Elizabeth Banks, finally a “real mom”.
by KATE HUNTER
So, poor TV star Elizabeth Banks has caused a bit of a…. well, a drama, by telling People magazine that you’re not a “real mom” until you have more than one child.
The 38 year old actress (she was hilarious in What To Expect When You’re Expecting) said it in a joking way – having recently had her second child and commenting about how much harder it is with two boys under two as opposed to just one.
Here’s how she put it:
“When you have one kid, you feel like you can jet set around and you can throw him on the hip and you get your life done.
You don’t realise how easy one is until you have two. Now I’m really a mom. Oh, I am a mom now! That’s new! This is for serious — I am responsible for two people now….”
Gosh, she’s a brave woman, that Elizabeth. I mean, as a non-famous person who got slammed online for saying I’m a bit lukewarm about my dog, you can only imagine what she’s copping from irate parents with only one child.
Still, it’s not the first time I’ve heard that opinion voiced.
Who says parents of more than one child are superior to the parents of an only?
A ‘friend’ once said to my sister in law (who had one baby and was desperately keen for another), ‘One child is an accessory, but two makes a family.’ Yes, seriously, she said that. Out loud. Not in People – in a bookshop cafe, but same same.
It would have been funny if it wasn’t hurtful. Actually, even then it wasn’t funny. And it’s not true.
I met up this morning with an old pal. She is one of TWELVE. I asked her what she thought of Elizabeth Banks’ comments.
‘What a load of rubbish,’ she said. I love this girl, by the way.
‘Logistically, more kids is trickier, getting them into the car and stuff … ,’ she mused, ‘And you might be less stressed about ear infections, but that’s about it.’
Then we went onto discuss the chaos that reigns in many homes we know – our own included (she has four, I have three), and decided there was no evidence whatsoever to conclude that parents of more than one kid are in any way superior to the parents of an only.
Sure, as kids grow up, bigger families might have a greater frame of reference – if you have a bunch of kids, there’s more chance one of them will do something awesome or something terrible, so you might have greater experience of those things but that’s no guarantee of handling them well.
The Waltons and The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family were all made up. Michael Jackson’s family is real. Know what I’m saying?
Do you believe it takes more than one kid to get your parenting stripes?
Comments
122 Comments so far
To suggest that it doesnt get more difficult as a parent and a family the more people who are added to it is ridiculous. Although I don’t agree that having more than one child makes you a real mum, I do agree that one child is an accessory…and “the easy life” compared to having more. (And I’m sure there are plently of families with 3, 4, 5 etc – not to mention multiples – that laugh at parents of 2 kids talking about how difficult it is!)
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I wish I had the luxury to become a ‘real mum.’ After more gruelling rounds of ivf and the most recent miscarriage- I’d just be grateful for one, let alone two!
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We will only ever have our one precious daughter and it’s bad enough looking at other larger families while feeling like ours will never be “normal” without people carelessly rubbing it in like this.
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We’re in exactly the same boat. Great big hugs…..I come from a large family and it’s heartbreaking for me. But there’s nothing I can do. Ours is a miracle and we’re SO SO SO SO very lucky to have her.
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We are in the same situation, we are unable to have any more children, and are constantly asked/told by friends/family/strangers how our daughter is ‘missing out’ by not having a sibling. One charming lady at the supermarket one day even told me I was being cruel by making her an only child, and that she would grow up to resent me for it. We also get the stereotypes thrown at us, an only child won’t learn to share, will be spoilt, will be lonely etc, etc.
People so often comment without thinking, they have no idea why we only have one child, and quite frankly it’s none of their business.
We are so incredibly grateful to have our daughter, and occasionally I do worry about her being an only child, especially when she gets older and my Husband and I are gone. But we could choose to dwell on what could have been, or we can enjoy every day with our precious girl and continue to watch her develop into the confident, happy, empathetic, intelligent child we see every day.
I only hope that the next generation can find a way to parent without turning it into a competitive sport, the constant judgements, eye rolling and passive aggressive comments are exhausting, demoralising, hurtful and completely unnecessary.
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As a mother of a 2 year old (and desperately trying for another including currently awaiting fertility test results) I have heard a number of these types of comments. And they are quite hurtful even if unintentionally.
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I think she was referring to her OWN experience and wasn’t trying to talk for every mother out there. Everyone needs to relax a little.
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Wow – it really doesn’t take much to cause an uproar these days!!!!
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Amen to that-trying to keep up is tiring!
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No wonder we are all so conflicted and obsessed with being perfect! This stuff is such a waste of energy.
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I don’t have any kids, but I am amazed at what my friend who has a three year old daughter has learnt to be able to look after her properly. From washing and feeding, to discipline and playing and making sure she’s safe. What a learning curve that must be! Her daughter seems happy and confident and just lovely. My hat’s off to her! It’s not going to happen for me but I think anyone with any amount of children are amazing. Good on you all!
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What a lovely comment. You sound like a wonderful friend.
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Thank you!
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Geez some people are so touchy! I don’t think she was being superior at all .I think she was just admitting that for HER, 2 kids is a juggle. I can relate to that. With 2 under 2 there is always 1 that is due for a nap or a feed or something. Makes getting out of the house that much harder!
From reading the comments below I am looking forward to the day that I can kick back and relax while they entertain each other
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I think it was her words, ‘real mom’ that got backs up. No question the logistics of wrangling more than one are trickier.
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If you read the quote, she didn’t actually use the words ‘real mom’, she said “now, I’m really a mom”. She is clearly talking about her own experience, and not referring to mums at large. I think people are reading too much into what she said (a bit, IMO, like the Kochie comments re breastfeeding). Where’s the post from the other day about appropriate outrage? I think everyone needs to read it again.
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Fair point, Besha – I’ve tweaked the headline to reflect EB’s words. I don’t see this post as fuelling outrage … I just find this stuff interesting.
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Your friend is spot on. I have 4 and it means i can relax about things more.
When i had my first i would stress about things more but since having more i realise that they are all so different and they will survive if i dont give them what they want when they want it. I simply cant split myself in 4! They also entertain each other. Smaller families i know tend to need to keep their kids entertained and have playdates all the time which can be exhausting. Mine entertain each other.
And i think mine are pretty easy going because of this. The more you can cater to your kids every whim the more they expect of you.
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I can see where she is coming from. I actually find 2 easier than 1 partly because I feel there is less pressure to continue to keep up with my ‘old prior to children life’ and i can just get on with doing ‘mum things’.
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Coming from a place of extreme sleep dep, so much so I fainted last night from a massive dip in my BP, no I don’t find one ‘cruisy.’ I’m not ‘jet-setting’ around. Right now, getting to the shops is a bloody struggle. This is from the same woman who commented on how hard it was when the nanny took a week’s break right?
My eloquence is broken at the moment, so I say Ms Banks…”Get Rooted.”
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And why is her reality less valid than yours? She wasn’t speaking about other mothers, she was speaking about herself.
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It stopped being purely about herself when she used the pronoun ‘you’.
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Oh please, that’s just being the grammar police.
She was clearly referring to herself. I would have expressed it the same way.
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I worked for two very high profile families in Los Angeles. The reality of parenting for them was handing the baby to me in the morning after the night nanny had left and then handing it to the night nanny once I knocked off. Whilst not less valid, her reality isn’t exactly realistic.
And you’re just being antagonistic. My point is just as valid and therefore in this democratic society I can express it without you being nasty.
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I too found one child a lot easier and having grown up an only child I was reminded that I was very portable by my parents as a kid. I was six on my first overseas trip – we have 3 and are waiting for them to hit pre teen before we comtemplate an overseas trip!
http://www.glamamuma.blogspot.com.au
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I’m pretty sure EB didn’t mean that you’re not a real mum until you have multiple children. As a single parent of one boy I can say that my life has been pretty cruisy- a lot more cruisy than having two (I assume).
I don’t think anyone should take offense to her statement.
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Other than the physical aspect of having two kids I think I found having my first child much harder and more overwhelming than having two. Now that I have three I can honestly say it gets easier as you go along, althought sometimes I feel out numbered.
I’m one of 7 and I’m pretty sure my older brothers and sisters raised me, not my parents. When I was little my eldest sister was a teenager and I remember my parents went out a lot!
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Everyone is different I guess.. Personally I found the transition to having one child much harder than to two (albeit the first baby had reflux/constant crying etc and the second was a dream, still is..
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Not that you’re playing favourites though…
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Heehee
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I don’t take her comments that way at all. I don’t think he was implying she was superior with multiple kids. I think she was saying she is a lot more overwhelmed.
It is true you can throw one child onto your hip and duck into the shops. With two it is a lot harder. Not easy for me to take a demanding toddler and baby On a bus into the city. Was sooooo much easier when I had just one in the baby carrier. Now my days revolve around baby and toddler activities rather than just one child I could tote around everywhere.
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Sure there are more challenges now we have 2, but once your first child enters the world, once you have someone else to start worrying about rather than just thinking about yourself, then you are a parent.
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You are, for sure, a parent as soon as the little bundle is handed to you. I think what EB was referring to us that once you add to the brood those little pockets of you-time evaporate and it becomes – for a while at least – all about the kids. As someone who’s gone from two to four in the last year I can attest to that!
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