Bec and Fin
BY REBECCA SPARROW
It was one of those delicious rumours that spread through my hometown twenty years ago; propelled along because of its irresistibly juicy mix of perceived bad behaviour and motherhood. It was one of those rumours that many of us love: one that allows us to tut-tut another woman’s choices.
You see a very well known PR woman in town (I’ll call her Susie) had just given birth to her second child. Rumour had it that she was reading faxes as they wheeled her into delivery. And that she was annoying hospital staff by attempting to work from her hospital bed after her child was born. Think Alexis Carrington in labour and you get the picture.
Can you imagine? The nineteen-year-old me (a Communications student at the time) was horrified and appalled. What Type Of Woman can’t just be in the moment of having a baby? What Type of Mother is so obsessed with work that she’s writing media releases from her hospital bed?
What type of mother indeed.
And then two weeks ago I had a baby. And I sent a work-related email from my Smartphone just hours after my beautiful son Fin was born. Oh yes, yes I did. And then a few days later I sent some work-related tweets.
I know. HOW COULD I?
And Lord did it make people feel uncomfortable.
“Why are you working? Stop working!” said one friend.
“What is she doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” said another in a group email.
“Just enjoy your son!!!!”
“Tell me you’re NOT working!”
“Shouldn’t you be watching TV or reading or – hello? – sleeping?”
Of course, in my case, unlike Susie’s, my friends had my best interests at heart. They weren’t judging me. More concerned. A certain Sass & Bide loving woman we all know just wanted to move into my house, make me cups of tea and do my washing.
But still. Their reactions got me thinking.
It seems that when it comes to having a baby the judgement doesn’t end with how we have the baby (drugs or no drugs, Caesar or natural). Nor how we feed the baby (breast or bottle or both). Or who or how we care for our baby (Stay at home? Work full time? Daycare?). There’s also a certain way we’re expected to behave straight after the birth.
My divine son Fin was born at 36 weeks. Healthy but sleepy with jaundice. And so in my room he slept. And slept. And slept. For the week we were in hospital (as doctors monitored his jaundice) it was like living with the Purple Wiggle. As for me, I was BORED. BORED. There, I said it. While Fin snuffled and snoozed in his crib next to my bed for four-hour stretches, I channel surfed on the TV; read a few chapters of a fab novel (The Boys’ Club by Wendy Squires); and then – with Fin still asleep – I picked up my phone and checked my emails. And when a group work email came through – asking a question, I could easily answer off the top of my head – I answered it.
My bad.
I promise you, Fin didn’t even notice. Didn’t feel neglected. I wasn’t madly writing emails while my son wailed beside me. Nope. He was out like grout – in the Land of Nod dreaming of well, who knows what babies dream about. Boobs, probably.
But the reaction to my “type and click” had surprised me. And for a moment, made me question my mothering skills. What kind of mother sends an email just hours after her son is born? This one apparently.
Two weeks later, I wonder if it’s weird that I’m even writing this post. It’s 7.30am. Fin’s asleep. So is Ava. Even the dog is curled up on a cushion. And I’m sitting here with a cup of tea and some peanut butter toast and I’m doing what I love: writing. And thinking about the books we’re planning to publish this year via Mamamia Publishing. And frankly I’d rather leave the bed unmade and the dishwasher un-packed if it means I can write for 30 minutes. Okay 40.
As for Susie, I wish I could apologise to her. Did she really send faxes and write reports from hospital? Who knows. The point is, it doesn’t matter. And frankly, it was none of my business.
How soon did you return to work after having a baby?
Comments
141 Comments so far
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Well i own a business, and if i dont keep an eye on things like emails then the whole place may shit itself a little….i dont need to be emailing while i push or anything but i will be keeping my eye on my emails when the new bubby is resting! The main guts of the business will be looked after, but there is just certain things that cannot be done by anyone but me….and if i dont do it, i dont make money, which means my family might get hungry and i like food! So i wont be dancing into my shop, but i will be checking those emails the minute I can and when bubby needs me i wont look at a single email….and washing and cleaning can quite easily be done by my husband…he has two feet and a heart beat
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I work at 7 News in Melbourne…an hour after my son was born, I was watching our News. He’s 10 months old now, and I’ve just returned to work full time. The entire time I was on leave, I never missed a night and stayed in touch with work via blackberry. And that doesn’t make me a bad mum – it just means I love my work and my industry!
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We are lucky, and unlucky, in a way, that we can actually still be involved without actually being there. That we can send an email and still contribute, which still maintaining the focus of family, or recovery, or whatever happens to be the main event at the time.
If you choose to do so, fine. If you choose to ignore and stay ‘in the moment’, fine.
Recently, the wife of one of our band directors here gave birth (last Wed). He intended to take the rest of the week and the weekend and return on the Monday. He works hard in his job, he is there first in the mornings and is usually the last to leave. If he had returned to work on the Monday, I know it would have been with the approval of his wife, as they had discussed the need to be as committed to this job early on, before she became pregnant.
However, he took the entire next week off as well. And everyone had just as much respect for that as if he had returned when he said. Perhaps even he had underestimated the impact of having your own child.
It can go both ways. And no one should be judged for their reaction to something as life-changing as having a child.
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hell – i was negotiating a house settlement with ex husband through the settlement agent whilst having major contractions, signing and scanning documents to email off because I knew that i would be unable to do so for at least 2-3 days. my daughter came 2 hours later. I had also had an exhibition for my works the day prior. Life and babies happen.
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Bec you rock! I love seeing you on MM you are my fave! Again I’m so happy for you! X
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Bec, I read this post and wanted to comment on a couple of things. First needed to say what a gorgeous photo of you and Fin on the right – brings a smile to my face. Second – what magic potion do you use to get your kids to sleep past 7.30am (no kidding after several years I feel like the day has been wasted if I don’t have a child wake me at the crack of dawn). Ialso had problems adjusting to my time in hospital and on day 2 asked Andrew to bring in a little radio so I could tune into ABC RNBreakfast as I told him “If I have to watch another minute of morning TV, I will go crazy!!”. Today I submitted an article for publication on the subject – whose opinion really matters, when published I will send you a link. Finally, in the spirit of honesty …soon after arriving home with my number 1 child, I was emailing while breastfeeding – doing neither well – when I decided that I would put tighter limits around when I would work (baby asleep or chilling out) and when I would concentrate and be focused on baby stuff – very important decision for my sanity.
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I run my own business. I was coordinating deliveries and hour before the birth and taking sales calls right after. It’s one of the things you have to do if you’re going to run a business.
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Yes the judgement is everywhere – especially from other women I have found since I’ve been pregnant (now 23 weeks). I get judged for choosing to leave work at 30 weeks. I just think ‘why do you care?!’ It’s my life!
People need to stop judging – life is complicated! So Rebecca send your emails I say! Whatever makes you feel happy and satisfied!
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Great response, it is my life, why do you care? It is rare that I feel judged, I think it is because I don’t hear it as judgment, instead I hear it as someone else expressing an opinion that is different to mine, they are entitled to their opinion just as I am entitled to not take it on board.
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Do what you want, I say!
If you want to get back to work 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years after giving birth then more power to you… as long as it’s your choice.
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I paid our workers from my hospital bed (yay Iphone) two days after Ari was born and have continued to do the admin to keep our business going since then.
This means my husband has time to hold his son when he gets home after a 12 hour day instead of sitting on the computer messing about with the BAS, invoices, the website, superannuation and all the other little boringnesses which come with running your own business.
It only takes an hour or two a day, tops, and he sleeps more than that.
I also cook, clean, do endless washing and see friends and family – what’s the difference?
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Congrats. Fin is perfect and beautiful. Now I’m clucky again. Funny post.
When my second was born I left the hospital 4 hrs later and stopped off at the local supermarket for a thank-you bottle of champagne to give to the babysitter of my first. It caused sheer alarm and people questioned my sanity. hehe People were actually “watching” me to see if I was going to display other bizarre behaviour.
When my 3rd was born, I drove myself home from hosp because my hubby had already left to look after our first and second. The hosp was an hour away. Rumours flew around the town. He was “the worst husband”, “obviously we were on the rocks”, “I was left at hospital on my own tut tut” – but no, it was just practical on the day.
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I am so glad I am not the only one to drive myself home from hospital.I gave birth at 6pm stayed overnight and left at 8am, my husband looked worse than I did after a evening of “celabrating ” and I didnt quite trust his driving skills with a 14 hour old new born in the car!
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Oh Bec, I love all your posts – but this is my all time favourite. I was blessed with a perfect, sleeping baby and I was bored. Bored in the hospital, bored at home, bored, bored, bored. I was never bored when he was awake, just when he was asleep and wouldn’t play with me. Oh the judgement I copped when I went back to work when he was 3 months old and put him in, gasp, day care! However when he was three and decided he didn’t like being in day care any more and our financial situation changed so I could quit my job and stay home with him, no one said well done – good decision! It’s not just that people are quick to jump to judgements, it’s also that generally people prefer to comment on the negative, rather than the positive.
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I too went back to work when my littlie was 5 months old, full time and boy was I judged. This year she turns 4 and I have chosen to drop back to part time. She now knows I’m going to be home, she didn’t know a thing when she was a baby. No one has said ‘good idea’ to me either, more like ‘why would you do that?’…strange!
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Absolutely! why not make the most of the time when they’re sleeping.. especially if they’re a good sleeper! Why is it that emails and doing ‘work’ are an issue for people, but if you were doing household chores that wouldn’t be? In fact I have heard plenty of people criticise mothers for not having a clean house post-bub!
I was also bored out of my brain in the first three months.. yes, you’re busy, but with a couple of slow feeders, I would be sitting b-feeding for at least an hour at a time. As I also run my own business, I would spend quite a chunk of that time either on the phone or iPad. That way I wouldn’t have to do those things when bub was awake and interested in play. I sure find getting that sort of quiet time a lot harder now with an 18mth old and 4 year old!
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Little baby Fin is adorable! Congrats.
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Multitasking!!!
We are women – we are born to do more than one thing at a time.
Well done Bec
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A great post Bec. As someone holding a six week old myself, whilst typing this comment – I remember answering emails and I filled out all the paperwork that needed to be filled out for baby during my hospital stay. Just like you baby was sleeping and was looking for things to do.
Congratulations on the safe arrival of Fin, I hope Ava is enjoying being a big sister!
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It’s a first world judgement. Nobody questions mothers in poor countries when they have a baby and continue caring for the rest of the family and working in the fields or similar.
Do what you like, I say.
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i was in the hospital bed on the Monday after my baby was born and I felt guilty.
I felt as though my boss would ring and to ask why I was late for work, and that the other couple, whose baby this REALLLY was, would come in and say that the game was up, hand her over, and I needed to get back to work.
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Um, shouldn’t that be the YELLOW Wiggle? (yuh know, jaundiced…) Man, I crack myself up.
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LOL!
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I get it. I so get it. The balance with work & bub will shift as needed, not necessarily as is socially convenient
I don’t get much time anymore to comment on Mamamia anymore but I wanted to say how thrilled I am for you. Your little boy is absolutely beautiful and you define the term ‘glowing Mum’! I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter – you and your family deserve every happiness and every new memory can only add to those already in your heart. I know many others have said the same, but I really wanted to wish you well.
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Lucky for us that you were sending emails and writing posts, now you just need to keep us to date with photos of your beautiful son.
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Brilliant post. Just brilliant.
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Oh I totally get it!! With my third, I had covered an event for a newspaper as a freelancer (the walking around at said event, it turns out, put me into labour at 37 weeks about 5 hours after I’d clocked off). SO, middle of the night, post event I trundled into hospital, had a baby at 7am and woke all my friends who were at the event and hungover on a Sunday morning with the text message news that while yes, they had seen me at 1am leaving the concernt, but since then, I’d had a baby.
Anyway, because I’d covered the event as a freelancer, I wasn’t going to get paid until I’d submitted my story and photos to the publication – cue me ringing my husband to bring in the laptop and camera and notebook to write up the story and send the pics. I wasn’t going to be put into labour for work and not get paid for it! LOL
And I got the same response as you Bec – the “what are you doing? writing from your hospital bed while feeding?” … my response was “well, sort of. Not feeding, but this adjustable bed is great for sitting and writing on!?!”
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Bec, I’m so glad you received such a supportive response to this post. Although, I shouldn’t be surprised with the lovely MM community!
As we discussed on this topic, there is a big difference between working because you have to and working because you love it. When you love what you do it’s not as much working than doing something for yourself, amongst all that you do for your baby. Feeding your own soul in between feeding your gorgeous son.
I too was texting, emailing and posting photos of my second child in the hours after she was born. I wanted to share my excitement with everyone, not isolate myself! And I finished writing my musical in the first 8 weeks of her life, when I got more writing done than I had in ages.
When she started to wake up a bit more things did change slightly, so I say use this time when he sleeps now to get stuff done, while you can. Because when he’s awake there’s no competition. A laptop is nice, but it can’t do a milk drunk face.
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Couldn’t agree more with all of the above and wanted to add that I doubt many brand new dads cop any of the same ‘criticism’ or indeed self doubt about working immediately after the birth of their child.
Often I suspect they get judged the other way and are simply expected to ‘get on with it’.
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Great read Bec. I always wonder why mothers are the harshest judges on the planet.. we should be running the justice system.. many would be behind bars for every little thing! I think my husband took a photo of me on my phone as I was being taken to have my placenta surgically removed. I didn’t even get to spend the first hour with my baby.. and I also got “wow you are on facebook” etc straight away but I wanted the news to come from me and photos to come from me (control freak alert).. I had already prepared the birth announcement in the style of the movie poster and just inserted the details so it to was sent off just hours after the birth).. giving birth is not like losing a limb.. you don’t type with a swollen fanny! the first week is cruisy and whilst hospital may be a boring, I loved having my meals bought to me and no housework so I was in no rush to be “not bored”.. plenty of time for that now! Best wishes in what will be an amazing time for you and Fin (he is super delicious btw).
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Jac, I sense that perhaps you have had a really bad day. And if that is the case, then it could the be reason you have mis-understood the point of the article.
As for the tone of your comment, I can’t actually believe the moderators of this site have not deleted it. We all know what people mean when they say ‘freaking’.
And for the record, yes, Bec is fucking terrific.
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I did delete it! I have no idea why that didn’t work…..
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I finished writing a uni assignment a couple of hours after giving birth – A deadline’s a deadline and a sleeping baby is an opportunity to get things done!
I was tougher or something back then. No chance I could do that now.
Congrats on your little man
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You dear women are just plain rude.
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Jac, you have completely missed the point. It’s a shame you also felt the need to be rude.
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well done to you Bec and congrats on your boy he is jsut so beautiful and i cannot stop looking at his photos and reading the posts about him! I agree I found hospital so boring, my boy is 4 months old and also slept throughout his whole time in hospital.Maternity visiting hours are so strict (4-8pm only) so the whole day was just so boring! As for you doing work, if you enjoy writing then do it. Whilst your writing just happens to be your work, each person has thier ‘thing’. some people choose thier down time to cook, some to clean, others to sew, watch dvds etc, you select to do writing in your down time because you find it relaxing and enjoyable. And please keep writing for us! Especially if they include Fin pictures!
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The first one is special. When it’s number 5 then you just stay in hospital long enough to pack your sponge bag. Everyone at home is so impatient to see the new arrival. So… 6 hours an d I was outta there, home, making school lunches, putting washing on, and getting on with being a family. Whatever it takes to rejoin the human race. 6 hours or 6 weeks. You will be able to gaze into their eyes for the rest of your life.
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Rebecca, congratulations on your beautiful boy.
One thing I wish for all mothers – you and me included – is to stop justifying our choices. The judgement NEVER stops! Next thing people will question your ability to parent simply because you choose to make cupcakes for his first birthday instead of a fire engine cake or whatever. As long as you’re not harming your child, who cares how people respond and what they might think?!
Please, let’s break the mould and stop justifying ourselves! I would never have known I needed to do it until others started doing it.
BE the mum YOU are! Not what others project on to you.
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So true, Elmo! Totally agree with you.
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A fabulous read, Bec. I’ve had two friends launch into explanations to me in the past week regarding their choices about feeding & work. quite frankly I long for the day when the sisterhood didn’t feel the pressure to justify. It was with a heavy heart that I, as a mum of 2, assured both that whatever their choices thru shouldn’t feel compelled to discuss that with anyone. Sure I was there to listen, console, cook, reassure & advise (when requested). Mostly though, I just wanted to tell them they’ve done the most amazing, special, and life changing thing. Enjoy it. The sleep or sleeplessness. The work or the rest. The breast or bottle feeding. The swaddled or unswaddled baby. The list goes on. Brand new mums with brand new babies feeling so insecure in their decisions (by their own admissions) that they explained away. I will say to you, Bec, what I said to them. You’re a mum. You’re amazing. Now tell me how much you love your boy..again. Go on, one more time. Call me tomorrow & tell me again.
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Love that last bit, Michelle! Such a gorgeous friend you must be!
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Fin is BEAUTIFUL, in a kind of “it hurts and brings tears to my eyes, I just love him even though I don’t know him” way. And you look amazing, radiant, happy Bec. Great post too. All the best! x
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You know what Jac, having recently seen my other half go through it, I’m happy to “applaud praise” on any woman who has just pushed a baby out of their vagina.
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I never read jac comments as I’m always a day late. I can guess.
But Dave you keep praising women all you like as you can see the crap we deal with day to day. Keep it coming I say. I for one am listening.
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great article!! xxx
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It’s nice to play grown-ups for a few minutes at least when you’re home with little ones. Enjoy it when you can. Go Bec!
PS You look incredibly beautiful in those post-baby photos, aglow.
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Gosh! Don’t worry Bec. I have always woken early, got my cup of tea and sat down and checked my email and then on to the internet. When a child wakes I get them their drink and breakfast… and now with a laptop we sit together. There’s no big deal. In fact I think it is essential as a mother to have access to the outside world to ensure you are still in touch with reality.
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Hi Jac
I’m sorry that this article seems to have offended you though I think you have perhaps missed the point of it. It’s not about saying “Aren’t I terrific?” — I’m not entirely sure how you got that idea. it was about the expectations and judgement that comes with childbirth. And yes, the replies on the post have been incredibly supportive of me but I suspect that’s because the majority of readers here know that my last baby was stillborn — so with the safe arrival of my son Fin they are tending to shower me with love and throw me a parade and say “Good on you!” even if I write out the alphabet.
As for highlighting the feats achieved by women in developing nations who give birth … I’m acutely aware of what they are since I work with an international aid organisation.
Thanks for your feedback though.
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Bec, you wrote out the alphabet!?!?! Wait, I’m ordering a band.
)
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I am copping flak for doing the opposite – I plan to take a full year off and to finish one month before the birth. A workmate plans on returning after a few months, and even then will work from home, and working up til when she gives birth.
I don’t understand why it can’t be a “each to their own” thing? I’m happy for those who want to get back to it earlier than I, I just wish people would respect my choice too!
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ABSOLUTELY Mishko! It should be each to their own. I have lots of friends who took a year off and some who plan to stay home permanently. We should support each other’s choices not question them. I hope you love your time at home with your new baby. xxx
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Oh this gave me a good laugh Bec. I’ve missed your writing!
I just came back from the physio and I was sitting on the massage bed with this stupid vibrating thing on my foot – I sprained it the other day. I was so BORED! My iPhone was on the floor which I couldn’t reach because I was being treated for my pain.
Like Mia’s column the other day about living in the moment… I think it’s getting increasingly hard. Well for me it is anyway. I can do it sometimes but other times I fail hopelessly and I feel guilty for it.
Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to not be perfect – whether that be a perfect mother or just trying to take care of my stupid foot.
If I could give this article a hundred thumbs up I would!
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I so hear you! My daughter was born at 35 weeks and until she was ‘at term’, I seriously didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. She was jaundiced too and she slept, and slept and slept, and didn’t want to feed (my biggest stress – she decided to loose the sucking reflex for a little while there…). I managed to write a huge lot of Christmas cards, clean the house, catch up on books…I was going out of my mind for something to do.
And then almost exactly when she was ‘at term’ she woke up and found her lungs..and oh boy did she learn how to use them.
Enjoy these moments now!:)
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Love, love, love! xxx We mums are amazing -and so are our bubs.
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Back in the office when bubs was 6 days old. Full time. Actually attended client meeting first day back. We are all un-scarred 18 months later!
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I’m actually curious as to how this worked… who looked after the baby while you were at work?
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His Nanny – who’s also a friend. still does, now and will hopefully continue to right up until he starts kindy.
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Well done Bec, if you want to send emails then do it. It can be lonely when you are used to working and you suddenly are not. I missed my friends from work so much when I had my babes. If they had email/FB then I would have been on it in labour!!!
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I think the best support that women can give each other is to support their decisions, whatever they are.
Good for you Bec for being able to find a fabulous balance for you and your family. After all, isn’t that perfect balance what we are all trying to achieve?!
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Great article, ditto to this comment
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If you love your work, if in fact it’s not like work at all, then it’s going to be far more interesting to engage with that than, say, channel surf!
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Great post Bec! I know what you mean. I didn’t send emails from my hospital bed but I did inadvertantly (but quite happily) take one or two work calls and discuss work with my husband who had only started in the business 2 weeks prior! Also, I managed to do a heck of a lot of work from home on my computer in those first few months because I was blessed with a child who slept….a lot! It’s not quite the same now with a 1 year old at home who needs constant attention, yet I am supposed to be able to work more not less than I did with a newborn?! As long as you and the baby are happy and healthy, what you do and when you do it doesn’t matter. Enjoy this special time!
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Lots of people are straight back into it. My friends are all having their first right now and the longest leave any has taken was 3 months, mostly because they plan on being pregnant with the next one within a year when they plan to take longer off.
I did similar, three times, but I burnt out after a few years and took a career break when my youngest was 2. I wish you could save maternity leave for when they get older!
Fin is one cute little boy! Can’t resist those cheeks!
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Yes I agree. And it is a woman’s choice. I felt the quiet and aloneness and needed to reach out too from my hospital bed. And that amazing exhilaration I felt for the first few days left me unable to sleep. Let women respond how they feel best too. Babies are busy sleeping for many many hours each day.
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Thanks everyone for your comments on this post today. You’ve made me feel much more normal!
And here’s a pic of Fin that I took this morning … he’s smoochalicious!
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Look at that grin on his face!He’s so enjoyng this being born business…
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Completely smootchalicious!!!
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He is scrumptious!!
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Congratulations he is gorgeous. 3 of mine had jaundice too, he still has his jaundice tan!
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Next you’ll be saying you left Fin in the library alone while you were tweeting and emailing!
Seriously, love reading your writing Bec and so lovely to hear about the safe arrival of Fin.
x
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I just laughed so much at that!!!