Imagine listening to your own child talk about not liking their own body or being worried about what they eat. Now imagine that child is 10 years old.
Mamamia reader Elaine* writes:
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Recently I took my daughter and her four close friends for a birthday treat to a local milkshake bar. While sitting at a nearby table as dictated to me by Miss-Soon-To-Be-11 I happened to listen into a snippet of their conversation and was so upset by what I heard.
The five girls, who are mainly 10, were eating their cakes and discussing how fattening and bad for them what they were eating was. Miss Dancer commented that she really shouldn’t be eating this because she had to fit into teeny tiny dance shorts and now she probably wouldn’t be able to, Miss Skinny Minny informed them all that it was going straight to their hips and they were all going to be huge and so it went on.
I was dumbfounded, not one of those girls is overweight they are all slender and beautiful, a couple even skinny skinny. Yet instead of talking about anything else and just enjoying what they were eating, they were consumed by how fattening their food was.
My daughter is beautiful, tall and slender, everyone comments to me how gorgeous she is and how great her figure is yet she is constantly worried about being fat and how fat she looks in outfits. Where she should stand tall and proud she stands slightly hunched with her arms covering her “fat stomach”. This is a child who is constantly getting compliments, gets picked to be photographed for school events etc but it makes not one bit of difference to her self esteem.
Is it my constant exercise and dieting that has influenced this in her or is it the media? But if it’s my influence how does that explain the five other girls having the same thought process? What happened to kids being happy, confident and totally without inhibitions and if it’s like this now what will it be like when these girls hit 15 and 16.
Any advice for Elaine?
Comments
128 Comments so far
Dear all: Ladies please participate in my study on eating behaviours & disordered eating. You must be 18 years and over. Research is for a great cause!
http://opinio.online.swin.edu.au/s?s=12733
If you think you know anyone else who may be interested please pass the above link on. The survey is brief and all done online and you may just find it a bit interesting! Many thanks
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I’m 15 and I felt the same way it sounds like she is feeling when I was her age. I know this is not what you want to hear, but take her to therapy because it will only get worse. I’m struggling with an eating disorder now and I don’t want ANY other person to have to go through anything like that. Just get her the help she needs even if she doesn’t want it. I wish I didn’t think like that when I was younger. And not having a such strict diet will help too.
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I have to admit that I was 8 when I started to think that I was fat, however I never really spoke about it as no one in my family did
it wasnt till I went on exchange at 17 and saw there was so much more in the world that I was able to begin to overcome my body issues, but even then it took me a good 2 more years, in which I became a fitness trainer that I was truly able to accept my body. these days I look at what my body is capable of from all the training I have done through the years when I start to criticise myself, and i’m alot more comfortable with my body, thankfully!
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I am very interested in stories like the one from Elaine. I would love to hear back from Elaine or anyone who has a daughter like the one Elaine has. Please write back to me at the email address below.
Many thanks.
Mimi
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I was unfortunately anorexic when my children were very small, due to pnd. It was nothing new, I suffered from it at various stages of my life. My daughter was eating very little when she started developing, and I handled it in this way. I showed her photos of me then and now, and asked her who was more beautiful, guess what she chose! It took a few months, but she is now eating well, and yes, I watch to make sure she is not purging. She has always been a healthy weight, but it needed to be nipped in the bud. I was a late bloomer, and didn’t get my figure until I was about 18 , I wonder if the young ones went through what I did at an older age, too many changes in your body image at once? I’m now a size 12, and people say I am thin
LOL compaRed to a size six??? Which is what I was,
And looked incredibly ill. Might sound silly, but celebrate my beautiful daughters curves with nice underwear, seemed to work for us
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i just love to tell a fine dressed lady your so preety bb
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yep. I mean who are they hearing this from? Their mums! And yes lots of other places but if they hear it from home as well what hope do they have? p.s i’m going to sound all of my 40 years here but what on earth are 10 year olds doing at coffee shops? Netball anyone? As to is it your constant dieting that influences her, well, I think you’ve answered your own question there.
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Erhm, “coffee shop”? The author took them to a milkshake bar for a birthday treat. Nothing wrong with that, and who said they don’t play sport or otherwise?
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Maybe you and others shouldn’t spend so much time telling your daughter and her friends they have ‘great figure’, are ‘tall and slender’ and instead of giving these young girls compliments about her looks, tell them they’re ‘intelligent’ or ‘resilient’. Perhaps these children are worried that these ‘compliments’ equate to their self worth? There are numerous research articles about young girls developing negative feelings about their bodies because from a young age adults focus compliments around looks rather than personality. You’re worried about her self image and yet you’ve written a whole piece saying how beautiful and skinny your daughter is. Mixed message perhaps?
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Wow – so well said. There is a great book called “Mindset” by Carol Dweck which focuses on language use and the messages it sends and reinforces…..your opinion is well-supported by research.
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A while ago on MM there was a review of a book about celebrities writing letters to their teenage selves. One piece of advice from it was from Gillian Anderson, and she said something like “if you want to improve your self esteem, then do esteemable things”, which i thought was excellent advice. Maybe you could try to get your daughter involved in activities that are based on helping others? Fundraising for charities, helping out with local landcare, making batches of food to donate to homeless shelters.. Might help to realign her sense of perspective, and take her mind off her body, as well as make her feel good about helping others. All the best.
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SUCH a good idea! And what a great little piece of advice.
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I think it has a lot to do with girls of this age trying to grow into women, trying to have ‘adult’ conversations. Talking about diet and body image is a HUGE proportion of adult women’s discourse that young girls learn from the media, from adult friends/family, or from just being out in public hearing conversations.
Everyone remembers the joy of eating ice-cream and sweets as a child. The girls are probably trying to move away from what they think is ‘childishness’.
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Society has become obsessed with weight and size rather then health. Just because you’re a size 16, doesn’t mean you’re obese, unhealthy ect. Just because you’re a size 6, doesn’t mean you’re healthy.
By having a good diet, the sometimes and always foods, and getting some exercise it is much more likely to make you healthy.
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I think it’s important to focus on health rather than size. You can’t control what others compliment your daughters with but if you do find yourself saying something about size, maybe change it to “you look so healthy” or something like that.
Body image and self esteem are such complex issues and unfortunately there isn’t a one size fits all approach to it.
Good luck with your daughter Elaine!
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Wow, this is really hard stuff to read! So many people out there feeling such pain, and /or inflicting it on others.
I suffered with various EDs from the age of 14, right through to about 30. I look back now and think what a waste of my time and energy. I had support, and had professional help, but still was compelled to cultivate really poor body image. My take on the whole situation is that EDs are generally a reluctance of growing up and taking resposibility for yourself.
In younger kids I think it is the opposite – I think they are projecting what they think parents/society see as ideal.
Dicussing EDs in an open and frank manner is the most healthy and potentially healing approach. When we dramatise or hide from the digusting truth of living with an ED, we are still allowing sufferers to secretly glamourise them.
Talk openly with your kids about EDs being a mental and phsical illness. The reality that starving your body changes your brain chemistry really shocked the bejesus out of me.
Hopefully now people are talking more openly about EDs some of the allure will be lost because the long term reality is definately not a pretty picture and at base is self inflicted.
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I think it does come from you – even before you remarked about how you diet and exercise, I thought to myself I bet the mum has issues. Try to fill your house with other things – you ,mentioned how beautiful your daughter is but not word about her other talents. Real self esteem cannot just come from how you look – especially for a woman/girl.
Get her into music, sport, (not dancing or gymnastics) art whatever and encourage some new friends.
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A lot of these comments have said you shouldn’t compliment kids on their appearance but it’s ok to compliment them on their brains, sporting ability, etc.
I’m wondering why one attribute is any better than another? Kids don’t ask to be born brainy any more than they do to be born beautiful or good at sport.
They’re all randomly bestowed gifts and they’ll all fade eventually. Why should we value one quality more (or less) than another
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I agree… I don’t think it hurts to compliment kids on ALL things, including looks, so long as no single thing becomes a focus.
I said a similar comment in response to deej below but it was deleted.
MM team – why on earth was my comment deleted by the way? It was not remotely offensive, rude or inflammatory, I don’t get it?
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Hi Anonymous- I’m not sure why your comment was deleted, it may have been done by accident. I’ve restored it. Apologies x
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Oh – that’s ok, I just wondered if I’d inadvertently said something wrong!
Thanks!!
(I’m anonymous btw, got to remember to put my name against comments, I always forget!)
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Interesting point – although looks do fade a lot more quickly then brains or talent. Self esteem is bound to be more fragile when based on them.
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There is research which suggests that complimenting kids on a product, or attribute is less beneficial than commenting on the effort they put into something, for example, if the child has painting a nice painting…instead of saying, “Wow, what a beautiful painting”, it is more beneficial for the child’s growth and esteem to hear “Wow, you must have put so much effort into that painting.”
I think what you comment on reflects what you value, ultimately, so comments on appearance reinforce that appearance is valued to you, or whoever makes the comment. When it’s consistent, then the message is that appearance is the most valuable attribute the child has.
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Brains don’t fade – and if you work hard you can do something really wonderful with them. this is worth complementing. Same with sport – if you try hard (whether you’re good or not) is worth complementing. But to ONLY compliment a child on how they look is shallow and gives them he wrong ideas about what is important in life.
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I had no idea about ed’s. When my daughter was diagnosed I was shocked and devastated. In hindsight I wish I had been aware, I wish I had known more about ed and what to look out for I probably would not have been able to prevent it, but I wish with all my heart I had noticed at 9 not 14! By then the ed had its grip well and truly on my daughters every thought and action. As a parent we educate ourselves from day one, the pregnancy book, the baby books, how to raise a teenager etc. what we don’t do is educate ourselves about one of the most serious mental illnesses of our lifetime. ed’s are on the rise, why? Who knows, the media, peer pressure, it doesn’t matter. We owe it to our children to know the signs. Early intervention is key to recovery. I posted earlier but I will again post a link to a site that will educate parents. The more we as parents know the better chances for our kids, because once they have an ed, finding treatment is the next big hurdle you will have. Recovery takes years. From a parent prospective, you have to be so dedicated and vigilant, one parent will give up work, marriages break down, and children die from this. Please just listen and watch from a distance, educate yourself and know what to look for not all girls in a café chatting about food and body image will develop ed but sadly many do! As a parent it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through,( I can’t imagine what my daughter goes through) I cry every day, not just silent tears but gut wrenching sobs of despair and pain, desperate to get my REAL daughter back. Be aware. http://www.feast-ed.org/ This should be up there with ‘how to books’ on raising kids.
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There is hope edmum, and you will get your real daughter back!! I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at 14, and had over a dozen admissions to both medical and locked psych wards over five years. I am now in my 20′s and completely recovered, living a full and happy life.
…and thanks for the link, more people need to hear about FEAST and ATDT!!
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Try explaining this to a child of the same age working in a sweat shop in India. Or a child born into a refuge camp. How can we justify these issues as legitimate problems when much of the world doesn’t even have clean water to drink let alone bloody cake. Take the blinkers off people.
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Hey Ali,
Sure there are first-world problems, but reducing body-image issues and mental illnesses like eating disorders to nothing more than trivial first-world issues is quite frankly insensitive and insulting. There are lots of issues in this world, and just because some of them come from the first-world doesn’t mean they are any less important. It’s attitudes like these that continue to propagate the stigma surround mental illness.
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Well said Chelsea! I couldn’t agree with your comments more!!!
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I get it, I really do. And trivial isn’t a word I used. I’ve battled bulimia myself for years and it wasn’t until I got out of my first world bubble and experienced the rest of the world through travel that I gained this perspective. I realised how lucky I was and how much I was wasting my life by being sick. It helped give me the strength to recover and to this day is a motivation for keeping me on the right track. It’s just one of many things that frustrates me about western society, our vision is skewed. I don’t pretend to know the answers.
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So just because children in other parts of the world don’t have these problems this mum should ignore the issue and ignore a potential future body image/eating disorder crisis?
And on this reasoning should parents of third world children ignore their kids when they are upset they have no resources or schools, no food or drink?
“sorry darling, kids in Australia don’t have this problem so it isn’t important”
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There are a lot of sad and cruel things in this world. Watching your daughter fight an eating disorder is one of them!
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Hi Elaine
Good on you for raising an important issue and for having the courage to admit it may be your own behaviour that is influencing your the way your daughter feels about her body.
Someone may have said this already – I haven’t read through all the comments – but why not have a talk with her about how lots of girls and grown up women worry a lot about looking like the models in magazines and the people on TV, and that ‘even Mum does that too sometimes, and I’ve realised that’s silly of me, and I’m going to worry less about it from now on, because it’s pretty boring and there’s lots of more interesting things to think and talk about and do’ and actually let her see and hear the change in you.
If you feel like that’s more than you can manage – to change your own constant dieting and exercise – maybe a few sessions with a psychologist could help, and also give you some good tips for talking to your daughter about her self esteem. Your GP can refer you to someone in your area.
Good luck Elaine. xx
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Good on you Kate R for providing such constructive and helpful advice. It’s a tricky situation, and it was brave of Elaine to acknowledge her own behaviour. This is what I love about MM!
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Thanks Pip!
It’s good to come across a parent who is concerned about something and is willing to look at their own role in it. Nobody out there is perfect and always does exactly the ‘right’ thing for their children – all we can do is try our best and be willing to face up to it when we realise we’re doing something that’s unhealthy for our children.
I’d love to see a campaign similar to the Kids Absorb Your Drinking ads about body image. So many mothers I come into contact with talk really critically, really often about their bodies (and other women’s) in front of their daughters.
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It is so important to be aware of the early signs of eating disorders. It really upsets me that children of such a young age are conscious about their bodies and looks when really they should be enjoying being children. As a teacher i will often overhear comments about weight around the classroom, children are so aware of their physicality!
I remember when entering my teenage years it seemed to me that suddenly the most important thing was what you looked like. I missed the ‘oblivious’ years of my childhood where looks seemingly didn’t matter.
At 15 I became acutely aware of how I was perceived by others, (from comments made by others, magazines and other media, from starting to date boys and so on) the emphasis shifted from taking pride on my internal abilities and intelligence to wanting to look a certain way and be slim and attractive.
I was always a skinny child but this gradual pressure I felt regarding my physical appearance made me feel insecure and anxious. Puberty hit late and so used to being tall and skinny. I suddenly felt worried when my body began changing and I started putting on weight (as you do!).
So what did I do (when I was already skinny)? I started dieting. I lost a bit of weight and then I lost too much weight. I remember being worried that if I ate certain foods I would get ‘fat’ again. The school talked to my parents who while concerned and had noticed, thought it was more of a stage that I would grow out of, besides most of my girlfriends also dieted….
At this point I could have gone either way- snapped out of it and lived a life with a ‘normal’ relationship with food dealing with my insecurities about my body image in other ways or I could develop an ED. Unfortunately I chose the latter.
What followed was six years of ED hell. I didn’t get my periods for years and was constantly depriving myself of nourishing food, I began being bulimic when I couldn’t diet anymore which only made me feel shame and hate myself. While I lived a seemingly normal life, I was very, very skinny but most people just assumed I was like that naturally as I would do ANYTHING to hide the fact I starved myself. I felt such shame that I couldn’t manage my food ‘normally.’ Only those close to me suspected it as it was obvious!! I went away to college where my ED became worse with the added pressure of having boyfriends and so on, my uni marks suffered, my parents felt so helpless as I would deny deny deny that I was sick. Oh my poor parents! They were my support through all this!
Entering the modelling industry at 20 only made matters worse as it became acceptable and almost normal to starve or purge or deny, deny, deny. The pressure again on my physical appearance just fuelled my ED more I felt I couldn’t escape it.
It has taken about 6 years, probably more to reestablish a somewhat normal relationship with food. My issues with food and body image have taken a huge toll on my life in terms of my health, time wasted obsessing about food and even on my university achievements and so on.
I wanted to write to tell parents of young girls and boys to take these early warning signs seriously. Find out about the disease, be informed, provide support to your child. If you diet yourself do so discreetly, establish a healthy relationship with food in the home and be a good role model. Overall, I know it feels like a lost battle in this day and age but try to continually emphasis internal achievements and play down the importance of aesthetics.
Not all children will go onto develop an ED I unfortunately did, so many factors contribute to an ED. But please be aware, be informed and treat and signs seriously!
I love my life and body now but it has been a long, long road to get here!
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Thanks for your story and I’m glad to hear you’re on the right track.
Just wanted to point out one thing that stood out: you didn’t choose to develop an eating disorder, just like one doesn’t choose to develop cancer. Like you said, so many factors do contribute, particularly genetic. Please don’t ever blame yourself xx
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My eldest is 11 and came home from school the other day telling me about a girl in her class who had put herself on a diet so she could fit in her primary school graduation dress in December. My girl commented that she was just a normal slim build. She hadn’t had any breakfast, recess food or lunch. The only thing she had been eating was a little bit of carrot. AND HER MOTHER KNEW ABOUT THIS!
The other girls in the class rolled their eyes and told her she was an idiot, and I asked my girl to mention it to the teacher so that at least she is aware that this girl may be on the road to an ED. My daughter has since mentioned other things about this family. They seem to have a few issues and I really wonder how their daughter will navigate her teens.
I do worry about EDs as our family is involved in a martial art that operates on weight divisions. I’m currently trying to get my weight down by 2 kg so I can go in a lower division so I don’t get creamed by bigger taller girls. My goal weight is a weight within my normal adult weight range but as I put on muscle the lower weight is harder to maintain. It’s a real bugger being right on the cutoff between divisions. My daughter is in the middle of her weight grade and if she was on the cut-off I would insist that she go up a division. There is enough focus on making weight as it is. There is something not right when 10 and 11 year olds have to strip right down in a room full of strangers to get off that last 5 grams so they sneak into the lower division that they signed up for 2-3 months earlier. You don’t have the option of changing divisions so if you have travelled across the country and paid several hundreds of dollars to get to these champs, the pressure is on. I went in my first big comp last year and I found myself totally obsessing about my weight. On the day of weigh in I made it by 15g but had to survive on barley sugars on the day to achieve that. It gave me new insight into how athletes can develop eating disorders as you do end up having to watch your intake, having to count calories, weigh frequently and juggle your food options. The obsessionality which makes you a good athlete can also put you at risk.
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I went through the exact same phase at that age (10-12). Unlike your daughter I actually was going through a very chubby stage, and was keenly aware of it. A lot of parents think self consciousness about weight, looks, etc only sets in around 15. At least for girls, however, it happens a lot earlier. When I hit puberty, the weight fell off, and I ended up actually being quite a skinny teen. But I remember being about 11 and always covering up my ‘fat’ stomach, buying all the latest 99% fat free foods at the supermarket and loathing how I looked in tight clothes (throwing many a change room tantrum with mum while clothes shopping!) Also I remember having very similar conversations with a couple of my friends who were also very weight conscious – talking about how we were going to go on diets and only going to eat 99% fat free rice crackers for the rest of the day so we could lose weight (but we never stuck to our plans – we didnt actually have full-blown eating disorders).
Unfortunately my dad was very unkind about the whole pre-puberty weight gain, and I think this is what got the self-conscious phase started for me. He would frequently tell me I was ‘too fat’ and shouldn’t eat that second helping I was about to have, etc. I remember one really upsetting episode when I bought my first bra (training bra, it was tiny), and I was so excited about it – I was dying for boobs. I overheard mum telling him about it, and then dad saying something like ‘what does she need a bra for, she hasn’t got breasts, its all just fat’. I was so embarrassed.
Anyway, I think most girls grow out of this. I certainly did. Now I am 24, healthy size 8-10, eat well and exercise. Although it can do transient damage to self esteem, all this weight talk doesn’t seem to have a lasting effect on most girls. It was a phase for me and my friends at that age, and hopefully is for your daughter too.
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I can totally relate to you. I have a father who continues to say that I’m fat even now that I’m in my 20′s. The truth is that I’m not fat at all, maybe just unfit. I hate it how some fathers treat their daughter/s and think they have a right to belittle them. They don’t realise the damage it causes their daughter/s.
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I’m sorry that you both had to listen to such unkind remarks from your dads, Melanie and Louise.
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Reading this article and some of these comments make me sad that so many people worry about body image at such a young age.
Although I’ve had a few struggles with body image (no serious eating disorders, unlike many people I know, but definitely often think I should lose a few kilos) I consider myself lucky that before I was a teenager, these issues didn’t concern me at all. At ten my appearance was barely even a blip on my radar and I barely gave it a second thought. I also don’t remember getting many comments on my apperance as a child, either negative or positive. My family never focused on the way I looked and my mother never dieted or made negative comments about her own body and was also very open about her body with me so I grew up thinking everyone was this happy with themselves and this was normal. I’m not sure if this is part of the reason that I didn’t spend much time thinking about my appearance or whether it was partly my personality? Not sure. I naively thought this was normal for a ten-year-old but reading the comments below I realise that many children this age DO focus on their apperance.
However, from the age of 13 onwards I was accutely aware of my appearance. Puberty hit and with the changes in my body, I suddenly became aware of it in a way that I hadn’t been before. It was also around this time (year 8 so we were 13 and 14) that I remember hearing other girls talking about dieting, losing weight, body image etc. I don’t remember hearing these kinds of dicussions before this age (maybe they went on I was just unaware of them). From the teenage years I also started getting comments on my appearance and my body. I remember friends comparing their bodies to mine and others and when my breasts grew quite large at age 15 I received A LOT of comments from both boys and girls which made me quite uncomfortable. All this talk of apperance was very hard to ignore and to this day I still spend too much time (I think) looking at myself in reflective surfaces and wondering if my body looks good or if I’m too fat and how my face looks today. Sometiems I wish I didn’t care so much.
However, I feel so grateful that I had a great childhood and that there was a time in my life when I was comfotable in ripped jeans and a flanalette shirt and messy hair without caring a hoot and that my main priorities were that my body could help me climb a tree or kick a ball rather than stay thin and look good. I feel sad that there are so many ten-year-old children who are ALREADY worrying about counting calories, staying thin and dieting. Childhood is such a short period that shouldn’t be spent worrying about such things.
I agree with other commenters that it’s probably not good to tell a ten-year-old she’s got a ‘great figure.’ I associate’ great figure’ with something you’d say to a woman, not a pre-pubescent child. This may make her concentrate on her apperance more when it’s something I feel she is too young to worry about. HOwever, I know that this comment was not made to be cruel, it was made to make her feel better and I understand that.
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My mum never commented on my looks. I remember when I was 9ish looking in the mirror and telling mum that I thought I was ugly (she was shocked I think) but I remember feeling quite indifferent about it. I was a skinny kid, and a skinny teenager and I remember from 13 onwards being proud of being only 45kg, freaking out when the figure kept creeping upwards (as it does and should!) When I was going to a dance that night I would not eat that day at school so that my stomach would be flat (and people would comment all the time on my amazing flat stomach).
Then I started gaining weight (nothing too drastic) as normal in my later teens 19-20…and I really don’t care. I’m heathy, I fit into a size 10 nicely, look good in the clothes I choose (not in the coat hanger sense) and yes I do have a pretty decent (read: normal) sized round bum. SO WHAT!!?!
One small detail: I live in a small village in Cambodia (I am Australian but I volunteer here teaching the arts and dance). Curves here are GOOD (except skinny is slowly becoming inny here too due to western influence..sad face) and I am not surrounded by ideals to live up to…
I also felt good about myself in the US (where I was much smaller than average) But when I am surrounded by my Aussie friends who are all weight obsessed (and two are models so go figure) I feel a little worse.
So it’s all about context.
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i know what you mean – when i was in africa people would pinch my belly and say “why are you so hungry!? eat something. its not good. eat more.”
So bizarre to come back to Australia where I could probably lose a couple of kg to be the ‘ideal’!
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There are a lot of very judgmental people out there wanting to blame this mother’s parenting and that is so wrong. You are all sitting by saying what happens in the home is what counts in forming a childs sense of self esteem and to an extent is true but people what’s out there in the world around our kids is a HUGE influence. What happens when your daughters goes to someone elses house, to school, to sport, reads magazines, goes on the internet, watches tv, movies, music videos, bullying, peer pressure, adolescence, boys. HELLO you can’t be with them every second!!! Good parenting and reassurance will only take you so far when there are all these bombarding influences. Seriously many people commenting havent even got kids out of primary school, wait till you have raised your kids and got them through a 21st century adolescence hopefully by then you won’t be sounding so superior.
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Exactly! Does anybody here think their parents were their only influences? If you do, you were either homeschooled and had no social contact, or you’re kidding yourself. In the same way, Elaine’s daughter certainly has some views and attitudes that were shaped by somebody other than Elaine.
Personally I feel ashamed that Elaine came here for help and she’s getting people who don’t know her from a bar of soap casting aspersions on her parenting.
It’s one thing to pick on the hired Mamamia staff for publishing their opinion, but completely another to crush somebody asking for help. Really people!
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I agree. My 9 yo daughter came home from school one day and asked me if she was skinny. There were a group of girls who had been talking about it at lunch time and asking the other girls what they thought. At 9! After I got over my shock, I told her we don’t judge people by their size, that she is healthy and that’s what matters most. She does a different activity every afternoon – dancing, swimming etc – and is fit and healthy. She’s not a skinny kid, but neither were her father or I, so no surprises there and we always take care to discuss our own body issues when the kids aren’t around. They see us exercising to be healthy and ask for turns on the treadmill because “it’s fun”. I work in a natural health practice where the focus is nutrition and exercise so when I explain things to my children about being healthy they know I know what I’m talking about. I think we are doing all we can as parents to help our kids look at their bodies in a healthy way, but we cannot stop the outside influences that may suggest otherwise.
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Yep, you only have that sole influence thing happening for a very short time. My five-year-old commented recently that she had fat legs. She’s a slim girl. I rarely talk about my body in a critical way and never in front of her, and have only ever said that she has a strong healthy body, so this has come from somewhere else. My guess is school. It worries me that kindy kids are talking about this.
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Isn’t it likely that the fact she receives compliments all the time has instilled in her the concept that looks are what’s important? Psychologically, it’s much better to tell kids things like, ‘wow you did a really great job of plaiting your hair, well done!’ rather than ‘your hair looks very pretty, aren’t you a pretty girl?’.
On another note, I don’t think it’s right to be criticising kids for correctly identifying foods that are bad for them. Especially considering how fat and unhealthy many Australian kids are these days.
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When I was in year 5 (11) my friends and relatives were constantly telling me that I was so gorgeous and pretty and thin and tall.. 2 years later I hit puberty, grew boobs, and became a little pudgier than I had ever been. Suddenly, the compliments stopped and that’s when my ED started because I yearned to hear the compliments again. The main problem in this article is if other people are focusing on your daughters weight and figure at such a young age, she’ll think it matters a lot more than it does and soon enough it’ll be a large factor in her life.
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Being aware of your body and how you look is no different to when I was 10. I hit puberty very young-got my period, boobs, tallest in the class when I was in year 4. Just before I was 10! My mum was fantastic over this time, even though I was teased mercilessly at school about being “big”. She focused on who I was as a person, how smart and talented I was and hugged me when I cried about the teasing. Then I hit year 7 and I was suddenly “normal” again. My mum was a massive role model for me then. Yes, I had a growing body but there was never any talk of being fat, diets, being ashamed etc. This is the same model I will be raising my daughter on. It’s normal for young girls to compare what they look like, but it’s the message at home that those girls will hold on to for life.
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The amount of emphasis Elaine puts on the fact that everyone else is always saying how beautiful/slim your daughter is says it all. Who cares what people say about her? If anything it’s definitely a bad thing because all girls ever seem to hear are comments about their looks: there is too much emphasis on telling girls how they look all the time…this is the problem. Elaine should stop talking about how her daughter actually looks in comparison to how she feels, because by doing so she is contributing to the problem herself.
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Maybe Elaine is only mentioning that in the context of an article which focuses on her daughter’s insecurities? We have no idea whether or how often she says it at home, but the fact itself is a necessary part of the background to the story.
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Oh gosh, I was about 9 when somebody first compared me to me skinny friends. Some people from a charity came to my school and were trying to educate us about famine. They picked me as an example of a ” healthy child” and my best friend as an example of a ” child without enough food”. We stood up in front of assembly. I remember many, many comments after that. Many of them actually kind. Nobody ever called me fat but somewhere I must have assumed that I was. I developed an eating disorder in response to my parents separating a few years later. Im fine and happy and healthy now. I think my point is that young children have big flapping elephant ears. They pick up on all sorts of things said to and about them and things they overhear which have nothing to do with them. They process these things in an immature way ( because they are children) and apply their own logic to them. They need positive role models who as aware of their own behaviour and also aware that kids aren’t deaf or stupid and are so very susceptible to what goes on in their immediate vicinity.
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As a parent of sons I notice that people talk to my sons about what they are doing, never about how they look, or what they wear. My friends’s daughters by contrast, are always receiving comments about their appearance….positive comments but nonetheless comments about their clothing and appearance. No wonder so many women spend such a lot of time thinking and talking about the subject of body shape, fashion etc.
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Yes,i’m sorry Elaine,but i do believe if a ten year old child talks like this and already feels insecure about their body,it’s mostly the parenting which is to blame.You are saying that you are constantly dieting-your daughter is taking this in as normal.May i ask how often you are making unkind comments about your own body?And are you seriously telling your daughter what a great figure she has?Again,i am sorry,but even the thought of this horrifies me.My son is ten,my daughter seven,and while i am sure they are aware of people having different body shapes,neither of them have ANY clue that there are grown up people having issues about their own bodies…and why should they?!They have never,ever heard me making any kind of comments about things like that,and neither will they in the future.There’s not much worse than passing on your own insecurities to your children.Again,there is no doubt in my mind that children this young do not get like that from the media.It’s spoonfed by mum (or dad and other primary caregivers)….
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I completely disagree Anouk.
It’s possible for the same parents to have two children with completely different personalities; even identical twins.
The family is most definitely not the only socialising influence on a child. They are the primary influence, their peers are a secondary influence and the media and society in general are a tertiary but still important influence.
I really don’t think this mother needs to doubt herself any more, nor do I think you can hold up your own family as a guideline to either explain or model how everything else in the world should be.
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Oh i agree with you,kids from the same family can very well be different from each other,but what we are talking about here has nothing at all to do with personalities,really…
I also agree that the media does play a part as well,but still,there too it’s ultimately the parents who are deciding just how big that influence is.Because yes,if you think,for example,watching Australia’s Next Topmodel,Glee,or any of those ridiculous Talent shows with your child is appropriate family entertainment…that’s a problem in my view.
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To be honest I think that’s a bit harsh Anouk. Actually it’s way harsh. There are a multitude of influences on kids these days that parents have no control over, Elaine is simply asking what she can do with the aspects of this issue she DOES have control of, and how to limit the damage of those she doesn’t. You might as well say Elaine’s daughter has body issues because Elaine breast fed too long, or not long enough, or picked her up too often as a baby, or not enough, or chose her outfits for her, or let her do it herself…….whether it’s body image, bullying, or anything else – placing the blame solely on parents is a cop out.
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This piece troubles me on a number of levels. Firstly, I detect a whiff of hypocrisy about it. Elaine expresses horror that these 10 year olds are obsessing about their weight (or, more accurately, parroting lines they’re no doubt heard from their own mothers), but then goes on to describe how gorgeous they all are.
Is the point of it to say, they’re gorgeous and shouldn’t think they’re fat?
Or is it to say, young girls shouldn’t worry about how they look?
These are two very different things.
I would say it’s the former, and that’s troubling, because by saying that ‘these girls are gorgeous, they’ve got nothing to worry about’, is an issue in itself. Because by doing so, you’re drawing a direct line between looks and what is ‘right’ – which of course is the crux of this societal obsession with looks overall, that to be ‘right’, you need to look a certain way. By describing her daughter as gorgeous, she it attaching value to how she looks.
Why do young girls need to worry about how they look? Shouldn’t they be more concerned with hopscotch and monkey bars and maths homework?
Why does this excessive and premature looks-awareness have to come into the picture at such a young age?
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This piece troubles me on a number of levels. Firstly, I detect a whiff of hypocrisy about it. Elaine expresses horror that these 10 year olds are obsessing about their weight (or, more accurately, parroting lines they’re no doubt heard from their own mothers), but then goes on to describe how gorgeous they all are.
Is the point of it to say, they’re gorgeous and shouldn’t think they’re fat?
Or is it to say, young girls shouldn’t worry about how they look?
These are two very different things.
I would say it’s the former, and that’s troubling, because by saying that ‘these girls are gorgeous, they’ve got nothing to worry about’, is an issue in itself. Because by doing so, you’re drawing a direct line between looks and what is ‘right’ – which of course is the crux of this societal obsession with looks overall, that to be ‘right’, you need to look a certain way. By describing her daughter as gorgeous, she it attaching value to how she looks.
Why do young girls need to worry about how they look? Shouldn’t they be more concerned with hopscotch and monkey bars and maths homework?
Why does this excessive and premature looks-awareness have to come into the picture at such a young age?
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Im one of two girls and my father made sure that there were never scales, trashy magazines or full length mirrors in our house while we were growing up. I never noticed at the time but I think it was SUCH a good idea. We used to stand on the edge of the bath if we needed to look at our outfit full length but I totally understand his reasoning. Now I live out of home with a house that has full length mirrors on the wardrobe I am constantly looking at my body (especially nude). I know this isn’t exactly advice but it was a very clever trick that worked a treat in our house!!
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Yet even though your parents did everything they could to ensure you had limited exposure to negative body images as you were growing up, as an adult you sill obsess and look at your naked body constantly in the mirror…..how do you explain this? Why is it now that you obsess?
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Mmmm no I wouldnt say I obsess. Everyone is always going to have things they dont like about themselves, I just think it was good not to have it there while I was younger and way more impressionable and naive. While I still look at myself now, Im older (and wiser hah!) and know and appreciate that bodies come in all different shapes and sizes. I dont think I would have been that mature when I was in highschool.
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I guess I was thinking that maybe a little balance would have helped if you flicked the other way as an adult. There’s nothing wrong with looking at your body when its hitting puberty, and trashy mags are fine if you treat them like that (ie. trash!). My aim is to raise a self-aware daughter and son who know there’s nothing wrong with how you look, that its normal when hormones go crazy that your body will do some crazy things. But this will be balanced with health, sport, music, reading and all those other wonderful things that make up a well balanced kid. All I can do is equip them with the skills to try and get through the tough time of puberty and being a teenager!!
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I was reading this article thinking “oh my god, only 10 years old” in disbelief…. and then i remembered my diaries.
while cleaning out my cupboard a couple of months ago i stumbled upon my old diaries,, kept from year 6 all the way up to the end of my teens. One of the very first entries i wrote was while i was away with my family on holidays…and i was talking about how fat i was and how i ate a mars bar even though im a fatty boombah and my hips are huge…. a quick calculation after looking at the date of the entry….i was about to turn 12, and not only that, i was a tiny skinny little thing. i dont know where this thinking came from, my mum was always a healthy weight, i never remembered her discussing weight and she never dieted, just ate well and always had healthy food for us, as well as junkfood in moderation.
This mentality continued all the way through high school though… despite the fact that i was a size 10-12 at the largest. As i recall, in yr 11 and 12, being ‘soo fat’ was a common topic of conversation, even though none of the girls in my group could ever be considered overweight by any stretch of the imagination.
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as a young person who is overweight ( a little bit) i thought i might share my perspective. i dont get all, not eating ever, because that makes me binge. i have a relative who tries on my clothes, commenting they are huge on her ( im a size 10 top and 12ish bottom) no matter how many people dismiss me about thinking im overweight it doesnt help. i just wish someone could be honest and help me become healthier, because im not happy. but if your daughter is as you say, then she needs new friends. five years ago when i was her age i didnt know anyone like this, and i think you should speak to her friends parents because they are not good attitudes to have
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I sat down at a table with 4 other women the other day for a buffet dinner. Here’s how the convo went: W1 (looking at my plate) “see, that’s the reason you’re the size you are, and I’m the size I am” W2 “just wait till you have kids dear”, w3 “No, her mother’s exactly the same, she’ll look slim even at 50 after 3 kids” w4 “it’s not fair is it ladies? just look at all those carbs she’s eating!”. Cue about an hours worth of comments on weight/diet/my figure.
I was sitting there dumbfounded the whole time! I am slimmish, but not tiny, and I do a truck load of exercise to keep up with my training (I sail competitively and need the extra muscle). But who are these women to totally ignore me and just pull apart my appearance and choice of food?
THIS is why I feel self-conscious about how I look – because of the barrage I get every time I eat in public, and sometimes even from family too.
And it’s always women commenting…I am not surprised girls as young as 10 are worried. This is what we do to each other.
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Well said! I agree entirely. It’s other women’s comments, and often snide remarks, that make everyone, no matter how healthy or slim or whatever, feel terrible.
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My mum is tiny and is constantly targeted for her shape. In her youth, she used to be overweight, and was constantly targeted for her shape. She now struggles with her body image as well as putting weight on due to allergies etc.; and so the cycle continues.
I’m probably one of the slimmer people I know, and I’m a fairly average size. I do love my sweets but try to eat a balanced diet otherwise and exercise daily, and I’m targeted for this, too.
What does it really matter, is what I want to know. Who gives a shit what size other people are if they’re happy and healthy? Most people, that’s who.
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I’m a teacher of tweens and all it takes is one popular girl who is hyper aware of body image issues to make this the be all and end all topic for most of the girls in the year level. It is very hard to counter and can affect what the girls will bring for lunch each day – sometimes they will try to avoid eating all together. Usually, but not always, the child who is very weight and image conscious has other family members who are likewise inclined.
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Elaine this really resonates with me although my nearly 10 year old doesn’t talk so much about being ‘fat’ – she rarely uses the ‘f’ word (perhaps because I never do?) but she does seem so focussed already on her appearance. She said to me once ‘mum my legs look funny – I hate my legs’. I would give ANYTHING to have her legs!! It crushes me. She also takes ages to do her hair and will do it over and over to get it ‘perfect’.
While I’ve never talked about exercise and diet in relation to weight or appearance (I would only ever talk about it from a ‘health’ perspective) I do sometimes refer to my daughter as ‘beautiful’ or comment on how great an outfit looks on her or give her advice on whether two items of clothing go together or not etc etc.
It does worry me that these mere comments could be causing her insecurity about her appearance but really I think it’s a combination of the media, her peers and me.
In your case – if your daughter knows you’re dieting and exercising to lose weight then yes, I’d say she does pick up on it. Perhaps you could try to only refer to your diet and exercise plan as a way of getting healthy and feeling good rather than losing weight (if you’re not doing this already that is!).
I’m sure it’s not just your influence though – it could have just been one of the girls in your daughters group (the alpha personality type perhaps?) that had previously talked about bad food making them fat and they all pick up on it? I’ve certainly noticed a shift in the importance of peers opinions in this age group.
The TV they watch eg. video clips, Disney channel etc that show perfectly groomed, skinny and ‘beautiful’ looking young woman certainly doesn’t make it easy for us. Perhaps sitting down with her when she’s exposed to this media and talking through the ‘reality’ of how these girls come to look this way (eg. make-up artists, lighting etc) is a good opportunity to talk about how much more important it is to be beautiful on the inside. Can you google a pic of one of these stars in a more natural state so your daughter can see what they REALLY look like?
I think pointing out as often as we can the amazing things that she and other girls/role models do that aren’t related to appearance eg. showing generosity, being good at writing music, intelligence, being a good friend etc may help to shift the focus onto all the other more important things that can make someone special.
I have three daughters so I’m going to try all these things with the hope of having some success but I think we’ll never be able to protect them entirely from being judged or judging themselves on how they look.
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with telling a young girl they look beautiful, but the problem lies in them thinking it is the most important part of who they are and letting it define them. I tell my ten year old she is beautiful regularly, but I also tell her she is smart and funny and caring, and I remind her that the inside is always more important than what is on the outside. We never use the word fat in our house, we talk about being healthy or unhealthy instead – but this is in relation to food. So we would say there are foods that are not healthy which we don’t eat very often, as opposed to healthy food which we choose to eat so we can also be healthy and not get sick etc. The only times my ten year has ever mentioned her weight is when she has heard other girls mention it. Sadly, she went to a birthday party earlier this year where one of the girls refused to eat the party food as it was fattening! This is also a girl who frequently tells other girls they are ‘ugly’! It is being around girls like this who have bad body image, and feel the need to talk continually about their looks that is a big issue for us. Fortuntely my daughter is playing with a different group of girls now who like clothing and doing their hair etc, but are not obsessive, and enjoy a wide range of activities that are not at all related to looks, and are just plain fun.
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The first thing I think needs to be said is that 10 these days is probably like last generations 13 or 14…children are exposed to a lot more, a lot younger now so I would be taking your concerns seriously and not waiting until things get worse or your daughter is older to take action…
The second thing is that while every eating disorder is different and every sufferer develops them for different reasons, they are fiercely competitive and thrive off like minded companions…now, I’m not saying your daughter or her friends have an eating disorder at this stage, but the negative communication around food is contagious. Not only are the girls dealing with their own self esteem issues, but they are trying to fit in with a friendship group who are developing a dialogue around physical appearance.I would communicate your concerns to the parents of the other girls.
The other thing I would encourage you to do is arm your daughter with positive information.Educate her about healthy food and lifestyle and allow her to make her own food choices.Also remember how important it is for you to role model healthy eating…and by healthy eating I mean not calorie counting or labeling food as good or bad. This means having a bowl of ice cream without her noticing that your only having half a scoop to treat yourself…she may be picking up on what you do more than what you say.
Just make sure you monitor the situation without making a fuss about it….the worst thing you could do is draw more attention to appearance or diet.
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That is fantastic advice
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“The first thing I think needs to be said is that 10 these days is probably like last generations 13 or 14…children are exposed to a lot more, a lot younger now”
I was hyper-aware of my shape from about 8 onwards, and so were all my friends. I don’t think being obsessed with weight at 10 is anything new. These feelings tend to come up during puberty, and for a lot of girls the early stages of that begin well before their teenagers.
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Great advice. I turned my unhealthy eating around eventually, but it took me a while to work out what healthy eating actually means. Knowledge is the best armour you can give your daughter!
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I started suffering from poor body image and disordered eating from a very early age. Now I know I’m not the norm, especially for way back then, but it began from just a couple of simple little comments. When I was about five, my mother commented one day that I was big in the legs. I remember sitting alone in my bedroom that night and drawing with green texta on my thighs the places where I needed to lose the “fat” so I would be thin. My parents never could understand why I refused to where shorts. From that day on, I became quite self concious about my body, a bit sad as I was just a little girl. Fast forward to a couple of years later, I was Eight and our class was learning about body types. For our homework, we had to fill out our physical features (short or tall, face shape, build size etc), under build, I wasn’t sure what to write, so my mother suggested I write “medium build”. They next day, after we handed our homework in, my teacher called me to stand in front of the class. He read out my answers, but when it came to my answer for the build question he said to the class “do you think she is a medium build? I think she is a solid build” he then asked the class to comment on my body shape. I was told my face looked like a soccer ball, that I was fat, my feet were too big, my freckles were ugly etc. The teacher just let them go. I went home from school that day and just sobbed. I vowed I would never eat again. That was the start of an eating disorder that I still suffer from in secret, to this day. Whilst I can look back now and see that I was a healthy, normal little girl and that what the teacher did to me was wrong, and the little remark my mother made was completely innocent, I’ve never been able to get passed it. Am I a one off? I dont know. But what I do know is I am going to be extremely aware about what I say to my children. I dont believe that you should wrap your kids in cotton wool, but there is so much pressure and emphasis on body image today its a very very spindly little line we have to balance. Ugh I dont know if there is a “right” way to handle it all! I want my kids happy, healthy and grounded, I know my parents wanted the same thing for me and it would break their hearts if they knew what I was doing back then and how I felt about my self but at the same time, I never felt I could talk to them about it either. I guess the only thing we can do is keep ourselves approachable and available to our kids and keep the conversation going with the emphasis about being happy and healthy no matter what kind of package you come in.
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that is absolutely appalling what that teacher did.
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Anon the mouse, what your teacher said is disgusting and these days he would lose his job over it. I find it unbelievable that he would make the comment about your build, or even be asking children what build they are for homework, then to top it off and ask the other children to pitch in as well, I am in shock!! The impact of that is so far reaching for you, and it just goes to show how a few comments can make such a massive difference in someone’s life
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What that teacher did was wrong and I pray that he never did it to anybody else. He had a daughter of his own who was the same age as me, so he really should have known better. Whilst I was writing my novel of a comment, I noticed so many other people posting stories of their own experiences. Its so sad that even when we were kids, it was more common than what I thought. I found it strangely empowering though, just to write down my own experiences and I hope the others on here felt the same. I have never told anyone about this until now.
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Wow anon the mouse … we have really similar stories. I’m the anonymous from below …
I had a teacher say to me when I was in year 12 in 2009- yes 2009- that when he looked at me all he saw was teeth. Because I apparently had a big mouth.
Whatever, he was a jerk, and the guys I date love my big smile. But it stung at the time, even as a 17 year old. I remember going to the bathroom after class and sitting there just feeling hideous about this thing that I had no control over, that I just couldn’t change. Dickhead. I feel so angry, still, that he felt he had the right to comment on my appearance either way.
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What the HELL is wrong with that teacher? Needs a kick in the face.
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My story is this. I felt the same way as your daughters/friends, i was in great shape as a child/teen, but because i was the TALL one,who developed early (hello hips and boobs in year 5 i developed a multitude of concerns about my weight that preoccupied me, but laid low until my late teens. In a stressful period i ‘took control of that portion of my life that i could control-eating, exercise) and developed full blown anorexia at 19. Fast ford 7 years, 3 relapses, always at times i thought i wasnt GOOD enough, and im the healthiest i have been. The issues underlying the ED have been worked on but theres still a way to go. Im pregnant with our first child, one of my dreams come true and yet the scariest thing ever- i know how much influence you can have on this small being! Our focus will be on fueling the body and working the body with play and learning, neve on appearance or weight,… Ima little thankful the first is a boy as i think they cop less ‘messGES’ about
Stuff than girls from others/the media… Though im still highly aware boys develop EDs too!
I agree with some other comments re nipping it in the bud now. I hope my sister in law does with her two girls saying the same thing about birthday cake, so sad
My mum was always dieting or otherwise unhappy with her weight, i dont doubt that impacted on me, along with my ED type of personality traits (high achiever, perfectionist) and other factors like feeling out of control.
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There are a couple of disturbing parts of this article but firstly I will focus on my personal experience.
I am twenty years old, I dieted for the first time when I was maybe 7? I felt fat from the time I became self aware, and started to try and make myself sick from when I was maybe 9 or 10? It was just surrounding me, the media, books, movis, dance classes. You have to be thin to win. I don’t think it’s anywhere near as bad now, curves are back in, but when I was pre-pubescent curves other than bits of silicone stuck to your chest were most definitely OUT.
I was a chubby little girl I suppose, very, very short and round with short blonde hair. Very sensitive, the product of a divorced family and although I knew I was clever it just didn’t connect to my schoolwork. So I dieted. If I was thin I’d be happy, right? Never worked too well. My dad used to make little comments about my weight. When I was fifteen I finally told him to shut the hell up because it was MY body and just not his to talk about, I also told him that if he ever says anything to my little sister (12 years younger) I will END him.
It has a happy ending, my teens were far more healthy, I grew about a foot and stretched out. I stated getting good marks, gained great friends and am now at university considered a smart girl. I ended up with a great figure- I’m a size 6-8, 5’3’’ with a C cup. But it feels so conditional. So long as I am thin I can be happy, once that’s gone I’m worth nothing. Yes, I still have these issues, so if you can stop it early then you will end up with a much happier girl I’m sure.
I write all this to warn you. Your friends shouldn’t comment on your 10 year old’s figure or looks. Nor should you. You’re enforcing that thin= good. And it doesn’t. Honestly, thin should equal who fucking cares.
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thank you anon.
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I too found reading that people comment on a 10 year old’s good figure. As a parent I would be asking them to stop. I’m sure that your daughter is very influenced by your constant diet and exercise as her friends are probably influenced by their mothers.
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This sounds like me. I started thinking about losing weight when I was about 8, I think? At that point it was just a ‘let’s not go over 30kg’ because I was relatively short. Now that I’m 16 though, it’s a little more intense.
I think one of the big factors in my weight and food obsession now is the fact that my mother and father are both health nuts.
My mother never bought the food other kids had. When everyone else had a sandwich and fruit, maybe a bar and something sweet, I was the awkward kid who ate salad and omelette and rice and sushi. I mention the last two because I’m the very opposite of having any form of Asian background, and yet I lived off rice for many years of my life. I also almost never ate pasta, pizza, garlic bread, and many other traditional Italian foods, even though I’m Italian.
My father runs, cycles (both road and mountain), and at the time, waterskiied. So he’s really, really tiny.
I never heard the term ‘puppy fat’ until I was about 8, and even then I had adopted my mother’s view on things – you’re either fat, or skinny, and there’s no such thing as puppy fat.
I started talking about it, and thinking about eating healthy at 10, and went of my first (failed) diet at 11. When I was twelve I went into hospital for allergy testing, and because of that, I have never seen any of the numbers between 46 and 51 on the scales, and am only now starting to get rid of the 20 extra kilos I’ve put on over the years.
The point is, when I was 8 it wasn’t that normal for kids my age to know about weight and food and such. Sure it still happened, but it wasn’t as common. Now everyone’s worrying about 9 yr olds who know more about dieting than their parents.
The only thing I can say, from my experience, is that parents should look at your life, look at your choices, look at what you’ve been saying. Now look at what your kids are saying. If both of you are saying the same things, then something’s gone wrong.
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Maybe because all you’re focused on is her physical beauty. Why not compliment her on her academic strengths, or her sporting or dance achievements, or whatever other co-curricular activities she does?
It saddens me that other people feel the need to comment on your 10 year old’s body. At 19, I get offended when people comment on my body “oh you’re so skinny…” it’s annoying and often frustrating because I am NOT DEFINED BY MY LOOKS!! Ask me about uni, congratulate me on good grades, or my job or volunteer work. I think this is just a result of the looks-focused media, it’s so very disheartening that young girls are feeling pressured into looking a certain way.
Also, just a little side note: saying the friend is “skinny skinny and skinny minny” is just a tad offensive. Sure these girls might be slender, but sometimes calling someone skinny can be quite hurtful in the right/wrong context.
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Also, just remembered something my mum said to me when I was about 12/14. I had gone through a really rough patch of infections, and lost a lot of weight (and since I was tiny to begin with, I looked so sickly.) Obviously mum was trying to get me to eat more, so said she’d make me bacon and eggs everyday. I said something like “I’ll get fat if I eat all that.” and she replied very sternly “don’t ever say that again.” It was just so powerful at the time, and I’m so glad she said it – it’s really stuck!
I guess my main point is that parents, especially mums, play a HUGE part in their daughter’s own self-image, yes the media is really powerful, but our mum is our greatest role model, and we really do listen to what you say
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Here here! Chelsea, where are you, I want to meet you!
I copped the ‘skinny minny’ nickname all through school, especially from my friend’s parents (though my name is MissMin for other reasons
)
But PLEASE, I would so much rather here you appreciate my efforts at work, or uni, or sailing, or volunteering, or cooking or even how strong/fit I am – anything that I have actually achieved for myself, rather than being told what I look like…
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Thanks MissMin!
This is something I’m just so passionate about! I too was called skinny minny from everyone, including my dentist of all people! Most people don’t think it’s hurtful and never intend it to be, but it often is.
I just hope that I as I achieve things in life and at uni, people will start to realise that I’m more than the ‘skinny girl.’
(I’m in sydney btw!)
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No good haha, I’m in Perth. But if you were here, I suspect we would get along well! My email if you want to catch up via the interwebz some time
20539849@student.uwa.edu.au
ps. What are you studying at uni?
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I’m doing neuroscience, which is one of the reasons I’m really passionate about mental health and how people perceive and stigmatise it.
(P.s Check your inbox)
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Also I’m embarrassed by my typos above haha, just re-read it. Make that ‘hear’ instead of ‘here’ about 3 times!
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I’m in the same boat as you Chelsea! Though I think it should also be noted that not only are comments about weight in any form (whether it be slim or overweight) are offensive, they can be quite damaging for someone with an eating disorder. People comment on how slim they are, which just reinforces the behaviour and rewards them.
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My son started being very aware of everything he ate and started saying he was on a diet when he was 7 years old. I realised that he was copying things he had heard me say. He is still very careful with what he eats but in a good way, no junk food etc. It was a salutary lesson to me that little people have very big ears and we as parents have a big responsibility.
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I have a 9 year old daughter and she has managed to get a few of the ‘good looking’ genes.
I do tell her that she is a beautiful girl, but stress to her that the most important thing about beauty is that she is beautiful on the inside. That is what counts more…. it doesn’t matter how tall/short you are, how slender or not so slender you are, how pretty your face is – a beautiful person is a person who is beautiful on the inside. Their outside appearance is only their vehicle to get them from A to B each day.
Currently she is still oblivious to how gorgeous on the outside she is. I just pray that it stays that way for as long as possible.
I try my best to set a good example to both of our children (I also have a 5 year old boy) about leading a healthy lifestyle – eating well and exercise are an important part of our day. They know the difference between heatlhy foods and ‘sometimes’ foods, and don’t worry, they have their fair share of the later. As someone else said, it’s all about moderation.
I hope as a parent I never have to experience what others have, having children with eating disorders. How heartbreaking.
All the very best and nip it in the bud now!
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I think all my kids are good looking, but if I’m honest, my 11 year old is very pretty. I will never tell her and I too have been known to reinforce the “handsome is as handsome does” mantra to her, to all of them really. She’s unaware of her looks, but has commented that a few boys at school like her, so I shudder to think of the years ahead. Fortunately, she is also a lovely, thoughtful person too.
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Being at a ballet school full time when i was 15 this sort of stuff was par for the course. There was a fat list and some of us were on it and got weighed every Monday. No surprises that ALL of us had some kind of eating disorder and i had buried 4 friends to anorexia by the time i was 19. However while i acknowledge this is vile we were kind of forced into it. Imagine my horror today when we had a Mad hatters Morning Tea for Cancer at the primary school i am on placement at. One child was refusing to eat (she is an ESL kid and sometimes is contrary just for the attention), what really upset me was the other children saying “Oh well she will be skinny because she isn’t eating all this bad food”. I told them that not one of them should even be thinking about this stuff and walked away
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Why why why are your friends and you commenting on how fantastic her figure is at 10 years old? Her behaviour is a direct product of your behaviour. They are just so impressionable in these tween (?) years.
I have a friend who is a size 8. She has two lovely girls. But all she talks about is how she really needs to lose 3 more kilos… what’s bad for you. You Shouldn’t eat this and you shouldn’t eat that. They all had dinner at our house recently and we had a baked dinner. One of her daughters was very quick to tell her dad not to eat the potatoes cos he’d be fat! Those girls are very conscious of their appearance and I believe this is a direct result of her behaviour in front of them. Which I have mentioned to her. She acknowledges that she ‘probably shouldn’t talk about it’ in front of her girls… But she just can’t help it?!
What happened to simply promoting a healthy lifestyle, without feeling guilty when you and your kids have a treat.
Very sad.
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Urg I wish people would’nt jump on Elaine like this because I am sure lots of readers have had people compliment their kids by saying they are attractive, slender, fit looking. I know I have, I have 3 daughters. People say stuff like this all the time in a well meaning way. Is it helpful NO. But Elaine’s daughters behaviour is NOT a direct product of her mothers behaviour AT ALL. It is the result of many things and most especially a sign that the society that she is growing up in is fixated on thinness and beauty. Get off Mum’s back!
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When I had my daughter I swore to myself that I would not comment negatively about my body in front of her. I am tall and I was quite slim until after having my second baby (size 12 now) but have always been insecure about my body. I believe most of this came from listening to my mum constantly talk about what needed improving in her body. She was ver self critical. My mother in law talks negatively about her weight etc quite a bit too. When she last complained she was too fat blah blah blah in front if my daughter I told her we don’t talk about being fat /ugly etc in front of little miss.
Sure magazines and the media can influence what young girls think, but it’s the parents and other close role models that instill the confidence in them. I just hope that by the time my little ones reach the age of noticing what’s in magazines and on tv they will have enough self worth and be healthy enough to not take any notice!
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