Bec and Fin
BY REBECCA SPARROW
It was one of those delicious rumours that spread through my hometown twenty years ago; propelled along because of its irresistibly juicy mix of perceived bad behaviour and motherhood. It was one of those rumours that many of us love: one that allows us to tut-tut another woman’s choices.
You see a very well known PR woman in town (I’ll call her Susie) had just given birth to her second child. Rumour had it that she was reading faxes as they wheeled her into delivery. And that she was annoying hospital staff by attempting to work from her hospital bed after her child was born. Think Alexis Carrington in labour and you get the picture.
Can you imagine? The nineteen-year-old me (a Communications student at the time) was horrified and appalled. What Type Of Woman can’t just be in the moment of having a baby? What Type of Mother is so obsessed with work that she’s writing media releases from her hospital bed?
What type of mother indeed.
And then two weeks ago I had a baby. And I sent a work-related email from my Smartphone just hours after my beautiful son Fin was born. Oh yes, yes I did. And then a few days later I sent some work-related tweets.
I know. HOW COULD I?
And Lord did it make people feel uncomfortable.
“Why are you working? Stop working!” said one friend.
“What is she doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” said another in a group email.
“Just enjoy your son!!!!”
“Tell me you’re NOT working!”
“Shouldn’t you be watching TV or reading or – hello? – sleeping?”
Of course, in my case, unlike Susie’s, my friends had my best interests at heart. They weren’t judging me. More concerned. A certain Sass & Bide loving woman we all know just wanted to move into my house, make me cups of tea and do my washing.
But still. Their reactions got me thinking.
It seems that when it comes to having a baby the judgement doesn’t end with how we have the baby (drugs or no drugs, Caesar or natural). Nor how we feed the baby (breast or bottle or both). Or who or how we care for our baby (Stay at home? Work full time? Daycare?). There’s also a certain way we’re expected to behave straight after the birth.
My divine son Fin was born at 36 weeks. Healthy but sleepy with jaundice. And so in my room he slept. And slept. And slept. For the week we were in hospital (as doctors monitored his jaundice) it was like living with the Purple Wiggle. As for me, I was BORED. BORED. There, I said it. While Fin snuffled and snoozed in his crib next to my bed for four-hour stretches, I channel surfed on the TV; read a few chapters of a fab novel (The Boys’ Club by Wendy Squires); and then – with Fin still asleep – I picked up my phone and checked my emails. And when a group work email came through – asking a question, I could easily answer off the top of my head – I answered it.
My bad.
I promise you, Fin didn’t even notice. Didn’t feel neglected. I wasn’t madly writing emails while my son wailed beside me. Nope. He was out like grout – in the Land of Nod dreaming of well, who knows what babies dream about. Boobs, probably.
But the reaction to my “type and click” had surprised me. And for a moment, made me question my mothering skills. What kind of mother sends an email just hours after her son is born? This one apparently.
Two weeks later, I wonder if it’s weird that I’m even writing this post. It’s 7.30am. Fin’s asleep. So is Ava. Even the dog is curled up on a cushion. And I’m sitting here with a cup of tea and some peanut butter toast and I’m doing what I love: writing. And thinking about the books we’re planning to publish this year via Mamamia Publishing. And frankly I’d rather leave the bed unmade and the dishwasher un-packed if it means I can write for 30 minutes. Okay 40.
As for Susie, I wish I could apologise to her. Did she really send faxes and write reports from hospital? Who knows. The point is, it doesn’t matter. And frankly, it was none of my business.
How soon did you return to work after having a baby?
Comments
141 Comments so far
I was back working 11 days after I had #2 and about the same again after I had #3. I work from home so sitting at my computer in my pjs killing time before the 10pm feed was ideal for me. Like all things, just do what works for you and bugger the rest
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I’ve seen this when my friend’s have had babies. What I found really funny was that no one cared that they tweeted stuff like “just watched 5hrs of breaking bad” but freaked out when they wrote somthing about work. If you can cuddle your baby while you watch tv or read blogs, you can also have them with you while you make a work call or write an email.
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I went into labour with my second bub (full term) at 9am on a Wednesday while at work. He was born at 12:30pm. We went home at 8:30pm the same day and I sent off some work-related emails at 9:30pm. He came to work with me wrapped in a sling the following Monday and did so for the following six months while I combined part-time paid work and full-time motherhood. But don’t forget about the unpaid work. In the days after his bith, I did washing and cooked meals and just got on with life. Probably helped that it was a great labour with no drugs or stitches, but it’s what worked for us as a family.
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Love it!! Thanks for writing that Bec. Great read!
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Bec I am currently feeding my three week old son who was born at 36 weeks also. He too was jaundiced and sleepy and spent the first week of his life in special care. I wish my hospital had let him room in with me! While I am on leave from my govvie job and don’t have any work related emails to reply to, email facebook and twitter have been lifesavers in the
past few weeks… Particularly during the long nighttime feeds.
My little man has well and truly woken up this week as his colour has faded and we had our first terrible night Last night. Enjoy his sleeping while it lasts
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Pippa!
How often did he wake up last night? Or was he pretty much awake all night? I hope you’re coping okay today?! I’d make you a cup of tea if I could … xxx
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Thanks for that last comment about leaving the dishwasher unpacked and beds unmade.
This has always been my mantra, even before I had kids.
Just a shame my husband grew up in a house with Hyacinth Bucket as his mother and can’t see past untidyness…..
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I say to my husband I’m a great mum, just a shoddy housewife!! I’d much prefer it that way
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Wife
This made me laugh, a lot.
I’m going to read it to my hubby. Do you think he’ll get the humor. I think not. Too funny not to share though
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I had a good friend warn me that the busy time with a baby is around 3 months in, at the start, like yours, they are sleeping all the time.
I got a lot of facebooking done then … now with a toddler, not so much!
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agree…. I set up a couple of blogs and re-designed my website when my daughter was oh so small. Now a toddler (2yrs), it is impossible for me to focus on a task for more than 15mins at a time… she needs attention, I need time to work…. so I’m trying to get a job and then childcare, better for all of us!
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oh, good luck! It took me ages to find great care for a couple of days but it provides much needed sanity for me and I can appreciate my work instead of feeling frazzled.
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Oh Bec, an email? Of all things, an email! From your phone whilst your child is sleeping, the horror!!!
Please keep doing it, we all love hearing from you.
Happy mothers make for happy children so keep doing whatever it is that is best for you, and them.
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I was back working (from home, between naps and feeds) 6 days after my second child was born. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but it was a necessity, and she never minded. She was right next to me sleeping, or being fed/cuddled while I was reading work type stuff. She had a cot in my office and a playmat etc when I went back into the office about 3 months later.
She came to every meeting I went to, was held by my colleagues at times during the day. I often postponed or rescheduled meetings to fit in with her daily naps (which people were more than happy to accomodate).
It wasn’t ideal, but it did work for us at the time, and she was a really happy and contented baby (much more so than my first who I stayed home with for 9 months). I don’t think she missed out on anything, and I will always be grateful that because my employer was so accommodating I didn’t have to put a tiny baby into childcare. Not judging those that do have to do that, just saying that I’m really grateful I at least had a choice about that.
So Bec, if you’re that kind of mum, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you!
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I’m like MissT, cant imagine enjoying a job that much. When I went on maternity leave I kicked my heels with glee upon leaving the office, hoping I would never see the place again! I did go back, 12 months later to resign and that made me happy. So I cant imagine doing that, but when a baby is sleeping and you’re in hospital you’re meant to relax and do things that please you, and if sending work emails pleases you thats all you need to worry about.
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I took 8 months off with the first, 3 months off with the second, and my third came on her first tampon commercial shoot when she was 6 days old.
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Bec, I hear you! My son was born at 36 weeks and was EXACTLY like your little boy; sleepy! So yes, I was working … and people were shocked. I was actually in hospital finishing stories just before he was induced, after my waters broke and labour didn’t come on. One of my friends / colleagues still has the text that starts ‘I’m in hospital, will be having the baby in the morning if labour doesn’t start, but I know you need that story, so I am working on it now …’
But boy, how lucky we were that we could actually do something we enjoyed while he slept!? Today, not so lucky. At three they don’t tend to lie around as much … how I wish he did!
But I did write about the entire experience in Practical Parenting as so many people made me feel like something was wrong with my son as he was so laidback and sleepy for so long! Ah, life.
Enjoy your little man AND you’re writing!
Alli (www.alliandgenine.com)
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Love this, Bec – and those photos are simply stunning.
When I had my last baby, I was elated that he was here, and that elation spilled into a burst of enthusiasm for writing.
I’d written nothing in the last few weeks of the pregnancy, and thought of little else other than having the baby. The second he was here (well, not the SECOND, but certainly within that first few days) I was ITCHING to write again and it poured out, for months! My memories of those early weeks are of my baby sleeping in the pram beside the couch, and me writing on my laptop beside him (the housework sauntering along in the background). It was one of the happiest periods of my life.
I work with women on achieving their ideal lifestyles – how to make choices that will align with your values, feel authentically ‘you’, and lead to a ‘full’ (rather than ‘busy’) life. If writing, tweeting and thinking about work during Fin’s sleeps (or even times when he’s happily awake) makes you happier than you’d be if you chose instead to do other things with that time, go for it!
It’s about picking the activities that give Fin and Ava the most contented version of Mummy possible! You look so happy – the strategy is obviously working!
Enjoy this wonderful time. xo
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I think it is wonderful you are doing what you want to do when you feel you can and want to do it.A great example other mums should follow.We all know there will be times when there is no chance of doing a single thing we would love to do,so grab it when you can.Why are women so quick to judge every move mums make.Lets all support each other more when we are doing our best and our children are not in harms way.I think you are a great mum x
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I can’t imagine loving my job enough to do this, but I got a similar reaction when caught on facebook on my honeymoon (Husband was also on facebook, might I add). “Why are you on facebook! You’re on your HONEYMOON!”
I wanted to read all the lovely comments about our wedding photos, orrite? And I wanted to see them! The photographer put them straight there.
But then a very close friend went on her honeymoon. And I did the same thing. And I realised – it’s not really judgment, it’s just something people say.
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Great writing Bec
Not mentioning work here, but along the same lines as ‘red shoes’ below, I remember feeling particularly chuffed that my second daughter was born at lunchtime. It meant I could have a shower, feel fresh, be taken back to the ward, all in time for dinner and that night’s episode of Masterchef.
My first labour was fraught with drama, so I felt like bloody wonder woman second time around. Managing to go through labour, delivery a baby, spruce myself up and still not miss an episode of my then-fave show.
I will say though, that even though my new baby was sleeping soundly, I was so besotted, I cradled her all the way through that episode.
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You’re a woman after my own heart!
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So well said!
Just because you have a new baby, doesn’t mean you stop being who you are, and by extension being who you are, doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy said baby.
I often wonder about the judgement rained down on pregnant women and women with new babies. Delivery, birth, what you ate during pregnancy, whether you were active, blah judgement, blah. It surprises me not at all that answering an email and working within certain timeframes is also judged. It always bothers me that we judge rather than love. We seek to change and impose ourselves on pregnant women and new babies when what we should be doing is supporting them.
I am a working woman with several personal side projects on issues that I really care about and think I can make a difference. My kids are proud of that, and I suspect they would think less of me if I suddenly defined myself as not doing those things because I had had given birth to their sibling in whatever the ‘allowed’ time frame is. Of course if I had ever neglected them in any way for work or the side projects then they might feel less pride but they have no need to feel that way, because I wouldn’t. I always choose them.
Our children can still be our priorities even if we have other interests, women are clever, we can still parent and be who we are. If that’s what we want
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This piece really resonated with me. I know the emphasis of this post is on post-birth behavior but I have been thinking about the the whole mother/ ‘paid worker’ balance (imbalance?) a lot this week. Is it possible to do both well all the time? I don’t think so. But I hope, for my own sanity and for other mothers who enjoy their work or find it imperative to work, that it is possible to be a good mother most of the time and still get to do the work you love.
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Like others have said, it really depends on your work. I see clients in a clinical setting so there is no way I can work from home, or even just do a little bit of work here and there. Thats just the way it is. One or two emails, if it makes you happy and you don’t feel pressured is fine. I felt too sick to do anything for about the first 10 days. My brain could hardly register what day it was, let alone respond to an email so I’m glad you are feeling well.
It’s funny though. For any Mum coming home with their second, third or more child, no-one really tells them to stop working. I got home and I had to change a dirty nappy, read a book, run a bath (with some help from my Mum of course). But there is no leave from that type of work.
Enjoy these first few precious weeks. So glad you have a sleepy one, although I’m sure that will pass (mine were delightfully sleepy for the first two weeks; it’s a good chance to let your body rest and recover and get into the swing of it all). He is just gorgeous
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I completely understand where you’re coming from Bec and am in the same boat! Each to their own, and if you have a baby that sleeps occasionally and you can manage to do a little work here or there, why not?
So many people expressed surprise that I didn’t take any time off around the birth of my first two children, but as a freelance editor I am fortunate to work for myself from home. So I would email and edit as bub slept, or breastfed (typing one-handed, nothing like multi-tasking!). But I enjoyed it – as much as I love being a mum, I also love staying connected to the world and doing the odd bit of work allowed me to do that (I also had the luxury of regulating how much work I accepted).
I am due with baby #3 any day now and am taking a few months off – it will be interesting to see how it goes.
Keep up the great work Bec and keep enjoying that little man of yours – may his good sleeping continue
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The Purple Wiggle- hah!
I will never forget how my paediatrician sneered when he first came to visit me after my daughter was born, and noticed I had brought Franzen’s “The Corrections” (a hefty novel) into hospital to read. “You’ll never get through that!” he told me, “You’ll be FAR too busy with your baby.”
Well, guess what? Cam was a sleeper too (born at 36 weeks, so a little prem and therefore drowsy), she was my second child so I had some idea of what I was doing, and she didn’t seem to mind when I balanced the book on her head while she was nursing. I finished that book in 3 days- and made a point of getting my husband to bring in Zadie Smith’s “White Teeth” (another large tome) so I could read that in front of the paediatrican too.
Do what suits you, Bec.
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Kylie, you never fail to make me laugh and smile.
I might try balancing a book on Fin’s head! Will take a photo and send it to you! xxxx
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Surely blu-tak is the answer?!
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I was reading a magazine propped on LittleDude’s head while he had a breastfeed. A storm started, and I got so startled by a HUGE clap of thunder that I thwacked the mag straight into his head! He woke up, frowned at me, and then kept feeding.
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Get a Kindle or a smartphone app. Or download the Kindle for PC program to your laptop and put that on a side table beside your nursing chair. (Mwahaha, I’m such an enabler.)
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it’s not work per se, but I kept the eye on the clock all afternoon after having my second baby and discreetly and purposefully encouraged my family to leave before 7.30 as the new season of My Kitchen Rules was going to start and I didn’t want to miss it…
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Me too! Am totally into that show at the moment. Ava’s bedtime is 7pm — so it gives me a 30 minute buffer to get her story read before it starts!
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I worked while on strict bedrest for 3.5 months before my son was born at 29 weeks. Although I was stressed and incredibly tired, I didn’t take “time out”. Work was a welcome distraction for me, although I will never forgive one of my client who called the NICU an “inbuilt nanny service”. No-one should judge what decision you feel is right for you.
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OK, confession time. When I first saw you were working I had an Oh My God moment. But more from the how-is-her-brain-functioning, admiring-type standpoint. What does that say about me as a mother?
Maybe we should all stop worrying about what anything “says about me as a mother”. Maybe we should just get on with the business of being the best Mums we can be, in whatever way we choose. Making the decisions that are right for ourselves and our family.
But I have to say – baby AND toddler AND dog asleep at 7.30am? Turning a tiny shade of emerald right now.
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My son was a bit jaundice after he was born. He basically slept for 3 weeks non stop. I thought this is easy.. Then he woke up and I got the biggest fright of my life.
Hope lovely Fin keeps it up for you Bec. Xo
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That’s what I’m thinking! Any day now he’s going to “wake up” and it’s game over!!!!
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Oh Bec you are my baby twinnie lol.
I was emailing work within about an hour of my section. I’d given bubs a feed and Big Fella took Little Lad off for a bath and I was bored.
Four years ago with Red Rocket I was self employed, so didn’t have a ‘maternity leave’. I didn’t take any major contracts for around when she was born but I had my usual lobbying/media work for clients. Most of my clients were in the not for profit sector and thought nothing of Red Rocket coming everywhere with me, breastfeeding her in meetings etc. For me it was the perfect combination of having something to do when she was asleep and not being stressed or bored. She used to come to Canberra with me regularly and I don’t think she was in any way bothered by it. When she was awake and needed my attention she got all of it, but when she was asleep I got to do something else.
This time around I’m employed by a state government. I worked until I had Little Lad and they hadn’t backfilled me when he was born so my staff were still illicitly emailing me for direction and advice. Now they have backfilled me and I am BORED. Admittedly, I’m not used to being the ‘house person’ in our family so I’m sure I could be less bored if I cleaned more or something. What do you do when you are feeding for all those hours? If I read one more obscure blog on the republican primaries I’m going to scream. I like reading all this stuff and its nice to have some time to do it for fun, but I’m dying to DO something with it all.
Because of the way the industrial instruments are written for public servants (for good reason, to protect women being harassed on maternity leave) I can’t even get reports sent to me to read etc until I go back in August. The best i can do is loiter outside the building with little lad waiting for friends to harrass them for information and conversation.
I have no idea if people judge me for this and I don’t really care. For me newbornhood has way too much down time and not enough to fill it.
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I should add that obviously I like my work or I wouldn’t want to do it all the time! I find it enjoyable (most of the time) and can do most of it remotely which makes me one of those very lucky women.
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We should meet up for a coffee since you’re in Adelaide! xxx
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Dee- podcasts of audio books, I got all the classics I had been meaning to read on CD when my girl was a little ‘un. Hands free to cuddle but brain engaged. Admittedly I didn’t get through tale of two cities even with someone else reading.
Glad to hear things are going well for you!
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I hear ya Bec. My 2nd child was a sleeper, and for the first 4-6 weeks after she was born I found I had heaps of time to stay on top of emails, catch up on a bit of work that was left un-done due to her early arrival, read and relax.
I was still on the ‘just had a baby’ high (the happy hormones that give you the energy to cope with sleep deprivation, but that I barely needed!) and had too much energy and time on my hands to “just” deal with a newborn who did little but sleep while my toddler kept to her routine in daycare!
But of course all that changed when she ‘woke up’ at about 6 weeks of age.
In the meantime I say do whatever keeps you happy. You obviously love your work AND your family, and sometimes it really is possible to have it all (albeit briefly!)
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You realise that your admission that your newborn sleeps for hours at a time will just mean that every mum who reads this will switch from ‘judgmental’ to ‘horribly envious’ don’t you ?!
Good on you for doing what works for you. I struggled to bond with my first baby after a difficult labour, so this time, when my son was born, I spent hours and hours just lying in bed and cuddling with him. But I also spent much of my many breastfeeding hours developing an unhealthy addiction to Angry Birds. So really, it sounds like you used your time a lot more productively!
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True!!! Well Ava cried day and night due to reflux for the first 8 weeks of her life … so I’m in a bit of shock with Fin!! When you’ve had a reflux baby it’s totally strange to have a baby who sleeps!!! Am enjoying it while it lasts! You know, I have never played Angry Birds … I might go and download it!
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Bec! You have never played Angry Birds?? God. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. (While you’re at it, get Tiny Wings!)
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An words with friends….
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Love this post. I love what I do and run my own business, so I never ‘stopped’… a lot of employee friends thought I was crazy / couldn’t understand why I actually enjoyed doing both… we’re all going to wonder why people are choosing to do what they’re doing to some degree, but that’s the beauty of our uniqueness – we have our whole own view of what makes sense to each of us
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It depends on you and your baby, and your situation. Everyone is different so you have to do what is right for you.
(And we all love hearing from you so it works out for everyone!)
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Legend has it my mum was writing press releases in between contractions when she went into labour with me. She also worked in PR 20-something years ago. Hmmmm
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My cousin was facebooking in between contractions. She is such a facebook junkie that she knew people would think something was going on if she suddenly disappeared for a few hours.
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After going through a redundancy whilst on parental leave last year, I really had to work at finding a job rather than return to my cushy last one. It was the hardest thing I have had to do as I felt like a loser.
I am so grateful I have found something I will enjoy. I am so glad I have a job. I have felt my confidence return after such a challenging year. Do what makes you happy.
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Bec, it’s not like you are going into the office working 12 hour days. Your job allows you to work from home and let’s face it, the world we live in now, allows us to keep in contact via tweets, Facebook, etc.
I sell my artwork, if I chose to paint whilst the baby is asleep, is that classed as working or mummy time out?
You write, you love it and it’s a way of still feeling something other than mum, milk bar, or kiddy entertainer!
Love your writing!
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I’m self-employed, and I LOVE my job. It’s flexible, I do it from my desk here at home, and my clients are happy. I kept working with all my bubs. With #4, I left hospital after 5 hours and was back with the family, and back in the usual routine of working whenever there is a moment for it!
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I think this means you’re lucky – it shows you are in a job you love.
Although, would be hella terrible if women were pressured to do things like this after having a baby, if you want to do it – why stop yourself?
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100% agree! If I was pressured to go back to work I bet I wouldn’t have wanted to! Mia is a dream boss and said to me “Take off as long as you want. Come back when you want. And you can choose your hours.”
DREAM BOSS.
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Can Mia please be my boss?! Bec you are so, so fortunate. I am struggling negotiating my return to work with my less than flexible manager. Ugh.
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You send those emails Bec! There’s nothing worse then a mother that loses herself in her children. Keep doing what you love! Motherhood is about multitasking!
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I hear ya. I had my second bubba at 8am and by the evening I was back on my laptop. I worked through my stay at hospital – much like you – I was bored when bubba was asleep, so really what’s the harm? I didn’t take a break with either child, I enjoy working- its part of who I am. Thankfully, I was never judged by those around me – its more the norm than not with our group of friends: we work, we enjoy it – why stop if it makes you happy and you can handle both and bubba isn’t neglected?
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Firstly – congratulations on the safe arrival of Fin
Secondly- you and you alone are his mother… if ” the bed unmade and the dishwasher un-packed if it means I can write for 30 minutes. Okay 40.” means that you are more relaxed and happier then so be it. If that 40 minutes means when you are less stressed then that can only be a good thing for Ava and Fin (and you of course)
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All the best to you!! Each to their own, and I hope things continue in the same relaxed way. My transitions were always a little bumpier than that, but smooth sailing for met at the moment! Enjoy.
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Exactly! He may not stay this sleepy! So I may disappear next week! If you guys don’t see me on here it means I’m dealing with a no-longer sleepy bub!!!!
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Love this post. Assumptions are the worst thing to base judgments on.
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Your life, your way Bec! Do what ever you want, whatever feels right, whatever works. As long as you, & your family, are happy & healthy, it’s not anybody’s business. xx
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It really depends on your industry, I think, Bec. I mean, you guys are writers for a website, so you can work anywhere.
I think for me, as a solicitor, it is much much harder to work remotely. It’s just the nature of the type of work I do. In this field of work I think it creates confusion for the files and the clients, especially when court work is involved. I reckon it would be much better to just do a complete switch off. But, that is law only – no idea about other professions!
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Totally agree, WS. I work part-time from home and my job is the sort that is easy to dip in and out of! Plus it never feels like “work” … it’s like hanging out with friends!
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Wasn’t sure where to add this comment. Just wanted to say to all the mums not working and just resting or trying to survive one day at a time. Your doing a fantastic job too. From a mum who took he baby to work for 9 months mainly through necessity. To suffering post natal depression with second and third. I think we’d be hard pressed to find a mum not putting their babies first.
This only took me an hour to write between milks, breakfasts and please get dressed for school.
And I’m only a day later than everyone else responding. Hey I could be just talking to myself. I’ll pretend your all reading or I think they call it madness. Lol
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My wife – bless her – was making work calls the very next day. Dozens of them. And she was back at work a week later. She’s a workaholic who truly loves her job. Yes, some people were horrified and pulled out the “what kind of mother” crap but that’s her personality and who she is. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the twins – which is ridiculously off the mark – just that she needed to be doing things. Work things. Which is why I’m the primary caregiver – I had the personality better suited to it. It’s nothing to do with gender and, thankfully, the few remarks she personally heard amused her rather than upset her.
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love! i got some of my best work done in my baby’s naptimes when i was freelancing.
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Congrats Bec ! I’m a mum of 2 – You can do anything your mind and heart sets out to do ! I agree on most posts -who cares what other people think ? As long as you are are happy it will show through your mothering whether full time part time career woman or not !! Xx mums are all special
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