After the wine started flowing, so did the confessions.
In the suburban book club, buoyed by the intimacy of shared confidences amongst mothers in similar circumstances, the women started opening up about their private drinking habits. A glass of bubbles in the afternoon, a shot of amaretto in their mid-morning coffee, wine in the coffee mug while their kids’ friends came over to play after school.
None of these women actually thought they had a drinking problem, or that they drank too much, and none of their confessions involved more than a glass or two. The embarrassment for them was that they were drinking during the day, having a drink to dull the quiet roar of demanding children, or to break the monotony of a day punctured by piles of laundry and school pick ups.
They are not alone either, in turning to booze to take the edge off a demanding day.
So why the stigma?
None of this is a new phenomenon. In the 60s the Rolling Stones we singing about mummy’s little helper (although they were talking pills not booze). Today wine distributors are appealing directly to the harried mother, producing labels with ‘Mommy’s Time Out’ (‘A Mommy’s Time Out is a well deserved break’) and ‘Mommy Juice’ (‘So tuck your kids into bed, sit down and have a glass of Mommy Juice – because you deserve it!’). Some would suggest that choosing your wine based on its ‘mommy label’ may suggest a bigger problem than just the drinking.
Recently I was lightly admonished when I offered a glass of wine to a friend who popped over in the early afternoon, apparently before a ‘reasonable hour’ to be cracking open a bottle. I was embarrassed – not because she was surprised but because she’s the life of a party, able to make a serious dent in any cocktail menu while I’m making my way through my first drink. If a woman who can party till the wee small hours while I’m comatose on my couch was thinking it was a bit strange then perhaps I did have a problem.
Yet when I was working in a ‘real job’, one that involved wearing suits and a city commute, boozy lunches were par for the course, a way to cosy up to a client or celebrate an office victory. It was an important training ground for me to increase my alcohol tolerance up from being a one-glass-drunk to a three-glass-tipsy. Yet there is something about a mum drinking during the day that screams quiet desperation rather than working lunch.
So does a glass of pinot grigio during the day mean you have a problem? Or is it polishing off a whole bottle over dinner that is a sign you may need some help? Is it drinking every day that carries the stigma or just what time of day you do it? Or does using alcohol as a way to numb a racing mind means that it’s a problem, regardless of when in the day or how much you tipple?
If you’re worried you may be drinking too much you can check out the official Alcoholic Anonymous test
Mihal is a freelance writer from Melbourne living in the Netherlands. You can check out Mihal’s work here.
How much do you drink? What do you think about drinking during the day?
Comments
104 Comments so far
A friend of my mine who is in her 60s, when offered a glass of wine recently, declined saying “I’m trying not to drink much now, to make up for the amount I drank when my children were small.”
I think I might be going to have to go with the same strategy.
http://mummyateme.blogspot.com.au/
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I don’t drink at all, apart from the odd glass of sparkling at parties maybe a couple of times a year. I hate the taste of wine, beer and spirits. when I refuse alcohol people often just dont understand that I don’t drink. So much of our culture revolves around alcohol, celebrating, commiserating, birthdays, wakes, Friday night knock off, people leaving, arriving…..it’s endless.
I drank enough in my twenties to last me a lifetime, it’s just not for me any more.
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i found that it was having a cold drink in a pretty tall glass (wine glass) which was the pull for me
not the alcohol
so i swapped my 4pm chardy for a 4pm cranberry with ice/lime cordial with ice non alcoholic anything – but in a pretty glass
i felt the same ‘treat to myself’ factor as i used to with the wine, but i dropped a dress size and had waaaaay more energy/better skin
plus didnt somehow feel i was depriving myself of anything, even though i had taken the alcohol out of the equation
interesting psychology i think
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One word : moderation — in all that we do – some exercise some laughter some time out whether be it one wine or two ! Enjoy to relax – I love being a mum and I also know my boundaries !!
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I think the main issue, regardless of whether you’re a stay at home mum, office worker, prime minister of australia, is how often you might drink alone. Especially at home, where no one will see you. That would ring alarm bells to me more than having the odd one at any time of day in a social setting.
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what about those who live alone?
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Really surprised at the tone of many of the replies, so much for Aussies being a drinking culture!
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I love to drink. I love the first sip on a Friday afternoon. I love it at dinner. I love it until the wee hours of the morning.
But from Sunday to Thursday it’s like I forget alcohol exists. I can’t fathom having a drink on a Tuesday night. I wouldn’t even think to pour a glass.
Whether this makes me a binge drinker or an alcoholic or neither I have no idea.
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Alcohol has never been a part of my daily life, pre and post kids. Even as a child my parents didn’t drink regularly. Mum was allergic and Dad might’ve had the odd glass of red once or twice a week before dinner but that was it, and therefore I think it was never estabished within me as something you do on a regular basis.
I definitely drink for special nights out, hens, weddings and birthdays for sure but never during the week. It just doesn’t do it for me, and I could think of nothing worse than taking care of kids with a hangover which I seem to get more as I get older.
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am I a prude because I don’t approve of alcohol at children’s birthday parties?
Seriously how inappropriate to give three year old the impression that parties with alcohol are the norm.
really annoys me when adults turn up with alcohol to your 4 years olds party
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I’ve served the parents a glass of sparkling at my children’s birthday parties but have never had anybody turn up with alcohol. I think there is a line but I don’t think a glass of wine is inappropriate. Not everybody drinks to get drunk some of us love the taste of a glass of wine. My friends and I also drink a glass of wine over lunch sometimes and I don’t have a problem with a glass of wine in the afternoon. Obviously if it affected me badly or I couldn’t cope with my children I wouldn’t do it but I think alcohol in moderation is not harmful to me or my children.
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agreed, i like the idea of children growing up seeing alcohol used in moderation
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But at a childrens party? Is that the venue for alcohol? I’d say it’s not.
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As a mum of 3 who’s husband works nights and always has, I never drink at night when my husband is at work. I always feel that if something were to happen to my children, they became unwell or injured, or the house were on fire, I would want to have my full wits about me, to be able to drive, or call an ambulance or whatever.
Plus I always find that alcohol makes me slack off, and I can’t be bothered doing anything, let alone the dinner/bath/bed routine!
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Drinking every day is a problem. It is bad for your liver so at least try and have 2 days off a week and take some vitamin b1 supplements.
Let’s not pretend it is ok and let’s face it 2 glasses of wine can be 4 standard drinks depending on how much was poured.
Maybe if your feel like the bottle during the day it is time to go back to work- for your sanity and your kids might be better off having a day or two in child care if they are driving you to drink.
I kind of get if your totally losing it a drink may sooth you back to calm for a bit and if it isonly occasionally I see no Harm but if it is every day it may be time to schedule so time away from your children to recharge.
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How to tell if your an alcoholic – only have two drinks at any time for six months – no more. Excellent book called ‘Drinking A Love Story by Catherine Knapp – apologies if author name wrong.
My dad is an alcoholic and since becomming a mum three years ago – my previous early twenties bingeing turned into nightly half or more bottles of wine. Just had a trauma and I am determined to cope without alcohol. No wine till I am sleeping eating and feeling better. It is a big choice and a difficult one because I LOVE WINE – I could appreciate the sh$t out of it at a WEA course. I love the ritual of pouring into a glass at the end of a day. I love the warm relaxed feeling I get. I don’t want the anger or hangovers anymore.
Great topic – love this site.
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I don’t drink during the day when I know I have to drive, but on more than one occasion it has crossed my mind that I’m a better mother when I’ve had a glass of wine before the bed and bath routine then when I haven’t. I don’t want to be a bad role model for my kids in terms of drinking, but I also don’t think I’m doing them any good when I’m stressed out and on a short fuse by the end of the day..
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I’d love to have a glass to get me through but I’m frightened that I’d spiral!
So, I eat chocolate to reward myself and feel good. Lots of chocolate – like, obese amounts of it.
Whatever works?
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That was my first thought! I was a complete lightweight on alcohol consumption, even through uni days, pre-kids, and having been either pregnant or breastfeeding for the last several years (ack! when I put it like that…!!), I could count the number of standard drinks in the last 3 years on one hand (easily).
However, there are definitely, “Right! Chocolate! *Now*!” moments. Or chai tea. Is this psychologically the same thing? Oh well… part of me doesn’t like the idea of being reliant on any substance / ritual to cope – I’d rather deal with the issue head-on. Another part of me knows full-well that these little things often make all the difference in the moment! As long as I’m not using it to remain in full-on denial long-term…?
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Whether you’re a mum student worker wife or all the above..alcohol is a drug. a depressant and addictive
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I’m a drunk, but I don’t drink during the day. Once the sun goes down however the vampire comes out.
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I used to be a binge drinker. I might have only had one drink in a week or even fortnight but it would be a large amount of alcohol. I don’t have an “off” switch and It would occur me to go to bed before it would to stop drinking. I now have a 2 year old and i didn’t drink at all during my entire pregnancy and have only had a couple of big nights since. I am a virtual tea to totaler these days. I was prescribed panadine forte for pain when my daughter was about 4 months old and took them long after the pain had stopped (the doc gave me 5 repeats). It was like 2 pills = 1 bottle champers. Now I occasionally take a few neurofen plus when I need to space out. Sometimes I do need to space out. I am aware of my potential to take it too far so I limit myself. Mummy’s little secret…
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Please be careful with the nurofen plus.
My husband started on prescription pain kilers like you, then slowly but surely became addicted to N Plus.
They are terrible for your gut, and are very insidious.
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I’ve had similar problems with painkillers myself as a migraine sufferer
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I am dependent on pain killers for a chronic pain condition and there is always the temptation to take too many to get a buzz. This is a serious issue that is not often discussed in the public domain. I am not proud of my behaviour but I try to keep it in check.
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My grandfather was the town drunk and it really affected my mothers childhood- always poor and hungry. I think it affected my childhood too as my mum had such bad role models (I think she still did a good job).
When I was about 16 my mother my mother told me that she thought alcoholism was genetic and that I should always be exceptionally careful with alcohol. I am. I drink occasionally but rarely in front of my kids. I have a couple of drinks if we go out for dinner (once or twice a month) and do find I drink a bit more around Christmas and I love to let loose at weddings without the kids.
To me this is normal. I don’t think it is good to drink everyday or need a drink to unwind or help you get through the day. I think if you need to drink every night to unwind you should take more care about what is winding you up everyday.
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I was shocked over christmas how EASY it was to get in the habit of a 5pm bevvy. I was staying with my parents for 2 months, and tended to have 1 -2 glasses a night, probably 4 – 5 nights a week. I was always conscious of having my 2 alcohol free days! After uni break was over and I was back to ‘real life’ the first week or two, around 5 I would get an inkling of “Oh, I’d love a glass of wine right about now” but I don’t tend to keep alcohol in the house, so I never caved… if I was the type to keep wine around though, I can’t say I wouldn’t still be in the habit! I’m glad I nipped it in the bud.
However, ever since then I’ve been worried about my dad. He has his red wine every single night, probably 2-3 glasses. He never gets drunk, and insists “my Dr. told me to make sure I don’t stop drinking the red wine! It’s good for me!” – he won’t have a bar of me saying maybe his doctor meant 2 – 3 glasses a week, not a night! He even drank when he was on anti-biotics. It’s hard because I live in a different town, but I’ve promised myself next time I’m home I’ll just have to say something….
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This is really interesting. Both of my parents are like this. I’m always the same when I go back and visit them. Mum usually cracks open the champagne at 4.30-5 amd my father drinks close to a bottle a night. I don’t usually drink through the week at all, but I drink a lot through the weekends. I drink so much more frequently when I’m there and the fact that it is so normal and that it’s such a daily ritual is quite worrying. We’ve spoken to them about it and have been brushed off.
After coming back from my parents, I also feel like it could be SO easy to fall into the cycle of just ‘one or two’ every night but then it can spiral out so easily and you find yourself polishing off almost a bottle a night.
You should say something for sure. Even if they brush it off, or make excuses… at least you can say that you voiced your concern.
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my parents are exactly the same, I found it really easy to get into the habit myself
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Whinging is not taking part in a conversation relevant to the topic at hand. But I suppose I’m having a whinge about whiners now, and not commenting about the topic at hand. And sadly, there are always whiners around who want to draw the attention to themselves rather than offer something intrinsically linked to the discussion at hand, so I doubt it’ll ever stop! haha That’s me out of this one…
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I agree, I am so over reading people’s comments on here about being bored/annoyed/outraged at the topics on here. I don’t read all the articles on Mamamia because I quickly assess whether it’s for me or not. Some are and some aren’t. Sheesh, no need to whinge about it if you’re not interested in an article or find it ‘too frivolous’ or ‘done already’ by other media outlets. I’m overseas, as quite a few of Mamamia readers are, and I didn’t read the local Australian newspapers or magazines. Blimey.
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Slightly off topic, but I’m 22 and I don’t drink. I don’t purely because I don’t like the taste and I don’t like the effect on my body. I never try to talk anyone out of not drinking, I just quietly drink my orange juice.
But the amount of rude comments and sometimes straight out abuse I get from everyone else is astonishing. I’ve had everything from ‘friends’ saying ‘oh well you must be the most boring person in the world then’, to people yell at me when I’ve declined to drive (very drunk and spewing) them home, to people trying to spike my drink with vodka. (When I was driving!). I pretty much don’t go to bars because I know someone will say something to upset me.
Seriously, don’t drink for a night out and see what happens. It’s horrifying to see just how much drinking and getting drunk is part of our culture.
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That’s awful, I feel for you. I hope it will make you feel better to know that in years to come, when your friends are older, it might not be such an issue. I used to cop this (I’m a low drinker, not a non-drinker) but these days, late 20s with friends late 20s-early 30s, it’s a non-issue. Many women are pregnant, breastfeeding, not drinking for their health etc and it’s no longer really a point of interest to anyone else.
So hang in there!
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I am also 22. I find the same thing. I have dealt by ordering lemonade no one knows there’s nothing but lemonade in it though. This is how I dealt with it. I know you shouldn’t have to hide but sometimes avoiding situation are easier on you.
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Totally understand your situation. I totally gave up for about a year, and I could not believe peoples reactions to my not drinking! The worst ones were other mums from school, incredible. It got to a point that I just kept offering to be the driver as that was a more socially acceptable way of not drinking! People seemed to be offended that I wasn’t drinking, I still can’t quite figure it out. I was in no way judgemental, I gave up to give my hubby support when he gave up, not because I felt I drank too much…It was a very interesting reaction.
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I love being the driver! Can always remember who I spoke to and what they are doing with themselves. I feel like the conversations I have are more meaningful when sober at functions.
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I get the same when we go to the In-Law’s. If I don’t fancy a drink or I am driving if I turn down a drink I am being unsociable! It drives me insane, I call myself responsible!
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Thanks for the support, you’re totally right Flickster people do get offended if you’re not drinking. I’ve been invited to parties where the host can’t understand I won’t be drinking (‘I know you don’t drink, but you’ll drink at MY party, right’) or not understand that no drinking means just that, not just drinking but not getting drunk (‘Yeah but you’ll have a few right?’)
Strange thing is, I get the most reaction from people 40+ who seem to lose the ‘polite’ filter around me.
What I mainly don’t understand is that I am the one making a responsible and healthy choice for my body and I get punished for it. The drinking culture here is out of control and I think more of a public discussion should occur to make people aware of the affect alcohol has on the body and why they feel they need a drink to get through the day.
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I hear you on that one – i do love a drink myself but since having a child i drink alot less. drinking is so heavily ingrained into our culture though – last weekend we went to an afternoon birthday party bbq at a friends house- i was driving my son, husband and two friends there.
we were told kids were welcome, and as they have small kids themselves and several of their friends have kids i didnt think it would be a massive booze up – few quiet drinks with the bbq perhaps but nothing extreme – i was wrong.
There was beer skulling contests, tequila shots, drinking games and many smokers lighting up repeatedly while the kids played around them outside.
although i was driving a car full of people home – including my 16month old – i had tequila shots pushed into my hand, people trying to put beer cans to my mouth – another mother of two small boys who were both there giving me a huge guilt trip about how dissapointed she was in me for not drinking and how boring i was being, filling up shot glasses and giving them to me saying just do it, come on, u can just stay here.
i ended up spending most of the afternoon inside with my toddler because i didnt want him outside amongst the smoke and heavy drinking, and we made a fairly early exit. i felt terribly anti social (and was told that i was), but i was not comfortable with my son being exposed to all of that.
im the first to admit that in my younger days i loved a boozy party where everyone acted stupid, doing shots etc.
but the whole thing just felt so wrong – for me because there were young kids witnessing it all, i was uncomfortable. even worse when a 4 year old came up to me and said “im pretending my fairy bread is dipped in beer and im drunk now”. WTF!!!
it was getting messy and there was plenty of swearing and yelling aswell. we were told later that the party raged on well into the night so i was relieved that we had left when we did.
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I’m no wowser, but that’s seriously frightening.
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What I do on nights out that I’m not drinking is to order a soda with lime. It looks exactly the same as a vodka, lime and soda. Hopefully it’ll mean less abusive comments from your ‘friends’.
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I’ve put myself on alcohol fasts before, and honestly, my social life suffers a lot! Even though I do it to cope with illness I’ve found the easiest way to deal is lie – Make sure you always have a drink in your hand, and when people ask you reassure them “Oh yes this is a VODKA cranberry …. ” then leave early before people realise that you’re not getting drunk like the rest of them! It’s a shame that people can’t just respect each other’s choices – especially when you’re the one making a healthy choice!
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so sorry you get such negative responses. A lot of my friends don’t drink (usually because they take medication) and I enjoy their company because they are them, not what they do or don’t drink
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I wasted a lot of money in my twenties on drinking and often think about how dumb that was…. it’s easy for me from a different stage of life to applaud you, but I do… as well as your health (incredibly important and precious), you’re not wasting nearly as much money as your friends – alcohol is ridiculously expensive!!
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Pre or post kids I can’t drink during the day. I go to sleep in minutes! T he idea of a champagne breakfast makes me ill.
Can’t say I don’t reward myself once they are down for the night with a glass of bubbly or red. But no more than 2 and no more than 3 nights a week. That’s my rule.
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I have one drink around 4 pm a couple of times a week while the youngest is having a nap and the oldest is watching playschool. In no way do I believe I have a drinking problem. For me its just a little reward for almost making it through another day and to take the edge off before making dinner. I find it so much more satisfying than one after they’ve gone to bed. I don’t see anything wrong with it either.
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Oh my oh my, this topic has been on my mind lately. I’ve always enjoyed a drink or two but recently I’m starting to wonder if it’s becoming a habit. Well, not just a habit but a habit I would have trouble breaking. We moved about four months ago to a place typically known as a holiday destination because of it’s beautiful balmy weather. When we first got here we would go down the beach every night to watch the sunset and it would always be with a drink. Now, I’m so exhausted after a busy day’s work that we rarely make it to the beach after work…but I still have a drink. I have a 12 year old and my only real concern is how my drinking reflects in his young mind. I have a glass of wine and I never feel tipsy so I’m not concerned about my level of alertness. It’s just my health really, and how he sees a glass of wine as a daily thing for his mother. My mother drank a bottle of vodka every second or third night and got wasted and I hold no views on that- she did a great job drunk or sober. My sister doesn’t drink at all thanks to seeing mum drunk so often. I’m sure there will be backlash from other well meaning commenters about how I’m deluded by thinking a glass of wine a day is acceptable. I’m not saying it’s acceptable and I’m not saying it’s not. As long as parent’s aren’t doing something that affects their ability to effectively parent then I guess it’s their choice. I am fully aware that there are health issues to be concerned about and that I may be sending the ‘wrong message’ to my impressionable 12 year old. And I’m not defending my actions. It’s just interesting that this topic arises now, when I am seriously trying to determine if I have an actual problem! If I do, add it to the list because there are many things I wish I had the energy to change in my life!
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I don’t think one a day is a problem at all.
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Agreed. One is fine. See if you can go for a week without drinking. If you feel like you’re missing out and that you ‘need’ those daily glasses of wine… then perhaps you do need to re-evaluate the situation. Sorry if that’s judgey…
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I have VERY mixed feelings about this as I’ve just very recently gone from a sneaky glass at 3-4pm to cope with the kids, most days, to someone who rarely drinks any more. I think I WAS verging on a problem as I COULD.NOT. get through the day without at least a glass or two (which would then turn into 3 or 4). And I just jokingly passed it off as my little helper. After all, making a joke of it makes it ok – right?
Running up to Xmas I starting worrying I did have a problem and once I googled ‘alcoholism’…well I had to admit to myself that maybe I needed to sort my shit out. It really did get to the point that if something happened to one of the kids after 4pm I’d not be able to drive to the doctor. There was an article on here about a Mum that crashed her car with the kids in it and was drunk whether it was ok to ‘judge’ her. I realised I sympathised with that Mum Waaaay to much. Reality check.
This year has been a revelation. I joined up the 12 week body transformation that Michelle Bridges (Biggest Looser) runs and it has changed my life. I joined up because I wanted to LOOK better.
The result is I feel better and don’t NEED wine. I was carrying probably 5kg too much and I’m convinced most of that was from my cheeky glasses of wine.
Since Xmas I’ve lost 9kg plan to loose 2-3 more, toned up and now get up at 5.30am to get to the gym for 6am classes as my way of coping with motherhood. My goal was to loose 5kg and cut my drinking back to 3-4 nights a week. Well, I’ve lost 9kg and drink maybe once every week or two tops.
Looking back I was deluded. I DID have a problem. No calling it anything else. Once I started drinking during the day. Alone. It was the slippery slope. I can’t believe I only realise it now.
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Good for you!!! Fantastic how you have turned things around
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I hear you! I was drinking every day & started wanting a wine at 4pm, so I quit, about 3 months ago. I will still drink socially but not OTT. I feel soooo much better & so much more organised. I realised I was letting my kids down by not really being there.I dont NEED a wine every night anymore, although the first couple of weeks were tough, (my beautiful wine glasses have stopped calling my name) it is worth stopping.
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Thanks Sarah. You have inspired me.
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I used to have a glass or two, with my husband after work, every second night or so. Coming up to Xmas the frequency increased …too much work, too many get togethers, too busy and I realised that it was every night. Whatever, everyone one else was doing the same, right? Over Xmas there were the parties, the holidays etc it was the same – all very social but I realised that I was getting this funny little feeling about 5.30 – 6.30 if I was late getting my fix. After far too much over indulging I knew I had to do something, felt bloated and just couldn’t cope with the though of more food or drink. So, big breath, signed up for Fab Feb. Was terrified, thought I wouldn’t be able to cope – how would I get through the day, the get togethers, life? The result: after the first two weeks or so when the alcohol left the system it was easy and it continues to be easy, just had to break the routine. So, for any thinking they can’t break their little habit – be brave, you can. It’s not as hard as you think and you’ll feel better for it.
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Well done! Great to hear that you have turned it around and are feeling (and I bet) looking better! I’m sure your kids are better off too!
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Nice work, that’s inspiring!
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That’s fantastic!! It’s completely my story from about three years ago… part of what helped me was getting back to work, but there’s also good incentive from the weight loss!! I had blamed my extra weight on the pregnancy & breastfeeding & hormones, and had to admit the wine (NB not during breastfeeding) was probably my biggest barrier to weight loss…
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I’m working on a wine cut-back method at the moment. I can take or leave white wine, but once I’ve had a glass of red I find it hard to stop and will sometimes work my way up to four (eek) over an evening without even noticing. So now I don’t keep it in the house. If I want it, I have to go out and buy it. Laziness generally trumps alcohol cravings every time
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Hey, did you notice that ‘Yawn’ comment above (which you also commented on) got deleted? Was just about to agree with you on that one! Enough pointless negativity on the internet …
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No need to eek that comment about how many glasses you drink Lily I think we are all guilty of under saying how much we drink. Apparently doctors take what ever you tell them e.g I drink 2 glasses of wine per night and double it. I’m thinking most people who say they have 2 glasses actually have far more (myself included). Good for you for working out how to cut back.
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me too… if it’s in the house I eat it (chocolate) or drink it (wine)… if it’s not there, I generally don’t eat it or drink it!! I’m no good at denying myself something that’s right there in front of me!
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As I read this im enjoying an end of day wine. Had a terrible day, and not that it’s an excuse or reason to drink, but I’m not seeing a problem with it.
I don’t drink everyday, or even very often for that matter, but today, I wanted one, to sit down an watch tv an eat junk food, and reflect on the crappy work day that was.
Growing up, my mother was, and still is an alcoholic. Because of this I am extremely cautious of drinking around my daughter, and rarely ever drink.
However, as long as I am still alert enough to look after my child, and drive in an emergency, there is no issue in this household!
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I was having a glass or 2 every night until about 3 months ago when I decided to only drink on the weekend. The changes in my body are fantastic – my skin looks great, even after a late night I still look ok, no more puffiness and I reckon I’ve lost about 3 kg – I just look and feel better and slimmer.
My vanity will prevent me from going back to a daily drink (I still miss a glass with dinner)
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I don’t drink much as it is, but I would worry about my ability to effectively and safely parent if I had a drink before about dinner time. Think about it – would you trust your child’s daycare teacher if they had a quick drink at lunchtime? I wouldn’t.
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I’m a child of an alcoholic. I went from being a binge drinker to now rarely drinking, and then only having 1 or 2. I just can’t drink more than 2 in a sitting now because of the resulting headache. I like alcohol and don’t feel bad if I have a drink during the day, even when my kids are around. To me, it’s just a social thing. I think there’s a problem if it becomes a habit, or a crutch, or starts to affect your health or family.
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Ok so I am a wowser on this one – apologies
A culture of “fizzy Friday” is alive and well in our neighbourhood. I have mixed feelings about it. I totally get that even crappy wine can taste its glorious best as the sun sets on a hard working week, but what I don’t get is the example we are dangling in front of our children’s eyes.
As a group of mothers we will be collectively horrified and outraged in afew short years when children are have grown to start sneaking booze to parties. But we have shown them for many years on end that alcohol and “relaxation” go hand in hand.
I think if we are serious in wanting to stamp of an Aussie youth drinking culture we do need to consider a bigger picture.” Do as I say not as I do” is often a hard case to sell to influential teenage children.
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Agree. Especially do not like this culture of “have a drink and relax” for the parents whilst milling about at children’s birthday parties. I think there’s a balance here; fine for kids to see alcohol being used occasionally and responsibly but not brought out like some kind of social relaxant at every single opportunity.
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Good point, and well said.
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I see your point but I doubt many teenagers are looking to their parents as a guide to whether or not they should drink.
By the time they’re in their teens their biggest influences are their friends and their peer group generally, not their boring old parents!
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And where do you think their friends form their impressions of alcohol use?
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I disagree. I think if the parents have had a clearly-explained, consistent attitude to alcohol, this has huge potential to trump the vaguaries of peers who seem to make different decisions every week. Particularly if some of the earliest exposures to alcohol consumption in their peer group produce unpleasant feelings of confusion or mild disgust at the changes in their friends’ behaviour and attitudes.
I very clearly remember my cousins’ (twins) 18th birthday party when I was in my early teens. I saw my cousins, brother and friends drinking to excess, and was highly put off. I could suddenly very easily appreciate my Dad’s clear, consistent attitudes to monitoring your own alcohol consumption very carefully. This attitude carried through all my high school and uni years, where no amount of ‘come on, it’s fine, it’s cool’ could erase that image of kind, responsible people becoming loud, crass and reckless after a few drinks.
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Parents definitely set some example, but mostly teens will drink regardless (I drank as a teenager and my parents were teetotallers).
I don’t believe I’m a hypocrite for drinking when I do not allow my teen to drink (which is different to expecting them not to drink). I am an adult, and I am legally allowed to drink. They are not.
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I love to drink,that was until I found out I was pregnant.then I was completely sober. What I find weird now is at a dinner party while pregnant I was peer pressured to have a glass of wine. I didn’t but when did it become normal to pressure a pregnant women to drink just because they did.i now face the same problem being a mother. I made the choice to not drink at all when Im responsible for my son. Which is almost everyday
I don’t have an opinion on anyone elses choice.
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People often take your decision to do things differently as a silent condemnation of their choices.
Sad but true – and I think somewhat of a force behind the ‘mummy wars’. “If you choose to stay home you must think I’m a bad mother for working”, “If you chose a homebirth you must think I’m weak for going to hospital” etc. “So I’m going to put down your choice to validate my own”. Of COURSE this isn’t always the case, but seems to be sometimes.
Live and let live!
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“People often take your decision to do things differently as a silent condemnation of their choices.”
You’ve hit the nail on the head. Well said.
As for the issue of alcohol to help with the daily grind – I never drink alcohol while responsible for my children. I don’t really like the effect alcohol has on my body so when I do partake, it’s usually just one drink. I’ll happily be the designated driver for years to come. I think that, regardless of the amount you are drinking, if you are using alcohol to cope or to numb then it’s potentially a problem.
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Yesterday I was on a flight to the northern territory. I was offered at drink at 11 am and surprised myself by opting for a champagne. Then when lunch was served shortly after I downed two glasses of wine – all before midday and I was tipsy. It was a great escape from the kids, the stress of work and my racing mind. I don’t usually indulge in this way but I make no apologies for it.
I love a drink at anytime of the day or night.
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I’m with you Lil. Cheers!!
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There’s something very cringeworthy to me about the term “Mummy’s little helper”.
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I couldn’t drink in the middle of the day if I was the sole carer to our small children. No way. Even one glass makes me feel less alert.
I’m thankful that I can honestly say I’ve need felt that I ‘needed’ a drink. Of course I’ve ‘wanted’ one, because it would be nice with a meal, people were making a toast, there was a celebration etc.
I really enjoy a glass of red wine or champagne but can go months without ever having one.
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This is just how I feel. I admit it alarms me a little when people (friends) say they would find it “so hard” to go without a drink for months (like I’ve done when pregnant, early months of breastfeeding etc).
I can’t get my head around the idea of it being difficult to go without alcohol? Sure, I love a drink – the beautiful flavours and textures of great reds, Champagne, an interesting cocktail, an aged Scotch – but “need”? No way.
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Yep. When people were talking about the fact they were doing Feb Fast, my husband and I had a quiet laugh at ourselves. We would have gone through the whole month without a drink anyway without noticing.
Not having a go at people who did Feb Fast by the way. God no.
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My rule has always been not before 5pm. Unless I’m on holidays…I have been known to have a few glasses of champagne by the pool at 11am, but I justified that it was 5pm somewhere in the world…
I’ve just had 5 weeks alcohol free because I felt like I needed a break, 2 glasses of wine with dinner started to creep into 3, 4.. and I feel wonderful. I got through the school holidays and didnt even need a 5pm stress induced wine or 3.
I’m planning to stick to drinking only on Friday and Saturday nights now because it has made such a huge difference to how I feel. And my skin hasnt looked so good in ages.
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That’s my rule too!! I dont drink all week and I wait til after 5pm on Friday.
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My grandmother had a glass of port every day at 3pm. It was her restorative before dinner with six kids!
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Well, with six kids, I say fair enough too
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I rarely drink, and not usually around the kids because it makes me feel less alert and irritable.
I’s have to say that overall the Australian drinking culture is quite a problem. My husband doesn’t drink and he’s had trouble with this. People don’t understand that he just doesn’t, but he’s happy for you to. He’s extra happy if you get a lift home with him.
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I was talking to a work colleague about my mothers’ group and he quipped “well it’s not like you’re all sitting around drinking champers!”… which is exactly what we did do! For many of us it was the only drink we’d have all week, but for all of us it was “Friday knock off drinks” – a bubbly on a Friday afternoon.
The colleague was shocked – how could we drink and care for our tots! How irresponsible! When I asked him how it would be if our husbands were looking after the kids and had a beer, he blurted “well, that would be alright!” before running off in horrified embarrassment
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Sorry everyone, at the risk of looking like I’m totally spamming this thread (alcoholism is a total trigger topic for me) I’ll just post this piece I wrote on being the wife of an alcoholic. Then I’ll shut up.
Love Means Never Having To Say I’m Not The One Who’s The Alcoholic
http://www.johilder.com/?p=709
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Good on you Jo. What a great article, and life’s journey. Don’t like alcohol. Stole the best years of my dad from me. Now he’s having chemo and can’t drink. Feels like I have him back
. Al least for now!! Xx
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Thanks for sharing your blog Jo. I am daughter of an alcoholic and ex wife of a drug addict. Your post was a good perspective.
Thanks. Now I’m a new follower
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Great to meet you Michelle, I’ll look forward to seeing you around the blog!
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Firstly, it’s not just ‘mummy’s’ little helper! Plenty of non-mum’s get through an afternoon by looking forward to that glass of wine at the end of it… and not always in the company of others. Are single girls not allowed to enjoy a drink in front of the TV etc?
Obviously, there’s an issue if people are getting drunk – or even slightly drunk – but that’s not what the author refers to – she makes it clear it’s never more than a glass or two. A huge amount of business men do that every lunchtime… and then start up at home also.
I sometimes think as women we’re too hard on ourselves about indulging or treating ourselves in a way we enjoy. Why is a glass of wine so much worse than a tim tam? Think about how many women use chocolate, biscuits, fast food etc to get through the day. We work, look after others, excercise, be friends, wives, sisters, mothers etc – and therefore, I think we deserve a vice or two – as long as it’s not harmful to others.
Anyone that’s getting drunk around kids – major problem – there’s no dispute on that. But I don’t think we should ever make mothers feel guilty for a drink or two now and then. They’re still allowed to enjoy themselves, despite having children.
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l just wanted to gently point out that alcoholism had nothing to do with getting falling-over drunk. It has to do with needing alcohol every day to cope. Alcohol addiction isn’t that glass or two you have to wind down at the end of the day – it’s the bit you have you never tell anyone about, the smell of which you hide on your breath before you leave the house to pick the kids up, the one or two or three you pretend you didn’t have on the way home from work before you sit down with your partner and fake that it’s your first of the day. Its the half a bottle you find hidden at the back of the cupboard you don’t remember hiding there….
It’s not about condemning, or judgement or stigma – it’s about mindfulness, and about being aware alcoholism can happen to anyone.
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Totally agree with you Jo. It’s the level of ‘need’ that’s the true indicator of an issue, I think… I’m making a point that sometimes people beat themselves up over a ‘want’.
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And perhaps the author of this piece needs to do some research as to what constitutes alcohol abuse and alcohol dependancy. They are very different.
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I find it very alarming this author thinks the worst part of having an obvious alcohol dependancy is what others think about it.
My husband is an alcoholic. He drank every day for years, before it became a problem. And it became a problem. He ended up going to rehab, our marriage in tatters, our finances lost, our children detached and bitter. Thank God he was able to find himself again.
Alcoholics are not those staggering bums you see teetering through the park carrying paper bags. They are you and me. They are people with jobs and families and mortgages and holidays and cars and lives….and then they are something else before they even know whats happened. Alcohol addiction is a real problem in this country.
Drinking during the day, alone, to cope, is a sign. So is denial, and rationalisation.
I cannot believe this writer is so naive as to think the only problem with being an alcoholic is the perceived indignation of others.
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I have rules for myself which makes the line clear for me. No wine until the kids are in bed, and never if I potentially have to get in a car (eg, if I’m home alone and may need to leave in an emergency). That’s just my own personal way of keeping it under control, because I do like wine, and can easily see how it could help a monotonous day a little bit brighter. I also don’t keep it in the house unless I intend to drink it.
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Drinking during the day on ones own , would definately send alarm bells that this person is not coping! What really scares me is that these people then get in there cars and do the school pick up! This puts not only this persons children at risk but potentially others. I occasionally enjoy a glass of wine once my baby is asleep. I feel it is my responsibility to be alert as possible to care for my son.
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My mum had a drinking problem. She didn’t get drunk but she did drink every day. Not just because she enjoyed it, which she did, but because she needed to. she was numbing herself to issues from her past and 2 or 3 glasses of wine of an evening helped her to do that and helped her to cope with the rest of her life. When she stopped drinking she struggled to deal with her demons and it was a very difficult couple of years for all of us, but she did deal with them.
So, for me, drinking is a problem when you don’t drink because you enjoy it, or even because you want to, but because you need to do it. Not a one off – “i need a drink”, but a daily feeling of “i need a drink”. Quantity comes into it too though, if you’re finishing off a bottle a day or even several times a week, then there is definitely an issue that you need to deal with.
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We have a huge problem with this in the country town we’ve moved to. So much so, that most days when it’s time to pick up the kids from school, you can find a booze bus in the main street.
I don’t really care who’s drinking or when, but I do care if people are drinking by day and planning to get into a car later.
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I usually have a straight scotch every evening before dinner. I enjoy the ritual but I can live without it.
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A very well-written article, and interesting topic. Very hard to draw the line here as to what defines a problem…
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I think unfortunately people define “problem” as interference with regular life/functioning, so it’s easy to distance themselves from say, an alcoholic who clearly has a problem…
But very few people seem to associate that one glass of wine (which is probably poured with 2+ standard drinks in the glass) with elevating the risk of longer-term health consequences like say, developing cancer… is that problematic drinking?
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And of course studies show that a glass of wine a day can DECREASE your risk of heart disease. So let’s not place too much emphasis on the health *risks* of low/moderate drinking.
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