I decided that I didn’t like Rahna Reiko Rizzuto before she even opened her mouth. I thought I knew enough about the American writer to make up my mind. To decide that she was selfish and self-absorbed. To know that I didn’t understand her. Frankly, I didn’t want to. You see, in 2001 Rizzuto decided that full-time motherhood wasn’t for her. That alone is enough to push society’s buttons. When her two boys were aged 3 and 5, Rizzuto left them with their father while she pursued her career in another country for six months. She eventually left her marriage and gave up physical custody of her young boys and instead joint-parented (the way many fathers do) from a house nearby. She says she never wanted kids and that she felt “lost” being a full-time mother. LOST. I am practically eye-rolling as I type.
Ten years later Rizzuto has written Hiroshima in the Morning, a book chronicling her decision to leave her 20-year marriage and her young children and the repercussions she experienced from friends. Rizzuto appeared on the Today Show in the US earlier this year talking about the book…
I’ve been grappling with my feelings about Rizzuto ever since I watched that interview 12-hours ago. I get the feeling of disappearing as a person when you have children. Totally understand that some days you want a break. Some time out. A freaking large scotch. The chance to have a conversation on the phone that LASTS LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES. I get it. I’ve been there. As the mother of a nearly-three-year-old, some days I’m still there. But in my book, you stay in the room. What type of indulgence is it to decide AFTER having children that actually, “Kids, I’m just not that into you.” What kind of trauma is set into motion when a mother leaves the family home? And if you don’t want children why have one? Why have TWO?
And then.
And then I found this piece written by Rizzuto on Salon.com entitled, Why I Left My Children (click the title to read the full story). In part she writes:
Rahna Reiko Rizzuto has written a book about leaving her children.
“I never wanted to be a mother.I was afraid of being swallowed up, of being exhausted, of opening my eyes one day, 20 (or 30!) years after they were born, and realizing I had lost myself and my life was over. Yet their father wanted a family. He begged. He promised to take care of everything; he removed every possible obstacle I could think of. He would be the primary caretaker if I would just have them.
It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? I am a cold bitch. I was never a mother in anything but name. I am probably one of those women who will be arrested for going to a nearby bar and leaving my children asleep in a house with a faulty pilot light: a house in flames. I am a bad mother. But that’s not true either.
My problem was not with my children, but with how we think about motherhood. About how a male full-time caretaker is a “saint,” and how a female full-time caretaker is a “mother.” It is an equation we do not question; in fact we insist on it. And we punish the very idea that there are other ways to be a mother.”
It’s a confronting statement: “We punish the very idea that there are other ways to be a mother.” She’s right, of course. Because Rizzuto is still mothering her sons. She just chose to do it her own way. A way that worked for her. And maybe was better for her sons.
The fact is turning your back on full-time motherhood is the last great taboo. As a mother you’re allowed to feel overwhelmed. To admit to wanting a break. Even to finding motherhood tedious. But mothers aren’t allowed to say they want to leave. Society says we’re not allowed to say that motherhood or even full-time motherhood isn’t working for us. That we want to opt out. Go part-time and from a different location, no less. It goes against the grain of everything we’ve been told or been sold. That motherhood is natural. A natural instinct. But what if it’s not?
And if a mother doesn’t want to be there, aren’t the kids better off without her? Or if a mother decides she would be a better parent if she was the one who moved out (but close by) why does that press our buttons? And why is there none of this angst and hand-wringing when a father abandons his kids? There’s none because we’re used to it. (And I mean that in the sense that we verbally-bash mothers who leave more than fathers, in my opinion.)
I don’t know how I feel about Rizzuto. No part of me can fathom leaving my child. But I do think I can accept that for some women motherhood makes them feel like a square peg trying to be forced in a round hole.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by motherhood, please call Lifeline on 131114 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
** This post has been updated.
What do you think of Rizzuto’s decision? Should we be more accepting of mothers going part-time? Could you leave your kids for six months? Are there some days when you fantasise about walking away?.
Comments
316 Comments so far
I have never been a full-time Mum – there I said it!
It is also possible to pursue a career and not be a full-time mother but still love your child and be involved in the best way possible just not everyday or in the traditional sense. Right now I am having my cake and eating it too…. We are just doing it our way and not societies way but I don’t think I am a bad mother
We live in the Middle East for my career and my husband is a stay at home Dad. In 6 months time my husband and I are going to have to live apart (complete opposite sides of the world) for 1 year to allow us both to continue our current career paths. He will be commuting on a month on month off basis so I can stay here and pursue my career. Our 2 year old daughter will spend the majority of this time here with me (and her Dad here on his months off) but she will also spend several 1 month blocks back in Australia with her Dad and I will be here all alone. We are equal parents and it would be selfish of me to insist she stay with me full-time because I am her Mum.
We are expecting a lot of criticiscm and lack of understanding, lord knows we got enough when we moved here in the first place but this is our choice and I challenge anybody to meet our little girl and tell me she doesn’t have a wonderful family life and is growing into a beautiful little lady.
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This reminds me a lot of Julianne Moore’s character in The Hours. She married a kind man, had his children, did what she felt she was expected to do. Then, after two near suicide attempts, she got on a bus and left. She knew her children were in good hands.
Maybe this is more believable in the 1950s than today, but I have friends who fell into marriage because unconsciously, they’d been taught that this was what would make them happy. There are so, so many ways to be a mother. I know mothers like Mrs Weasley in Harry Potter (to keep going with the pop culture refs!), who’d mother the whole world if they could, amazing women who actively choose to stay at home. I know mothers who let the dads be primary caregiver after a divorce, while they did the whole weekends and special occasions thing. I know stay at home dads. To be honest, I think her children may well end up better adjusted for having a mother who refused to compromise and is still an active force in their lives. Or not. Who knows.
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Talk about first world problems… Well adjusted middle class dad raising kids without mum – oh no!!! Dinner on the table, family around to help with life, running water, tv, ipod, iphone etc. Good schools, nutritious food, emotional support and so on and so forth. And then this woman has to cope with the ill-considered judgement of all the indignant Mummies of Australia busy peeling frozen grapes and pureeing organic cauliflower for their precious offspring in between posting indignant ‘I could never leave my special darling’ posts on Mammamia.
Are we serious here? This is the worst thing we can imagine? A woman doesn’t want to be a full time mother and give up her entire being to fulfil the desires of her husband who wanted the children in the first place. He wanted them and now he has them. The problem with this is?
What a crock this website and all it’s first world, holier than thou ‘mummy is the only important thing’ is. I am disengaging from all of it. Feel free to reply with the usual expected mass-mummy cloned skwarking, as usual the ‘Notify me of follow-up comments’ link won’t work and i will be oblivious……
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I think it’s highly inflammatory to use the term ‘leave’ in this woman’s situation. There was another woman who did something similar and appeared on Oprah some years back. To use her explanation, she left the marital home, not her children. She wasn’t in love with her husband and full-time motherhood didn’t suit her. She doesn’t deserve any more condemnation than the many men before her who have done the exact same thing, but for a woman to not want to be the primary carer of her children raises terms like abandonment and heartless.
To not accept that some women feel this way and to support their decision to leave the family home is a giant step backwards in the old game of gender equality.
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i am from another country. was coerced to move here within months of giving birth. was abused financially and emotionally by the dysfunctional and frankly mental australian father. i have been dragged through the courts on false allegations as i tried to gain independence after leaving him years ago by moving to a neighbouring suburb..then…due to his continued neglect and coerciveness (breaking every parenting order to hurt my work hours/never paying child support/sending bullying msgs)..i decided it was time to go to my home country. i sit here disgusted as after all the time he dragged me thru court NEVER were the best interests of the childen considered as much as that is touted. they were put on an airport watch list out of spite by him and i was told not to argue it by my OWN legal representation…they had to say goodbye to a dying grandparent on a skype camera. this man beat me, broke my things….refused to support our child is a roaring gambler…my relocation order never got to court due to one bad rep after another for my side. None of the lawyers involved ever did what I requested and tried to jam the kids need their dad routine down my throat. i was told I DID NOT COUNT. I gave birth…nurtured, paid all their bills, lived in poverty here due to the messed up laws that seem to penalise single moms that even work. but…I DID NOT COUNT. I had a great relationship with a guy I know from my home country..still in the home country….my ex set out to destroy it by all the litigation and practically did. This man wanted to father the children and was/is financially responsible and nurturing and concerned for their education. He was told HE DID NOT COUNT in court. The only thing that appears to count here is the men having access to kids short of being caught sexually or physically abusing the kids..which they still put the onus on women to prove. What is my choice now? I may be forced to go home to work overseas and leave the kids with the ex, who never wanted them full time ever as he never had responsibillity for them. It is tormenting me. We have been cut off from all family back home, I have no support here and the cost of living is outrageous. And no financial pressure is put on men to help here. They can dodge child support unlike in my home country…so what do I think? I think until women are seen as critically important in their child’s live and properly supported to have a full life as well as raise children instead of being seen as selfish for trying to make choices TRULY in the best interest of the children….that there are a lot of women who secretly want to go….as their hands are often tied and the stress of living in poverty without a break or respite is exhausting. So either i become financially viable where women arent penalised for it and get my sense of empowerment back to be able to be a whole woman and better mom or the kids and i live in poverty at risk of losing everything and never having our extended family…that is no way to live…yet Australia is archaic and forces it on women…..
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When my parents decided to have children my Mum made it very clear from the start that she wouldn’t be a stay at home mother and would pursue her career to the fullest. She went back to work as soon as possible after having her 2 kids and my Dad became a stay-at-home father. She rose through the ranks and when I was 10 she had to move 3 hours from home for her next promotion. She lived away during the week but came back on weekends, and this continued for about 4 years.
We lived in a small, conservative community which didn’t look favourably on her decisions and our family situation – people saw my Dad as a martyr and my mother as heartless. My Mum is my hero – I am so proud of her. Her being away for large periods of time wasn’t detrimental to my upbringing and/or emotional health; I was always a well-adjusted kid and am still a well-adjusted adult. I just have an increased respect for working mothers and an amazing role-model who has taught me that being a woman and a mother doesn’t mean you can’t excel in your career.
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Lucy I love your comment. I am in a situation not too dissimiliar except I am ‘that’ mother.
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I feel compelled to write something..this issue really is the last taboo. After aborting my job and personal ambitions for full time motherhood, I look back on those seven years and see how I snapped so many times. I was depressed, unhappy and very stressed and felt engulfed by the responsibility of it all. I am now a working mum of 2 kids, and feel so much happier and balanced that there is a bit of me in the day that is just for me..even if it is boring work that I need to do to pay the bills… However, I have very strong feelings about mothers ‘leaving’ their kids. I see this as pretty selfish, actually.
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I am a mum of 2 young boys and now also raising my goddaughter, so I am the mum of 3. I work full time shift work, and went back to work out of financial necessity at the babies age of 6-7 weeks. I think that I would be a much worse ‘stay at home mum’ than the very committed working mum that I am.
I, like the author, cannot fathom leaving my children. Ever. However, I am the daughter of a mum who resented my birth and has made it almost conversational how she would of preferred to abort me, but my dad talked her out of it. Regardless that she had a 2nd daughter 6 years later – I am still blamed for ruining her career and it is common knowledge that I, at the least, was never wanted.
Oh my mum is a fanatical zealot of the “Keep up the public appearance” cult. The ‘Happy Family’ textbook was written by us! Even now, many of her grandparenting duties are attended, I feel, out of obligation, not joy.
So, whilst I can never fathom leaving my children, I am a child who wished her mum would do as she obviously wanted to and leave.
Society may not like it, but some women are physically capable of having healthy childrem , but not emotionally capable of raising healthy children.
The cycle of insecurity and guilt stops with me, but only because I am old enough now to see that my mum should never have been pressured to have children.
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I don’t agree with it. I can completely understand wanting some time out. I’ve been in an abusive relationship where the father deliberately does things to make my job as a mother so much harder than it needs to be, which in turn leaves me more stressed and less able to look after the children. The children pick up on it, and their behaviour becomes worse.
At the moment I’m so stressed that I feel like walking out on the lot of them, but I wont because children need a mother, and all I need is a bit of help here and there, and some time out.
What bothers me about this woman is that her husband gave her everything, made her life so easy, and she though it’d be OK to walk out on him and their two children. To me that says she IS just selfish. He GAVE her 6months overseas to chase her dream, without the responsibility of the kids. What other husband would do that? He gave her EVERYTHING, and it wasn’t enough for her. She’s clearly living in a pipe dream thinking she can get better than that. And she’s ended up alone hasn’t she? She doesn’t look happy to me, even though she seems to be the sort who’ll never admit it, because then the point of her book would be redundant.
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I sometimes look at the parents of children who ‘two homes’ and get a little bit jealous. I think having a week to get your shit together, followed by a week to focus on your kids, would not be a bad way to go. I sometimes feel like even though I am here all the time (I work from home) that I am not always giving them the attention they deserve and that if I had some time on my own, that it would be easier to find the right amount of time for them. Trouble is, I kinda like my husband ….. and I think that even with a week to get my shit together, things would always come up that will get in the way of being a great mother, and frankly regardless of how crap I think I’m doing in the mothering stakes, I couldn’t bear not to be able to see them everyday.
Equally I think it’s an individual issue, and what is best for one family, is not necessarily best for another.
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I have a male friend who was abandoned by his mother when he was a baby. His father raised him.
He’s since discovered that his mother’s done that to several other children too. Just left.
My mother raised me alone, so I can’t imagine her ever abandoning me.
But my father did.
So is it different just because the woman carried the unborn child and gave birth to it?
I think you can look at Rahna Reiko Rizzuto’s actions as okay, ONLY when compared to what many of us are used to hearing/knowing about some fathers.
But I don’t think it’s okay for either parent to simply opt out.
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Oh, wouldnt it be just peachy to say..”F… It, Im outa here!”…but lets not make excuses for a mother negating her responsibilities? Men are already “free” to decide if they want to be a parent or not…the woman is left holding the baby, that is not on, and nor is this.
Sometimes you just have to accept your responsibilities and make the absolute most of them…I do believe we have a choice in how we joyful our lives can be, and I cannot imagine life without my kids,having said that I often daydream about running away for a couple of days, or weeks (at most)…so then I book a holiday!
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I have a 9 month old who I love more than I thought humanly possible. However, when recently asked “do you love being a mother”, I replied “no, I love being a parent – and I love being his parent (and his mummy) but the stuff that is typically associated with being a mother – nope, don’t love”. To me, being the mother is the laundry, the organization, the food shopping and prep, the constant tidying (and I have a wonderful husband who is very involved, but he doesn’t do the foregoing) – I hate that stuff. I LOVE getting on the floor and playing with my baby, making him giggle, feeding him, comforting him when he cries, finding new things for him to see and do (basically the interaction) – but not the other stuff that TYPICALLY (I know there are many exceptions) falls on the mother…that stuff is just not fun to me.
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^You are a perfect mother. You just need a housekeeper.
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Amy’s comments are really interesting about ‘perfect mums’ & mothering being a learned skill. There is alot of pressure in Western society on mothers. Not all women can be the type of mother that they feel is expected of them. Some women really do need to learn how to be a mother, I certainly did. And this with a lifetime of ‘you’re so great with kids’, ‘you’ll be such a good mother one day’.
I found motherhood initially incredibly overwhelming, I had no idea how to care for a baby & no magic maternal instinct kicked in to shine a light on my dilemma. I loved our daughter, I just didn’t know what to do with a baby. Fortunately I asked for help & got it. I was diagnosed with PND.
But my main point is this, what I learnt in group therapy is that there are a whole heap of myths surrounding motherhood that we have seen, experienced & therefore believed. No one has to be the perfect mother every minute of every day, just someone who is good enough & cares for their children & themselves. There are numerous ways to be a mother. Everyone has to find their own balance & their own way to be a parent.
I have just watched the interview & I still feel the same way. What Rizzuto has done may not be socially acceptable but let’s be clear, she left her children with their father who was happy to have them, not on the street. She had an opportunity that she took that gave her the space to assess her life & what she felt she needed & what was best for her children. Children are better off being raised by a parent who is emotionally present & available.
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Well said. Of course some might not be able to help feeling angry at Rizzuto’s decisions, but at the end of the day, they are hers… and I do think she did the best for her sons. Personally, I don’t think I could ever do that when I have kids, but my mother and older sister also suffered PND, and I have had depression through my life also, so I know I have a good chance of experiencing it, and know it will be tough. The difference is, I really REALLY want kids! I understand however, through family experiences and my studies, that no one is perfect, and at the end of the day we have to do what works for us.
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This I an interesting article to come across when I’ve had a great day to myself from my very active 3yr old! (and pregnant with no 2) I now appreciate being an older mum where I’ve had a decent career, it’s been like a 2nd life to me and my hubby. When they fly the nest a new life start again!
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how amazingly tempting the thought is….. i totally understand it and wonder how many more women will do exactly the same thing in the future. maybe men should really be raising the kids and women removing themselves from the everpresent responsibility.. is this the next great frontier? this article raises fascinating issues..
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I think that we need to remember that often what is best for the mother can also be best for the children.
My parents divorced when I was 12. My mother still worries about the harmful effect their divorce had on myself and my siblings. Honestly, I’m glad they parted ways and that my mother said she wasn’t happy and went looking for something more.
It meant I didn’t have to grow up in a house filled with tension and the increasing knowledge that my mother wasn’t happy. In divorcing my father and putting her needs first, she also put her children first by ensuring that we ended up with two happy parents apart rather than a horrible partnership together.
If she hadn’t made that choice, I dread to think what the impact of her not putting herself first would have had on my adolescence.
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thanks for this comment black cherry. My mother did stay with my Dad until I was 18, and my older sister and I bore the full brunt of her unhappiness.
My 6-years-younger brother and sister had a lot to deal with with the divorce, but they at least got happier parents to support them through their teenage years.
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For Susan As Well, I commented on your comment, but it’s right at the bottom of all the comments so people might miss it!
I mentioned I’m taking a class with Gaynor Macdonald who has used a lot of Sarah Blaffer Hrdy’s works on mothering (I’ve realised after reading the article I posted below). Macdonald work primarily on Indigenous Australian anthropology but she’s written an article with a paedeatrician recently (due Novmeber) which looks at structural violence and the issue of modernity on Aboriginal parenting, particularly mothering. The idea of the ‘perfect mother’ is something that women our society feel every day, but this issue is particularly damaging on Aborginal women, especially those who live in communities where some things are still done ‘traditonally’. The most natural form of parenting is alloparenting and groups raising children. Sarah Blaffer Hrdy has done so much feildwork and has pointed out that the idea of ‘mother instinct’ is a myth (this is actually the basis of my argument for the essay that I’m currently writing for Macdonald’s class!). Here’s a link (it’s fairly old now) to an article about Hrdy’s work:
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/1999/12/09/maternal
I think it’s very relevent here. Homo sapiens are the only animals that can CHOOSE to parent, as Macdonald always says – women don’t have a complete biological build to raise babies, it’s more that babies have biological means to make people want to care for them! Baby fat, for example – the ‘cute chubby baby’ look is a biological factor that invites people to want to cuddle babies etc… I can’t explain it very well in a few words so I’ll leave it for now, but it’s really really interesting!
Susan As Well – thank you so much for posting Hrdy’s name, I’ve looked her up and put a hold on some of her book at one the uni libraries and I think her stuff will greatly help me in my essay, I wouldn’t have known about her if you hadn’t posted!
Anyone else interested, if you’re ever at Sydney uni, take Gaynor Macdonald’s clas ‘Indigenous Australians and Modernity’, it’s awesome
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Wow. This really hit me hard. I think it is utter B.S the way this world sometimes works. So many people struggle to fall pregnant everyday, and if they only had the chance they would be the worlds best mums and would do absolutely anything for their children. But then you get people like her who can fall easily, but dont realise how big a privledge it is to be able to give life to someone else. Selfish is the only world i can manage to say with out using profanities.
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I know what you mean. I have two friends trying to get pregnant in their 40s at the moment and it is heartbreaking to watch them cling to every glimmer of hope. As much as I empathise with the woman in the story, I think this is heartbreaking to read about in the context of all the women who would give anything to be in her shoes.
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Some people struggle for years, dream and cry over a much desired baby who just won’t come, and when the baby actually is born realize the difference there is between “the desire for a baby” and “the truth of being a mother”. They don’t always make the best (or happiest) parents; they end up being like everyone else: human beings not in control of their feelings.
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she made the wrong decision by having children when she knew that she didn’t want them. it isn’t about contraception (we all know that can fail, right?) its about a woman who did not want to be a mother who let herself be talked into it. no she shouldn’t have and she should have stood by her children if she could have. she shouldn’t be demonized for not wanting to be a mother but rather we should discuss the consequences of her poor decisions. when its all said and done, she has to face what she did and answer to her children for it.
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Kiki’s response at 3.03pm completely sums up my sentiments – we must stop judging, comparing, ordaining. What ultimately screws people up is society’s dogmas about how others ‘should’ lead their lives. How we ‘should’ lead our lives pegged up against and by other’s standards.
The very irony lies in Rhana’s situation. It takes someone whose mothering instinct is so profoundly tuned-in to the overall wellbeing of those children to know instinctively where those children’s best interests lie. Where their best long-term interests lie. And who’s the most capable of raising them, providing for them and addressing their love needs for their long-term wellbeing. She knows the environment with her (ex)husband is a nurturing, calm and stable one.
Just imagine for a moment, she knows all of this and instead chooses to ask (or make) the husband to leave. And instead she raises the children in what manner? I truly believe she’s be stifling something. Something terribly deceitful and burdensome for the children in the long run.
Could she actually have left so as to do something in the very best interests and long-term health for those kids? To ensure they’ve got an emotionally-present parent and will have the best possible chance of developing into functioning members of society in the future? I believe she did.
Plenty don’t understand this and don’t act in the best interest of their kids (they can’t, from the place of not knowing the difference, nor how to). This screws kids up for life. And many people have children so as to meet their own ego needs based on their own rights.
It was Rhana’s husband’s desire for children – it wasn’t hers.
Yet so many people on here are judging Rhana and imposing their standards on another’s life, assuming that the children’s needs and wellbeing won’t be addressed adequately or at all. How sanctimonious this is when a father steps up to take on the role of primary caregiver. I’d like to see more fathers doing this (preferably without the marriage breaking down) and women not being condemned for the role-change.
Who says that it has to be the mother to raise children? While maternal instincts happen for many, it doesn’t happen for all. And definitely not just if/when/because the male feels like children for how ever many years beforehand. Nor necessarily when the child’s birth occurs.
Just because society states this is how it’s meant to be, and that history’s archetypes have told us for eons that this is how it is, infers abnormality if it’s not done in a prescribed way. Why is the man leaving the family, the ‘acceptable’ prototype of the single-parent family? This isn’t a comment on men, it’s a comment on what society ‘expects’ should occur. When anybody who’s had a different life to others for whatever reason due to different choices made or choices not available – bit outside society’s ‘normal’ box anyway – well they suddenly becomes culturally ‘abnormal’.
‘Abnormal’ women have been vilified since time immortal. Does that do much to promote the equality and value of women now, in all their shapes, sizes, races, beliefs and choices? Does that do much to promote ideals of acceptance, compassion and tolerance for others whose lives and choices are different to our own? What right does anyone have to be disrespectful of any woman or her choices? What right does anyone have to vilify another for her choices?
Rhana’s children were brought into the world with love between two parents, albeit that Rhana knew she wasn’t the primary emotional provider. She knew this somewhere deep inside her from the get-go. Subsequently should these children not have been given life because of this? Only she and her husband have the right to decide this. Not us. Them.
Some time ago the church supported that all this cultural role-filling was based on biology. It’s now 21st century baggage. Back then, it suited the state too, keeping ‘social purpose’ in order for a ‘good and just’ society. It wasn’t that long beforehand that women had been burnt at the stake for a multitude of ‘heathen sins’ – and their kids were left motherless because society of that day deemed them witches for stepping outside those cultural norms.
Sounds like Rhana’s had a witch-hunt directed at her.
Conversely these days, there are plenty of women who stay in love-less marriages ‘for the sake of the kids’. There’s a strong likelihood they eventually end up resenting themselves, their partner and quite possibly, deep down their kids too. For a multitude of reasons and often very simply for their lives passing them by because of their commitments to culturally imposed beliefs… maybe something they believed in at first that didn’t eventuate, or maybe something they were never really given a choice about but they just went along with what society deemed ‘appropriate’ for women, and for how women should be.
There’s plenty of people who are ‘there’ as a parent but are not ‘present’ for their kids.
An article on Mamamia 2 days ago about the loss, silence and emtional distance that stillbirth brings to women and their families – http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/this-is-what-i-learned-about-my-mother-after-she-died/ – highlighted that the writer’s mother had been “highly critical and judgmental”. The writer stated that “the one thing she could never do is show warmth” and she “didn’t really know [her mother] well at all…[her mother] proffered her cheek, never hugged back and seemed emotionally very remote…anxious and reluctant about showing affection…” Of course, the writer found out after her mother had passed away just how much she loved her children and why these behaviours were evident. Maybe decades too late, who knows?
Rhana’s story doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love her children either. She’s present in their lives, just not in a way society deems ‘appropriate’.
There’s such irony in Life. It’s never black and white. Often those whose mother was in their day to day life, like many of the commenters in that link above, were, and at a time when Australian society condemned much about women (for some it seems apparent they still do today), well many of those commenters spoke of their own heartache and sadness at their cold distant mothers. Many adults have their own complex issues to deal with because of the lack of maternal nourishment inherent in their physically-present yet (for whatever reason) emotionally-absent mother.
Emotional abandonment is a complex subject, and those who have been emotionally neglected by ‘mother’ – even if she was present – take years to see and understand the inauthenticity of the abandonment and the deception (intentional or not) for what it is.
Rhana’s given her children the greatest possibility of them having an emotionally fulfilling life, because their needs and wellbeing issues are addressed in the calm loving environment of her (former) husband. She’s not denied them any love, nor has their father. And as parents they’ve given them an opportunity to have a relationship with their father, and become independent and respectful individuals with a healthy place in society.
It’s a far cry from being raised in a ‘home’ by a cold, distant, judgmental mother.
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Wonderful comment. This should be the article!
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I don’t think you can judge anyone based on so little information. This woman writes a lot about this event in her life. Makes me think it was not an easy decision. She is only human, I’m sure she wrestled with this decision both before and since. Doesn’t sound to me like she abandoned her kids in the way it is made to seem here. I’m assuming she always had contact and her kids knew where she was.
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i totally understand the concept of motherhood feeling like a square peg in a round hole. for me, being a stay at home mum is not something i am enjoying. i use the analogy – it is like you love your work mates, but hate the job, and you are stuck there, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… could never imagine turning my back on my kids or my husband however, recently took my first trip away without any of them and it was 3 nights of bliss! have returned refreshed!
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Does anyone think she could have been suffering from PND when she decided she couldn’t cope with being a mother anymore? If she had committed suicide as a way to escape should we feel any different? It’s still abandonment.
I certainly had my moments when I hit rock bottom when my two were 5 & 3. I never got to the point where I wanted to leave my family or commit suicide, but there were times when I could understand how you could get to that point.
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How insulting to her and to people with PND to suggest that just because you dob’t want to be a full time caregiver (you are still and will always be their mother) you must have a clinical depression. UGH.
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I don’t want to have kids but my partner does (one day) and we have an awesome relationship, apart from the disagreeing on kids thing.
Without too much of a stretch of the imagination I can imagine us in this situation.
For this reason I don’t want to ever have kids. He is fully aware of my thoughts on this topic.
Some of my friends have told me I should leave him as it is not fair on him.
I love him and think if HE wants to have kids that much then he should leave ME.
I wonder what the future will bring…
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I agree with you…He should be the one deciding if having children (with anyone) is more important to him than his relationship with you. As long as you don’t give him false hopes, you’re not leading him on or being unfair! It’s his decision to make.
edit: mh, that was clarinette, where is my name?…
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Thanks Clarinette.
Yes, I have never been anything but honest with him on the subject of kids. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it is his decision to make.
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The thought has crossed my mind that I wish I never had kids in the first place. But I would never walk out on them they are apart of me. I think that if I knew how hard it was having kids and all the drama that went along with it I could honestly say that I probably wouldnt of had children unless I was rich and could hire someone to help me.
Back in the old days having nannies was the norm but now we have to fork out 100 per day per child for day care if we want to work. It’s all just too hard especially if you are on a average income.
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No angst and hand-wringing when a father abandons his kids?
…really?
My dad abandoned my mum, my sister and I for a woman from our church (also my now ex-best-friend’s aunty) and I can assure you there was plenty of angst and hand-wringing. From my experience, I would hold women and men equally responsible for -any- form of abandonment and I find it slightly ridiculous to suggest that anyone could get used to dads that abandon their kids, as if it would be less surprising or less painful.
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i have close personal experience with a friend, who as a mother is quite detached and work- focused. her kids do suffer. there is no doubt about it. i think part of it is that her kids compare their experience to those around them. so they see their friend’s mothers making them breakfast, being at school events, and generally being there, so that is where the expectations come from.
i think there is also a natural closer attachment to your mother, which is undeniable. when my kids are hurt, sick or sad they want me and only me. that is not to suggest they don’t love their dad, they just need me in those situations.
i haven’t watched the vid yet. so i can’t comment much more except to say i think some people are just not as well cut out to be parents. i don’t know why they have one more after their first child, they seem to stop at two in most cases at least. there is that societal pressure to get, married and have kids that many people bow to.
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Bec, maybe you should’ve also posted this part in the above article:
Rhana states – “My marriage failed, and I gave primary physical custody to my husband. But I kept joint custody, and I did not take the house in Hawaii and jump a plane into the sunset. I moved down the block and began the long, hard work of proving to my children, and myself, that I am here.”
The woman shares joint custody with the kids father, she didn’t abandon them! If the roles were reversed, there wouldn’t be an issue, because apparently it’s ok if a man leaves his family for 6 months to work overseas but my god, if a woman decides to, then she is an awful unfit parent.
It annoys me that MM chooses to only post part of the story, why can’t you post the whole story, because the snapshot given is very misleading. Or does inflaming passions based on half truths get more hits on your site!
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Pretty sure those details are in there. In the question at the end and in the quotes from the woman. The whole point of the discussion is about the different ways of being a mother…
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Hi Jelly Belly
I left that bit out because she says it in the video (but I did include a link to the full story). Since she mentions her joint custody in the Today interview I assumed that the readers had already picked that up. And I was more interested (in the second half of my piece) to focus on her line that we have certain rules about mothering (which is SO true). And why can’t she find her own way to do it? (Also true).
And yes, she shares joint custody. But we don’t know WHEN she moved “down the road”. And WHEN she played a shared role in her children’s lives. Also, I thought it was interesting that we heard Rahna say she’s a good mother but we didn’t get the opinions of her ex or her children. Of course she will say that she’s a great mother and she gives her kids quality time. Would they say the same? Maybe they would. I don’t know.
This piece wasn’t meant to be about bashing Rahna. I hope that by the second half of the piece you can see that I am questioning the attitudes we have to mothering and our “one size fits all” approach.
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Thanks Rick & Bec for responding. I certainly get where you’re coming from Bec but a lot of the comments have most certainly been “Rhana bashing”. I also think that most commentators don’t necessarily have the time to watch the video or read the rest of the story via the link, so don’t really have the whole story.
This story has definitely highlighted that we are very judgmental towards women who mother their children in any way that is different to socially accepted norms. Nobody bats an eyelid at single mothers, but give us a single father and he is lauded as dare I say it a ‘hero’ for raising his children. When father’s leave their family, or walk out on their children, we don’t label him as “weak, or pathetic or selfish”. But these labels are attached to women that do.
Maybe we can have a story on ‘parenting’ rather than mothering. A more valid question is, why can’t a father be the primary care giver? Why this focus on mothering, when families now consist of all sorts of caregivers. This topic certainly shows that we place more value on a mother’s role than a fathers.
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Hi Jelly Belly
You are so right. I might go and re-word a few things in the post because I want people to know Rahna’s full story and you’re right people may not watch the video. (That didn’t occur to me until you just said it …. I think I’m tired!). And yes, a post in the future on parenting (and why we’re not comfortable with men being the primary care givers) is a great idea. Actually, I think we are comfortable with men being the primary care givers. But I think we feel uncomfortable with women who don’t want to be. It’s SO interesting. Thanks again for posting your thoughts! You’ve certainly given me food for thought and I will amend the post this morning to make it more clear.
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was going to mention here my surprise at the negative reaction my male friend recieved when he decided to take full custody of his kids. A lot of his male friends were very threatened by it. Would be good to see a post/discussion on this.
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that would be great Bec, my internet is slow and so I generally don’t watch any embedded videos and rely on the actual story to provide most of the information and context.
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Hi Bec,
Thank you for not only reading the comments but also taking on board my concerns. That was really my only gripe that people reading the story wouldn’t have the full picture because honestly I don’t always have the time to read links or watch videos.
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No, your feedback was spot on! It didn’t click in my head that people may not watch the video etc. But of course, people are busy and others can’t open the videos!! And if they didn’t watch the TODAY clip — then the story comes across as though Rahna left her sons and didn’t look back (which clearly IS NOT the case). So thank you for pointing that out! I do appreciate it because I didn’t want it to be a Rahna-bashing post. I wanted to look at the expectations of motherhood. Have a great weekend!
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I’m finding it really hard to form a comment on this. I can see both sides.
My mother worked from when I was 6 months old, often overseas (you can read about one trip where she took me here) and sometimes that makes me sad. Other times I’m grateful because she did what was best for her, and best for the rest of the world. Her work has been very important. It also gave me the opportunity to learn a lot from my nanny, from my extended family and my parents’ friends.
What I most want for my kids and for my life is to be a stay at home mum. I want to have for myself and for my children a different life to the one my mother had. Different to the childhood I had.
But I can choose for me to the best of my ability. My mother chose for her, to the best of her ability. I think Rizzuto chose for her to the best of her ability and I just don’t know how we can judge her without walking a mile in her shoes. After all, then we’d be a mile away… and have her shoes.
T.
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Very well put!
Off to rad part of your story now. Glad you are mostly unaffected by your unusual childhood xxx
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Thank you, OzGirl. I think my unusual childhood made me a better person really. I like to think I’ve turned out alright
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I just read ‘Headbands, Wizz Fizz and Humility’ – it’s a beautiful story. You were fortunate to have such n experience at a young age. Thanks for sharing it x
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Thanks Jo, I have been very lucky.
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There seems to be a tech issue here -
I have not commented on this post at all but I am given the option to “Click to Edit” or “Delete” for every one of the Anonymous comments here.
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Uh oh! Thanks Chrissy – will take it up with our clever tech people
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That bug has happened before, thanks for letting us know!
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Very interesting discussion, I echo the sentiment that regardless of where you stand, it is great this is being talked about!
I am a performer and mother of three. My work sometimes takes me away for bursts of time. I am so lucky to have a husband who believes in what I do and supports me to do it. While it is undoubtedly hard to have me away (and is hard for me too as I adore my kids to bits), I always return from these stints a much nicer mother for it. And they are nicer to me. We appreciate each other more. I am certainly not suggesting this approach as a one size fits all, but it is (as of now) working for our family.
The one thing that bugs me no end though, is the judgment that comes from others who can’t view another’s parenting from outside of the lens of their own. I wrote about this recently after being accused of putting my family last: http://comicmummy.com/2011/08/10/putting-the-family-last-warning-major-rant-ahead/
I know that I could never do what this woman has done. That said, I do agree with her comment about us punishing the idea of other ways to parent. Can’t we just say “Well, that’s not for me!” and leave the condemnation aside?
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My father left when I was six months old. My mum was left with two kids under two and debt of $200,000. I met my father for the first time when I was 12. He has continued to wander in and out of my life on his own terms and has never committed to being a real parent. I endured many years of hatred, abandonment, and anguish. I have never understood why he left me and chose not to include me in his life. I remain scarred to this day and will never get over the pain and despair that has clouded my life.
Now I have three of my own children and there are days that are unbearable. Totally
stressful, frustrating and horrible. Sometimes I even resent my children for imposing on my life and creating a level of responsibility that is just too much to bare. But, I could never leave them. I could never walk out. I find ways to cope through the tough
times and I remain steadfast in my commitment to being the best parent I can possibly be.
I will never forgive my father but now I know that he isnt capable of being a good parent. That his abandonment is about him not me. That the pain has dulled but will always be part
of me. Being a mother is hard and challenging and beautiful all at the same time. I only hope he knows what he missed out on and how much distress he has caused.
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Lil, are you Mietta’s mum by any chance? Thought I might know you. Regardless if you are or not, commiserations for the bad days. I am glad that you can still see the beauty & challenge of parenthood. We all resent our kids sometimes, no one is infallible.
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Just checking, is it okay that so many posters here are calling this woman a cow and bitch?
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No, it’s not! We’re deleting offensive comments as we see them. If you come across, hit moderate, it helps us greatly
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Just look for the ones with lots of thumbs up! ‘ Bitch, cow’, wow, we’re all so mature as we sit in judgement…..
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You know what? I get a bit sick of people feeling so entitled. I feel that there is a mountain of evidence showing that a Mum and Dad actively involved in the life of the child is the most ideal situation for any child.
Therefore, I think that, having chosen to have children, her behaviour is innappropriate. What I agree with from the article is that it wouldn’t even be blinked at if the Dad had behaved this way BUT I think that would be innappropriate too – you’re in it together.
SO what can we learn from the story??
1. Talk about children before you get married. Do you both want them? Only one of you? How many? Who, if anyone, will stay home??? I know things can change, but at least have the discussion and be on the same page.
2. Stop feeling so entitled. You CHOSE to have children and I think that giving them the best you can is a responsibility which necessarily stems from that. The best is not an absent parent.
Now, I am critical I know….but not unfair. I would say the same of anyone, male or female, who was not there for their kids. And there are good reasons – serving in the armed forces to name one. But seriously – our kids deserve the best we can give them. It’s not about us for a while – and that’s ok. We chose that.
PS. I have 4 kids, 6 and under. Some days are wonderful and some are feral. Truly feral. Some days I find myself resenting my 12 weeks old purely because I want to do something (usually something thrilling like the washing or tidying the kitchen) and I can’t because she needs me. Then I get a reality check. Seriously – who cares if I have to clean up late tonight. It’s ok. I am blessed beyond measure. Then I plan a coffee and dessert catch up with good friends or chat to my Mum or get a cuddle from my hubby and I get over it. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down. But I will do it!
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I feel like people aren’t actually understanding the situation. This woman did not abandon her children. She did not wake up one day and decide that was it, she was done with them, bye forever. She went overseas for while. Her ex is the primary care giver. She is still a large part of their lives. This is an extremely common situation, it’s just that usually it’s the woman who is the primary care giver. The fact that this is so controversial/upsetting to people just shows that we value mothers exponentially more than fathers. Which is sad, and quite offensive to single and gay dads.
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Hi Anonymous
Actually we don’t really know (until we all read Rahna’s book – which I plan to do) — exactly when she started joint custody and whether she was really present emotionally in her children’s lives. Yes, they stayed with her in Japan at some point (but she talks about how awkward that was). Also WHEN did she “move down the road”? When she returned from Japan? Two years ago?
And while Rahna says that she’s a good mother and has quality time with her kids — we didn’t hear the point of view of her ex or her kids. Do THEY think she has been a wonderful mum? Maybe they do. I don’t know. That’s the point.
And the reason I wanted to talk about this story (and let’s remember that Rahna has written a book and has been doing the talk show circuit – so she is opening herself up to be discussed) is that I think it’s a fascinating topic. WHY is it so controversial when a mother leaves? Why do we have double standards? Why do we not put as much faith in fathering? Why does her leaving push so many of our buttons? I know it pushed mine. But why should it? It’s interesting ….
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I totally understand if you’re not the ‘kid’ type. If you are… then don’t have kids. Your kids will feel like their mother abandoned them because she did! and now she’s gone and written a book about the fact she never wanted to be a mum.
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OF COURSE if a mother is going to be abusive, hateful, horrible etc etc etc the child is better off WITHOUT that Mum….but I don’t think that is the topic here….
I think she “didn’t wanna do it” and has thus walked away…..
I just feel so sad.
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I think we do wring our hands when fathers leave. It’s probably significantly more common but I don’t think anyone thinks it’s acceptable.
My heart just breaks for the abandoned children when mothers leave. If your own mother didn’t want to love and mother you, you would have to struggle with some serious issues of self-worth. One assumes a mother’s love is meant to be unconditional and pretty constant.
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This woman didn’t abandon her kids. She let her ex be the primary care giver. She went overseas for a time. She see’s the kids regularly, and is still a mother to them. She hasn’t said she doesn’t love them!
All this talk of people ‘leaving’, as though it’s rare. When a couple breaks up, unless they want to keep living together, someone has to leave, and the other parent becomes the primary caregiver. It’s just that usually it’s the man who leaves.
Should we really berate everyone who doesn’t have full custody, and doesn’t want it, as being selfish?
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I see your point, but at the same time, we wouldn’t be even discussing this if it were a man. It does scream, “double standard”. And she is clearly still part of the childrens’ lives in a big way, so I wouldn’t really call the children “abandoned”.
I think the fact we are discussing this is interesting – and it really shows people’s idea of what a mother “should” be, rather than acknowledging that every one is different.
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I have tried to be fair and see her side of the story, but I have no respect for her decision. Everyone feels overwhelmed by motherhood at times, but most of us stick it out, we don’t abandon our kids who are the innocents. My children are all now at school and it feels like yesterday we brought our first daughter home from hospital. It’s been really hard going, I was even hospitalised with PND after number 1, so I’m not talking from some idyllic point of view here. And to those who commented below that the children’s happiness is not more important than their parents’, well I’m afraid I just don’t agree (not that I mean you have to give in to their every whim and desire, but walking out on them – not on!). For me this is very black and white, unless you have a serious mental illness then you need to get on with the job you started.
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I guess this couple shouldn’t have had kids. It clearly wasn’t what she wanted. Some people just don’t want kids and that’s ok if you decide before they come along.
I’ve been a parent over half my life and still get moments occasionally where I’d just like to leave, but they pass. I think it’s normal.
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My question or thought for the day is it’s awful for kids when Dad leaves too, but we judge women much more harshly when they leave than we do men. Ideally it would be wonderful if no one ever felt they needed or wanted to leave their family but they do.
What kind of person pressures someone else (who they claim to love) to have children when they have clearly and repeatedly stated they don’t want them, and then is surprised when it doesn’t work out?
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After reading the full article (someone has linked it below) I actually have a lot of sympathy for this woman. She didn’t leave her kids forever, she left them for 6 months while she worked overseas. How many men and women in the defense forces etc have done that? And then when she got divorced the dad has primary custody, but she is still involved in their lives. To be honest, this is a bit of a non issue for me.
Having said that, my internet connection has been shaped so I can’t watch the video – maybe that would change my opinion?
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Very well said. I think a lot of people have not understood the full story here and so quick to judge another woman for not being the type mother that they want to be/are themselves.
We are good friends with a family, mum, dad and three sons. The father is an avid sailor and was offered the opportunity earlier this year to help charter a yacht from somewhere on the other side of world and bring it to Sydney. He discussed it with his wife and children and while they miss him terribly, they know he still loves them and he is away for 9 months while the mum continues to work and raise the boys. Everyone just keep saying, ‘oh good on him for following his dream and good on her being so understanding about his dream’. Not a single person that we know has ranted and raved about him abandoning his children and being a horrible person.
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I agree. My husband has just left on a six month overseas post that he volunteered for and not one person has suggested he is abandoning our children (5 & 1). I am definitely not appreciating the drudgery of domesticity, or indeed trying to juggle that with a busy job and annoying commute, and I will probably go insane before he gets home. (The idea of a few nights alone at a retreat is very appealing to me at the moment!) However, i don’t think my kids feel abandoned by him at the moment. They are still doing all the things they normally do and they know he loves them. (Having said that, I couldn’t leave them for six months and he already knows he will need to make up for choosing this path when he gets home.) In this woman’s case, it may be unfair judge her as we might judge ourselves without fully understanding the dynamic in her family.
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As shocking as this story is there is a part of me that applauds her for give her husband what he desired.
They would have ended up divorced anyway and who knows if he would have fathered children to someone else?
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I have a son and a stepson. My step sons biological mother is no longer in his life. I have met her several times and she’s more interested in herself, drinking and partying than her kids. My stepson has said to me several times “my mum isn’t a good mum”. He doesn’t understand why I’m more of a mum to him than his own mother. For him, its good she left. He is a happier, healthier more stable kid. Some people were just never ment to be parents.
I feel lost as a parent all the time! Some days between work, the kids and home I wish I could run away and join the circus. Hell, I just wish I could shave my legs in the bath in peace and bugger the circus.
I could never leave my kids. They are part of me. They are part of who I am. I’d be lost without them. Feeling lost and coming second is just part of being a mum.
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very hard to be unemotional on this one. On one hand, if that’s the way she feels about her children, they are probably better of without her (especially since the father seems an engaged parent). Plenty of kids thrive in a single-parent household. On the other hand, I don’t see what is so brave about glorifying the role of a deadbeat parent. We have enough of those. and there is a difference between being a non-traditional parent (eg long-distance parenting but embracing the role of a parent) and promoting your decision to become an unparent. Because she isn’t just quietly divorced and trying to do her best for herself and her family, She’s seeking publicity for her decision not to be a mother.
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“Why is there none of this angst and hand-wringing when a father abandons his kids? There’s none because we’re used to it.”
That’s the part of this article II do take issue with. I, a mother of a two-year-old, can relate to feeling overwhelmed – at which point I believe you negotiate with someone to get some time out for yourself, some ‘me time’.
But would I have the same sort of issue with a father running out, as with a mother running out? Absolutely! If that is the primary issue here, then I think we’re undervaluing fatherhood!
Late addition: OK, just found time to watch the video. I think the key is in her comment that she thought motherhood was about giving up your whole self for someone else. Yes, it’s a massive transformation that affects every part of your life, but I believe a functional family is a unit where everyone gives *and* receives love, care and support. I think it’s important to find time and resources to allow you to nourish the parts of yourself that pre-date your motherhood. All these strands can then be integrated into the whole of who you are in the present.
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This is the “me me me” society in overdrive! Being a mother (I am one of four), I can certainly agree that it is an incredibly intense part of my life. I have had days where I think about parts of me that seem to have disappeared but seriously, I had time before I had my children and I am having renewed time the older they get. The early years are a roller coaster but guess what, you have to suck it up and take one step at a time. My children need me, they need all of me. The best thing I can do for my kids is to teach them my passions, the cares of my heart, the things that make me tick. I do this by living. When they are little my world is mostly absorbed by their needs, but as they grow I introduce them, little by little into my world. A mother is not someone else I became but a whole new challenging lovable piece of me.
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Beautifully said.
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I totally agree! You’ve summed it up better than I did (I was a bit ham-fisted in my attempt below
)
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I also don’t want to come across as judgemental but I can’t help but think what a horrible long-lasting effect this would have on her children. It’s not just something they will deal with now but for the rest of their lives.
A friend of mine went out with a guy whose mother walked out when he was 12. She told him she was going on holiday to Italy for 2 weeks and she never came back. He really suffered because of it; he turned to self-harm and tried to commit suicide. Luckily he has come through it and is a better person now but I am sure the emotional scars will never completely heal. People who leave their children should think about the harm they are inflicting on them and how it will affect their future.
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A very contentious issue, I agree. But i can’t help think if it was the father who walked away would it still be newsworthy?
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