Annie with her boys
by ANNIE PAPPALARDO
Imagine waking up every day and wondering whether or not it was one day closer to your youngest child being taken away from you.
Imagine not knowing if he was going to be safe.
Or warm.
Imagine thinking about how scared he would be.
Imagine thinking about that moment when you said goodbye, knowing you and he would never, ever be the same again.
Imagine your baby sleeping in a prison cell every night.
I imagined this. For 6 very long months. Every single day. Every single night.
In January, my youngest saw himself on the wrong side of the law. It happened on his 18th birthday. He was involved in a scuffle and ended up biting someone in self defence. We have since found out that biting is a serious offence. So serious that the majority of biting charges end up with a jail sentence.
He was charged, despite it being self defence, and unfortunately the statements against him looked very damning.
When someone is charged with an offence they receive a little piece of paper, smaller than A5 which provides details of when they are to appear in court. I hate this little piece of paper. I’ve never hated a piece of paper before, but this paper sat on the fridge, under a magnet, mocking us all. Mocking us with its smugness. With its power.
We hired lawyers and went to court. For all of us it was first time ever in court. We were so green. Whilst it was scary, we thought there would be a smack over the knuckles and a fine. We were convinced the charges would be dropped. We were green and also very wrong.
“We hired lawyers and went to court.”
You see, the police rarely drop charges and as they were the ones who laid the charges my son was not going to get off lightly. We were given another date to return to court in a few weeks time. It suddenly became more real. Suddenly all optimism had disappeared.
The lawyers were still confident and reassured us that it would be over before it got to trial. In fact they said it would be bad for my son if it went to trial. Magistrates don’t take kindly to people who bite others. I held onto our lawyers optimism and confidence. Sometimes. Sometimes I had nightmares instead. I imagine my boy was also having nightmares in his own private world.
Our lawyers viewed CCTV footage, looked at statements did a mountain of discovery. What they found was that my son had not broken the law and that he had actually been assaulted by a third party, the person who he had bitten in self defence.
This information was compiled into a report and presented to the police. We were told it would soon be over. They were wrong. The police refused to drop it and were pushing for … 18 months jail. Words can’t describe how hearing this felt.
I have one word for the court process – crazy. I still don’t even understand how it all works and doubt I ever will. Absolutely nothing made sense. In fact, Judge Judy makes more sense. Truly.
This is how the whole process appeared to work. You turn up, the lawyer says a few words, the magistrate looks in his diary and gives you another date. You turn up again and the lawyer says a few words. The police say a few more. The magistrate looks in his book and gives you another date. Rinse and repeat!
“I have one word for the court process – crazy.”
It turns out we didn’t have to go to the next appearance. The lawyer could go on our behalf. We find out the magistrate has done something different – we are going to a different court – the matter is going to trial! Our worst nightmares have come true.
I think this is the time we all bottomed out. This was serious. There was no thinking it would go away. The police weren’t backing down despite the evidence. It no longer mattered about the law and who was right or wrong. It now came down to a magistrate who had the power to send my boy to jail.
Two days later I heard a news story where a prison warden was sent to jail for hitting a prisoner. The said prisoner had bitten and spat on the warden. The prisoner had hepatitis C. The magistrate decided that he/she was going to make an example of the warden and gave him a jail sentence. This made my blood run cold. I feared a magistrate would also make an example of my boy.
To be very clear, I don’t think teenagers should be let off crimes because they are teenagers. Nor do I think they can behave badly without ramifications. My son wasn’t an angel in this instance. He was verbally abusive to a bouncer and some “dancers” from a club. He was menacing. He was behaving like a feral 18 year old drunken fool. However a bouncer, left his position on the door and went down an alley way to engage in a fight with him. A club manager also went down the alley and attacked him from behind. All of this on CCTV footage. My son deserved to learn a lesson, he did not, however, deserve to go to jail.
In a last ditch attempt to have the charges withdrawn our lawyers visited the police again. This time the officer in charge was prepared to listen, to look at the facts. He was astounded it had gone this far. He dropped the assault charges to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct. This would result in no conviction and a fine.
When our lawyer called to give me this news I have never been so relieved. I wanted to jump up and down and scream with joy.
This was a month ago. I am still jumping for joy.
We still had to go to court and it was still nerve wracking. However it was such a relief to go to court safe in the knowledge that no matter what happened I could take my son home with me. Had the trial gone ahead, he may have been taken away to jail.
The realisation of this fact caused my son to momentarily lose the colour in his face. “So I couldn’t go home and pack my stuff or say goodbye?”
“Uh no, you would be handcuffed and taken away from here.” I answered.
“No wonder you have been so stressed mum.”
No shit, Sherlock!
Whilst my son has learned a valuable lesson, he is eighteen. He is still capable of acting before thinking. He is still capable of mistakes. He is still capable of causing me heartache.
Parenting teenagers is so scary. It is heart in mouth kind of stuff. It’s a scary ride where you close your eyes, hold your breath and grip on as tight as you can for dear life. It still is the scariest thing I’ve ever done.
Annie Pappalardo is a mum to two teenage boys, a wife, a writer of many things. Annie also moonlights here. You can follow Annie on twitter here and her blog here.
Comments
58 Comments so far
Annie this is a terrible ordeal for you to have gone through, I am glad it had a happy ending for you all.
Your comments at the end concern me though – or rather your son’s comments which seem to indicate a total lack of understanding of what may have happened to him, or a belief that he was always going to be let off. I worry about either one of those options.
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I wrote a post last night but it seems to not have published. Just yesterday my mum told me that she had resigned herself to the fact that my brother was headed for jail (or worse). His life has spiralled completely out of control over the last 10 months. What we know has shocked our family to the core and there is so much more that we don’t know. My mum is an absolute mess and for months now has questioned her own ability as a parent. The truth is she was a fantastic single mother, she raised us the same and worked hard to send us to private catholic schools. My brother has 14 years on your son Annie. He has 4 kids and a partner who loves him. He had everything going for him. But not even that seems to be enough. As a teenager he was charming and out of the home got away with more than he should have. I can’t help but think (and I am by no means simplifying what you have been through) that if had received a scare when he was younger that he would have made different choices as an adult. I wish you your son and your family all the luck. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Oh BigSis, I’m so sorry. What a terrible anguish for you and your family. Your poor Mum, she must be reeling. I hope that things turn around with him. All the best xx
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My mum told me just a few hours ago that she had resigned herself that my brother was headed for jail. In 10 short months his life has spiraled out of control. We know some of what he has been up to and it shocked our family to the core. The rest we r guessing from what we see and hear happening around him. My mum is a mess. She did a darn good job raising us For whatever reason my brother has made a series of bad decisions. My brother has 14years on your son Annie, he has 4 kids and a partner that loves him. He has always been charming and managed to get away with things as a teenager. Maybe if he had a scare like your boy Annie he would not be where he is today. Please forgive me if it sounds like i am simplfying what has happened to you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish your boy and you all the luck in the world
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Annie,
You poor thing. Yes the legal system seems very strange. I know so many lawyers who leave the system totally disheartened.
Glad everything is OK now.
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Thank you Annie.
I read this hours ago and am still too emotional to respond adequately.
My 12 year old was arrested last year. My 12 year old son, who had never been in trouble with a teacher, let alone police.
He was arrested after a completely false accusation was made against him by a known compulsive liar that was a relation to a police officer.
I cant talk about it in too much detail but after 7 court appearances the judge threw it out of court in disgust after 3 days of trial.
We had the choice of accepting a formal warning but were so incensed at what our son was put through, that we wanted the officers involved to be held accountable, and after deep consultation with our son, we refused.
It cost us close to $20,000 to fight something that the police never ever properly investigated and the Prosecution, for reasons we are still trying to seek out, would not drop. We had to borrow that money.
It is so unbelievable it is almost an ‘only in America’ story.
The pain, continuous stress, fear, anger and anxiety does not go away.
In one day my families life changed. My now 13 year old son has nightmares and wets his bed having nightmares about the day the Police arrested him because another boy wanted a bit of attention from his parent.
You think you know your rights.
You think the police are the ‘good guys’.
You sit in an interview with your shaking son, wondering what on earth is going on, thinking, ‘surely they will work out this is all crap?’. And they dont.
Both my boys, 19 and 13 now, are quiet kids. They know if they stuff up, there will be consequences.
If my youngest had actually done what he was accused of then we would have dealt with the consequences as a family. But he hadnt. It was a complete fantasy, that went way too far.
Funnily enough, the boy that told the lie has never been questioned for wasting so much time and tax payers money, nor has his parent for their role in the action.
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Meant to add that bouncers are there to protect the establishment, not the patrons. When a girl gets her drink spiked they bodily remove her and put her on the street. They don’t care if she is raped or run over, it isn’t their problem. My son was on his legs but he lost consciousness. They put him in the courtesy bus and got him out of there. The assailant was kicked out. The police should have been called and my son out in an ambulance.
Don’t bother defending bouncers. There is one story after another about their violence.
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How lucky your son is to have a supportive family who could afford to pay a lawyer.
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Argh, i just wrote a comment and lost it. Ill make this one brief but wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Raising sons seems more good luck than good parenting. My three have been through the usual scraps and binge drinking, despite me not be a drinker and constantly pointing out the dangers.
One now 26, engaged and sensible. I thank God that he made it through without destroying his life or someone else’s with his alcohol induced aggression.
One is a happy drunk and always very friendly. More a lover than a fighter. A couple of years ago he had a fight with his girlfriend, downed the better part of a bottle of whiskey and got behind the wheel. I’m eternally grateful that a parked car stopped him from killing an innocent person or himself. I never worried about him drink driving and the shock was horrendous. He was shocked that he did it and is still ashamed. While he knew not to drink and drive, he never understood how alcohol can make you do things you’d never do sober.
The other had a metal plate inserted in his jaw last week. He is in a terrible state. While he stood at the main bar of a quiet pub, a stranger came up the side of him and punched him three times with such force that he has no recollection of the incident, broke his jaw in three places and dislodged his teeth.
I want this criminal charged but at the same time I’m torn. I know that if they get him another mother’s world will collapse and there but for the grace of God go I.
I’m so sorry you had such a worrying time.
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what a great mum and attitude. amazing actually, to be thinking of that person’s mum.
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I’ve heard this story in person. Just as harrowing seeing it in written form. So glad it had a happy ending.
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Your son was bloody lucky. For a start you should have taught him that abusing bouncers is a really dumb idea and leads to 19 kinds of pain. Those meatheads have been known to put people in hospital with their ridiculous behaviour.
He should have known that, he should have been guided and advised that antagonising people like bouncers is silly. He should know what his drinking limits are so he doesn’t do stupid things.
Being drunk is not an excuse for anything, it’s a sign of lack of control and a lack of wanting to be in control.
Your boy was very lucky, not only in avoiding time in the big house with uncle mary, but he didn’t get the piss and pick handles beaten out of him either.
Hopefully he’s learned something.
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Anon, did you actually read Annie’s post? Not once did she excuse or condone what her boy did. Kids, even the best brought up kids, will do dumb things. Every line of this piece dripped with a mother’s relief that her son’s bad night out didn’t have much more dire consequences.
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Hi Anon (of course), I think it’s a bit of a low blow to blame Annie for what her son went through. He’s 18, not a toddler! On top of which I think she is very honest about shouldering some of the burden of responsibility – along with her son obviously – over the incident. All you’ve almost certainly achieved is to make Annie feel worse than already did.
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I think, for a start, you should acknowledge that you have no idea what Annie taught her son when raising him. Or what her son as an 18 year old young adult knows to be right or wrong, sensible or stupid but chose, on this occasion to ignore. Because you don’t know them, so you shouldn’t really comment on it, should you?
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” He should know what his drinking limits are so he doesn’t do stupid things.” Yes, so should everyone, but most people don’t, especially 18 year olds. I’m sure he has learned his lesson, for most of us it takes a big shock to do so. I don’t think attacking the writer about what she ‘should have taught him’ is particularly helpful, you can tell kids a million times not to touch the hotplate and they still go ahead and do it, this is the same kind of thing.
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I made a mistake last year. A criminal mistake. I was arrested and charged and given one of those scary A5-sized pieces of paper. I appeared in District Court and was given another date, and recommended I get a Lawyer. A real good one.
The next appearance cost me $2200 to pay the Lawyer to say a few words and have the matter moved to another date… and another Court. A Court that would examine all of the facts. A Court that wouldn’t convict me based on the limited evidence allowed in District Court.
Supreme Court. For this the Lawyer sent me a bill for $7700 – to be paid before the appearance. I considered jumping off my roof.
Instead I pleaded with my Lawyer, and they were able to wrangle Legal Aid for me (I earn “too much” to receive it based on the typical application process, but am far too in debt to get a loan for another dollar, let alone 8K), bringing it down to $700 – which I still had to borrow from a friend.
At Supreme Court I was summoned to the dock, flanked by prison security guards. Ready to go, should the Judge so decide.
I was lucky. Based on the evidence, and my clean record, and my glowing references, and my proven contributions to the community, I was fined and not convicted.
Only a handful of friends ever knew. If I did go “away” my family would have found out when I was allowed that phone call, or via my Lawyer.
The Judge’s statement? “I have three words for you; stupid, stupid, stupid”
He was right. And I will never do it again.
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Ooooh, what did you do? I know you probably don’t want to say but I’m curious now. Hate vague-posting! lol
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Me too Sienna! I’m such a gossip!!
Do tell Lucky .. it will teach us never to do it!
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um, I may be on my own here..but I honestly wonder what the other side of the story here is? Another security guard trying to do his job who gets abused and ridiculed by some brat, then still in the line of his job gets bitten? Then has to go through testing and the agonising wait for results, hoping he hasn’t picked up some awful disease that will be with him the rest of his life??
I don’t know this is the case. And I feel sorry for the writer, I really do – because it wasn’t her fault that her child was being ‘disorderly’, but I wonder how our reactions would be had the security guard offered up a story from his side.
Im appreciative of this post however as it offers another view of the victims of petty crime. But lets not lose site of what started it in the first place.
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Bouncers should be able to handle a bit of drunk talk, if they can’t , they should change jobs. It does not give them , or anyone else the right , to go and beat the crap out of a drunk person in a back alley, all because they gave a bit of lip.
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oh of course, you are right. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t agree with the behaviour from either side (assuming he did ‘beat the crap’ out of him – we don’t actually know what happened there) but I guess I just find it hard for this particular post to pull on my heart strings as I don’t doubt that any mother of a person who has committed a crime has also been in the same amount of anguish. For that reason I can’t help but wonder what the security guard and their family went through also. Im sure this particular guard has probably had his fair amount of ‘lip’ in his career and has kep this cool. What here was different?
If this post was just to outline a mother’s fear etc, then yep – totally agree with the poster. Would have been crap for her and the family. I, as a mother, hope I never have to go through this too….hopefully I can teach my kids respect in all circumstances and hope it sticks even with a bit of alcohol on board…
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I don’t think it was the bouncer that got bitten, sounds like it was the club manager attacking the boy from behind who got the bite.
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I agree, I hope the kid got the scare of his life.
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Unfortunately, this is not really the case. Bouncers now are too often tangled up with drug dealers etc. They like to take the law into their own hands, and think they run the show. They can be dangerous and it isn’t safe or fair
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Annie, I had NO idea your family were going through something so scary! I’m so glad the outcome is a good one xxx
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Annie.
So sorry that your family had to go through this. My partner has had an incident recently that involved a bouncer and he had charges laid against him including common assault. I realise this may be opening a different can of worms altogether and missing the point, but I find it really hard to comprehend the way bouncers can treat people. I realise they have a job to do, but they just seem so corrupt and it really upsets me, as well as scares me.
It was horrible to see my boyfriend so upset and worried about his court date. I don’t think I really comprehended how serious it was. I’m glad things worked out for the best in both of our cases.
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Just read two of the bouncers from the Ivy have got off . Several of them charged with taking a patron into the basement and assualting him.
One of the bouncers was 19. That in itself is of concern.
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so scary. How do we trust these people to make us feel safe?
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This story just goes to prove a longheld theory of mine….children should be locked in their rooms un til they are 30.
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Haha true!
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Annie knows how much her article touched me, so much so that I haven’t read it on MM but have tears just from reading it on her blog. It may be the single most timely article I have ever read.
When I first read it I was a week away from lying awake of a night with all these same fears racing through my head. What I have learnt between first reading this story and now is enormous. The biggest thing I have learnt (and I wrote this in another comment down further) is that people in gaol aren’t “bad”, they made bad choices but that doesn’t automatically mean they are bad people. Stupid, yes. bad, no.
xxx
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Hey Annie – so sorry your family has been through such a stressful time… I’m glad the outcome was much more positive that you feared.
Your last para really resonated with me. I can honestly say that parenting has been the scariest thing I have EVER done. Presumably because the stakes are so high? My eldest had a health scare this week and spent some time in hospital. (Thankfully she’s home & OK now.) ButI have shed bucket-loads of tears this week (always in my favourite sneaky spots ie shower/toilet/car) because I felt so out of control and scared for my little girl (plus I’m as hormonal as hell LOL).
Thank god the joys of parenting outweigh the heartaches!
Thanks for sharing Annie. You are a beautiful mum – your boys are very lucky x
PS note to MM – I have tried to make this comment 3 times and they keep disappearing. Just thought you should know…
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How horrific. It would have to one if the worst things to have one of your children in jail. Especially in case like this.
So glad for the happy ending, what a massive relief
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Jeebus Annie, no wonder you have had such an awful year! My heart was in my mouth reading this – there but for the grace of God go all (or many) of us with teenagers. Importantly though, what you and your family have been through is something I will carry with – and refer to frequently! – over the next few years. x
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We had elderly neighbours whose son went to jail over a car accident he had caused. These were God fearing, community minded people that this happened to, and it’s good to be aware how easily it can happen. I’ve got two young sons and I don’t even want to think about when they become teenagers!
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I’m so glad your son didn’t have to go to jail, it is another world altogether, and horrific. My brother just got out after 22 years straight. I’m not going to go into details about it, but he is a shell of a man. He was kicked out of the house at 13, (stepfather didn’t like him), was sent to a boys home for stealing food, at 18 was sent to an adult prison for the first time for stealing of all things , and let’s just say things went askew from there. He never recovered from that first experience in an adult jail. He is now 44 and watching him adjust to being out is heartbreaking. Best wishes to you and your sons for the future.
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Wow. This kicks me right in the heart.
I have a brother who is in remand right now and it’s driven an axe into my heart and right through our family. What I have learnt is that people who are in gaol are not necessarily “bad” people. they are people who made bad decisions, certainly, but very few people are “bad”. I’m trying my best to support him and the rest of my family, the toll it has taken on all of us is huge, so I can’t begin to imagine what it’s been like for you and yours. I hope your brother goes on to adjust and live a “normal” life (whatever that is).
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finding a full time job, just recently, where he works 12 hour days 6 days a week, I believe, saved his sanity. Being institutionalised, he needs routine to function. Not having this when freed, was unbearable for him. I hope all goes well for you, your brother, and your family. Take care of each other.
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I am so glad that your brother has found stable work that gives him routine and security. That will hopefully help his journey back to normality.
This in between time, not knowing what the sentence will be (could be custodial could be suspended) is pretty tough.x
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I have a relative who had way too much to drink one night, took some drugs and had consensual sex with a girl who had repeatedly told him she was 19 (he was 20 and this obviously is his story only). About 3 years later she goes to police and says she was raped and she was only 15 at the time. My relative ends up going to jail for 8 years for rape. This same girl had also stated she was raped by 2 other boys in similar circumstances in the 3 years since hid incident but that wasn’t allowed to come out at trial for some reason.
I would never condone rape and maybe it’s not as clear cut as it seems to me and my relatives but jail is an awful awful punishment. And now he’s finally got out, it’s ongoing – he’s on the sex offrenders list, finding work is hard plus meeting girls…well you can imagine what that might be like.
Obviously I am very biased as he is a “nice “boy who made some bad decisions but it’s an awfully tough punsihment – I so agree with the comment that it’s not always “bad” people but bad decisions.
So glad your story had a happier ending and I’m sure your son will have learnt a very hard lesson
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I know it sounds mean, but why did your mother pick your step-father over her own son? A child of 13 is far too young to be kicked out. It has obviously had life-long ramifications for him. Hopefully he finds he is able to settle now.
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Hey Annie – so sorry that you and your family had to go through such a stressful time. I’m glad that the outcome was not as bad as you feared.
The last para of your story really resonated with me. As you know, my kids are still little, but I can honestly say that parenting has been the scariest thing i have EVER done. Presumably because the stakes are so high.
This week my eldest had a health scare and spent time in hospital – but she’s home & fine now – whew! I swear i shed bucket loads of tears (always in my private sneaky spots of the car/toilet/shower) as i pondered the ‘what ifs”. I just felt so out of control of a situation that affected someone so dear and precious to me (plus I’m as hormonal as hell LOL)
Luckily the joys of parenting outweigh the fears!
Thanks for sharing Annie. You are a beautiful mum – your boys are lucky!
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Woah. Thanks for sharing.
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This is why my blood runs cold at the thought of the death sentence for drug offenders. I keep imagining my sometimes stupid yet much loved kids doing something that has this type of impact on their lives. Thank you for sharing Annie.
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Hey lovely Annie – was a horridly stressful time for you all. Glad the outcome was more positive than you feared.
Your final sentence really resonated with me. As you know mine are still little, but I can honestly say that parenting is the scariest thing I have ever done – presumably because the stakes are so high. My eldest had a health scare this week and I swear i have shed bucket loads of tears (always in my private sneaky spots of the car/shower/toilet) because I felt so out of control and scared. Thankfully she is fine.
Annie, you are a beautiful mum – you boys are very lucky xxx
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This touches on one of my greatest fears as a parent – how to protect my child from themselves? How to make sure I teach them enough to overcome hormones, drunken mates and group mentality?
How do I teach my son that a girl always has the right to say no, and he HAS to respect that, regardless of what else she has said yes to?
How do I teach my daughter to respect herself enough that she will not say yes to anything?
How do I teach them the dangers of being a silly, drunk teenager in places where situations can get out of control?
Thanks for sharing your story, Annie. It is an eye opener, and a different perspective into our legal system.
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Annie, you know how much your story touched me. I’m so glad your boy had this outcome. ♥
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Oh Annie, as the mother of two boys I really felt for you reading this. So glad it worked out in the end, although you will never get those months back!!!
Please keep posting I always enjoy your warts and all approach to raising your kids.
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I really feel for you Annie – it really must have been terrifying, but I cant begin to imagine.
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Love your post Annie, and glad your ordeal is over
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Beautiful post Annie….xxx
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Hi Mia
For a whole now I have been considering writing a story relating to this exact topic as it is unfortunately something I have experienced first hand when my brother was sentenced. Whilst most of the comments have shown understanding I believe some people would benefit from hearing a story like mine. Is this something you would consider posting?
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Id be interested in reading it. I hope mia replies to you
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Thank you Kirsten, that means a lot
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I can’t see a response so it looks like your comment may have been missed. i’ve seen a few comments like this before where people have a story and think they’ve suggested you just email them directly at mamamia with some details of your story and they’ll go from there if they’re interested – I’d certainly like to hear your story
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Hi Story to tell,
Send an email to nat@mamamia.com.au – she’ll be able to point you in the right direction
Phoodie – MM Community Moderator
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Thank you so much everyone, I will certainly send the email.
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