If you’re a parent, you’ll know this already. If you’re not a parent yet, this is useful to heed. There’s truckloads of parenting information out there. Some of it’s useful, and some of it’s not. The problem is deciphering which is which. Particularly when clear, reasonable decision making – something you could have done easily in your pre-parenting life – is hampered by hormones. And only three hours of sleep.
The real problem isn’t a lack of information. It’s that parenting information is often contradictory and confusing. Plus, with so much parenting info, it can seem to suggest that there’s a ‘right’ way to raise kids. But there isn’t. We’re all different, and we all need to find our own way.
Raising kids is a confidence game. When you’re confident, you can sift through all the parenting information and choose what’s right for your family. But what happens when you experience parenting info overload?
Here’s my suggestion: Write your own parent manifesto.
Confidence comes from raising your kids according to your own beliefs and values. So first you need to identify what those beliefs and values are, and then you need a way to remind yourself of these beliefs and values so you can live them. Hence a manifesto.
Based on my own experience, I created five declarations that I want to live by as a parent.
1. My children transform me. They test and force me to become a better person. I’m up for the challenge.
Here I acknowledge the incredible life change that occurs when you become a parent, and I also accept that I’m capable of meeting the challenge.
2. It’s not about being the best parent. It’s about enjoying the best that being a parent has to offer.
This declaration is about recognizing that I don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise my kids well. I just need to take in what’s amazing about being a parent, and do my best.
3. It’s not about having the best child. It’s about helping my children enjoy the best of life.
This statement admits that it’s not about raising the most successful child. It’s about supporting my kids to be the best they can be, and helping them to enjoy the best of life.
4. There is no one right way to parent. There is only my way done with confidence, love and care.
In this declaration, I acknowledge that raising kids is not a science. It’s more art than science, and it involves trial and error. We’re all different, and we all need to find our own way.
5. I am a guardian of the next generation, and I feel privileged to be.
This final declaration is all about appreciating the big picture so I can keep the day-to-day demands in perspective.
These are my beliefs. But I don’t want to impose my beliefs on everyone else. Whether you are a parent now or will be in the future, what are you beliefs? And what would go in your manifesto?
Jodie Benveniste is a psychologist, author, parenting expert, and director of Parent Wellbeing. You can read more about her Parent Manifesto book and program here
Comments
45 Comments so far
I’ve been mulling over this article for a few days. I feel like I completely agree with the general sentiment, although I can definitely ‘nit-pick’ certain key points.
It’s probably just a matter of my personality, but I am a very analytically-minded, scientifically inclined person. I tend to like to reach my own conclusions about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ideas in my own parenting choices, and to ensure that the ideas I decide are ‘good’ ideas are based on sound reasoning, evidence and logic. My own education and personality means I am inclined to approach just about everything as a ‘science’, and my parenting is no exception. So to me, parenting is both science and art. Also, during my teaching degree, it was pointed out to us a fair bit that teaching is both a ‘subtle science’ and an ‘exact art’ (yes, deliberately apparently back-to-front), and our study units crossed this spectrum accordingly. Since I see a lot of similarities (and differences!) between teaching and parenting, I’m satisfied that parenting can be considered both an art and a science. And yes, it has definitely challenged my capacities for flexibility, creativity and empathy!
However, I acknowledge that my personality is a huge part of the reason I think this way. I would never expect someone else to parent on the same basis, if they’re not so inclined.
Also, I kind of object to the bit where she talks about it *not* being about raising successful kids, but instead, it’s about raising kids that use and develop their gifts, enjoy satisfying work (and satisfaction in all of their life), and are resilient.
I was raised to understand that that *is* success! I mean, what are others saying is success? Money? Letters after your name? Yes, it makes life easier to earn enough to live contentedly within your means – and the reason many people don’t is because they yearn after too much, not because they don’t earn enough, IMO. And yes, I’m certainly not going to dispute the value of academic qualifications. I spent 6 and a half years in full-time tertiary study myself! And loved it! But that’s because I am that way inclined, and I can thrive through study, and gaining qualifications. Others thrive through self-employment, apprenticeships, etc. And there’s also the fact that I regard the last few years as a SAHM as quite a steep learning curve, in much the same way my uni years were. Challenging, thought-provoking… and generally successful. Not 100%, and not by every yard-stick out there – but to my own satisfaction.
When I read information that is given to parents – the kind of information that Jodie worries undermines parents’ confidence – I find myself doing the same thing I do with any advice, opinion piece or research article. Assessing it for myself, taking in what I agree with, ditching anything that’s inadequate, poorly-supported, or completely against my existing beliefs and values (the one exception being if my own beliefs had poor foundations, and the reasoning and evidence for change is outstanding). So although I read *heaps*, I have never found my confidence to be undermined. I find I just need to be prepared to say, “Oh *really*?!” or “Here we go, the pendulum’s swinging back again…”. Or alternatively, “Yep, makes sense, fits well with x, y and z (what I already thought)”, or “No way! That completely contradicts (basic values & beliefs that are the foundation of your parenting)” IMO, the reason these things undermine our confidence may well be because we *let* them. Or because we confuse confidence with stubbornness. I’m prepared to change *if* I’m convinced it’s worth it. If not, then why should I bother with all the fuss?
But as I said, I definitely agree with the general idea that looking after our kids means being confident and well-adjusted ourselves, and that confdence and following instincts is a better guide than an arbitrary rule-book, which probably won’t fit the particular parents or children.
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afd, Thanks for your really thoughtful reply! I agree that raising kids is part art and science. I’ve written about that before. And I also agree that we can ‘let’ other approaches undermine our confidence. But as you say, if you know your values and beliefs, you can stand by them and reject what’s not appropriate. That’s the fundamental idea behind the Parent Manifesto. It is fantastic that you know and accept your values and beliefs – but also question them when necessary.
As for success – it may not be something that you would put in your manifesto but for me, it’s about rejecting the superficial trappings of so-called success (e.g. money) and discovering what is much more important.
I’d love to know what you’d put in your manifesto! Cheers, Jodie.
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wow, i need to take a page out of your manifesto…
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I heed your advice above. It is timely for me.
I have struggled with parenting for 3.5 years. Never feeling good enough. Coping lots of criticism. Retreating. Wanting to run.
But here I am, with an inevitable aspergers diagnosis pending and realising that my boy has indeed bought out the best in me.
I have never felt so patient, so needed, so in control and so confident. He needs me to be all this. And at the end of the day when he tells me he loves me and showers me with kisses, he is the one who has changed me.
I will write a book one day. I’ve always wanted to, but have never known which story to tell. Now I have one.
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On the weekend, a friend and I were discussing the freedom that comes with having a child with special needs (both our kids are on the autism spectrum). Cause all of a sudden, ‘the rules’ don’t apply to you. Your child can’t compete with the nt’s so you no longer have to be in the best parent/child race. It’s now simply about your child and your family.
Having a child on the spectrum can be a challenge, but it can bring its own joys.
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Thankyou so much for this. You are right.
I feel like I’ve stopped caring what everyone else thinks. I’ve stopped caring if I offend anyone, or leave early from a party, or end a playdate early.
It may seem rude, but the wellbeing of my son – and all of us – is more important. It seems like such a no-brainer, but I’m amazed at how much stress trying to understand his behaviour has caused. Now I just get it. And this sense of calm and strength is intoxicating.
Yes. Freedom. That is such a great word to describe how I feel at the moment.
PS. I love that know what an NT is
Best wishes to you and your friend and your families.
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Explosion, you’ll probably find that your world becomes full of aspie kids – they are everywhere!
Partly by design and partly by accident most of my truly close friends have kids on the spectrum.
Don’t think you have to mix your child with nt’s to try to make him socially ‘normal’. After 6 years in one school with only one other friend (who is also an aspie) I put my child into a school which has many children with special needs. Today she told me she is part of a ‘gang’. I nearly cried with happiness. All the girls in her ‘gang’ have special needs. Do I care? My heart is overflowing with joy that this year at school she feels like she belongs to a group.
As a very vocal aspie adult once wrote – you can’t make a cat a dog by insisting they spend time together.
I’m very pleased for you, explosion, that you have found that calmness within yourself.
Sorry, everyone, for the long off-topic post. As I said – today my heart is bursting with joy for my daughter.
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As an adult with many AS traits, I mostly want to applaud this attitude! Mostly, because I think putting your own child first, attending to their needs, and refusing to compete, is the best way to do things with your child, NT or Aspie or whatever else!
However, I would just temper this with a *tiny* warning. Like any other parent, IMHO, your goal is to raise a child who will one day cut the apron strings / proverbial cord, and cope with life with minimal / no regular need for your support and assistance. This means your child should learn to understand, celebrate and deal realistically with their AS traits in an NT world. Of course, having a group to belong with is tremendously important. However, being overly insular will probably end up limiting options one day. Some limits can/should be accepted, some shouldn’t, and growing up should include deciding how you will and won’t limit yourself, or allow others to limit you.
However, as I said, my main response to your attitude is applause! I just hope this is a tiny grain of something to think about when takiing the long-term view.
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The best piece of advice we were given prior to becoming new parents, was to keep the top end wet and the bottom end dry.
Worked a treat!
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I appreciate most of what you say Jodie.
If only you’d given my mother a heads-up when my stepfather was molesting me. Because, when I needed her to be the Best Parent, she blamed me, and then f*cked off back to her own parents, and left me with him.
Some people (actually, MANY people) just shouldn’t be allowed to become parents.
There should be a parenting test, which is even more comprehensive than a driving test…And you’re not allowed to breed until you pass.
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I (we) have tried to set an example of how to behave to our kids. Sometimes what we do is more important than what we say.
I’ve always tried to love and accept them even (especially) when they don’t deserve. We have a pretty good relationship with the grown up kids now.
We’ve tried to spend a bit of regular special time with each child and they’ve all enjoyed it.
I treat each day as a new one. If us the adults, or the kids have had a rotten day previously, there’s still tomorrow.
Oh and remember that you don’t own your kids, they’re on loan.
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you is good
you is kind
you is important
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Love this! What a tearjerker…
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I loved this when I was pregnant and say it most days to my 3 mo. I love that it has nothing to do with looks
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Feed them, clothe them and love them.
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As a mum of a 16 year old I hereby swear to:
1. Not hit the roof when you and all your mates use every drop of hot water to defrost after your surf in ten degree water
2. Allow you to travel to Sydney on the train despite my desperate desire to barricade said train doors and drive you the five hour return trip myself
3. Not lecture, pontificate or say ‘back in my day’ at every available opportunity.
4. Approve of your hairstyle and not say it reminds me of the boys from ‘One Direction’
5. Understand you’re moving away from me, towards your adulthood…and that this must happen. And…to love you unconditionally all of your life.
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These are fantastic Kathy!
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When I was a teenager, until I got a part time job when I was fifteen I had to wear my older sisters’ hand me down bras and crop tops. For some reason, my mother seldom took me bra shopping, and my little sister even less so. So whilst I’m not sure about the rest of my parenting manifesto, if I have a daughter this one will be on there:
As soon as you need a bra, I’m taking you to a department store, getting you fitted and buying you five. And I will keep doing this every six months until you’re well and truly through with puberty.
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yes, this! and I’ll add
you will always have enough clean knickers (without holes)
you will have clean sheets at least every fortnight (would try weekly but need to make it achievable!)
when you hit puberty I will buy sanitary pads regularly, without you ever having to ask
i will keep the house relatively clean so that you won’t be embarrased to invite friends over
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Yes, Yes, Yes to both – plus…
… and I will encourage you to bring you friends home and welcome them into our house.
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and i won’t burst into tears or throw an tantrum when your friends are over.
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Totally agree. I recently took my 11 year old to be properly fitted for her first bra. Then bought 3. She has 5 crop tops. (I bought them for her first as a starter thing.)
And why did I do this? Because I spent my pubescent years in a small wheatbelt town where everyone got their first bra from the town drapery and had the news broadcast via town gossip within 24 hours. My mum drove me 2.5 hours on a Saturday morning to the nearest regional centre with a (solitary) department store to buy me my first bra. Then she drove 2.5 hours back again. No town gossip. An abundance of discretion. And that experience stayed with me and it was what I wanted for my daughter too.
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And when we buy you said bra I’ll remind your father that it is NOT an appropriate time to mention bra with the words “about time” in front of anyone!!
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Thank you. Loved this.
Here is my mantra:
“I aim to:
be present,
be interested,
be calm,
be involved,
be positive and
be kind to me”
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Brilliant mantra. I’m writing this down. We can forget to be kind to ourselves at the end of the day.
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Fantastic Lyn!
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I was judged very harshly by my brother- and sister-in-law for my parenting. I had post-natal depression early on and instead of being supportive they expressed fear at my ability to look after my son. They asked my mother-in-law to check on me when she visited, and I kept wondering why she asked me how I was feeling every five seconds. She rang them to inform them that everything was fine and she had no fears about the safety of my son. And promptly rang all her siblings to tell them I had PND and not to worry.
When we found out I was dreadfully upset, but you know what? My son is a social, loving, affectionate, healthy little boy who I love more than life itself. I know I am a good mother, and do not take their BS on board anymore. I may not be perfect but I am the perfect mother for my son.
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Desiree – It’s a pity they weren’t more supportive. But what a great statement: ‘I may not be perfect but I am the perfect mother for my son.’ Love it!
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Desiree you are to be commended for your healthy attitude. I too have suffered PND and Anxiety and my 2 boys have survived happily and healthily. My advice is to continue to trust your own parenting skills, as you put it so beautifully You Are the Perfect Mother for Your Child. Also tell your ‘family’ what you need as support, such as some cooked meals occasionally or 2-3 hrs babysitting so you can do something nourishing for yourself. This way you have set the boundaries on their ‘help’. Be you and be the best you! Sent with love xx
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1. I will feign delight in your creative efforts, even when I’ve heard better Singers in my mum’s sewing cabinet
2. I will not grimace at High 5, Pikachu, Beyblades or whatever plastic tat you are currently enamoured with
3. I will, from time to time, lovingly prepare nutritious, in-season, locally sourced meals. Tonight it’s tuna pasta, baby.
4. I will limit my time on iPhone and iPad to ensure I am present, supportive and engaged. Ooooh, a new level on Angry Birds Space!
5. Despite being tempted to list you on eBay at least weekly, I will love you in my own f$@&ed up way until my dying day.
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Think I actually will go with this list.
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I love this list. Pure awesomeness.
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Yep mum of 4 beautifully put
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Brilliant advice! I have eBay on my iPhone, 4 & 5 are especially relevant!
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Love these too! Thanks for sharing!
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great writing ! great declarations! while raisind two boys (now 3.5 and 15 months) I will remember these!
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Glad you like them Afroz – I hope they’re helpful!
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I’m a midwife & when I send new parents home, or I visit them at home after the birth, I tell them “Don’t drop them, don’t drown them, feed them regularly, give lots of cuddles. Other than that, anything you do is right & if it isn’t exactly as the books say, never mind, the baby will forgive you!”
Parents are so focused on the birth thay they seem to forget they’ll have to take the baby home!
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Thanks Sandi – I agree that, luckily, our kids are pretty forgiving!
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I say the same to my friends who are pregnant with their first (it’s the only advice I give, I promise!). “forget about the birth, focus in what you’ll do when the baby is born. The birth will happen whenever, wherever. You have the baby for a much longer time! “
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This is great advice Sandi and such a fantastic, positive post Jodie. We are moving house and my kids are wearing very odd clothes, homework is falling between the cracks, meals would make a nutritionist grimace and I couldn’t make it to the girls’ Cross Country. They still seem happy and I’m hanging onto my sanity.
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Child health nurse (as regulars may know). I say to new parents. Listen to what you are advised and run with what works for you.
One of our psychologists tells new mums that children will be psychologically ok if you get it spot on as little as 30% of the time. Apparently its a research provided stat, not one she pulled out of thin air and just personally makes me feel better about my own parenting.
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I tell anyone babysitting – As long as they are alive when I return home, anything else is a bonus!
(the babysitters are usually grandparents who have been there done that)
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Just a suggestion, maybe no 4 can have some minor editing ?
So Instead of :
“There is no one right way to parent. There is only my way done with confidence, love and care.” It just the statement “There is only my way “, seems to contradict the” no one right way”. so my suggestion is :
“There is not only one right way to parent. There is my way done with confidence, love and care.”
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As a writer, I love getting editing feedback – thanks mumsof2!
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