As for success – it may not be something that you would put in your manifesto but for me, it’s about rejecting the superficial trappings of so-called success (e.g. money) and discovering what is much more important.

I’d love to know what you’d put in your manifesto! Cheers, Jodie.

It’s probably just a matter of my personality, but I am a very analytically-minded, scientifically inclined person. I tend to like to reach my own conclusions about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ideas in my own parenting choices, and to ensure that the ideas I decide are ‘good’ ideas are based on sound reasoning, evidence and logic. My own education and personality means I am inclined to approach just about everything as a ‘science’, and my parenting is no exception. So to me, parenting is both science and art. Also, during my teaching degree, it was pointed out to us a fair bit that teaching is both a ‘subtle science’ and an ‘exact art’ (yes, deliberately apparently back-to-front), and our study units crossed this spectrum accordingly. Since I see a lot of similarities (and differences!) between teaching and parenting, I’m satisfied that parenting can be considered both an art and a science. And yes, it has definitely challenged my capacities for flexibility, creativity and empathy!

However, I acknowledge that my personality is a huge part of the reason I think this way. I would never expect someone else to parent on the same basis, if they’re not so inclined.

Also, I kind of object to the bit where she talks about it *not* being about raising successful kids, but instead, it’s about raising kids that use and develop their gifts, enjoy satisfying work (and satisfaction in all of their life), and are resilient.

I was raised to understand that that *is* success! I mean, what are others saying is success? Money? Letters after your name? Yes, it makes life easier to earn enough to live contentedly within your means – and the reason many people don’t is because they yearn after too much, not because they don’t earn enough, IMO. And yes, I’m certainly not going to dispute the value of academic qualifications. I spent 6 and a half years in full-time tertiary study myself! And loved it! But that’s because I am that way inclined, and I can thrive through study, and gaining qualifications. Others thrive through self-employment, apprenticeships, etc. And there’s also the fact that I regard the last few years as a SAHM as quite a steep learning curve, in much the same way my uni years were. Challenging, thought-provoking… and generally successful. Not 100%, and not by every yard-stick out there – but to my own satisfaction.

When I read information that is given to parents – the kind of information that Jodie worries undermines parents’ confidence – I find myself doing the same thing I do with any advice, opinion piece or research article. Assessing it for myself, taking in what I agree with, ditching anything that’s inadequate, poorly-supported, or completely against my existing beliefs and values (the one exception being if my own beliefs had poor foundations, and the reasoning and evidence for change is outstanding). So although I read *heaps*, I have never found my confidence to be undermined. I find I just need to be prepared to say, “Oh *really*?!” or “Here we go, the pendulum’s swinging back again…”. Or alternatively, “Yep, makes sense, fits well with x, y and z (what I already thought)”, or “No way! That completely contradicts (basic values & beliefs that are the foundation of your parenting)” IMO, the reason these things undermine our confidence may well be because we *let* them. Or because we confuse confidence with stubbornness. I’m prepared to change *if* I’m convinced it’s worth it. If not, then why should I bother with all the fuss?

But as I said, I definitely agree with the general idea that looking after our kids means being confident and well-adjusted ourselves, and that confdence and following instincts is a better guide than an arbitrary rule-book, which probably won’t fit the particular parents or children.

However, I would just temper this with a *tiny* warning. Like any other parent, IMHO, your goal is to raise a child who will one day cut the apron strings / proverbial cord, and cope with life with minimal / no regular need for your support and assistance. This means your child should learn to understand, celebrate and deal realistically with their AS traits in an NT world. Of course, having a group to belong with is tremendously important. However, being overly insular will probably end up limiting options one day. Some limits can/should be accepted, some shouldn’t, and growing up should include deciding how you will and won’t limit yourself, or allow others to limit you.

However, as I said, my main response to your attitude is applause! I just hope this is a tiny grain of something to think about when takiing the long-term view.

Partly by design and partly by accident most of my truly close friends have kids on the spectrum.

Don’t think you have to mix your child with nt’s to try to make him socially ‘normal’. After 6 years in one school with only one other friend (who is also an aspie) I put my child into a school which has many children with special needs. Today she told me she is part of a ‘gang’. I nearly cried with happiness. All the girls in her ‘gang’ have special needs. Do I care? My heart is overflowing with joy that this year at school she feels like she belongs to a group.
As a very vocal aspie adult once wrote – you can’t make a cat a dog by insisting they spend time together.

I’m very pleased for you, explosion, that you have found that calmness within yourself.

Sorry, everyone, for the long off-topic post. As I said – today my heart is bursting with joy for my daughter.

Yes. Freedom. That is such a great word to describe how I feel at the moment.

PS. I love that know what an NT is Best wishes to you and your friend and your families.

Having a child on the spectrum can be a challenge, but it can bring its own joys.

I have struggled with parenting for 3.5 years. Never feeling good enough. Coping lots of criticism. Retreating. Wanting to run.

But here I am, with an inevitable aspergers diagnosis pending and realising that my boy has indeed bought out the best in me.

I have never felt so patient, so needed, so in control and so confident. He needs me to be all this. And at the end of the day when he tells me he loves me and showers me with kisses, he is the one who has changed me.

I will write a book one day. I’ve always wanted to, but have never known which story to tell. Now I have one.