Em asks: Is it better to be fair during kids sports or to be the winner?
by EM RUSCIANO
The further I get into this parenting caper, the more I realise that there are serious cracks in the system.
I acknowledge that I have a some what unconventional style of Mothering and I certainly do not proclaim to have all if any of the answers but I do believe that I have uncovered a blind spot, a break in the matrix, a weakness in the force that needs addressing.
It’s the whole telling kids that “winning and performance doesn’t matter” situation.
Here is a predicament I found myself in recently. I want you all to read it and put yourself in my place honestly and truly. If you want to method act: I was wearing jeans, converse and a leopard print hoodie. I was feeling a little weary and had a slight headache from lack of caffeine and sleep. Are you all there? GREAT!
Totally superfluous side note alert: My kid is a state level track and field athlete, we have the t-shirts and medals to prove it. Over the weekend she competed in the Eastern Metropolitan regional relays. This is the pre-cursor to the Victorian state relays. It’s not a come and try day, it’s not even a regular low-key comp day. It’s a legit ‘let’s get this sh*t done while in matching hair ribbons and uniforms’ day.
It matters.
A mother of one of my daughter Chella’s team mates organised the team. And she was a bloody marvel. She made excel spread sheets, sent emails, paid registration fees and did all the things I’ve heard mothers are supposed to do but have never been able to accomplish myself.
I arrived to be told that we had five girls and as each relay consisted of four, there was a complicated rotation system being put in place. This was to ensure that the whole thing was FAIR and that everyone had FUN. (This was a fact of which I would have been aware had I have bothered to read the series of aforementioned organisational emails.)
What the what? I had given up a whole Sunday to sit in the rain, after two dancing concerts, Friday night maths comp and a full week at work, to just have FUN?! ARSE TO THAT! I thought – let’s try and win this shit!
Obviously this is inner sanctum stuff, it’s just between us guys – I would have never said that out loud in the public arena.
I have come to learn that sometimes my thoughts and reactions to certain situations may be looked upon as strange. So I am forced to live a double life. You see, on the inside I am a hard line, psycho stage Mum, internally fist pumping every time my brilliant daughter wins a race. On the outside I think I read as a supportive, slightly nutty, enthusiastic Mum with an eye twitch.
Yes, it is exhausting being me.
Em Rusciano
As I allowed the first race to go down, it became apparent that some of the girls weren’t as fast as the others. It also became apparent that if we were to have any hope of making state finals (which was the aim of the day) we needed to run our strongest team at all times regardless of fairness.
The girls also figured this out for themselves.
The girls knew what they wanted (to make it to the next round) and were involved in some pretty complicated discussions about how they could get there. In the end they decided between themselves that the four fastest girls should run and the fifth (who wasn’t as fast) would sit out even though it wasn’t her turn to.
This is the marvelous thing about children, if parents stay out of stuff, they will often come up with the solution on their own. I have come to realise it’s more often than not parents who stuff up organised sport, in a myriad of ways.
But the wonderful organising mother (who is also a teacher) would have NONE of it. She was fixated on everyone getting a fair shot. She ended up sitting her own kid out (who incidentally is the fastest at the club). Subsequently, we lost the heat and didn’t even make it through to the final on the day.
The girls were shattered. No one was having fun, but we’d been fair!
Which was the source of my confusion and the conception of this post.
Our intention was to progress BUT we also wanted to be fair and not focus too much on the results?
FACT: In most organised junior sports, if you don’t perform- you don’t progress.
Shenanigans I say! Mixed messages anyone?
“Hey Chella, just have fun and give it your best but society will slowly condition you to believe that deep down all that really matters is winning and achieving because those who rise to the top are the ones considered successful and celebrated. But totes have fun out there!”
If we as parents were absolutely fair dinkum about the whole “participation is more important than results” situation then why have grand finals, state championships, or even keep records?
The catch is, we all know that out in the big bad world those who strive to achieve results and be the best are the ones who get ahead. The ones who are just in it for fun sometimes end up owning a lot of “smoking paraphernalia”.
How can we prepare our children for reality when up until the age of ten then are being told they are god’s gift to everything?
I am truly asking your advice here. I am quite sure I cannot maintain my double life and I am going to have to eventually fall either side of the hard line.
Do you have the answer?
Well, do you?!
Me is confused.
There was not a chapter on this in “What to expect when you’re expecting:” Do we encourage results based competing or fun? Is there a way to combine them both? My new theory is that we just take the parents out of it and throw the kids in “Lord of the flies” style. I reckon they would take care of business just fine without us.
I’m happy just to watch from behind the barbed wire..
Silently, fist pumping.
Em. x
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday on the Today Network) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can listen to podcasts of Mamamia today here.
Comments
141 Comments so far
I think the concept of “being fair” in kids sport is absurd.
Life is competitive, so sport is a good training ground for later life. Kids learn to excel, kids learn about disappointment. To take the competitiveness out of sport is to promote mediocrity.
It bad enough with helicopter parents over protecting their kids from all that is bad, but to remove the competitive aspect from sport will complete the softening of our kids.
The bottom line is that life is full of triumphs and disappointments. Kid’s sport is a good way to teach kids that life ain’t always easy, and things don’t always go the way we want, but we have to pick ourselves up and get on with life anyway.
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Before I start, I have to say I respect there are many different opinions on this topic and this is purely my opinion and thoughts. I was one of those children that was good at some things, bad at others but did not really excel at anything, but at no time was I under any grand illusions that I should be rewarded for being this way. Not winning and not being being great at things made me try harder to achieve more and I have since gone on to get 3 degrees and work in some high flying roles. I am now 37 and have a son, and am really concerned that we are creating a generation of people who think it is ok to be average. I do not want my son to believe that he will be rewarded for not putting in any effort and just participating. In life you are rewarded for winning it is as simple as that. You get a job because you beat someone else with your skill set, accomplishments and experience; you get a girlfriend/boyfriend because they chose you over someone else. The only place I can think of that you get rewarded for being average/below average is with the current governments handouts. The harder you try, and the more you work to excel yourself, the more likely you are to win in life as an adult.
For small children who are yet to understand the impact and meaning of winning and losing, by all means go ahead and hand out participation ribbons and congratulate them all. But as children get older and the more they are told winning doesn’t matter, the more adults we have who are disappointed and disillusioned.
We are responsible for teaching our children about life and winning and losing is a part it, and we will have a huge problem when the time comes that these children do lose; they won’t know how to handle it. I respect there are may different opinions, but we will be teaching our son about winning and losing and the way it continues throughout life. We will teach him that winners should to show humility and losers, respect and to always be gracious in both.
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Williams Mum,
I agree with you completely. We cannot have a situation where kids are taught that recognition comes from being part of the crowd.
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There has been quite a bit of media attention lately about sporting personalities and teams. Lance Armstrong, the AFL doping scandal as examples. Personally I think this whole competitive sporting needs a rethink. Underlying personal agendas seem to pull everything off track.
I was reading about a new form of education called ‘integral education’ where kids are taught a bigger perspective. The emphasis is never on being the best – as in personal competition against other, which involves wishing the worst for someone else. Rather it is about doing what is best for the team – all members of the team. One of the interesting games that demonstrates this clearly is the ‘integral education ‘ version of musical chairs. Each time a chair is removed, the kids were asked how to do this where noone gets excluded. Rather than scrambling for chairs, kids started piling on top of each other, until with only one chair remaining, they build a human pyramid.
This is such a novel and much needed education method.
We’re reaping what we have sown from a world where it’s ‘every man for himself’. Greed creating economic and social downfall, and social hierachies that push kids to gun down fellow student tormenters. What if we were raised to think that success is where every one is considered and taken care of?
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Nicely put Lily, Over the years I have noticed that in areas where the village, clan or tribe is the main way of social structure that the children and adults have a happier, more meaningful life. In the cities or “Developed” countries where Government, media and school districts prevail the children and people seem far less happy, more with drawn from society and fulfillment of self desire oriented. Your example and integral education seem to go to the heart of the differences. It is time we re-think our education system and our consumer driven life styles.
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I’m not a parent but let me give you all a little perspective on what it’s like for the kid.
As a kid, I sucked at P.E. I mean, I really sucked. I was tall, though, so I’d always get the “You have long legs, you should be a runner” rubbish (it doesn’t work that way….). Everyone I knew emphasised achievement in sport, though.
At school every year we’d have the “beep” test (a fitness test). I’d always be near the worst in class and would always get a lot of smack for it. So one year, I decided to become a runner.
So I ran at least 3km every day, after school. I got really, really fit. I improved my “beep” test score by about 5 levels. I was SUPERWOMAN! I worked really hard. I would run for half an hour without even getting puffed! I joined a gym! But I still wasn’t the best in class.
The P.E teacher that year gave me a “C” for achievement and a “C” for effort.
What BS. He equated “achievement” to “effort” when they’re not at all related. I was officially traumatised.
Years later (as an adult – when it was too late!) I was diagnosed with dyspraxia.
Lucky, I was raised by the world’s most supportive Mum who told me that competition is always about competing against MYSELF not others. And lucky I listened to her. Because if I didn’t, I would have seen myself as a “failure”. Because I listened to Mum, I was able to focus on the amount of personal improvement I made, and the effort I put in, and congratulate myself for it.
This same rule applies to English, Maths, Science…. Mums and Dads, please do your kids a favour; Let them know they should NEVER measure themselves against another person.
One other thing; Minor disabilities (or simple differences) are not that uncommon so let me give you an analogy. Two people are stranded in the middle of the ocean and need to stay afloat without life jackets. They both kick their legs and stay afloat quite well. So they must be putting in the same amount of effort, right? Not if one of them only has one leg to kick with. But on the surface, you can’t see that. My point is, some people have to put in twice as much effort to just be equal with others. But you don’t know what it’s like to be them. So stop measuring everyone by the same standards.
Effort is different from achievement.
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Yes, winning is important and as kids get older trying to take it out of the equation is pointless and probably does no one any favours. But sportsmanship (personship?) is more important which means grace in victory and defeat and playing by the rules. Even the best sportsperson is not going to win everything and there is nothing more unattractive than someone having a hissy fit because they lost. For this reason my personal observation is that ‘I’m a win at all costs type person’ usually tends to be something of an arsehole.
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I’m a primary school phys ed teacher. I butt heads with parents all the time about not having enough competition. Outside school sport, especially at rep level is a bit different. I am all for a level of competitiveness there.
From a school perspective, our job is to teach the fundamental skills to the kids. I want to give them the opportunity to participate in a FUN and supportive environment so they want to continue playing a wide range of sports and physical activities into adolesence and adulthood. I want to nurture young athletes and get them to LOVE physical activity. Why would I create an environment where the same kids always win and the child that loses believes they are rubbish at ‘sport’ by the time they are 7? That won’t make them want to participate. They won’t develop the fundamental skiils and if they do want to participate later in life, they won’t know how.
I want my kids to take away positive experiences and a sound skill base so down the track when someone asks them to play netty or touch etc they can say “sure thing!” instead of rocking back and forth in the corner remembering awful experiences being ridiculed about being the clutz or just feeling like they were hopeless.
Quite often (depending on the geographical area you work in) the kids that are naturally gifted and are excelling are involved in competitive organised outside school sport. I believe high school is a great time to really get the competitive juices flowing. Also, research shows that children under10 aren’t emotionally ready for organised competitive sport.
I once taught a girl, who was very skilled, that was under so much pressure from her mother to win, win, win, that when she missed a pass in a soccer activity we were doing, she burst into tears because she made a mistake (mine wasn’t the only class this happened in). She was 8. That is so sad.
I’m sick of parents telling me to have winners and losers. “How will we know who the best in the class is?” WHO CARES!!! The only parents that go on at me about that are the ones who think they have a kid who could be the winner. The ‘loser’ parents aren’t rushing up asking me to announce that their kid is the worst.
Lay off until the little kids have developed the skills, developed emotionally (children are not adults in little bodies!) and are in the correct setting.
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I believe that whilst the weekly little athletics down at the local oval should be about fun and just encouraging kids to try their hardest and race against their own times, rather than others, when it gets to state or even district level, it’s no different to spelling bees or Tournament of the Minds, where you send the kids that will give you the best chance of winning. You’re not going to send someone who can’t spell to compete for your school in a spelling bee just because they have fun struggling over the letters.
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Well I can only speak from my own experiences. I’m 19 so my days of cross country district finals ( running was my thing obviously) wasn’t that long ago. Now I’m a competitive kid, however my memories of the events that I competed in aren’t what you’d expect. I mostly remember the bus ride to the running oval and playing ‘sweet or sour’ with other drivers, sitting on a picnic rug with my friends waiting for our event, and my friends mum giving us delicious pills that would make us run better( that sounds weird but I have since found out it was just sugar thank god…).
I don’t really remember actually competing. And I have the ribbons to prove that I actually did quite well, winning a lot of my races. So I guess it shows that at a young age a positive and fun mindset is more important than winning, at least in the long term. I feel that I have a healthy attitude to competition in general that stems from a no stress childhood.
Another thing. I feel guilty writing this… One of my parents has always stressed that winning isn’t important only that you try your best. However my other parent hasn’t so much( tho I’m sure that’s what they believe). Now I had a netball grandfinal a few weeks ago and I’m sorry to say that when I saw that my ‘less supportive’ parent had come to watch I was distressed ( not the word I was looking for, I was more anxious). It was silly of me as we won, but I felt like I had to perform better because my parent had what I subconsciously saw as ’high standards’ (not actually the case, but what I was thinking at the time).
Wow this was long! Doubt anyone will read it but my message is that your kids are going to be brought back down to earth when they get older and move into the ‘real world’ however I think it’s a parents job to be a place of unconditional and illogical refuge
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We had a situation at our club this year where kids were punished because they were not in the coaches “a” team, even though they were a part of the premiership winning team the previous year where they only lost 1 game all year. Not happy with that the coach went out and recruited kids from other clubs to bulk up his team. We are not talking about u/15 or 16′s, but U/11′s. To prove how bad things get in junior footy. The coach threatened the other coach not to mess up the team he wanted, he did all the hard work recruiting the new kids and they wouldnt play under any other coach anyway. he had no thoughts or consideration for the 3 boys he had dumped, and it wasnt as if they couldnt play as they had proved the previous year. Coaches picking and choosing who they will and wont deal with, clubs not backing the kids because of cliques that get formed. Now instead of having 2 teams in the same age division they will have one because of the number of kids (and parents) that have become dis-illusioned with the game. Losing kids at the age of 11 from sport because adults hijack the game to further their own interests is deplorable. This coach is trying to create a representative team of the future within the club and it is no surprise that he also wants to be a representative coach in the future. Great for him, not so great for all those kids that give up because of it.
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With all due respect, as an accredited Athletics Australia coach who is involved in getting our Centre teams ready for Little Aths State Relays, I disagree to some extent.
We invited the top 10 100m sprinters in each age group so far this season; in some age groups all 10 accepted. I’m not then going to tell half those kids they can’t take part, IF they go to training. Particularly at the younger levels, U10 and U11, the four fastest sprinters won’t make the fastest relay team, they need to work together and train their baton changes and learn to deal with the pressure of the State athletics stadium. So we split it and 5 will be the 100m relay team and 5 will be the 200m team, most kids will get to run on the day. My daughter is in the top 4 for both 100m and 200m but will only be running one relay for this reason.
I had a parent write me a bullying, arrogant email about how HIS precious son should run both relays. The tone of the email completely ignored the Codes of Conduct for Little Athletics athletes, parents and coaches, which emphasise inclusion and participation. The particularly frustrating thing is this parent does not help out at the club at all, with coaching, organising, anything.
One of the key things I learned on my coaching accreditation course was that as coaches of little athletes, we are not about necessarily having them be the best *now*, even the ones who are exceptional – you want them to stay in the sport long-term and be the best at 20 or so, not at 10.
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My daughter is 3.5 years old and we do Little Athletics. We’ve taught her that whilst it’s nice to win, winning isn’t everything. What’s more important is that she tried her best, finished the race and had fun. When she first started there were a few other children with a ‘winning is everything’ mentality and they would tease the other children that didn’t win and weren’t as fast, strong, etc. My daughter was in tears after she came last in the 100 metre race on her first night (she struggled to even finish it) and two other little girls danced around her singing “We won, we beat you, we won, we’re better than you, you came last ha ha ha”
I’m proud of my daughter for participating, she is not very athletic nor very coordinated but every week she betters herself, every week the races get a bit easier for her, she jumps a bit further, she throws a bit straighter. She’s a winner in my eyes, she does her best, pushes herself and puts everything she’s got into it and she has so much fun while doing so.
I don’t understand the ‘Winning is Everything’ mentality. Yes, at a competitive level, such as state or national, winning is your aim but is it really the end of the world if they don’t? As long as your child has tried their very best and put everything they had in to it then they are winners and you should be proud of them regardless of whether they placed or not.
My daughter came first in one of her races last week and a little girl was crying because she didn’t win and my daughter went over to her and said “Winning isn’t the most important, most important is doing your best, finishing the race and having fun. You did a good job!” I was so damn proud.
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Totally agree with you Em. Recently I attended my step daughters athletics carnival with the school. The entire day was based on participation only. There were no finals in anything no ribbon ceremonies nothing. I honestly couldnt tell you how the kids progressed to regionals etc?! For, example high jump was one jump only and you got a point for trying…huh it doesn’t make sense. How do kids learn to push themselves if participation and following sheep is all that is required. Kids need to figure out that just doing it gets them places you need to push yourself to get anywhere be it on the sporting field, in the classroom or even in society!
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I believe that at junior level sport should be about learning good sportsmanship and team participation and enjoyment at this age who is to say that the slower child will not catch up to their peers. I am continually disgusted by parents who rant at their children telling them that they are here to effing win. There were parents at the school swimming carnival that were timing their children and telling them who to beat. The hero of the carnival was one of the kids who put up their hand to complete in a stroke that they were not good at so the team would still get a pt. It took him ages but he did not give up. This is true sportsmanship, not parents demanding a recount for sports champion or the Australian swimmers whinging about getting silver.
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I’m not competitive!
I don’t enjoy participating in competitive sports other than perhaps very low level team games where my above or below average contribution won’t make or break the experience for anyone.
But I enjoy watching and cheering and always have. I think it’s sad that kids who excel at certain things aren’t celebrated and encouraged to develop their skills. We all need to be good at different things for the world to keep spinning.
I’m a good cheer person, I’m kind, compassionate and supportive, and someday I’ll be celebrated for those skills.
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Winning matters, but it’s NOT everything. At a championship finals such as you described Yes, win at all costs. but at your local soccer/netball game, let other kids have a turn so you can see it’s a TEAM thing. It is also really important to learn how to lose, and saturday sport is awesome for that. BTW, it’s funny but dancing in eisteddfods is NEVER about having fun, and is ALL about winning.
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I don’t have kids, but when I was one myself I was always very competitive playing sport. I still am today. Even when I played saturday sport in primary school I was in it to win it (even though the point of this was more about participation). I think that if kids are playing sport for fun, or if are new to it and are trying new things, great! Its about giving it a go and having fun. But if they are very skilled and excel and make top teams then it becomes more about winning. This is why i think grading teams is good- then the more sporty/skilled ones aren’t “held back” by those who are just playing for fun. At my hockey club, they have a “everyone who wants to play will be on a team” policy, but the teams are graded, and rightfully so- I cannot imagine myself, an average player being placed in the top team with the state/national level players!
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Last year in NSW a teen Rugby League team had a slightly disabled player. In one game the opposition players made a pact that if this boy got the ball he would be allowed to score a try.
He did get the ball, and after a series of missed tackles he scored the try. Parents and coaches were blown away!
Kids do know that “winning” is important!
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I’m sorry but I’m really over the “kids and parents need to toughen up” brigade. Invariably the parents who are against giving everyone a ribbon are the ones who have kids who excel at something, whether it be sport, academia, music etc. What about the kids who excel at nothing – who are absolutely average or below at everything. These kids exist and are usually the ones who don’t have parents advocating for them either. It’s time society got over its obsession with winning and being the best and started recognising what real achievement is – being kind and unselfish towards others, overcoming personal challenges, meeting personal goals. Schools perpetuate such an ugly side of human nature – the need for endless competitions, popularity contests (school captain elections) and accolades for achievements which really have far more to do with genetics and background than anything else. All these practices do is glorify already privileged children to the detriment of those who really would benefit from some public recognition. However, when schools try to adopt policies to redress this imbalance they invariably come up against opposition from middle class parents whose only concern is to see their children succeed and publicly aknowledged, even if it is to the detriment of others.
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I have a child who has learning and motor skill issues, who doesnt have anything (at this point in time) that he is above average at – so, one of those kids you seem to be referring to in your comment. But i don’t think kids who are good at things should be denied the accolades they deserve just because my son isn’t good at those things too.
And he is no worse off just because some kid beat him in a race, or because he didn’t get a ribbon for showing up on sports day.
When it comes to encouraging the values you mention, that is my job to instill those things in him. What does having kids in his class who play competitive level sports that he isnt good at, have to do with whether or not he gets recognised for being a good person?
I’m not trying to be snarky, I just honestly don’t understand what people think is going to be achieved by taking away any competitiveness just because not every child is going to excel in those competitions.
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Love this article Em. I totally agree. We should condition our girls (and boys) to be competitive if it is already in their nature. Let’s not be ashamed of wanting to be the best, but always focus on being the best we can be.
More fun all round!
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So the kids who were actually competing had already figured out what was going on and come up with a solution everyone was happy with, until the PC Brigade marched in and stuffed everything up?
From reading the comments below, I have to strongly disagree that the less fast girl will gain confidence from being allowed to compete. She will be aware that it was her inclusion that cost the team, and will be aware that the other girls know this too. She’ll feel embarrassed, guilty and anxious.
The other girls will feel resentful of the adult intrusion, and guilty that they now resent their team mate.
Save the “everybody gets a turn” mentality for primary school sports day, these kids put in a lot of effort and deserve to progress in competitive level sports.
I went for a job recently where I had to participate in a group exercise, where the first of us to figure out a problem got more time to prepare a brief talk before the group. Shoud I have informed them that that wasn’t fair? That we should all have had the same prep time? Or maybe that we should all be given the role, because hey, at least we turned up?
Fact is, people who work hard and are talented, go further. Life, y’all. (Oh, I got the job).
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I’m with you Em. If you are investing time and money into something then you are right to want to see results. At that level it shouldn’t be about having fun. The kids want to win so the parents should be encouraging it. If your too slow then too bad. Practice harder. I know that sounds mean but it’s a fact of reality. Work harder to get results.
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Oh Em, I love your writing!
“…on the inside I am a hard line, psycho stage Mum, internally fist pumping every time my brilliant daughter wins a race. On the outside I think I read as a supportive, slightly nutty, enthusiastic Mum with an eye twitch.”
I love it!
I absolutely believe in being rewarded on merit, not participation and having a good time. It’s the way the world works! We are doing our kids a disservice if we don’t teach them this, and it will be a terribly rude shock to hit the real world at the end of school and not have a clue. My gripe is with Merit Certificates. I worked my butt off as a kid and was proud of every single certificate I got. These days, each child gets one per term. When my daughter receives one now, it totally takes the shine off it – you never know if she deserved it or it was just her turn.
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Why cant I do more than one ‘Like’!!!
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I pity the kid who was a bit slower and might now be feeling that she has let her team down.
I was not good at sports. I would have been that kid. I would have wanted to sit it out so that my team could get ahead.
Sport should be fun – for those in it for the competition and acclaim are getting a different sort of enjoyment out of it than the rest of us. Although I wasn’t good at sport I still had to play it and learn to cope with being quite hopeless at it. It hasn’t really affected my enjoyment of sport itself because I still enjoy the rush during exercise and I also enjoyed hanging out with my friends and playing netball.
You wouldn’t have told a kid like Leyton Hewitt or Ian Thorpe to just play for fun and set them up against the kids like myself in their age group. They would have wanted to do more and compete with people that gave them a run for their money.
I actually feel similarly for the elite children of any particular field. Academics/sport/performing/music/dance/art. Some of us are in it for the fun and giggles (or, lets be honest, tolerating it because school gets you to try a lot of different stuff), others are getting something more from the competition and performance improvement. I think kids are pretty smart at working out that not everyone can be the best.
I remember reading about an interview with a girl that was an amazing musician who practised long hours every day. She was asked ‘how did her parents get her practice?’ and her reply was (paraphrasing) ‘huh? you mean how did they make me eat or sleep?’. A kid with that sort of drive and talent often needs and wants some competition and extra coaching to achieve their own goals.
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There is a place for fun and a place for competition. I listened to the radio and I agree that children need to know they have to try their best, and that their best may not always result in winning but that they can still feel good about their efforts. Being mediocre doesn’t get you to the Olympics, winning an Oscar or to the CEO of a company … Simple as that
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Little Athletics, by its own Codes of Conduct, IS a place for fun. Individual athletes who excel will get their chance to excel at individual zone and state championships at the end of the season, or individual multi-event champs. The relays, while having some performance-based selection process, should give as many kids as possible a chance to compete. When parents sign their kids up they agree to abide by the code of conduct.
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But this from my understanding in the article it was a regional try out, not a Little Athletics fun day? In that situation the best team should have been picked, now the slower girl will know she was the reason all her team mates lost and that will not do her self confidence any good. The kids had already worked it out without a code of conduct!! They knew what they had to do to progess!!
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I recently watched an amazing documentary called Town Of Runners that follows two friends; Hawaii and Alemi from the town of Bekoji in Ethiopia. Population 15 000.
There have been 8 Olympic Gold’s, 10 World Records and 32 World Championships won from this small town alone. Why? Because the kids are hard working and tenacious.
Alemi, one of the girls in the doco is seemingly the slower of the two, the less ‘talented’. And then something amazing happens, about 2 years in. She loses races but is trusted and given opportunities because her hard work is recognised. Suddenly it becomes clear, that the longer distances are her forte.
It saddens me, that the ‘slower’ girl in your daughters relay was ready to bow out and that you as a parent, intent on winning were ready to let her. Who is to say that the least ‘talented’ at this stage in her young life, could not become the most talented?
What we should be teaching kids is to work hard and to never give up. Kids should be taught to work as a team and to support each other. Watch this doco to understand how these Ethiopian kids are doing it and then take a long look at what we are instilling in our own.
http://youtu.be/EaWYFaxErWk
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I am a primary teacher myself and get mixed feelings about this. Recently we had an interschool sports day where the basketball teams I was in charge of had a real mix of abilities as everyone participated in a sport. One of the teams made it to the semi finals. During the heats I ensured I used a rotational policy but my problem came when fairness could mean not advancing. I am competitive myself and see the merit of doing your best but also being fair. I talked to the kids and as you said they were realistic and made the decision to play the best team for most of the game and if they were winning comfortably changes would be made. I believe that kids have got heads on there shoulders and need to put their best foot forward. If that means some may miss out for a short time, everyone has their strengths I say!!!
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I have 3 sporty sons. Nothing annoys me more than parents who take the competitiveness out of sport. If it’s a competitive sport, let the bloody kids compete. If you want your kids to just join in and have fun, choose an appropriate activity with them and persue that. It’s not fair to leave people out, but it’s also not fair that the competitive kids get held back in the name of fairness.
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Here, here!!! Let’s face it…it is Little Athletics who’s motto is Fun, Family, Fitness…not win, win, win…it’s about participation and personal bests. If the only objective is winning then every team except one has failed. One of the best things I have seen watching children sports was at Regional School Sport cross country where one student had a heavy fall at the beginning of the race. Another girl from the same school turned back and helped her. This later girl went on to win the race. We need to teach kids that sport is a life long pursuit. If the only objective is winning then most kids will stop sport. No wonder we are suffering as a nation from obesity. Lets face it, few of our kids will be Olympic Athletes but most can go on to live an active, healthy life in which sport is more than an armchair activity but only if they can instil a positive, lifelong love of sport for enjoyment.
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This was actually meant in reply to Chris.
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My child is competing at an elite level of sport and is fact currently ranked number one nationally.
I can tell you it is not about fun and fairness at this level – there’s too much bloody hard work (for her) and money (for me) to be fun – or fair. Everyone is competing for the top spot on the podium.
My child competes as a representative of her country overseas and I can tell you it is not fun and games at his level, even though my child is not yet 15. It is deadly serious.
I wonder about it and often I hate what this sport has done – to my chid and our family. But it’s also provided an opportunity that few will have.
As long as she has a passion and wants to compete I will support her.
Serious competitive sport is a whole other world and one I could never have imagined in those innocent early days when it started out as “fun”.
I wish those days we’re still there.
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Gymnastics?
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Agree agree agree!! At my kids school, there are no ribbons on sports carival days. Everyone just has a turn. For example, everyone gets 3 jumps each at high jump and thats it. No first, second or third. Just moved onto the next event.. Such rubbish.
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Ugh, how tedious!
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At school we always had two comps for each event – one was for kids who wanted to compete and make the interschool team – the other was for kids who just wanted to have some fun. It worked well (although on a side note the teachers were always on the look out for fun loving kids who had ability and quickly sent them over to the competative sections). I’m surprised that this isn’t the case in all schools.
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For the long term health reasons, wide participation is far more important than winning for children. Exceptions can be made for elite sport, but otherwise the emphasis should always be on getting as many people participating rather than winning.
A decade or two after a child finishes school no one is going to care if they came 1st or last in random U/14 competition. But if more people are continuing to play sport and exercise into middle age and beyond because it was fun at school and continues to be there’s a huge benefit to society.
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This may be true, but kids aren’t idiots. They know when they’re being patronised in performance, and the kids that are held back because of “fairness” let them know it too.
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Yes they’ll feel “held back” if they believe the primary goal of sport is to win rather than participating, having fun and each individual doing the best that they can. Children who value the latter few are much more likely to continue playing sport as inevitably the majority will never be able to win consistently.
And there’s no need to patronise – I’m not a supporter of “everyone-gets-a-prize”, but you can do things like reward them for how much they have improved. What’s more impressive – someone who is the fastest in their class (which especially in the early years is very dependent on age and how fast their bodies are maturing relative to others), or someone who consistently improves their personal best time?
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Chris, not true! I still have all of my first, second and third ribbons from primary and high school and my mum and I still talk about me winning them over a couple of drinks – I’m 42 now and totes agree with Em
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I don’t necessarily agree Chris. I wasn’t great at sport, couldn’t be bothered as a kid really. I use to walk every cross country just to make a point! (awful child!)
As an adult, I have started running and do around 30 – 40 kilometres per week just for the enjoyment of it and the health benefits it affords me. What you do as a kid doesn’t always dictate how things will be for the rest of your life.
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Kids are kids, and should play sport for fun. Letting everyone “have a go” whatever their capabilities teaches those who have “stage parents” that it is OK to be apart of a team, to consider others and that if they lose, at least they all tried, Like the old cliche – winning is everything – it’s how you play the game. There is plenty of time to ‘play to win’ when they are older, but at 10,11 or even 15 – let them just get out there, have fun and stay fit without all the b/s of trying to keep competitive soccer Mums & Dads happy
Have a bit of compassion for the not-so- great- at- sport -kid Having their turn will instill confidence, understanding that all TEAM members should be included will instill some sense of ethics into the other kids. If you want your child to be that competitive at 10 and that focused, chose an individual sport and not a team one.
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Have to disagree with you. By the ages of 10, 11 or even 15, most kids who are serious about sport are competitive. They do not want to play on ungraded teams just for fun. They do not want trophies just for participation, they want to earn them.
I have two sons, both excellent sportsmen. One played rep cricket from U10 through to U16. He also played state cricket, which you don’t get to just playing for fun. He played rep soccer and rep rugby. The other son is just as talented, but has stuck with just soccer. Doesn’t want to play rep because he wants to play with his mates. That’s fine by us. The team he does play in, though, plays to win.
We are doing our children no favours by de-emphasising all competition. Some of them will be in for a very rude shock as they progress through life thinking that just participating is enough.
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My kids play in junior rugby. All the boys know exactly what the score is, who won, etc and it certainly isn’t the parents keeping score (as we aren’t allowed to)!
Lots of the parents on the sidelines have commented on it – it just seems to be an in-built thing in these kids! It’s not just our club either – you can see and hear the opposition saying exactly the same thing!
Our kids are playing for fun, but they are also very competitive.
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totally agree Em… plus i love LOVE the way you write how I think, no bull S—. Incidentally in all this hype to be fair, usually the less fast one who ‘brought the team down’ ends up feeling really bad about it anyway, especially if they all agreed that was the course of action (Kudos to the girls for having sensible discussions!!!)
So all in all, agreed 100%
This wasn’t the school sports day afterall!
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For very young kids, or at entry level in sports I think the ‘everyone gets a go’ participation approach is great. After all, we want to encourage kids to get out and give new sports a go, and to be more active. I think it’s great to encourage kids to join in with sports even if their ability and skill excludes them from competing at the sport they love.
But we also need to give kids who genuinely excel at sport the opportunity to pursue that competitively.
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I totally agree with you on the young kids front. At that age it should just be about participation without the stress of being super co-ordinated or having a clue about what is actually going on!
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I was not good at sports as a kid and I was fully aware of it without needing to be told by anyone. My competitive edge came out in academics.
I see your dilemna Em. As a parent, don’t you want your child to find their passion, don’t you want your child to find something they excel at and follow through with it?
I think it’s a difficult situation because building a child’s self esteem is important but shouldn’t you draw the line at telling them they excel at a level that they perhaps do not? Is that helping your kid? And do you want your kid to be the reason their team does not succeed?
I was never told I was not good at anything but I was certainly encouraged more in the areas where my skills were greater. I do the same for my own kids. I encourage all their interests but some I encourage a little more than others.
In saying that, I do think there is a difference between competitive sports and recreational sports. For example, the kids soccer club runs teams right up to level G so they can compete against kids with similar skills.
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Another element which isn’t really addressed here, is the assumption that winning and achieving is a solitary pursuit.
One of the life skills it is advisable to develop is the ability to work as part of a team. That means embracing everyone’s strengths and weaknesses.
Team work means playing your part for success as a whole. You learn to work to your strengths towards the required goal. It’s not necessarily about having a “star” who plays badly with others. It’s about everyone working towards the same goal. The forward may be no good as defence. The goalie doesn’t need to be a fast sprinter, but has other skills they’re bringing to the table.
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When there is a competition there is only one winner, and we all know it.
I think of Achievement Awards more as a reminder to the teacher that there is value in each student, rather than having them focus only on the smartest, the politest, the smarmiest, and/or their favourite.
Some children can be so annoying that it is good for everyone to take a deep breath and a step back sometimes. And if they are annoying because they have low self esteem issues, even better that they should get a pat on the back for a change.
There is a balance somewhere here. Although it beats me quite where.
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Well said Em! You want to do well in an exam – study..hard! You want to win a race…train till it hurts. There is nothing wrong with working hard and reaping the rewards of it, that’s what your life will be from the day you leave school. This issue is so frustrating! Yes it is important to be involved and enjoy it, but you can still do well and should try to. And if you work hard and don’t win, that’s ok too, and it is important that you had a good time and did your best. But what’s wrong with trying? Go for the win kids, and if you lose do it graciously, because once you leave school that is reality.
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Love your writing Em and love the issue you’ve raised. It’s a tricky one. To me, one of the clues is how as adults we refer to our kids’ sports teams as “we” – as in “we won”. Yet it’s the kids playing not the grown-ups. I played tons of sport growing up and my parents were far too busy time-keeping or chatting with their mates to get involved. Let the kids vote among themselves I say – if anything, it builds their resilience and decision making.
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This comment reminds me of an old episode of Seinfeld which stuck in my mind:
People come home from these games, “We won! We won!”
No, they won – you watched.
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Why is it always the parent of the weaker kid who insists on fairness? I have never heard the parent of a competitive kid urge someone to “just have a go”. Kids learn their behaviours from their parents. All my kids are competitive (which doesn’t necessarily mean they always win) because I am. I try to moderate my response if one of my kids doesn’t make the A team or performs poorly, but at the end of the day I think my kids appreciate my honest response. That way, when they are praised for excelling, they know they have really earned it. I agree with you Em, and am sick of average becoming the new norm.
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It’s not the parent of the weaker kid who always insists on fairness.
Some of the best examples of bad sportsmanship I have seen have come from “better athletes – and their parents. While I can easily come up with a number of examples, a nice illustration was the reaction my daughter received in year six when she came first in the 50 m breast-stroke race. Held over heats, no grand final due to time constraints…
Mother of the child who came second, when the winner was announced over the PA, said to her daughter (who was very sporty, and usually won most sporting comps) :”the teachers have obviously made a mistake, we’ll go sort it out”. My child was standing directly behind the mother….
Never mind my daughter had been in swimming lessons/training since 3…
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if you are involved in community and club level for juniors it is not about the competition. If you are involved in something more advanced and competitive then healthy competition is part of this.
all comes down to COMMUNICATION!
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What a small world Em- I thought your voice sounded familiar! I watched the state triple jump with you (Chella was against my little sister Jemma!)
Winning is so important! Fun is great but at a competitive level winning does matter.
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Hi I am 9 and participated in the under 10 girl’s regional relays on the weekend too. We had 6 girls in our team, running in three races, 4 x 200, 4 x 100, and the Medley. We all run in two races…to be FAIR!! We all trained so we all ran. We came third in the 4x 200 so didn’t make state but came first in the Medley and second in the 4 x100 final and we’re all going to state. I think this is about you not your daughter. I had heaps of fun on Sunday with my friends. I guess maybe you can’t see that. I played and cheered for the other teams in my club. There were even some other kids from my school in other clubs and I cheered them on too. If we didn’t make state we would have still had a great day. It’s about being there, having a go, getting fit and having fun. Winning isn’t everything.
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Phoebe you sound like a lovely girl with a great attitude and I would be very proud if you were part of my club
Good luck at States!
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Depends if you are talking about club sports or regional or state level sports.
My kids play soccer.
If it’s club sports, then I expect everyone (who regularly turns up to training) to get a fair go and equal time on the field. This includes the final. You don’t get better if you don’t get time on the field. As a parent , I’m paying for my kid to to participate, it’s not just a free payment to help the community club balance its financial books.
If you’re looking at regional or state sports it’s a different kettle of fish. However, having said that with Regional athletics you may not even have the fastest four or five kids in the athletics club on the relay team.
There’s a balance somewhere between winning at all costs, and enjoying sports for sports sake.
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Definitely agree on the “people who show up to training get on the field first” – even if you’re a star player, if you don’t put in the hard yards, tough luck.
And once you’re away from club level, it’s selection based on skill anyway, so I don’t see why this teacher/parent felt the need for it to all be fair.
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Good point about the time spent training translating to more on field time. I play in an indoor netball comp, where there is a rule that if you reach the finals, all players must have played at least 5 competition games. There is some leeway, but in a comp of about 20 weeks, it’s not hard to reach.
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I can’t think of a comp that I’ve played in over nearly 30 years (in a few sports) where they didn’t have that rule or a variation on it.
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oh my goodness you should write about the “ugly parent syndrome” its rife at my club. makes me sick and really not want to go. im scared.
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I get very sad with this kind of attitude at times, My oldest son was doing the very best he could ( and must have been doing great as other teams asked him to play for them ) but then the coach of the local cricket club decided that he would be on my sons case all season after dumping him off of the team and then begging him to come back ( all decisions were left up to my son on this) Now even though several other local cricket teams have asked him to play my son has said ” nope, why ? I dont need the greif) I was happy my son was active and playing a sport he loved but the coach killed that love and now we struggle to keep him active. My other son is an additional needs child and struggles with daily interactions so I do struggle with the idea of him going into a competitive sport as he will have to work 3 times harder than children without his learning difficulties.
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Em,
you talk about the kids knowing which kid was the fastest and who deserved to be in the team, despite efforts by adults to “make it fair”. Kids always know when the system has been rigged. And if it has, they lose faith in it completely – the winners know they didn’t deserve to win and the real winner feels ripped off.
And why is it okay to do this with sport but nobody would dream of doing it with academic results? The same kids win the academic awards year in year out (because they’re smart and work hard) and nobody ever complains about that being unfair. It’s such a strange politically-correct thing to do, and to me reeks of helicopter parenting.
Kids get self esteem from success just as they get resilience from the things they’re not good at. If your kid is good at sport, I don’t see why that success gets taken from them. And if one kid isn’t so great at sport, find them something they ARE good at instead of cheating someone else. I took a bunch of kids abseiling yesterday, and the most unlikely girl in the group was the bravest, most eager kid to throw herself off a cliff. And she knew it – she had a smile from here to next week. Every kid can be great at something, it’s just a matter of finding it.
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Great comment, but there are times when the academic awards are shared out as well. I remember being told in year 9 that I had tied with another girl for top of history, but because I had topped 2 other subjects and she didn’t, they gave it to her. Same with Student of the Week – everyone, even the kids in grade 1, knows it is just shared around between all kids during the year. I know this isn’t strictly an academic award, but it’s similar.
I totally agree about finding something you are good at – everyone has a talent. I was lucky and was good at academia and sport (well, some sports – I can’t hit a tennis ball to save my life). My sister was good at theatre (sport was just not her thing, still isn’t). It was difficult for her though because theatre didn’t have the same levels of competition. I got both full and half colours for my sport, but she had to really fight to get colours for theatre/drama because she didn’t have clear-cut competitions (such as state titles) to “win”. It would be great if there were some recognitions in areas other than sport and academia.
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What are full and half colours?
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Hmm tricky. I think participation is the key for all base/entry level sports but if children wish to compete beyond that level and progression rely’s on performance then common sense must prevail and the highest achieving children should be selected. We don’t pick Olympic teams based on fairness (nick darcy ring a bell) so for an aths competition leading to state trials it is naive to have a rotation system with little regard for results. Children entering competitive sports need to be given a fair and honest picture of what they are getting themselves into by being part of competitive sport.
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I think there is a time and place for sport to be about fun and inclusion,such as, school carnivals (in the age races), school sports lessons and local sports competitions (there are lower grade competitions for a reason and that is for less than stellar athletes to play for fun against people with similar abilities). However, relay races, finals and elite level competitions (which is what this competition sounds like) should be left for those who excel in this area and really, lets be honest, are about winning. If your child puts their hand up to compete at a higher level, whether that be a representative level or the top grade in a sporting competition, they need to learn what comes with it, that sometimes you are the reserve and that to put the team first you may have to sit out the important games/heats.
While the organising parent had the best of intentions at heart, what she has effectively done is made the slower child have to bear the burden of letting the team down. Even if none of the other children say this to her, most of the time children are acutely aware of how they rank ability wise and even if everyone is wonderful about it there is every chance the child will realise that the need to give her a fair go cost them the chance at a final. So rather than make it fun, she has probably actually sucked the fun out of and compounded the misery of the child she was trying to include .
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Whats the use of playing sport if you don’t want to win! I agree with Em, the best team should hve benn put every time. If ur kid sux at something it’s ok to tell them that. They can hve fun at the end of it.
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