.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. If you want to make a midwife laugh, tell her your birth plan. I’ve always mocked birth plans, even before having a baby myself and most certainly afterwards. “They’re ridiculous!” I railed. “Waste of paper!” I chortled. “You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment!” I insisted. So imagine my surprise when I recently discovered that I did, in fact, have plans for each of my babies without even knowing it. Which was fine, until one birth didn’t go according to my non-plan and all hell broke loose.
The realisation I was a hypocrite – and worse - began a few weeks ago when I heard an ABC radio report on post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to a research team from Griffith University, 6% of Australian women go on to develop PTSD after giving birth and it’s often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed as post-natal depression. The two groups of women with the highest risk of developing PTSD were those who thought their birth would be fantastic and those who thought it would be horrific.The birth itself doesn’t have to have been medically dangerous or even complicated, what matters is the mother’s experience – something often framed by her expectations.Ka-ching, I heard softly.
I’d always thought birth plans were about candles, Norah Jones CDs and breathing and were sprinkled liberally with words like ‘natural’ and ‘active’. I thought they were about trying to control the uncontrollable, predict the unpredictable, shunning ‘intervention’ and using alternative methods of pain relief. Which is why it never occurred to me that I had a plan because I wasn’t interested in any of that. My plan for each of my 3 births consisted of one word: epidural. Surely that’s not detailed enough to be a plan?
It turns out a birth plan can simply mean your expectation of something -written or otherwise. And expectations, even if they’re unspoken, can be a very bad thing to take into a birth.
While women drive the birth plan bus, men are big fans, generally. This is because it sounds a lot like a set of instructions and how handy would that be when you find yourself in a room with a bunch of people clustered around your naked partner who seems to want something from you but who has replaced her speech with animal noises.
The idea of a birth plan also offers some written recourse in case your partner unexpectedly changes tack. “I know I said no (pant) drugs (grunt) but I neeeeeeed (gasp, pant, grooooaan) something NOW or I’m (moooooo) NOT DOING THIS!”
So what do you do now? Take her at her word and request an epidural or refer to the birth plan which specifically states If I ask for drugs, just help me focus on my breathing instead ?
And also? There was no mention in the plan of physical violence and what to do when your testicles are threatened. Help? Anyone?
My first birth went pretty much as expected: pain, epidural, birth. I’d been open to the possibility of a caesarean but it wasn’t necessary. I congratulated myself for not having a plan because I’d seen the angst suffered by women whose plans had ended up being derailed by complications or an unexpected need for pain relief.
My non-plan for my second birth was the same as the first: pain – probably excrutiating – and then the anaesthetist would give me an epidural and I would be so grateful I’d ask him to marry me and then the baby would be born*. The end. Good non-plan.
I know you’ll be shocked to hear it didn’t go that way. I certainly was. When no anaesthetist was available, I had to give birth without pain relief, something I’d never expected. Good luck to those who chose to but I was never among you. I like epidurals. Dammit, I bloody love them.
So let’s say I was a wee bit miffed, if by miffed you mean gob-smacked, indignant, furious, devastated and shattered -in that order.
Afterwards, when I was ranting to a friend about having to white-knuckle it with no drugs and she said “Do you at least feel a little bit smug?”, I responded instantly: “No, not smug, just bitter.”
In the days and weeks that followed, I had many PTSD symptoms, even though they were mild. Repeated flashbacks to the birth, insomnia and a strange emotional disconnect from the world and my baby. I clearly remember one afternoon when she was a few weeks old, sitting and looking into her face and feeling the first warm pangs of intense emotion. I called my husband and said “I’m totally in love with this baby” because suddenly, I was. It felt like waking up. Or thawing out.
I’m not going to end this column with any words of advice to future mothers because they get far too much of that as it is. I’ll just say this: the best laid plans……..
* Given that women in labour frequently propose to their anaesthetist, might be good career choice for single blokes. Wait.
Did you have a birth plan? Did you stick to it? Do you think you may have suffered (or are suffering) from PTSD?
Comments
360 Comments so far
My birth plan – surroung yourself with experts you trust to tell you what to do!
With my first I clearly hadn’t done this child birth thing before – so how the hell was I meant to know what I should / shouldn’t do. All went smoothly thanks to a calm and encouraging midwife and an OB arriving for the last push!
2nd… well that was quick (ie at home) – so had I written a birth plan it would have been a complete waste of time!
loading...
I think there is merit in having a birth plan – not so you can build up all these unrealistic expectations and set yourself up for disappointment, but so that at least the midwives and doctors can get an idea of what you want/hope for in your birth experience. It doesn’t have to be written down and it doesn’t have to be a novel. It can be as simple as “I want an epidural” but it doesn’t just have to deal with pain relief. It can deal with things you may not have even thought of, such as when your baby is born do you want to have skin to skin contact straight away. Who do you want to cut the cord, do you want to be told the sex (if you don’t already know) or discover it for yourself etc etc.
Each of my four births was different, and just right for me and bub at the time. I had epidurals for two and no drugs at all for two, and each birth was a special experience in it’s own right, and each time I had a birth plan of sorts that didn’t get shot to hell.
loading...
Ah Mia – this post could not be more timely for me at the moment!
I am due to give birth to my second child in 13 weeks and have been busy researching VBAC births quite intensely as I was rushed in for an emergency caesarian for the birth of my daughter who was also born premature. Being my first born I really didn’t know what to expect the first time around and didn’t really have a birth plan per se – although I am pretty sure it wouldn’t have included a premmie baby and c-section so it would have been pointless anyway!
I believe I was quite adversly affected by my first birth – not so much because things didn’t go according to my ‘plan’, I found it was probably more the after birth process which was more upsetting for me. Living in a small country town, my waters broke at 5am at 34 weeks. The hospital here does not cater for premature births so I was given drugs to slow/stop the labour (contractions were coming along nicely) so I could be flown to the nearest capital city by the Royal Flying Doctors Service (they are SO wonderful!) to give birth. On arrival, with my husband only just making it in time as he had to drive the distance, I was rushed in for an emergency caesarian as baby was breech.
After her birth, our daughter was rushed away as she could not breathe on her own and she was taken to another hospital which had a special Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit which could cater to her needs. I was not allowed to go with our baby (no room for me) and the next day we had to fight tooth and nail just to be discharged so we could be with our baby. When we got to the Neo-Natal Unit – we walked in and a nurse asked us which baby was ours. I was horrified when I couldn’t tell her, because I didn’t know what my baby even looked like – a whole day later. Of course we were directed to her by name, but found family members there already seeing her before we did! I bawled when I first saw her – all hooked up with wires and tubes and into machines, it was a shock to see her that way.
The month that followed in Intensive Care was hard – we were hundreds of kilometres away from home, I was recovering from a c-section but was asked to leave the hospital due to bed restrictions, cuddles and contact with our baby were few and far between, we had to leave hospital without our baby, Christmas Day was spent in hospital…
It took me a good two months to bond with my daughter. I think being separated from her for more than 24 hours after birth probably attributed to that. It certainly wasn’t a nice experience overall – and don’t get me wrong – I am so grateful for modern medicine, had it been 100 years ago out in a paddock like so many women before us had to do – it is very possible neither I, nor my daughter would have survived at all. But I did feel a bit cheated of missing out on a vaginal birth and having that amazing bonding experience straight up after birth, as well as the little things, like having a baby in the hospital room to show visitors, tubeless cuddles, breast feeding, and leaving the hospital with our baby.
I don’t think it really dawned on me until I got pregnant again how much my first birth experience had affected me. I was unable to be positive at all and was quite anxious about having the same experience again. I found myself in quite a bad place. To help combat this, I have hired a doula (who has been amazing!) and we are working towards more positive feelings and have put into place plans for my next birth – we’re aiming for a VBAC (and a full term baby!) – and hopefully it is something I can acheive this time around (but we’re also preparing for a c-section should one be needed too…) just in case. But with the support of my husband, doula, the midwives and my doctor I feel in a much better position for this birth than I did with my first, when I was blissfully unaware that not everything goes to plan!
Wow – I have really waffled on here – but I feel better for all my waffling, thanks Mia!
loading...
Good luck Dana! what a tough time you had with your first child, sounds really traumatising. Nothing would have prepared you for that. I truly hope that you get a lovely “boring” birth this time around which is, in the end, wonderful for you all!
loading...
Thank you so much for your kind words Kate.
It certainly was an experience I really wasn’t prepared for the first time around but we are keeping our fingers and toes crossed that this time it will be much less eventful. Unfortunately I don’t think I have much of a say in the matter – hopefully this baby isn’t as much of a drama queen (or king!) as its big sister! (Which she seems to have carried with her into her toddler-dom. 
loading...
There is a difference between preparing for birth and having a rigid birth plan. I gave birth four weeks ago. My birth plan was this simple : to bring my little girl into the world in a calm and peaceful way – regardless of whether the baby was delivered naturally, with forceps or by emergency c-section. To put this plan into action, I did a 2 day course in hypnobirthing and, for the three months leading up to the birth, listened to a 35 minute track of positive birth affirmations every night as I went to sleep. I will tell anyone who will listen how fabulous hypnobirthing is. I won’t rave about it here – just google “hypnobirthing” if you’re interested. Child birth does not have to be traumatic. PS I am not a hippy.
loading...
Im going to take that on board thank you Ally_Vanally.
Im expecting my third and Im embracing this pregnancy as it is likely to be my last
It sounds like your recent experience was quite a pleasant one.
Congratulations
loading...
I had a detailed birth plan that included phrases like ‘no drugs’, ‘no forceps’ and other ridiculous statements one only writes in the throes of blissful ignorance. My bag was packed with labour divices, my TENS machine hired, my active bith classes done.
Of course, I had an emergency c-section, which was the only thing not covered in my novel-length birth plan.
I was initially disappointed, but as it turns out, it was the very best thing as the cord was wrapped around my daughter’s neck twice and labour would have been a disaster.
Now, I believe that the baby comes the way it wants to and we need to stop applying our own judgements to the process!
loading...
After reading maybe a page of comments … officially, never, ever, no way in hell going to have a child. Yeeowch. Not that I particularly wanted them in the first place. But now even more.
loading...
That’s my birth plan – definately no children EVER!
childfree all the way
loading...
I do kind of agree with you there! I’m sitting tightly cross legged!
loading...
Mia,
I agree with you 100% When I was asked to make a birth plan before the birth of my first child, I thought let me get this straight, when I am in excruciating agony I’m going to be doing the massage, hot shower, bean bag and so forth? I DONT THINK SO. I said to the midwife I don’t want to suffer, NO PAIN! That’s all!
Unfortunately no one payed attention and I had an excruciating birth albeit 3 hours but still… I had horrific flash backs and nightmares all I could remember was the light and the clock in the theatre. It took me forever to get over it 4 years in fact.
So when I went into labour with my second child I demanded an epidural immediately and was told the anaesthetist was home (3 am) and it would take them 1/2 an hour to arrive to which I replied well you better get her here then because my last labour was 3 hours!
Eventually she arrived and thank god because in the end the baby got stuck and I had to have forceps and it was a 12 hour labour.
All I can say is the recovery is so much faster if you don’t suffer at least for me it was.
loading...
No birth plans with either of my first babes.
Well, there was somewhat of a plan, natural birth.
Everything else just happened as it did.
First time around I was young & wasn’t too fussed, which Im thankful for.
Second time around, my son was 9lb 6.5oz and he was born not breathing, big broad baby boy shoulders. The only birth plan I had for him was to get him out as quick as possible and as safely as possible.
Thankfully he was fine after some oxygen, but knowing I had no choice but to push him out *insert involuntary grunting and heaving noises here* is probably the reason why I did.
No intervention necessary.
I was fine after both labours & both births.
No PTSD for me.
However now after considering a birth plan for our third baby, I might just go with the flow like I did first time around.
Saves the stress of things not going to plan should it go belly up.
Great post Mia
loading...
My birth plan? Get the baby out. The end.
loading...
Don’t shoot me down in flames, but as a control freak, my birth plan for both children consisted of two words, not one – elective caesaerian. I had the total support of my husband and both births were joyous experiences with no negative connotations. or emotions attached.
loading...
I won’t shoot you down. I wish I had used those two words for my third baby. Did you have your own doctor? I wonder, does anyone know if you can get an elective caesar within the public system?
loading...
Mattie loves to read, nothing wrong with that!
My options were “do the normal labour thing, then be rushed up to have cysts removed and scar tissue removed etc and not see my baby for 24 hours or have a section”. I chose the section.
I told most people it wasn’t a choice because people go so freaking nuts about it, technically there was nothing stopping me labouring naturally.
loading...
Jessejane, I did have my own doctor. He was extremely supportive, but just to be clear, I was the one who wanted it, not him. I don’t know what the situation is within the public system.
loading...
I have also had 2 c-sections. The emergency one was horrible in every possible fashion… a true medical emergency
The elective one was great (great as it possibly could be given how nervous I was). I would even say it was gentle. And joyful – as I had my healthy little darling boy. I am due for another elective in 4 weeks time. I am grateful in many ways not to be having to deal with the uncertainties and worries of a vaginal birth. Not to mention the pain…
Mattie – I personally would never ever judge you for your choice of an elective C. Like most women, we are just muddling through, trying to do our best and being as brave as we can.
By the way, I have heard that an elective c is also what many women obstetricians choose.. more control over what happens.
loading...
I am very lucky to have had the same experience, three times. Three happy and (relatively) relaxed scheduled births. Three healthy babies – the most important bit. Then, back on my feet within in hours each time and quick recoveries. I give a big thumbs up to elective caesars.
loading...
I was the ultimate prepared mum-to-be, complete with detailed birth plan of preferences and DO NOT EVERS for the midwives to read.
When I gave my midwife at the hospital my folded birth plan, a small smile came to her lips and she placed the birthplan on a side table where it stayed for the remaining 28 hours I was in that room.
Since I was single and my mother was my support person (and my mother is the ultimate respecter of “authority”), I really didn’t have a lot of say in what went on, apart from periodically calling out NO EPIDURAL, NO FORCEPS, NO I DON”T WANT THAT.
I was induced and had a really strong labour from the start, which lasted the whole day with no dilation, so I was pretty much out of it. I was anti-drugs, but found the procedure of breathing in the gas when I had a contraction was so helpful (along with swinging my leg backwards and forwards???!!) that I hung on the gas hose the whole time. After 20 hours, I didn’t blanche when the doctor said I “must” have pethidine if I was to continue. Not that it made a big difference – apparently I just slept for the minute between contractions rather than lying there dazed.
That all sounds dreadful, but actually I felt really good about the birth because I realised when the contractions started coming that I just had to surrender to the whole process, and that extended to a bit of surrender to what the midwives and doctors advised. I didn’t have an epidural – the doctor listened to me on that and was lovely enough to tell me that he was really sorry I had to end up having a caesarian because I was coping so well with it all – but I did have the pethidine and the gas.
After the caesar I ended up with a whopping 4.4kg healthy girl, who screamed her lungs out, and I was completely fine.
I agree, expectations are all. I really believe that in surrendering to the process we can really find that amazing human strength that is within us and touching that is something that has stayed with me – and that I’ve needed! – in the years since then.
Write a birth plan, but make it your preferences not your list of control strategies, and remember that anything can happen and as long as you end up with your beautiful baby, it’s all fine.
loading...
Yes, I had a birth plan both times. The plan was – NO intervention.
What mattered to me is that I did it my way. I didn’t want to be one of the many women I knew who hoped for a natural birth and then came out of hospital believing that they and their babies would have died if it wasn’t for their marvelous obstetrician (yes, the maternal/infant mortality rate would be considerably higher without modern medicine, but the rate of unwanted interventions outstrips the real probability of life threatening complications many times over). It’s amazing how that short sentence “the baby may be experiencing distress’ sends labouring women into a tailspin.
So, yes, I went through a 36 hour labour, retained placenta, hemorrhage and post natal depression (the first time round. My second birth was lovely!) But however hard it was, it was my choice and I had control over the way I gave birth. The catch is, I had to give birth at home in order to ensure the autonomy I wanted so much. No, I’m not a fanatic, I had a fully qualified midwife in attendance throughout and I was prepared to go to hospital in the case of any complications that threatened the wellbeing of my baby. But it didn’t come to that and, despite the difficulties, my sense of achievement outweighed any negatives. I think this is the point. Women need to be supported to labour in the way they choose. It’s having the control ripped away from them (either by being denied medical assistance or having it prematurely foisted on them) that accounts for much of the trauma.
loading...
Nikola, I’d like to know where you got your stats from re: “the rate of unwanted interventions outstrips the real probability of life threatening complications many times over”.
I myself don’t have any official stats but I do believe the amount of women the world over who scream the phrase “JUST GET IT OUT” and beg for intervention would probably amount to a shitload.
loading...
I would just like to add that I do think the point you made in your last sentence is fairly spot on.
loading...
If you’re looking for stats on intervention rates, Homebirth Access has pretty much all the info. http://www.homebirthsydney.org.au/
Recent Maternal and Infant mortality rates in Australia are available from http://www.aihw.gov.au/index.cfm. Interestingly, mortality rates are HIGHER for C-section births than vaginal delivery….
Historical maternal and infant mortality rates available from many sources, but I like this paper: http://www.ajcn.org/cgi/content/full/72/1/241S.
It’s hard to compare mortality rates historically because there were so many contributing factors Post nataly that are not relevant today. Anyway, my main point was that it’s all to do with choice.
loading...
My sister is a midwife, and they generally try everything they can to stop intervention, either themselves or by obstetricians (whom they often despise). At the hospital she used to work at, the midwives kept a tally of births they looked after without intervention, and were all extremely proud of their records, and extremely pissed off when the obstetrician would swan in to a normal, healthy birth and decide to do something.
loading...
My plan? The safe delivery of a (hopefully) healthy baby! Surely that’s all that matters? I wasn’t looking for an “experience” … I felt so lucky to even be pregnant and having a baby I didn’t care how he arrived, as long as he did so safely and that he was healthy!
So I went in with no expectations or birth plan. Given I have a heart condition, my ObGyn strongly suggested an epidural, which I accepted. After getting to 9.5 cm dilation, my baby got stuck and I could hear my ObGyn on the phone to theatre telling them to bump people off the theatre list … he needed a theatre room and needed it “NOW!” and I found myself being raced to theatre for an emergency C-Section! All okay in the end, our baby arrived safely and was very healthy! Good result I’d say!!!!
My theory on Birth Plans is the same as Mia’s – you are setting yourself up for disappointment. How on earth can you plan for something that is totally out of anyone’s control????
loading...
At 40 weeks and 4 days, I’m going to stop reading now…..and tear up my birth plan!
loading...
Oh, how exciting, you’re going to meet your baby soon. Good luck xx
loading...
Sorry! Ps it is all worth it and every body has a different experience! Best of luck!
loading...
I’ve had 3 babies and three totally wonderful birth experiences. I wouldn’t change a single thing about either of them. Just remember for every scary story there is always a wonderfly uplifting positive one to even things out and I always ensure my pregnant friends hear the happy and positive stories as some people delight in sharing not so wonderful experiences.
loading...
Well my only plan, and instructions to my ob-gyn ( who was a wonderful lady) was just get us through it all safely. Don’t care what you have to do, I just want us both ok . And we were. Yes it took 17 and a bit hours but we got there
re the PTSD . Having lived with some one who is unfortunately very affected by this my initial reaction to PTSD after labor was to be a bit taken aback , but thinking about it, I had a fairly straightforward non complicated delivery. And you know what at times during it I had the distinct thought that giving birth might actually kill me. I was extremely polite to everyone because I thought that at any moment they might be called upon to save my life, and I didn’t want to piss anybody off ( crazy I know)!
Knowing far more about the theory of PTSD then I ever thought I would I get it- giving birth can be an instensely physical and mental experience the theory of PTSD is that it ocurres after a ” close” call or exposure to trauma. I think giving birth could definately have the potential to cause that kind of trauma .
loading...
After giving birth 4 times now I believe my body has finally worked out what suits it best. My first birth experience, at the age of 26, was a nightmare!!! My blood pressure rose at the end of my pregnancy and my obstetrician was going on holidays so he decided to take my baby out by elective ceasarian 3 days before my due date… I was given an epidural which didn’t take effect quick enough, so I was then knocked out and didn’t get to see my baby boy for around 3 hours. I was devastated!!! Even my Mum saw him before me… That experience scarred me for a long time, combined with my inability to breastfeed. I felt like a failure…
Since then I have gone on to have 3 natural births using gas, then pethidine when the pain got too much. My body has found these two combined work well and allow me to relax enough to give birth naturally not long after the pethidine kicks in. Sure there has still been stitches and a few hurdles along the way, but I have found being able to give birth naturally to be very satisfying and a great sense of achievement, afterwards!
Just listen to your body and do what feels right at the time, I say…
loading...
There’s absoluttely no point in having a birth plan if you don’t have a Plan B. And a Plan C, D and E as well.
Get information, not just from your doctor, but from the people who will make all the difference to your experiences – the midwives. Go to classes run by the people who work the birthing rooms, get practical advice based on what is routinely offered, not some wide-eyed wish list based on hope.
No matter what you have been told, you need to know that every pregnancy will be different. Every labour will be different again.
Go in with the expectation that each choice you make should try to be the one that minimises the intervention that follows. be prepared to throw your plans away if things change suddenly. Rely on Plan C instead if you have to.
Make sure your partner or support person is absolutely your number one advocate, someone who can speak on your behalf with all of your permissions or questions if you are incoherent.
Make sure there is a person (often the same one) who you can listen to without wanting to rip their head off. When you are pushing and they are counting into your ear at the critical time, you will want that, trust me. Usually it’s the same point where theirs is the only voice you want to listen to.
Birthing Centres are worth their collective weight in gold, I can not speak highly enough of them. Highly paid obstricians (sp?) are just as unreliable in a crisis (may not get there in time) as a public birthing suite. A doctor in a public hospital – I was a public patient – stayed with me for 20 hours I was in labour, but I realise I’m one of the lucky ones.
Breathing – really, really deep and fully focussed breathing – does work and is not taught enough in classes, nor encouraged enough in labour wards. It can make a huge difference not just to your stamina but to your state of well-being and clarity of thought. I didn’t believe it until I went through it but it genuinely works.
Epidurals – even two of them – don’t always work.
Yes it’s traumatic, yes it’s painful, yes it is out of your control. Is that going to define you? Is that how you’re going to re-call the events in years to come? Is that who you are, just one of many many hard-fought-for events in your life?
Sorry, it’s not like that. Pick yourself up, get on with the business of living. You have a beautiful, longed-for baby. You are blessed to live in one of the best countries in the world. Go home. You are alive. Get help if you need it, but above everything, keep moving forward and get back to the business of living. You owe it to your child.
loading...
LPC, you’re fabulous.
Re: your comment on deep, focused breathing?
It works. It is amazing. and when you concentrate on the pain that hard it seems to disappear
It did for me.
Yeah Im probably a weirdo, but seriously.
Hahahaha.
Great comment as always.
x
loading...
I went to pre-natal yoga today, and the teacher explained how to breathe and with which part of your chest to breathe for the parts of labour. Its a long way off for me, but I understood what she was saying. She also said, though, “Its easy for me to tell you all this, but its another thing when its each of you going through it and trying to think about it!”
loading...
Rather than a traditional birth plan, my midwife in NZ had a checklist of things, a printed standard sheet she discussed with you and you indicated how you felt about various issues. You could make notes on the bottom (I wrote ‘please no whale music’). This was for her whole team of four, any of whom I might have had on the day.
Frankly, I found I wasn’t out of my mind with pain during labour, just in pain. I had gas, and chatted between contractions about what might happen next. Calm.
My first son was born in his membranes after 5 hours of labour that I slept through. Whoops.
I really, really didn’t want an epidural – I didn’t want to drag the experience out for any longer than I had to.
loading...
I had a birth plan and it was open and non fixed on one idea, for me it meant my husband and I talked through our ideals and all eventualities. It included things like ‘I am so scared of being sick, please be aware when advising pain releif this is a big concern for me and if I am sick it will be a big deal for me.’
Also ‘I need a running commentary on how its progressing, I feel anxious with silence’ ( many women hate a running commentary and find it infuriating)
In otherwords it was more about informing the midwives of my character type and enabling them to care for me in a way that made my experience better. And I had 3 great experiences of care (which is not the same as 3 great births let me tell you). On that basis I think my birth plan was invaluable.
loading...
I didn’t really have a birth plan with my first, but my general expectation was a natural, drug-free birth in the birthing centre of a little country hospital. Tick. The only thing that was slightly off-course was that I had thought I might like a water-birth, but when the time came I couldn’t move, much less get across the corridor and into the bath.
My general expectation for my second was that it would be exactly like my first. Ha! My waters broke early one morning at 28 weeks. By lunchtime I was in a helicopter to Brisbane, leaving husband and 20 month old daughter (from whom I had never been separated) to follow in a four-hour drive. Thankfully I managed to keep Mr-now-almost-three in for another week and a half. Then one morning I told the ob I was feeling a bit off-colour and an hour later the nurse came in with “how soon can your husband be here, we need to get this baby out”. That afternoon an emergency c-section because he was sideways (baby, not husband).
The thing about babies – and especially premmie babies – is that you don’t have lot of time for self-reflection afterwards. So it was almost a full year later that I realised I was having PTSD symptoms. I’d lived with the flashbacks for so long I didn’t even think of them as flashbacks. When I finally did figure it out I made an appointment to talk it all through with a lovely family counsellor. That helped a lot – for a while the flashbacks disappeared altogether. Now I get them sporadically, but I do still get them. Which is odd.
loading...
I didn’t know your second baby was premmie Bowerbird. That sounds so scary.
loading...
Yeah, it was scary. And very difficult for a long time. But all is good now
loading...
Glad to hear. x
loading...
I guess even though I thought I didn’t have a plan, an epidural was definitely the thing I was hoping to have. And I did. It rocked.
My biggest fear in going through childbirth again is having to do it without pain relief. I blame the chapter in Mia’s book entitled ‘A Bitch Called Amy’ for this. Thank You Mia! Ha ha ha …
loading...
I was not allowed a birth plan by my obstetrician. It was actually being forbidden to have one that led to problems after the birth rather than things going wrong.
She refused to talk to me. Just said to be open to whatever happens. Well, of course I was open to things – I wanted my baby to survive! If that meant a ceasarian so be it. But she didn’t talk about ANYTHING.
I was pressured into an induction at 7 days past, when she had said all along that I could go to 10 days. She worked at the hospital on day 7 – day 10 would have been a Saturday. When I challenged her on this I was told “If you don’t do it it’s your fault if your baby dies”… what do you say to that?
Then when my baby was born he was placed on the bed, cord cut, towelled down before being handed to me. I had wanted to hold him immediately, but no one knew as it wasn’t discussed! I wanted to have skin to skin time and try to breastfeed as soon as possible, but the baby was taken away from me while I was trying to remove my bra (why that was still on I don’t know!) and he didn’t get returned until the OB had finished stitching up the episiotomy – which I also didn’t want or know was going to happen because NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT! I now have issues with the scar and most health professionals I speak to say that tearing is better – making me feel even worse. (The episiotomy may have been what was best for me, in my situation, rather than tearing, but not being able to talk about wanting to prevent one is what annoys me the most).
So I think birth plans actually DO have their place. In the end, without having one written down, I made it VERY clear to the midwife that I wanted a vaginal birth with no pain relief, and she was fabulous in making sure it happened. I feel really proud that I was able to do that, but I just wish that I had been able to talk with the person I paid thousands of dollars to about my expectations of the birth without being shut down.
If I had had that freedom in communication I would have had more trust in the OB than I did, and then – if it came down to having to have a ceasar I would probably have been more open to it. (I think that if it had happened that I had needed one I would have experienced very bad depression or PTSD after the birth as I would have been suspicious that I didn’t really need it as I had no trust in her at all because of her inability and unwillingness to speak with me throughout the pregnancy.)
loading...
Al,
How long ago was this? I’m hoping a while ago. Stupid doc though, what a pain.
loading...
Unfortunately it was this year. Will be going public with midwifery care next time!
loading...
so sorry for this awful experience – birthing mothers are not just inert patients, they should be part of (or leading) the team – your baby, your body, your choices!!! birth shouldnt be just something that happens “to you”. Im sorry your Ob didnt give you more respect and more choices. Scheduling a birth around her days off….hmm… not right!! Yes birth preferences can be a great way to communicate what you want (and that should be respected) but of course the medical staff need to be open to it! gld you had a trusty midwife around at least.
loading...
I did everything I could to have a natural drug free birth. I did a calm birth course on top of the hospital courses. Mum had had caesereans and had postnatal depression and I was sure I’d go down that path if I had interventions.
I had an emergency caeser and loved it. The atmosphere was wonderful. I had a beautiful daughter and I was elated! No issues with depression, no feelings of failure, no problem bonding to my daughter. It’s so hard to know how you are going to feel about it until afterwards.
loading...
Lovely. I am doing Calmbirth (can’t wait to do the course!) but this was a nice reminder that just doing a course won’t guarantee a natural birth. And that a Caesar isn’t the worst thing in the world! Thanks Karen
loading...
I made a decision with both pregnancies to go in with no plan – go with the flow. I think everyone has expectations of some shape or other, even subconsciously. I knew I didn’t want candles or music and I was open to drugs or intervention if necessary. I didn’t expect both babies to come so quickly that there was no time for drugs. I’m pretty proud of myself for doing without, but if I had the option, I know I would definitely be open to taking something, anything! It hurt. A lot.
It’s great to have the birth experience we want, and of course if we could all have one it would be a wonderful thing, but having babies just isn’t like that. Often things don’t go to plan and in many ways you have no control over the outcome. Going in with a rigid plan can set you up for disappointment (not always, of course – but often it does). I’ve had friends who have had pre-eclampsia, babies get stuck, babies not turn, days of labouring resulting in C-sections. One of my friends gave birth after 30 minutes of contractions. No one saw that coming!
Some of those girls went in with plans and walked away feeling really disappointed in themselves when things didn’t go the way they expected, which is a real shame, it takes away from what could otherwise be a really positive experience. One of my friends suffered from PTSD and anxiety over her second pregancy (which turned out to be a great birth).
Birth plans are certainly good in some respects – it’s not always easy to communicate what you would like when you’re in the middle of labour. I think as long as you go in knowing that things may not go as expected, then you’re far more likely to come out the other side feeling good about the whole thing.
Maybe they need to change the name from birth plan to birth preferences?
loading...
My only birth plan was no epidural because I was more scared of a needle in my spine than of my vagina ripping out a watermelon. Anything else, I was pretty easy going about….I used pethidine and gas and it did the trick for each birth.
loading...
That was my plan too. Then I was in so much pain that I had one anyway at just 4cm dilated. It was awesome. The thought of a needle in the spine still terrifies me, but the pain was much much worse than my fear. I’d do it agin too.
loading...
that was me too, although even with the epidural i said to the midwife that it was possible I would change my mind
I didn’t. I did use pethidine though for the first labour, 2nd time around was too quick for anything.
loading...
I love this article!
I had the same attitude as you Mia for my first – Pain-epidural-baby…I had emergency C-section thrown in at the end because my little boy has his fontenells fused but it was fine and I was open to it.
After 2 miscarriages and IVF I was having a Planned C-section. No problem. Until my little bundle came 5 weeks early and I remember my Ob/Gyn saying “so…do you want to have a go at pushing him out yourself, a prem will be easier and smaller if you want to have a go?”
I remember going into panic mode – WHAT? OUT THE FRONT, NOT THE SUN ROOF? Er…no thanks, just the spinal and cut me open instead, because that is what was PLANNED! Huh! The irony!
So it’s weird how in those moments what was planned feels safe regardless of what it is. The first time I was happy to push and push and do all the hard work but the second time, because it hadn’t been an option to the plan I freaked out!
Both my boys are happy and healthy and I agree with Maddie – Go in pregnant and come out with a healthy baby – no matter what it takes!
loading...
I’ve always been a firm believer that what you DO with the baby after it’s born is so much more important than how it comes into the world.
I don’t have the energy to write my two (long and complicated)birth stories other than to say the plans went to crap and the babies still came out anyway. The end.
loading...
Thank you, thank you, thank you Mia.
Reading the other women’s stories below (especially Rara’s) has been like therapy.
loading...
This story is a God-send.
No birth is fun but with my third, two years ago, it was a such a terrible experience that I have had a really hard time getting over it.
I have often wondered at times if it is PTSD and then think to myself, no people who have been through hell only get that, I had a baby. I think talking about it helps, and I have tried, but found that other women only want to “top” your experience with their own and aren’t really interested.
Here goes: Overdue baby induced.
Hours and hours of pushing at 10cms dia, unable to get baby out, midwives ignoring my pleas that I CAN’T DO IT!! I can feel myself and the baby slowly slipping away.Please someone listen to me. They don’t.
Doctor casually walks in later in the day, checks me and immediately knows I’m in trouble.
Doctor tries to turn baby from inside, but putting is hand INSIDE me, without any pain relief. He tries this twice. It was pure torture.
They get me up to theatre, prepare for c-sec. Can’t get the needle in my back cause I can’t stay still. Nurses treating me like a dog. The pain of trying to not push is incredible.
Finally get the needle in, frantic all around as blood pressure drops, forceps it is.
Baby is out, he’s purple, but him and me make it, thank God.
I think the most traumatic thing was the way the nurses treated me. The doctors were brilliant.
Thanks for letting me vent.
loading...
Oh you poor girl. You. poor. girl.
That is a terribly traumatic birth.
loading...
Jessejane, what a traumatic experience. It is entirely possible you have/are suffering PTSD, and I can completely understand that talking to women who aren’t really listening would not help. You really need someone to understand and acknowledge your story. Have you tried some kind of counsellor?
loading...
My experience was very similar – I know how awful it is when you know or feel what is happening and the nurses won’t listen to you.
loading...
I can’t remember where I read this but what it’s I think is the best birth – ‘Go in pregnant, come out with a healthy baby’.
Obviously my experiences (though not a bad birth) means the overriding thing to me is that you have a healthy baby that comes out alive. To me, putting a huge amount of focus on the birth isn’t really what this is about.
Having said that I do think it’s worth having a birth plan just so you’ve had the discussion with your husband and caregivers about your expectations and how you’d ideally see things go. But be prepared to throw it out the window when things change and realise there’s a good chance they will.
loading...
Ha, I thought I was the only one who felt cheated about not getting drugs the second time around!
I went in to my first birth experience with a FIVE-page birth plan (as encouraged by my doula, whom I did NOT employ the second time around) and more expectations than a room full of Oscar nominees. In the end I had a vacuum birth with no drugs.
Ouch.
Afterwards, I suffered PTSD (with no follow-up, support, diagnosis or treatment), and then following from that, PND (also with no counselling, support, diagnosis or treatment– yes I did attempt to get these things). Yay Tasmanian public health system!
My second birth plan was much shorter: “DRUGS PLEASE.”
Another crucial requirement, was that I wanted a different hospital, and a different state. Although I ended up giving birth without drugs again (!), it was a trauma-free birth, in a Victorian public hospital and I was fully supported this time, and had no distress following.
If I was going to have another… I’d say screw the frickin’ birth plan.
loading...
No plan the first time round, I am crap with plans. The second time round my plan will involve telling the crazy midwife where to go if she suggests taking a sleeping pill and getting some rest.
Never, I repeat, never take a sleeping pill in labor. It will not work and you will only feel as groggy as hell throughout the experience, which does not help at all.
loading...
WTF with the sleeping pills. They gave me one to. It was awful. As if u can sleep through labour!!
loading...
I slept through labour – with pethidine!
loading...
I projectile vomited on my mum twice on pethidine.
loading...
You are ALL scaring me. I NEVER want to give birth, ever.
loading...
I remember being asking my obs. about a birth plan. He said he generally didn’t expect his patients to have them as he generally knew what they would want. I made it pretty clear to him that I wasn’t intending to be brave and wanted pain relief as soon as I asked for it. I had heard that sometimes you might have to wait for your epidural until an anaesthetist was free. So as soon as my labour pains started getting pretty severe, (i’d been in the shower with my husband cranking up the gas for me by this stage) I suggested an epidural. Luckily my lovely anaesthetist was there and ready and so within 20 minutes I was lying back in pain free splendour.
Ten hours later after ‘failing to progress’ and with my baby starting to show signs of distress, I was caesared.
For number 2, my obs. suggested an elective caesarean which went ahead without any drama.
I have never felt that I took the easy option or regretted not opting for a drug free birth. I had two healthy babies and surely that is what matters?
loading...
Ditto to your story. Mine exactly. And two healthy babies.
loading...
I had no plan for my first. Really, absolutely none. I had absolutely no idea what I was in for so I decided to play it by ear, which turned out to be a good thing because my son was posterior which caused a shit load of pain and they had to push him back in after 3 hours of pushing and turn him around (thank god id had an epidural), give me an episiotomy and forcep him out of there, whereupon I haemorrhaged.
So for my second birth I had a birth plan that was identical to Mia’s. Epidural. NOW. Which thankfully I got. I dont think I would have coped without it because I was so adamant I was going to have one. (plus the pelvic separation was causing much more pain that one should ever be in. Did I mention im not having any more children?)
loading...
Oh gosh Felicety you poor thing, that sounds intense! I can see why you’d rather not go there again!
loading...
I had a very neatly written and very well thought out birth plan for my first. I kept it in my labour bag as a kind of reassurance that I had a plan so everything was going to be ok. The suprising thing was as soon as I went through the doors to the delivery suite in the labour ward a sense of peace washed over me and I knew then and there that I had no control over what was about to happen. This was very uncharacteristic for me as I can be a bit of a control freak at most times so the whole “lets go with the flow” aura that consumed me was if anything a relief because all my expectations were left at the door and I had complete faith in the midwives and my OB to help me deliver my baby. Luckily I had an easy (8 hour) birth and yes the epidural was heavenly. And whether my new found sense of peace had anything to do with it or not my advice to any pregnant women who mention they have a birth plan is not to take it too seriously. Sure, discuss your preferences for pain relief with your husband and doctor, but be prepared that not everything may go the way you or your doctor expects. Keep an open mind and be remember the perfect birth experience is a healthy baby
loading...
I can definitely see the value in not going into birth with a set of rigid expectations and demands because of the high likelihood of them all going out the window.
However I really don’t see anything wrong with women trying to avoid interventions like episiotomies which are in the majority of cases clinically unnecessary and fast becoming outdated anyway. If your dr or midwife gets annoyed at you for mentioning something like that and having done some research I think that’s a bit silly of them. Just maybe try and get your research from peer reviewed journals as well as the experiences of one lady from an internet forum.
loading...
Urgh I just realised my ‘lady from the internet’ sounds like I am making a snide dig at Mia, which was not my intention, I promise! Must proof read comments more carefully.
I just meant that following the dr google post, if you rely solely on the internet for information you may come to the conclusion that giving birth will cause cancer and you and your baby have 5 different rare conditions, each.
loading...
I’m laughing at my second child’s definition of clinically necessary – he had his fist by his head which would not turn, making the episiotomy very necessary.
loading...
Haha yes I agree, that is most definitely a case where an episiotomy is extremely necessary
loading...
Hi Mia,
I love this piece and would love to have the opportunity to include it in the pregnancy book I am currently working on….
loading...
I had a birth plan. It was more of a list of my preferences, than a plan and I discussed it with both my doctor and my husband.
It said things like: “please explain the medical reason for any internal examination, I prefer for my membranes to rupture naturally, I am open to gas and an epidural, but I do not want to be given pethidine, if it comes down to choice, I would prefer to tear over an episiotomy (sp?), my husband does not want to cut the cord, if I need a c section, I would prefere my husband to remain with the baby at all times if possible etc, etc.
Nothing too demanding, no expectations, just my pre-determined preferences to a range of possible situations. I also clearly stated at the begining of the plan that I understood that things change in actual labour and if our preferences cannot be entertained, please gently explain why – after all, we are totally new to this experience!
In the end, I had an active labour of only one hour. No time for birth plans – hell – I very nearly gave birth in the car!! The fact that they managed to get me into the delivery suite was a minor miracle and I gave birth standing up, next to the bed, still half dressed!
I am, however, still glad that I had my plan. I believe that it helped me mentally prepare for childbirth by clarifying that I had a range of options for a mulitude of possible situations (that is the very nature of giving birth) and as I couldn’t controll which one was going to apply to me, there was no point in worrying about it.
Result? No disapointment as there was no expectation (apart from the fact that it was going to bloody well hurt!!).
Best. Experience. Ever.
loading...
Our plan for our second (first was an emergency in which we knew our daughter would be taken straight to the resus room and then the NICU so we had no plan) included things like my husband was to stay with the baby if we were separated and if possible I wanted to BF in recovery (elective c-section) rather than things relating to the birth itself.
loading...
You guys talking about your husbands staying with the baby made me think of my sister. She is “scarred” from finding out that when she was born she was left “all on her little lonesome” for a bit after they checked her and went back to get my brother out. So now (she’s a midwife) she insists with twins that there is someone there to cuddle the first one while the second one is coming.
loading...
#1 No birth plan, assumed everything would work itself out, didn’t think there should be a problem. I figured that there would be a lot of pain but that women gave birth every day, so… Anyway, 15 hours, every drug possible and an emergency caesarian later, I had my baby. He was a cutie.
#2 No birth plan, except that I knew that I could not go through the first experience again. I was offered a caesarian but thought I’d give a vaginal birth another shot. I obviously hadn’t fully processed the first experience because I began to panic as soon as labour came on hard. Things progressed the same way as the first time except this time labour was so intense that I couldn’t lie still for the epidural so had an emergency caesarian under general anesthetic. This time I had a cute fat dumpling of a girl.
#3 I was advised to have an elective caesarian as there were dangers involved with my having a vaginal delivery after 2 caesarians. I probably would have given it another go but trusted my doctor, so booked myself in. Two weeks before I was due to go in I woke at 3am with no plans in place for my other 2 kids. By the time I had woken a friend to come over and my husband had driven me to hospital I got up on the bed and spat a baby out after a very short time of pushing. I did get a chance to scream at the doctor “you told me this was dangerous” which was good. No drugs, no nothing. Cute little baby girl though.
Interesting things about all this. With my first, I had NO DOUBT that my body would be able to deliver a baby. None. And I couldn’t. With my 3rd I completely accepted that I would have a caesarian and I had a vaginal birth. The thing I know is that it’s not just about me, it’s about me & a baby, and all of them are different. Having my 3rd the way I did dispelled any lingering doubts I had that it was somehow ‘my fault’ the way the first 2 births went. There was NOTHING I could have done to stop her coming out like that, and this helped me process that there was nothing different I could have done in the first two. It’s not all about positive self talk and a belief in yourself. Other interesting thing is that I love them all equally, it has nothing to do with how they were born.
loading...
Frankie, your point that birth is about a mother AND a baby is so insightful. How come they don’t tell you that beforehand (or did they and I just wasn’t listening)? And it doesn’t change after that either – only then its mother, baby, father, brothers, sisters……..
loading...
Someone said to me once, ‘you need to tell a story at least 7 times before you begin to heal’ – obviously not a boring story but relating a traumatic experience. I totally agree.
Someone below suggested having a mental health professional come and talk to you within the first few weeks of giving birth, such a great idea I think. A lot of the time you just need to talk it out, and then move on.
Having a traumatic birth experience is not, in the scheme of things, the most terrible thing that can happen. I am NOT belittling the terribleness of anyones experience. I am just saying that in life you really do have to move on from awful things, so some help in doing so earlier, would benefit and perhaps helps alleviate the intensity, so it doesn’t fester and become more important than it should be.
loading...
Wow: that’s actually really good advice, the seven times thing. From experience, I’m thinking it’s true, but I’d never thought about it like that.
loading...
Or maybe it was seven years to get over. My sone is 7 now and I am only just feeling ready to face birth again after a very traumatic experience the first time. I used to go into panic attack mode whenever I thought about his birth.
loading...
I had quite the birth plan for all three and it was everything you thought they were about Mia….natural, no drugs, music, water birthing (I got one of those in) ahhahahahah. And yeah I stuck to it, but I also had ‘will have a caesarian if all hell breaks loose’, so I felt open to intervention if the need arose. I stuck to all of them, the first one was in a normal birth suite, so I had at least 3 nurses come in to give me drugs and walk out with their jaws hitting the floor when I said no, that was the funniest part of the labour – except for also baptising a new young male Dr student into the wild of animal noises and full nudity! The last two births were in Birth Centres – and can I just say birth centres & midwives are AMAZING – huge thanks to Brisbane & Gold Coast Birth Centres. Both those births were awesome and calm, and fast. The last one was so fast I actually went into a bit of shock, had to convince my midwife to stop arranging paperwork because bubs head was well & truly crowned, and I wanted someone to catch the little porker!
They are not a waste of time, I encourage people to have a plan that encompasses a range of scenarious, so they don’t become rigid about the experience. I think rigidity really is the beginning of internalising all the non-met expectations and then that rigidity becomes trapped in the body and mind and we can’t let go. And DONT BE AFRAID, BE OPEN & RECEPTIVE- to everything about the birth process.
loading...
sorry this is Bejazzled, keep forgetting to check my name is in the little box
loading...
My ‘birth plan’ for my first child was a complete waste of time. I ended up having an epidural (which I swore I would NEVER do) and by the time my son was born, he was under so much stress, there were forceps involved and an obstetrician (not my own!) dressed in plastic overalls, knee length gloves and gumboots – my husband was horrified!
My second child I thought I was ready for anything! However, on the one hour drive back from the hospital after being sent home (Walk of Shame!) my waters broke and I literally JUST made it up to Birth Suite before my gorgeous girl was born. No pain relief, no obstetrician, just fantastic midwives who are worth their weight in gold!
Plan your birth sure, but be prepared for none of it to occur on the day!
loading...
‘Walk of Shame’ – lol
loading...
I didn’t have a conscious birth plan either, but I should have because there were some things that happened during my first birth 6 years ago that I’m still angry about.
Second birth, there was a plan, the OB and I discussed it from about week 25, agreed, proceeded and the whole thing was so much less traumatic. I didn’t write it down, but I guess he did because he was well across it all at the delivery and I didn’t have to remind him of anything. In fact, he even got up two midwives afterwards because they weren’t following the plan.
Pregnant ladies out there – think about what your expectations are for your birth and be aware of what is and isn’t ok with you! As Mia says, everyone has an idea of what will happen and just having the self-awareness of what that is for you is so important!!
loading...
When my obst asked me if I had a birth plan, I said no, only that I didn’t want to go past the due date and I was all about the drugs. I, like Mia, didn’t think that was a birth plan. But, like Mia, when I didn’t get an epidural I was angry, in denial and didn’t expect it to go that way. I still feel annoyed I didn’t get it. I’m going to stamp ‘give me an epidural’ on my forehead next time, so they don’t have any confusion!
loading...
My birth plan will be do whatever you need to get the baby out and me and both of us to be OK. I’m quite comfortable with drugs – something the size of, well, a baby coming out of something waaaaaaaaaay smaller? If I ask, dope me up!
loading...
Just remember you need one (epi) before 7 cm dialated. After they won’t give you one cause there may not be time to take effect/be inserted. You have one too early and it will slow down things big time. But do let the midwives know your intentions asap as some (in my experience) will try and talk you out of it and or delay calling for one. I found about 4cm is the stage in all 3 births where I was at the stage of not dealing so well with the pain so my advice is to keep an eye on how quick you dialate. And put your foot down if they try to tell you otherwise!!
loading...
Sorry it’s me Donna
loading...
Sorry it’s me Donna
loading...
I’m planning on having a doula with me for the birth so I will have someone to advocate for me. I’m also pretty good at kicking up a stink if I need to. I wouldn’t mess with me if I was pissed off.
Will be interesting though – when I had my ankles reconstructed, they kept writing me up for STRONG pain killers, and I said no. They were all pissed off as if I was being a pain in the arse, but it was Oxycontin and I saw what that did to my Nan when she used it with her cancer, and I didn’t want to start on it (bit of an addictive personality too). I wanted to see how bad the pain was before I needed to do something about it.
I booked my classes today at the hospital, and the chick asked me if I was Labour ward or birth centre, I just said “Wherever the drugs are available easiest!” LOL
Went to yoga today, it was excellent.
loading...
Yay for you! I really enjoyed pregnancy yoga. Especially the relaxing part at the end. Good for you for standing up for your self and I think a doula sounds like a really great idea. I never had one but have heard so many wonderful stories.
loading...
I had no birth plan, beyond the baby being born. It was a good thing, too, as my first was born by caesarean at 35 weeks. She was growth restricted and I had pre-eclampsia. They could have birthed her through my nose for all I cared in the week I festered in hospital. I blew up like a balloon and turned a charming shade of yellow, and all I wanted was for it to END!
My obstetrician (30 years experience) tells me I was his first patient to say they ‘enjoyed’ a caesarean.
loading...
And for Daughter #2, the obs said “I think we should do a caesar.” ME: “Okey dokey”
loading...
One of my friends was in labour for some ludicrous amount of time and she was begging for a caesarean. She was chanting “If in doubt, cut it out!” at them! She was in a lot of pain for a LOT of hours (over a day) before they OKed the caesar.
loading...
my birth plan? as stated to my ob:
“do whatever the hell you have to do, so that the baby/ies and I are safe and healthy. thats what i’m paying you for”
the end.
loading...
MIA! THANK-YOU X 1 BILLION!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much of what you wrote mirrors my experience! AND how I felt and still feel in SOME regards.
LONGGGGGG Story short…..
My “birth plan” (hate the term, but I did have one) was LITERALLY a piece of paper, (well about 10 pieces), one for everyone! that said “EPIDURAL ASAP”.
On the day, when I was bawling/moaning/dyinggggg in pain and knew my baby was nearly here I was REPETITIVELY told by the #$%^& of a midwife that “You’re NOT in labour sweetie. You’re in a little pain (A LITTLE F’IN PAIN?!?!) You’re a first time Mum, it’s normal, just breathe you’ll be ok.”
I kept telling her “I AMMMMM in labour, I am in freaking pain, I am dying GIVE – ME – MYYYYYYYYY – EPIDURAL”…..
It went on and on for about 3 hours – yep 3 – and finallyyyyyyyyyyyy she did an internal examination, looked me in the eye and said “SHIT – YOU’RE 10CM DILATED – you must’ve really been in pain that whole time – I’ll get the anaesthetist!”
NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
I was sooooooooooooooooo angry, disturbed, distraught, upset, humiliated, angry angry angry angry about it all! I did get drugs, but as anyone who’s had a baby knows, it’s not the pushing etc that hurts its the FREAKING CONTRACTIONS that get you from 1 – 10 cm dilated that kill – and I’d done that all without drugs…….(and here’s my key point)…..AGAINST MY WILL.
Afterwards when people said “oh well at least you must feel proud about not having the drugs” I FELT LIKE SMASHING THEM!
NO
NO
NO – I didn’t feel proud – I felt darn violated!
It’s literally the equivalent of a woman who wants to give birth WITH NO DRUGS having an epidural SLAMMED in her back against her will.
THANK GOD ABOVE that the moment I set eyes on my little girl all of the anger went away (temporarily). I was definitely able to not associate what I’d been through, with this being that was mine…..and I still am.
I (quite obviously!!!) am still VERY ANGRY about what happened to me – and although I definitely wouldn’t diagnose myself with PTSD I definitely cried lots anytime people asked about child birth etc for ages!
It also annoys me when people say “oh but you’d do it all again for her” – OF COURSE I WOULD YOU FOOLS! I’d jump in front of a landing 747 for her but THAT’S NOT THE POINT. As I said, I don’t associate what happened with her, it wasn’t a requirement that I suffered like all hell for her to get here!
Aaaaanyway, since I read the chapter on this in Mia’s book I had been wanting to write to her to say thanks for sharing your similar experience – and now I have the chance!
My “birth plan” for next time is to go to University, qualify as an anaesthetist myself so I KNOW FOR A FACT that I will get my Epidural ASAP!
loading...
One of my best friends had the same thing happen-the midwife not believing that she was in labour. Only her midwaife wasn’t “sweetie…”, her’s was more like “Get over yourself, it’s only going to get worse over the next 18 or so hours”.
L was losing it, the midwife checked, L thinks to prove that L was over-reacting and suddenly all hell broke loose, baby was born in the hospital room, not a birthing suite, without her exxy obstetrician (high risk pregnancy, premmie baby).
loading...
UNBELEIVABLE!!!! It’s so horrible!! I wouldt wish the pain I went through, against my will, on my worst enemy!
loading...
Wow, sounds like my %&^##&^midwife too. Patronizing *(&&%$. You would think after their experience with birthing that even first time mothers know their bodies.
They let me go 24 hours in full labor before I virtually had to take the damn midwife by the hair and scream into her face that I physically could not keep going and could she please look for a hoover somewhere to suck the little darling out of my vagina. Her response – “You can do it dear, just a few more pushes”. My response – “No I f%%$king can’t!” Sure enough the doc comes in and chastizes her for not calling him earlier as baby is in distress and needs to be sucked out and I was beginning to haemmorage.
As I said, even first time mums know their bodies.
loading...
What a stupid fool!! You POOR thing….. And the worst part is that your suffering was so unneccessary….. Makes me mad!!!
Some of the midwives were SOOOO amazing and I’m definitely not saying they are all like the ones we described but some are grrrrrrrrrr!
loading...
funny. and midwives are supposed to be more sensitive and in touch with their patients than Doctors?
loading...
Honestly – some of the midwives on the ward were SO SO LOVELY and SO professional and excellent at their job……UNFORTUNATELY all you need for a HELL experience is just ONE lousy one
loading...
My first birth plan was to give drug free a go, then escalate to gas, then an epidural if I couldn’t cope. I didn’t like what I’d researched about the after effects of Pethadine in the bub. First birth did not go to plan, exactly, there were emergency forceps and a wicked local anaesthetic. I suffered shock, shaking and getting cold. Perfectly normal, the midwife reassured.
I did relive the birth, as you do after you’ve suffered shock, but it was not a negative experience and helped with the bonding process. I was just so overawed by the majesty of giving birth. I can see how Mia’s birth was traumatic when she was expecting an epidural.
Baby number two, same birth plan. No hideous local, the birth was easier but not being stitched. I felt every hideous one….
Stress can be both a good and a bad thing. It can be creative as well as destructive. In my case, talking about the birth over and over with my ex was very bonding for us and for me to the baby.
In a perfect world, we would have a mental health person come and have a chat to you the next couple of days to see how everything was going. We’d save people a lot of heartache.
loading...
I had a a plan in my head of what I wanted, nothing written down and I only talked about it with my hubby as people scoffed at me when I told them I did not want drugs.
It actually all happened as I wanted to. Pain, more pain I managed the pain. I figured it was childbirth so of course it was going to be painful. Pushed and baby was born. Beautiful.
loading...