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This is what Henry Hotdog feels I should wear when I take him to school.
He likes the feathers.
At least two mornings a week, while I stand draped in a towel flicking through clothes in my wardrobe, as if he’s never suggested it before, he’ll say “Why don’t you wear the feathers Mum? I think everyone would REALLY like it.”
Henry feels the feathers should be my “signature” piece on the daily school run. Can’t you just see me on the side of the basketball court? Or maybe sitting in the bleachers at swimming lessons. I could wear it while I loaded the groceries in to the back of the car after I’ve swished around the supermarket on a Tuesday morning.
From the moment Henry could walk, he found his way over to the dress up box and started putting things together. All four of the travelers have been big fans of the dress up box. Everyone, at some stage has donned a tutu. They’ve been Wiggles, cats, princesses, builders, and Masterchefs. Henry’s favourite for a long time was the rainbow fairy dress. I love that dress. I bought it for the first little traveler in Perth at the fairy shop in Freemantle. Watching the fourth little traveler wear it in the snow in Canada six years later, always made me a little melancholy. That dress had been a constant, packed in every suitcase, and when everything else seemed to be changing, the dress was still there.
For roughly two years Henry wore the dress constantly, which seemed to bring two types of reactions from friends and family. People either scooped him up and told him he looked fantastic or tried desperately to look like they were okay with it while they were obviously struggling. I had all sorts of hideous comments from “Do you think he’s gay?” to “Geez, I hope he grows out of it”.
Do you think he’s gay? Is not a cool question for anyone. Not a 5 year old, a 15 year old or a 50 year old, because no matter what, it’s really irrelevant. In a world where we struggle with the sexualization of children. Why would be discussing a child’s sexuality?
Do you think he’s gay? Pollutes a conversation with undertones and stereotypes. Bad stereotypes, old stereotypes.
Do you think he’s gay? Makes me want to ask you if you think your child will be in to nipple rings, ribbed vibrators and fetishes. Do you? Have you thought about your toddler having sex? Or who’ll they’ll have sex with? No? Me neither.
This is not Henry. But he's not alone.
Henry rarely wears a dress anymore. The rainbow fairy dress now lives at the beach house, I watched Henry help one of his cousins put it on when were home last time and my heart melted a little bit. What made me sadder though was he didn’t grow out of it. He was pushed. Not by his own family, but by the stereotypes of others.
“Why’s your brother wearing a dress?” our little visitor asked. The third traveler shrugged it off “that’s what he always wears”. I saw Henry’s face change – in that instant I watched him register what was happening. His cheeks blushed, his eyes dropped to the ground. I did my usual speech about wearing whatever he wanted, that there were no rules, but I knew the damage was done.
When I filled out his introduction form for kindergarten this year he whispered to me at the table “tell them I like robots and cars – I don’t want them to know what I really like”. The words stung. I felt like I’d failed. How could he feel this way? When did this happen? I’d spent so many hours preaching about there being no such thing as girls stuff and boys stuff and why there were no girl’s colours and boy’s colours. ”Mummy, everyone else calls it girl’s stuff, they say ‘Why are you playing with the girl’s stuff’ – that’s what they say”.
He is 5.
No. You don’t grow out of it. You just catch on. You hear the comments and assumptions and you conform because it’s easier.
I haven’t written about this before, mainly because others have and they’ve done it so beautifully that I didn’t want to appear to jumping on the bandwagon. This story is for Henry and for anyone you know that reminds you of Henry. Just let them be. Scoop them up, tell them they look fabulous, give them permission to be whoever they want.
Just don’t assume to know who they’re going to become.
How would you handle the situation?
Comments
150 Comments so far
Drop your son off wearing the dress!!! You are conforming to stereotypes by not doing it! If you won’t wear your fabulous feathery outfit, why would he wear his?
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This discussion has reminded me of how furious I get when I see yet another feature on the front page of (NW/New Idea/one of those) featuring Shiloh (brangelina’s daughter) and her ‘shock’ haircut or ‘shock’ ‘boy clothes’. HOW DID THAT GET ONTO THE FRONT PAGE?!!!! HOW IS THAT EVEN AN ARTICLE?? Really working on NOT buying magazines anymore because of this type of trash.
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My hear goes out to the poor little guy. When I was young, I used to be the same way as a lot of the boys the commenters talk about – loved playing in the dirt with my matchbox cars and Action Man, but give me a dress up box and I’d go for the most fabulous thing in the box. My brother was the same, to the point my mum and grandmother bought him Bratz dolls because he loved his cousins’ ones. I’m gay, he’s straight. Go figure!
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Both my boys wore their sisters tutu and we have some lovely photos. My eldest is 18 and told us he was gay at 15, my youngest is 16 and straight and I can guarantee that the tutu had nothing to do with their sexual orientation
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My Mr 7 is like this. He loves dressing up as anything, Wags the dog, pirate, Galinda from Wicked, Kylie Minogue, baseball player etc. I have always said he can dress in whatever he likes. He no longer wears a Spiderman suit to the grocery store, which made me a bit sad. He loved seeing people smile when they saw him. He loved ballet, but quit 6 months after starting school, “because it’s not for boys”. Until this he loved ballet. He still does ballet steps around the house and I keep asking if he’d like to go back, but he says no. I wish more people would tell their kids they are just colours, not boy colours and girl colours. Activities and toys, not girls and boys activities and toys. I love seeing kids express themselves how they want to, not how they think they are supposed to, or not expressing themselves how they’d like to.
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My now 5 year old still loves to wear dresses. He also loves footy. And sticks. And a million other things. His dad’s favourite photo of our son is a cheeky 3 year old, in high heels and a tiara grinning into the lens. It’s on his desk at work. As his dad is a big bloke, who plays rugby and does million dollar deals for a living, noone seems keen to make cracks about his ‘fairy’ son. Good way to make the point to your kids you love them, not the labels others would apply.
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A dear friend of mine was asked to draw a self-portrait in kinder and drew herself as a butterfly. When she went home crying because the teacher told her she had to draw a person her father (a lovelier, gentler man you would struggle to find) decided he would take her to kinder the following day. Once there he proceeded to inform the teacher that if his daughter saw herself as a butterfly then this was an appropriate self-portrait and that he felt pity for her that not only could she not see the beauty in this, but that the teacher obviously didn’t have the creative capabilities his daughter possessed.
My heart swelled the first time she told me this story.
… BTW, my favourite item of clothing is a lungi (south Indian man-skirt)
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I only have one suggestion…. WEAR THE FEATHERS!!! – wear them proudly and boldly, show him, don’t just tell him xox
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I’m gay, and when i was a little tacker i only had girls for friends. I was never really into to girl’s clothes but the fact that i had three close girlfriends all through primary school was clearly bothersome to many people.
I can remember the feeling if shame when people… other students, teachers and once or twice, my mum asked me ‘Why don’t you have any boys for friends’… I know it wasn’t meant maliciously but the inference was very clear, even to me at the young age.
I then had to pretend to enjoy hanging out with boys, I invited some around to my place and we went bowling, the funny thing is the boys weren’t fooled, they liked me enough and we had a good time but i distinctly remember one asking me why i hadn’t just invited my good friends as i’d probably have had a much better time.
he was dead right. I’m still best mates with a girl i met at 4 year-old Kinder, going strong after about 24 years.
I think it’s important for people to know that kids get it. They get the shame, even if you’re not intending to give it to them.
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When he was three til about five my little brother used to wear a sequined skirt and purple wig. HE looked birlliant dnacing to the wiggles. He also used to be in a dance group, the only boy. However when he was about 10-11 he stopped. He told mum it was because he didn’t like it but I’ve seen him on the dance floor. He does like a bit of dancing. I think the “conformity” got to him.
I’d much rather see him happy than ‘like every one else’.
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I don’t have the issue of “female dress up” with my son because he’s always either dressed as mario or link.Or a knight , or a pirate, or a vampire. Still, he has no concept of “appropriate”, especially not “age appropriate”, he’s 10 and if he was allowed to, he’d go dressed as a knight to school, because “it’s awesome”.
There still are people who ask me if I think he’s gay, though. Because he has only female friends (the fact that one of them actually is HIS GIRLFRIEND who unashamedly screams she loves him in the schoolyard doesn’t seem to be taken into account), bcause he’s kind to girls and doesn’t bully anyone, because he acts like a gentleman (“girls go first, it’s the rule of stairs and doors” (lol) ) and because he’s sensitive and emotional.
I love him the way he is, it sucks that he’s a bit fragile because he gets hurt so easily, and I don’t want him to be hurt, but he’s slowly learning some defenses. Thank god.
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So just to be clear – you are ALL ABSOLUTELY NOT FREAKED OUT, Nooooo sirreee, it’s NORMAL for boys to wear FAIRY STUFF, NOT GAY NOT GAY huff huff puff puff!!!
But seriously , if it were such a non-issue, would you even bother posting?
Admit it.
You’re anxious.
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Didn’t sound anxious to me! she sounded sad that her little boy was shamed into conforming…
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I think you’ve missed the entire point of the story. This is a post about the judgment of children. And how quickly we all want to label kids. Why would Kirsty be anxious about the possibility of her son being gay? What’s wrong with someone being gay? I have loads of gay friends … and not one of them has two heads.
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This morning my Mr 3 – who also loves his pink fairy dress – looked out at the sunrise on the clouds and shouted “Mummy, look at all the golden stuff! Its so amazing!”
That was nothing but joy and love and a wonderful way to begin the day.
I’m so sorry for you that your day is filled with such grumpiness and hate. It must be very tiring. I hope you feel better soon.
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I have the most awesome gay brother. And I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Nothing wrong with being gay. But you know what is wrong? Asking questions about a child’s sexuality and questions like ‘Do you think he might be gay?’ with the insinuation that being gay is horrible. Because do you know what? That doesn’t do much to help the self-esteem of a child who might later struggle with their sexuality. And when parents are making comments like this, it doesn’t do much to stop their own children from thinking there’s something wrong with being gay.
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I think everyone else answered this one adequately (thank you Clarinette, Bec and Bowerbird and Amy).
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I have a large extended family and consider all of the younger cousins to be more like little brothers and sisters (or, as the age gap widens, nieces and nephews).
I had two of the girls at my house recently for a crafternoon. We were making necklaces and talking about the things we like. The youngest (6) said that she liked playing soccer. The eldest (8) said ‘that’s because she’s butch’.
I was horrified, and it broke my heart. I told her that if she said that again there would be no more crafternoons and tried to explain why it was such an awful thing to say. Unfortunately I don’t think I handled it very well, I was just shocked that an 8 year old would say that.
After we’d done with the crafts we all went to the park for a nice long game of soccer. It was the only thing I could think of to do to encourage her after what must have been a hurtful moment.
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I love that you decided to talk to her about why it was not a nice thing to say. It’s probably something she’s heard somewhere and doesn’t really know what it means, and I love that you decided that’s not ok and let her know.
And I love that you hold crafternoons! Possibly the best word I’ve heard all week.
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Ha! I love crafternoon. Its amazing how quiet the kids can be when they’re concentrating.
I mainly like it because it means we can talk while we’re doing stuff.
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my husband is one of those men who wonders if his 4 year old is gay. it doesn’t bother me as it is out of curiosity more so then judgement. He might or might not be and by at least contemplating it and seeing a future that is not necessarily white picket fence, mum, dad and two kids is ok.
we all wonder about our kids futures and who their little personalities will blossom and grow.
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Memories of one of my sons (now 20) have come flooding back while reading these posts. Before he was school-age, his older sister and I would help him to paint his nails and tie his hair up in bands. He was always nicking my shoes or in my bathroom trying out lipsticks. He would have loved a pink tutu for sure. He was so cute.
He’s now 6’4″ tall, built like a mallee bull and a rabid footy player with a beautiful, tomboyish girlfriend who is just so lovely to have in our family… and he is still cute
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Thank you I love this. My little boy is deeply in love with a rainbow fairy dress also, as well as a old cream satin flowergirl dress and some pink sequined shoes. We also loves drawing, playing with toy trains and motorbikes, riding his scooter, slippery slides and reading about crocodiles. But all anyone see’s when he’s dressed up is his ‘inappropriate’ choice of clothing. Seriously though what 2 year old wouldn’t prefer some mad awesome bright colours and sparkles over the drab boring stuff society wants to see our little guys in. It breaks my heart when people make a big deal out of it. Ironically no one makes as bigger deal out of my daughters dinosaur top, spider socks or green and black jobbers all of which she picked out from the ‘boy’s’ section
http://emilysnewtheory.blogspot.com/
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Thanks Emily, I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about no-one making a big deal out of girls dressing in boys clothes, playing with cars and having boys names (I have one and everyone says that it’s beautiful and makes me sound ‘strong’, whereas if I called my son a girl’s name he would be teased for the rest of his life). I’m not sure if I should say this but I sometimes have secret daydreams about my son being gay as I think gay men are (generally) more caring of other people, and their mothers! How selfish of me
But seriously, there are definitely positives for every sexuality (why are we even talking about this?) and I know many straight and gay men who are wonderful and caring (my husband included- and before we got together he was often labelled as ‘gay’, because he was respectful and kind). I suppose it’s about how they’re raised, and I hope I create a wonderful young man who doesn’t care about labels.
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A friend of mine has a nephew like Henry. When he went into his cousin’s room, filled with pink & My Little Pony, he did a big sigh and said “I LOVE this room”. When he was at the shops in his necklaces, a woman said to him “You look like a girl!” he replied “Well, when I was in mummy’s tummy I asked to be a girl. But I’m not. I’m a boy.” completely matter of fact.
He inspires me.
It can work, Henry can get the confidence to be different. Please don’t give up. I agree with the others – wear the dress on the school run. Prove to Henry it’s OK to be who you are. Because who you are is perfect.
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It seems like it’s much more common for boys to be shunned for doing girly things, than it is for girls to be shunned doing boyish things. I can think of many examples when I’ve seen parents not allow their boys to do things like play with a kitchen set at playgroup (the boy was only 2), or borrow fairy books from the library (I felt really sorry for this boy, he wanted to read the books so badly, but he wasn’t allowd “because they’re for girls” .. what a terrible way to encouage reading)… But on the whole I can’t really think of similar things happening to any girls that I’ve seen – in fact, it’s almost the opposite. When I see girls doing boyish things – for example play soccer – it’s encouraged. People are pleased. If a girl wanted to borrow a book about pirates from the library, nobody would worry.
I wonder if it’s because masculine traits are more highly valued in our society than feminine.
And on the gay issue – I think it’s terribly important that as parents we get our heads on straight and think deeply about what we want for our kids. Most of us would agree that it’s something like living a full, happy, healthy life, with lots of love, passion and wonderful adventures. Whether our kids are gay or straight doesn’t matter, but being gay and being terrified of how your parents might react (because you’ve witnessed their homophobia your entire life) is going to make life much, much harder.
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It’s like Madonna said: “Girls can wear jeans, cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots. Because it’s OK to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly you’d love to know what it’s like, wouldn’t you? What it feels like for a girl.”
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That was me… I don’t know why I’m coming up as Anon.
T.
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“I wonder if it’s because masculine traits are more highly valued in our society than feminine.”
This!
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This has brought tears to my eyes because I am so worried for my beautiful little boy. He is four and off to pre-school next year and I want so much to protect him from the world and all its prejudices and judgments. His favourite colour is pink, he loves necklaces and headbands, and wants to be a mummy when he grows up. He also loves cars and trucks and bugs – and has no concept of clean or dirty, just fun.
I think he is a sweet, lovely, fairly typical little boy, and so far have shielded him from other people’s issues regarding gender and sexuality. But, we already know one little boy who will be at pre-school with him next year, and at a BBQ I heard that boy’s father telling him to ‘stop acting like a girl’ because he cried when he fell over. It made me wonder, how long until that little boy says the same thing to my son? And what will I do when he does?
My son is a just an absolute wonder to me – he defies all the expectations I ever had about having children, and constantly amazes me with his creativity, generousity and thoughtfulness. I wish that our society could celebrate those attributes, instead judging kids by the colour clothes they wear, or what they like to play with.
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Kellys….your son sounds magnificent. Hugs to you both.
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Henry’s comment about what to write on his kindy form broke my heart-I cannot even imagine how you must have felt. What a onderful little boy you have. It is sad tat ‘the world’ has to get to them…
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I agree completely. I don’t have kids so can’t really put myself in the situation but this was so beautifully written it brought tears to my eyes. Henry sounds like a wonderful, fun and sensitive boy – he must be a joy to know.
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I was at a nice dinner party a few months ago. Parents and kids and me (I’m 19). There were a pair of twins (boy/girl) and a brother and sister and another boy. All between the ages of 4 and 9. So, we’re having dinner, the kids come bouncing into the room, and one of the boys is wearing a pink cowboy hat belonging to one of the girls. His father then scolds him saying: “Take that hat off, you poof”. The father’s colleague then joked “Your kid’s a fag.” and the kids left the room to play somewhere else. I felt sorry for the kid. Just let kids play. I used to dress my Barbie up in Action Man clothing and go to my brother’s room to play with her. It was so fun.
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Your very honest comment has made me so glad I wrote this post. I can’t imagine the effects of those words on a child and the damage it does. *sigh* we have such a long way to go don’t we.
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We do, unfortunately. If such language was used in my home with no reaction from either of their wifes/partners as was the case in this situation, then they would not be invited to my home again.
When I was in Year 6 going into Year 7 so about seven or eight years ago I remember a term going around school or the time. It was “non-sexual way” sometimes said as “N-S-W”. My issue with it was that 90% of the time it was said it was girls saying it to girls or guys saying it to guys. I thought back to it and I was like, as a society, are we that afraid of perceived homoeroticism? That even casual things like saying you love your group of friends must end with an affirmation of heterosexuality or platonic intent? I feel like non-sexual way was around in the lexicon way before ‘No Homo’ entered the American and Australian lexicons but i could be wrong. It was so stupid. Luckily it disappeared after about a year. Every generation has their own little terms that develop and that was an unfortunate one my generation had for a while.
With regard to gender stereotypes, I love this quote by actress Ellen Page.
“As a girl, you’re supposed to love Sleeping Beauty. I mean who wants to love Sleeping Beauty when you can be Aladdin?”
My girlfriend is the girliest of girly girls and would certainly disagree with Ellen. But she, like I, was given the choice to gravitate towards whatever toys, colours, clothes etc. she wanted. She just happened to gravitate towards traditionally feminine things. Sometimes she looks at me like I must think she is immature because she loves soft toys and cute things but I find it so endearing. When I told her the other day about the things I used to like as a kid like velvet dresses in women’s clothing stores (I loved touching velvet) she replied “Yes, but you said when you were younger… ” And I just wanted to kiss her in that moment XD
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That makes me SO angry!
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This makes me SO mad. Kids should be able to play with what they like, without labels.
When the toy catalogues came out in July I was so incensed by the gender labelling that I started an online petition.
http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/toychoice
Reproductive organs have no impact on what kinds of things kids like. I’ve heard many little girls say they like dolls because the have never been given anything else to play with. The fact that toy catalogues are labelling pages of pink toys as “Girls’ toys” does nothing but reinforce outdated stereotypes, and this has a negative effect on boys who like “girls’ toys” and similarly, girls who like “boys’ toys”.
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I couldn’t agree more – when you have to go to the “girls” section you’re already off to a bad start.
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Kirsty
Why don’t you wear the dress on the school run? Ok, i know you’ll look a bit nuts (but also fabulous) but not only will you probably put the biggest smile on Henry’s face, you’ll also show him that you don’t have to conform. You can wear a feather dress while everyone else is in jeans. You can be different. And if anyone asks why you so dressed up, just tell them you only made it home from the party in time to do the school run.
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I love the idea of just getting home from the party in time! I’ll make sure I post some pics of the feather school run.
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If someone came to pick-up at our school dressed like that, I’d only be thinking how insanely jealous I was, especially if they then mentioned a party! Do it!
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My son is the youngest with three older sisters, he used to have his nails painted regularly, and was so in love with his sisters ‘baby born’ doll. He would spend hours dressing her, changing her nappy, feeding her, swapping outfits and he really loved changing her shoes. Once when he was about 4, the girls dressed him as a girl and dared him to go into the shops, he did it.
it all ended one afternoon when we had gone visiting. The friends child asked my son why he had his nails painted – albiet green – he didn’t know how to respond. She said, only girls do that, and he hid his hands all afternoon and asked for polish remover as soon as we were home. It never happened again…
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You are so right when you say that others will judge and feel the need to comment on someone else’s behaviour. I deal with the same issue every day with one or other of my girls. It’s not tutus but other clothes, a way of speaking, a different haircut…. the list goes on. I too tell my girls to be who they are regardless of what others think but I think the innate need to fit in and not stand out trumps all. I can see my girls changing in front of my eyes due to peer pressure and it is heart-breaking. I guess the only thing that we can do as parents is to love them unconditionally so they have somewhere safe to be themselves.
I love it that Henry likes to wear tutus but my heart hurts that he now thinks it needs to be a secret. Good luck xo
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This is what scares me about Squiggle growing up – that people will tell him what he can and can’t do, be, say, think, want, need, like, love, etc.
In fact – I think it’s the double standard that gets my goat more than anything else… My sister and I owned HUNDREDS of matchbox cars, robots, toy-guns, model aeroplanes, lego, etc. No one would have DARED say “Do you think they’ll be lesbians?” to our parents.
In our family, there were 8 cousins, all of whom were raised as if we were siblings. Of the 8 of us, there was only one boy. He didn’t have a choice regarding playing dress-ups, barbie, house, etc. But that was okay apparently – because we were “forcing him”. When you’re one boy against 7 girls – you do as you’re told!
In reality, we weren’t. We were just as happy to play lego (I still maintain I can build a better house than anyone) or trucks or cars. But HE was happy to play with Barbies and dress-ups… We were his alibi, his excuse. We didn’t mind. We favoured him – being the only boy. We thought it was great that he wanted to play with the girls.
Looking back now I can’t help but sigh. He’s not gay. He’s not “girly” or “soft”. But had it not been for us being his excuse, his alibi, he would have been accused of “becoming gay” or “soft”.
Although – heaven help the person who dares to pass judgement on anything my son does or does not do…. I’ll wipe the floor with ‘em!
http://thefridgedoorblog.com
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This story made me tear up…..I feel so sorry for Henry that he has already caught on to how he is SUPPOSED to be instead of how he WANTS to be. I hope one day he can feel free enough to wear wjhat ever he pleases & not let the thoughts of others make him choose……..
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I’m with you on just letting people wear what they want. There is so much rigidity about what’s appropriate for both sexes and I think it’s nuts. In general I try and not comment about what kids are wearing. I have noticed people (including myself) making a fuss of little girls’ dresses, jewellery etc. As a mother of boys I noticed that almost no one ever remarks on what they wear. People talk to my boys about what they are doing…and I so prefer this. I happily tell the boys and girls around me regularly how fab I think they are….but now I leave their outfits of it.
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I posted below about my version – but another post prompted me to think about how some boys NEVER grow out of this fun behaviour!
Now it MAY just be a country thing, but when I was running amok at B&S balls back 10-15 years ago, there were always blokes who would go out and buy a dress for the recovery day the next day. They’d go to opp shops before ball, choose their dress, then rock up to the recovery or the pub the next day in a dress. It was their ‘thing’ to do the next day. And I’m not sure that there can be a more stereotypical hetrosexual gathering of people than at a country B&S ball … and no one gave two hoots except for looking out for what colour dress they were wearing and commenting on whether it was more flattering than the previous effort!
And there’s always one grown up adult male in a group when a dress-up party invitation comes who dons a dress faster than you can say ‘what are you going as?’
I pondered it for a moment before typing this wondering if it had faded out in recent years, but I attended Australia’s biggest ute muster recently, with 15,000 people and there was a bloke wandering around wearing a lovely green taffeta number, boots on, hat on, rum can in hand … perfectly happy.
Having read all the comments I’m wondering if dressing up in a dress is just a ‘boy thing’ to do??
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Kirsty- you mean Fremantle. Only one ‘e’
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Oh dear – blushing.
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Don’t feel bad!
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My husband is a Psychiatrist and says that there is quite a common theme amongst heterosexual adult males who cross dress or are transvestites in that they generally had parents who forbid them or told them off for dressing in or playing with anything “girly” as a child. They were never allowed to indulge in dress ups, or playing with dolls and were absolutely not allowed to try on mum’s make-up or jewellery or dresses. He says that it is quite common and, more importantly, NORMAL for boys to have an interest or fascination with dolls or dresses or makeup at some point and the writer is quite right, it is society that tells them it is wrong or frowned upon and beats it out of them. But really, we just need to love them and let them be what they want to be and if they want to dress in tutu’s or play with dolls or do “girly” things, let them!
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For some reason this article made me really sad.
Really sad that Henry at five already has to pretend to be something he isn’t just to fit in and be ‘normal’. When I was younger, there were three brothers about my age that lived down the road. I used to bush bash with them and play with swords and plastic guns. I never remember hearing any negative words from adults, which now I look back, was quite a blessing. I’m not super girly now, but I wear makeup everyday and often wear skirts and dresses. AKA being a tomboy as a child was TOTALLY fine, just as little boys wearing dresses is TOTALLY fine.
This article also reminded me of all the snippy media commentary on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolies little girl Shiloh.
Apparently mainstream media found it particularly strange that a little girl preferred wearing pants, having a short haircut & playing with toy soldiers. Angelina came out and said if her children are happy, then she is too which I think is a great message. They are obviously letting them make their own choices about clothing and not dictating to their children what is the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ clothes to wear if you are a boy or a girl.
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Oh I know I feel awful for Shiloh as well. In particular after I read this charmer of an opening line in an article on ninemsn the other day:
‘That’s right folks, you can all stop calling Shiloh Jolie-Pitt a lesbian now, because she’s got a boyfriend’ http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=942579&showcomments=true
A lesbian? She’s 5.
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No? They didn’t…. the media really have a lot to answer for when they post articles like that. You’re right… really ‘charming.
Jerks.
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And – a boyfriend? She’s 5.
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The people who have said that they would let their children wear a dress at home but not in public make me sad. I know that you are just trying to protect your child (aren’t we all?) but isn’t that almost the same as saying to your child, ‘well, you can play with the black/asian/disabled child at home but not where people can see you because then they will give you a hard time’? Someone below mentioned my favourite blog Pigtail Pals, and I will add 7wonderliscious to that as two sites that are trying to break the gender stereotyping. They are aimed at girls though, my boy is only 14 weeks so I’m not yet au fait with the boy equivalent.
My heart breaks for little Henry. May he find himself and the confidence to be himself, not matter WHAT it looks like!
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I have a 6 year old daughter and 4 and 2 year old sons. I think most of the time they probably fall into typical gender stereotypes. Sometimes the 3 of them will build a tower as tall as they so that they can smash it down with cars or the 3 of them will put on a ballet show in tiaras and fairy dresses. My 2 year old son’s favourite colour is pink. My daughter had lots of pink stuff and my oldest son had lots of blue stuff. Through the years most of the blue stuff has been destroyed and lost which means that my youngest son has received all the pink ‘hand me downs’. He will only eat dinner with his pink fork and he screamed murder when I took him to the park to play with his brothers blue scooter. He claims his sisters pink scooter for his own when she’s at school. We do get a lot of funny looks when he always asks for pink. It’s just a colour people!
One thing I can’t help wondering, and I’m not meaning this as a dig. I read a lot of articles about this type of thing where parents are very open minded about smashing stereotypes and letting their boys wear fairy dresses. The thing is it seems it’s only ever under the banner of ‘dressing up’. It’s okay because it’s only out of the ‘dress up’ and ‘pretend’ box. He was ‘dresssing up’ for costume day. It’s never about buying a real dress as an actual outfit. The stereotyping is still coming from the parents and not just the outside big bad world. I’m not sure if I’m making my point properly here?
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My auntie was a bit horrified when I bought pink fairy wings for my son for Xmas last year. But I bought them anyway – it’s what he wanted and he loves them
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I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment that bullying starts at home. I have three young boys and am at pains to teach them respect for one another and their differences. My middle son, now 10, also enjoyed dress ups and he still emjoys role play. I’ve heard it says this copying shows a degree of insight and empahty not normally so developed in the very young. So take comfort. He also loves music, singing and is fond of dancing when he hears a good beat. He also loves soccer and the great outdoors. Does this mean he’ll be gay or a he-man? Do I care? No, as long as he’s a good and caring person with respect for himself and others. My only brother happens to be gay, is in a stable long term relationship and is one of the most generous hearted people I know. So if my son is gay, he’ll have a great role model and if he’s not, I hope as he gets older he wont’ be one of the mindless anti-homosexual types that many “real” men feel they must be.
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If one thing really stands out from reading the responses below, it’s that it’s very common and very NORMAL for little boys to want to dress up!
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Exactly. I’m always a bit taken aback when people praise (for want of a better word) me for ‘letting’ my son wear his pink fairy dress. It implies that its a bit unusual or different, and it just isn’t!
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I have a photo of my son, 2 years old at the time, wearing his older sister’s hula skirt & a pink wig. I think it is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I wanted to share with my family & friends so uploaded a pic on FB. I had mixed reactions, with many people telling me I should remove it. Wow! It was only a year ago & although he still plays with his sisters barbies he will now tell me “pink is for girls”. He has heard this too often – from adults! My son is only 3.5 years old. What is with that?
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I have 3 little boys (the eldest just turned 3) and already I see the pressure for them to be ‘blokey’ as opposed to ‘girly’…. makes me sad and sometimes angry. My mum always tried to make sure my brother, sister and I were brought up without too much gender stereotyping…. all 3 of us had trucks, dolls, my little ponies etc I am trying to do the same with my boys but it is hard when this is undermined by others so frequently.
When my eldest was 1 1/2 he was playing with his little friends and they all started cuddling and kissing each other. It was adorable!!……. until one of the other mums freaked out and told her son that he should “only kiss the girls” and that his Dad “would kill him” if he caught him kissing boys. Broke my heart.
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I know a man who loved dressups when he was little. He didn’t conform to the usual little boy cars and robots stereotype. His favorite toy was a cabbage patch doll and he loved his stroller and wearing high heels and handbags. As he got older he was the guy with lots of girl friends and got incessantly teased for being “gay”. This was pretty tough in a household with 2 brothers and a beer mate footymate dad. But he was resilient and grew up to be the most thoughtful caring person I’ve ever met and I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.
It’s a shame these stereotypes are placed on children. Let them be kids, and theyll find their way. As long as they’re provided with a safe and nurturing home environment, they’ll be who they’re meant to.
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I loved this post when I read it on Kirsty’s blog and I loved reading it again now. I even sent it to my husband to read. Because we have a Henry Hotdogs too. Ours isn’t into tutus, but is very into fashion, music, dance and anything creative. He knows every word to the Mary Poppins soundtrack and loves helping me choose my outfits, particularly stage costumes (it’s always about the sequins!)
His passion for dressing up and putting on concerts has always been encouraged by family, friends and kindy teachers. In fact his whole kindy class played weddings for weeks after the Royal Wedding! But when it was time for him to start school this year I was terrified that it would be the end of his freedom to be who is is, free of judgment. I imagined one cruel remark from an older boy about dancing and music being ‘girls stuff’ and he would repress himself forever.
However, I have been thrilled to find that there has been nothing of the sort. He has not only found a group of girlfriends, of all ages, who share his love of the creative pursuits, but he has remained the same innocent, wide eyed boy that he always was.
The school recently had a ‘casual day’ where he decided he would wear his three piece suit and tie, with fedora hat. I gently tried to point that all the other kids would probably wear jeans and t-shirts but he could not be swayed. So as we walked in, holding hands, I silently prayed that no one would say anything mean, that the day would go without incident and he would come home as proud of his outfit as when he left. And he did.
And a few weeks later, when he performed a dance routine (complete with sequined scarf) at the school talent quest I thought my heart would burst when the whole school cheered him on. This is the world I want for our Henry’s, so they can stay true to themselves and do what makes their hearts sing.
Things are changing, slowly. And the more we allow our Henry’s to be who they are the less they will feel like they have to put their tutus away. So thanks for writing your beautiful post Kirsty and for reminding everyone of that. Xxx
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That is such a sweet story Amity, I would have loved to see your little man in his casual day outfit. Sounds like he’s got real style!
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Thanks Amity – your story about the dance routine just brought tears to my eyes. “do what makes their hearts sing” – I think thats all any parent wants for a child.
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My son is 2.5yo and he has 2 older sisters… As such he makes cakes in the play kitchen, has a favourite tinkerbell dress and he lines up to have his nails painted and to play hairdressers. It’s not gender it’s what’s available to play with. Maybe he wouldn’t have had so much access to more stereotypically girl toys had he had brothers but I’m glad, I think my boy will grow up with a soft nurturing side an a gentle understanding if women, that’s what I hope for him anyway. His sexual orientation is not even in my head and is irrelevant.
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Kid’s aren’t going to think twice about a boy in a tutu unless their parents have taught them otherwise. Bullying starts at home.
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I haven’t had to deal with this personally as my boys are real typical “robots and cars” boys, but I have wondered how I would, and I think my answer is this -
Sure, I would let him play with what he likes and dress how he likes in the security of my own home and perhaps immediate friends and family, but I don’t think I’d let him dress up like this out and about in the general public. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it – simply “these are home play clothes” vs “these are going out clothes”.
Social expectations are what they are and people are harsh and rude. Although it may be cool to challenge the norm and make people confront their prejudices, a 5 year old is a very soft and tender little target who will soon be hurt and made to feel embarrassed or ashamed as poor little Henry was.
I’m not having a crack at you at all though, Kylie – just adding my thoughts to the conversation. I’ve really enjoyed your articles in the past and it sounds like you have a beautiful family!
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Poor kid! But on the plus side, encourage that love of fabrics and textures (and encourage him to learn to sew) and he’ll probably make a wonderful designer one day.
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I just love the story.
We all wonder what’s wong with the world, and why children are bullied etc. But as adults we can be guilty of doing the same. As someone below mentioned, we have all been guilty of questioning what someone is wearing and probably saying out loud “what were they thinking” but we need to realise that by doing this we are teaching our children that it’s ok to do this too. And it’s not.
Henry should be free to wear whatever he wants to and at 5 years old should not feel the need to try & fit in.
I am the youngest Of 4 children, I am the only girl. I grew up as a tomboy, my brothers influenced my taste in music and where I got my love of sport. For me I think it was the best thing for me, in high school I was the only girl who knew anything about cricket and the boys loved it! I will be encouraging my daughter to be kind to other people no matter what, I will so encourage whatever interests her. As for Henry, let’s hope he does not lose his fantastic taste in clothes : )
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When I was younger all i did was play typicaly “boy” toys, I had fun and thing that I have grown up to be a pretty well rounded person. I am also a lesbian and did not come out until my late 20′s, i do remember when i was younger relatives or friends of my parents asking why i was paying with motorbikes and not barbie’s. My parents always tried to make me play with girl toys, so I would just go next door and play with the boys next door instead.
I do think that if I had a mum like you when I was growing up. i may have found it easier to accept the person I was and live the life I was meant to at an earlier age. I alos don’t agree with those who ask parents if they think their kids are Gay at a very young age, but your response and reaction to it is the best thing for your son and hopefully when he gets older he will have the full knowledge that he can be whoever he is, whether it be Gay or straight and that it does not matter. All love is equal.
If every parent was accepting like you, in fact all of society then we would live happily knowing that the future generation would grow up to be happy and eccepting of all.
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I used to teach children singing, dancing and acting. I had little boys in dresses and all kinds of things one time a mother said to me “He just loves you” to which i replied ” Thats sweet he is a delight to teach” she said ” No you don’t understand he wants to make you a skirt”. I’m not sure what that means but it was clear that he was a creative child. I cannot understand why it seems to matter. My BIL won’t let my nephew play with his twin sisters girly stuff freaks me out.
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My son, when he was 3, wore a fairy outfit to pre-school for dress-up day. The sadiest part was it wasn’t the kids that judged him, it was the adults. To this day one mum still talks about this day (he’s now 11), She still can’t understand how I could let him wear the fairy outfit in public. He was happy and that’s all I care about
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Beautiful story. I love Henry already, without even knowing him!
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When my son broke his leg recently he got to choose the colour of his plaster.
“All the colours are up there” the nurse said, “white, blue, purple and pink”.
My 3.5 yr old chose blue but once they’d started he changed his mind and said “no I want pink!”
The nurses response… “Pink is for girls” which my mum readily agreed.
I calmly said to Mst 3.5 “You can have pink if you want” while looking directly at the nurse & my mum.
It of course couldn’t be changed because they had all the blue plaster out but next time… Pink it is!
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my daughter (5) tried to tell my son (3) that pink was for girls the other evening – they were colouring something from memory.
I told her that pink was a colour and was not only for girls to use.Then I asked her how the boy that designed her pink dress would do so if he couldn’t use the pink pencils when drawing? (Her dress may have been designed by a female – not sure it’s only from Target but figured that didn’t matter so much.)
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