Kate Hunter
BY KATE HUNTER
Sometimes I get my 11-year-old son to listen to his little sister’s reading homework. Actually, I do it most nights.
Although I’m a children’s author, I have little patience with children learning to read. It’s just the way I am. When I was five and learning to read myself, it drove me nuts if the kid I was sharing a reader with was slower than me. ‘It says, See Dick and Jane run,’ I’d huff, ‘Can we please turn the page now?’
I absolutely realise the value of reading with children, but I don’t think it needs to be me – as long as someone does it. Bonus if it’s a relative.
Ben is a bookish kid, and part of his homework is to read with a member of his family. That might as well be his little sister, right? Apparently not.
Last week, another mum at my kids’ school was semi-complaining about all the ‘homework’ our little ones get. I laughed and told her I outsource some of it to my other kids. She was shocked.
‘But you read aloud with Ben when he was small, why should Sally miss out on that time with you? And why should Ben have that responsibility. He’s only eleven!’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘He’s the eldest.’
That was a pretty ordinary response, I know, but I was under fire in a way I hadn’t experienced since I revealed I sometimes drop my kids at the Library while I nip into Coles.
It made me think about how focused today’s parents are on treating all their kids equally. I don’t believe it’s possible, or something worth striving for.
My friend Cathy is one of twelve kids (and has four herself) and says people should parent as if they have a big family – even if they have just the one. It teaches resilience, responsibility and unselfishness.
This approach makes sense to me. I don’t see how it can be bad for a girl to spend an hour doing craft with a younger brother. Or a boy to watch a toddler while their mum shoots off a few emails. It’s better than spending that 30 minutes on the Wii, surely?
To offset these duties, there are a lot of benefits in being an eldest – for a while you had your parents to yourself, you get all the new clothes, rode in stroller free of crusty dried banana smear. Possibly you stayed up a bit later and there will invariably be more photos of you in the family album.
Similarly, if you’re you’re down the birth order, the rules often become more lax. My youngest was watching Harry Potter at age 4 and got Barbecue Shapes to shut her up so I could help her sister make a model of Uluru.
I know some families work extremely hard to make sure every child is treated equally. They ensure every kid receives the same number of Christmas presents, plays an equal number of sports. One family I know counts the chips on dinner plates to avoid accusations of favoritism and save on therapy down the track.
Really? I want to say, ‘Can’t you just tell your kids that everyone is different, and in the grand scheme of things they all do bloody well?’
One day their chip ship will come in.
To me, a family is more than a collection of individuals. It’s greater than the sum of its parts. Members of our family can do and have most things, but not at the same time. I can’t manage it. Not if I want to stay married, financially solvent and out of rehab.
And we can all do more fun stuff if everyone pulls their weight. At our place, that means Ben helping Sally with her reading while I cook dinner. Sally would love to play soccer but we can’t manage that on a Saturday because of the others’ sport, so she’ll have to wait another year. A bit tough for her, but she’ll get over it. We can only be in two places at once.
If anyone feels sorry for my kids because they aren’t treated equally all the time, please don’t. They are fine – happy, loved and educated. Save your sympathy for children in warring countries who aren’t reading to their little sisters, but raising them.
If you have siblings, did you have to help out with them as kids? If you’re a parent, how much do you expect your older kids to do?
Comments
148 Comments so far
Awesome article.
My sister and I are five years apart. She gets away with a lot more than I did, but then I was a terrible teenager, always pushing the boundaries and my parents buttons.
I know that our parents love us equally yet differently because we are like chalk and cheese. I also know that if I ever need my sister, she will be the first one to come to my aid. She was the first one to hug me or climb into bed for a cuddle when a relationship ended, and she was always the one to stick up for me.
Of course we have our moments, but she is my sister and my best friend, and will be my bridesmaid when I get married next year. She is also the best auntie to my stepson-to-be and will be the best auntie when I have my own children.
We have always known that she will be like a second mum to my kids, and that we will be close no matter what.
loading...
Completely agree swings and roundabouts, as the youngest I got away with pretty good ride. However as my older brother has a disability I often had to be the carer to assist my parents. As the parent of two boys I expect them both to help each other and assist parental duties regardless of birth order
loading...
Completely agree swings and roundabouts, as the youngest I got away with pretty good ride. However as my older brother has a disability I often had to be the carer to assist my parents. As the parent of two boys I expect them both to help each other and assist parental duties regardless of birth order
loading...
I don’t feel things have to be equal, but my dad does. He recently gave my sister $7000 to help them with IVF, and then insisted on giving me $7000 too to make it fair. I argued that I didn’t need it, but he was insistent. Score! We’re opening $1000 accounts each for our 2 kids and putting the rest against our mortgage. Thanks dad!
loading...
In the real world, nothing is ever totally equal.
Maybe the person in front of at KFC got a burger that looked like it wasn’t constructed by a retarded monkey who was flinging poo with his dominant hand, and you didn’t. Good to be prepared for it.
loading...
I have just let Patrick (age 11) read this to confirm that he is not the only big brother (to 3 younger brothers) who is expected to pitch in. Thanks for the external support of my parenting position. He and Ben can commiserate in their own blogs if necessary!
loading...
My kids are only 6, 5 and 3 but I’m just starting to be able to enjoy doing this. My husband usually has a couple of very late nights home form work so I enlist my 6 year old to read to my 3 year old and put him to bed. It’s awesome! Now my 5 year old is able to read simple readers so likes to read them to him also. Sometimes they even fight over who gets to do it. My 6 year old has even started making kindy lunches for my 3 year old.
Delegation is a beautiful thing. My 3 year old is leaps and bounds far more secure, confident, friendly and outgoing then my older 2 were at his age. It really makes me think……..
They say it’s great for kids to have pets to learn responsibility and empathy. I say go one better and given them a younger sibling to care for!!
loading...
I’m not sure I agree Kate! Granted, I only have one child and my idealistic view may very well change in 4 months when number two comes along, but in the meantime I think it’s very important to treat kids equally.
I do see your point in terms of everyone helping out piecing the family puzzle together and I have no issues with your son helping his sister do her homework. The way you describe it, it seems he probably gets quite a bit out of it. I also don’t think waiting with soccer practise for a year will do much harm.
My issue is with eg curfew for kids. My husband and I often discuss how different ruled would apply to different genders, ie our daughter would never be allowed out, whereas our son would be allowed home around midnight. That’s a complete no-go for me.
Also, being the older sibling I remember my dad spending a lot of time at my brother’s sport but never any at mine. My brother had weekly games, I had an annual concert.
Imbalance like that doesn’t work for me, the day to day bits and pieces I care less about.
loading...
Sorry your daughter would never be allowed out? Middle Ages much? She going to be fitted with a chastity belt as well? Better to educate on how to keep safe, make sure they go out in groups and invest time in building up a quality relationship so you can talk through issues and support her. Sheltering your children too much will damage them and your relationship with them in the long run..
loading...
When I was in kindy, my mum refused to buy white bread (and this was before white bread was regarded as a catalyst of the apocalypse.) I used to be bullied because I had ‘poo bread’ at school and, no matter how hard I tried to aggressively sing the Tip Top song to her, my mum still refused to budge.
Along comes my sister. She shared my hatred of ‘poo bread.’ However, she had a different approach; vomiting up brown bread (and anything else she didn’t like.) So, eventually, my mum had to buy white bread (along with fruit roll ups and tina wafers, and bloody everything else that would have made my lunchbox credible.) But I wasn’t allowed it.
Still bitter? Yes. TREAT YOUR CHILDREN EQUALLY, DAMN IT! My family can’t eat sandwiches anymore without an episode of Jerry Springer playing out in our kitchen!
loading...
Word up, this is so true.
My brother is nine years younger than me and every time I visit them at home I like to have a good-natured gripe about the things he is allowed to eat that my health-nut parents wouldn’t even let us look at in the supermarket aisle. But on balance, my sister and I don’t have Asperger’s Syndrome. Swings and roundabouts.
loading...
I’m the oldest of four, and I did notice that my parents were more lax in some areas with my younger siblings than me.
My youngest siblings are five and six years younger than me. My sister, now 17, still comes to me and asks me to entertain her when she’s bored (which sucks for my parents now I’ve moved out because she now goes to them, haha).
It was my job to read to my brother every night, which I didn’t mind most nights; but I hated when my mum wanted me to help him clean his room. I hated cleaning my own room, let alone his! But these night time stories were a really good bonding time for my brother and I, and I like to think that’s why we’re relatively close.
I read the first 2 Harry Potter books to him, and he’s the only other HP fan in the family.
Some things my parents held firm to- us girls couldn’t get our ears pierced until we were 13, we didn’t get mobile phones until we were 15. But some things like bedtimes did get more lax over the years, which used to annoy me.
Now, I’m nearly 22, not living at home, and still having to help my younger siblings with their homework!
loading...
Kids shouldnt be treated the same because they aren’t the same they are individulas ! Good for you Kate! I am trying for number two at the moment and part of my choice to have another baby is so that Number 1 has someone to play with that isnt me (selfish me huh haha) And to be honest I cant wait for her to be able to be the big sister. I think its great what your doing and if anything reading aloud helps the elder childs reading as well.
loading...
My husband is soccer coach for our 9yo’s team and we have just appointed the 13yo ‘Assistant Coach’ as we figure this is better than her sitting around at home on facebook while they are out at soccer training. Is she happy about this? No. OUr response? Bad luck.
loading...
It is impossible to treat your kids equally. Even as an adult my parents are still looking out for/helping my siblings and I in different ways. Its ebs and flows and is definitely not equal. But who cares! When I was at uni- living 1200km from Mum and Dad- in a city I had never been in, and didn’t qualify for any Centrelink payments- my parents had to pay my rent. I worked part time around full time uni for things like petrol, food, but Mum and Dad paid my rent and for things to do with uni like books and net. I would not have been able to study and then get my dream job if it wasn’t for them.
While this was happening my older sister was moving out of home with her boyfriend. They saved up and did it all on their own- no help from either sets of parents. But then this year they got married (after 10 years together!!) And who paid for their wedding? Mum and Dad. 8 years after they paid to put me through uni. It all evens out and my sister never cared that they helped me through uni while she got nothing. She was stoked to be doing it on her own and had a great job at a very young age.
When my youngest brother finished high school he paid mum and dad $5000 and bought Mum’s 2 year old car- obviously worth more. My grand parents said he was spoilt and should have gotten a crap car. But the way I see it, he worked all through year 12 after school at a fast food restaurant, saving all his money, while his friends already had cars throughout year 12. And only when he graduated and saved the money himself did he get a car.
Yes he is the youngest, but us three older siblings never got cars (we all saved up and bought shitty ones). But this doesn’t bother me at all- nor my sister or other brother.
We all know we are loved equally and we are all really good friends and really love each other. People often comment to my parents about how close we all are despite 4 siblings and 2 parents being split across 3 towns/cities.
loading...
You go Kate! Sometimes I think MM can read my mind.
A topical subject for me right now as the 2.5yo has started sprouting off the old “that’s not fair”. If only she was a little older I could share with her some of the thoughts running through my head…..
“My beautiful children,
I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but yes, it is true; life can be unfair. Sometimes, it can be disappointing. Often, in fact. For some, life can even be terribly cruel.
I will do my best to make our little life as enjoyable as I can. Taking into consideration our whole family. But I am confident there will be times when you feel you have not received your share.
If I was to pretend things were always fair, that you will never experience a feeling of injustice, I would be giving you an unrealistic expectation for your future. You may struggle to enjoy and appreciate what you do have. You could perhaps experience chronic disappointment. You may even grow to be very unhappy.
You will likely get your share of curveballs in this life, of that I am almost certain. But perhaps if you can handle life’s little ups and downs, you may have a chance at weathering the big ones.
I love you. But more than I want you to love me or like me back, I need to prepare you for the light and shade of life.
Love Mummy
x”
loading...
I was told that ‘fair’ was something you paid to get on the bus! Life’s not fair, sooner you get that the better. Go you!
loading...
Made me laugh! I just facebooked last night about how I had outsourced my Preppie’s homework supervision to Miss Grade 2!
It’s not all the time, but it makes Miss Grade 2 feel important, kept Preppie happy because she wanted to do her homework, and allowed me to have my dinner!
I call it efficient parenting!
loading...
That was fantastic Kate! I love the outsourcing of the home reader. Home reading is the bane of my existence. I will be implementing this tonight.
loading...
Im a younger sibling, so my own childhood is irrelevant.
My own children however. There is a 10 year break between numbers 2 and 3, so 1 and 2 learned how to care for babies and sometimes had to pull baby sitting at night, so that we could go out to a movie/dinner etc. they got more of a choice on what’s on tv and so on initially.
I’ve tried to treat them fairly equally (both “sets” of kids), but it’s very hard with a big age difference because their needs and wants are so different.
loading...
Love it, I often get evils from friends because I don’t find it necessary to give each child the same and I don’t try to even things up. In the real adult world it’s not going to happen.
loading...
Really love this perspective. The equality thing just gets way out of proportion, and the funny thing is that kids just pick up on what’s going on and use it to get what they want out of their parents when, really, they perfectly understand that we can’t all be equal centre of attention and equal in what we get and what’s expected of us all the time.
I hate the way you’re treated like you are actually damaging children if you do something that’s unequal at one second in time, but would naturally even out over days and years anyway. My example is that I used to make quilts. I offered to make one each for my nieces and nephews (four from one family, 3 from the other). The kids were thrilled (yes, they were little) and knew that I wouldn’t be able to do them all at once so they’d get them one at a time over a couple of years. They eagerly picked out patterns and we even drew names to decide which to make first. All was good. Then I got taken aside by one of the mums and was told that she had only agreed to me making them all quilts if it was equal and she thought I would just make them and give them all out at the same time. I said, well, it’s going to take years (I have other things to do!!), and the kids seem happy to wait and enjoy them as they come. She told me I wasn’t allowed to make them for her kids anymore if they weren’t all delivered on the same day. The same went for stuffed toys, anything. It was also mentioned that she’d noticed that I didn’t spend exactly the same amount on every present I gave (i.e. 2, 3 or maybe even 5 dollars difference sometimes!!!) and that really wasn’t acceptable.
Hmm. I only have one daughter, but I deliberately take the biggest piece of cake sometimes, or serve myself first, so that she has to wait her turn, come second, whatever. We’ll take turns choosing a movie (even if it’s a kids’ one) or what to have for takeaway. But I also make sure I don’t get to decide everything, just because I’m the adult. She gets a lot of say in things. I also tell her that as she’s older/younger than her cousins, she’ll sometimes be treated differently. Like, she can’t throw a tanty about not being first, but the little ones can. She is old enough to be able to wait when littlies haven’t learnt to wait long enough to be last in line etc. Like Kate says, she actually loves the responsibility, and being trusted to do it nicely, and knows that her restraint is really valued. It also means that kids have more of a real role in family things – they’re not just receiving your services and coming to expect all the stuff you do for them. They’re part of giving to others in the family.
i probably wouldn’t leave my kids in the library
, but I do agree with this one!!
loading...
Well said Kate!
I’m the eldest of six and always helped out with younger siblings – still do, but of course in more adult way.
Life won’t give kids exactly the same amount of chips (!) it will treat them differently for a whole variety of reasons. That’s reality!!!!
loading...
Well said Kate. I’m with you
loading...
Ah Kate. You are forever my Parenting Guru. I cannot wait for your parenting book because you are truly sage.
Like Yoda.
My eldest is 8 years older than his sister and 11 years older than his brother. He still hasn’t forgiven us for procreating again.
loading...
My oldest girl always wanted to have a sister, so her brother was a disappointment as a toddler. I produced 2 sisters for her when she was 13 and 16. Well she was not interested for years. When I reminded her of her wish for a sister she said, and I quote”I wanted one before, not now, they don’t even like me”. She was 18.
loading...
Thanks Kate – exactly what I needed to read to appease my ‘mother guilt’ worrying if I’m doing ‘enough’ for each of my 4 kids – but reading this has made me realise I have an unique relationship with each of them that doesn’t need to be equal or identical! Plus I have my 10 year old doing the 7 year olds reader and his times tables and then jolly phonics with the 5 year old sometimes followed by playing ‘pretend games’ with his 3 year old sister!! (sometimes just so I can read the paper in peace!)
loading...
we were away for Easter with two other families and my eldest (who had been playing the entire weekend and had not lifted a finger to help) asked why she had to do something when her youngest sister had it done for her (I can’t remember what it was, but it was marginal.)
My answer “because we love her more” shocked the adults, and made my eldest roll her eyes and do the task herself.
On a similar note, i read an article today about a mum whose daughter was going to a fairy party and asked whether she was going to be the prettiest fairy there. The mum reasuured her that she would be. I would have said “probably not, who knows what the others are wearing. Can you live with it or do you want to stay home?”
I think it is our responsibility to keep our kids’ egos and sense of entitlement in check, and it is BETTER for their self-esteem if we do. And the way a kid feels good about themselves is to see themselves contributing and their work valued by their tribe, so good on you Kate for giving your son the chance to be productive.
loading...
I love your style of parenting.
loading...
aw shucks, thank you.
loading...
Love it Camille, I often use the yes we love her more line. Kids need reality to be resilient not someone blowing sunshine up their rear ends all the time telling thm they are the bestest at everything.
loading...
Completely agree…at Easter my son played Jesus in a school play which he was really proud to have been chosen for. Yesterday he played an inconspicuous sheep in a play about the Boy Who Cried Wolf…he came home from school and I asked him how his play went. He said “Mum I was only a sheep…but I was the best darn sheep you ever saw!”…I was even more proud that he’s grasping the concept of putting in 100% no matter what you do and you’ll feel great about it.
loading...
You’ve just given me a great idea for how we can actually get those home readers done!
loading...
I am a middle child. With all the issues that come with that.
I spend an awful lot of time torturing my mother for not treating me equally. I complain that my older sister got all the attention because she was a bit rebellious, and then my little brother got all the attention because he was a head-spinning brat child.
As the perfect child (naturally), I got no attention. I was just quietly being awesome and raising myself. It was tough being me… but, you know what? I turned out brilliantly. I’m not the special first child and I’m not the precious baby. I’m the middle child. But it’s ok, because, just between you and me, I’m the best one.
loading...
Between you and me. (sorry)
loading...
“I was just quietly being awesome and raising myself”
Totally awesome! I love this!
So true, I think all children think that they get a rough deal – there was a post a while back on favourites, and practically NO commenters thought that they were their parents’ favourite!
loading...
I too had an older sister and younger brother..she was the special first child the one who has hundreds of baby pics I’ve got 10? Haha no I lie I’ve got 1 dad and mum have 1 her first day of kindy was photographed..and still have the pics…my brother..well he was the boy and baby so yeah I done my own thing and naturally looked up to my nan and aunt they loved me they could see how left out I was :/
loading...
One of my favourite childhood memories is reading to my three-years-younger brother while Mum did the housework…I can still remember tucking the blanket over us during winter to keep extra warm. As older children, we were always encouraged to look after each other, whether it be homework, sport or chores around the house – obviously fights ensued on more than one occasion, but we have always known that the other one has our back
and now at 33 and 30 years of age, that’s STILL the case!
loading...
When I grow up I want to be a Kate Hunter.
loading...
So do I.
loading...
You know what life isn’t fair & equal.
Children who are bought up thinking it is, are in for a nasty shock when they hit the real world.
I was an only child with about 300 foster brothers & sisters. Those kids came from lives that were not fair & equal, so my Mum tried to make up for it when they lived with us. Whether it was 3 nights or 3 years.
Sometimes it felt unfair that I had to share my Mum with children I wasn’t even related with, but I actually enjoyed helping them & teaching them & I think I became a more independent, compassionate, caring person because of it.
Now I am a step Mum & we try to be fair, but a family is about give & take & doing your bit.
One of our children is extremely bright & musically gifted. She helps her younger brother with his trumpet practice as I can say it doesn’t sound right, but I don’t read music very well, so I can’t really assist him.
Not only does she help him, but it helps her musical training by advising him.
I’m all for it. We’re building resilient, independent young adults.
loading...
We’ve been doing strategies at uni for how to manage the whole class – ie you do a lesson and the kids have work, you always have the brighter (even gifted and talented) kids finishing first, and kids who will struggle. So you pair the kids who struggle up with the brighter kids, the brighter kids can and usually enjoy helping the other kids. And it keeps them occupied and consolidates their knowledge. The kids at my prac school are fantastic at this – every class I’ve been in the early finishers get up and go and help the other kids who are slower.
loading...
No I hated when teachers did that to me at primary school! I remember this one boy named Chris who they purposely sat next to me for all of Grade 5. I always finished first and was encouraged to help him. I didn’t want to help him. The way I saw it- I worked hard and finished first- so I should be rewarded, not punished by helping the boy who stole my pens and wrote all over the desk with permanent marker. I just wanted them to give me more work to do. This is when I realised I could never be a teacher. Bleh. And without a doubt I will be outsourcing homework when I have kids for this very same reason.
loading...
My son is one of those kids that helps the others. He tells me he is often one of the first to finish and then he gets asked to go and help/check ‘jack/johnny” with their maths/words etc. He is soooooo proud of this responsibility. However I do agree with Kate below, they shouldnt be sat next to each other, that is not fair and then it becomes a chore and not the self esteem building task it can be.
Oh & it is absolutely adorable to have my son come home and say ‘guess what mummy! Today Jack/Johnny was able to do their maths all by themselves, I didnt have to help at all! AND he got them ALL right!” his sense of achievement from his past help and tutoring is just fantastic…
loading...
This is a good strategy I think, though in my very humble opinion as a beginning teacher (my mum has a lot of experience with teaching gifted and talented children as well), I dislike it as an overused strategy. Bright children need to have their learning extended too (they are not if they are busy teaching another child something they already know that is already consolidated), and I feel that many teachers don’t extend bright children anywhere near enough. I believe in ability clustering the same as they do in high schools, and this is what they do in many high achieving primary schools. But that is of course only my opinion.
loading...
I agree about it being overused – I had a mix of being extended (I’d go to maths and reading with the year above mine) and then helping the kids who needed it with other stuff. I also LOVED being in a 3/4 class when in Year 3. There were only six of us, and they picked the top achievers – we then were tested for the gifted and talented class for Years 5 and 6, and off I went.
If you can see the kids don’t enjoy helping and explaining, of course you shouldn’t do it. I think it happens naturally anyway (through all levels of education) but sometimes you do just want to keep going with the work!
loading...
Another fantastic piece Kate, thank you so much. I could not agree more. I have four children and we just don’t have the time, money or third and fourth parents to do everything the same way (or as much) for all of the children. The only exception is obvious but I’ll say it anyway – we love them just as much as each other and they know that. I love to watch my older children take responsibility for the younger ones, they do it beautifully and I know they are better people for it. I have no doubt that in time the younger ones will carry their load too, it’s all swings and roundabouts. It has been that way for my brother and myself (and there are only two of us) from childhood and well into our adulthoods. I think this approach also creates an important understanding between siblings that family is not about individual entitlements, it is a communal entitlement, a sharing of the enormous privileges we have, and a sense of being happy for the things/time/amount of Ribena your sibling gets.
Kate, you did a post recently on favourite parenting books. Mine is all of your posts on parenting. x shanks
loading...
I am with you Kate! Fair is not a great goal – I am more interested in teaching them cooperation, patience and resilience. I am not very open to the ‘that’s not fair’ argument. If they feel independent and confident they will be happier than if they keep stopping to work out whether they got their fair share of whatever is on offer. Swings and roundabouts pretty much sums it up!
loading...
I’m struggling to believe that anyone can find a problem with an 11yo sitting down to read with his sister! To me, that is a glorious thing. My 8yo daughter will often sit down with a book with her 6yo brother – sometimes it’s to read to him, other times to listen to him read – and every time, it positively gladdens my heart to watch them bond over words. There is NO downside, Kate!
loading...
Kids need to read. Whether its to their parent or sibling make no difference. Along as the older child can correct any mistakes gently, having a older child read to a younger one makes perfect sense to me. Creates a bit of sibling bonding and reduces mum;s stress which benefits everyone in the family.
loading...
i do remember on the rare occasions we got soft drink as kids that we lined our glasses up and got down to eye level to pour to make sure they were exactly equal!
loading...
I remember when the plate of doughnuts came out (before lunch, and we weren’t allowed to eat until all lunch gone) my sister would always find the biggest one and lick it, thus reserving it as her own.
loading...
When ever i read you articles i feel as if it is me, or my alter ego.
all i can say is 30 years on the kids i know who were protected by their parents and made “equal” are still trying to get it together and my four who were what your article explains, “part of a family” , are surviing quite well thank you.
People need to look at their friends and ask what was their childhood like. In 20 years who comes out as a mature adult!!!!1
loading...
I love you Kate Hunter! Ahem, I think I have said that for the last 3 articles you have written…
loading...
Thanks batgirl.
loading...
Amen to that:)!!!
loading...
Kate I don’t have kids, but I am going to save all your articles for when I do. I despair of this absolute child centred family model that seems to have sprung up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a brother helping his sister with reading. In fact, it’ll probably strengthen their relationship.
I just had the funniest facebook conversation with my little sister and I was thinking of what a great relationship I have with her. Part of that is because she’s great, but I think part of it is because my parents didn’t have much money when we were kids and my mum was studying. That meant we didn’t do many activities outside of school and we spent a lot of time just playing together, with her friends and my friends and the neighbour’s kids. I guess I probably was looking out for my sister, but I never thought of it like that. I look back at those experiences so fondly and I’m so glad that not only did we develop such a lovely friendship, but my mum was able to get stuff done.
Thanks Kate, I really love your work.
loading...
Gold! Thanks Kate, I’m so glad I’m not the only one who operates like this!
And what’s with filling in those silly home reading diaries anyway? They get a story, they go to sleep. Doesn’t matter who reads the story, as long as they get a kiss. I don’t have time to fill in a diary about who liked what about which book and why…. And the baby gets cut more slack because she’s the baby!
loading...
Great article Kate. It got my attention because I’ve always had the unerring feeling that my younger sister was treated differently to me, got away with more and was generally the favoured child…..erm that’s probably because she was…and is! Being a 46yr old mother of two, boy of 13, girl of 9, I have strived to treat them completely equally, showering them with the same amount of affection, Christmas presents, opportunities, etc, but as we all know it’s impossible to be equal everyday of the week in every given situation. Now I know why my pre-school sister used to get two chocolate bars, one during the day & one after school, and I only got one after school, she just happened to be in the right place at the right time! I think it’s nice to give kids special individual responsibilities (including looking after younger siblings, etc) and treats/praise for carrying them out, otherwise how will they ever feel unique, if we treat them identically all the time?
loading...
I know a lot of people who were basically a third parent to their younger siblings, and I don’t think that’s fair. When I was a teenager I was friends with a few girls who were treated like a nanny/housekeeper by their parents, and they really resented it. There’s helping out at home, and then there’s doing a full-time job for a few bucks pocket money a week. One of my close friends still has a slightly weird relationship with her younger sister. There’s only 5 years between them, but my friend was given so much responsibility for her sister that they are much more mother/daughter than sisters.
I was the oldest, and while it did make me more independent and responsible, I don’t think it was some grand plan by my parents. They just had too many kids in too short a space of time, ran out of money and time, and had to leave me to fend for myself. So I gained independence, but my siblings had a lot more opportunity because my parents had much more time and money when they got older.
loading...
Being almost 6 years old than my twin sisters, my childhood revolved around looking after them. I adored them and sometimes liked bring mini mum, but as mum worked, I looked after them every day after school and throughout the school holidays and do feel like I missed my own childhood because of it. My relationship with them today is more mother than sister despite fact that we are now in our thirties. On the upside, i am a very responsible person because of it. So yes, treating children differently due to age differences is not itself a bad thing at all, but it can be taken too far.
loading...
We are called ‘parents’ as we are positioned to parent – involving the responsibility to teach, nurture and guide.
The receivers of this parenting are beings called ‘children’. They are to receive our teachings, nurturing and guidance.
We as ‘parents’ cater for and respond to the ‘children’s’ individuality (age, abilities etc.). This our ‘job’.
Role reversal is ok for a child during ‘pretend play’. Even I loved to be the pretend ‘teacher/parent’ for my younger siblings when I was a ‘child’.
Role reversal for ‘real’ when we are children with the intent of this expectation being expected and serious, is a bit of a stomach turner. I would feel used.
A mini adulthood inflicted on a child, when a child, leaves a large gap in their healthy development. And as was said above, resentment towards the parent sets in. Love for the siblings doesn’t change for the worse though.
I gave birth to my children; I became a parent. I didn’t give birth to substitute parents for their siblings.
It can be hard being in six places at once as a mum. But you don’t want your kids growing up at ‘sixes-and-sevens’ with their own individual identity and sense of appropriate and fair (and unique value) place within the family unit.
loading...
i’m going to take a guess- are you now a nurse??
loading...
No…but I do manage people and have been since my early twenties. Have always been told that I am good at managing people – perhaps it was the childhood training with my sisters. As an aside, my sisters even struggle to babysit my children for a two hour timelsot, saying it’s too hard to juggle both of them. So perhaps the skills that I gained with my overly responsible chilldhood were in a way taken from them – their childhood was free of responsibility so they struggle with it as adults? Hmmmm.
loading...
hugs
loading...
me….not a nurse …a children’s legal advocate.
loading...
I am the youngest of two and my parents go to such ridiculous lengths to treat us ‘equally,’ even now.
They used to favour my sister a little, because she is a full-on genius and was the most well-behaved teenager you’ve ever met, and then I came along and it was like: “DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THIS DEVIL SPAWN?!”
Which stems from me feeling inadequate and unable to reach her dizzying heights and thus deciding not to even try to compete with her. But hey, that’s all for the shrink’s couch.
Anyway, my parents saw some experts themselves when I was nearing the end of my teen years and saw that perhaps they had favouritised a little. So they decided to get even.
Even though we’re both in our mid/late 20s and living in different cities far away from our parents, when it comes to the Sunday night ‘catch-up,’ they will call her first one week, me the next. To keep it even. Prior to Skype or mobile phone loudpspeaker, they used to even take it in turns who we spoke to first. Last week I spoke to Dad first? Mum’s first this week, then.
Even when they buy birthday presents, if there is a financial gap between how much they spent on either of our gifts (which are six months apart!) they will make it up in cash!
Haha, there are so many more examples of this kind of behaviour from them, and although I think it’s a bit silly of them to go to such extreme lengths, I know their hearts are absolutely in the right place and it all comes from a place of love. Equal love.
I don’t know how I will do it differently when I have kids, but I do think the first step is something a lot of us don’t even appreciate yet, and that is the fact that we talk about all this stuff and parents are much more open and honest with their kids nowadays.
Ah, equality.
loading...
Oh Miss B, that’s gold! Esp the bit about making up the difference in gift value with cash. I love it. You seem to have turned out all right though – maybe my rant was unnecessary?
loading...
Well, define “all right.”
Your post was definitely not unnecessary!
At the end of the day, though, we’re really not all that damaged from any of this kind of stuff.
As long as your kids know you love them (which you obviously do, or you wouldn’t be stressing about these things) they will be OK.
xo
loading...
us too! when mum worked we used to take it in turns on who would answer the phone first, and also who would sit in the front seat etc
loading...
I love this article, being the 12th of 13 children who was taught almost everything from reading to periods by my sisters, when we were younger there were probably people pitying my teenage brother with me on his hip while mum cooked dinner, I can tell you that the relationships we built are amazingly close, we are all independent and resilient and my mum, by delegating some of these jobs has avoided rehab and running away! I am trying to raise my three (16, 13 and 11) with the same approach, it’s lovely to see them helping each other with maths, shoe laces, problems with friends. They don’t always get equal time with us as parents but they always have each other;)
loading...
Brilliant. Well said.
I often tell me 3 that life is not fair, get used to it! In our house, everyone does not get a prize. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Sometimes you get the front seat, sometimes you get to go to a party when your sibling does not. Live with it.
The only way that I try to make sure the ‘fairness’ is perceived is in the allocation of chores. If you empty the dishwasher, you don’t have to set the table or feed the dog. One of the others can do this. Doesn’t always come out ‘fair’ but we have a crack. And when someone says ‘It’s not fair’, suck it up princess.
I am now off to get ready to head out for dinner with my wonderful husband, leaving my daughter to put her brothers to bed. So unfair…
loading...
How old is your daughter Mum of 3?
loading...
Probably a teenager. I did the same when my oldest were teenagers.
loading...
Gotta love the smug parent with too much time on their hands. Must be exhausting being perfect
My son helps his sister with her maths homework because he’s great at it and he knows the new way of doing maths. If I was helping her I’d be showing her the old fashioned way to work the questions out. Leaves me free to cook their dinner anyway! If I was helping her, she’d get the workings wrong and we’d be having take-away.
My 9yo came with us to see the Hunger Games. His older siblings wanted to see it in the holidays and I couldnt leave him at home, but I would have never let my other kids see an M rated movie at 9.
loading...
That’s a bit harsh. I am a single parent, work nearly full time, cook all the meals, prepare lunches, help the kids with their homework, and shock horror, do the readers that are sent home, plus lots of extra curricular stuff.
loading...
Each to their own, Anonymous. I’m sure you do the very best you can for your childrnot and that’s admirable, but I’m not sure that your ‘single mum’ status gives you the right to judge the parenting of others as ‘harsh’. Can’t we all just accept that the majority of mothers and families do the best they can for their children?
loading...
“Save your sympathy for children in warring countries who aren’t reading to their little sisters, but raising them”
Perspective, it’s so important, isn’t it? Lovely.
loading...
Being treated equal is just never going to happen! And how boring would a family be if it did! I still recall, as the middle child, waiting so patiently to turn 12 so I could sit in the front seat of the car with mum. My older brother was allowed to when he turned 12. I was so devastated when it was finally my turn and on the day of my 12th birthday my 9 year old sister ran to the front and stole the car seat. I couldn’t believe it and was obviously hysterical. Didn’t age prove that it was my right to have the front seat! So in between my screaming and yelling, my sister (who was always bigger than I) turned around and casually said over her shoulder ‘you may be 12, but mum says I’ve got the weight!’.
We all still laugh about it now. No it wasn’t fair, but it was really funny.
loading...
Yes !!!!!! Sanity prevails
loading...
Great article Kate, I have 3 kids and I really tried to do everything the same for them when I first had them so they didn’t feel like they missed out – however it’s IMPOSSIBLE!! I’m the oldest of 4 and I used to feel sorry for my middle and youngest sons for missing out on things etc. Till I realised that my middle son was quite happy to not have to do any other activities when he was little – he actually liked staying home. And then I talked to my sister (she’s the youngest) one day about my poor youngest and how hard it must be being the youngest, and she said how great it was being the youngest. She said everyone loved her and she got away with a lot! So I’ve revised all of that now and I have stopped feeling guilty as we are all in this family and all of us have to miss out on things from time to time but all of us are very lucky and can do a lot of what we want. Also, all kids need to do jobs and help around the house – why can’t it be helping your sister with her homework. I always preferred looking after my younger brother and sister to doing dishes!! And I agree about the comments below about birthdays – I only give the birthday kid presents – that’s their special day – we all get one once a year and the other kids don’t need presents on someone else’s birthday. Love your common sense Kate!
loading...