James, aka ‘Superdad’
by JAMES WILKINSON
Now that I have finally been able to talk to a few stay at home dads I have found an interesting phenomenon that is bound to get all the ladies riled up once again.
A stay at home dad is much more honest when it comes to talking about child rearing. We don’t sugar coat the trials of parenting like the majority of women do. We know that it sometimes sucks big time and we also know that we don’t know what we are doing.
A lot of you ladies out there would never say that out loud. Is that because society makes us believe that a woman must adore every minute of parenting and furthermore that a woman should naturally know all there is to know about child rearing?
If you admit that you don’t know does that make you any less of a mother? I certainly don’t think so, but it doesn’t matter what I think.
Just because a woman can physically bear a child does not automatically mean that she knows how to raise one. You only have to look at the statistics on child neglect to prove that hypothesis.
Anyone can learn how to look after a child and men can quite often be more open and objective to these lessons without any guilt (there’s that word again) purely because we know that we are not expected to know.
In addition us men are not afraid to say things like, “This parenting gig really sucks” or “my kid is a pain in the arse” or even “how the hell are you supposed to do that?” The majority of women I have encountered will never admit to these kinds of thoughts let alone voice them.
For the amount of defensive comments regarding child rearing I have come across I would have to say that deep down inside most women think that they are supposed to know what to do in any given situation and feel guilty when they don’t.
This is magnified by the blanket parental disclaimer of ‘every child is individual so you must do what is best for you and your child’.
Are dads more honest?
Frankly I find that kind of advice defensive and unhelpful. Why not just say what you think might work? If someone gives you advice on child rearing are they telling you that you are a bad parent or are they just trying to help you?
I know that babies do not come with an instruction manual but surely if you talk to enough parents who already have a few well-adjusted kids then you can get a pretty good idea of the techniques that work and the ones that don’t.
For the record, I am certainly not blaming women for this perceived lack of truth, more so I am questioning societal expectations, stereotypes and competitive behaviours that make all parents (especially women) feel insecure and guilty about their parenting knowledge.
Let’s face it – none of us first timers (mums and dads) really know what we are doing. Why do we pretend that we do? If we could all be a little more co-operative and a little less competitive then maybe all of our kids would benefit from the knowledge of the village.
So, if you really want to know the brutal truth about the full time raising of kids then I suggest you talk to a Stay at home dad. He doesn’t have to prove himself in that way by pretending that everything is under control.
He knows that he has no idea…
James Wilkinson is a stay home dad, the husband of a corporate wife, a writer and a musician. You can find his blog here.
Do you think that men are more honest parents?
Comments
86 Comments so far
James, I mentioned this after your last post….who are you hanging around with?
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My original Mother’s Group and mums I have met since, have always been great for advice and as a sounding board. We all have times were we have no bloody idea and don’t mind voicing it. Bitching about children, partners, etc is easy with friends….maybe you need some new ones. He he he.
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It is doubtful.
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Rubbish. Or maybe I just have a good group of friends? Sometimes I feel like as mothers we just can’t win – either we bitch and moan too much and don’t appreciate what we’ve got or we’re delusional and think we have perfect children. Honestly, this article did nothing for me except make me mildly irritated.
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James, your article hits a nail on the head…as a mother of a toddler I went through post natal depression which started shortly after the birth and lasted for good 2 years. As a mother I felt really judged even by my own peer ( other mothers, that is) for feeling that way. Even my own mother could not really understand how I was feeling at the time and why! I found it very difficult to admit I felt like my life was hijacked by this small demanding person who I love more than life itself because all the other mothers were wooing and cooing at how wonderful it is to be a young mum…
You are right, we (women) are not very good at saying to the world how we really feel so we all just pretend…but I am not sure if it is gender specific or not just yet. I do know that yes us women are expected to wear lots of hats and wear them all well ( as are men just differently).
Let’s all stop kidding ourselves and start being more open about how we really feel about everything. Then no one would need to go to a psychologist ever again!!
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I don’t really think this needs to be discussed. Everyone has different issues and opinions and their perceived truth is different from yours. Stop talking to these people that you believe are lying to you.
You’re the best….chuck out the rest!!
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Yesterday when my husband walked in the door I told him the kids were being a pain in the arse and I was handing in my resignation!! Love my kids more than anything, but happy to admit parenthood sometimes sucks big time and that my kids drive me insane!
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In my opinion, this is often true to be honest, and I think mothers carry a lot more guilt than most fathers do.
My husband is an only child and was dying to have children, he was so excited, while I wanted them at some point but was nowhere near as keen and hasty as he was. In fact, when I told one of my friends I was pregnant she laughed because she thought I was joking.
We now have a 2 and a half year old and it’s funny how things have turned out, I have enjoyed motherhood so much more than I thought I ever would (it’s not all a bed of roses of course) but even my own mother commented on how she was surprised how maternal I was, whereas my husband has a lot less patience with our daughter than I thought he would. Also, he doesn’t take on any guilt, he can go off with the boys now and then without a second thought, whereas I went away for a weekend with a friend recently and while I had a lovely time, I felt guilty the whole time to miss out on a weekend with my daughter as I work full time. My husband adores our daughter of course, but openly admits parenting is a hell of a lot more difficult than he ever anticipated.
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I agree with some of what James is saying. My early experiences of motherhood were very different to many mothers as I developed PND early doors. A lot of women who develop PND have similar traits like perfectionism, high expectations, control issues & anxiety to a degree. Put mothers with these characteristics in a room with the ‘perfect mums’ and you really do come out feeling a whole lot worse!
I found it easier to be honest with the mums I met through being ill because we went through group therapy together & learnt & shared a lot of experiences with each other. It has been harder in the real world to be as honest, especially with people you don’t know so well, about motherhood because people do expect more of mothers. Mother guilt is huge in society because of the pressures on mothers to be everything to everyone.
I am honest about motherhood to most people. But there really is a degree of trust involved in telling it like it is. Not everyone wants to hear it. And for your own sanity, you need to pick & choose who you share with.
Men have less societal pressure to contend with when it comes to parenting so there is less judgement around them not knowing something or not having ‘natural instincts’. Maybe this makes them more honest
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Mothers groups are all about getting together to talk about the trials and tribulations of raising children and to share ideas and ask for help. Maybe it’s just easier for women to speak more honestly to other mothers than a stay at home dad because there is more common ground.
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Liza, yes I agree that mothers groups should be a place where mothers can talk about trials and tribulations of mitherhood but the point is that they AREN’T. Mothers smooth it all over and occasionally complain about little Johnny not sleeping or not feeding well but noone really dwelves into the deep ussies such as the emotional wellfare of the parents…perhaps that is just my personal experience.
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I must be a man haha. I constantly admit to my friends & strangers that patenting is bloody hard work. I also freely admit there are days when I don’t enjoy it & doubt my ability & desire to do it.
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Same here Helen
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I agree with most of your sentiments James, but I must say that most of my discussions with firstly my husband but also friends with kids the same age as mine and my mothers’ group have often been along these lines: “HELP, my child is doing xxxx, what do I do??” The other party would then say “I don’t know” or “that happened to me last week, we did this xxx”.
Perhaps I’ve been lucky with the women I surround myself with…
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So true – when i joined my mother’s group and my child was six weeks old and everyone was talking about their babies I just sat there thinking – how do all these Mum’s have perfect babies and I feel like I am having a mental breakdown! But they all gradually started being more honest – I think they just start out more guarded until you are friends.
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Oh great so men are honest and when women do tell the truth they are labelled a sook / nag / incompetent
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Sally, perhaps this is why we just suck it up and pretent…
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James this made me laugh, as a mum I think you are right there is pressure just from our biological destiny to be seen as the perfectly nurturing, loving, wise, thoughtful, organic-food feeding uber mother when we all know that this is a hard gig some of the time. The righteousness around motherhood at the moment is ridiculous – let’s all just admit more often that it is a tough gig some of the time – and yes, something that’s also massively heart-expanding the rest of the time. I think it’s only become acceptable recently to say that some of it sometimes sucks. And thank god for that honesty now being more normal!
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I think it’s a hard gig most of the time
But I’m also heavily pregnant, so my memory might be slightly off.
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I do find this quite hilarious given the number of articles on this site about how mothers complain too much about motherhood!!!! But if we don’t we’re not being honest.
Can’t win….
Ps. I don’t know any mums that aren’t honest and I know a lot of mums. I also know quite a few dads who have an idealised view of being at home with the kids, so in my experience James’ view is not supported.
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Good one James, love it, I totally agree, also got a great laugh out of the cranky expert mums trying to shoot you down, you stick to your guns son… oh yes this mum is talking 30 years of hearing all the perfect mums dribble on, and after 30 years it is still a shit job lol
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I get a bit sick of the whole ‘parenting is so awful and hard’ talk. I think it is a major turnoff for a lot of younger people – I know it certainly turned me off having kids. When I finally had my baby in 2008, I felt as though I had been given access to a secret that people had been keeping from me. Parenting is the most amazing, wonderful, rewarding and love-filled experience you could ever go through. Yes, it is challenging, but my previous job was challenging too. I can’t stand being in a boring job and I think we need to remember that although parenting can be challenging, it IS SO WORTH IT! I would rather sit up all night comforting a sick child than going out on the town and being hungover the next day.
So if I am one of those mums who says that she loves parenting, well shoot me because I do!
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That’s exactly it, isn’t it!!
It’s bloody hard work, but it’s just so worth it. I think that’s the essence of it all – for me anyway.
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I believe many people talk themselves into believing it is harder than it is.
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Why would they do that?
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Because people like to complain about how hard they have it and how BUSY they are, when they’re not really.
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I’m generally pretty honest with my parenting experiences – I don’t see the point in lying, if you are having a crap day, so be it, we all have them. Early in the peice when my daughter was only a couple of months old, I did come across the mums that refused to acknowledge that parenting was anything less than sheer, unbridled joy 24/7. Now I just hang out with other mums who quite cheerfully will tell you that their kids drive them bonkers a lot of the time
I saw a quote on a blog the other day (was it on here maybe? can’t remember) that said “if you think you are ‘winning’ at parenting, then chances are everyone else thinks you’re a dick.”
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I think we forget that all those “perfect” mothers out there would have no need for the mamamia community, so of course they’re not here to comment!
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So, James, you may be right but you’re preaching to the wrong crowd here. We’re more than happy to talk about our crap days and celebrate the day when our k
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Sorry…posted too quick. Meant to say, celebrate the day when our kids are in bed!!
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James – you do get a lot of negative comments but I have to say that I agree with you a lot of the time. And on this one too – to some extent. I have three children – 6, 5 and 3 – and up until my eldest started school last year I had only ever encountered mothers who were honest. When we hit school, I was surrounded by mothers of perfect children! I spent most of his first year at school feeling completely inadequate and eventually censoring myself such that i also came across as if my child was perfect too! As the year went on though, some of the dads started having more involvement in school and at sport etc and the different perspective on these perfect children was quite a shock. Within one husband and wife couple it was like they were talking about a different child! It was refreshing to get the dad’s – more honest – opinion. I’m not sure if its just the parents at our school, but the perfect mothers of the perfect children are quite vocal, and the dads much more honest.
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Bah! You think you’re such an ‘expert’ don’t you? I and my Mama friends are all 100% honest about how hard it is. Get your head out of your bum and talk to some women instead of constantly assuming.
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he heh …” I have found an interesting phenomenon that is bound to get all the ladies riled up once again”
I think this is at the heart of why you write for mamamia, James! You love to see the ladies getting hot under the collar.
And also, I know plenty of women that aren’t know-it-alls when it comes to kids.
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I disagree with the premise of this post.
I have many very honest female friends and family members who are unafraid to share both the positive and negative aspects of their parenting experience.
As a recent new blogger, I have also started to enjoy spending time reading other blogs written by women about their experiences (both parenting and otherwise). Many of these are not only exceptionally well written, but so honest and raw that sometimes I could cry while reading them.
Perhaps our experiences just differ, but the women in my life (and on my computer screen) are as honest as they come…
http://charlotteroseblog.wordpress.com/
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I must be one of those mums that tells it like it is then, because I often say at the end of the day, ” thank fuck they’re asleep!”
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No. Most men get extremely offended if you so much fix a backwards nappy. I know that when amongst people that aren’t close friends I do smooth things over – not because I want to appear better, but because I know everyone has challenges and if you immediately start pouring out about how you can’t get more than an hour sleep it just comes off as whinging and boring.
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” not because I want to appear better, but because I know everyone has challenges …”
I agree. I love a good a whinge as much as the next person but I’m not gonna offload to an acquaintance.
I am very very fortunate so it’s just not very gracious. Or polite. Plus, they may have much more serious challenges they may be battling with themselves.
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I must not be like most women as I’m the first to admit my kids do my head in at times and listen to friends with kids when they give advice….
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Yes men probably are more honest about parenting. Parenting is not as big a competition for men as it is for women. I find that women do like to boast about how wonderful their (not so wonderful) child is. I must admit I have always been honest if anyone asks me. No point lieing. I have a brat of a kid a lot of the time, doesnt really bother me, as all kids are brats at some point or another. My husband is very honest in saying he enjoys our son in short bursts – who doesnt, really?!
Good article thanks James. Im sorry if you get some bashings on here. I do enjoy reading your point of view.
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Sorry James I disagree too. I’m very honest about how difficult parenting is, as are all the Mums I know. I did not identify with your article at all.
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Uh, what? I’m not a mother but I am friends with plenty of them. I hear about their experiences with their kids, warts and all. I have never known any of them to “sugarcoat” their lives.
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I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a baby – except clean it’s nappy. All the other stuff, I hope I’ll find a really good book when I have one.
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or just ask a stay at home dad
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Agree.
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In all my years of parenting (only 5 mind you!) I’ve never come across a parent who isn’t brutally honest about how hard it is. If there is someone who isn’t 100% honest it’s probably because they are not comfortable sharing it with me because we are not close.
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well, for me, I am not so much “dishonest” with people I know, I would more so say I am reserved about who I open up to. Like, any mother or father is probably not going to go up to someone they barely know and say “my kid is the biggest whinger sometimes and it drives me nuts, I cant stand it!”
However, with my closest friends and other mothers with whom I feel comfortable with, I am very honest about the harder parts of parenting. That also goes for the positive aspects as well, as in, boasting to a stranger or sharing joy with a friend.
So this makes me wonder, if James is talking to other Dads who he is close friends with, and then other mothers with whom he is acquantainced with… is he really referring about the levels of honesty between the genders? Or more so just the levels of closeness and the way in which he connects with certain individuals.
Of course this is no rule, that mothers only open up to mothers and fathers to fathers. All I know about this topic is that I am brutally honest about parenting with only those whom I can trust and confide in, and who understand me, regardless if they are male or female. With other people who I am not on these levels with, I am more reserved and less willing to vent, despair or boast as I do not feel comfortable doing so, male or female.
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Such a well-considered response Stacey – like like like (I have no button!).
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Society places a lot more expectation and pressure on women than men about pretty much everything, not just parenthood… and many women themselves perpetuate this competitiveness amongst the ‘sisterhood’. Madness, eh? Why can’t we just enjoy our lives (warts and all) and just relax and be happy as much as possible?
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I think James needs to take his head out of the nappy bag and talk to a few more women!
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I actually agree. I think women have an imaginary sense of pressure front society that makes us feel inadequate if we even whisper that we are struggling at being a parent. I myself feel like I am a bad mum if I admit that I am not coping. Its almost as thou we are meant to be able to juggle work children households and every other ball that is up in the air without dropping any of the balls. Men on the other hand seem to be open to throwing their hands up in defeat and handing the baby to the mum before going to bed to sleep 8 hours while mum is up all night.
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A lot of men I know don’t like admitting that they don’t know what they’re doing with most things. This explains why a lot won’t ask for directions, use a GPS (unless in a totally foreign country), read instructions, pull things apart etc.
The only things they’ve been happy to profess ignorance with have been domestically related. Eg: how to clean the loo, use the washing machine etc. I wonder if babies fall in this category???
BTW, I’m only partly serious.
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You are right Faybian, I asked my 16 yr old son to clean the toilet once, he looked at me like I was crazy. And I’m pretty sure men are physically unable to ask for directions, I’ve never met one yet that will, and I’m 42.
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Ahh Pennypacker, when I first read this I thought you said 6yr old son! When I realised you wrote 16 I was sort of relieved but then thought well I’m sure 6yr old boys piss on the floor too so they should probably clean the toilet too!
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I have to disagree as well. So far every other mother I’ve encountered has been brutally honest about our sucky days as parents, as well as the occassional “how the hell?” etc.
I will agree that women feel more guilt that they could do better – but that’s not so much based on the feeling that you should know better, but more that we perhaps could try to do better.
Ironically when I’ve talked to dads, I’ve noticed that they tend to clam up more and not want to discuss parenting at all. I get the feeling that because it often sucks, they see that point as too obvious and thereby rendering it pointless as a conversation topic. I must be hanging in the wrong circles there!
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Urrgh! Yes, there is more pressure on ladies to perform as mothers then men. Check out a girls toy store isle to see how early the gender roles are identified. But as a stay at home dad we don’t want to continue the same old boys vs girls shit! I’ve met heaps of mums way more honest than I’m about parenting. How much more honest can the process and recovery from child bearing be? The fact is we are all parents and as hard as it may seem to some in the kids eyes gender differences don’t count for squat.
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I agree too, how the hell are we meant to know. As far as I’m concerned it’s all a case by case basis!
I have a friend who really peeves me off (and my other mutual friends) when she makes out that her kids are perfect, looks innocently around when we bitch and moan. To me, it seems (and maybe I have it wrong and her kids ARE actually angels) that if she bitches and moans (like us) she’s not as good a parent…ugghhhh. This post doesn’t sound the way I feel but boy it’s annoying!
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In the last week alone, I’ve seen a toddler run out of a shop and onto a road, two nearly get run over in the carpark after swimming lessons, a crawling baby fall into a pool, a two year old traveling the escalator three steps in front, a kindy kid walking along the road about 10 metres and two driveways ahead and a pram pushed out into on coming traffic.
The one thing they had in common is that ‘Dad’ was looking after them.
It confirmed what I already know and is the reason I learned not to leave my children with their father: men, as a rule, are more fearless, they don’t see disaster coming and their cavalier attitude has no place around the safety of babies and very young children.
Rule number 1: *You cannot replace that child. Once it’s dead, it’s dead.*
Rule number 2: *Hold its hand!! ALL THE TIME!!’*
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Yeah, and women are far too emotional to be in the workforce.
For gods sake, how do you see equality and shared responsibility evolving with sexist attitudes like this.
And then you bitch we dont help enough, omg.
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Anonymous, that’s a dreadfully huge assumption.
I don’t agree. If you looked a little longer, I think you would find many similar instances like you have mentioned except with a women as the adult.
My husband is far more the ‘helicopter parent’ than I am.
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As rates of childhood injuries have dropped significantly in the last 30 years, despite increased male parenting participation.
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An early childhood nurse once told me that biologically women are programmed to protect their offspring. Men are programmed to expose them to risk.
I’m still not sure what to think of that, but it pops into my mind regularly.
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Anonymous, when I went back to work when my youngest was two, and their father was looking after them within the first three weeks, my youngest was in emergency with head injuries twice. Head lacerations apparently happen easily. Yeah but don’t worry, she’ll be right!
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I love how you haven’t even bothered to post this, really makes me laugh. Truth hurts. All the comments that have been posted pretty much say the same thing. I’d love to know how it is abusive or offensive. I think you would find it is simply truthful
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Another article about what women are doing wrong as parents again, thanks. No wonder we’re defensive.
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I don’t think that’s what he was saying at all – more that societal expectations of women to ‘know it all’ need to ease up so that we can be more honest about the challenges faced and how little we know as new parents.
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I’m very honest about my failings and struggles as a parent. I’ve found a lot of support from other women saying that they struggle at times too.
I honestly don’t know many people that sugar coat parenting, in fact I have a good laugh at my mother’s group and with my family about how bloody hard it is sometimes.
I think there are people that talk themselves up, and deny their own failings, and yes, there are mums like this. But to say “Men are more honest parents” is simply not true. We are all parents, and we are all just doing our best.
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Spend some time with multiples mums, they will tell you immediately that it’s difficult, we are a great and honest bunch.
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I have to disagree with this article. Only because of personal experience. I’m a fulltime stay at home parent with an 18 month old (and I live in the eastern suburbs of sydney where you would expect folks too sugar coat everything!) and the majority of mothers I have met through the playground, play groups and mothers groups have been very honest & supportive about the challenges of parenthood. I’m yet to meet a parent that does sugar coat. where are these said parents located James?? I’m curious….
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No really, stop gender stereotyping. As someone in a so called “non-traditional” role, stay at home dad, you more than anyone, should be aware that gender stereotyping does more harm than good. It is gender stereotyping like this that ends up with statements like…
“men are better politicians”
“Women are better nurses”
and all the other kinds of nonsense aimed at keeping genders in their “rightful” place.
Stop it – it’s nonsense -and it is empirically incorrect.
The gender fallacy needs to cease – talk about people not gender.
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Uh, I think you missed his point, which was that women-don’t-have-to-be-super-mums-who-know-everything just because they are women.
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Exactly!
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I think that is what he is kind of saying… there is more pressure on women to just know how to parent as we are still shrugging off the stereotypical roles of the 60s
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James your comments really resonated with me. When my first baby was born, I felt this amazing outpouring of love for her. Incredible, can’t, describe feelings I had never felt before. Pretty soon guilt kicked in. I felt guilty for just about every parenting decision I ever made! Guilty I was staying at home with her – I should have been out there working. Guilty when I went back to work – what kind of mother am I? Guilty my house wasn’t a pristine model of housekeeping – must be a dreadful mother! You name it, i felt guilty and like everyone else was judging me. Twelve years into this parenting gig, I look back and am amazed at the paranoid freaker I was! I wish I had relaxed more and not worried so much about everyone else. But I guess that’s the point – when it’s all new no one really knows what they are doing. My kids fantastic young people, so I must have got it right somewhere along the line! Oh, and those parents who obsess over clean floors – maybe that’s your thing, but it doesn’t have to be every one’s mission in life!
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I know mothers from both sides of that school of thought. Unfortunately my first experience was negative by catching up with a mother very regularly when I had my first child who thought she was the Martha Stewart of parenting, as well as domestically. Her child could do no wrong, she could do no wrong. I would leave feeling inadequate, and as though my child was inadequate. When my husband was offered a job interstate I leapt at it, and since then have luckily encountered plenty of women who are willing to admit they have no idea, their houses are messy (unless of course someone is coming over….and then may or may not make an effort to tidy up!) and when the children are frustrating us or we are over it all, we can all moan about it together. My daughter is ten now and those hovering perfect parents actually start to struggle from what I can see. We have a couple in our class and I feel for the children, while their mum is singing their praises in public, behind closed doors they are not good enough, or popular enough etc. It would make is so much easier for everyone if mum’s were honest. I love nothing better than being able to sit down with some of my friends and have a bit of a ‘bitch’ about my day and the hellish behaviour our 3 year old has been displaying, or how tired I am etc. It does no one any good by creating a ‘perfect’ life. James I think you are correct, society does have an expectation that women automatically know how to parent and being perfect mothers and perhaps if this were not the case more mothers would be open and seek help if they are struggling, it is actually very sad.
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I remember thinking and saying how hard being a mum is, I got a lot of back lash. My health care nurse insinuated that I needed to “harden up”, many other mums all had the perceived perfect babies, and I simply could not cope. I eventually told someone who listened and helped me with coming to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as the “perfect mum” and it is not instinct all the time. I can see what James is saying. Society demands mums to be perfect and dads to be supportive. It doesn’t always work out that way. Thanks for your point of view.
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Loved this blog! Well written & interesting. Although I am not a mother yet, I know exactly what you mean & I have to agree with the presumed knowledge & “sugar-coating” of the reality of the not so fun parts that come with parenting.
When we are expecting I’ll be sure to speak to some dads!
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you will be doing yourself a terrible disservice to exclude mothers just because of this article. James is no expert on parenting and I would take his opinions with a pinch of salt
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