It’s quite strange when your son reaches an age where he is not only taller than you – but is also smarter than you. And probably always will be. Being an average Generation X mother to an exceptionally bright Generation Z is quite the eye opener.
I’ll break it down for you.
I stopped being able to help my 15-year-old son with his maths homework years ago. Embarrassingly, I think he was in about grade seven at the time. I’ll admit I am somewhat mathematically challenged. But in my defence, he was doing an accelerated program. He asked me if I could help him solve one of the problems. Well, sadly, it was numerical gobbledegook to me. So I had to admit I was literally unable to help him with his homework. Oh, the shame.
At 15 I was discovering boys, alcohol and the joys of spending school hours at the beach. I was all about brand names, thinness and doing what everyone else was doing. I was a study in teenage angst and rebellion. Rebellion against my mother, mind you, not society.
At the same age my son gets consistently glowing school reports, excellent grades and knows what career path he wants to pursue. If I had received even one high school report that read like his, my mother would have wept tears of joy.
My son simply likes what he likes, thank you very much. The universe, black holes, physics, time travel and artificial intelligence are subjects that pique his interest. He’s not interested in wearing the right clothes by the right designers. While I battle a chronic Zara addiction, he seems immune to marketing. I don’t know what happened. Sometimes I think they sent me home with the wrong baby. Wasn’t I supposed to end up with the brat?
It’s made me realise that parenting may have little to do with how kids turn out. I’ll confess I’m now inclined to agree with Judith Rich Harris who, in her 1998 book The Nurture Assumption, argues that parents have little or no influence over the long-term development of their children’s personality. Obviously her book went down with child psychologists about as well as a new mum turning up at playgroup with two litres of Coke for the toddlers to share.
But, honestly, I’ve never been much of role model mum. I was single for 10 years. He’s been through a divorce. We lived in low socio-economic suburbs for most of his life. I can’t cook. I’m not much of a homemaker. I get distracted easily. I have a short temper. I have been a career-focussed, working, busy parent most of his life. And I’ve had my fair share of personal challenges and difficulties along the way.
But my son doesn’t seem to have suffered because of it. In fact, he’s one of the most grounded, lovely and well adjusted people I know. He’s always had a quiet confidence and self assurance. He has a great sense of humour. And I certainly didn’t teach him that. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been plagued with insecurity, self doubt and seriousness most of my life.
Maybe it’s the difference between girls and boys. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe it’s just that we’re all born with our own nature. Your family may affect the choices and experiences you have – but ultimately you are who you are.
People always congratulate me for raising such a delightful young man. But I’ll happily give my son all the credit for that.
Do you have a child who has turned out nothing like you? Are you anything like your parents?
Summer Goodwin has been a professional writer for 15 years. She is a former News Ltd journalist and has freelanced for Harper’s Bazaar and Shop til you drop. You can read her blog here or follow her on twitter @summer_goodwin
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76 Comments so far
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I read a recent article that basically said that children/ teenagers , do well if they are told that they are loved and if they have parents who get there shit together , I so agree. My three teenagers are very different personalities and have been thru a very sad time with there youngest sibling dying and yet , they are happy , well adjusted young people whom we are proud of, they are the ones who , give us as parents direction , when we are lost under our cloud of grief. Amazing !
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My 15 year old son has always been difficult – stubborn, short-tempered, allergic to responsibility of any kind, and committed only to things that are easy and “fun”.
My 10 year old daughter is the complete opposite – determined, hard-working, good-tempered, committed to doing her best in all endeavours, funny and kind.
Both are extremely academically clever, although my son takes for granted that this will always be so and my daughter believes you need to work even if you find things easy.
Both kids raised in the same home with plenty of books, dinner-table conversation, hard-working parents, etc – but totally different from each other. And our son is in many ways the opposite of what we have hoped to teach as parents, but we honestly can’t see why….and it has ALWAYS been this way. It is his nature, and our nurture has made only so much difference.
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Summer, thanks for this.
Sounds like you are raising a capable human being. Ultimately, we can’t control our kids behaviour – the only behaviour we can control is our own. We learn so much about ourselves as we watch our kids grow. Such valuable lessons.
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My partner and I have 2 children. She gave birth to our son, I gave birth to our daughter. Both were conceived using the same anonymous donor. Let’s see how the nature v nurture debate pans out in our little family.
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A great, fun and thought-provoking article! If you get a chance, have a look at two books: “Freakonomics” by Steven Lefitt & S. Dubner and “The Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell.
Some of the key points from their research are summarised here:
A long line of longitudinal studies, including research into twins who were separted at birth, had already concluded that genes are along are responsible for around 50% of child’s personality and abilities. So, if nature accounts for half of child’s destiny, what accounts for the other half? Surely it must be nuturing, the Baby Mozart tapes, the church sermons (or music festivals under the starts), the French & Chinese lessons, the bargaining, the loving and hugging, arguing and punishing that, in total, represents the act of parenting. By how then to explain one study (the Colorado Adoption Project) which followed 245 babies put up for adoption and found virtually NO correclation between the child’s personality traits and those of his adopted parents or the other studies showing that a child’s character (and temperament) wasn’t muhc affected whether his mother worked or not, whether he attended childcare or not or whether he had two mommies or two daddies or just one of each. These nature-nurture discrepancies were addressed in a 1998 book by a little-know textbook author J. R. Harris – “The Nurture Assumption” was in fact an attack on obsessive parenting. Harris argued that influence of parents is less important that the grassroots effect of peer pressure, the blunt force applied by school-mates.
Or is it? Isn’t it the parents who essentially choose a child’s peers (in the very formative years of 0-6 at least? This is the time when all the major values and assumptions are being formed in child’s mind – e.g. “Mummy & Daddy go to work” and “we don’t hit other people if they don’t do what I want”. Isn’t that why parents often agonise over the “right” neighborhood, the “right” school and the “right” circle of friends?
Still, the question of how much paretns matter is a good one. It is also terribly complicated. In determining a parent’s influence, which dimension fo the child are we measuring: his personality? his school grades? his moral behaviour? his creative ability? his salary as an adult?! And what weight should we assign to each of the many inputs that affect a child’s outcome: genes, family environment, socioeconomic level, schooling, discrimiation, luck, illness and so on?
Let’s consider a story of two 11-year old boys: one white and Indigenous:
The white boy is raised in a peaceful and safe Brisbane suburb by parents who read widely and involve themselves in school activities. His father, who has a decent accounting job, often takes the boy on nature hikes and surfing to the beach. His mother is a housewife who will eventually go back to colleage and earn a bachelor’s degree in education. The boy is happy and performs well in school. His teachers encourage his good maths ability. His parents encourage him and are terribly proud and celebrate his achievements. He has an adoring younger brother and they mostly have fun spending time together.
The Indigineous boy is born on a social housing estate with 80% of apartments and home owned by the Government. His mother is regularly depressed and the boy has to look after her during her ‘dark’ days by preparing meals for her and himself. His father has a good job in sales by is a heavy drinker. He often beats the little boy and his mother with the metal end of a garden hose. One night, when the boy was decorating his 1st Xsmas tree, he saw his father beat his mother so ard that some teeth were flying out of her mouth and landed on the base of the boy’s tree. but the boy knows better than to speak up. He makes sure he is asleep by the time father comes home from drinking, and to be out of the house before his father awakes. At school he makes no real effort. Before long he is selling drugs – he feels accepted and understood by his peer group – who often have similar stories at home. The boys don’t even know that there is a better way because they never really leave their suburb and they don’t see how our Boy No. 1 is living his life. Maybe they see ‘normal families’ on TV but they think those people don’t really exist and treat them as farytales. By the age of 12 the boy is essentially fending for himself as his father is gone to jail for ‘break & entry’.
You don’t have to believe in ‘obsessive parenting’ to think that the 2nd boy will have a much harder job to get out of his predicament. What are the odds that the 2nd boy, with the added handicap of facial discrimination, will turn out to lead a productive life? What are the odds that the 1st boy, so deftly primed for success, will somehow fail? And how much of his fate should each child attribute to his parents?
I am a child of a highly disfunctional family (sexual, physical, emotional abuse – you name it) – but I was also partly raised by my uneducated and practically illiterate grandparents and was als ‘adopted’ by my teachers at my schools (I changed about 10 in 4 different countries by the time I was 15). It was the teachers who were my mentors and they’ve helped me to overcome the adversity – without their dedication and love & support I am not sure whether I’d be where I am to today (check my website if you get a chance: http://www.ellierentoul.com)
Nature is important – but children need the nurture to become well-functioning and happy individuals.
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Does make you think hey, I think its a bit of both…
Summer, I can also see if from the nuture angle in your case. Rather than thinking you have had nothing to do with him being who he is, you could also say that it was because of the struggles you have had in his childhood that he found safety and comfort in studying, going on to find he was good at math, found an interest and is flourishing. Added to the fact that because he has seen you work hard and get through it all, that he sees working hard as the best course, and doesnt want to be part of the low-socio life he has seen.
Of course, I can see the nature thing in many of these posts, and in my own life (and a friend with a son showing some uncanny reincarnation possibilities) but who knows what he’d be like if he didnt have those experiences you describe. Not saying he wouldnt have turned out equally wonderful, but food for thought that perhaps there was a bit of nuture going on and you just didnt notice the effect of what he was experiencing…
Just a thought.
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I adopted my delightful 4yo daughter when she was a baby. Her birth parents have intellectual disabilities, serious mental illness, are largely illiterate and have spent long periods in jail for violent crime.
My daughter is intelligent, articulate, loves her many friends, has impeccable manners and a keen insight into people’s emotions and motivations.
I am convinced that my daughter would not achieve what she is without the stimulation, opportunities, focus and love she has with me.
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Similarly, my adopted 3 year old son has been with us since he was under a year old. His biological mother took speed and smoked pot throughout her pregnancy and his father has done prison time. My son is a smiley, cheeky clever boy who has always been a very straight-forward to discipline.
We have a biological child, too, who is a completely different kettle of fish to either of us. Adoptive parenting has made me a freer parent for my biological child, too. I no longer look askance at either child’s behaviour to try and find ‘where it came from’.
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Very true! My sister and I are as different as our mother and her fraternal twin sister are.
I’m introverted and shy (social anxiety, in fact); my sister loves people and is a mother hen to many of the uni students she lectures. My mother hates speaking in public; she says our aunt can know someone’s life story within 10 mins of meeting them.
My sister knew what she wanted to be at age 6 and now is a lecturer of it; I got a job when I got out of high school, had a career change in my late 30s and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
We both enjoy singing in a choir; our father sang well in the shower but couldn’t read music and Mum can’t carry a tune in a bucket; my sister’s teenage son can sing, dance and play guitar and flute. While Mum can’t sing at all, her sister is occasionally a soloist at church.
My sister quilts and I knit, and neither of us is interested in learning the other’s craft.
The funny thing is that we do the craft of the grandmother we look like – my sister is the image of Dad’s mum and female cousins and she quilts (Grandma sewed a lot); I look a lot like Mum’s mum and knit, which Mum still does and Nanna did.
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The genes on my mother-in-laws side are phenomenal. Not only do all her sisters and her look alike but their children do too. You can tell all the cousins belong to the same family. Now my daughter looks like that side of the family too although before she was 3 she looked like me. But the really weird thing is that we have been living away from the family for most of her life but when she shrugs or waves her hands or gestures in some other way I see her youngest uncle or her aunt. uncanny.
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My parents are both aggressive, stubborn, chain smoking, (one former) alcoholics (both have been arrested multiple times) that I have never been able to look up to as role models. They divorced 15 years ago, still despise each other an incredible amount and I did suffer a few years of my mum trying to crush my 16 year old spirit by telling me that the world is an evil consumerist place and that I should go work in a brothel (so I could be rich….her lifelong ambition).
Needless to say, 6 years later, I don’t keep in much contact with her as ithe attitude of conversation still hasn’t changed an awful lot. She refuses to let our extended family help her, which is a shame.
What I am trying to get at is that I am very proud to be nothing like either of my parents (though I have other wonderful extended family to look up to!). I am living an adventurous, positive, fun filled, ambitious and exciting life that is unfolding around me because I let it. When I worked overseas in a restaurant I had some guests tell me I must have had wonderful parents to raise someone like me. I smiled. But that goes to show that you can also turn out nothing like your parents (I have a mild aggressive streak, but on a far smaller scale…etc)
Sadly my younger brother pities himself too much that he has taken a far more similiar path to my parents. There is only so much I can get involved to change that and it kills me inside.
Sorry if that was intense, feels good to release though
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I am a firm believer that you choose the path!! Good on you for not following your parents belief systems which is a much harder way than the one your brother has taken. I hope u are happy every day xx
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My two girls are scarily like me in every way – looks and personality- feisty, emotional, passionate, dramatic, complicated. In summary, hard work and fabulous… In small doses!
My son is a different beast – mix of his dad and i in looks – kind, sensitive, loving, empathetic. In summary, a gorgeous person who is a pleasure to be around.
How the hell did that happen?! Same genes, same parenting, same opportunities… Second child syndrome? Who knows? But I love this topic.
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Working with kids from underprivileged backgrounds with little or not parenting (even though they might, physically, have parents), I can say with absolute certainty that it’s definitely a combination of nature and nurture.
Every kid in the same dysfunctional family is different and has different strengths and weaknesses – but they’ve all been affected by their limited upbringing. There are very few diamonds in the rough who end up having Rags to Riches stories.
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After a life time in education, many years in disadvantaged schools, I absolutely agree. It’s also why different role models need to be available. Caring teachers, uncle-aunt big-bother/sister programmes, youth clubs etc can all influence a bright child who wants to break away.
Early intervention is also essential. We ran a free educational-pre-school at our primary to ensure children were exposed to early learning. But even so, it’s a rare bird that flies free. Unfortunately the coop holds too many easier attractions. Families that prefer their drug of choice, booze, welfare payments and young-teen mothers, rarely encourage their off-spring to take a different path.
Having said that, I also know of some families living in the same areas that didn’t indulge in self-destructive behaviour and showed their children another way of living.
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My husband was one of one of four and he flew the coop. He was isolated and bullied by his brothers, but has gotten out of the cycle. I agree is is both nature and nurture. While he may not be rags to riches exactly, he’s done well for himself.
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I know the coop flyers are out there. Some have even tracked down a way to let me know. Wish we knew about more people who made the hard decision. My dad did, he chose to live a happy life. Nothing out of the ordinary but he was a terrific father.
Good luck to you.
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My parents used to always look at me like: “Where did she come from?” but then most people do as well LOL. When I was seven, I marched up to my aunt and told her I was going to be a journalist and go to university. She said: “You won’t do that.” Well guess what? I did, on a scholarship no less, the first of my family to have a degree. I also got a job before I left university at a newspaper so old Aunty Carol must be eating her words now.
Sounds to me you have done a great job with your son. Well done. Being a single parent is hard, so I take my hat off to you.
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Summer, there is an old russian proverb that says: The apple never falls too far from the tree. I think you are being very hard on yourself like most women. Great read though. All the best to you and your family.
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I think you can take some of the credit, you have most likely modelled behaviour and values that are open minded, broad and non judgemental, despite your personal challenges.
It is not the environment or situations that we come from that impact us the most, it is how the situation or challenges have been managed that influence us the most.
Relax, enjoy your beautiful young man.
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Loved this, especially the last sentence. Oh, and the one about the 2 litres of coke!
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My brother was adopted out by my parents at birth (they were 18 and 19). Later in life my parents married and had myself and my 2 younger brothers. We met our older brother when he was 16 years old and I was 11.
Despite being raised by a completely different set of parents he is so like my younger brothers and myself it is crazy, right down to the way he speaks and his mannerisms. His father wondered why Andrew was always tinkering with cars and when they found out his birth father was a mechanic it all made sense.
It has opened my eyes a lot and influenced my thoughts on the Nature vs. Nurture debate.
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Fantastic article!
My sister and I are nothing like my rat bag brothers who stole, backstabbed and lied to the family. I think parents can only influence up to a certain age then it’s completely about the individual.
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I don’t like this paragraph:
“But, honestly, I’ve never been much of role model mum. I was single for 10 years. He’s been through a divorce. We lived in low socio-economic suburbs for most of his life. I can’t cook. I’m not much of a homemaker. I get distracted easily. I have a short temper. I have been a career-focussed, working, busy parent most of his life. And I’ve had my fair share of personal challenges and difficulties along the way.”
So any of us doing any of those things – none of us can be role models, either? How about showing compassion, teaching manners, loving our children and trying our best?
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Summer could have said “I was single, so my son knows women can do things for themselves. He’s been through a divorce, so he has seen that relationships can end and it isn’t the end of the world. We lived in low socio-economic suburbs so he knows that others aren’t as lucky as him, and some are luckier. I don’t cook or clean because I am busy showing my son a woman can have a career while being a mother. I have a short temper, easily distracted and sometimes personally challenged. My son knows I am human.”
Not a bad role model at all. It’s just how you look at it.
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Exactly! I would have thought all those things – and he’s still a balanced and focused young man – meant that she’s risen above whatever the circumstances and thrived!
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Laws for Clouds, how beautifully you rewrote that paragraph. My guess is that the paragraph in question is an example of Summer’s self-proclaimed “insecurity” and “self-doubt”. She sounds like a great mother to me!
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I love your re-write of that paragraph too Laws for Clouds
I guess by listing my perceived flaws I was hoping to reassure other mums (especially new and single mums) that despite all our failings as parents we can still raise wonderful young adults.
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Very interesting. I have a brother (we are only 18 months apart in age) and we are very different in so so many ways but we share similar traits. I think the differences represent the areas in which nature, or who you are born as (personality, proclivities in certain areas etc), is stronger whereas the similarities to me represent things that were passed on to us by our parents.
I have always been very independent, always knew what I wanted to do, made my own decisions. I decided when I was 7 that I wanted to do dancing so I found a dance studio in the yellow pages and called them and made enquiries about their classes – times, dates, price etc – and then passed this information on to my mother (to be fair, my parents run a business from home and so I have grown up taking business calls when my mum was busy making me very comfortable on the phone). My brother on the other hand is much more dependent on my parents and likes to be looked after.
I am much more academically inclined than my brother (or my mum – she gave up helping me with homework when I started asking questions about the scientific probability of time travel when I was 10). I am the only one in my family to have gone to uni (and subsequently completed a bachelor and a masters degrees), when I was in primary school I used to ask for extra homework, I learnt (well, taught myself) to read before going to school, always the top of my class, pushed my mum into letting me go to a selective school… My brother on the other hand hated school, was always the bottom of the class, never did his homework…
We are both very successful, highly driven, intelligent in our respective fields (him as a tradesman and me in the arts industry) and have a strong work ethic. Finding something we loved doing for work was strongly encouraged by our parents, and they instilled their incredible work ethic in us both (owning your own business means you work all the time!). We work hard, achieve our goals and are both well liked and well respected in all areas of life.
So while I think our personalities and interests are very much naturally determined, the way we carry ourselves in the world, our work ethic and values largely stems from the influence of our parents and their ‘nurturing’.
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You sound like a perfect PhD candidate.
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I really want to do a PhD, but not quite yet.
I want to work in the industry for a while, and do the family thing first. Then I might revisit the idea. But it’s definitely on the ‘to do’ list if I get the chance.
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Love this post. I hope my eldest isn’t like me. He seems to be just as sensitive, but I’m hoping he grows a thick skin before adolescence hits. I suffered teen depression, and I don’t want that for him. I hope he grows into himself, without the influence of others.
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To this day my mother claims I was deposited as a baby in a cabbage patch by aliens. Yes, I know she’s joking (I think) but it’s always been our way of explaining why I’m so bloody different to my brother…
But as I get older we’re discovering quite a few more traits I’ve picked up from both my mum and dad and, to be honest, it’s more than a little worrying.
And, for the record, the love of plaid shirts comes from Dad.
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Rick, from what I’ve read on here I think you grew up near Boonah didn’t you? I’d say the plaid shirt influence could be a little further reaching than your Dad
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Quite frankly we blame our darling daughters paternal genes for the stark differences between her and ourselves!
Between us ‘the wife and I’ do not own a dress, the only ‘makeup’ in our house is a small tube of concealer for the odd errant zit that looks like it’s about to take over the world, the only high heels in our wardrobe are found on the Blunnies, and both of us were tomboys in our youth.
So how is it that we have got a Disney Princess addicted 6 year old who constantly wears dresses, preens in the mirror for hours and wants to wear nail polish and make-up?!?!
We certainly don’t model that behaviour at home and I would argue it’s not in my genetic make-up. Daddy on the other hand is very shall we say ‘theatrical’….
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oh and we are 99.8% sure she is straight but the odds weren’t great to begin with
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Nah, that can’t be possible twomummies. Don’t you now that homosexuals can only beget mini homosexual that will one day form camp/butch armies and take over the planet and threaten straight life as the rapid right wing knows it?
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Twomummies,
Would you prefer that she wasn’t a ‘girly girl’?
You said that you’re both 99.98 % sure that’s she’s straight and that the “odds weren’t that good” anyway. Does that mean you would have preferred her to be gay?
It’s just that, from the same-sex couples I’ve met, I’ve never come across any with a preference for their child/children’s sexual preference…
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Hilarious, Twomummies. She sounds like quite a character and at least no one can ever accuse you and the wife of not letting her be who be who she truly is! As for the make-up tips – that’s why we have the talented Zoe Foster. xx rp
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Hi twomummies,
I have two daughters and a son (in the middle).
My girls are quite different, with my younger one being the one that is all into “pretty”, with no real prompting from me, or any other individual in her life.
I never buy any women magazines, my kids only really watch the ABC channels, so don’t get exposed to many adverts, but Michaela is still into anything that she thinks is particularly girly. She insists on dresses or skirts, rather than jeans or shorts (and often suggests that I should do the same).
Her older sister is more like me – more comfortable in jeans and shorts. Amelia likes much more subdued things – less frills – aquas and greens, rather than pinks and purples that her younger sister favours.
I find it fascinating that all my kids have been quite clear about their aesthetic taste from a young age (Amelia, the “no frills” one is 11, Michaela is 6 and my son Rory is 9).
My son likes anything that he thinks is cool, which is not really about what the “in kids” are wearing, but about what he loves. He likes black or green clothes (his favourite colours) and roughly half his clothes feature space related motifs – especially Star Wars. The current favorite top is “The Emperor” from Threadless.com. It features an Emperor Penguin dressed up as “The Emperor” from Star Wars.
I wonder how much their tastes will change as they grown and start to get more peer pressure.
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I noticed with my girls (and friends girls) that they may love all that is pretty at 4, 5, 6, 7, but come 10, 11 etc you tend to be very hard pressed to praise them out of shorts and jeans etc. Favoured items tend to be worn over and over again, with them resorting to washing them themselves and taking them off the line even if not completely dry. There are differences of course, but it seems to go that way.
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I really hope my 6 year old daughter is the polar opposite of me as a teenager otherwise I am in for a lot of stress and drama. At least I might know from experience when she is lying to me I guess.
Actually Im just happy to have her with me (she was very prem) so I just want her to be who she is (with manners and kindness if I can manage to instill that into her)
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Oh, this subject is very much on my mind lately. Hubby and I have made plans to finally start trying to get pregnant later this year and all of a sudden – after me very much wanting kids for a long time – I am now freaking out and very unsure about going for it.
My father is a very difficult man, as well as having long term depression, and my mother is socially awkward and was critical and not very warm or affectionate. My sister is also very very selfish and still has tantrums and think the world revolves around her.
I have struggled against my upbringing – tried to teach myself manners and how to care for and be interested in other people. I am still by nature selfish and critical of others, and always have to work really hard to never let that come out in my actions (I do fail at that sometimes, and am so ashamed at myself when I behave badly towards others).
So I had a mini meltdown the other night. Had too much vodka on a night out with friends, and ended up blurting out all my worries and fears to hubby about having children. I have fought hard against my own nature, but I’m terrified if I have children they will either not be able to, or will not want to. What do you do if you want children, but are scared of the genetics they will inherit, and/or the (bad) influence you may have on them?
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My ex-partner has narcissistic personality disorder so I unfortunately know all about self-centredness and pathological liars. While I am currently in the middle of a long court battle to get full custody (we currently have 50:50) I work very hard to be an exceptionally positive role model to try and override the negative influence my ex has on my kids. And so far it seems to be working.
There are so many things you could worry about when it comes to having children. The most important thing is that you make the time to be with them, explain things to them and show them what it is to be a good person.
Good luck xxx
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I’ve been a teacher for many years and what kids need to grow up well is love and stability. Everything else is just window dressing. You sound like you’ll be a great mum!
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Thank you Anonymous and JosieY for your wise words. I will of course shower any future children with love and support, and cross my fingers that they also get more of my husband’s personality/nature
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I think subliminally (perhaps) we try to instil traits in our children we didn’t possess ourselves (and hence why so many are saying their children are nothing like them).
I lacked confidence and felt unloved for much of my childhood. My parents weren’t bad parents, just young and happy to watch TV and leave my sister and I to our own devices. They were too young and pre-occupied to pick-up issues we may have been having and cuddles and reassurances weren’t big in our home.
I am now a mum to a super (perhaps overly) confident 4 year old son. It astounds me to see him interact, particularly with adults. He is very smart and quite insightful with an amazing imagination. Everyday he is told he is loved and he knows inherently that no matter what happens outside the home, he has a safe haven with us. Each of his interests are encouraged whether it be being a Knight (the latest) or being a garbage man (the last 3 years!).
Although I do see bits of myself in him, I see lots of things I wasn’t but would like to have been. I think nature has something to do with it but absolutely believe parents have an influence.
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This is something I think about a lot, especially in relation to my own three children, and I’ve decided that although people are definitely born with a genetic personality, the parent has the power to either develop it to it’s fullest, or potentially squash it. As a child from parents who did the latter, I have tried my hardest to let my own children be exactly who they are. To me it sounds it like you have done the same. Well done, you DO deserve credit.
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As a parent I agree that children seem born with their own personality. But as a teacher I strongly believe that upbringing has a massive impact on how positively or negatively that personality is expressed. Kids are who they are because of both factors.
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Hey- in case you hadn’t seen it I mentioned you on the Best & Worse post today (as a best). Thanks again. xxx
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When I was growing up I was definitely a mixture of nature and nurture…
BUT
As soon as I left home I became who I wanted to be…
I know that sounds like an over-simplification, but I can’t think of how else to put it…
Hang on, let me try…How about this….
When I left home I decided to keep the parts of nature and nurture that suited me, and discarded those parts that didn’t…it was my choice.
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I definitely believe in nature over nuture. My sister and i are both adopted, and despite being given the absolutely same opportunities in life and being taught the same values, our views on ethics, morals and how we live our lives are as different as two people can be, neither of us are much like our adoptive parents (although I love them deeply) and it is scary to see how many personality traits we have in common with our biological parents.
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I hear you! I have just met my biological mother for the first time, I’m 43. I also love my ‘real’ parents deeply but am amazed how similar I am to my biological mother!
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I think that everyone is ultimately born to be what they grow to be. However, I believe that parenting shapes children into individuals who have good values (or not, depending on parenting), good/bad habits, and attitudes.
I’m a lot like my parents, but I have my own beliefs as well. I think it’s a little from column A and a little from column B.
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Maybe it is as simple as the fact that you love him and he has grown up knowing this.
I watched a program a couple of nights ago, it was on SBS and it was called “Mums-to-be misbehaving.” A very bad show to watch for me considering I’m about to embark on IVF number 4. Anyway, it was a documentary that told the story of 3 different pregnant women all of whom were not doing the “right” thing during pregancy. One was eating nothing but junk food, the other (preg with twins) wasn’t eating because she didn’t want to put on weight and the other was smoking 20 cigarettes a day. Heartbreaking to watch and with my own personal situation compounding my emotions it was difficult not to judge. Anyway, it did make me wonder what these little babies will be like in 5, 10, 20 years time or will they simply become their own person.
Bit of topic but this post made me think of it.
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Oh gosh I watched that show the other night too! I started off trying so hard not be judgemental but by the end of the show I started to feel a strong dislike towards them. I understand that smoking is an addiction as is food and worrying about body image can become obsessive BUT what annoyed me was they made no REAL effort to change their ways. If she had really tried to give up smoking and failed I would have said ‘fair enough’ but mostly their attitude was ‘why are these health workers continuing to bug me about being healthy while I’m pregnant?’……frustrating.
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ooh yes, I wanted to smack the smoker chick. grrrr.
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I remember years ago working with young teenage mothers to be who openly admitted to smoking during pregnancy so that their babies would be smaller and it would hurt less! Sorry girls but whether your baby is 5lb or 10lb its gonna hurt coming out!
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But it must hurt more when it’s bigger! More stretching & tearing!
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I saw it too and frankly I thought they were all little scrubbers. Appalling, and imagine the ones they rejected for this program. I know I am sounding judgmental and more than a little Natasha-esque. Sorry guys.
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What’s so wrong with being judgemental??? In some cases you should be!
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I only saw a little bit before I had to turn it off cause it made me too angry! It is hard to believe in a higher power/plan when people like that get pregnant accidentally, and people who are prepared to devote their life to their kids can’t.
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Very interesting article.
My parents were the type that very much controlled what we did. My mother decided that she wanted me to do ballet, even though I was very much a tomboy and did not want to go. She made me do it from the age of 5 to 13 even though I hated every minute of it. I did not relate to the other girls in my class, was not interested in learning dance and resented every second of it. My brother was also subjected to years and years of rugby league even though he did not like it either. As well as playing the game and training during the week my father also took great delight in taking him down the park and tackling him into the ground to ‘toughen him up’ for the game. Even as a child I was able to observe that my brother did not have the ‘personality’ to want to play such an aggressive game.
We were never asked what we would like to do or what interested us. Now as a parent I am determined to allow my children to help shape their choices based on what interests them. We asked my 4 year old daughter the other day what she might like to do and guess what……..she is desperate to do ballet!!! So, we have just signed her up for a semester and even though I really hate the whole ‘dance world’ I am VERY excited that she is having the opportunity to try out something that seems to be of great interest to her.
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I can relate to your experience. My dad has all the best intentions in the world but was always trying to push me and especially my brother towards certain activities and careers.
I’m a bit more headstrong than my brother and stuck to my guns with defending what I wanted to do but my brother is more of a floater. Poor kid just kept doing what dad wanted him to do. The result is that he now has a degree that he struggled through because it didn’t come naturally and now finds that the job it allows him to do he can’t stand.
I really think the best thing is for parents just to be supportive and encourage their to let their children to work hard, but allow them to make their own life choices.
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Sure, long term genetics have a lot more to do with behaviour than parenting.
However, that behaviour is still influenced by instilled ethics and values.
Also, parenting in the very short term – providing food, shelter, limits and freedoms – is beneficial for life.
The child might not act like you when they are an adult, but you’re still in there.
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This is too close to home atm. Best I just post this.
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Oh bugger it. This one just makes me laugh.
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I over heard a heartbreaking situation several months ago. A woman, clearly with addiction issues was SCREAMING at her partner whilst pushing a pram. I was visiting the physio at the time and discussed this with the receptionist, she said at least it was at the baby this time.
Anyway, later in the day, I facebooked this observation and a wise friend commented….
Flowers grow in the dirt.
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“at least it was at the baby this time” – what a horrible thing to say!!!!!
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My husband and I believe our 4yo son is a genetic freak. He can dance like nothing else while we struggle to nod our heads to the beat. He is so outgoing and personality plus with people in the palm of his hand from the word go while my husband and i are quite awkward socially. He is so different to us we dont know where he came from. But he’s a lovely gift. I’m sure I got the wrong child too : )
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I agree, my 2 year old girl already has her very own distinct personality that I feel I have had very little to do with.
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I think that often kids personalities, traits, quirks develop in a reactionary way to their upbringing.
For example your self confessed ‘short temper’ may be something he isn’t keen on so he puts a lot of effort into NOT being like that.
I know I made choices like this growing up, to NOT be certain things that my parents modelled.
I guess this is still a form of “nurture” though.
Sounds like you have a great kid and what a wonderful Mum for recognising this. Good luck keeping up with him.
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All true!
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I’m an art obsesso and my brother is a very musically talented. My parents are not musical nor artistic and I’m pretty sure it all started when they bought me a colouring book and bought my brother a mini keyboard when we were toddlers.
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Our kids will always be who they are going to be, but as mothers we can do plenty – smooth rough edges, toughen thin skin, encourage reticent empathy and feed the seeds of potential.
Summer, you provided your son with a loving home during what sound like some challenging periods in your life. Take a huge amount of credit for that!
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Maybe the fact that you pursued your personal and professional development while parenting him has been a kind of positive modelling? I think our children observe us closely and see what brings us happiness. They shape their goals from all kinds of influences, including the life paths we pursue. There’s research (in positive psychology- see Martin Seligman or Sonya Lyubomirsky) that shows that mild to moderate trauma in childhood builds resilience and creativity (obviously there’s a tipping point, and most parents don’t deliberately expose their children to trauma) so your own ups and downs probably did more good than harm. BTW you write beautifully – I love your frankness.