It takes a village...
My friend Bec has been spending a lot of time trying to pick up chicks in playgrounds lately. But as the weather grows colder, her pickings are getting slimmer. She is disconsolate about this. “Where’s my village?” Bec asked me plaintively last week. Except she used an adjective before the word village and it rhymes with shmucking.
We were talking about the challenges of being at home alone with small children and she was referring to the famous African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child”. It’s a beautiful saying that refers to the positive impact individuals and groups outside the immediate family can have on a child’s wellbeing. ‘Many hands make light work’ is a more flip way of putting it, but in truth it’s more than that. It’s not just about helping hands.
About a year ago, Bec’s husband took a new job and their family moved interstate. There’s a name for people like her: “The Trailing Spouse”. It refers to a person who uproots their life to follow their partner’s career in a new city far from home. You both leave behind family and friends but only one of you is immediately absorbed into a new job and all the structure that provides. The other is….trailing. Without a network of support and without the distraction of a career to help ease the transition.
On paper, The Trailing Spouse agrees the move is the right thing for her family, often for financial reasons. But practically, it can be a rough ride.
In almost every case, the Trailing Spouse is female and not in paid employment, not after the move anyway. Usually she is (or becomes) a stay at home mother, left alone to build a new village of physical and emotional support for herself and her family. From the ground up.
The thing with villages though is that they can take years to establish. Decades. A lifetime. When Bec had a baby a few months ago, this became woefully apparent. Her husband was working long hours in his new job and without family or close friends to help her, she found herself home alone with her three year old and a newborn. She is still working but from home, further limiting the daily contact that leads to new friendships and connections.
Bec has a rock solid support network – a raucous, loyal, village of women (and a few men) she’s accumulated since primary school. But they’re all a plane ride away. Hence the loitering in playgrounds, hoping to strike up a friendship and create a building block in her new village.
You don’t notice your village until it’s missing. And so it was one day last week when Bec and I were chatting on Skype. I was at work, she was home juggling a newborn and a preschooler with sleep deprivation and a book deadline.
Me: I’ve worked out when I’m most happy looking after my children. It’s when there are other adults around. Husbands, friends, my Mum or mother-in-law….anyone really.
Bec: ME TOO!!!!!
Me: It’s not that I want them to do the work so I can lie on the couch and eat Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream (although…). It’s for the company. The adult conversation.
I love my kids but puzzles and dolls and trucks just aren’t that mentally stimulating for hours at a time.
Bec: But isn’t that the way kids used to be brought up? Literally in a village with big extended families of aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings and friends? We just don’t have that anymore. We’re all locked away at home alone with our kids and wondering why our brains feel like they’re turning to mash potatoes.
Me: Yep, why is it still such a source of guilt that I didn’t enjoy playing with baby toys? It’s because I’m an adult! I’m not meant to do puzzles! Not all day every day. There are other things that are fun for adults.
Bec: Like Rob Lowe.
Me: And cocktails. Hence, the village! It’s more fun when you can share the cute things they do with someone else. And the annoying bits.
Bec: Exactly. I had a brilliant mothers group in Brisbane made up of my friends – we all had babies at the same time. Now it’s just me and 50,000 tubs of Play-doh. Where’s my ****ing village?
Mothers aren’t the only ones who need villages. It’s an innate female need.
I have two friends who swapped states last year. They don’t know each other and are decades apart in age and yet they’re both struggling in the same way. At least when you are a trailing spouse, you bring a teeny part of your village with you; your partner and often your kids.
When you’re single, it’s even tougher. Moving to a new city where you have no history and no roots can be an invigorating way to hit the reset button on your life but it can also be deeply lonely. Making friends as adults is something we all do but until you relocate, it’s by choice not necessity. Village-building takes time. And just like any construction project, they’re impossible to fast-track. Bec knows this. She’s slowly, slowly building her new little village. Although some of it is made of Play-doh.
Do you have a ‘village’? Have you ever struggled with a big move?
Comments
217 Comments so far
I went through this 10 years ago. Moved to another city and stayed at home with young children while partner travelled the world with new job. I luckily could transfer my work but that was only two days a week. I was so lonely. I eventually worked and worked and worked. We moved to a little village and I volunteered to do a couple of “community” things and met a few people but always felt lonely. Then I decided that I would talk to one of my beautiful girlfriends on the phone for an hour every week. I had about 12 of them and so only needed to have a big moan to each one every three months…I also sewed quilts to spent my days either working or sewing and trying to be a good mother. Occasionally I would return to Sydney for a night or two of catching up with friends and that would sustain me for a while. Circumstances have now changed and the family is splitting up. I’m sure those pressures all that time ago have something to do with it, but I have beautiful friends and family who helped me then and continue to help me. It may sound trite but Facebook and Twitter are great for keeping in touch. Keep reaching out, you will find people and things do improve.
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Exactly! where is my @#$ing Village?? I read this and almost cried! Thank god someone else feels like me right now… I have just moved overseas (yet again!) for another stint in Asia as a trailing spouse and it SO hard! I gave up my new career to support my husband and keep the family together. I have found that I am forced to be friends with people I wouldn’t normally be friends with just for the sake of having friends.
I attended a kids b’day party on the weekend for my daughter and she sat on the side of pool saying that no one would play with her, it broke my heart!! She asked again last night why no one liked her! Girl, I feel your pain, its the same for mummy!
Oh how I miss my girlfriends in sydney and their support
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Ah KT,
Been there too..still go through it alot in Asia. Plus I find that as it is more of an expat community, people that you do find that bond with tend to get transferred just around the time you start to feel comfortable and so you start again.
I also find that while the playgroups give you a sense of getting out, people don’t show up consistently. I have alot of phone numbers, tried to organize get togethers and just no interest. Started to think it was me and met with a counsellor for a few months. He said that it is very common in the expat community..have given permission to have my contact info given to next mother who is in same boat.
After 9 months, am finally starting to get people calling me back and being invited to events but it is still more acquaintances than actual friends.
Hope things look up for you and your daughter soon
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When you have a new born baby and a three year old the easiest way to make friends with a new group of women is to join a playgroup. You don’t meet local mothers at the playground, that’s for sure.
You might have to join a couple of playgroups to get the right mix of women who you are comfortable with.
That’s what I did. I came down from the country to the city, where I didn’t know any other women. It’s very hard to have your kids without a support network of other mothers so the first thing that I did was find out where the local playgroups were.
The women in the first playgroup were very clique, but the second play group I joined welcomed me and my children with open arms. The friends that I made there I still have years later.
The second thing that I did was join the local toy library, they were in need of a membership officer so I volunteered. Once I was on the “committee” as opposed to just turning up and getting and returning toys, I got to know the other committee women quite well and they also became good friends.
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The thing that really gets to me about a mum needing a village to raise the kids is that few people give the idea the huge amount of credit that it deserves.
There is nothing normal in the evolution of human beings about a mum carrying out the babycare of the family for hours on end, day in, day out … alone. It’s actually a bit of a recipe for social disaster. The most basic quality of human beings is their sociability. Mums need people around them, babies need people around them and babies need their mums to have people around them.
Mums without villages has only been happening for about 200 years, since the industrial revolution, a mere blip in our social history. Yet, the problems it causes for mums, dads and children are rarely acknowledged. It has become part of our social view that mums without villages is completely normal when it isn’t. That’s a huge burden for mums to carry, once again, alone.
Mums can be without their village without moving too. How many women are looking after their babies, isolated by lack of transport, their village gone away to work for the day and too tired in the evenings when they come home to contribute to the childcare? The idea of packing up baby plus gear plus self, dressed to look as though everything is under control, to get out to make contact with the village is understandably too much for a lot of mums.
To all you mums and kids doing it on your own without the village behind you, it’s not surprising you feel so alone … it’s just not natural! No wonder you’re wondering where your f*&%ing village is when you need them! It’s not because you’re a bad mum that you feel this way … far from it, you’re really a normal human being.
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Yes – what a great article!! I have moved a lot and one way or another have lost contact with most of my close school and uni friends. Currently on maternity leave and I’m so lonely!!! Not sure if it’s just me but as an adult even though I go to various school events (oldest kids are in school) mothers groups etc and am consciously trying hard to make friends, I find it really hard to forge the kind of close bonds I had with people when I was at school or university – that real spill your guts, laugh outrageously, drop in anytime kind of friendship. It’s all very planned gatherings, polite chit chat, always careful not to impose etc Very frustrating as more than anything, now that I’m at home bored and lonely, I crave deep and meaningful friendships with other mums that go beyond the superficial. I Know I need to take some responsibility for my situation, as I have got older I have become more reserved and risk adverse. Any advice on how to move beyond the superficial and form deeper friendships??
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No advice, but I totally get what you are saying!
My guess is it just takes time,y ears of being together, like with school friends? But people move so often these days, it’s hard to give a friendship the amount of time it needs before someone moves to another house/school/city/country.
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I agree that it is very difficult to move on from the superficial chit chat to getting to the deeper friendships. I have been lucky enough to find some really good friends through playgroups etc BUT it took months and months of the ‘shallow’ stuff to get to the deeper stuff. My advice would be to organise some time with these women without the kids. Organise a dinner out for the mums or invite just one or two to a late movie. Chances are some of those mums feel exactly the same way you do……. everyone is just a bit too exhausted, overwhelmed and a little bit shy to make the first move.
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Thank you for your insight! It makes me feel a whole lot better, even years and years after my kids were little and I was officially “raising” them! Even when they’re a whole lot older and “officially” grown up, I still feel a need to be there for them. Probably always will. Thing is, I will always probably feel the same need for support from my “village” no matter what the age or stage and you’ve really given us all a great perspective on our basic need for that.
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Yes. I’ve been a trailing spouse with two very young children. It was beyond miserable and I’m not usually a sad sort of person. I thought I’d be making friends via oldest child at kinda chatting over cutting up fruit etc and at playgroups but the social environment was completely different in the new town. Rather than mums at home (I’d left a beautiful village) kids were dropped off by day care ladies and grandmothers – all the other mothers seemed to be working. I went to every storytime/kindagym/swimming lesson/working bee on offer but there really wasn’t a lot of outreach. Saviour was the arrival of the third child and my forcing the Child Health Nurse to allow me into a ‘new mother group’. These are fantastic friendship building environments. Then I moved into heavy duty coffee chats and play. Began to have great days, knowing most people down the street and in the supermarket.
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While I’ve never moved for love or for work I do know what it feels like to lose part of your village! My best friend has moved interstate twice! She’s been back in QLD for the last year and recently had a little baby girl. I miss her terribly and the worst thing is sometimes she calls me crying telling me how lonely she is.
She’s a stay at home mum and her partner works nearly 6 days a week. She has a couple of friends up there but they’re mainly his friend’s girlfriends, which isn’t the same as real girlfriends I suppose.
There is no reason for them to be up in QLD other than the weather (who cares?) and the fact it’s cheaper. He could easily get a job in Sydney. The whole family (including his) are in NSW.
It really baffles me why some people chose to isolate themselves, especially when their baby is so young? I know there are thousands of expats out there who move sometimes with little choice but I just think it can spell doom for your relationship.
You need your friends! You need your support network! You need your fucking village!!
They’ve been having a lot of relationship problems recently and they don’t understand why….
Hopefully they’ll come to their senses soon. I know that I could never have a baby away from my family and friends unless it was absolutely necessary but I knew it wouldn’t be permanent. To rely on your partner for everything is just too risky.
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I’m a trailing spouse…I’m 26 and moved to Brisbane just over 12 months ago when my boyfriend got a new job. I’m slowly setting down roots and am fairly happy with our new place, my new job, my new hairdresser and mechanic etc… but I don’t have a village here. I don’t have kids and I’m not religious at all so I can’t link in with mothers groups or church groups. There seriously needs to be an easier way to meet people…just ordinary people to have coffee with and talk about stuff or go shopping or something.
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My friend is in Brisbane too! She needs a friend that doesn’t have babies! All her friends up there are part of mother’s groups. She has a baby but I’m sure she’d appreciate the change in conversation!
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What about interest groups? are you into a particular sport? are you an artist? do you play an instrument? What music do you listen to? Are you into politics?
In other words, what do YOU like to do?
Can you volunteer for an organisation with similar mindset to you?
Find a group or organisation that involves that and, at the very least, you will find people with at least one interest as you.
Take a class at the local TAFE or adult education centre to try something new?
Go sky diving, rock climbing, white water rafting. Running groups, basketball teams, gosh there are so many things out there with other people who could be potential friends.
As everyone else posted her, it takes time.
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Bec, we live in the Adelaide Hills and I would love to catch up with you! Every time I read something of yours on here, I always think how cool it would be to meet you – I already feel I know you a bit because your posts are so honest and beautiful (and funny!). I have a couple of little ones too (4 and 6 now). Come up and see us! I’m also happy to cuddle your baby and amuse your toddler while you have a nap on the couch, if that’s where you’re at at the moment.
My next door neighbour (who is a gorgeous person) just had her first baby in Feb. I can invite her too, and there’s your village!!
Wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t serious. Please, email me! We’ll have fun!
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My goodness just when I think I’ve read it all, this is me all over minus the children. I moved to regional QLD for a couple of years ago for my boyfriend, they were the toughest time of my life. Now I look back and I’m really convinced I tried really hard but just didn’t meet many people who were keen to be friends with me. Here I have lots of friends so I hope it wasn’t me. I’ve moved back home, I make a huge effort to be much kinder (and more approachable) to people I meet that are new to town. I work in HR and often we transfer people from all over the world I think many people would be suprised there is a hugh number women that are transferred and I imagine it would be even tougher for their husbands and boyfriends.
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Ahh the village! I am not a mum yet but feel the same way after moving interstate! Sometimes I wish i was born into a society that was more community focused rather than ours which can focus on independence a bit too much sometimes. I crave a village and feel so jealous of those who have it! I find that there are many superficial connections that I have but it is so very hard to find friends that are there for you on a deeper level and are more like family.
Sometimes it is very isolating and I feel so alone because I do not have those strong connections here that I used to in my hometown. I worry also that this lack of connection/isolation many people experience can lead to anxiety/depression/relationship breakdowns etc as it is so essential for us to have connection & support.
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Whenever I read Mamamia, I’m always struck by how so many of life’s happenings are repetitions. For example, reading about the Mum wars reminded me of the bitchiness at high school.
Finding your village happens in kindergarten, primary school, high school, uni etc. Most recently for me (I’m backpacking through Europe solo) I find myself loitering in hostel bars (like Bec in the playground), trying to find like minded people!
Even if I’ve found a group & we’re all merrily downing jäger bombs and swapping stories about that one time in Prague, I always look around for the person sitting alone, to invite them over.
For me, life is all about the people you meet. I hope one day if I have kids, I have or can find a village to help me.
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Oh Mia- how could you have timed this so perfectly? I was lying in bed, bereft and miserable at the end of a crappy mothers day bemoaning my families recent part (for my husband who still works in the city) and my full time move to the country with our 3 kids.
On the surface it should be great- we’ve hoped to do this for years- but the current reality is a blinding tunnel of work (I’m lucky I got a great job that I like locally) and full time child care with none of the wonderful gaggle of women that I was so dependent upon in the city to make the inanity of child care ok.
I’m a great mum. I just don’t like doing it by myself. And I’m missing my village big time.
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I have often casually pondered the idea of setting up a website specifically aimed at helping women to find their ‘village’ in real life. I was so lucky to find an amazing group of women that I really ‘clicked’ with in my mothers’ group, and 3 years on we have all seen each other through some tough times, as well as drunk endless cups of tea and solved the world’s problems as our kids play together in the park.
I know that there’s lots of other mums who aren’t so lucky – the trailing spouses (one of my friends left for melbourne at the beginning of the year for this exact reason), the mums who just didn’t ‘click’ with the other mums at the mothers’ group, or (my biggest concern really), the mums who just weren’t quite well enough/ struggling with PPD in the early days so missed out on the early mothers group meetings.
I know in the USA there are websites like cafemom.com, where you can go, look up an area, and find groups of women who seem likeminded.
I also find that it can be really hard to find out about services like playgroups/ kindys/ library reading groups etc when you’re in a totally new area – there is heaps out there, and early childhood centres are often a great place to start, but I know a lot of mums with 2 or more kids find getting out of the house to those sorts of places a nightmare.
I’ve often thought that it would be awesome to have a website in Australia where mums could connect with each other, with the goal of then turning that connection into an ‘offline’ relationship. Cos let’s face it, message boards/ mamamia/ FB is all well and good, but it’s not enough if you’re stuck at home with the playdough and the kids by yourself all day.
What do you think, does anyone know of anything like this in Oz?
I know that as a single parent, I NEED my village, and I’m so very grateful that I found one. I can’t imagine my life without my village of mums, though as the kids grow more and more people are moving out of our suburb (10 minutes from the city) to the ‘burbs/ adelaide/ melbourne/ anywhere where house prices are less insane.. I think I may be needing such a website if the trend continues..
Hugs to you Bec. I’d totally smile at you if you were at my local park in Sydney. I met a lady at playgroup last week who’d just moved here from Russia – this article has inspired me to be brave and see if she wants to grab a coffee next week if she’s there
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I had a fantastic mums group with child #1 & I still see most of them but when I was at home with bub #3 & most of my friends were back at work I started feeling like I was a bit without a village I joined a group on facebook that was aimed at mums in my local area who were in need of adult conversation & friends for their kids.
Each week a day, time & place would be listed & whoever could make it would turn up & meet new people. Days & times rotated to make it open to everyone & depending on weather the locations varied between parks & play centers. It was a great way to meet other mums & I was lucky enough to develop a few good friendships out of it.
It can be a bit intimidating putting yourself out there but well worth the effort.
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Buggy buddies in Perth is like that. Have a look at their site, all the events for kids as well as meet ups for anyone to go to, just find the buggy buddies balloon!
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I’m actually working on something for mums to connect right now. Don’t want to get into it too much at this stage but hopefully will have something out there by the end of the year. After reading all the responses of the women here I’ll be sure to contact Mamamia when we’re live.
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I’d be very interested in that Jess! Goodluck with your project, I hope it works for you, I’ll keep an eye on MM to find out more about it!
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Have a look on meetup.com I know they have mums meetups, if they don’t have one in your area you could start one
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Does no one new to a neighbourhood do drop in afternoon meet and greets anymore? I remember growing up in the suburbs, and every time a new family moved in, we would get a note in our letterbox to introduce themselves and invite us to drop in on Saturday afternoon when they were hosting afternoon tea so they could meet their new neighbours. I always thought it was a marvellous way to ingratiate yourself into the neighbourhood. But once I moved out and into rentals, it never happened again. My parents still live in the same street, btw, and we still know all the neighbours.
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After moving from Melbourne to North America to Melbourne to France to Sydney to Singapore to a tiny rural beach community I have lowered my expectations. I don’t expect to find friends in each city that will be life- long friends that resemble my childhood or university friends. I gather friends through child- care,kindy ,school and the playground that will be my ‘vilage’ for the here and now and I don’t expect everybody to be my ‘ best’ friend. Whenever you move into a new community, in Australia or overseas , it is YOU who needs new friends not the people who have already been established in their friendships and communities for years. In my town there are some mums that even went to kindy together – why would they need new friends? It is up to me to really work at creating the village I want around my family. I find that now I am very quick to invite people back to my place for a coffee and play to break the ice. Some become friends others don’t but I keep trying.
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Oh Mia (and Bec) you are singing my song,
4 children, born in 4 different countries, a new village each time. Over the years I have become a self professed expert at starting up a chat with anyone, it came through necessity. Some of my dearest friends are women who were minding their own business when I came along and pounced on them. Sad but true. I caught up with a girlfriend in London recently who reminded me that she was reading a newspaper in a coffee shop with small people at her feet when I approached her and asked “Do you do the sudoko?” WTF???? We were both rolling about with laughter thinking about it (I don’t do sudoko but the newspaper was open to that page). I had 3 children under 4, and was desperate for friends, she ended up being a complete lifesaver.
There are so many of us out there, all feeling the same way. I wrote a post about trailing spouses and it continues to be the most read out of anything I’ve written. http://shamozal.blogspot.com/2010/11/expat-wife.html
Bec, I’m back in Adelaide in 4 weeks. If you notice someone lurking near your local park, it might just be me xxx
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I just read that blog post – fantastic!! I love it! x
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I might be moving from Adelaide to Perth to follow my husband. I’ll need a new village
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As a social worker, I know there are organisations that can help with this exact issue. One of the programs I’ve come across through my work is called Volunteer Home Visiting through a local non-government community organisation.
Its a service for socially isolated families with a bub aged 0-5. The volunteer comes out 2 hours a week to visit. Sometimes they just sit and have a cup of tea, other times they hold the bub while mum has a shower. But the aim for all of them is to link the mum in with the community through playgroups etc. The volunteers are all trained and checked for working with kids. And these sorts of programs don’t usually take any families with child protection issues, or D&A stuff, so the people you will meet will be just regular people who for whatever reason are a bit isolated. Its often RAAF families, or people who have recently moved that get referred.
Referral is through government health networks, so its always worth asking your child health nurse or someone like that if they know of any programs.
There’s heaps of different programs all over NSW, run by local organisations, so ask away!
ANother thing I have found and recommend to clients in similar situations is to join a sporting group as soon as you can. Nothing seems to break down barriers faster, especially in a small town!
Good luck everyone who is going through it, or about to!
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I’m a trailing spouse, we moved to Australia 5 years ago. A move home for my husband but a big move away from my village in the UK. I love where I live and have some fabulous friends and the most gorgeous 22 month old little monkey……we are now facing the decision of moving again….to Adelaide, so far from my new village. I’m so scared at having to try and meet new friends and create a new support group for myself.
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I have definitely been there. It is very random as to whether you click with people in a lucky moment or have a long period meeting nice people who just aren’t quite on your wavelength. Moving is something that so many of don’t question when it is job related but if I had my time over, I would do some things differently.
I have also lived in Europe where traditionally people stay near family no matter what. While friends have said that sometimes that too is difficult, it is actually wonderful in many ways and that village is there from go to woe.
The only advice have for younger people is that the first time you choose where to live, try and make sure it is somewhere where you will be happy to stay long term and have access to a different employer should something go wrong.
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Yes! it is that really clicking with people I find so hard when you move a lot! You can be lonely even when you’re going to different mother groups, playgroups etc
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Gorgeous Bec, you and your babies are welcome to join my village any time. We do champagne Fridays one or twice a month and the park every Tuesday morning (Unley area). We all met as strangers two year ago and my god we’d all have gone loco without eachother. If you’re ever free I’m more than happy to email you our park/location. I loath going to the frigging park solo but love going to see these beautiful girls. Xx
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You had me at ‘champagne’!!! – Bec x
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Oh Bec, happy there is somewhere for you to meet others!! xxx
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Champagne Fridays-can I come too?!
We are in Adelaide too and I’m a ‘work widow’ with preschoolers.
Wonderful article and wonderful comments. I didn’t realise there were so many other people in the same boat.
We’ve moved four times in the last three years-twice with a new baby and all the sleep deprivation that that entails.
I miss my old mothers group friends and those easy afternoons at each other’s houses, and the glasses of wine and BBQs. I think I must be quite a resilient person, and reasonably outgoing, because I’ve coped so far-but I do miss having people around who I can have a laugh with.
I guess there’s a difference between coping and really enjoying things.
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Thankyou so much for this article. I am not a trailing spouse just an ex full time professional who went from spending 80 hours a week in the city to spending all my time in the burbs. I didn’t move house but the transition has been isolating and confronting. I have often longed for a tribe of mums on my street so we could share the load even if it just meant a cup of tea. check out mamma bake they are really pulling women together creating that tribe. I haven’t joined them yet but would love to. Hopefully your friend can find a village that way.
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This made me cry. I am about to leave my village (in eleven sleeps!) in Adelaide. A village I built over the last fours after leaving my Melbourne village to move here. I have the best village and I am filled with dread at the prospect of having to start again in Sydney. It really is hard to start again. It is like joining the dating scene again. “Do you think she like me?” ” Should I ask them over for a play date? Or dinner? No that’s too formal. Start casual, act cool. You don’t want he to think you have no friends!”
My message to those of you who are happily living in your village. If you meet a new mum (or she may not be a mum) who tells you she has just moved to your village. Invite her for a cup tea, or to a movie or just have a chat with her because soon she will be going home to a neighbourhood where she knows no one and feels so alone. Just your smile and conversation may be enough to stop the tears for that day as she mourns the loss of her village. It is so hard for us new villagers and we welcome your friendship with open arms.
And to the gorgeous Bec. I’m sorry we weren’t more a part of each others villages. I think you are the bees knees and loved our catch ups, even if we didn’t do them very often! I’m around this week so if you have time for one last village meeting I will be there with bells on! Give me a buzz!
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I’ve been meaning to email you to say goodbye!!!!!! I will miss you even though we only caught up a few times!! You’ve been soooo very welcoming to me … Melbourne is lucky to be getting you. And Sarah .. you’re the type of person who will find a new tribe easily. You just radiate warmth and friendliness. xxxx
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Sarah, keep us up-to-date with how you are doing in Sydney. There are several of us here who are lovely (I promise!) and would be happy to meet up with you for a chat if you need it. xx
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I’m in! Thanks so much for that, with all the emotion I am feeling at the moment your comment means the world to me! S x
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I am a ‘trailing spouse’. Moved interstate almost 10 months ago. Still trying to build my “f*****g village” too! Lots of playground and kinder drop-off loitering going on. Bec, where are you? Maybe we could hang out….lol
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I had a little chuckle at your loitering comment, I see lots of loitering at kindy, school and parks in my future!
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Great article Mia, thanks so much. Being the trailing spouse is really difficult. I am a police spouse. I am 2,000kms away from anyone I know well enough to tell them how I really feel and I have just found out we are having a baby!! We have been away for over 12 months now and I was just starting to feel good about it and establish myself at work and play, then QLD got a new premier and axed or is in the process of axing 30,000 government temporary jobs, one of which happened to be mine:( (If you could bring this up with Karl on your spot on Today would be great, it’s a huge issue QLD is facing and it is not getting any airtime at all). Now I have a whole heap of time on my hands and am full of worry for being pregnant and jobless with no one to talk to. Technology and online forums are great but nothing is as comforting as a big understanding smile and hug from a friend.
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Congrats on your pregnancy Panda!!
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I was in the Army for almost 10 years and moved states 6 times. I was single at the time – so the impact was less. Also I’m an introvert so I coped okay, but even the hardiest of introverts need a network.
It does help having a workplace you can go to every day, but making new friends every time you moves really does become a bit of a chore. The trick is to get involved in stuff, find a local group of people doing stuff that you like (sports are good, museum groups, kids groups, classes) and from there you’ll find like minded people and you can start building a network.
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There is another problem when your village is split all over the place.
I have an enormous, insane and supportive family in Adelaide. Its wonderful and we have now settled there despite huge cost to our careers.
But after fifteen years of moving across teh countryside all my lovely friends are scattered. None of my children’s god parents live in the same city as them. It takes so much more work (and money) to stay in touch, weekends away etc.
Last night I spent my birthday at my in laws in rural nsw with two of my three besties. I can’t remember if that has ever happened. Because we have moved, our dearest friends aren’t a ‘group’. They are the person/couple we have picked up in a phase of our life, but the only ones from that phase we hung onto. So we have these fabulous friendships, with people who live all over the place.
Our other tribe live in NSW. Again the work involved in making sure our kids are connected to them in a genuine way is enormous.
We settled in Adelaide in the end because I wanted our kids (and us) to have the biggest tribe we could manage despite the fact that people were so spread out and we got the biggest concentration in Adelaide.
So bec, come join my tribe
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Thanks Dee. You’ve been a great Facebook tribe member so far! We should meet up for a coffee (or ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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God, I just moved 13 clicks South of the city and I feel like this. I’m like a desperado on the pull in local parks in an endeavor to find human contact closer than a half hour drive away! Yet again evidence we’re not alone in our feelings…. So where are all the other desperados hiding?
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My cousin is a trailing spouse in adelaide as well. I will tell her to email Bec!
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Wow, good timing Mia. I have moved interstate to follow my fiance. We don’t have kids and know barely anyone. It was so hard in the beginning and even still is now. It’s only been 5 months but I am an outgoing person and have tried to strike up conversations with just about anything that moves! My fiance though is away 9 days at a time with work and only home for 5. I think it is actually harder for him, there are none of his mates around so we spend all our time together. We both love this, but it makes it hard when I am working and he would love to go and have a hit of golf or tennis or just a beer.
I am scared for when we start to have kids over here though, not having mum and friends and family will be really hard.
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I do have a village – it is made up of the most amzing mother’s group ever, old school friends, new friends from the park and preschool and, most particularly my parents and mother-in-law. But I still live in the area where I grew up, so it is easy for me.
I’m so conscious of how lucky I am and how much more managable parenthood is if 1. you know that you can call in reinforcements and 2. you have grown-ups to chat to.
Bec, I’m assuming you aren’t in Sydney but I’d be keen for a chat and a coffee if I met you in the park (I’ve met lots of Mums that way) so keep trying!!! You’ll find them.
http://mummyateme.blogspot.com.au/
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Ive never had a village – only 1 set of grandparents who live interstate. Mums in mothers group all had own babes, families and jobs to cope with. We moved interstate a few years back so lost my mothers group and our new friends here mostly work full time and/or have own kids and mothers groups. As someone who is very shy and who has attempted to reach out and overcome my social anxiety many times only to have things go nowhere, we just have to cope on our own. Currently saving up to afford extra day care and after school care so kids have some where to go when I’m in hospital having kid 3. Hubby will take carers leave but that means he takes care of them and I fend for myself or they drive rest of maternity ward mad. Hoping for another vaginal delivery, induced during the school holidays (last 2 induced 10 days early due to GD – and no I’m not fat so it’s not my fault) and an early discharge so kids, hubby, baby and I can be together at home. If I go to 40 weeks or need a c-section and can’t drive afterwards we are stuffed. Hubby is well paid and senior and consequently the concepts of family friendly or family flexible don’t apply to him. Before kids I didn’t comprehend how much I would need others like extended family/friends or how isolated I would be. But we have all adapted and overcome the challenges and most of the time we do just fine. But a village would be awesome.
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Oh What Village!! What state do you live in?? It is an awful thing to be isolated when your babies are little! When mine where young, i joined lots of play groups etc, as I didn’t have supportive family, if you are in WA, lets talk?
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I have just completed 25 years in the Australian Defence Force. Nearly 14 of those have been as a Mother. In that 25 years I moved either inter or intra state 19 times. Sometimes I followed my spouse and sometimes he followed me. I was never really keen on socialising with other Defence families – it just felt awkward mixing work and family, besides the divisions of rank can run deep and cause problems not just for the adults but the children as well. Moving with children to a place where you have no social support is tough and requires a big effort to “get out there” and make your own “village”.
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No big moves for me, but as the second young one in my social group to have a child I found a gentle exclusion from what I had thought was my village. Now all my friends have kids I still feel it as they haven’t reached teenagers yet & try to tell me what they’d do with their child in the same circumstances.
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Oh I can definitely relate to this post! Not with regards to the kids but to the ‘trailing spouse’ part. I didn’t just move states I moved to an entirely new country for my husband’s work. Luckily we moved to a country where English is the main language (we are in Michigan, US).
The first few months were tough, my husband was due to start work a week after we arrived but ended up with appendicitis 4 days after we arrived! So I got an extra 2 weeks with him at home before he was off to work all day. Unfortunately I had been misled into believing I could also start working straight away, turns out I had to wait another 5 months! But I’m lucky I can work on the visa we are on.
Plus when we first got here, we only had one car, a company car husband’s boss gave us until we had our own, so of course husband had to take that to work leaving me stuck at home all day, you can’t get anywhere without a car here and horrid public transport! I didn’t drive for 4 or 5 months until after we got here.
Well it’s been just over a year now that we’ve been here and I feel like I’m just now slowly starting to get accustomed to life here. I’ve met some lovely people at my places of work but of course nothing beats your family and friends back home!
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Not sure about English being the first language here sometimes…
We didn’t get a car until November…so I know how that feels! It makes finding a new social circle even tougher as you have to rely on people you don’t know very well to ferry you around. The car has changed our lives!
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Lol true! And yes having a car is just a must have here, I was so happy when we got a second car, I could actually leave the apartment!
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This is very true. I went through this 3 times when my 3 children were aged up to grade 3 (oldest). It is a stressful time for Mums at home for children. Not only finding new friends but also new Doctor, Dentist etc. Employers need to do more to help the man’s wife- eg an orientation handbook to the new town etc would help a bit. Looking back living in different places was interesting, and opens ones eyes, but the friends you make then were hrd to keep as it was before facebook and email etc.
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I haven’t moved physically, but emerging from several years of severe chronic illness feels much the same. And I’m still trying to figure it out. I am lucky to have made some great friends through work – although I have discovered that the school yard politics are not as far behind me as I thought. And meeting people outside work is a mystery – I will be interested to come back and see what suggestions other people make.
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What a great way of putting it…my village…
When we uprooted last year to the US so my husband could study, it was tough. Not gonna lie. I had a wonderful teaching job, family, friends, dog, house, it was a lot to leave behind. I am also putting off having children for this reason, so it seems to compound the issue!
We have talked about the possibility of having children here, but the thought of doing it for the first time with no support systems in place (and my closest friends being 18-25yo college students – not much help there!) is pretty daunting. Just doing the whole moving and discovering a new culture thing is hard enough without a support system!
So yes…where’s my ****ing village??
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I hear ya Rach! I hear ya!
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What appropriate timing for this to be published in the Tasmanian papers! Currrently the state government is reviewing the Child Health Nurse program, which means axing the Mothers Groups. As a new mum to a delightful 15week old boy I have missed the support and guidance of such a group and being able to create my own ‘village’ that is reflective of those particular needs and challenges that comes with being a new mum. I do have the advantage of a great family and friends, but it is different to meeting with other mums who are doing it now and knowing you or your child are having the same issues and developments that others are. Bec if it happens to be Tassie you moved to I’ll happily work with you in creating a new village.
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Hi Mia,
I strongly recommend that your friend Bec get along to a MOPS group (Mothers of Pre Schoolers- for mothers of children under 5 yrs old.) MOPS provides a village of other women all going through the same stuff. And the kids are cared for so it is great time out for women who don’t have other people who can care for their children.
Please, please, suggest it to her. There are MOPS groups in all states of Aust, so hopefully there is one near her.
She can check it out at http://www.mops.org.au
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As long as you want religion with it….
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Oh, nah, not necessarily. Yes, it is run by christians, but it is for all women, christian, muslim, athiest, whoever! Generally they are held in christian churches, but not always. The team who run them are christians, and occasionally a speaker or MC may make reference to belief in Jesus Christ, but not at every meeting, and always in a respectful way, appreciating that that’s not what everyone believes. The christianity shows through in the fact that the MOPS team is made up of mums wanting to show love, friendship, community, support and help to other women, rather than in the sharing of beliefs.
In the last 5 years I have attended MOPS, I have only encountered a couple of negative reactions to any attempt to share a christian message, and those reactions have not caused the mum to want to stop coming.
So please don’t write it off just because it is presented by christians.
(Would you refuse help from the Salvos for being christians?)
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My MOPS group has been my village for the past six years, and now I volunteer with MOPS Australia to support groups all over the country. I would have been lost without MOPS in my early years of mothering. It was the one place where MY needs were met.
Most of us find mothering very hard and lonely at times. You can live in a big city but still feel so isolated. My message to anyone who doesn’t have a village is go and find one! There are so many wonderful groups around. Hunt down one that feels “right” to you. Visit a MOPS group, try out a few Playgroups, go to a mums’n'bubs exercise group… whatever works for you. Just don’t go it alone!
Happy to answer any questions about MOPS
Cath / SquiggleMum
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Hi Cath
I’ve had a quick look at the MOPS website. Is the childcare provided during the MOPS meeting also non-religious? I would like to know more about the sorts of activities that my daughter would be doing. She’s 3&1/2yrs & hasn’t attended childcare at all as yet so I’m concerned with how she’ll be in new surroundings.
Cheers
Hello Petal
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So all the times I inwardly groan when my daughter brings me a toy to play with her, is not because I’m a terrible Mum, but because I’m an adult! Love it!
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Fantastic article Mia! I know just how Bec feels. As an “Army wife” I have left my village behind every 2-3 years and it never gets any easier. I have always worked so with each moves comes a new job and with each new job comes new friends. I am not good at play group / mothers group so work has always been the key to friends for me. In December we moved back home and I am loving it! I am trying to make the most of having my Mum and my real friends nearby. I make new friends each move but it is never the same as my friends who have known me forever. A few weeks ago I got really sick, one text to my Mum and she was there packing up our boys and taking them home with her for a few days so I could rest. Thank goodness I was back in my village.
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