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At the birthday party of a ten year old girl, a group of mothers looked on anxiously while talking about their children. While the little girls danced to Taylor Swift and compared their collection of silly bands, the mothers were deep in discussion.
“How long did you breastfeed for? Was it exclusive or did you supplement with a bottle?” asked one mother.
“Was she dry at night by two, or just dry during the day? We moved to pull-ups by eighteen months” said another.
“Did she have a sippy cup or did she go straight from breast to a cup?”
It sounds unbelievable doesn’t it?
That’s because it is.
It never happened.
By the time your child is ten, your nipples will be safely tucked away inside your bra. If you were to pull them out at the local coffee shop it’s possible you may be arrested. There will have been 964 new experts in children’s sleeping patterns, and you will groan and change the channel each time they pop up on the telly to promote their new book. The aisle in the supermarket with the wet wipes and the boxes of Huggies will be a complete mystery to you.
Children will win awards at school and no-one will say “I hear she was the first in her baby group to use a straw”. No-one looks at a child and says “I really like the way they walk, I bet they walked by ten months, they look like they’ve been doing it longer than everyone else.”
The game of my child is going to turn out better than your child has ended, because everyone has realized it’s irrelevant. The baby that could point to the blue blocks and stack the hoops faster than anyone else is now failing Language Arts but blitzing in Geometry. Parents have learned that each week there will be another hurdle, maybe it will be social, perhaps it will be scholastic, we all pray it won’t be medical.
Your challenges this week may involve not making the basketball squad or falling out with a best friend. You will try and stay calm while you work on fractions, listen intently to the project on sharks, and be genuinely interested while you are given the task of quizzing the religious definitions of certain aspects of Judaism. You may find yourself wiping away the tears at the orthodontist (both yours and hers), and then bursting with pride over the courage displayed while being vaccinated, again, both yours and hers.
First words, first teeth, weening and first steps are all captured in photos and video clips, their dates are immaterial.
Having four children in four different countries has meant that I have received four very different approaches when it came to parenting advice. To wrap or unwrap, to control cry or to attach, to breast-feed for at least 4, 6, 12 months or more. To circumcise, to what in the hell would you do that for? You can have one drink. You can have no drinks.
My four children, unsurprisingly, have different levels of intelligence and physical abilities depending on what it is that they are doing at the time. I would hazard a guess that none of it is related to whether they sat in a stroller or spent more time in a baby sling. The one pregnancy that I technically got everything right for, has not resulted in a child any more brilliant than another. The unplanned pregnancy, the one that didn’t receive the vitamins and the forethought, is interestingly the child who is supposedly quite gifted. This could be luck, this could be life.
When I look back at everything I was told and every book that I read, one piece of advice stands clear of everything else. It came from my obstetrician in Malta. A brilliant man with the kindest heart. A man with six children of his own.
As I was packing my bag ready to leave the hospital with a brand new third little traveler, Dr Muscat walked in to my room to check on how I was and joked about how the easy bit was over. I was now heading home to three children under four. He stood over the third little traveler and looked down at him with a very sincere smile and said “you are very lucky” and then he looked in my direction. “Both of you – you are very lucky”.
“Take him home and cherish him. Remember to take a moment to really look at him and love him. It is the very best thing you can do for him”.
It’s simple but it’s true. Don’t get caught in the hype, don’t beat yourself up, don’t over think it.
Just love them.
Kirsty Rice is an Australian writer and Blogger currently living in Qatar. This piece was originally published on her blog, which you can find here. You can follow Kirsty on Twitter here
Comments
174 Comments so far
Hands down the best thing I’ve read on this website. Ever. Thank you for sharing it.
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Thank you xx
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Beautiful piece. So true.
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What a beautiful post. I am making sure I’m doing that right now with my little second one who’s 3 months old. I’ve learnt how quickly the baby years go, as first baby is just about to turn two. And most days I feel really lucky to have two beautiful healthy girls, really lucky
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I’m exactly the same but with two boys. Very blessed.
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What a lovely read – thanks Kirsty!xx
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hhhmmm I think that there is a different side to this coin. I could tell through going to playgroup and comparing my toddler to other children the same age, and by talking to their mothers that my child wasn’t where he should be developmentally at nearly two years of age.
That caused me to get him assessed by a child development specialist and what followed were a few years of speech therapy, occupational therapy and child development specialist appointments.
Because I did do that, by the time he had completed year 1 at school he had caught up with the other kids. He’s just now graduated from University with a double degree. I don’t know what the outcome would have been for him if he had not had that early intervention.
I think that if as a mother you are concerned about your child’s developmental progress you should at least have them assessed by a child development Specialist.
I don’t agree with this Nothing You’re Worrying about Really Matters because if there is a problem, the younger the child is, the easier it is to fix it. Sometimes it does take more than just loving them.
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Yes I agree catgirl. I loved this article but am a little torn on my reaction to it when I think about my own son and his severe speech delay. Most doctors agree that early intervention can be hugely important in combatting developmental delays and helping with autism, among many other things. It can be quite off-putting to be told by well-meaning friends “don’t worry!”. It makes me feel like people think I’m being a hypocondriac with my son’s development. Having said that, simply sitting around and worrying about things never helped anyone, action needs to be taken.
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My youngest has cerebal palsy and we were told she would at best be in a chair with limited speech. I loved this story because it celebrates each child is different and do things at their own pace. It wasn’t written for you or me,its the writhers opinion and yes there is another side of the coin but again it wasn’t directed to us with children that have issues
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Thank you. That’s exactly what I was trying to say. We’re all different and we all do things at our own pace – whatever that pace may be. xx
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but again it wasn’t directed to us with children that have issues
The problem is that some kids unfortunately do have issues. If a mother who is worried about her child’s development constantly gets told “not to worry that all kids get there in the end” and “all kids are individual, don’t compare your kid to someone elses”, they may be less likely to seek professional advice and the longer they leave it the harder it is to fix any issues.
When I hear mothers saying that they are worried about their toddler being slow compared to others I always suggest that they take them to be assessed if only for their own piece of mind.
You don’t really know that your child has ‘issues’ unless you have acted on your worries and then been told so by a medical person.
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I think the point is, if your concerned talk to your Dr or nurse at early childhood appointments to rule out anything major. Otherwise ignore peoples comments and enjoy your baby. Babys will do things when there ready.
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I actually find this article very condescending. It is very well to say don’t over think it, just love them they will all be fine in ten years. Really?? how does she know? And besides we do this because we love our children and want them to be normal.
It is all very well to write this with hindsight but at that particular time in your life, especially if you are a first time parent, it is very relevant and should not be dismissed later on as ‘how silly we all were’ (my words not the authors).
I agree with anonymous and catgirl, when your child is not developing at the same pace you do worry, and yes in ten years time, with hindsight, when your child is totally normal, you can say ‘I shouldn’t have wasted all that time worrying and comparing as it is now irrelevant… well… that is unless your child does turn out to have problems. Then perhaps you won’t get this luxury of thinking how silly it all was, i should have just loved them.
For those who have actual concerns do not dismiss it, get it checked out, these times are crucial for development so don’t put it off.
This article may not be aimed at those of us with children who have issues but some do and will have and why should these worries be any less important? When your concerns get brushed off with ‘he/she will be fine; they all develop differently’ that is actually very unhelpful, not at all comforting and actually quite isolating.
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By all means, compare your child to others at play group etc, but then see your GP, child health clinic etc.they can actually assess your child properly and refer them if necessary.. Don’t just rely on the opinions of friends. They’re seeing it through their own experiences.
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I agree Faybian. My daughter needed speech therapy for a lisp but I had the opposite issue of people saying “don’t worry, she’ll grow out of it. They’re all different.”
It took a year of appointments and daily therapy at home for her to “grow out of it”. I should have taken her to an expert sooner but didn’t want to seem neurotic for worrying.
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I couldn’t agree more catgirl.I have mixed feelings about this piece.
Early intervention is so important if there is a problem, so it’s best to find out sooner rather than later if there is something wrong. My opinion is that if you are at all concerned get your child assessed. If there’s nothing wrong you will find out. If there is something wrong, you can get onto it straight away.
There are only a few short years before kids start school and it’s best to get whatever issues you can sorted out before they start. Holding out on getting help until 3 or 4 may not be helpful to your child in the long run.
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Agree
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Yes, good point! It can be a bit of a balancing act, trying to work out whether you’re panicking over nothing, or dismissing something important. Slightly different, but I remember *both* taking her to the doctor (after all, he was only 2 blocks away and didn’t require appointments) when she was cruising along the coffee table, fell on her butt, whacked her chin, and had a bleeding mouth. He simply pushed two fingers along her jawline gently, and pointed out that she wouldn’t've permitted that without screaming the surgery down if she’d lost a tooth or injured her jaw. She’d probably just bitten her tongue or the inside of her cheek, most likely. Settled her with a breastfeed, and it was all good.
But then there were the times I tried to shrug off as nothing – mild temperatures, irritability (‘probably nothing, just a cold or something’)… turned out to be measles (at 10 months old, 2 months before first measles shots), and roseola (basically harmless rash, but contagious, so could’ve done with being wary earlier).
So it’s hard to know whether you’re getting it right or not! Happily, doctors and early childhood health nurses tend to not be bothered by a quick phone call or consultation! So I’d say when it doubt, check it out.
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Yes I agree – and health care professionals who deal with kids are happy to be consulted even if it turns out to be nothing to worry about. I think one of Kirsty’s points is ‘don’t rely on other mothers to be the judge of whether your child is okay or not’. Taking your child to their regular health centre check-up is a good way to keep an eye on things too.
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I was having a similar chat with my girlfriend yesterday. Our kids are now 2.5 and we’re observing new mums fretting exactly like we used to and how we probably still are with some things. We both agreed that as new mums you fumble in the dark for some sort of strategy that makes sense to you in order to get some hold on this new scary scenario you suddenly find yourself in.
Feels good to be pulled back into reality and to be reminded so figuratively just how little some of the things we get so worked up about really matter.
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this is beautiful – best thing I’ve read anywhere for ages thank you!
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Me too
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. As much as I try not to, I’ve been getting caught up in the milestone comparison.
My 8 and a half month old daughter is the only one in my mothers group who is not crawling. And not showing any interest in walking. She is also very small (25th percentile). So I have been worried.
Your completely right, in a few years time none of it will matter!
Thanks for reminding me to just love her for who she is x
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Oh new mum- my son didn’t crawl until 13 months and didn’t walk until 20. I was BESIDE myself- but mostly because I felt so embarassed at how slow he was compared to his peers. He’s 12 now, and out skating with a mate of his. They are both so graceful and so fearless and so brimful with life and confidence and long strong limbs it brings a lump to my throat. I have no idea when his mate walked. Nobody looking at Dec would have any idea when he walked. It will all be OK. Relax and enjoy your baby. I wish someone had told me that 11 years ago.
(Lovely piece Kirsty- as always. xxx)
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Thanks so much Kristy L. I never thought I’d be this way. but I love her so much that I just want her to be healthy and happy.
This Post has reminded me that she is healthy and happy, just not crawling. It’s nice to be reminded sometimes! Your right, in 10 years time, no one will
Know or care when she walked or crawled.
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Please don’t worry, my daughter didn’t walk until close to 18 months, her little best buddy from mothers’ group walked at 9 months! Now they are both almost 3, and totally delightful – they run, jump, climb and dance together, and you’d be hard pressed to work out who was the early walker. I was a late walker too. It’s so hard not to feel a tiny bit worried when your kid is the one crawling as other kids are climbing, jumping and running – but I was told that anything up to 20 months is considered ‘normal’. We develop on a bell curve for a lot of things – and someone has to be at either end of the curve!!
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All of my three kids are on the third percentile. When my second was having his 4yr check up the Dr asked if I had any concerns, I said just his height. She said he should have picked a different mother then (I’m 160cm). As long as they don’t start losing weight, someone has to be at the lower end. It doesn’t make them underweight or malnurished!!
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My first son walked at 15 months, and my second was certainly more than 12 months when he started. And you see, I can’t remember exactly because A) you can’t remember very much at all with two boys under two, and B) it just doesn’t seem to matter as much when you can see that they DO eventually walk. And they WILL eventually toilet train. And yes, now my first is 5 and I don’t even think of it. Nobody else does either. And you know what? I bet your life when she finally does get going you’ll wonder why the hell you longed for it so much. They get in a lot of trouble!
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Please dont let it worry you. My daughter didnt crawl until her first birthday and walked at 16 months. A few people in my mothers group enjoyed making me feel inadequate as a mother and asked questions about whether or not she was ok, which were horrible. Now she’s in high school I doubt anyone would pick her out in the crowd as a late crawler! Actually listening to her conversation with my dad today she used words that I had to google
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Like the previous posters, my daughter crawled at 14 months and walked at 22 months!!!! We had her hips and legs checked but she just wasn’t interested in walking until SHE wanted to. Now at just over 3, she is running around with her big brother, jumping like a kangaroo on the trampoline and (thankfully) taking after me, not her dad, in dancing skills. It IS worrying, but please don’t spend too much time being concerned. Our paed told us that if they weren’t trying to walking by about 18 months it’s worth getting hips checked but I think that was more for parents’ peace of mind. Enjoy you little one!
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Thanks everyone. Makes me feel better hearing the stories of the other late walkers and crawlers.
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My son did not crawl until he was 15.5 months and didn’t walk until he was 19 months. It broke my heart whenever I saw bubbas smaller and younger than him mastering it. His speech and self feeding skills were not the best but I can see a happy, healthy, outgoing boy and thats all I can really ask for.
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Hi NewMum – just to put it into perspective, 25% of children will be in the smallest 25 percentile. My children, now grown, were always tiny and now are both under 157cm and petite. But since I am only 160cm, it was always a good bet!
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So true, yet I think most mothers worry about things and ask advice to try to figure out if thier child is ok, not just for the sake of it.
My child woke every hr until he was 1 and was crazy as a coconut, i am an easy going person but was so sleep deprived I was obsessed with trying everything that seemed to be working for everyone else.
Comments like ‘dont worry – in no time u will be trying to make him get out of bed!’ or ‘i didnt sleep for 15 yrs’ (awake every hr? I think not!) didnt help. Or when i worried about his behaviour i got ‘he’s just a normal boy’ or ‘u were all like that when u were little) totally undermined my gut instinct that something was wrong – which it was (now fixed).
I have since found myself saying to people reassuring things like “dont worry, im sure its normal’ – but u know what, sometimes its not, so I stop myself.
For first time parents it is overwhelming and although most things dont need to be worried about, I think it is natural to ask questions when you are trying to do the best for your child.
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Perhaps you could help others.. What was wrong and how did u fix it?
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Oh gosh, i could ramble on here…. In a nutshell: an overload of Salicylates…natural chemicals in healthy foods such as fruit & vegetables. It’s also in baby panadol which i was giving him (cos i thought it was teething) to try and help him sleep better, but was actually making it worse. And then worked back from there to change all the ‘bad habits’ we had, but a lot of stuff just fell in to place naturally once i cut back on the fruit, etc – it wasn’t like he had ADHD anymore. He is still not the best sleeper but bedtime & nights are not a nightmare & he’s so much calmer and loving in the day. Hope this may help anyone.
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Thanks!
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Wow! My third child (now 14) was very unsettled as a baby. It turned out when she was about 5 or 6 she was diagnosed with food intolerances – salicylates, amines, glutamates etc. I was passing them on to her through my breastmilk, then it was in the formula and the fruits and vegies she was eating! Oh, and she was allergic to red food colouring – after her first immunisation, I gave her red panadol and she threw it straight back up – and continued to do so with anything coloured red for years! Glad you were able to find out what was wrong with your fella and were able to help him
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Great article!
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This how i see it, for my first I was OBESSED with doing it all the ‘right’ way and wanting everyone to say oh what a good baby you have and what good mum you are but now But bring on second, third and hopefully one day fourth I don’t care, how we roll in our house is OUR business. I do everything the what make that certain baby/child happy – and they have all been different still are!
I’m going to see family soon which I’m extremely excited but they will all tell me what I’m doing right and wrong, and very ‘wrong’ it will be. I love our family, I love watching them all grow and learn. They keep ME on my toes with their personalies and charm.
The biggest thing I’ve learnt everyone is an individual in this house. It’s ok if someone doesn’t want o wear that it eat that. I want them to learn how to think, not to be told what to think. Too many I’m the ‘hippie’ but I’ve seen too many children grow up to what ‘their’ parents wanted them to be not what they wanted o be – now they are in their late 20′s- early 30′s lost.
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Thank you. I have a 5, 3 & 10 month old & my mantra is ‘what’s the rush, they’ll get there in the end’.
I normally use the 21st birthday when I’m trying to get other mums to stop stressing. As long as you love & support them it doesn’t matter if they were a c or v birth. I’ve never been asked in a job interview if I was breast fed & for how long or when I first slept through the night.
Whatever age your kids are is the hardest because it’s new & you need to learn the ropes but it’s heartbreaking when a mum beats herself up because she isn’t meeting some ideal motherhood goal.
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Brilliant!
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Lovely post, simple and straight forward. And oh so true. xx
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Interestingly, I’ve been saying the same thing for years. My children are now in their twenties and I remember worrying would they need help to feed themselves at their wedding! We used to joke about the fact that they just played with their food or would keep it in their mouth without swallowing (we used to say that it was composting!!) I decided that they would all work it out by themselves and that is exactly what happened.
I chose never to worry were they early or late to sleep/walk/talk etc. They have both moved out of home and it seems that they are capable of looking after themselves and be good people in society.
My favourite bit of advice to give every new mother is that when the baby sleeps, so do you. The washing, cleaning and ironing can wait and the house won’t fall down if it isn’t done. Just have a nap and when the baby wakes you will have more energy to enjoy them.
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Great advice!
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Kirsty, that was fabulous and refreshing. It puts it all into perspective. I’m writing this with our 10 day old son on my lap sleeping and my 11 and half year old daughter listening to music – timomatic or one direction.
I know how lucky I am. When my daughter was born I was married to a medical practitioner and from the time we got home from hospital (after two days) it was domestic violence city. I was beaten often however the emotional and psychological gems were appalling. ” I won’t kill you as it will cost me too much- you are not worth going to jail for”….
I look back on those baby days with mainly happiness. I used the mantras ‘while I’m breathing there is hope’ and ‘ the fun of life is greater than the pain of the day’. We had a lot of fun. My daughter is a confident, happy resilient soul. We went to her parent – teacher interview yesterday and it was exceptional. Her step dad and I were glowing with pride.
Our baby slept in the pram like an angel!
I have fallen on my feet this time with my husband- I am very very lucky. I had my first bout of mastitis last night and he was nothing but obliging and supportive.
I’ll print out Kristy’s article shortly and pop it into both my daughter and sons folders…..
Someone told me once ‘try not to forget how you felt the first time you saw your baby”- it correlates….
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Liz, I just read your comment and had to write back. “While I am still breathing there is hope” both you and your daughter have a pretty amazing story to tell, your resilience is/was truly remarkable. I was so pleased when I got to the part about your gorgeous new husband and baby. Thanks for your comment. xx
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Can I just say I love the photo accompanying this story. It reminds me of sitting in the Great Hall of Sydney Uni watching my daughter graduating and trying to keep my two year occupied by letting her put stickers all over my face! My husband (now ex) was so outraged that he had a sh*tty attack and stormed out ruining the whole day. OK, so my actions didn’t marry with the gravitas of the occasion but I didn’t have anyone to leave her with and she was happy and quiet so I couldn’t see the problem!
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Thank you for such an honest piece. Everyday I try and pause and not worry how much my little boy has slept, eaten, stood up and more focus on how many smiles there are which make motherhood all worthwhile!
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This is a lovely article Kirsty, and I do see where you’re coming from. But I have a couple of points in response.
Firstly, a lot of those milestones are not about our babies doing well, or being perceived to be doing well, but about us, the mums! Having a baby who didn’t want to sleep during the day (and nights weren’t great), and then one who didn’t want to sleep during the night, the whole sleep game was important to me because I was losing my mind to sleep deprivation. So I would talk to fellow mums endlessly to find out what they and their babies were doing, trying to find that one little, tiny difference that might save my sanity. No, it won’t matter when my son gets his degree, but it sure as hell mattered to me 6 months ago!
I battled to breastfeed my daughter, and admittedly there was a fear of failure driving me. But I am so glad I persisted, because we had a lovely, long breastfeeding relationship that continued well into my second pregnancy. I still breastfeed my son, just once a day, but it’s such a lovely way to connect. I may forget what his first word was, but as he grows more independent I will always have those memories, and they are precious to me.
Should I not have eaten tira misu 10 years ago, because I don’t remember it now? Should I not have a piece of chocolate tonight because I won’t remember it next week? Hell no!
Something I learnt as a counsellor is to always acknowledge someone’s present reality, and not to dismiss it as “you think that’s bad? Wait ’til THIS happens!” We are all at different stages in our lives, as are our children. It is not only what we will or won’t remember and talk about in 10 years time, it’s about the journey too. And if the journey is really special, because we have tried really hard, or tried something different, or didn’t try at all!, then we have the best shot at making those precious memories last.
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“always acknowledge someone’s present reality”
Love it.
“You think that’s a sleep problem? THIS is a sleep problem” is an all too common competition these days!
I would love to do a good listening course or counseling course like it seems you have done. The part I don’t understand is, if both parties in the conversation have something they need to vent on the same topic (e.g. sleep deprivation), who has the ‘right of way’ conversation-wise?
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Great article! Loved it!
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I really liked this article and I don’t even have any children!! If I ever do have children, this is one piece of advice that I would definitely like to remember
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It was so lovely, and timely, reading this article. I’m currently at the peak of this time when everyone has an opinion on my child’s development. He’s nearly 21 months and says a handful of words which has been quite worrisome for me as other toddlers in our playgroup are already speaking sentences and have hundreds of words in their vocab. One of the Mums of one such child told me that if my son isn’t talking by 2 I should see a speech pathologist. This article just made me realize that I should give him, and myself, a break and just keep doing what we’re doing. Reading lots, talking lots, music, singing and most of all, lots of love, kisses and cuddles. He will talk when he’s ready.
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Your son IS speaking though. Just not as much as others. Amazing how many “experts” there are out there.
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I’m a speech path, CB and what you said in those last couple of sentences is perfect! Keep doing what you’re doing.
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He will talk more when he is ready in all likelihood.
I had a child who was talking in sentences but not walking. People would look at this big lump at 20 months who was talking in sentences and tell me I talked to her too much and I should have encouraged her motor skills etc. You can’t win.
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Hi Nicole
Just wanted to ask your opinion as a speech path, at my son’s MHCN appt I was told his speech development was far behind and referred to a speech therapist. I had no issues with his comprehension or responding to tasks or direction or any issue with his social skills. We went a couple of times and the advice and things she did with him were so basic that I stopped going and all the well meaning advice I received was that he was fine and would get there in time. He does speak words and now sentences (he is 2 and 4 months old) but he often pronounces words with a d or a b sound. (ie water is ‘borbor)
Should I be concerned?!
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CB- I’m not telling you to worry bcos chances are you little one is fine. And ita good not to compare with the kids in mothers group – kids really do develop at their own pace.one kid in ours was so advanced in language it wasn’t funny! But at my 2 yr check up they asked if my son was stringing words together. He had a reasonable vocabulary, but it was one of the early signs that there was a problem. As he progressed thru his 2s we noticed a few other things and by 3 he was diagnosed with mild autism. so again I’m not saying this to scare as no one thing in itself is anything to be alarmed by. It’s just something to be aware of- if I had another child with the same condition I would be onto it much earlier.
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Hi CB, my son is almost 2.5 and isn’t talking either. Like you I have worried a lot over the last year or so, but am now feeling quite confident that he is on track with everything else, and will talk when he was ready. For a while we were concerned about autism as he also has some issues with eye contact, and was very late to point. And later on after seeing a developmental paediatrician we were concerned about his receptive language (what he is understanding), but that is improving quite a lot now. If you do see a speech pathologist at this age (which is what I have been doing), the main advice is to be doing exactly what you are doing, ie. lots of interaction, join attention, playing together, as well as speaking in very simple sentences. Like you I was doing this also before we saw any therapists, and to be honest I feel that I am paying huge rates for very basic advice – money which could be better spent on something like a music class (or a holiday). There is an added problem of my son feeling quite uncomfortable in the therapist’s room (even though she is lovely) and not really acting like his normal self. He is much quieter than he is at home, so I feel that she doesn’t really understand his true nature. If it wasn’t for the fact that every single doctor we have been to (2 paediatricians and 2 GPs) had strongly recommended the ST, I would not be doing it either.
All the best with your son. Peronally, I can’t wait for my little boy to talk as I feel it will bring a whole new dimension to his personality…but in the meantime I think he’s just working on other things, and as an introverted little fellow who is quite happy to be solitary, it sort of makes perfect sense that he isn’t talking yet.
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As an aside, I have a cousin who is high-functioning Autistic (the kid’s a freaking genius, a hilarious and lovely boy, now eight) and at 3 he was sort of babbling and not getting his words and sounds right.
I recall asking my uncle, “how’s the speech path going?” and he replied through gritted teeth, “f***ing great. I pay a hundred bucks a week and I can’t get him to shut the f**k up.”
Still makes me laugh. It’s true, the kid does not stop talking. I adore him. Having a 22 year age gap between cousins means I am more of an aunty to him and we have a ball together.
While I’m here: Excellent article. What I’ve taken from it is to try to follow your instincts and not be too caught up in advice at mother’s group!! I have so many friends who say that sometimes mother’s group is a double-edged sword for them.
I’m not a parent yet, but I shall bookmark this and keep it in mind!
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CB (and other mums of children with language concerns) I’m no expert but please get their hearing checked. my son did not talk til he was 3 after he had grommets, he did not get ear infections but he had fluid on his ears. the minute he had grommets his speech improved. we also went to speech therapy, it is very frustrating for children not to be able to communicate. keep doing what you’re doing but also get it checked out these years are crucial for language development and it is in your child’s best interest. I wish I’d done something sooner but everyone kept saying ‘he will talk when he’s ready’. we have also recently discovered my son has vcfs/22q11.21 deletion and language delay is common in this syndrome, I am not implying your son has this at all, but don’t just leave it and hope for the best, that was my mistake, I should have done something sooner and I kick myself now.
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Now, THIS is what they should teach you in “parenting class”. Seeing your baby hit milestones is exciting but the constant comparing of one baby to another is so draining. My motto is “they all get there in the end”. And I think about my mum raising four kids. I doubt she stressed about little Johnny still having a bottle before bed or little Kylie not walking until 17 months, because eventually kids get there. And things seemed so much more practical and down to earth back then.
My girl did not sleep through the night until 16.5 months (not uncommon, I know). One night she just did it and I doubt it had much to do with anything I had “taught” her about sleeping. I think she was just ready to do it in her own time.
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What a brilliant article! Absolutely loved reading every single word of it! xxx
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Have recently been copping grief about my 3 year old still being in nappies nd having dummy, bottle and sleeping in a cot, amazingly when left to her she toilet trained herself in the space of a week, ditched the bottle and bit a hole in the last dummy so it got put in the bin, the cot will be gone when I get a mattress for her bed. I despaired that the person hassling me was so hell bent on making these little people grow up so quickly, they grow up so quickly anyway, why can’t we just savor the age they are at?
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This is something I’ve been thinking about lately, as my third child and baby turns 4 and I am on the other side. My 8 year old turned to me and said “Mum, what age did I start walking?” Not only was I surprised I had to recall it from the back of my mind somewhere, I thought back to when she was a little baby and how proud I was to turn up at my mothers group and say “My 10 month old is walking!” and how completely irrelevant it’s been in her life. In fact she was ahead in all her milestones, but it hasn’t stopped her struggling with certain areas of school. Then there was my youngest child who didn’t talk til she was 2. She is now 4 and nearly reading. Or my 6 year old who struggled through 2 years of kinder with separation issues who runs off to school every morning without looking back at me. Now I just tell people with babies, forget about all the advice you’re getting and do what works for you without the guilt. That’s what I wish someone had told me earlier.
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That was incredible-and like Rick I am not a parent. I think it can be transferred to all sorts of situations-uni-after you graduate who cares what mark you got on that assignment. It fades into insignificance.
GREAT ARTICLE!
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Terrific and inspiring article, Kirsty – I agree with every word.
This has been one of the most helpful aspects of having an ‘age-gap’ family (I have a teen, a tween and a toddler). I’ve found parenting the little one so much more relaxing when I only need look at my older kids and know that none of this ‘who does what when’ stuff matters.
You can’t tell which of them was breast or bottle fed, who knew her colours first or when they rolled over. As it happens, the one who crawled and walked latest is about to get her first pair of pointe shoes – she’s the dancer in the family.
This also helps me get through the sleepless nights phase, the reflux phase, the tantrum phase etc etc – because I’m reminded all the time that that’s all these are – phases.
I often think – if only I’d had my third child first, I could have picked this up at the outset and saved a lot of ‘first-time mum’ angst.
Now, I’m going to go and email this article to all the pregnant women in my life!
Thanks!!!
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Hey Emma. I realised, not so long, ago that in just over a year I will have a daughter turning 13, another 9 and a boy turning 2. A toddler, a tween and a teen. I honestly think it’s going to be great fun and i figure any tantrums may fizzle out pretty fast (otherwise i’m gonna find a big yacht and run away to sea…)
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Natalie – TTT is a fabulous combination! It’s definitely great fun – I love the variety, the way they interact and I think the little one keeps the teens more empathetic and grounded. (Well, that’s what I’m hoping, anyway… ask me in a couple of years!)
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Toddlers and teens are very similar in many ways….
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One of the best articles I have read on this site. Thank you!
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This is so so true. My eldest was born with Cerebral Palsy, so life for us has always been more about enjoying the journey that getting to the destination. I get really frustrated about young mums who stress over breastfeeding/sleeping habbits/ milestones, I want them to appreciate how lucky they are that they have a child who is developing typically. I always went with the advice that no one ever walks down the aisle with a dummy in their mouth!!
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fabulous x 10!
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I’m not even a parent and this was bloomin’ amazing. Looking from the outside in to all these worries I see just makes me want to shout ‘you have a beautiful child! That’s enough’!
Love your work KR.
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I love this!! And, interestingly, was having just this conversation over breakfast with friends! By the time your kids get to about three, you realise that you do the best with what you’re given, and all judgement seems fly out the window. It’s just that before then, when we are riddled with insecurity, that we are so intent on getting it ‘right’! Takes a few years to actually realise that we can’t control our offspring
we’ve just got to do what makes it easiest for us…and yes, love them. Awesome article!
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Excellent article. The best I have read on child rearing in forever! thanks. I really hope all the young mums out there read it and take note that it doesn’t matter what kind of house you live in, how much money you earn or the amount spent on their birthday parties, they just want your unconditional love and for you to think they are the bestest kid EVER!!
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I think that a collection of mothers (as in the birthday party example) tend to talk about and compare child development because in most cases children are the only thing that they have in common.
The best bits of advice that i was given as a new mother…the only advice i followed was…
Dress the baby at night in a different form of clothing than in the day time as it helps them learn the difference from day to night. ie if you use bonds jump suits in the day time don’t put baby to bed in them at night.
Never put the baby in it’s bed asleep. Is you breastfeed the baby to sleep, make sure it is awake before you actually put it in its bed. That way if it half wakes up it’ll then self settle as it knows where it is.
Buy a sleepskin and have the baby sleep on that so if an emergency happens and you have to leave the baby with someone else for a short time, the baby has something very familiar to sleep on.
Go straight from breast to cup.
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That’s all so true. I always had a very relaxed approach to parenting (maybe a tad too relaxed when I look back!). I’d hear about parents ripping the dummies from two year olds and worrying about potty training and breastfeeding and taking their bottles off them.
None of it matters. My kids were still going to bed with a bottle of warm milk at night when they started school! I figured it was a good way to get their milk into them. I kept them in nappies at night till they were an indecent age so I could be sure I wouldn’t be changing beds in the morning!
They’re all in their 20′s now, all with uni degrees and stable relationships, no therapy or anything.
My surprise baby was pickled in neurophan and Friday night wine sessions (didn’t know I was pregnant) and then put straight on the bottle and she had the reading age of a 13 year old when she was 6!
The newer, anxious, ambitious parents used to gather at the school gate admiring her superior intelligence and ask how proud I must be. I said, No, she’s a one trick pony and all the kids will be reading by high school unless they have an underlying learning difficulty. It’s just that she was indulged by me and lots of grown up siblings and was encouraged to read and loved it. Everything else is comfortingly ‘average.’
She still sleeps with me at night and people are saying she’ll be disturbed. Gawd knows what they think I’m doing that will disturb her – unless seeing your Mum eating Maltezers in bed while she watches Escape the Country triggers psychosis!
Chill out Mums. Keep some energy for when you really need it – teenagers, any one? SCREEEEEEAMMMMMMMMM
ps Just proof read the top line – I wasn’t actually ‘relaxed,’ that’s a lie. I worried 20 years off my life and still do about sickness and accidents. Maybe I should have said that I wasn’t comparing them to other children and I didn’t feel competitive. One friend used to tell me her baby was walking at six months! BS, holding a baby by the arms and putting their feet on top of yours as you walk isn’t ‘walking.’ Don’t listen to people, a lot of them are either stupid, ignorant, lying, delusional or a combination of some or all.
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omg, meet me for coffee now. My kids are 16, 18 & 18 and I too was a very relaxed mother, they all watched countless hours of Play School which I taped on 4 hours VHS tapes and the boys had dummies until I can’t even remember but not far off school and nappies, man, my eldest was in them up to school age at night and is now studying a science degree at uni and one of the smartest, wisest people I know.
and yes, teenagers can be a lot of fun. Must admit that I am glad their diet was healthy when they were babies, because as teenagers I am off the firm opinion that Macca’s has the five food groups somewhere within their menu as it is pretty much all my youngest eats.
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LOLLL, my sons both did 4 Unit MacDonald’s for the HSC. They knew every outlet in the Sydney-Metropolitan area and the delicate nuances that made the store around the corner better than the one closest to the particular sporting field. Don’t worry about Macca’s. They reckon it’s the KFC kids who get fat!
Oh but I long for those far off days of their Macca’s addiction. Now they’re either stripping or bulking, no carbs or carb loading – driving me nuts.
Unfortunately the girls went off the Maccas early so as not to get fat and DIE from putting all that shit in your body don’t you know what it does to you its so disgusting I don’t know how you can put it in your mouth.
Yeahhh whateva.
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Fantastic story – love is all you need!
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So true! I won a major industry award last year and…I was bottle-fed! LOL Ironic considering I’m a passionate breastfeeding advocate, but there you go
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And THAT is what they never tell you at the hospital pre natal classes.
What a shame.
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Love, love, LOVE.
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Oh my GOD. Thank you.
BRA-VO.
*applauds*
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That’s given me goosebumps!
It should be handed out in every antenatal show bag.
Well done you.
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This is such a timely article for me. I have two beautiful girls. My youngest is 10 months and yet to even crawl. The amount of wasted energy I’ve spent worrying about her lack of movement is ridiculous!
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My oldest daughter never crawled just mastered the bum shuffle .. didn’t walk til almost 2 and now at 6 is perfect
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I had a bum shuffler too! Started at 10 months, stood at 17 months & walked at 19 months. He was my first and I worried & stressed about his development constantly. He’s now a perfect 4! I am always looking out for other bum shufflers (he got so much positive & negative attention) but I’m yet to see one in real life. Now I worry about number 2 who is nearly 2 walked at 8 months and isn’t keen on talking…. I love this article
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My boy twin is just like yours, Juzzy! He is 19.5 months and just bum shuffles, no crawling, stands a bit but is not that interested in walking. Having a twin sister toddling around he gets compared to her all the time and it stresses me out. He also has a dummy, she doesn’t. But I think I have to just relax – and as they say, be careful what you wish for. Two toddlers darting off on me every second does not sound like fun!
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Don’t worry about it. I was a bum shuffler, and I turned out ok.
Just for the discussion, I have a couple of degrees and an IQ that’s through the roof. I’m also at the top of my profession.
On the down side? Didn’t get an ounce of wisdom….
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That made me cry. I LOVED it. Thankyou. You have made my day! Xxxxxx
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I have never responded to a post on any blog/forum/chat-room before but I want to say thank you to Kirsty for such a wonderful piece of writing. I have a fifteen month old daughter who is healthy, happy and the light of our life. At times it is so easy to get caught up in all the things I ‘think’ I should be doing to help her grow and develop. However, she is happy just pottering and I’m happiest when I chill out, get involved in her play and laugh with her. Love is all she needs at the moment from me – not kiddy gym, not constant stimulation, not music classes. Thank you for making me stop for a moment to remember that.
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“I am happiest when I chill out” – so true. Thanks for the lovely comment xx
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Fabulous article – I really loved reading that. I had a terribly hard time trying yo breast feed my first son, who was premature.
I remember my obstetrician saying to me at the 6 week check up (as I dissolved in tears at my “failure”), “I can assure you that when your son is up on stage accepting his degree certificate, no one will be asking whether he was breastfed or not. “. It’s so true. Unfortunately when you are living in the moment it’s hard to have such perspective.
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