If you have kids, you’ll know the name Mem Fox. She’s the author of some of Australia’s best and most famous kids’ books including Possum Magic and Where Is The Green Sheep (he’s asleep under a bush and I know this because I have read the book out loud, oh, 328 times).
This week she’s come out with her thoughts about putting babies into childcare. And a storm has predictably erupted.
Here is what she said:
PUTTING babies into child care is a form of child abuse, children’s author Mem Fox has claimed.
Ms Fox, author of Possum Magic,
said she believed that parents who planned to inflict long, stressful
hours of child care on their babies should question whether they should
have children."I just tremble," she said. "I don’t know why some people have children at all if they know that they can take only a few weeks off work.
"I know you want a child, and you have every right to want a child,
but does the child want you if you are going to put it in child care at
six weeks? I don’t think the child wants you, to tell the honest truth.
"I was talking to someone in child care in Queensland this year. She
said that we’re going to look back on this time from the late ’90s
onwards and wonder how we have allowed that child abuse to happen. It’s
awful for the mothers as well. It’s completely heartbreaking."You actually have to say to yourself, ‘if I have to work this hard
and if I’m never going to see my kid and if they are going to have a
tremendous stress in child care, should I be doing it?’ "Fox, 62, who has a daughter, Chloe, 38, said parents were sometimes distracted by "the trappings" of having a baby.
"When they have the good house, the good car, the good job – we’re
talking about very advantaged people, the high flyers – they think,
‘now we need a baby we can dress up and make look perfect’."But do they realise that child needs love more than anything else
in the world? The child just wants to be held, it wants to have
attention, to be the centre of a universe."
Goodness. There are many people currently frothing at the mouth over her comments and I’m not surprised.
In the past, I would have been frothing too. Before I had kids, I was
angrily dismissive of anyone who dared raise the subject of any
potential negative impact on babies who are put into daycare at an
early age. As a feminist, I always believed it was the right of every
woman to ‘have it all’ – a career and kids. But it’s not that easy, is it?
Parents (particularly mums) who have to put their babies into care are – I imagine – already consumed by guilt. All mums are pretty much guilty – it kicks in straight after the placenta comes out…… Rubbing salt into the guilt wound is not something I’m keen to do.
But just because comments like Mem’s are hard to hear, doesn’t mean we should silence them. Or condemn those who raise the point that it’s not ideal for young babies to be in daycare. There is an interesting piece in the Fairfax papers today about some of the research into the effects of daycare on babies. You can read it here.
It’s not a choice I would make for my own kids but I have the luxury of not being forced into making that choice. When I went back to work, I was fortunate enough to be able to use a combination of one-on-one care at home with a nanny and also one-on-one care with grandmothers. I recognise how incredibly lucky I was to not have to make the difficult decision about daycare for my kids.
For many, many families, deciding when the mother returns to work is not a philosophical decision but a financial necessity.
And for this I blame successive governments who have refused to implement proper paid parental leave. This is a scandal and it is so tragic that most parents are so busy juggling our work/family balls, we don’t have time or energy to agitate politically for this most basic right.
There will always be people who believe daycare is bad for young children, people who believe it’s fine and those who have no choice if they want to put food on the table.
But instead of turning on each other, we should turn on the government and get angry about the fact that so many families have no choice but to put their babies into childcare. When will we join the rest of the western world (except the US) who have paid maternity leave? And why the hell is it taking so long.
Mr Rudd? Don’t disappoint us. So far, by refusing to even put this on the agenda, you have.
Comments
38 Comments so far
Pingback: Is ‘nanny-state’ the new ‘politically correct’? | Mamamia – Clear The Air News Tobacco Blog
loading...
The thing to remember is that all families are different. My youngest girl (now 18 months) started in daycare 2 days a week from 10 months and has now dropped to 1 day. She is very shy and frightened of most people outside the family, so it is a real joy to have a centre that is like an extention of our family. My daughter smiles and waves goodbye to me at 7am and has a lovely day playing with her friends until I pick her up at 5pm. Daycare has improved her social skills and she is much more confindent and independant. I truly believe the girls who look after her love my daughter. Daycare, like everything else is about getting it right. Getting the right amount of days at the right centre. Once you do that, your child can really be happy at home and in care. Just as there is little point having children if you never spend time with them, there is little point having children if you never ENJOY the time you spend with them. Being a stay at home parent doesn’t automatically equate to loving your children or spending quality time with them.
loading...
As a childcare worker I see children who are in care from 7am until 5:30-6pm and I do worry about them sometimes. Too me if makes a huge difference if the parents when they pick their children are genuinely happy to see them and actually make time to spend time with them at home and have special days with them. The children who really do seem to struggle are those whose parents treat picking them up from daycare to be an absolute chore and don’t seem to get any enjoyment from their children.
Myself personally I hope that when I have children that when I have children I hope that I do not have to go back to work or if I do I hope I can go back part time.
P.s Don’t even get me started on parents who don’t work yet put their children in childcare full-time. Drives me insane
loading...
Yep totally agree (also work in childcare)
The parents who totally do my head in are the ones who don’t work and put their children in care for 2-3 days a week for a “me day”……..give me break!!
loading...
I can understand if a family is struggling to pay the basic bills and keep a roof over their head/ food in their mouths and therefore there is no choice but to go back to work. However, I find it hard to get my head around the cases where money is not such an issue and the women just want to be back at work as soon as possible as though nothing has changed or the couple want to keep sustaining the same lifestyle they had pre-baby (o/s holidays, newest gadgets, keeping up with the Jones’ etc)and therefore put money ahead of investing time in their babies life early on.
My partners best friends were an example of the couple who weren’t willing to sacrifice their lifestyle. They had made the choice to renovate their house while she was pregnant and as a result put themselves in the position where they were reliant on a double income to sustain the lifestyle they had created.
Three months after the birth they put their little boy into full time daycare so that the mother could go back to work to cover all the costs they had accumulated and keep on sustaining that lifestlye. I was on holidays staying with them the week that it happened and could see how distressed she was about it. I really wonder about the emotional effects on the child at such a young age too.
I couldn’t help wonder that they might look back in 10 years time and question if those renovations/ new gadgets etc etc was really worth the sacrifice of not spending more time bonding with her little boy in the first years of his life.
I know life can throw things at you that your not expecting but I hope if we have a child that we won’t have put ourselves in a position where we have financailly over extended ourselves and are reliant on a double income to pay all the bills. Little kids don’t care if you have a lino floor or a brand new timber one but they will remember and be influenced by the time that you invested in their lives.
loading...
I’ve always had the view that if you are going to have kids, why throw them in childcare?
I think childcare probably does have its place (1 day a week because you have no family support or grandparents to help is understandable). But throwing your kids in childcare from 6 weeks of age just so you can go to work when you really don’t need to work is just selfish IMO. Why have a child in the first place?
If you know you are going to want to go back to work once you have a child, then don’t have one in the first place. My daughter has never been in childcare and never will – something I’m very proud of.
I agree with Mem Fox. You might want your kids but do they want you if you’re throwing them in childcare full time?
loading...
Bit harsh
loading...
I am a dad and wouldn’t put my child, that I love more than anything in the world for financial reasons. I would rather tough it out. My son would turn out loveless and possibly down the line be harmed by association with some impersonal carer. Mums are nurturers and if they aren’t nurturing, the nurturing breasts turn cancerous. I know this is free thinking and not a populist view but I saw a video of a physicist being interviewed who researched the breast cancer phenomenon (which I might add has no cure or identification of causes thus far, yet the money rolls in to breast cancer institution for useless research at a rate of knots) and found that most breast cancer developed from the lack of nurturing spirit of ones child. Yes ladies, like it or not. Single women without babies have a choice to work, mums don’t. Women are hard wired to have babies and nurture them, not just have them. This is the grandest and noblest position/designation/job/employment/social status/career on planet earth, yet it is still considered to be a lowly position in the heirachal scheme of things. The global financial snobbery coupled with feminazi equality struggles have literally afforded our beautiful women no choice but to work and sadder, leave their kids in child care. Child care is out of control. One wonders why! Paying mums handsomely for looking after our next generation would leave a gap that our men could fill. Unemployment would fall and women wouldn’t get breast cancer. Simple common sense, no mystery. Actually it is the same with macho men. They died young like the Malboro men that didn’t have one ounce of their feminine side in their lungs. This study has been well documented if you want to find and free think research instead of being spoon fed, whatever. If smoking caused lung cancer everyone who smoked would die from it. Yet not all smokers die from cigarettes. Most, I repeat most smokers don’t die from cigarettes. I hate mob mentality, or follow the leader.
No woman should suffer breast removal or chemo which kills more women than the breast cancer they were in for. There’s no dignity following such an ordeal. It is beyond the intelligentsia to ever fathom this analysis, but what is at stake, righteousness or health and happiness.?
There is no equality. Always been that way. Nature isn’t equal and neither are we. Men teach woman and women teach men what the other doesn’t have and each nurture that quality that only either side have. This way both sexes can live and love each other instead of focusing on ignorance where males and females compete uselessly on where they stand in relationships. I enjoy treating women with respect but not when they don’t act like women but corporate brats. Women have no choices when kids are involved. You have kids, you look after them – with love and kindness. Simple?, you betcha.
Trust me, I’m not a doctor.
loading...
S… have a chat to your GP or local child health nurse to check his developmental milestones. I wouldn’t want to comment on online, obviously not knowing your child. Good luck
loading...
Lu: Now that I have calmed down I think you have hit the nail on the head in your comment at 10.06am.
loading...
ah, errgh, what is happening with Mia’s discussion boards ? I just posted to a ten plus comment list, only to see it reduced to a three comment list….
loading...
melanie, marry me!
loading...
Right on, Angela!
loading...
I agree with Melanie, allot of families these days are living beyond there means they want everything new and the only way to get it is by both parents working full-time.
It seems allot of parents have sacrificed the years that can’t be replaced to keep up with the Jones’.
I’m not saying its wrong to put your child in care, but, 5 days a week 8 hours a day – why would you bother having them for that?
loading...
I meant to say paid parenting leave – sorry !
loading...
Paid paternal leave will only be of benefit to our children if it is compulsory to take for a certain period of time eg 12 months or 18 months. Theres no point having it available if people only take for the length of time that they want to take it for and end up back at work and using childcare after only a few months.
loading...
When I dropped my 3 kids (aged 4, 3 and 1) at childcare this morning they all gave me a kiss and smiled and waved at me as I left. No crying or begging me not to go. The one (almost 2) year old was having so much fun painting that I had to say goodbye 3 times before he gave me a distracted wave. They love it there. I went to LOTS of centres before I found the one for me. If they were at home with me they wouldn’t be getting the stimulation they get there.
I would plonk them in front of the tv sometimes because I need to work. I need to maintain my skills and keep on top of new products and standards in my industry.
I originally planned to work at home with the kids here but it wouldn’t work without a lot of tv babysitting. At daycare they learn a lot, they do lots of craft and artwork they wouldn’t do with me, they socialise, they learn structure and routine, they have fun.
I am happy and they are happy.
Not child abuse in my book.
loading...
Thanks for posting on this Mia. I also agree that Mem Fox has gone too far in saying that childcare is akin to child abuse but I’m happy to see people finally talking about children’s well-being, and not just parent’s rights to work, in regard to childcare.
I have an 18 month old son and also work in early childhood policy so I am racked with mum guilt every time I read new research or write about the benefits of being at home with an infant. There is compelling research showing that children need loving continuous one to one interactions with one caregiver. But there are a few caveats on this which we need to keep in mind – 1. this care does not necessarily have to be given by a mother as children can benefit just as much from being looked after by their father or grandparent. 2. children from disadvantaged homes can benefit more from good quality childcare than being at home, and 3. let’s not confuse childcare with preschool, as good quality preschool from the age of three and on has significant benefits for most children.
So let’s not turn this into a fight between working and stay at home mums. Instead, we need to get angry at governments who have thrown millions of dollars into childcare with little thought on how to support services provide quality care or whether paid parental leave would be a better investment. At the moment the Australian Government is reviewing the framework for early education and care and the Productivity Commission will hand down its draft recommendations on paid parental leave later this month, giving us perfect opportunities to have our say!
loading...
I don’t think it is a form of child abuse (it has its place for sure) but I certainly think we could do better. There are always choices in life, and although there are outside forces to blame as well, the truth of it is that we all want our cake and eat it too.
Our houses are bigger than ever before. We feel we need to aquire more crap than ever before. We take out loans so both parents can have “good” cars (instead of settling for a $1000 bomb that still goes anyway). Who would even consider not getting a tv that is less than 40 inches wide?
I’m not saying everyone is like this but society shows (Look! It’s ALL AROUND US!) that we spend more and more time working our arses off for crap we don’t need. We NEED shelter, food, air and clothing. Education is a bonus too. But we don’t NEED any of the other crap. Sure, it’s nice, but in the end we spend more time working harder and longer hours to pay for it all.
I know the issue isn’t that simple, but it is at least one aspect that we can be responsible for and change as one reason why we can’t look after our own kids, is it not?
loading...
I think it’s really good that we’re discussing this and that we all realize everyone’s in a different situation. I feel like our generation has a bit of a mess to clean up here so the next generations know they can’t have it all but are informed about their choices. I do believe the start of this is fully paid maternity leave for twelve months and better options in work places for pregnant women and women returning to the workforce. I think we need to keep pushing the government on what is important to us as a society and as the mothers in this country. The really sad part is so much of this has been created by corporate greed.
loading...
We live across the road from a small ‘high quality’ childcare centre – I understand the fees are over $100 per day. We have come to recognise the cars that come and go from the centre each day, some with very young children inside. I’m sure many of these families believe they have no choice but to do what they do. However when you are driving your baby to daycare in a Porsche Cayenne or BMW X5 I beg to differ.
I’m all for throwing financial support at families who genuinely need it. I understand there are people out there doing it tough who genuinely have no choice but to return to work when their babies are young. Lets give them all the help in the world to make their lives easier. But I think there are many people who have been conditioned to believe that they need certain material things and in order to pay for them their children are coming off second best. These are the people I think Mem was referring to when encouraging people to question how they raise their kids. Kids dont have a choice but many parents do.
loading...
btw, THANK YOU for the posts everyone. it’s helped take the guilt off a bit… specially the thing about knowing YOUR family balance – no two kids, or mums or families are the same… so true. and so good to be reminded of that…
loading...
oooh, Kate, i may need to talk to you… am slightly worried about my second child’s speaking abilities… he’s 20 months old, and well, i know i shouldn’t compare but… his sister just said SOO much more at his age… should i be worried? i keep reading about it, but get told different things in different places… they do hear FOUR languages at home, which i guess doesn’t help…
sorry about the post invasion. but yeah, if you could at least direct me somehwere for more GOOD info, that would be great, kate! thaaanks!
loading...
I am a speech pathologist and research has shown that child care can be beneficial for language development certain circumstances.
loading...
Does this woman not realise that some couples cannot afford to be on one income for 5 years?
I would never put my child into daycare at 6 weeks, but there is no way we could afford to be in one income for 5 years, we would just not be able to pay the mortgage let alone buy food and petrol etc. I would LOVE to, its just not a possibility financially. This article just makes me feel like even more of a horrible person because I HAVE to put my child in daycare. Way to go Mem, its not like we dont feel quilty enough already.
loading...
I have to say that am constantly surprised and delighted by the thought and the insight that posters here put into their comments, and the respectful way people respond to each other.
I agree wholeheartedly re the silly use of the ‘child abuse’ phrase, and with the posters that talk about every situation being different. In fact, there is very little in the posts above that I don’t agree with (a rare occurance). I have to say that I think 6 weeks is too young – but who am I to judge what might be an impossible situation for someone? A lot of people probably think 6 months is too young also, but as someone who was suffering from post-natal shock, brought on in part by being isolated at home, going back to work three days a week and putting my little boy in childcare was the only thing that turned me back into the mother I had hoped I would be. And sorry Mem, I just didn’t know before I had him what it would be like. I didn’t do it for a flash car (some of you might remember that I am likely to drive off the road looking at my engagement ring anyway) – just for him and me.
But I don’t think my 1 year old will allow me to give up Green Sheep – the Carmen Miranda sheep makes him giggle every time.
loading...
I find it utterly offensive and outrageous that child abuse has been used to describe child care and feel the need to stand up for child care workers all around Australia. These dedicated people choose to get paid low incomes because they love children and are passionate about providing them will love and learning and although Mem’s comments were directed a ‘abusive’ parents, her comments also are an unconscious slate at those who take the time to pursue a career in child care.
Child abuse is a serious and hideous term used to explain often long term trauma inflicted on children. Parents who choose (or not choose depending on their financial situation) to work and place their children in child care are doing so after deciding what is BEST for their kids and their families and it is reckless to term any decision parents make in the best interests of their child as ‘child abuse’.
There may be lots of research regarding bonding and attachment that shows an increase in issues for children who are not attached to a significant parent, however it is a massive assumption to think children who are sent to childcare at an early age are less likely to not form a bond with their parents. It is also a massive assumption to assume that children who stay at home in the care of their mother/father full time do not experience issues in regards to bonding and attachment.
It depends on how ‘present’ parents are with their child/ren when they are spending time with them that makes a difference in the long term.
It depends on the age of the child but I believe the social interaction and the ability to build relationships with a number of people (both caring adults and other children) is essential in the development of children and helps to build resilience. Resilience is the number one contributing factor that assist young people to successfully get through issues affecting their lives like; stress, exposure to drugs and alcohol, depression, chang, peer pressure etc etc.
I do support the idea that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and through finding an awesome childcare, lots of involvement with caring adults, family and friends, lots of play dates with cousins and kindy mates I am doing my best to build a village around my daughter as I know that I will not be the ‘expert’ for every issues/idea/concern she may have when she gets older but she within that circle of close people she will find someone who can. In the meantime she is a happy and social little girl who loves spending time with her ‘extended family’.
loading...
I don’t think that I’ll be able to read a Mem Fox book for some time now! The thing that gets me hot under the collar is that such views are so black and white when the reality is rarely so simple (if only). Getting the equation right for happy baby, happy mother, happy family is impossible! Every mother, every baby, every family’s circumstances, every childcare type/setting is unique. The nuances are infinite – I balance my guilt as follows: I work three days a week and use an in-home nanny one day and creche the other two days for my two children. My childcare bill is pretty much the same as my wages, but is necessary in the long run as it’s difficult to get back into my industry after a few years off. Before I returned to work I was starting to feel the drudgery of domestic life and I know my relationships with my partner and children are richer now. For now, this is working for our family.
What must it feel like for a full-time working mother who does so out of necessity to read such statements? If only Mem had pondered over these words with the same scrutiny she exacts on her books! We need more constructive discussion like the Herald article please!
loading...
I dislike some terminology: partner. Sounds like a cold bizness deal. what happened to boyfriend. Pre-Nuptial: kills the marriage before it starts by suspicion.
Yes ladies, if you feel guilty? guess what…you are. Drudgery of domestic life. Oh my word, I suspect and respectfully suggest your life is full of drudgeries outside the domestic environment. Payback for decent honesty…hmmm? All child raising equations are the same. Love them by being with them. You are their mum. Fight for inequality because men and women are not born equal. Didn’t you already know this? Fight for parental wages that pay the same as if you were at work. Re-invent the wheel. It was invented as is so change it. Bored mothers could have had babies to rescue boring..oops bored women. We all can’t depend on situations to pick us up. Happiness comes from within and if lost is hard to put back. Find your light and shine. I don’t rely on externals for my happiness. That way I can have externals and know that that’s not what’s making me happy and just have them as possessions.
loading...
My first memory of childcare is a really big place, somewhere a long way from where me and my Mum lived. And at lunch, you got tuna casserole. And it smelled funny, not like the lunches my Mum made. I wasn’t real scared, but I was glad to be home that afternoon. I think I went there three days a weeks. I think it did me good, to mix with the other kids, to smell the tuna casserole, and realise that life exists outside of Mummy and Daddy’s house.
I went to the big school after that, and my Mum often left me a peanut butter sandwich in the laundry in the afternoon, ‘cos she’d be coming home on the bus, and may not be there for me. I was such a big boy! I coped! And, for all the child care, the big school, which all of us have to deal with, and the latch-key sandwiches, I am way too close to my Mum. She knows my inner workings, she knows me through and through. I spent my first four years with my Mum. At 50, it’s still scary how well she knows me as a person. From trivial details, to life changing decisions, this seventy year old woman knows her son. Mia and ladies, take notice!
On the other hand, Dad was in the navy. I met him once, maybe twice, in my first four years. Much as I love him now, and yes, he is still around, he was a scary apparition who would turn up every six months or so, when he’d ‘come ashore’. Maybe this is why I’m happier chatting to Mia and her friends rather than the boofheads across the road in the pub!
BTW, girls you are much better chatterers and writers than most men. Other than professional men, or professional writers, most men either can’t string a sentence together, or couldn’t be bothered. Don’t get me wrong , I love men, well sort of, and respect them, but that’s true, isn’t it ?
A girl once told me that women like to talk more than men. That’s why they jump on the email thing more readily. Being the incessant poster that I am, I found this hard to believe. But looking back, through both my work and ‘creative’ discussion boards, I have to agree that she was right.
Just before I go…..
Child care ? a necessary evil, it won’t hurt most kids, and it gives kids like I was, an introduction to the ‘rough and tumble world’ that we all have to face.
Dads ? it’s imperative that they be there, if at all possible. Growing up just with Mum, or the lady across the road is no substitute for a Dad and a Mum. Of course, it’s not always possible.
Mums ? well, you guys are better at answering this one than me…….
loading...
Zoe, and Cath, I’m posting my diatribe before responding properly to your exceptionally well-written opinions. I’m a bit hot under the collar, and will have my say first, before any reply to you, hope you understand….
loading...
A lot of research actually shows that children who don’t have the opportunity to form bonds to a consistent caregiver tend to have some problems later in life. Ie, put a child in childcare a lot, and you risk raising a child that is unable to form healthy attachments and relationships with people. The younger the child is, the more vital are stable and predictible caregivers.
We’re social animals, so the ability to bond and attach to people is very important for development and mental health. It’s theorised by many that children develop expectations of others based on their early experience with caregivers. If we’re not careful, we may end up creating a society of people who have a really hard time bonding with others and have an inability to maintain relationships (of any kind, not just romantic).
Children and infants who don’t get to form secure attachments with caregivers are also more likely to have a much higher risk of social, emotional and behavioural problems later in life. Children who don’t develop a secure attachment style are at a greater risk of later chronic anxiety, depression, drug abuse, risky sexual behviour, and antisocial behaviour/aggression.
Inconsistency in caregivers also leads to a stress response in infants and children. This involves an increase in levels of cortisol, which, if high enough, can result in a delay in all areas of development.
So I can kind of see her point. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it abuse, but childcare certainly isn’t a healthy environment for children. Especially not for infants.
loading...
Yeah the word ‘abuse’ was used a bit too loosely. But I have to agree to a certain extent, having worked in a long day care care centre I witnessed first hand, parents bringing their few month old babies in first thing in the morning, still in their night nappies – and then not picking them up in the evening until they had been bathed, freshly dressed and fed – all the parents had to do is take them home, put them in bed and start the process again – it’s a little sad to see.
On the other hand, my daughter was in full time care from the time she was around 2 years old (now 17) – and she LOVED it, the friends, the activities, the learning – much better than hanging around with me all day!
I do think she benefited from being home with me for the first two years – yes, it was a struggle financially – I didn’t have any nice things (car, home, furniture etc) – but it was worth going without!
Can we really have it all? after trying for the last 15 years & watching many other women try … I have to say – I honestly don’t think we can – and that’s ok with me – it’s all a matter of choice.
loading...
It’s hard not to cringe a little at the article. While understanding the intent, it’s difficult not to take offence at the manner in which Mem generalizes about women on the whole. There may be a small group of women/families who have children as accessories, because they’ve got everything else – I don’t know. I’ve no doubt there are people around who find out (belatedly) that they’re not that well suited to parenthood, and go back to work because they’re unhappy, or just don’t know what to do with a baby, or kids.
But for the most part, I think people enter into parenthood with the best of intentions – to love and raise a happy, healthy child. Sure, some people choose to return to work early, but for some it’s not a choice – it’s a neccessity. Not just to have all the trappings – to pay bills, school and sport fees, buy Christmas presents – hell, just to buy enough good food!
Australian society sadly doesn’t embrace the concept of ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, and many parents simply have little, if any, extended family to support them with little bits of child care here and there. Some parents are on their own with the financial responsibility, and that’s huge.
While I don’t like the idea of putting infants in child care, especially long day care, and was fortunate to have plenty of paid leave with my job after all my babies to have that time with them, I can also acknowledge that no two mothers (or babies!) are the same, and depending on the situation, new motherhood can be difficult and isolating. My husband was working away when my first son was born, and by the time he was 8 weeks or so, I was going right out of my mind with boredom (having finished work a couple of months earlier). I grabbed an opportunity for some challenging work, (not quite full time), and it was the best thing I could have done. Of course, then he chose not to sleep, etc!
I think I’ve only had the whole year one time, and by then I had plenty to keep me busy (and maintained some work ‘projects’). We’re all different. For me, a little bit of work makes you appreciate your family and home, and a little bit of family and home makes you appreciate work! You have to understand yourself and do what’s best for you, to give your family the love and attention they deserve, and that’s not all about quantity, it’s about quality too. An unhappy Mum will have difficulty bonding with her child, which is likely to cause significant problems down the track for the child, and lots of guilt for the Mum.
I did have one experience with creche, which was traumatic in the extreme, with both my tots getting bitten, and bad bouts of gastro. I know lots of creches are great, but we just didn’t have a good experience with ours, and I was equal parts upset and guilty at putting my boys in there (it was short lived!). For the most part , I have found a combination of Family Day Care (I have had 2 great carers through this program) and a little family support at times, has worked really well for my family, while I’ve worked at various things during mostly part time hours. The best child / family / work balance is eventually achieved through trial and error, hard work, good management, and sometimes just good luck. My heart honestly goes out to those who are struggling to find that balance, and don’t have a choice about working their preferred hours.
loading...
Oh, I so want to get my teeth into this one, but for now, Mia just a heads up. Due to myself and some other quite loquacious commenters, it seems we have out-talked the discussion board about the ‘glasser’. The posts stop at a million words or thereabout. A tech thing obviously. Certainly nothing to do with us talking too much!
loading...
I think S is right – anything that divides parents is not helpful..it’s just more guilt if you do or don’t do daycare. When will it end?
Calling it ‘child abuse’ was a silly frame of reference. Child abuse is the conscious or unconscious hurting of a child…children in childcare are not ‘hurt’…they might miss their Mums and not want to be there from 7am to 6pm but they are not suffering in the way that a baby in a cot would if you left it there with no food or cuddles.
I didn’t chose long daycare for my kids either but I don’t condemn the parents who do – it’s a choice they make and some kids will cope better than others. But it is not child abuse.
loading...
Oh this is such a hard one to have an opinion on without alienating half your friends.
I always try to fence sit when the topic of childcare comes up because I have used it on and off for my kids and many of my friends use it now. But the truth is I agree with Mem. Her words were too harsh, and not helpful to anyone, least of all the kids who, had she expressed her views a little more gently may have had mum think about it, change her mind and keep them at home or employ a nanny. Now all she has done is make people angry and vocal in defending and justifying their choices.
We are always going to have parents who prefer to be at work than be with their children, and not hesitate putting a 6 week old into childcare. But this is where I think the feminist issue has clouded some womens judgement. Its not always about womens rights. Sometimes it has to become about childrens rights. If you are going to have a child you should be prepared to put your rights on hold, and sadly some mums arent willing to do this. I think this was Mems point.
I would like to think her comments were coming from a place where she was trying to convey her views to young mums today like a ‘wise old nanna’. I hope that through all of this some people can sit back and try and instead of attacking her, perhaps see that she was trying to help people question the way some children grow up. Like it or not six weeks is too young for childcare. If that is what some families need to resort to, for whatever reason, I dont understand as a supposedly caring society how we cannot look at compulsory paid maternity leave for a minimum of twelve months. If for no other reason than for the quality of a childs life.
loading...
Ouch, yup what a touchy subject (geeze Mia this is right up there with a circumcision debate or whether it’s wrong to have small children as models LOL) and do I agree with both Mia and S (on everything including the Green Sheep LOL We love that book too!). I am insanely lucky that I haven’t had to go back out to paid work since my son was born over 10 years ago (barring 2 hideous weeks when he was 12 months that was both a favour to my old boss and a financial necessity for me! One of the hardest fortnights of my life!). But I have had both a really hardworking husband giving the family a hell of a lot of support, and we’ve also made financial sacrifices to be able to have me stay home (my car is absolutely falling apart and uninsured, we’ve only had one short holiday to Qld in those 10 years, etc etc). We don’t have a plasma TV or Foxtel or a million videogame consoles, we rotate who gets to do a sport and when, and my kids (and me LOL) all wear 2nd hand clothes (thank you, eBay!).
It’s costing us a fortune now to have our 4 year old in a great pre-school (so just 9am-3pm) 2 days a week…we do it as she loves it and needs the social interaction. I know we’re very lucky and have to say it breaks my heart into a million pieces when I pick her up in the afternoon and some of the younger children are absolutely wailing for their Mummy who wont be there for another few hours at least, or when a 9-12 month old just entering the peak of separation anxiety flings them self onto my leg for a cuddle. If it makes ME upset then I can’t even fathom how their poor parents must feel (and the fabulous childcare workers who are there to kiss away the boo-boos so to speak!) and I do know a lot of these parents just don’t have a choice. You’re right, it’s up to the Govt. to make a change (and while we’re at it how come the interest charges on our mortgages can’t be tax deductions like they are in America?!).
S, I hope the stay-at-home-Mums you’ve been hanging out with haven’t intentionally set out to make you feel bad (yes, talk about salt in the wound!). I’ve known a few zealots who give the rest of us a bad name (and a lot of them are secretly jealous of the Working Mums who do get to escape the household day-to-day once in a while..!).
loading...
Hey Mia,
Gotta love the Green Sheep… I think I actually know the whole sequence of sheep by heart at this point!! 
So glad you wrote about this. I was wondering whether you would, and I really agree with what said. I think the problem is not so much what Mem Fox said, but HOW she said it. For someone who is presumably pretty smart, she didn’t go about it very intelligently, really.
Phrasing things in this way is only achieving two things:
a) making people (especially those who disagree with her) “block out” what she is saying. The content, the issue is lost… by angering people like this, she is effectively making them unwilling to look at and think about the actual issue, and research such as that in the article you linked. It becomes a them and us kinda thing…
b) dividing people. It’s like you said, we should all be standing on this together for parent’s, no CHILDREN’s, rights, so that people can actually have a choice in this matter. And it IS up to the government to provide that. But she has just divided people, and turned the issue into a parental battlefield again.
I have to say, I really didn’t like her comments. They have been eating away at me since I first read them yesterday. Even though I may agree in substance with a lot of what she said, it just really got me worked up. You just don’t talk to people like that…
We were very lucky to be able to give our kids one on one, between the two of us for the first 12 months, but now they are both at day care 3 days a week. And yes, there is DEFINITELY guilt involved. LOTS of it. Especially when hanging out with stay at home mums… But it’s NOT a choice. And I really don’t need Ms. Fox to make me feel any worse about this than I already do.
I think what she did was both mean and irresponsible. And not in the slightest constructive.
It’s also completely put me off her books, many of which used to be among favourites. Damn I wish I hadn’t bought so many of them!
PS sorry about the long post…