Glossy: here’s how I’m portrayed in the media
by MIA FREEDMAN
My wheels fell off this week. Nothing serious and yet still, I lost it. The wobbles began when I noticed I was feeling stressed, overwhelmed and guilty guilty guilty. Such a helpful emotion, guilt. You try to shake off its oppressive stench but it dulls your senses and makes it hard to plot your way towards the exit. Guilt is always the first sign I’m not coping. The second is when I start having conversations like this:
Me: “I don’t think I’m coping.”
Husband: [nodding while quickly arranging his face into an expression of neutral empathy]
Me: “You’re nodding! What? Don’t you think I’m coping?”
Him: “You said you’re not coping.”
Me: “But is it that obvious? Am I a hopeless mother? How long have you thought that I’m hopeless and not coping?”
….and here’s the real story. Scoffing Cornflakes in the shower FOR DINNER.
There are no winners in this kind of conversation. Just recriminations I fling about with gay abandon, mostly at myself but heck, get out of the way or you might become collateral damage.
The trigger for my lost wheels was the realisation that I work full-time but have part-time childcare. Well, duh. Work has increased dramatically this past year and yet I haven’t made changes at home. So suddenly I’m drowning not waving and absolutely not coping. I’m in the fortunate position of being able to afford more help so I should stop my indulgent whining and just dial-an-angel or something, right? Wrong. Because this:
Me: “My wheels are falling off.”
Girlfriend: “Babe, you need more help.”
Me: “But I want to be at home one day a week and pick up the kids from school. Except I can’t do everything.”
Her: “Of course you can’t, you goose! Get help!”
Me: “But I want to be the person who can cope.”
Her: “Do you realise how bonkers that sounds? Shut up.”
Bonkers, yes. If a girlfriend told me she felt guilty about getting help, I’d smack her upside her head. I think help is awesome – as much as you can, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional. EVERYONE, GET ALL OF THE HELP.
So why this block when it comes to my own life? Possibly, it’s The Good Mother Belief, the ingrained idea that a ‘good’ mother is always with her child. Obviously, because I work, I can’t be. And I wrestle with that sometimes. Especially when I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know whose needs to prioritise. The kids? Which one? Husband? Friends? Parents? Employees? This column? My website?
The question I’m most often asked is “how do you do it all?” and I’m always quick to reply: “I don’t”. I don’t do it all and I certainly don’t do it all well. Corners are always cut – sometimes brutally. People are always disappointed.
My kids’ disappointment is the hardest to swallow, even though logically I know that a degree of it is vital in building their resiliance. But I sting with shame and regret whenever I disappoint someone and I’ll go to stupid lengths to avoid it.
This often causes more problems. Like this week when I distractedly agreed to make my son a banana smoothie for breakfast even though we were crazy late. My husband was baffled. “Just say no. Cereal or toast, the end.” He’s right. I do it because of the guilt, trying to compensate for all my real or imagined sins.
My life can look pretty glossy from the outside. And yes, I’m lucky and grateful for everything I have. But that’s very different from perfect.
The media – particularly magazines – have always exploited the female fascination with the perfect. Perfect wardrobe, perfect skin, perfect meals, perfect body, perfect children, perfect relationship……it’s all bollocks. Nobody looks like that. Nobody lives like that. Nobody loves like that. We’re all flawed and life is messy and I think that’s infinitely more interesting even if it’s harder to convey in a quote or a photo.
My son turned four recently. This was his birthday cake. I did take it out of the Coles packaging. It cost $4.99. Plus candles.
The problem is when we unconsciously calibrate ourselves against this false idea of perfection, something women do a lot (me too) and which makes us feel inadequate. That’s why I think it’s a community service when we’re honest about our mistakes, our insecurities, our falling-off-wheels and our crazy.
In public, there aren’t many opportunities to show shades of grey. The nuances of a busy life lived imperfectly can be too
subtle. When time is short and attention spans shorter, people prefer a simpler narrative. Hero or villain. Legend or failure. Inspiration or disgrace. But we’re all so much more complex than those labels allow.
Being authentic is the opposite of Smoasting: Social Media Boasting. Among all the glamorous, witty updates in my
Facebook stream, a friend recently wrote something that made me laugh: “I’ve just flicked through some gorgeous holiday snaps of Facebook friends in Bali and Tuscany and New York and Rome and in the spirit of ’keeping it real’ on Facebook I just wanted share that I am about to take the three kids to the orthodontist and then go to the supermarket.”
Back at my house, keeping it real means trying to get a family of five out the door by 8am with bonus points awarded (to me) if nobody is crying or shouting as it slams behind us. Bonus points are elusive.
How do you keep a balance in your life? How much help do you have?
Comments
411 Comments so far
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Perfect! If it wasn’t so well written I could have written this. And in answer to your question, there is balance?
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Hi Mia
Great article! This reminded me so much of our life before we had an au pair. To cut a long story short, I had an international, travel every week job, my wife was at home on her own with 3 children 5, 3 and 1, and we had relocated interstate. She was going insane with no sleep, too many things to do, and trying to meet new friends.
I didn’t even know what an au pair was, and when my wife told me that they help with childcare, light housework, driving, cooking etc… and only cost $150-250 a week plus meals and a room in our home – I could not believe that we had not had one years ago..
Having an au pair made such a difference to our lives that I quit my corporate job and started our own au pair business – thebestaupair.com
I am not sure how many rooms your house has – given your 6th child is on the way (renovate the roof cavity?), but for those families that have a spare room – it really is a fantastic childcare option.
There are lots of au pair websites and agencies out there, and regardless if people use ours or not, having an au pair is a (positive) life and family changing experience.
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Just found this tonight, and I’m glad I did. I love reading your articles Mia – they’re from the heart and so honest. I read your book a couple of years ago and was really inspired by what you’ve achieved. My mother is incredibly smart and was climbing the corporate ladder when I was young. Now that I’ve got my own baby I understand what she was always saying about feeling guilty missing out on things. I always thought she was a brilliant mum (and wife to my lovely dad) and I’m sure your family will feel the same way.
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Thanks Casey. Feeling better this week. A few wheels back on at least….
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I just read this quote and I think it absolutely applies here:
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
- Steven Furtick
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It’s just a re-calibration going on. It’s good to have the clarity.
What is balance? We’re all just juggling to keep all the balls in the air.
I think the key is too take quiet time every day. Yesterday afternoon (this doesn’t happen every day) I quietly relaxed on the back couch with the last of the winter sun streaming in. It was all I need to feel good to go again.
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Years ago I went to a talk by Anne Deveson just before her book Resilience came out. It was being moderated (well) by Simon Longstaff from the St James Ethics Centre, and everything went swimmingly until she started talking about guilt. The almost exclusively female audience started nodding away in agreement, to the complete bemusement of the moderator. He genuinely could not understand why anyone who hadn’t done anything seriously wrong would feel guilty. Various audience members tried to explain to him the Guilts of never being all things to all people which most women live with all the time, and it was obvious that – as an intelligent bloke who is used to dealing in life’s grey areas – he didn’t even comprehend the abstract concept of why anyone felt guilt for the things they were describing (being impatient with your kids, not visiting your Mum enough, not being there for all your friends, etc).
Which is all a long-winded introduction to the advice I try to give myself when life spins out of whack: Man Up, Cady.
I sit down, take a deep breath, and then quickly without thinking about it, write down 3 things that I really know deep inside that I’m not going to do or not going to be able to do. Then look at them and think – are they important? If not, scribble them out and strike it firmly off your mental To Do list.
If they are important, there are 2 options:
1. (my personal favourite, but not everyone is in the position to be able to do this) Hand the problem to the Man (literally, on the piece of paper), and just tell him that you can’t do this one, can he sort out a solution. Works with everything from the pile of ironing taking over my headspace to sorting out family get-togethers. He is occasionally a bit startled, but blokes tend to just see things as a task rather than have to deal with all the attached guilt, so leave him with it and strike it off your mental To Do list. Sometimes my problems have just turned into a huge amorphous mess so I can no longer see the individual aspects of a problem, and asking someone to help you come up with 3 possible options for a child care/working hours disaster can distil the really practical problems so it helps me see it as something that can logically be worked through rather than just panicked about; or
2. Pretend you’re the bloke for the purpose of the exercise, write down the actual tasks as if you were a bloke and not an over-stressed woman-on-the-brink, make sure they are the first 3 things you do/ phone calls you make after you get the kids off to school the next day, and try to assume that it’s now complete and you don’t need to think about it again.
For ‘bloke’ you could substitute anyone clear-headed and task-oriented you know – sister, friend, colleague, whatever. Please don’t respond about gross gender stereotypes – in my case, most of the women I know are also juggling all these things so my ‘bloke’ option is actually male, but I know it’s not always the case.
And no, I can’t keep my life on track any better than anyone else – but this sometimes helps getting some practical things back on track when I can sense it going off the rails. Offered up in case it helps.
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Mia … dare I be bold and suggest that you write a follow-up article for next Sunday outlining how and in what ways you chose to resolve your situation? What measures did you take to put your wheels back on? Considering that many posts here indicate that there are people who don’t take your situation seriously at all, and that you have also been accused of writing your article as a PR exercise, a follow-up article could be just the right PR for you! I’d love to hear how you made adjustments so that you could cope better. And I don’t think getting away for a few days is the right solution – you always have to come home to the same thing anyway. Good luck and all.
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Would LOVE to read a follow up! Any tips on how to recalibrate after a meltdown are much appreciated..
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Mia,
quit complaining, my bloody hair fell out from the effects of chemo.
Hate that
take care.
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OMG!!! You dear sweet thing! Your post puts it all in perspective. You are forced to confront our two worst enemies – Brother Pride and Sister Vanity. I love you.
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Mia why bother writing a column like this if it is only the ones who pat you on the back and say ‘there, there” that you thank for their comments. Obviously you just want us all to say don’t worry, you’re doing a great job, we all feel like that sometimes and continue on doing what you want to do. Well I’m not. If you are choosing to put a website and business above the people in your life, reap the consequences and stop whingeing about it. My kids, friends, family will always come first with me and I have a job that actually helps people.
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I have replied to many comments on this post both positive and negative.
I’m not in the habit of thanking people who make false or insulting accusations about me.
And I’m not asking for your advice.
Cheers!
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Nice work Anon – what a load of sanctimonius crap, luckily I don’t moderate this page or your comment would be deleted.. Your work helps people.. As does this very fourm that Mia runs.. You spend time with people in your life.. Wow! Well done – is that when you are at your job helping people? Its all a juggle and sometimes you need a hug and sometimes you need a reminder to re-prioritise and make changes for the better.. Not once can I think of times you need vitriol and generalisations..
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Mummy Mel sorry for not agreeing with Mia and rankling the feathers of those who choose to. Just sayin’ that my kids and family come first, my work always fits in around them and I would never take on too much if it meant that was going to be affected. It’s all about choice (unless you financially have none) and I just tire of women who clearly take too much on then complain how stressed they are. What you call vitriol, I call an honest opinion.
Mia, I know you don’t need my advice like I know you have no intention of changing anything about your life.
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Anonymous, mind you don’t bump your head when you fall off that high horse of yours!
I don’t imagine Mia was asking for sympathy or approval – it’s likely she was just telling a personal story of how sometimes in life ‘it all comes unstuck’, which I’m sure many readers can relate to. It’s nice to know you’re not alone sometimes when life becomes a little messy!
Also, how rude (and self-important) of you to assume that Mia’s job doesn’t help people – I’ve read countless stories of women thanking Mia and her team for the support that has been available on this site for the past 5 years. Women (and men!) can share their stories, concerns, heartbreak, happiness and musings in a forum with like-minded people, creating an environment of inclusion and belonging. It’s an online community – something that Mia has created from the ground up – and look at it now!
Just because you may not see her job as helping people doesn’t mean it doesn’t.
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My ‘day of guilt’ began when I forgot it was the husbands birthday until 9am and had to leave a lame text message between work meetings. Then I had to take son to doctors and ‘gently encourage’ him to continue with the wart removal freezing process even though I could see it was really hurting (cruel to be kind?). Then I got home and realized I forgot to stop and pick up a birthday card. Fail!
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Ive been thinking alot about this today since reading your article earlier this morning. Ive decided that we women are just hard wired to feel guilty!
I dont have children, but I do have my own busy business & I feel guilty if i dont reply quickly enough to clients, or havent contacted them in a while.
I just cant help it!
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It’s a little bit sad that Mia has written a post like this and is receiving negative comments. From women.
Regardless of our work/home/children/life balance I think all women have moments like this. At times it feels like there’s 20 million things we should/ want/have to be doing.
I can totally relate to the promise of making a milkshake when there’s about a million other things that need to be done first!
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Make something fancy and it won’t be appreciated any more than your Woolies chocolate cake. Can relate to the guilt and not coping and i don’t even have kids!
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My Mum was a SAHM and baked for all our birthdays – we all preferred Sara Lee cheesecake though and would ask for them instead!
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I think that Woolies chocolate cake looks pretty bloody yummy!
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At 28 weeks pregnant, with a 17 month old and a 4 year old, a job, a part time law degree and a nice bout of tonsillitis, this article is exactly what I needed this morning. I was inspired to start looking up cleaners in my area, and, dammit, I’m going to call one and get some help.
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Hi Mia, I just want to add my thanks for your post. That whole balancing act is so hard, and it’s a great help just hear I’m not alone with struggling work and family. I agree that work is crucial if that’s part of your being – to take that away would remove what makes you tick. I’d like to think (under the layers of my own motherly guilt) that it’s quality not quantity. Pass on that spark of yours to them – inspire them! – and that’s a job well done.
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Kids or no kids – everyone should read this post – http://www.theconversation.tv/truth-wisdom/i-am-not-an-adult/
No one’s life is perfect, yet everyone makes out theirs is which only contributes to the pressure of trying to have it all together all the time. If people were more honest (and thanks Mia for your honesty!!) and less competitive with each other we would all feel way less pressure to be so perfect.
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I realise this post is largely about motherhood, but kids, no kids – most people go through the feeling their wheels are falling off. There is such enormous pressure to be perfect because we all think that everyone around us has it so ‘together’.
Recently I was feeling like my wheels were completely coming off and then I read this piece a friend of mine wrote – http://www.theconversation.tv/truth-wisdom/i-am-not-an-adult/
and I realized that I am not alone (and what a relief!!!). People like to make out they have it all together – especially on Facebook – even when they don’t. There is this constant fear that we are failures if we aren’t married to partners with successful careers, with kids who are brilliant; failures if we, ourselves, aren’t at a certain level in our careers by a certain age. But how boring would life be if we were all 30 and had ‘perfect’ lives?
I recently made a massive change in my life – changed careers and countries. I’ve had to take several steps back (entry level salary, living with a flatmate again, eating toast for dinner etc) and am no where near where I thought I would be at age 33. For the first 6 months I was a mess – constantly questioning my decisions, but I have finally learned to take each day as it comes, take a deep breath and enjoy life. And if the wheels fall off, well, then I just screw them back on again.
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Wow, now I feel guilty for NOT trying to do it all. It’s almost like a competition between mothers, “look how much I try and do, I’m such a martyr”. Just stop and enjoy what you have. Your not dying from Malnutrition in a refugee camp in Africa
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A feminist fantasy:
Me: I don’t think I’m coping.
Husband: [Embracing me lovingly]
Me: You agree that I’m not coping. I’m a failure, aren’t I?
Husband: No you are not. I’m afraid that I must take most of the blame this month. I’ve been taking advantage of your maternal instincts and guilt. I’ve let you take on the full burden of childcare and housework. You are in charge of everything – from making breakfast to organising birthday parties – I’ve been taking too much of a back seat and it’s wrong and lazy of me.
Me: [Embracing husband]
Husband: But that’s just talk. Let’s make this real. From now on, I’m in charge of breakfast. You stay upstairs and I’ll get everything sorted with the kids. And don’t worry, I’ll tell Youngest that I’ll make him a banana smoothie every Saturday, just not weekdays. Then – Middle’s birthday is coming up – you don’t think about it – I’m in charge of organising everything.
Me: I love you so much.
Husband: One last thing. You know that photo I took of you that day when you were so busy and tired that you actually ate Corn Flakes in the shower FOR DINNER? And we thought it would make a funny and poignant reminder to your readers that no woman is perfect? Well, I will never ever let you get so tired and overworked again. Ever. Every Sunday I will cook a huge batch of bolognaise and freeze it in meal-size portions. Next time you come home late and tired and starving I will serve you spag bol IN THE BATH.
Me: You’re amazing.
Husband: No. You are.
THE HAPPY END
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hey mia… have to say i love this post. i have been veering away from the site lately. dont know why, but it just hasnt been connecting with me the way it use to. but posts like this are awesome.
all the best finding YOUR balance
xx
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I have 4 children, the older ones now in their 20′s. When they were all at home people would say “I don’t know how you do it! 4 children, working full time…” I would say “I just do everything badly”. They thought I was joking!! I wasn’t.
Thank you for being honest Mia. We need more articles like this.
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Firstly, you are a hard working, dedicated mother, you will and do inspire your children to work and to achieve things in life. You may miss something that seems important at the time but the reality is, the most important thing is who your children become, not what you have been there to see. They will be shaped by your views, your hard work, your dedication and your love. You don’t need to feel guilty about anything. You do, maybe, need some more help if your child are arrangements are causing you more stress rather than making life easier!!
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Mia, you’re a star. Keep on keeping on. Your humour & honesty help me more regularly than you can know, and hell I’m 28 with no kids, not even a dog. Wishing you a little piece of contentment for today xx
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You’re never going to please everyone with your writing Mia (I think you already know that:)) and yeah the comments probably hurt sometimes but you continue to write your truth.
You are allowed to have the feelings you do and shouldn’t need to apologise
for your life.
I understand guilt (think it should be my middle name!) and no one is immune from it. We’re all trying to do our best.
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Mia,
absolutely loved this post – laughed when I saw the comment and the photo of the birthday cake, it was just so real! I am sure that the love that went with it was just as important as any fancy home made or elaborate cake could be.
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Thanks Gail!
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Guilt is felt when you are doing one thing, but know you should be doing another. Follow that instinct.
My Mum died last week and in planning her funeral service, never was her work brought up. Instead, our memories of her as a mother, the times we shared and how she was always there for us, putting us first, were at the forefront. Work and career does not go on a headstone, even for the most famous or accomplished. You are defined by the love others have for you and what you were to them. That’s where most of your energy should be going because no one (of importance) remembers the other stuff. If you do put a high priority on work, you are reducing the number of stories for your children to tell of you, especially if you are never ‘there’. People matter. Egos, career, money, material things disappear into thin air. You know it’s true.
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Lady, you are not a hopeless mother (to answer the rhetorical question you posed in the Sunday Times Magazine). Instead, you are an extremely fortunate person who has managed to:
a) make a living by blabbering on inanely about issues that are easily handled by the vast majority of modern couples (I have a three-year old, and no grandparents or help to lend a hand, so I should know); and
b) grab a husband who doesn’t mind being quoted on fairly personal matters (e.g. his response to your unfounded panic attacks, what the kids will have for breakfast etc.); kudos for his courage and patience.
Please consider these blessings before asking your readership to boost your self-esteem by acknowledging yet again what an awesome job you are doing as an Agony Aunt-cum-mother-cum-wife…
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How rude!! I don’t know why you think it’s appropriate to speak so disrespectfully about Mia’s job or relationship (yes, her poor, poor husband, having to put up with her). Rather than telling her to count her blessings, why don’t you go and count your own, in the hopes it puts you in a more positive mood.
Also Mia hasn’t just “managed to” do those things, like they fell in her lap. She’s worked bloody hard to get her job and relationship. And the whole point of this article was to acknowledge that she, like other women, struggles at times to do it all – not an exercise in fishing for complements. Take your attitude elsewhere please.
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great timing with this post Mia.
i’ve got the guilts – big time. I’m trying to be a mum, and a wife, and year 12 english teacher. My priority is my family – no doubt. But those school kids are eating away at my soul. I work part time, yet am about to be ‘talked to’ because I didn’t get a practice essay back to a kid in time. He emailed it Tuesday night. I returned it Thursday. I don’t work Wednesday or Thursday. Yet i feel bad.
I have no idea how I’m going to survive the next 11 weeks. But I never want to do this again. I never want the guilt from my job to affect my family – especially when a) I’m not the primary bread winner b) I can be earning the same money teaching Year 7.
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Hugs xx
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Incidentally, the Coles birthday cake was actually from Woolies.
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Mia, thanks for this article and keeping it real. It took me 3 hours to do a bit of cleaning today with a baby who has just started rolling and cries every 30 seconds when he rolls over and gets stuck with his face in the floor.
I marvel at how you always manage to look so chic and wonder how other mums manage to go shopping and find the time and energy to look great. Just the thought of putting on make-up exhausts me and I can’t yet fit into my old jeans, so I haven’t been shopping.
My husband told me to get a cleaner – I don’t want to get a cleaner as I feel that I should be able to manage. I managed when I was working full-time, so shouldn’t I be able to manage being at home 24/7? I feel like I should be able to cope doing it all.
I’m eating dinner as I catch up on my MM reading and wonder why I cooked as husband is out of town. Having cereal or tomato on toast for dinner tomorrow!
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The problem I find is that my tipping point is forever changing. What I could handle this time last year for instance, has completely changed now. Recently I have been working 5 days a week due to my workmate going on honeymoon. During those three weeks I have missed awards days, missed picking up my daughter from camp and my children have audibly sighed when being told that yes, they did have to go after school care *again*. My husband is making dinner 5 nights a week, cleaning, cooking and basically doing everything I am too stuffed to do when I get home at 7pm. We’ve always shared but lately I feel like he’s doing double duty. And it’s not fair. I want us to find fair again. I have made the conscious decision that things are going to change. I’m not happy, they are not happy. I need to change for all of us. I love to work. I love being a mum. I’ve just got to find the place where those two meet happily once again.
Mia, you are tops. Keep on keeping on.
Bern x
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Thank God for you Mia, I love that you enable me to feel confident to share my not so perfect messy and deliciously wonderful life with my friends and colleagues. This morning I shared a long laugh and conversation about how perfectly acceptable cereal is a dinner with a very pregnant workmate whose last precious baby was born asleep just 12 months ago. We laughed a great deep hearty belly laugh for the first time in more than a year and we felt great knowing that it’s really ok not to be perfect. Thanks Mia, you are brilliant.
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Having read through many of the comment boxes I’m surprised that no woman has brought up the role her husband/partner can/could play in helping her cope, whatever the scenario.
My husband has put the wheels back on for me (as I do for him when he needs help). But it’s always hard work, especially when all eight wheels fall off at the same time! Perhaps that is what we are really talking about, between the lines.
This is life. No easy answers. Every woman and man is different, with a unique personality, talents, needs and family.
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You’re right
What’s the saying?
“Only women bleed.”….
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Great post Mia! Thanks for creating this space where women (especially mums!) can come, have a laugh & get support. I read your book ‘Mamamia’ & cried then laughed in the space of 5 mins. Being a new mum myself I was confused at why other mums never really tell the full story. After reading posts by such open women prepared to bare all, I now know that it takes a great mother to reveal their flaws in the hope others can evolve & revel in their new roles. Thanks for ur style, I can only hope I can be be as inspiring to those around me as u r to new mums everywhere.
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Thanks Danielle…..xx
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Hi Mia, I love that you are not afraid to be ‘real” and say that you are not superwoman.It would be easy for someone in the public eye to want to keep up appearances and pretend like your life is all sunshine and roses.
This is not a criticism at all but have you ever stopped and thought about why you want to keep “doing more”
Have you ever examined why you have a drive to take on so many things all at once?
I am not talking about being ambitious, more about the constant drive to want to create more. This is not by any means a sexist comment either. I am always curious as to what drives anyone, male or female to continue to do more and more and if they ever stop and appreciate what they have already created and enjoy that without always just looking for the next thing.
Do you think that for some personality types they are never totally satisfied with what they have and they always have to look for the next ‘hit”
Do you ever stop and think that you have made sacrifices in other areas of your life to pursue the next idea?
Do you have any regrets as yet?
Again, this is not a criticism of you, I am genuinely curious as to what drives some people.
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I get what you mean. A successful website would be enough for some people let alone a TV show, a radio show, speaking engagements, TV appearances, books etc
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Hey Jackson,
Great question! You should be my therapist and I’m not kidding.
It should be pointed out that there are two people involved in driving Mamamia – me and my husband.
So sometimes expansion is our idea (our e-commerce site) and sometimes it comes to us (the radio show etc). You don’t always get to choose when you do something to grow your business. For us, because we have staff whose wages must be paid – and we’re ambitious and want Mamamia to grow – we have to expand and grow.
With a business, it’s very hard to stand still even if you want to!
I am much more small picture than Jason. We’re ambitious in different ways.
But the things I do are also interesting and enjoyable to me. Mostly. Sometimes they just creep up and I realise I need to make some changes to other parts in my life to redress the balance.
Does that make sense?
But yes. I do have a complicated relationship with my drive to ‘do more’. Oh! One more thing.
I am totally a goldfish. I have a very bad ability when I take something on, to appreciate the consequences. Jason is better than that.
I over-commit. Dumb.
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Mia – you’ll probably not remember but you once said to me (via one of your live chats) that women always over-commit and over-promise then can’t deliver. A pearl of wisdom from youself
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One of my brothers got a barbecued sausage with candles in it for his third birthday.. I think the wheels were off but we / he loved it and it provides us with lots of lols now!
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Hahahaha!
Classic – I might use this if I’m desperate
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There’s nothing better than a chocolate mud-cake from Coles/Woolies, apart from maybe 2 chocolate mud-cakes …
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Thanks for this post Mia – got half way through and texted my babysitter to help out one afternoon this week. Not kidding myself anymore I can cope with my workload this week.
THANKS!!!!!
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Oh yay! I’m so glad you did that!
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The wheels fell off, literally, last week. My 7yo pram that has travelled, oh, so many kilometers broke. So I drove the kids in to school (something that is reserved for only very rainy weather), went to the mall on the way to the office to grab a coffee, and as I was driving away, some (insert rude word) person pulled out in front of me. The coffee flew out of the cup holder and all over the dash. It’s amazing how much coffee is in a regular flat white!
The car stinks, but on a good note, it’s a lease vehicle so someone else can clean it and the lease company can pay for it (which is really us paying for it, but in a round about fashion).
And the muffler shop up the road fixed the pram, so the wheels are back on.
Now just to concentrate on some work – maybe I’ll go out for more coffee (the drug of commerce!)
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I love that you thought to get the pram fixed at the muffler shop! good job!
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My comments are getting lost in cyber space again. I posted last night around 8:30pm, tried again & was told it’s a duplicate. I’ve just reworded the first line & tried again but it’s not showing up. So frustrating!
After the sh^t week I’ve had, I was really looking forward to engaging with fellow wheel-wobblers last night. Sigh, shall just wait for the techies to fix things?
PS As always no links, no swearing in post – just rather wordy!
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Same with me in the Shorts post. But funny it’ll let you post that you can’t post!
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I know, the irony hey? I figure it’s just the tech issues.
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Well- scale back the website (did you REALLY need a radio show?), quit with the TV, go back to doing the column and get the website to have a little more integrity and SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
Honestly, as a kid who had constantly working parents, I’m super well dressed, but my mum never picked me up at the school gate and I never went home to a house smelling of home made blueberry muffins like my friends did. My children will have home mad cakes and a mum who is there and if that means one less overseas holiday or not so many new designer clothes then I’ll sleep well at night.
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On the other hand, my mother was unemployable (autistic) and while technically present was not really ‘there’. So, just because she spent time with us didn’t mean we had a good upbringing. Although it’s relative – when I tell people stories about various things that happened in our house, like the throwing of plates by mother, I always think, well it wasn’t so bad, there were kids in the small town I grew up in that were never fed breakfast and often beaten. We may have been ignored (and tied into our beds), but we weren’t beaten or starved or had parents on drugs.
Every family is different and provided the parents are THINKING about parenting, then they are probably doing a fine job for their family and their situation. Whatever the mix of paid work.
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Hey Anonymous,
You should be a life coach!
Just not mine….
Look, both my parents works when I was a kid. And my mother has NEVER baked a muffin. And yet? My scars are minimal.
This post has clearly raised some interesting issues for many people who have read it and I’d respectfully suggest that many of the more emotional, angry comments have more to do with the people making them than anything I’ve written.
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Well said.
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Agree! My parents worked very hard to send us all to a good school and we were always the last to be picked up.. But I couldn’t care less and have zero issues whatsoever in the parent area of my life, they are great people. They did the best they could and I love them for it!
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My Mum didn’t work and I was still always last to be picked up lol.
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Blueberry muffins are over-rated.
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Misha,
Please don’t take this as a sexist comment just because I’m a bloke, but you’re as wrong as a human could ever be.
Blueberry muffins are wonderful, they are proof that their is a god and the big bang happened all in one.
Blueberry muffins make people happy, there’s nothing like the sated feeling after a bloody good muffining.
Where would we be without blueberry muffins? We’d be stick with apple muffins, which sometimes have over soggy apple bits in them, you simply can’t compare the delights of a blueberry muffin to the soggy possibilities presented by apple muffins or the teeth sticking abilities presented by chocolate muffins.
There’s way too many disparaging comments on blueberry muffins, it needs to stop in the interests of world peace and first world hunger.
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My mother was a full-time mum and our relationship is fifty shades of f***ed up! I had all the things you mentioned and more, but sometimes things just don’t work out.
Spending more time with the kids isn’t necessarily the answer to everything.
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Mia, my wheels fell off this week too, & really fast. I’m at home full-time with my daughter who’s almost 4yo by choice & circumstance & I usually love it. She’s been unwell on & off for three weeks with the last week being the one that the kicker cold & cough arrived, which she then gave to me. And she never gets sick or tired according to her, so you can’t verbally acknowledge how unwell she is to her or she gets upset & throws a mini to monster tanty depending on her mood, hunger levels, etc.
I have help one day a week from my mother-in-law. I’ve been lucky enough to have this help since she was six weeks old. It is only withdrawn if grandma is ill or on an overseas holiday. She retired the year our daughter was born so is available & loving being a grandma. Our daughter is the only grandchild on this side of the family. I also have a very supportive husband. And I mean the best, caring, logical, financially secure job – a man who did the night feeds when I had PND & had to take my sleeping & anti anxiety meds at night so was unable to feed daughter overnight.
Yet this week with sequential nights of disturbed sleep for us all, then getting ill, my wheels fell off big time. So snappy & short-tempered & impatient & unable to see that this is normal life. This is motherhood/parenthood. My daughter starts kindy next year. I would like to care for her myself entirely during the days of the working week until then but realise that I cannot. Her grandma is happy to care for her an extra day but I would rather find a family daycare spot if I can to give her exposure to other experiences prior to kindy.
And part of the problem is that ‘I want to be the person who can cope’ too. So this week, I bravely went to see the GP to get a referral for a mental health plan so I can go see a psychologist for a while & get some help. Because as you say EVERYONE GET ALL THE HELP. So I just wanted to say thanks, I hear you. This week I managed to prioritise myself, because long-term, if I look after me first, then the rest of the family will be better off too.
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Good on you!!! One of the best things I did early last year was start seeing a counsellor about my ‘issues’ being a SAHM. I felt I didn’t deserve problems or must be pathetic to be well-off with healthy kids, a great husband, help yet still miserable. Started me on the track to finding joy in my every day. Good luck.
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Mia you are amazing! I love how open you are.
I will puncture my eyes with rusted nail the next time I read another banal Facebook or Twitter update saying:
“Just baked yummy brownies for my boyfriend!”
or
“At the beach, life is great! sunshine, surf and babes. What more could you want?”
-you to shut up is what I want.
You honesty is so refreshing.
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Safeway cakes were my favourite as a child. So rich and choclatey.The ultimate treat.
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This article really spun me out. Mia your honesty and humility is just gorgeous and my god you put yourself out there!!- Some of the comments must have been unpleasant to read.
I guess my little spin on it all is that slowly I have come to realize that less is more. For our little household we function best when I have less work on. I like who I am when I have space in my life. A full diary makes me feel claustrophobic through trial and mostly error i have come to learn that. I have ridden to roller coaster of stretching family life so thin that one little wild card like a sick child or a work conference for my husband can throw everything into turmoil. It has taken me years to feel good about saying NO to good offers of work, the funny thing is the more I say no the better the offers become, so that when I finally say yes it is to a project it is one that completely rocks. You are so smart, clever and fabulous that you will never be lost for work (or words) but if you were one of my mates I would be telling you to cut a project or two loose.
I hope the whole process of writing this and having us all tell you what we think was cathartic and the wheels come back with a vengeance!! x
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I’ve always admired your lovely pragmatic attitude and I think your TV appearances and writing help more people than you realise.
We’ve had at least a couple of decades of juggling – children, free-lance work, , working away from home, working from home, working for unsympathetic employers, not enough sleep, no holidays, trying to be creative amidst the kaos and on it goes……..
Living in the midst of all of this it’s so easy to feel like your life is out of wack.
When you sit at the family dinner table and look at your happy, contented, older kid’s faces you realise that somehow, against the odds it worked out just fine.
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Well really, what’s the point of having kids if you never see them or farm them off to someone else to look after. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s probably a good indicationyou need to cut back somewhere. Better that now than have a nervous breakdown in 5 years. Then no-one benefits.
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