Leiby Kletzy
Leiby Kletzy was 8. He may have been a Brooklyn child but he wasn’t street smart by any stretch of the imagination. On Monday he became lost on what was supposed to be a short walk and asked a stranger for directions. Two days later police found his body dismembered in a fridge in an apartment and in a bin on the street. Police are questioning a man who allegedly picked the child up in his car.
Headlines in newspapers online are written to make you click on them. When I saw the picture of Leiby Kletzy with the words “Lost boy killed after asking for help” I knew what was to come.
Not the story so much, which is horrifying and heartbreaking. I too, have only one son and have three daughters to the Kletzy family’s four. The death of a child is a tragedy and reading of this little boy’s death made my chest constrict and heart ache. It would for anyone, parent or non-parent alike. However, it wasn’t reading the story that I was dreading; it is the change in society over the next few days.
For the next week I can expect several people to say directly to my daughter, in my presence, not to trust anybody, to never talk to strangers. They’ll tell me, in front of my daughter, how sad it is that you just never know where the next psycho lives and what a shame we live in a society where I can never, ever, let my child out of my sight.
People who know I believe in the ‘free range’ philosophy of raising children will make a point to contact me or send me the link. See, do you see? This is what happens when a child walks home alone.
Because even though it isn’t true, it seems like it sometimes. The SMH headline contains two messages : every child is in danger and never ask for help from strangers. Newspapers don’t run on being objective and calm, newspapers run on papers sold and clicks online. A child’s death is news, even if you have to get it from the other side of the globe. Very few papers will point out that you are more likely to die from a lightning strike or choking on a BBQ sausage that have your child abducted by a stranger then murdered. There is very little in society more life threatening than putting your child in a car and driving them around, yet we ignore it. We don’t weigh risk objectively.
It really took me by surprise the first time someone gave my daughter stranger danger advice. By now, though, my default response is to immediately squat down next to my five year old daughter and say “Don’t listen to this person. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable, talk to the nearest adult. If you are lost, talk to the nearest adult. You can trust them.”
As horrible as Leiby Kletxy’s death is, he was found because the community went all out to help search for the missing boy. The good people in this story outweigh the bad person by thousands to one. We do live in a community. Almost everyone is good. Tragedy happens, yes, but it is thankfully rare. When my daughter leaves the house to walk to a friend’s house, I don’t tell her to watch out for strangers, I tell her to watch out for cars and wave to everyone – to build her own community.
Because communities keep us safe.
Comments
194 Comments so far
Thanks for that comment. I don’t have children but I think I would adopt the same approach. I’m terrified for the kids of today being wrapped in cotton wool and how uptight so many modern parents are when it comes to stuff we all did as kids. There are so many good people out there that do outweigh the bad ones.
Thanks
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I agree with the author that most adults are trustworthy, I have also taught my son to talk to many adults both in my presence and by himself and gauge his feelings, trust his own instincts and to not be afraid. I have, on occasion, noticed that he hasn’t had the vocabulary to state his feelings and that is the time to trust his gut and be instinctive.
If you teach them not to doubt themselves it’s an empowering thing for a child.
Probably more through luck than good parenting, but I now have a responsible, capable and open teenager.
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The problem with sensationalist mass media is that they always focus in on the bad news story. Consequently, the risk is blown out of all proportion.
Because media has been so dumed down, and pushes the sensationalist theme to the max, people think the world is a more dangerous place than it was when we were kids. The reality (according to crime statistics), per capita, it is not.
For some reason, people love the bad news story, love to feel scared – something in human nature that I dont get. Look at any topic and who gets the airtime – the one foretelling the greatest doom, or telling the worst story gets the gig. For it is much more interesting to hear how horrible things are than to hear that life will just be as boring tomorrow as it was today. But I digress.
I feel kids are harmed by the cotton wool mentality today – give them some rope and let them learn. I let me grade 2 & prep girls walk half way to school together. Next year they can go all the way. You want to see the looks of horror from mums at the school. Yet, when I was their age that was what I was doing – and my girls will grow confidence and independance well in advance of the other precious little darlings that are picked up right up to grade 6.
We just need to keep some perspective, to realise that the stuff shown on the news is the VERY VERY rare, one in a million stuff, shown only because the networks realise the shocking stories and imagery gets viewers.
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I live literally 1 block from the local primary school. When I said I would let my kids walk home alone from year 3 – my husband’s family and cousins looked at with horrror. And yet it is my husband’s cousins who – at the ages of 19, 17 and 15 – can’t manage to catch a bus into the city and a ferry to the zoo without my husband chaperoning. Hmmm – who has it the wrong way around?!
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I always liked the philosophy of that woman who taught her child to catch a subway in NYC. She said – ask for help, but never go off with a stranger. I think that’s perfect.
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Which is great -yes- BUT still too simple.
(As a social worker) A child I know ran away from school the other day, across a big freeway. This was in a fairly industrial area. Eventually a lady gave him a ride back to school…. which was ultimately better than the alternatives.
I don’t know what the moral is here though… Nope, Got nothing.
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suggesting we tell our children not to fear strangers is not really the answer either is it? there are nutcases out there, and the risk of incidence is low, but the impact of such an event can be catastrophic. i dont want my kids fearing the random old man walking his dog to the point that it makes them anxious to see him, but i dont want them following him home for snacks either. Fine balancing act that is parenthood huh?
I remember my son seeing a tv news article about a boy being molested int he toilets so we had to talk about it – i said that it would be a ok if someone you didnt know well patted you on the head (perhaps) but not if he put his hand in your pants… i said there are some weirdos out there that think it is fun to hurt others…his younger brother starting panicking about why the WINDOWS might try to hurt him…oops
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I fall somewhere between free range mum & stranger danger. I have 2 children, almost 4 yr old daughter, a naturally cautious child, and a 2.5 yr old son, gregarious and outgoing. I will sit on the front step and let these 2 explore 100 or so metres up and down our street, the community gets to know them, and they get to feel independent.
When I take my children to a park or the beach to play, I give them boundaries, don’t go on the road, don’t go in the water, then I sit back and let them go, if they invite me to play I do, otherwise I let them explore. They come back and ask questions or tell me about what they have seen and done. I supervise in an unobtrusive manner, so they feel independent.
My husband & I own a business in a community shopping strip, our children are often there with us, they sit outside, wander along to other businesses, say hello to other shop owners and members of the community. I know that people are looking out for them, just as i look out for their children.
I often get questioned about why I let them wander.
I am hoping to build children who are trusting, who are not fearful, who have a childhood like mine.
I moved a lot as a child, my one constant was my maternal grandmother’s house. From here, from an early age, I was allowed to “free-range” alongside my siblings and cousins. We had a 3.5 km radius, we were allowed to go so far in any direction, and we did, parks, corner shops, church, golf practice range, even on a punt across the river. This was not rural Australia, it was suburban Sydney in the 70′s and early 80′s.
I asked my mum why she was so easy with us doing this, she told me that that area was her community, what we were up to was reported back by my grandmother’s neighbours and friends, over the back fences…..often before we got home. We were known by the community and watched over by them, we were safe!
Each parent to their own choices and styles, but I would like to hope that my choice to try to raise independent, trusting (& trustworthy) children is not going to be taken from me.
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Isn’t it a fact that most kids are molested or murdered by people they know? Like 90%? I think i got that statistic from Criminal Minds.
But I think they should be teaching ‘trust your gut’ no matter who is talking to you or trying to get you to do something, if you don’t think it’s right walk away. You can’t teach kids to distrust strangers, and trust people they know implicitly. You have to teach them to recognize behaviours, or things that aren’t right. No matter who it is, if they’re telling you to do something you don’t think is right then don’t do it and alert someone nearby.
That said I don’t have kids and I get my information from TV so I might be totally off base on this one..
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That Criminal Minds episode was Gideon talking about how they educated an entire generation about a man in a cloak hiding behind a tree to be feared but in fact strangers make up a very small fraction of offenders. Children are far more likely to be molested or kidnapped by someone they know.
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Well there you go I learned something from TV
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I think this is an excellent point.
Part of what I wish for my children is that they develop a fine-tuned antennae. Hopefully a balance of accepting others as they find them yet trusting their own intuition when it tells them something isn’t right.
But how to flex that muscle?
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Please don’t stop talking to your children about the issues of stranger danger.
My son, ten years of age, was walking home from school last year when he was approached by a man who asked him personal details; name, age, birthday, starsign (?) address and what he liked to eat, who his friends were and he wrote it down in a notebook. WTF?
Thankfully another mother from school, who was passing, saw my son’s uneasiness with the questioning and stopped and took my son away from the man and returned him to me. We called the police and the school.
Two weeks later a man of the same description tried to take a boy from a nearby suburban hardware store.
I thought I had had the stranger danger conversation enough with my son but as his teacher reminded me, it doesn’t always register with them until they are older.
Be safe.
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Was the lady who picked up your son a stranger?
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No, she was another mum from school whose daughter was in his class.
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So, not a stranger to him then.
Cheers
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Your point?
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But in this case, the system worked, didn’t it? A member of his community (a school mum) intervened.
In your situation, I’d talk to my child about listening to that instinct that made him feel uneasy, and refusing to answer those questions from somebody he doesn’t know and hasn’t been told to have that kind of conversation with. His instincts were right, but he needs to act upon them.
(Please note, I am not at all “victim-blaming” in this, just looking at what happened in this particular situation and how it could be avoided in the future. I’m very glad your son is safe, and as you say, these conversations need to be re-iterated constantly.)
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My 4 year old niece went missing for a heart beat the other day in a Westfield.
Obviously all was fine except for her Dad being in the Dog House for a little while.
It really made us think though… What can you tell your kids about “Stranger Danger” that is realistic. You can’t say “Don’t talk to strangers” because you need them to be able to seek assistance from, in this case, mall Security Staff.
I was about 9 when I learned about stranger danger and the Policeman who came to our school told us all kinds of stories like the girl Louise Bell who was taken from her bedroom. I had sleeping difficulties and heightened anxiety for weeks after that!
I don’t have any answers. Do others know- when it comes to Stranger Danger- how much is enough?
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I don’t know the answer Susan but I wish I did!
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This is such a tragedy thats makes me feel sick and makes the helicopter parent part of me want to wrap my 5 year old daughter in cotton wool and tell her to stay away from all strangers.
In reality though I dont want her to fear everyone she doesnt know. She is an extremely outgoing and social child, we walk our dog and she talks to everyone we pass either on the street or in their gardens, she asks their names, how they are and wants to hug them all goodbye, she is ths same at the shops.
Im ashamed to admit my 5 year old is teaching me about community and making me get to know our neighbours, a thing I never did before having a child.
On one hand I think this is just beautiful, on the other I dont want her happily hopping into any strangers car because she thinks everyone is good.
im finding it quite hard to explain in a way a 5 year old understands that most people are good but some people are not so we have to be a bit careful.
I dont want her terrified of all strangers as if she gets lost I dont want her to be too scared to approach anybody. Ive told her to go to any grown up with kids if she gets lost and thats the best I can come up with for now.
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“im finding it quite hard to explain in a way a 5 year old understands that most people are good but some people are not so we have to be a bit careful.”
Recently someone on here said you should teach your kids to always respond to strangers but to never go off with them.
This is my belief too but I would still like some more help in this area.
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I think that’s good advice, to respond to strangers but not to go off with them. I’m no expert, but I think it’s important to tell a child what they *should* do if a stranger tries to go off with them. Telling them not to do it isn’t clear enough.
So what should they do? I’m thinking scream, cause a scene. Get attention. Yell, “you’re not my father/mother”. Be brave, be powerful, don’t be submissive, don’t do as you’re told.
There are a lot of horror stories about people ignoring things like this. But my experience is different, and I think most people would do something.
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Thankyou.
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I’m in two minds about this. On one hand, I’d like children to retain their innocence for as long as possible. On the other hand, there are bad people in the world and a child needs to gradually learn to be careful. Unfortunately the world isn’t all sunshine and lollipops, much as we might like her to think it is.
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I couldn’t agree more with this article – news sensationalism is nothing new, however it is disturbing how many people do not take a step back and realise this.
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Whilst I agree we should not alarm our children, I think we have to acknowldge what they are exposed too. My son (who is 4) recently saw a news byte about the Westgate Bridge tragedy and asked me “why some one would throw their kid off a bridge?. had they been really naughty?” I didn’t know where he saw the piece – but things about other kids register so I think it is teaching them to be ‘alert but not alarmed’ (sorry!) and discuss what to do in the event they do ever get lost (do they know their name, mum’s name, their address etc).
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But the Westgate Bridge tragedy involved the girl’s father, not a stranger. Children are sosososo much more likely to be abducted/abused by someone known to them.
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I don’t need to see these stories in the news to worry about stranger danger. In suburban Canberra, on the street right in front of my house a man attempted to abduct my younger brother when we were kids. He was six. We were playing around the front yard while Mum looked on from the kitchen window. My younger brother was lucky – he was suspicious of the man in the car and didn’t get close enough to let the man get a good hold on him, and he managed to struggle free. When the police came to our house to take his statement they said it was pretty common.
So even though it doesn’t happen often, the fact that it does happen leads me to believe that kids should know about potential dangers to stand even the slightest chance of protecting themselves. Teaching them to trust their instincts is also one of the most important things a parent can do.
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Perfectly said Chris Howe. Couldn’t agree with you more.
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This is a terrible story but reminds me of when I was young. My mother told me this terrible story of kidnappers who stole a young girl at the Shopping Centre and dyed her hair in the toilets so that when she came out her mother wouldn’t recognise her. Whether or not this story is true is irrelevant, it’s the affect that it had on me as a child that is important.
As a child I was horrified by this story and I believe that I am am now a more paranoid person because of it. I remember as a 8 year old child laying awake at night worried that we would have a break in or my Mum was being tied up and I would be abducted.
I have never been in any form of trouble on the streets or in public and have travelled the world extensively. I’m 24 now, people say I’m street savvy and aware but sometimes I do think it’s more of a burden as I’m constantly worried and expecting the worse from people.
I agree with your comment above, it’s much more important to build community than make our children (or us) live in fear.
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Agree with the sentiment but it’s a realllllly simplistic reason re the anxiety. Anxiety is complex and often has many sources.
Luckily it has many treatments available to, i think you’ll find.
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