I intend to do!
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My ex husband had this attitude, especially after I had stayed home with our first child. He became very entitled. This is a large part of the reason he is an ex husband. People thought I had PND. I was just physically exhausted.
Years later, with a bunch more kids and a new husband I am the breadwinner. I still do quite a bit of housework. I do all the cooking. We shop together. We both tidy and vac and do the bathroom. House hub keeps us in clean clothes and keeps the kitchen sparkly. We do the yard work together, but I do the heavy stuff as hub has a slight disability.
We do what works and gives us both time to be together and as a family.
That’s the secret – do what works for you.
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I agree with someone below who said this argument should really apply to couples without children. Otherwise it’s really pretty basic, short tasks you’re bickering about! Shopping, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, making the bed, doing the washing – I barely even notice I’m doing it when I’m singing to my iPod, or on the phone, or chatting with my beautiful man. What are all these back breaking chores people are on about? I get that with kids it must be much much harder, but otherwise people just need to chill out a bit!
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Us single parents don’t even have this conversation.
Seriously, it’s not 1955 anymore. Negotiate and find a solution that suits you both. Seething and feeling resentful is just ridiculous.
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You took the words right out of my mouth. Thankyou.
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I’m typing this having just come home from along hard but enjoyable day at work. Having operated on children’s eyes all morning and then seen and managed 36 children in a clinic this aftenoon. I’m shattered and yet when I get home I find my wife looking even more frazzled than I do. Work is easier than home duties ad is far more rewarding on a regular basis. Family units work on each person assessing each others needs and helping when appropriate. When ingot back I said I just need a few minutes to unwind and stop thinking about eyes before I pitch in with other stuff. My wife is amazing and somehow manages to balance everything along with part time work. I hope I support her enough but probably she does more than she should because I’m physically not there as much of the day.
The sooner you both get the boring things done the sooner the more fun things can take priority. Anyway better go the wife has my dinner on the table!
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You sound pretty amazing yourself!
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I’m surprised (from the comments I’ve read) that people don’t get a professional cleaner if the domestic work is causing friction.
I’m a single mum who works full time. I’ve always said that I’ll get a cleaner when housework takes over my spare time and time I should be spending with my son.
Some people would see it as unnecessary as they can do the jobs themselves but I would see it as a good investment for your own health and well being.
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Cleaners are great – but they don’t tidy. When my cleaner leaves, my house is spotless but the piles of crap no one puts away are now in neat little piles (of crap) waiting for all of us to put them away – my dream is for a housekeeper who does the lot.
Like Alice from the Brady Bunch!
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You could employ a housekeeper rather than just a cleaner – they would tidy. Our fortnightly cleaner (am jealous of the one below only costing $40, ours is $100!) is marvellous, and it forces us to tidy and sort things once a fortnight. I like that there is an agenda that forces me to stay on top of things!!
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If only we could afford a cleaner, but living on the bones of our arses because of my hubby’s ridiculous debts (oh, if only I’d asked to see his bank account before it was too late!) and my wish to be a SAHM for my kids it’s never going to happen. Ho hum.
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Am SO hearing you! I’ve only just started paying a cleaner as I can finallly afford it – it’s only $40 a fortnight but I come home on Friday evening after she’s been in for two hours and the house is polished to perfection (shame about the piles of crap…but still…)
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cleaners are wonderful! at present we don’t have children but working a job that is more than full time (60-70 hours a week) and a partner that lives/works away many nights a week housework just is not a priority for me. getting a cleaner for $40/fortnight is the best investment – significantly less strain on the relationship!! and for us, $40 lost a fortnight is barely noticed. i see it as an investment to our relationship and spare time. never going back now!!!!!!
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My wife is the primary breadwinner and does the housework. Fortunately she doesn’t have time to read Shankari’s articles otherwise my life may take a turn for the more arduous!
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Cannot believe we are still having this conversation in 2012. If you’re still letting a man baffle you with this bullshit, then you deserve to be his doormat. Just don’t bitch and moan about it, because those of us with self-esteem are busy getting on with our lives.
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And yet in your comment the man seems to be the primary breadwinner? Hello, it’s 2012! It might be the woman earning and the man desperate to share the housework. Your assumption shows how far we have to go, since you were making the comment from a ‘feminist’ stance, yet are too entrenched in tradition to see you were being sexist. Heck!
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those are some big assumptions you’re making there. You can’t possibly know that from these comments, stop being argumentative just for the sake of it.
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Who was that comment to? Kelly mentions “a man baffle you” and the baffled partner therefore deserving to be a “doormat” (aka presumably the STHM). Erm then responds that it’s not necessarily the woman who’s staying at home and the man who’s the breadwinner. Then you appear to have called Erm argumentative and making big generalisations. That doesn’t make sense. Please explain!
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My husband and I have an 11 month old and he’s now a stay at home dad while I am back to work. It was a tough decision but it was right for our family. The majority of the ‘non-earner’ duties have shifted to him but there are some that I’m happy to keep. We try and be flexible, cooperative and considerate … though sometimes we can behave like petulant children. Mostly our approach runs smoothly – if it didn’t work then I’d change it! To be honest the older I get the more I realise how my attitude and approach to life as ‘the mother’ sets the foundation for our household – and if it means that I keep smiling and pack up the Duplo that’s been in the hallway for three days even though part of me screams ‘Not Fair!’, in the big picture we’re all happier.
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This article makes me love my husband even more! There was never a question for us- we share everything. I stay at home with our little ones and get whatever housework i can done during the day. He works, ( quite long hours actually), and then comes home. Once he’s home we share everything until both kids are asleep and our dinners are on the table. Then we relax and enjoy each other. It’s total bliss!
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I have to laugh… Running a house is supposed to be a partnership, not a boss/employee relationship isnt it?
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I work full time. I earn the most money. Hubby’s $$$ contribution is close to mine though. I however do most of the housework unless I write him a list. He’s not anti housework, he just doesn’t see it and it doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t think about school uniforms in the same way I do. He’s not the most modern of men in that he’s not comfortable in front of a stove and watching him clean the kitchen is like watching a snail try to win a race, so annoying. That said, he has his uses, he can put a shelf up in the bathroom in seconds, light globes and batteries are changed before I need to worry and I have no idea what night our bins have to go out or how to clean the pool. I asked hubby for more help around the house recently as I was being a pregnant whinging wife, he compromised and booked the cleaners twice a week instead of once and then paid them up front for 3 months. He rocks, his solution is “I”ll work harder to buy the stuff that I need to pay for to ensure I don’t have to do it” – fair enough. That said, I have friends whose hubby’s pull the “I earn the money”, “I have to work all day”, “I need rest on the weekends” and all I can say is that I have been a SAHM and Full Time CEO of massive multi-million dollar business and let me tell you, I’d MUCH prefer to be the CEO thank you very much. So to all those women out there who feel that their hubby works in a “high stress environment and deserve time out on the weekends” – they have you conned. When you have time to buy a coffeee or someone to get you a coffee at work, time to think and time to not have to worry about toddlers, school and ironing – life IS EASY. Don’t let them forget that and as for housework……everyone should do their bit….
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Perhaps depends on how many kids you have? I’m no CEO but I have a job I love. But looking after 1 toddler is definitely easier and less stressful than my job – including doing the night and “kid is sick” time on my own.
It’s a different kind of stress/difficulty though. Job is akin to sprinting with regular breaks and someone else is telling you how fast you need to run each time. Looking after kid/house is like a marathon walk with very few breaks but you get to decide how fast to go.
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Umm, her name pretty much says it all.
SHe has 4 kids and is pregnant with her 5th. I think that being a CEO may well be easier/less chaotic.
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I love – LOVE, this post
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my partner has the same attitude.. and god i love him for it. sometimes the silliest things cause friction and can really just be outsourced to someone else to help out! it sounds like you’ve got yourself a good catch there x
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It’s not the division of household labour that bothers me – it’s the attitude of “I earn the money, therefore I have more rights in the relationship….”
Is it a marriage or a power struggle? (I dont care if you are actually married or not).
Either you’re working as a team or not. We are all doing this for the good of the family. The marriages around me which I feel nervous for, are the marriages where one is doing all the running around after the family and the other partner is disengaged from family life.
All contributions are equial towards the famiy, whether cash or time. I may be doing more household tasks one week, the next it may be my husband. Work as a team, work to your strengths. One role is as valuable as the next, but for diffeent reasons.
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Very topical and timely post for my marriage, Shanks… last week at the age of 50 my husband announced his retirement, starting in two weeks. I am partly horrified (he is a very ‘young’ and active 50, and it seems wrong to think of him as retired- though as he says, what better time of life to be retired than when you have your health and kids who still want to hang out with you?) and partly elated (I will not cook dinner or do a freezing 6:30-in-the-dark-and-rain footy pick up EVER AGAIN).
We can afford it largely due to some dumb blind luck with shares 20 years ago, and I intend to keep working myself… but that said, because of those shares he will still earn more in retirement than I will in 5 days/week work, even if he sits on the couch all day. (Admittedly, I chose two of the lowest paying professions possible: public health employee & novelist.) I am not showing him this post in case he thinks that that higher earning capacity justifies said all-day couch sitting… ask me again in six months how this works out. (NB. If I haven’t killed him by then for wandering once too often into my study at a loose end).
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He’s retiring without even discussing that decision with you?
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Good God no!!! We’ve talked about it and done the sums for the last year- he just made it public (and final) last week.
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I’m the breadwinner and still do the bulk of the housework. It’s really frustrating. Sometimes my other half is suffering a bad back, but even so, it still boils down to me. He says he’s very appreciative of me, and tells our boys how lucky they are, but it’s gotten to the point where I want family counselling. My hubby is on a disability pension at the moment, but has been assessed as being able to do a certain no. of hours a week so hopefully he can do some paid work again soon. This frustrates him a great deal. The other day I read a comment online, ‘Ladies, if a man says he will do something, then he will do it. There’s no need to nag him every six months’. Many a true word has been spoken in jest, right?
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My husband is great-very helpful around the house. He works full time (gone 7.00am-7.00pm andI work 4 days a week but generally get stuck doing all the after school activities, appointments, homework supervision etc as I am home earlier. I thought my husband had a full understanding of how exhausting it was (he always nodded sympathetically when i belly ached about it) UNTIL he had a 6 week break between jobs. IT WAS BLISS! I could work back until 6.00pm and get some work done instead of laying in bed stressing about it. I swanned in to find dinner on the table, homework completed, after school activities over. It was an epiphany on many levels. Firstly, I had always felt sorry for HIM working longer hours…. NA-AH! MUCH easier. I had always thought of myself as the “cranky parent” while he was the pleasant, happy one. Now I smiled happily at my family while HE stressed and nit picked at the kids- ohhhh, cranky parent! The funniest thing of all was that he lasted 3 weeks (3 MEASLY WEEKS!) before taking me aside one night to “have a talk”. “You’re not pulling your weight” he informed me somberly. “I have done nothing but runaround from one place to another. The kids behaviour has deteriorated since I have been off- they won’t just do their homework, they muck about and work avoid. You have NO IDEA how exhausting and stressful this is”. HE WAS SERIOUS! Pardon me, but did Dobby the House Elf die? Who do you think did all this every week for 12 years before you helped out for 3 weeks?? AND YOU’RE NOT WORKING! I laughed myself sick, and he still hasn’t lived it down. Epiphany number 2 was that he hadn’t really listened to a single whinge or understood what I was on about until he did it himself (just heard “blah, blah, blah” I think!).
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Oh my I got this too. Bless my husband he attempted the stay at home dad thing – declaring to all and sundry that I was complaining about nothing. I went back to work and he last about a month.
It was the constantness of it for him – the constant washing, the constant cleaning the constant disciplining, the constant demands from the kids.
Mine had a similar epiphany to your husband – I didn’t get the “we need to talk” comments so much as the “I totally underestimated how hard it was”.
HOWEVER he still pushes the boundaries on doing stuff, just makes me ask that third time for something to be done, just to check if I REALLY want him to do it, or if I’ll do it myself …
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It took one day. I was sick on Sunday and had to stay in bed all day. “They don’t do what I say!” he whines, “They’re so messy”, “They don’t like the food I cook”, “I’m exhausted! you have to get up and look after them so I can cook dinner”.
I say “I could go back to work, I loved work, I’ll do my studies part-time, you take some unpaid leave and be a stay at home dad for a while.” he says “Nah, but I promise to clean more.”
(Just noting that he does actually come home and pitch in, it’s just he’d never been alone with the kids for more than an hour or two before and the shock nearly killed him)
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My husband works ridiculously long hours at times. Tonight for example, he probably won’t be home until 10:30ish, after starting at 6am. Obviously this isn’t great for many reasons, but I work part time because of it and will do the bulk of the housework and childcare too. This is a longstanding arrangement and we’re both ok with it.
Ironically, my hourly rate is higher than his, but Qld health doesn’t like paying overtime, unlike his company.
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My husband and I both work full time. I earn more but his contribution is significant. He does more with the kids and around the house than I ever could. I am exhausted when I get home and weekends are family and recovery time. He cooks, washes and shops for our groceries. I am very lucky! He came to me well trained.
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My husband is the primary earner in our house, and I work part-time from home in a paid job and am a full time mum to my two children.
While I keep the house running during the week – making dinner, doing washing, shopping, general tidying etc, we do our ‘big’ cleaning jobs together on weekends. The whole family pitches in to put every single toy away and move the lounges to thoroughly vacuum and mop. We dust, clean bathrooms, the kitchen and laundry and clean the car together.
This way, we both contribute and feel like we are working as a team, but we are also setting a good example for our little boy and girl. I used to try and do it all during the week (before I was working in a paid part-time job) but came to realise that I was setting the exact opposite example of family life for my children than I wanted. Now, my children see their mum AND their dad working at paid jobs, and working together around the house. While there are jobs that mummy mostly does, or that daddy mostly does, there are no jobs that daddy or mummy won’t do – we all work together.
Just a couple of weeks ago my son was telling someone that he felt glad that he gets to grow up to be a daddy, but his sister has to be a mummy. When they asked him why he told them, ‘Daddy gets lots of breaks from his work, but mummy’s jobs never stop.’ That’s my boy – and the start of the man I want him to be!!!
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So you want your kids to be moulded into gender roles before they can even decide for themselves?
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That’s not how I understand Kel’s comment to be saying at all. In fact, quite the opposite. They all pitch in and help.
Of course the kids are going to see their parents do certain jobs, by Kel doesn’t actually say which jobs she does as the mum and her husband does at the dad.
I think you are setting a great example Kel!
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“…he gets to grow up to be a daddy, but his sister has to be a mummy.”
That bothered me, I apologise if I’ve misunderstood. The assumption of roles based on gender and even the assumption of parenting status. The poster was encouraging this.
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I think you did mis-understand, because that line is probably quite true. Girls won’t grow up to dad’s and vice versa.
Kel was not encouraging gender roles based on specific household chores. For all we know, in that household, mum chops firewood and dad bakes and sews school uniforms.
Regarding the assumption of parenting status… I think you are reading waaay too much into this. For the most part, young children just look up to their parents and think they are fantastic and see themselves as doing it one day.
My youngest who is 3 is constantly doing role plays where she says ‘I’ll be the mumma and you be the darling’. I haven’t taught her to play like that, not ever. She is just absorbed in her surroundings and playing out what makes her feel comforted and loved.
It’s usually not until people get older that whole ‘assumption of parenting status’ bothers them. Little kids are little kids. Their world revolves around their family so of course when a family is doing things together, like household chores, they are going to identify themselves with their parents.
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My 3 and 5 year olds are constantly playing mummy and darling. The darling will call out ‘Mummy” and I get in so much trouble if I answer by accident!
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Ha ha! Same here!
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What I was actually meaning with my comment about what my son said was this: he sees that his dad goes to work, and comes home and then does some things around the house. Due to the fact that I work from home, I am forever balancing phone calls, emails, story time, hanging out/bringing in washing, bath-time and writing reports. My son does not see ‘staying at home’ as the lite option, and he knows (at five years of age) that my day starts long before the traditional working day, and ends long after.
For right or wrong, I am the chief in our house, and when my husband comes home he works to my schedule and helps where I need help. I was simply trying to show that my kids are seeing, by the example that we are trying to set, that there are all different kinds of work that have different types of value. Also, my son has seen my husbands office and thinks it is totally the coolest thing ever – and at five he thinks he will grow up and work in an office just like it, which is of course way better than working from home.
FYI – my husband and son have the every day job of loading and unloading the dishwasher – they do it together. Meanwhile, I have somehow ended up with the job of going out in the freezing cold and feeding the chickens and the dogs and cleaning out the rabbit hutch. My husband does breakfast with the kids – because he comes home too late for their dinner – and I sit with them while they have their dinner.
There are no gender specific or assigned roles in our house – we work really hard to make sure our kids see that all of the jobs are important and that if we all work as a team things are better, faster and we have more time for fun things.
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Good on you Kel.
Diana’s comments weren’t surprising though. She has issues with families, parents, kids, people asking about parents and kids and gender stereotypes. Pretty much anything to do with a family unit. Sad really.
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That’s not how I understand Kel’s comment to be saying at all. In fact, quite the opposite. They all pitch in and help.
Of course the kids are going to see their parents do certain jobs, by Kel doesn’t actually say which jobs she does as the mum and her husband does at the dad.
I think you are setting a great example Kel!
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It makes no difference to me – I’m the sole breadwinner, parent and the one who does all the housework. Oh the joys… I must be supermum, haha.
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My husband works away very often, but when he’s home he cooks alot and knows his way around a vacuum cleaner. Genious in the garden too. I find though that often our conversations seem to be a competiton over who works harder, who’s more tired etc.
I have 2 boys – grade 7 and grade 4. I’m teaching them young. They are skilled coffee & tea makers, can do a cooked breakfast and they do their own laundry. Still working on the aim in the toilet though….
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The way I see it, whether one stays home or both go to work, we all live in the house so we all have to pitch in.
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