“Mum, what does sexy mean?”
by MIA FREEDMAN
So we’re driving along – me and my 6yo daughter – and that Nicki Minaj song ‘Pound The Alarm’ comes on the radio.
I’m having a bit of a Nicki moment. Her music is fun and I like to rock out in the car because these days it’s pretty much my only opportunity to do so.
I digress.
Some of the lyrics in ‘Pound The Alarm’ – like pretty much every song written since 1980 – include the words “sexy & hotter”.
If you have kids or can remember being one, you can guess what came next. My daughter pipes up from the backseat: “Mum, what does sexy mean?”
My first response in these situtations is always the same: stall.
“Um, sexy is an adult word. What do you think it means?”
“I don’t know but Sophie and Emma always say that Lady Gaga is sexy. What does it mean?”
The wheels spun frantically in my head and the sound of a drumroll echoed in my ears the way it always does when I’m asked one of those questions that feels supremely important and that my child’s entire future depends on me giving the right answer.
Yep. Just that. No pressure. NO PRESSSSSURE.
“Darling, you know what? I’m going to have a think about how to explain it and get back to you.”
This may have been the most triumphant moment of my parenting career so far. The idea that I can go away and think about an answer instead of having to give it on the spot like a pop quiz, has been revolutionary and only occurred to me at that very moment yesterday while I was driving.
So here I am. Asking for some advice. How do you describe ‘sexy’ to a 6-year-old? Because she’s waiting for an answer.
And let’s open it up – if you have any other stories about awkward kid questions you’ve had to answer or any questions you are worried about being asked in the future, leave a comment! And if you have experience or wisdom or helpful suggestions to offer, reply to the comments of other readers.
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225 Comments so far
When our kids were little those old reliable “Where Did I Come From” books were a terrific help………….but I remember our son asking that question one day when he was about 4yrs old……we were standing under the washing line and I was putting out washing and was anxious not to make this info seem like a “big deal”.
I went through a lengthy explanation as carefully and as “matter-of-factly” as I could and felt quite proud of myself.
I then said “well, what do you think of that ?” and he said “Hmmmph……..what’s for lunch ?”
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Talking to your kids about sex is completely different to having your child understand the concept of ‘sexy’ and I am so over the word.
It’s overused and accepted within society as another word for ‘feeling confident and pretty’ when actually sexy is another word for ‘rootable’ right?
Calling someone sexy implies you are sexually attracted to them, that you would have sex with them if you could. As some commenters have noted, this is an adult concept and an adult word. However it’s constant use in all aspects of media and pop culture have resulted in the word being an acceptable term for meaning pretty, attractive, cute etc.
This is the spiel I gave my husband when without thinking he told my 3 year old she looked sexy. I baulked! He defended himself with the ‘spunky, pretty’ term but after my lecture he understood it was completely inappropriate.
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I told my son it means good looking but is only an adults word. Only because he was calling me sexy, which is a tad inapprops but I didn’t make a fuss and he stopped saying it from them on!
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Great first response Mia.
Sounds like you have a great opportunity to be part of the conversation and definition about this, because it sounds like it is already being discussed in the “school yard”.
I can remember my friends and I when we got our first dictionary at school going through it searching for the “naughty words” and reading them. And then it became something to hide that I was discussing these things with my friends at school and God help me if my parents found out.
I like Christine Briggs idea about using the dictionary…seems honest and logical. But I looked it up and it seems the definition (i.e., provoking or intending to provoke sexual interest) would raise more questions than answers.
To me “sexy” is about making a judgement based on our own ideas of what appealing is. But it is also about the feeling of sexy. When you feel confident and glowing. So it is not just about what we find visually pleasing but also a feeling we have about ourselves.
I wonder though, guys tend to find inanimate objects like cars sexy and us women would describe shoes as sexy…so maybe it doesn’t have to be a conversation about sexuality and female appeal….maybe about aesthetics and liking something ????
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Oh my, this day will no doubt come for me soon too so thanks for asking!
Our 6 year old asked me last night who the richest man in NZ was. I responded with a convoluted answer that rich means different things to different people and to some being rich is who has the most money and the most things like boats and houses but to me it meant being healthy, happy and safe so therefore her Daddy is the richest man in NZ and he has those things and us. Not sure she’s buying it! She asked her Dad and while he thoughfully paused she said its Richie Mccaw (NZ All Black Captain) isn’t it?! Sigh!
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My 3-year-old son (who was 2 1/2 at the time) watched his sister’s birth from the business end (absolutely not how we planned it!) and I’m pretty sure he remembers it, so I’m not anticipating any ‘where do babies come from?’ questions anytime soon!
Sexy isn’t a word I’d like my kids to be using before puberty, but my method of discouraging them will depend on how old they are when it comes up.
Pre-kinder age, I plan to deflect them by implying they’ve misheard the word. My husband curses ‘Jesus Christ’, which makes me cringe more so than swearing, and unfortunately despite my warnings it rubbed off on our son and he started using it too. I began correcting him to ‘cheese and rice’ – so far so good. (With my husband too!)
Kinder/junior primary age, I’d give them a few basic literal meanings of the word (I think they’re probably still too young for the abstract concept of ‘sexiness’) and warn them that it’s an adult word, only adults should use it, and kids shouldn’t ever be called sexy.
When I was 12 a few of the boys in my circle of friends introduced me (and a few other previously innocent girls) to the word ‘dildo,’ and we would all use it as an insult to each other, in place of ‘idiot’ or ‘fool.’ I was staying at one of the girls’ houses one weekend and we were referring to various classmates as ‘dildos’ when her stepfather pulled us aside and asked if we knew what the word meant. (in hindsight, he was probably relieved we didn’t!) He explained it to us, and I at least was so mortified I haven’t said it since!
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Some good advice here…
My most recent ‘KILL ME NOW” moment was when my 8 year old son asked me “Mum, how many times did you and dad have sex to get me and Matilda?”..the answer of course was “Just those two times darling”..*awkward*
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get a dictionary take her and sit down and show her exactly what it means be total honest.
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‘”Sexy” is a word used by adults to describe adult attractiveness, however sometimes it’s used by some people to describe things that are not adult attractive, in place of words like “awesome” or “cool”, this is the wrong way to use it and it makes you sound quite silly.’
This is the exact description my very wise sister in law used to describe sexy to her young son. I wrote it down so that I would remember exactly what I should say when I am either 1) asked or 2) hear my son use the term.
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My 4 year old sometimes struggles with the concept of time frames so when she asks where she was when I’m talking about events that happened before she was born I tell her it was while she was still very tiny in my tummy (kind of true!). Now she’s figured that she must have tiny babies in her tummy that will be born when she becomes a mummy. I’ve tried to explain she has eggs a bit like a chicken. She’s now trying to wrap her head around a baby trying to fit into a tiny egg. She’s picking all the inconsistencies in my story. It’s getting complicated!
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When my now 12 year old was little she asked a lot of hard questions about the world and sex and well everything. I always tried to answer honestly but when driving the car it was often hard to think and explain some of the more complex things (about religions and universe).
To give myself time to think I would often say something like ‘that is really hard for me to explain to you in a way you will understand, let me think about it’
This led to her inventing the word ‘underplain’ basically a combination of understand and explain.
So when talking about something she would (and eventually us) say ‘well that is too hard to underplain at the moment’
I still use it from time to time as I think it is a great word.
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I remember clearly As a child I was watching a movie and asked my parents what a virgin was. After long awkward pauses and a lot of mum looking at dad and vice versa mum finally answered “it’s when a person has never kissed someone”. It was only a matter of weeks later at school that I found out what it really ment in terms of sex and the movie I was watching. I already knew what sex was from school and I was horrified and hurt that my parents had lied to me. I think that’s what started me being too embarrassed to ask them about anything.
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My the 2 1/2 year old son name his younger sisters (then 18 months) private parts an “up and down hole”. In our horror we ask why he called it that and he proceeded to tell us the the line goes up and down! Well since then we have tried to change its name with no luck. When I was pregnant with my 3rd then asked me how does the baby come out and I said through my up and down hole. They were happy with my explanation.
good luck
Re the sexy bit, I think you should start to tell her the truth, that it Is an adult word that we, as adults, use to describe others that are attractive in a certain way. I also say to my kids, I will give to further exPlantion when needed
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My response would be ‘sex’ is something adults do. ‘sexy’ is a word to describe one of the ways that adults can be attractive.
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For a 6yo I would probably explain that there are lots of words that describe how someone looks; beautiful, pretty, handsome etc.
Sexy is a bit like that but it’s also about how someones dresses or acts.
Lady Gaga get dressed up in very fancy outfits. Some people think she looks sexy but I think she looks cool. Sexy is not really a word for kids.
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(Sorry Mia – my story has NOTHING to do with explaining sexy.)
Once my mum was breastfeeding me on a park bench and random kid sat next to her….
Kid: (points at boob) What’s in there?
Mum: Special milk for the baby.
Kid: (points at other boob) What’s in that one?
Mum: What do you think is in there?
Kid: Food.
Mum: Unfortunately no.. but I like your thinking.
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Love this thread!
I used to babysit a little girl when I was a teenager, and I’ll never forget what happened around Mothers Day when she was in Kindy. The Kinder teachers were making Mothers Day cards with the kids and were asking the kids why they loves their mums and putting their responses in the cards for mum. The mum absolutely DIED when she read her card; ‘i love my mum because she’s sexy’ HAHAHAHA oh man. What else could she expect when she reverred to herself as a ‘sexy mumma’ hahaha! She didn’t live that down in a hurry…
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Think I may have already told this story…When I was seven we were in London travelling on a busy tube and I was reading a Spice Girls magazine in which Melanie B was detailing how she had lost her virginity. Of course…
Me: ‘Mum, whats virginity?’
**Crowded tube has all eyes on us**
Mum: Ummm, how is it written?
Me: Melanie B said she lost her virginity in her room when she was 17 and her parents were downstairs.
Mum: It’s a…. vase.
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Lol! This reminds me of when my little brother was newborn and my older cousin came to stay. She was very interested in how the baby had gotten out of Aunty’s tummy and kept nagging my mum who kept fobbing her off as she knew that my cousins parents didnt want to have THAT chat with her yet. Finally, another aunt, who had ceasarians for her children came over and they showed my cousin the scar from the incision and told her it was a zipper the doctors pulled down so the baby could come out. I was about 6 and my parents had taken me to a family planning talk during my mum’s pregnancy. Upon hearing this, I blurted out knowledgeably ‘NO mummy. You pushed him out of your vagina once daddy moved his penis from putting the baby in in there! Don’t you remember?!’ Pretty sure my cousin did get the talk after that!
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My cousin as a five year old (he is now 27), asked 18 year old me (his favorite big cousin) what a tart was. Not sure how to answer I picked up a magazine, showed him a picture of the queen and said she isn’t one. I then showed him a picture of an outrageously dressed Madonna and said she is one (sorry Madonna). Needless to say he still had no clue but he has always remembered that conversation and still brings up the time I tried to explain what a tart was.
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Like most words, ‘sexy’ has a number of different meanings- depending on the context and with whom you are talking. My 7 yo boy has just recently asked us what ‘sexy’ means. He was asking in relation to a song on the radio also.
As far as I am concerned, sexy is something that you ‘do’ rather than something that you ‘are’. So for my 7 yo, in the context of some ridiculous pop song, I told him it meant to “show off”…a performance as such.
This is all he needs to know right now.
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Our 14yr old girl has two parents that are always honest, never embarrassed… we tell it like it is.
A couple of years ago she asked me what circumcision was. I took her to the computer and Googled it. Her response… urgh gross! Haha
She asks a question, we answer.
She is the most well adjusted kid I know!
She’s honest in return, talks to us about the boy she has a crush on (the first ) and is wise beyond her years.
Think we got it right
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We do exactly the same thing with our kids. We are as open and as honest as we can be.
When asked what sexy means. I talked about the finding someone attractive and people present themselves so others might find them attractive. I also mentioned that it can be refereed to as liking someone as lot or attractive enough that you may want to have sex with them.. if you are old enough to do so!
My 12 year asked a great one the other day ‘Mum I think I understand how gay men have sex, but how do gay women have sex.. I was too scared to google it so I thought I would ask you’
The openness has paid off, she trusts us to ask questions about such things knowing we will answer honestly and she talks about who she likes and her feelings knowing we won’t give her a hard time or baulk at answering it.
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We have also been really honest with our kids, that was important to me as I was always too embarrassed to talk to my parents about anything as they made everything seem a taboo subject. My 8 and 6 year old know about sex, babies, periods etc but I will be honest by saying I’m glad I have not had to answer the gay sex question yet.
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“She is the most well adjusted kid I know!”
I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way, it’s hard to be objective when it comes to your own kids.
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When my brother was about 9 he asked my dad what a circumcision was, and his answer was ‘when you run laps around a football field’
Sufficient to say, mum answered all the ‘tough’ questions.
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Sexy is when someone’s love for themselves and their bodies shines through so that other people notice it as well.
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By the way, how’s this for big questions at the wrong times….
My older child decided to ask me about pregnancy (“is it uncomfortable” etc?) and childbirth (“does it hurt?”) at the dinner table with my inlaws there. They are only there a handful of times in a year but this child thought that right then would be a great time to ask. I have NO idea what made them think of it right that moment! I was so hoping the follow up questions didn’t include “how are babies made anyway?”. I managed to answer all the other questions, but I’m not sure my nerves would have held up to answering those questions in front of my mother and father in law!! I definitely would have needed that rain check then!
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Yes i had to explain what sexy is to my 6yo having banned LMFAOs Im Sexy and I Know It. The only way I knew how to explain it was that it was when a boy liked you because you look hubba hubba and not because you are clever or funny or kind. And yes i know smart and funny can be sexy but i tried to keep it simple for my audience. We have had tampon chats and how babies get out. Pets and family deaths have raised the mortality issue (my eldest has figured out for herself that i too will die one day ). Im always open with my kids, and give them honest but age appropriate answers.
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When I was 10 I wanted a necklace to wear to the school disco that had the word sexy on it. Mum said no but I think I drove her crazy pestering her for days till she finally cracked it and said “DO you know what sexy means? It means you are available for sex, do u what people at the disco to think that!”. It sounds so harsh these days but that did stop me wanting things that said that!
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my brother once asked me to ask my mum what a wanker was… I was 6. By the look on mum’s face and the quick absence of my brother from the room, I knew it was something ‘adult’. She first asked where I had heard it and if I had any idea what it meant. So I told her ‘ (my brother) told me and no i didnt know what it mean…. she said its a word that means ‘when men play with their private parts’. Hmmm, I wondered why the hell men would do that!!!!????
Next awkward moment: I found tampons in mums bathroom cabinet…. walked out with tampon in hand and asked ‘mum what are these things for?’ response, ‘they are for grown up ladies to use in the bathroom’. Hmmm interesting I thought…. so back to the bathroom I went. YEP, I tried to wipe after having a wee and I thought ‘THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS INVENTION… I’m sticking to toilet paper! even when I become a grown up lady!!
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Haha bel the tampon tale is GOLD!!
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My 4 year old son always walks in on me when I’m on the toilet. I don’t lock the door as I can’t bare the his emotional breakdown when he can’t get in. Unfortunately he has now walked in on me when I have been using a tampon more than once. How do I answer his questions about what I am doing and why. What do I say? So far I have offered “its mummy’s medication?!?! Please help.
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Tell him the truth! Keep it simple eg grown up ladies have a little bleed every month but it doesnt mean mummy is hurt…then later you can explain it is what happens if she doesnt have a baby growing…
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My daughter (nearly 3) often walks in on me using tampons. “Mama, can I see?” (pause) “oooh, mama you’ve got blood, do you need a bandaid?” I explain that ladies bleed every few weeks but it doesn’t hurt, and tampons help soak up the blood so it doesn’t get on our clothes. She’s pretty happy with that answer.
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Thank you. Seems so obvious now!
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Reminds me a bit of a joke I got sent last week.
Kid asks his Mum what “couple sex” is. Mum is embarrassed but decides it’s time and goes into a very detailed explanation of the birds and bees. She’s still explaining away when Dad comes in and says ” Oh there you are. Didn’t you get the message that I wanted you to come and help me for a couple of secs!
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Hilarious!,,
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When my nephew was born, my then 4 yr old niece asked how her brother came out. Her step dad told her the truth. Her next logical question was ‘did that hurt mummy?’ Yes.
Walking through a shopping centre with now almost 7 yr old niece we walked past a stand for the charity ‘canteen’. Due to the graffiti writing style of the logo she asked me what it said then asked me what it was for. I said that sometimes people get cancer (to which she responded that people that smoke can get cancer) and sometimes those people are kids and that canteen raises money for kids with cancer. Ofcourse she then asked me if she could get cancer. Before I could respond she said ‘I don’t think I’ll get cancer’ so I left it at that. How do you answer that? Yes, no, maybe? … She later mentioned that she has a canteen at school, but it’s not the same. Ahh the innocence.
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I’d leave that one. No point making them start being concerned that every cough etc is cancer (that’s the way plenty of kids would start thinking).
My kids have good reason to ask me this question and even then I have just told them that if they think of how many kids are in their school and that only a couple have had cancer. That means that in their ‘whole school (emphasis on ‘whole’ making it seem huge) it has only happened a couple of times in lots of years.
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my 7 year old boys have asked the same thing after hearing “sexy and I know it” (or whatever the hell it is called). I told them they play the song at my gym and when they inquired why I let them know it was because people go to the gym to get fit and build nice muscles and some people think that looks really nice and it is good to aspire to being strong and healthy. Sexy is no doubt an appearance based word so I figured I would use it to impress upon them healthy body image. It’s also good to let them know that some things are for adults and are “kinda complicated and you don’t need to know that stuff till you are big men with hair under your arms,” and usually they forget about it before I do. don’t make it into a big deal I guess
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My favourite recent example is when my friend’s son asked me what I meant when I said ‘shocking’. I gave him a reasonable explanation, with a few synonyms and examples. Then he whispered to me, ‘Are you sure kids are allowed to use that word?’ Fair enough, I thought, it does kind of sound like two ‘adult words’ mixed together!
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My little girl heard someone say Abba were sexy …I bottled out and told her that she had misheard and the word was ‘sixty’…now she goes around saying ‘but abba aren’t sixty..’ well they are actually..but I’m not getting into it any further!
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I remember my younger brother asking dad what a condom was when one was mentioned on tv…. Dad answered in a slightly panicked voice ‘condominium, they were talking about condominiums – which are a kind of house’
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Bahahahaha! That would’ve been confusing when he tried to roll a house down on his penis!
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My son surprised me with a question one day!
And I happened to be videoing him at the time…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r5kDpK0_QQ
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Rick L, that was AWESOME! I’m thinking “where on earth would he have heard that?!”.
Oh, of course, an old english nursery rhyme. Why didn’t I think of that?
Very funny
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Very nicely done Rick
And, he is gorgeous.
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I should have also mentioned he was only 3 years old.
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omg my 6 year old also just asked me the same question a few weeks ago and I was at a loss for words. I said it’s something for grown-ups only. Gosh, still trying to figure out a good answer for that so will be watching this thread.
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While everyone is offering advice…..what should I say to my 3 year old who said in her sweetest voice yesterday “Mummy, when are you going to get me my fricken icy-pole?”
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“if you’re old enough to say fricken then you’re old enough to get your own fricken icy pole!”
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Hahaha….love it. Problem with that is she will go and get her own then I’ll never be able to stop her. I like to have control of the icy-poles!
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Hahahaha. Wonder where she’s heard that?
Young kids will always repeat exactly what you say, especially swearing etc.
Maybe you could explain that it’s a grown up, inside home only word that’s a bit rude. Honesty does work for a while.
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That is SO funny! Our four year old got frustrated the other day and said “Oh fuggen hell I am sick of this!” Daddy certainly got an ear bashing that night after he got home and was sent to her room to explain to her why we really shouldn’t use that sort of language when we are frustrated
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I was at a bridal shower and i pretty much only knew the bride and one other friend. Well some lady with her two or three year old daughter kept using the word sexy with her daughter. I was fuming inside but didnt want to spoil the mood, there werent many people there. She kept saying you look sexy, i’m going to get you a sexy new dress for your birthday and this tiny little tot was repeating after her, as kids do! Saying look at me i’m sexy…. i was burnnnnnning inside! Im not usually judgmental but the words stupid and mum were going through my head.
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Aaaaah, doozies. My 5y/o nephew said his mum she ‘looked sexy because she was wearing sexy stockings.’ I asked him what sexy means and he said ‘cool’. I also explained it’s not a word for kids to use.
But what about THIS? The other day, I was babysitting and he wanted to shower with me and when I let him, he asked me to pick him up – I did and then he got an erection and tried to kiss me on the lips!?? I told him, ‘Ok mate, time to put you down and get on with washing yourself.’
His mum and I talked about it and she told him he’s not to kiss on the lips. We left it at that and of course I’ve decided he’s old enough to shower alone.
Any advice, please?
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Little boys get erections quite frequently for a range of different natural reasons, none of which are sexual in nature. He’s 5 for goodness sake! Having 2 small boys myself, I notice that they frequently get erections in the shower and my guess would be that the erection and the kiss are not at all connected. He’s just being a normal, affectionate little boy in wanting to give his babysitter a kiss. The fact that he got an erection at the time is a little… unfortunate (from an adult perspective)! I’m with the mum – start putting up some boundaries but I wouldn’t be alarmed.
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If the situation was a one-off I’d put it in the past and accept that it was an innocent kid not understanding what he was doing was inappropirate. But if there’s ongoing sexualised behaviour I’d be trying to talk to him about where he’s learning these behaviours and getting some advice from a local doctor or psychologist, or even teachers that you may know, about how to best approach the situation.
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He he my 6yo daughter has been saying to her sister “That’s so saxy.” Obviously picked up from school but too cute to correct so we’ve let it go.
Last week however she said to me in exasperation “Mum I’m not a kid anymore.” So the correction is coming!
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We described it as a grown up way of saying “pretty” or “good looking”. So that it was only really appropriate for grown ups to say it, but it wasn’t a naughty word. Just one that only describes grown ups by grownups. So kids are never ‘sexy’.
And because I’m a social worker and never let a good opportunity pass, I then used that to say “and if a grown up ever tells you that you are sexy, and they arent just being silly, and they want you to do anything with yours or their private parts, you can come and tell me straight away”.
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I don’t think it has to be as hard as you think. I mean cars, aeroplanes, whitegoods are labelled as sexy these days. I don’t think that means we want to “get it on” with them!
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The only one I remember asking my mum as a kid was about an orgy!
I wanted to name my big hairy toy monster “Orgy”. I was probably about 7 and my brother who was about 10 laughed and told me a couldn’t call it that and to go tell mum.
Bless her heart, my mum told a crying me that I couldn’t call it orgy. When I asked her what it meant she said “it’s what lots of people do when they love each a lot”.
Bahahahahahah! To this day i still give my mum grief about it.
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I’m SO happy that my 3yr old is only at the “what’s McDonald’s?” age…maybe I’ve got at least another 10 (or maybe 2!) years before I get to these questions……
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I remember when I was about 10 or 11 and my mum was driving my friend and I to a ballet concert and we were singing ‘Like a Virgin’. I still remember my mum’s response – ‘LIKE A WHAT!!??’.
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My 8 year old asked me the same thing the other day. Why? Because a boy in his class told him his mother is sexy! I almost fell off my chair containing my horror and laughter!
Anyway, I told him it’s not a word that children use, but that it means attractive, it’s just not the nicest way of saying it, and it’s definitely not an appropriate word for children to use. Like you Mia, I was caught off-guard, so maybe wasn’t the best explanation, but he seemed satisfied.
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I think you answered this one terrifically.
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My eight year old is obsessed with the words “sexy” and “dick” – words he hears constantly at his all-boys school. He calls me his sexy mama and aside from saying “that’s an adult word and not appropriate for kids”, I just let it go. He gets bored eventually and I’d rather not make a big deal about it.
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Ummm, off the top of my head for a 6yo who knows nothing about sex… sexy means a girl is so pretty that the boys really like her..??
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Which would immediately be followed by “Am I sexy mum?” — how would you answer that???
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My boys (7 and 9 at the time) requested a refresher read of “Where Did I Come From”. We read through it, and at the end I said, “Now, if you have any questions, anything at all, you can ask me any time. OK?”
I saw my 9 year old’s brain wheeling, trying to think of a question which would embarrass me. He said, “Mum, do you like it when Dad puts his penis in your vagina?”
“Yes”, I replied.
Cue look of horror on his face: “I didn’t think you would answer!!!”
Bahahahaha!
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Oh, that’s classic!
We gave that to all our kids. When I had the post read conversation with out youngest, she declared it was gross.
I asked her if she realised that was how she came to be, pointing to her and hubby.
She replied “you’re gross then”.
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That alone was a gem worth sharing. Thank Mia!
Now I can’t wait to hear everyone’s suggestions for an answer – just what I feel MM is about.
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