Lori Harding
by LORI JAI HARDING
At 28 weeks pregnant, I drove myself to the hospital with chest and stomach pains, leaving my partner & 15-month old at home. Assuming I was being overcautious I told my partner I would call him if it were anything serious.
But as I walked into Emergency, I broke down. The pain had become unbearable, I thought I was going into early labor and I couldn’t breathe. I was having my first anxiety attack. If I was really honest with myself, it had been coming for a long time.
Since I fell pregnant with my second baby, every single day felt like a struggle just to get to the end of it. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional, mentally unbalanced and in hindsight, the anxiety I felt in my chest never left me. I was struggling with the pressure and constant need from my son, and a deeply hidden fear of having another one and how I was going to cope, which of course comes with a healthy serving of guilt.
My private meltdowns had become almost a daily occurrence and had started spilling into my public life and my hospital admission was the final straw that forced me to take a good, hard look at myself and now, after a lot of self-discovery, I now understand where I went so very wrong.
Upon falling pregnant with my son (my first), I had subconsciously placed rules and regulations on myself of how (my definition) of a good mother should behave. I mean I really set myself up to fail. Firstly, myself & my partner enrolled in a hypno-birthing class & told everyone who would listen we were going to do it naturally and that it wouldn’t hurt. Well, I did manage to do it naturally but it hurt like hell and I did beg for the drugs, they just wouldn’t give them too me. FAIL.
I planned to exclusively breast-feed for at least six months, I lasted three. He was hungry. FAIL.
I had created this fantasy mother I aspired to be. A spontaneous, fun-loving mother, who was never stressed, let her children live freely & messily but always has an element of control. A ‘natural’ mother who embraced parenthood easily within her stride, she was always happy & positive and enjoyed every moment of motherhood.
I had also created rules: ‘A good mother should never get stressed or upset about trivial things like housework’. ‘A good mother should never appear overwhelmed or angry’. ‘A good mother should live in the moment, always be positive around her children, providing a happy & free environment’. I (obviously) break these rules every single day. FAIL.
I planned on returning to University part-time when my son was three months old. I did, and started working 1 day a week also – but fell pregnant again and stopped both fairly soon afterwards. FAIL.
Success. Failure.
Upon having a baby, I inherited new traits like a love of organization & cleanliness, yet I couldn’t achieve that either and hated that it bothered me so much (it broke one of my rules) FAIL.
Act like a completely stressed out, negative, overwhelmed, exhausted mother who nags her partner about the washing up sometimes FAIL.
Be the angry, stressed Mother in the grocery store that makes it look really, really hard? ULTIMATE FAIL.
The days my son doesn’t have a fun day, or I don’t get time to play with him properly, or he doesn’t get a very good dinner, or maybe I wasn’t happy enough for him. FAIL
Missing social engagements, forgetting friend’s birthdays, not connecting with certain friends anymore? FAIL.
Lucky enough to have an incredibly selfless and understanding partner, large supportive family and a comfortable lifestyle and STILL not coping? FAIL.
Not enjoying every moment of motherhood like I should? FAIL.
Inwardly I was constantly dealing with feelings of failure & guilt, outwardly I was completely stressed & overwhelmed just trying to hold it all together yet I was buckling under the pressure I had placed on my weary shoulders.
Now, at 34 weeks pregnant as I sit under a comforting blanket of clarity ad hindsight, I can now see that I placed unrealistic goals and unattainable ideals upon myself – not only had I expected greatness from myself at a role I had never done before and beat myself up every time I proved that I wasn’t perfect; I was struggling to maintain my personal expectations of career, lifestyle and relationships I had set in place pre-baby.
You just can’t ‘have it all’. Not all at once anyway. At six weeks away from being a Mother-of-two, I feel stronger than ever now that the weight of expectations has been lifted from my shoulders.
Lori Jai Harding is a young Mother of one (almost two) residing on the Gold Coast with her partner. She decided to start a blog for young mothers & families who are attempting to balance it all: family, career, lifestyle, social-life… you can find it here.
Run, don’t walk to read 12 things that you should really know about being a parent - that might just make you feel better
Have you placed unrealistic goals and unattainable ideals upon yourself before?
Comments
66 Comments so far
I wish I could show this to my own mother. I’m setting myself up for failure as a mother because I’m expected to live up to my mother’s standards instead of my own. It’s a self imposed standard but her “opinions” are hard to hide from. My mum mopped the DECK of our whole house daily … I can’t keep house now let alone when I have kids.
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Such a great post Lori, we have 4 children, but I wish I had read this when I was due to have baby 2, I would have enjoyed the moments so much more….all the best, from reading this, without a doubt you are a great mum, just remember they do grow up really fast and soon they will be at school and you will have 6 hours each day to do what you need to do…xoxoxo
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Love this post. Could have written it myself. Good luck with #2
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A few grammatical and spelling errors in this! FAIL
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You need to get a life if that’s all you’ve got to say after reading this article
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I have never met a perfect mother ! There is no doubt that motherhood is a challenge- the list can go on and on … (as a mother of 2 active boys) but the earlier you accept that — the better your self esteem etc will be and that is what your children will benefit from when situations occur – and they will forever !
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I’m sorry, but articles like this one really, really bother me. Not the sentiments described but the incessant, repetitive use of the word ‘Fail’, in capital letters no less. Can we please stop perpetuating the notion that motherhood is a pass or fail proposition? Those parents who left their newborn baby in the street the other day – that is a parenting fail. But all the emotions described in this article fall within the range of normal. Adjusting to life with a child, or children, is just that: an adjustment. A huge one. Momentous in every way. It does no one any good to label the process of adjusting one’s expectations as a ‘failure’. Indeed, adjusting one’s expectations is often the only sensible thing to do when you become a parent. As the mother of two small children I have found again and again that whenever I’m getting stressed or overwhelmed about a particular situation – whether it be related to sleep, or my toddler’s eating habits, or the washing piling up – the BEST thing I can do is to lower my expectations so that they’re more in line with reality. That is not a failure. That is a success.
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That’s the point – Sara – that’s exactly what she is saying in the article
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Point taken, Jm. I realise that the article is trying to say that it’s not a failure – to experience these emotions – but I still think that many people might read it and just see the words FAIL, FAIL, FAIL. My objection was not to the article itself (every mother on Earth can relate to her struggle) but to the use of negative language.
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How else are you supposed to describe negative emotions in a non-fictional article without using negative language?! She was simply being honest. And honesty is a rare and beautiful thing.
As a new mum myself, I found this to be an amazing article and it inspired me.
I’m sorry, but it is you who is using negative language by simply going on here and commenting about how ‘bothered’ you are by it. That is NEGATIVE.
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I couldn’t agree more. A big long comment on an article about not focussing on the false dichotomy of right/wrong, is telling the author she’s did it wrong! Sara, you might have good intentions, but comments like yours are part of the problem, not the solution.
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I really appreciate the comments on my comment. I think this is a case of reacting emotionally to an article and posting a comment in the heat of that emotion. LG is right – my intentions were good, but it came out all wrong. I apologise to the author if it seemed like I was telling her she did it ‘wrong’. All I wanted to convey is that she’s not a failure, nor is any other mother who’s experienced the emotions she wrote about, and that sometimes I’d like the word ‘failure’ to be taken out of the equation.
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Oh Lord! This was me 4 years ago, although my rock bottom wasn’t a panic attack in hospital but happened 1 week after baby No.2 arrived. I held her in my arms and panic and guilt consumed me and I just had to say out loud to my Dad, Mum and visiting Aunt, “I’ve made a terrible mistake, I never should have had another baby.”
It’s just that I, like Lori, had “failed” in my mind to tick all the boxes on the list of ‘things good mothers do’ with the first, so why the bloody hell did I go and have another one I was going to mother inadequately. The good news is that I now have no doubt that having another baby was the best thing I’ve ever done and I ended coping brilliantly, if I do say so myself – oh and by coping brilliantly I mean I’m still here and I still have my marbles, just. The turning point was starting to be honest out loud about the internal dialogue I was having about my abilities as a mum with the people around me, particularly people I’d always thought I’d have to appear as the perfect mother to ie. my own mum, mother-in law, aunts, frenemies, people in supermarkets, cousins I’d want to impress ugh! It’s embarrassing to admit that I used to put that sort of pressure on myself – the arrogance! I didn’t walk around saying “oh look at me I am a crappy mum” or anything like that but I didn’t pretend I was coping if I wasn’t and I stopped trying to actively show people what a good mother I was being.
The next best thing that happened is that I developed a radar for other relaxed, joyful, honest mums who were proud of their imperfect mothering skills and they helped me laugh at myself, inspired me to chill out and enjoy the wonderful, messy, exhausting, magical and all too brief ride that raising young children can be.
My kids are pretty awesome, so people keep telling me – but they’re not perfect and neither is their mum….which is perfect.
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Mott, I loved your comment! It took me a long time to find those down-to-earth mum friends you described, but when I did it made all the difference.
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What a beautiful and honest piece!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and failures!
At 32 weeks pregnant and with a 2.5-year-old I too worry about how I’ll be able to stretch my already worn self even further.
While I think I’ve been fairly honest with myself and my abilities. That said, my husband and I often clash which brings my world down and I’m really looking forward to starting a six-session therapy round next week, to get my head sorted out and hopefully more of the realisation that it’ll be OK.
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I so do not agree with that quote. As a SAHM, if I didn’t take a few minutes here and there throughout my day, to do something completely UNRELATED to being a parent (draw in my journal, state out the window, get on ebay, vacuum in another room, etc) I would go batshit insane. I think this kind of guilt-inducing claptrap is precisely what this post is warning against.
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Thanks Lori. This has described me and couldn’t have come at a better time. My five month old is sick with a cold and fever screaming all day and here I am blaming myself – guilt for not being able to calm her, for feeling frustrated by the situation, wishing I could have continued breastfeeding her (had to stop due to illness), and for finding it all so hard with a sick baby. Motherhood has been sooooooooo much harder than I expected. And being a perfectionist doesn’t help. I need to learn to let go. Thanks for putting things in perspective. I guess we need to learn these things about life the hard way. One day at a time, ups and downs, there is no perfection, withhold judgement of others and enjoy the small moments.
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Oh boy. Having a baby and a toddler was one of the most fraught periods of my life, despite having family near by, a comfortable financial situation and the most supportive husband anyone could ask for. You really have to go with the flow and accept that chaos is the new normal. Keep repeating to yourself – “its just for now. Its not forever”. Also constantly remind yourself of what is lovely and amazing about your children.
http://mum-abulous.com/2012/08/05/lovely-and-amazing/
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It really is. I constantly feel like I am failing one child or the other.
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I am so glad you are releasing yourself from the expectations, Brilliant!
My youngest baby is just now 4 1/2 years old, and I only now, just am starting to feel more on top of things!
It is a hard hard time, be kind to yourselves. My advice would be: Get take away occasionally; Yes – scrambled eggs on toast is an Ok meal; if your budget stretches, get a cleaner (and please dont tidy before they come!); Learn to embrace the chaos sometimes; cuddle those kids!
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I have followed your blog since it’s conception and Lori, you have such a palatable way of writing.
Much much love!!
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Thank you Beck! And I so appreciate your kind words (all of them!)
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This is great timing for me. I have a three-yr old and another one the way and am terrified about having to give up all my perfect controlling little standards. I know i won’t be able to have myself and the house look the way I want, in order to meet the emotional needs of both of them, and am preparing myself to say “this too shall pass” and let those things go when I need to. My toddler already picks up on it when i’m mentally unavailable or pressuring myself or him. I’m learning I can sooner get the things done that i need to when i just relax, and just do it when i can do it. No sooner.
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This is probably true for most mums at some point I’d say.
I had a similar experience recently which ended in a hospital stay for a chest infection so severe that after 6 weeks of it the most I could do at home was move a few metres and yelp in pain. After I finally went to hospital with pneumonia I realised I had been putting my husband and daughter (& housework) before myself in every single way.
Such an extreme way to realise it but I now put myself first and have realised that I am no good to them anyway if I am not looking after myself so we are all so much better off & they love the new happy healthy Mummy
Ironically I actuall get more housework done now as I’m not wearing myself out with stress!
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I lived this. Except for the natural birth bit (total need for control meant an elective Caesarian). Am still struggling so much I’ve increased the dose of antidepressants and there is no way we could go on and have a second child. My daughter is now 3.5years and it’s only marginally better. Sending you big hugs. Xx
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And this is exactly why I didn’t read a single bloody pregnancy or parenting book (apart from Kaz Cooke’s, because it was hilarious… Still didn’t finish it!). Did a hypnobirthing course, but only to overcome my fears of the labour process and give hubby some relaxation skills so he’d feel useful (and still happily asked for an epidural at 9cm!). Now watching my happy little 5 week old gurgling in her Moses basket and feel like we’re doing a bloody good job… But only because I refused to set expectations beforehand.
I was lucky to have an awesome, laid back obstetrician who refused to let me over think the pregnancy and labour (“you can give me a birth plan, but I’ll just chuck it in the bin- the plan is to get the baby out safely!), and fantastic midwives who taught us everything we’d need to know to get by, when we were in hospital after the birth (as well as providing support once we were home).
Not naive enough to think we won’t hit speed bumps, but content to take each day as it comes, rather than project too far into the future and then let myself down.
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It is really common to feel this way, and if anyone does, and would like someone to talk to and some support, call PANDA (www.panda.org.au) 1300 726 306. We’re there Monday to Friday from 9 am to 7 pm.
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I have called PANDA when I was struggling with worrying what others were thinking of me and it made a huge difference. They were so lovely and calm and reassuring.
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Yeah, my hands up for this one too. I had my first baby in my early 30′s and I put it down to the fact I had a good few years to plan (and obsess) how I was going to be a good mother. Coupled with the fact in my job I was successful, always in control and knew exactly what I was doing – I just assumed my ‘skills’ would carry over into motherhood! HA HA HA HA!!!!
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Great article, I can really relate to it. A lot of Lori’s thoughts about how motherhood ‘should be’ are very similar to thoughts that I have had (often) since having my son nearly three years ago.
I have been brought up to have very high expectations due to the expectations placed on me when I was growing up and I am forever on a mission to make the ‘right’ choice and to do the ‘right’ thing. I struggle daily with my role as a mother, wife, daughter, employee and am trying to learn that whatever happens, whatever choices I make, I can make them work and that life isn’t black and white and is more of a learning journey. Changing my thoughts about how things ‘should be’ is going to take a long time, but I hope to one day have a moment like Lori when I obtain clarity and can reach acceptance
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Oh wow, Katrina, you wrote the thoughts in my head!!
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On the sofa with coffee and chocolate while 20 month old watches TV and 7 week old swings. Not fingerprinting or doing baby massage. Fail. Oh the guilt.
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This resonated so strongly with me. I am a new mum- well not so new anymore my boy is 15months, and I had that dream of being the perfect mum. I was an active observer for many years before I had my boy & always vowed to be a better parent than those I was surrounded by. How silly of me to judge. I do often feel judged by others though, especially other mums, be it at the local rhyme time or when out shopping & my little one is being a handful. Some of the ghastly looks I get are from other mums. Those looks just confirms that I am not the perfect parent I thought I would be. But I do try to remind myself that my little boy is happiest when I put his needs first, which often means laundry, housework, hobbies get done during nap time or in the evenings.
Also I have just had a very constructive discussion with my husband following reading this article. I actually read the article to him & explained how I could relate to it. He had no idea I felt the way I did and thanked me so much for telling him as he will make a more concerted effort around the house and with our little one done so it’s not all left to me. I think he thought he was living the dream. We have agreed to talk more. It just goes to show that you can’t assume people know what you’re thinking and feeling. So a big thank you!!
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Hi Libby,
Wow I am so chuffed that this article opened up a conversation with your partner. This is probably the best thing that could have come from sharing my story so thanks so much for the comment, you’ve made my day!
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I love that saying “I knew it all & was the perfect mum…… And then I had a baby….”
So many mums can relate to this, some like minded mum friends have made the world of difference to my experiences x
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Thank you so much for writing this.
I am crying as I read this as I totally relate as this is me. I have a 3 month old baby and everyday I struggle with everything that you mentioned. Its so nice to realise I’m not alone.
Thank you so much
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You are definitely not alone Stephanieg! It is hard to remember that though when you are at home with a little one demanding your attention and the dishes on the kitchen bench along with other chores are still sitting waiting by the time your other half gets home. Have you thought about seeking some help? If you go to a GP and set up a better health access plan and obtain a referral for a psychologist you are able to claim some of the cost back through medicare. It is valuable to share how you are feeling and gain insight into the situation. Good luck and well done on making it through the toughest first few months
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You are definitely not alone, in fact – I am pretty sure every single Mother on earth feels this way at some point in time. Everything fell into place for me at the three month mark with both my boys – I bet in the next week everything gets a little bit easier.
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StephanieG, you are SO not alone. The first few months of new motherhood are really hard, and in my experience babies take about 3 months to get used to being in the world… Usually becoming easier from about 3-4 months.
On the harder days if you don’t have a friend nearby you can talk to, ring PANDA, all their support workers are mums themselves and completely get it.
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I found the first three months tough in the sense that you are suddenly at the beck and call of a beautiful new soul, but as yet your baby doesn’t respond much to you. Although you feel a bond it can be difficult feeding, changing and soothing a baby before they giggle back at you, or babble at you so you know they are happy. As they get older they communicate in new and different ways and this becomes even more rewarding. Wait till your little one laughs at you when you say “no!” or crawls into your lap for a cuddle. Motherhood is amazing in that it literally gets a little bit more amazing every single day- even the really hard days! Take heart Stephanie g, I bet your connection will grow stronger every day and things will get better!
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Pls seriously consider doing as Katrina recommends. My partner did six months ago and it has been an absolute blessing. He feels so much better. Started with one visit a week now down to one a month and all possible due to subsidy accessed via getting a mental Heath plan.
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Thanks for sharing your story Lori. I related a lot to it, particularly this bit: ‘Lucky enough to have an incredibly selfless and understanding partner, large supportive family and a comfortable lifestyle and STILL not coping? FAIL.’
It’s amazing the amount of pressure we put on ourselves and therefore so great for people, like yourself, to share your perspective. Helped me to remember I’m not alone in setting such high standards…..am getting much better tho!!
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Im a young mum and so to prove everyone wrong about us I set all the rules and obligations up to be ‘like’ everyone else is when they have their children at 30 instead of 20. I didn’t have a house with with my partner or even a car so I det to have everything they everyone else had…. Didn’t happen that way and ended up putting all this stress and anxiety on my partner and my relationship. We almost didn’t make it through the period but happily 3 years on we have and are now engaged and trying for our second. To all mums out there young and older give yourself a break have break hug you kids and partner and everything will be fine in time. And seek help early if you need it. I had to and it saved me.
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Lovely comment, good on you. Nothing wrong with being a young mum!
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I don’t have kids yet, but I often think about it in terms of how i’d want to “do it”. I suppose it’s that romantic view of things, the same way we imagine what our future life-partner relationships are going to be like, before we are actually in one.
When i find myself doing the “this is how I’ll do it all” type thinking, I remind myself that up until now I have had a life filled with good things, bad things, disappointment, achievement, laziness, enthusiasm, boredom… and nothing is going to miraculously change about me (or life) because I have kids. I’ll just be adding in a whole lot of extra work and more cues to elicit the above varied behaviours….
I also look at the relationships I have with others (like partner, mother, siblings) and see how multi-faceted and less than “perfect” but still rewarding they are, and I think… who’s to say my relationships with my kids will be any different. I don’t mean in terms of love (I know the ‘there’s no love like for your kids’ adage) but I mean in terms of variability of emotion and mood.
When I think about the above, it soon gets me out of la-la perfect parenting land and back into reality.
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I got a lot out of reading your comment, with few words you are a gifted writer. So insightful and especially so considering you don’t have kids yet.
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Love your comment bedizz. You are absolutely right, I’m not sure why I’ve never thought about it this way. You have a lovely writing style.
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Hi bedizz,
I agree! Beautiful writer and a beautiful perspective. You are already miles ahead with this attitude!
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Wow, so true! Great insight into the complicated and imperfect nature of relationships, and love. I’m not sure why the mothering role is so susceptible to idealisation, but it’s a shame because it sets a lot of us up to fail, as the author of the original post said….I’d say you’re doing really well to have such a healthy perspective on mothering, before becoming one yourself.
Wish I’d been that astute– I, like
so many others, learned the “crash and burn” hard way.
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Edit: Oops, this is Rivkah. I forgot to log in.
I can relate to a lot of this article, especially:
“I had created this fantasy mother I aspired to be. A spontaneous, fun-loving mother, who was never stressed, let her children live freely & messily but always has an element of control. A ‘natural’ mother who embraced parenthood easily within her stride, she was always happy & positive and enjoyed every moment of motherhood.
I had also created rules: ‘A good mother should never get stressed or upset about trivial things like housework’. ‘A good mother should never appear overwhelmed or angry’. ‘A good mother should live in the moment, always be positive around her children, providing a happy & free environment’. I (obviously) break these rules every single day. FAIL.”
It’s so easy to be so incredibly hard on ourselves as new mothers.
Just one question though Lori – you say you were denied pain relief when in labour – that sounds unacceptable to me. What reasons were you given? I also think it’s very unfortunate that the hypnobirthing course set you up to believe that you wouldn’t experience pain. I did the Calmbirth course and found it great preparation for labour – it doesn’t deny the experience of pain but seeks to get you into the right headspace for managing it. (This isn’t an ad – I’m not associated with the Calmbirth program or any practitioners of it).
All the best Lori for the arrival of number 2. I hope that you can continue to have compassion and kindness for yourself.
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Hi Rivkah,
Thank you for your comment, this post was actually written 8 months ago – I now have a happy, healthy six-month-old little boy and life is great. Better than ever now that I am not so bloody hard on myself!
Regarding your Q on my pain relief – I am sure if I carried on a bit more they would have given it to me – they just kept telling me I could do it – which i did – twice now! I had sensational midwives.
I in no way want to discredit Hypnobirthing – I had a wonderful teacher and it really did help us in so many ways and I had pretty great second birth (well, as good as birthing a child can get) thanks to what I learnt in Hypnobirthing and some experience of course! I was just living in first-time-mother la-la land thinking it wasn’t going to hurt!
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Im 20wks and sometimes catch myself setting these expectations. This article couldn’t come at a better time. Thankyou. Xo
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Lori be kind to yourself. Nobody knows how they are going to be as a mother until they are actually doing it. And you don’t know what sort of child you are going to have until they are born and you get to know them. All these things you’ve listed above aren’t ‘FAILS’. They are normal first time (or any time!) mum behaviours. Life’s not perfect, you just have to do the best you can if that means a daily meltdown at the moment then so be it. It will get better, I promise! xx
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Wonderful article & great advice for all parents to heed – thanks for sharing your story
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atleast it tells future mothers not to be the ‘perfect dream’ for ur baby
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Um, how come my name does not appear as the author? I am sure I must have written this, it’s exactly how I feel. While I hate to think that anyone else feels just as swamped by motherhood, it is always reassuring to be in good company.
Mothers with high expectations unite!
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What a great article! I wish I had read that when I had a 9 month old and was thinking all the same things only I believed I was suffering from post natal depression!
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Lori, you are not alone. So many mothers put unrealistic expectations on themselves. We are competing against each other rather than supporting each other. The pressure is enormous. You are not a failure, you are just a normal mother. I know as I went through the same thing (not as acute as full blown anxiety attacks) but the vision of how motherhood would be. It turned out so very different and I still beat myself up about not being the mother I want to be.
I am though coming to terms with the fact that although I am never going to win mother of the year and it is always going to be a struggle for me, my kids are safe, happy, healthy and have an unconditional love and bond that is unbreakable with me. So I must be doing something right.
It is hard, but please, you are not alone, you are just normal.
xx
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I agree, I think its unfortunately so common for us to pressure ourselves with our first in particular. When my second was born I was full of guilt that me and my first no longer could up and go to the beach on a whim etc. But slowly I realised I wasn’t living realistically before my second. Now we have 3 and I certainly dont get everything done all the time but Im cool with that. I found with relaxing I also made some true awesome friends. Good luck with your second and just remember noone will die if the dishes arent done and dinner isn’t nutritionally balanced for a night
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Hey Mel!
I completely agree! Having multiple children forces you to give up the perfection act because it is physically impossible and it is actually liberating to accept it and embrace it! I want my children to embrace the beautiful little people they are, so I have to do the same!
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Wow… this is me!!!
I have lots of parallels with your story. I dreamt of being an ‘earthmother’ with my beautiful son. We attended ‘Calmbirth’ (very similar to ‘hypnobirthing’) and I was going to birth my baby without intervention. I was going to spend all of my time with our son, not get distracted by facebook, tv or other selfish pursuits. There would be no controlled crying in my house, I was going to adapt the ‘attachment parenting’ model- whatever my baby wanted, he was going to get. He would know from day one that I am 100% here for him!
I know look back and reflect on what a great mother I was before my son was born…
In reality I now understand that I am the best mum for my son because I am real, with real flaws. I accept that each day we spend together is wonderful (even when it doesn’t always feel so great at the time) because we are learning together. If I want my little man to grow up with a strong self esteem I need to model for him that it’s better than ok to not be perfect in fact it’s our uniqueness (flaws and all) that make us beautiful.
Lori, thank you so much for your insight. Now will all real mothers please stand up and stop the toxic portrayal of ‘the perfect mother’.
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Hi Justforkicks,
Completely agree! Embrace our flaws, take it easy on ourselves and produce level-headed, happy children instead of perfection-seeking, anxious ones!
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This won’t be a popular comment but I have to say it. I’m a professional counsellor and in the past few years have been working primarily with women suffering from PND and PNA (postnatal anxiety). A large proportion of them are first time mums following an attachment style of parenting. I think AP fosters a myth of selfless mothering “perfection” that very few can live up to, thus setting new mums up (especially those with difficult babies and/or lacking family support) for a sense of inadequacy and yes, failure.
I’ve basically come to see the AP approach
as a risk factor for PND/PNA.
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Hi Fresh eyes
I believe following the attachment parenting philosophy left me vulnerable to PND. I was lucky to have amazing support around me (my husband and parents) who very quickly identified that things weren’t working and helped me to let go of the huge demands I was placing on myself.
I have a wonderful little man who has always been very determined and strong willed. Using attachment parenting meant that he feed from me around the clock- literally, I didn’t sleep. He was a very big boy and has always loved his food. He continued to ‘overfeed’ causing wind pains and therefore, he didn’t sleep either- the end result was, we were both exhausted and left crying in the corner.
Once I let go and worked on other settling techniques for my son to sleep apart from me, we both got some much needed rest and made it back from the brink.
Having said all of that, a very good friend of mine has a very calm baby (has always been, she used to worry that he slept too much!) and she continues to use AP and it has worked really well for them.
Basically the moral of the story is, you don’t know what is going to work until you meet and understand the temperament of your little one.
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As a mum of two kids under three i am a chronic over-achiever and a bit of a perfectionist by nature. Up until recently I was finding myself becoming anxious and overwhelmed by the tasks I set myself to achieve, The one thing that helps put things back in perspective is having the ability to stop at the end of each day and look at how my behaviour affects my kids. I tell myself try to do a better job at this parenting thing tomorrow and make the time you spend with the kids your number one priority and each day, each week it gets better. The house is messier and I don’t work as much as I could but they are only little for a short time. I read this the other day: When parents “let their ambitions, housework or hobbies become a higher priority than parenting, and they begin to view their children as annoying interruptions. This attitude guarantees failure, frustration and anger. Inly be recording priorities and recognising that parenting is a highly demanding job will there be any hope for decent results and absence of frustration” That has stuck with me and is my little mantra at the moment. It seems to be helping
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Great quote and soo true. Thank soozinthesun
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