It’s the club 55,000 Australian women are unwillingly granted exclusive membership to every year. Mamamia reader Rachel* is one of these women and she needs some advice. She writes:
I am now suffering through my third miscarriage, my second this year. I need to know how am I supposed to keep picking myself up and trying again? How do I not give up hope? When do I know when enough is enough?
I have two boys, am I being greedy wanting more? How do I stop blaming myself? The pain gets worse each time and I just feel so sad and like such a failure. Everyone keeps saying “its not your fault” but how do I start believing that? I need help seeing the light again as its getting harder and harder each time to let myself be hopeful.
My husband says we should stop, he doesn’t want to see me upset any more, but I know he wants more kids as much as I do, if not more!
I know so many woman have been in my position and I thought I would be okay if it happened again. I thought I was prepared but I’m not. I want to scream and cry and yell and have someone explain to me why my body won’t do what it’s supposed to!!
Comments
87 Comments so far
I conceived three children.
My son would be turning 16 in the new year, his sister would be 14, turning 15 in the new year and their baby brother would have just turned 12 in September.
Except that they were never born into this world.
I expected when I got divorced, aged 31, that I would find a partner, get pregnant and have children. I just turned 43. I am currently single.
I wish I could tell you that it gets less painful as time goes on. Perhaps after menopause and the last remnant of hope of a healthy child from a healthy pregnancy. Even if I were to conceive, gestate and deliver, I think the immediacy would be diminished, but never the pain.
I can’t stop counting.
Good luck to you all.
<3 xo
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would like to contribute to your book for those who have lost a baby. Not good at finding my way around a web page do not have face book or twitter please can I have a postal address or just a simple email address for you
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Don’t know where you are in the country- but go directly to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne. Shaun Brennecke is the most wonderful doctor.
Get a referral and go if you can- they help women in exactly your situation.
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try a lady called anne digby. she is a midwife and naturopath, she deals with all kinds of women, she deals with the women that cant have children, women that are having multiple miss-carriages and even women older than a certain age. she has a website, its worth looking it up
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Rachel I can’t say I know how you feel, but I have been through something similar and I know the feeling of blaming yourself.
I suffered a traumatic ecptopic pregnancy last year. The treatment didn’t go to plan and I ruptured and lost my right side reproductive organs. I don’t know why it happened, no one can tell me and I keep thinking “Is this my fault? What did I do wrong?!”
My husband is the same as yours, I know he wants more kids but he is so nervous to try again now because of what happened, and the medical risks involved now.
Nurses also said to me that “It would be much worse if you didn’t already have a healthy child”. Um, what? Yes, we are SO lucky to have a gorgeous, healthy daughter. But we also wanted a sibling for her too. It also makes it hard when your child says to you “Where did your baby go Mummy? Did you lose it?” …. It becomes a loss for more than just the parent when you have other children.
I hope you get the baby you are wishing for and you don’t have to suffer any more xx
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Rachel, don’t feel guilty. You want what you want, and you can’t help that. The only thing I wish for you, is that whenever your journey ends, you can find peace within yourself, and happiness with your children. Miscarriage and infertility is an indescribable pain.
I’ve had 3 failed IVF cycles and two miscarriages over 4 years. I’m not a parent yet, but I haven’t given up. I want what I want.
Just one child. That’s all. Please God let it be my turn soon.
Bless you all x
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Your story strikes very close to home for me – I had 2 healthy children but desperately wanted a third to complete my family. I also suffered 3 miscarriages, the 3rd one being the most traumatic. The doctor I had at the time (we were living overseas) told me that I should be grateful to have 2 healthy children. This didn’t sit well with me, because who was he to tell me how many children I should have. I continued to try for the 3rd baby, to no avail. When we finally moved back home, I went to see another obstetrician, and told her what had been happening. She said to me “3 children is a lovely family! There is no reason medically why you can’t have a third’ She sent me home to track my cycle for 3 months and to come back and see her. In the meantime, I decided if I couldn’t have a 3rd child, since the other 2 were now at school, I would go back and study something I had always wanted to do. To cut a long story short at the end of 3 months when I went back to the obstetrician with my failed cycle tracking, she said “You are probably pregnant” – she did an ultrasound and confirmed it. What a wonderful surprise, and when I was least expecting it. Once my third baby was born, I knew my family was complete. I think that giving my self another focus (the study) maybe took my mind off the obsession with getting pregnant. I really hope you are able to refocus and ultimately get your dream 3rd child.
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This is the first time I have been pregnant and found out at my 10 week scan there was heartbeat, I went from being so excited to utterly devastated. I also have a cyst on my ovary, which doctors think needs to be removed surgically, but will have to wait 8 weeks after d&c, I want to try again and not worry about the cyst, I just want that feeling of holding my baby. But do I wait? I do or try to conceive straight after d&c. I don’t think it is selfish at all to want another baby I can just imagine what joy it will bring you,
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I speak to a lot of women who have been through this private agony.. I recently had a miscarriage myself, and I drew a huge amount of solace from women who had been in your position. Each time i asked.. how did you carry on? how did you find the courage to try again? how did you bear it? They have all said they carried on because they told themselves that there was something not right with the baby, and so it was I guess, inevitable.. and then later, if medical issues were found (ie autoimmune, or hormone imbalance) then the hope that came from answers gave them the strength to continue. I have thought exactly what you think – am I being selfish if I try again? But a wise woman told me that you’r never selfish to want a baby, it is a desire born out of love, and a longing that never goes away. There may be answers you can find with the help of a good doctor.. but there might not be. You might never know – why you. Take the time to heal and mourn, talk to a doctor, be kind to yourself, these losses are a part of you now and it’s tough to adjust to that. Much love.
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Never greedy for wanting one more, it is your body and your life. I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
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*hugs*
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If I hadn’t miscarried my second baby, I’d be baking their 1st birthday cake this weekend.
Instead of the candle on that cake, I’ll be lighting a very different candle for my 3rd baby, who I lost a year ago.
My fourth baby is nine weeks old. I will never stop missing those other two babies, but if either of them had lived, my little girl wouldn’t be in my arms right now. I can’t imagine my life without her – even with all the pain and loss I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m so sorry for your losses. You are not greedy wanting more. It is not your fault. It’s just all so bittersweet. I pray you will be blessed with the baby that you want, and if not, that the ones you have will bring you all the joy of another child, and more.
big hugs xo
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I’m so sorry for your loss
I have been in your shoes and its heart wrenching..
Just take one day at a time and i think its ok to feel the range of emotions that come with this.
Take care
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Rachel, first of all, I send a huge hug to you xx
I still don’t know how I made it through that pregnancy, I was petrified the whole time that something bad would happen, but I now have my 2 year old daughter and she is amazing 
I was unsure to have any more children after her, with thoughts like ‘count my blessings, she is healthy, lucky to have one’ going through my mind. but I thought I would just ‘see what happened’….and I have just had my third miscarriage, discovered at the 12 week scan, this has been the worst of them all…. with all the blood tests and medical intervention, 2 d&cs…. if I was 10 years younger I might consider trying again, but I am now 35, and think my time is running out and I am pushing my luck, my husband has also said ‘no more!’ and I think the last miscarriage has really affected him, but I too, still have that yearning for another child. So you are not alone, I wish I had some words of wisdom but sadly I don’t. Most of my friends think ‘you get pregnant, and then have a baby!’ and yes lucky for them that has been true, but sadly for alot of us it is not the way it happens 
Just wanted to say.. again…that you are not alone xx its such a frustrating situation to be in, but you are not alone xx big hugs xx
I feel your pain as I am in almost the exact same position right now.
I have one child, a daughter, conceived after 3 years of trying and 2 miscarriages
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Rachel,
I am so sorry for your loss. I too have had a miscarriage, a couple of years ago now, but still feel the loss of that little person every day. We have since been blessed with a miracle ivf son, but the pain of losing our firsy child is still so raw. I have struggled with my grief on my own, those closest to me (even my husband) seem to think that when the tears stop flowing the pain is gone. ive never felt so alone. So, yes we need to be thankful for our surviving children, but we also continue to grieve. Be kind to yourself, and take it one moment at a time. Only you know if and when you can try again. i hope for courage and strength for us all. xx
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you stop when you know your heart can’t bear it any more…and you just know when that is…I did
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I just wanted to say a giant THANKYOU to everyone who has posted. I sat here yesterday & cried for me, for you, for our families & for all the little people we will never hold.
I reached out to MM because I didnt know where else to turn. This time around I told nobody, hubby told my sister cause he was so excited & she is such a huge part of our lives he wanted her to know.Eventually this week I have told 2 people cause they could tell something was off with me. They have been great but I felt the over riding desire to connect with someone who has been in my shoes, has felt the pain, the anger, the unbearable sorrow of losing your dreams because thats what happens each time your get a positive pregnanct test- your dreams leap out & start to show you how your life could be, how it will change your world. Even though this time I tried really hard to keep it all in check I could not stop these dreams from forming in my mind. I couldnt stop myself from seeing my husbands face when he held our new baby. I couldnt stop from seeing my youngest sons face when I told him he would FINALLY be the big brother he has wanted to be. I coudnt stop myself from being happy.
I’m still undecided as to what we will do next. One part of me is not willing to give up, Im a determined person, but the other part of me doesnt want to do THIS again. I feel I lose a little piece of my faith & positivity each time it has happened & I dont want it to go all together.
So again thankyou MM community, thankyou MM for allowing me the chance to connect with others. It helped, it really did xx
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i’ve had two.
The first time at 19, i didn’t even know i was pregnant. I found a clot of blood in the toilet, freaked out, went to the doctor who told me that i had miscarried. I was in shock that i was pregnant but i didn’t feel anything else.
The second time at 22 i knew i was pregnant and i was freaking out thinking what was i going to do. I felt too young to be a parent and didn’t even want to be a parent. The thought of being a parent made me nauseous.
My partner and i discussed it and decided to abort but it never came to that because i miscarried once more.
To say that i was relieved would be an understatement.
It’s hard when it does occasionally come up in conversation to respond the way people expect me to respond when i haven’t and still don’t feel grief or upset about the situation.
The scary thing was that i always use two forms of contraception and at both times, both forms failed.
I generally don’t like talking about it because i didn’t have the reaction that the majority of people have when it happens to them. I feel guilty that i didn’t react the way i was meant to even though i know that is ridiculous. But a few people have made me feel terrible for not being more upset so it’s easier to just pretend that it meant more to me than it did.
I do feel for all the people out there where miscarriages cause so much pain and heartache because it must be a truly awful thing to want something so much, to have it, then to lose it.
http://www.xxxmissvxxx.wordpress.com
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I never knew how common miscarriage is before I started reading MM. It is truly terrifying. My heart goes out to all you brave ladies and I hope you all find peace, in whatever form that may take.
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2 girls, 4 miscarriages and then a boy!
Rachel, you have to go on (either chosing to try again or chosing to be content with 2 children) because there really is no other choice.
How do you go on?
You bunker down, you be patient, you be gentle with yourself, you love your partner and your friends, you hug your children and you go in and look at your sleeping children every single night (filling yourself with love and gratitude) and slowly slowly your sense of wellbeing returns and your resilent self gradually reappears.
Its not your fault, just like having the children you already have is not to your credit. Some things just ARE; the good, the bad and the indifferent and we all just have to muddle through life coping with what comes our way.
Best of luck- be nice to yourself
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Hi Rachel I’m sorry for your loss, reading your story brought me to tears, for you and for me too..
11 years and 7 miscarriages later my husband and I still aren’t parents but we are surrounded by wonderful kids. I haven’t had the opportunity to be the mum I dreamed of being but somehow I’ve found a way to leave the grief, pain, jealousy and despair behind (I might sound a little casual but it wasn’t an easy road).
Having just celebrated my 40th birthday I took the opportunity to reflect and I realised that although I’m not a mum, the kids in my life are wonderful and love me unconditionally and I have a really special bond with them, When I first became an aunty and god mother , I thought is was second prize but over the years I’ve come to love it and these days I’m a bit of a baby whisperer … which is pretty funny, I’ve certainly come a long way from hating EVERYBODY with a pram.
Rachel, certainly love the little ones you have and don’t forget your husband too, don’t give up the dream (unless you are ready to).
I thought I’d never be happy without kids but I have the most wonderful husband and friends and family who love how much I love their kids, I’m also now enjoying the freedom of being child free (but early on in my journey I hated people telling me about my freedom – all I wanted was to be up to my elbows in nappies and be sleep deprived!!!)
Finally, although I’m pretty happy with my life I still have some unfulfilled wishes… on the more frivolous end of the scale they are things such as choosing a pram and baby clothes and on the more serious side, naming my child and being called mum. The last hurdle for me is getting over not being able to see my husband being a dad because he would be totally awesome .. but as I watch a close friend of mine slowly die with MND I know in my heart that although my dreams may not have been realised I’m still a very lucky and loved girl.
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Hey tash- you are a mum- to those 7 angels. The moment you conceive you become parents- that’s why it’s so hard when you lose them. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to realise your dream, but it does sound like you are the best aunt ever, and I bet those kids are the luckiest kids for having someone in their lives that loves them so much. See I am a liitle bit in rachels position and struggling to conceive #3. on the one hand I am so sad that I may not get this baby I desperately want then am guilt ridden that I already have 2 wonderful kids and that many others would love to be in my shoes and have the problem I have. I sometimes think that I should be even more grateful bcos they were conceived thru ivf and so many other ivf’ers out there aren’t so lucky. Anyway I am glad u have found peace – you sound like an amazing woman xx
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9 miscarriages and 1 beautiful son.
Take it one day at a time. And when that is too hard take it minute by minute. But never ever blame yourself, it’s never your fault
xxxxxxxx
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Whenever I read the word miscarriage I tune in. I have had 5 miscarriages and have 2 children. I miscarried 4 times and then had my children and then I miscarried again and have now called it quits my dream of 3 children is not to be. You will know when to quit, you feel it instinctively and by the sounds of it you are not there yet. How do you get through it??? I wish I had the words to explain, I will try.
1. You grieve your children, buy them a gift, write them a letter, give them a name. Acknowledge each pregnancy for the individual person created.
2. You give your self time and be kind to yourself. You will have days that are too much to bear and then days that seem easier. More and more the easier days outweigh the tough ones. You cannot rush this.
3. You view every pregnancy as a new life and beginning and in know way affected by the previous loss.
I hope this helps in some small way.
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I’ve never experienced pregnancy or a miscarriage, but my cousin is pregnant with her 6th child & she’s had more miscarriages than she’s had kids. She had miscarriages in between her 1st & 2nd child & her 2nd child was a twin but the other baby died, she discovered that she couldn’t carry girls. She continued to lose a set of twin girls & then conceived twin boys (her 3rd & 4th child). There were other miscarriages but I can’t remember where they were.
She had her tubes tied after 4 boys & split up with her partner, she was in her middle 20′s.
She then met her current partner, who had no children, she had her tubes untied but didn’t think she would conceive again, luckily she did have a beautiful healthy girl in her 30′s, but 2 years later had a miscarriage & got pregnant again with about 2 weeks in between. So she thought she was pregnant, was told it was a miscarriage then discovered she was pregnant again. I was the only person who knew & I know it took a huge toll on her. This pregnancy is going well.
With some of her children she had gestational diabetes & with some she didn’t.
My point, though it was a rather long one, is that sometimes it’s a complete random hit & miss. She had numerous miscarriages but from the outside she appears to have perfectly healthy pregnancies & mostly healthy pregnancies. But from the inside I’ve seen how harrowing it’s been. I don’t know how she deals with it, just that she kept trying until she decided she was finished which is after this baby.
Hope this helps, x
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I too lost 4 pregnancies (2 miscarriages, 2 ectopics). At the time, an old school friend was fighting cancer. I’d fall apart with each one but on those days when I felt I couldn’t get out of bed, I’d think of him and I’d tell myself that right now, he’d want to swap places with me as would thousands of others, as what they are facing is even worse. I’d remind myself I’m not dying (although my heart felt like it was) and that i need to keep positive. So to do that, I made myself the centre of my attention. I gave myself permission to resent pregnant people (in my head) and to stop feeling guilty about it, I had massages, I didn’t go to social things if I didn’t feel up to it, I did absolutely anything that was looking after my well being. I wanted to punch the next person that told me I just needed to relax but had to remind myself that they were just trying to help. Then we got lucky and our fifth pregnancy stuck and we now have a gorgeous little boy. For me, I kept trying straight away and the only thing that kept me going was the hope the next one would result in a baby. And I kept reminding myself that even though I desperately wanted to have a baby, there are a lot on the planet that would love me to look after them so we could try and adopt a child to love too. There are no right ways to deal with pregnancy loss, you need to do whatever feels right for you. And don’t feel guilty – about anything. It’s bitter sweet when others are pregnant around you so it’s possible to be happy for them while resenting them at the same time – totally normal they have what you are desperate for. And there are so many things that can go wrong with the human body and conception, all of which is out of your hands so don’t feel like its your fault, that will send you crazy. I became obsessed about everything thinking if I looked in the wrong direction it would make me miscarry but it was out of my control.
Look after yourself, and I’m glad to hear you have a loving supportive partner. He must love you so much to suggest to stop trying so he doesn’t have to see you upset. It’s in times like this the strength of our relationships really shines through. I hope some happiness can return to you soon.
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Hey Rachel,
Hang in there. Or try to. I had two miscarriages in a row – one at 18 weeks and one at 6 weeks many years later which felt like the first one was happening all over again.
It’s a strange, lonely, mind-bending time. I’m sure everyone around you who has been trying to make you feel better has said how ‘lucky’ you are to have two healthy kids ‘already’ (and you are!) but lucky is the last thing you feel.
Two things are actually good about having a miscarriage after having kids (if ‘good’ is the right word which it probably isn’t).
1. you have physical proof that your body CAN do this. In your case x2.
2. Your kids anchor you in the real world and stop you from disappearing down the grief hole…..
Hang in there Rachel. Have faith.
xxxxxx
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I agree with Mia’s last point – people who already have children and suffer miscarriages have them to stop themselves from sinking too far into the grief – not that it doesn’t still happen to some people because it does.
I’ve seen so many of my childless online mates who have nothing to show for years upon years of ttc but loss after loss and they have nothing to anchor themselves onto, to stop from falling into the black hole that is grief and depression.
And while I’m not minimising your grief at not being able to conceive and carry a third child – imagine how much you’d be struggling now if you had NO children, if you were dealing with the aftermath of your miscarriages with empty arms?
When it all gets too much and the grief feels like it’s going to consume you, go and hug your children, there is no quicker way to stand up to grief and send it packing than immersing yourself in the GOOD of your life.
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Anonymous – thankyou for your honesty.
For those who struggle or miscarry that already have children I am sure their pain is terrible …i would never want to discount this….however … I do often feel that they are not appreciative of the wonderful gift(s) they have already been given in their children …. the joy, tears, smiles, laughter, fun and hard work each and every day.. which brings soo much satisfaction and meaning (i would assume..) should inspire them to keep going and that it is all worth it…
For those of us who dont have children (yet) ..I feel this process is much harder..
Rachael – you and your husband appear very strong… keep it up and I hope that 2012 will bring you all that you have dreamed of and deserve!
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Thanks everyone for sharing your stories… 5 months ago I had a D&C at 12 weeks pregnant after discovering at my 12 week scan (supposedly the happy day when u share the good news with ur friends ) that my little bub had Anencephaly. It is a neural tube defect – essentially the babys brain has not developed properly and would not survive outside of the womb… It was the most harrowing day of my life. Apparently in Australia 1 in 1000. ..
After trying to conceive for years and enduring 7 cycles of IVF we were (and are) absolutely shattered. We thought things were finally coming together. There are no answers.
I can not imagine going through this again..I do not know how I would cope..
The pain does ease a little however the sadness remains…each and every day in a different way..somehow we just need to keep our eyes on the prize and find new strength and optimism.
While we are living in the world…trying to keep up relationships, family and friends, a job ..keep a marriage together……….it seems the everyone around you is falling pregnant – at work, friends, family and in the media…you cant escape it !!
The support/ reassurance that you are not alone from stories like these and forums are so important – thankyou for sharing and keep strong..
Romy, xx
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Romy,
Yours is such a sad story. I hope you and your husband have your dreams come true in the very near future. Your optimism and strength are inspiring. Hopefully another pregnancy is just around the corner, and you can move past the fear and into a family.
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Rachel
So sorry for your losses.
I myself had two miscarriages and now have 1 child.
My advice would be to wait til you feel ready to try again, don’t try and rush to get pregnant again.
But most importantly, don’t let gp’s in particular fob you off. Insist on testing if you haven’t had it already and see an obstetrician or some other specialist to interpret the results and get you on the right track if needed.
A trusted doctor who i knew i could ring and see same day if needed and regular appointments and scans early on really helped me. as did marking off each and every day i got thru and was still pregnant…
Wishing you lots of luck.
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thank you so much for sharing your story and giving others like you the forum to share theirs too. There are so many stories out there no only of grief and loss but also of strength.
it was hearing stories like these that gave me the strength to keep going after 2 miscarriages and 2 failed IVF attempts. Just when I thought I was at my lowest I would hear or read of something that someone else was going though and think “well I can get through my stuff too”.
the most horrible thing for me was actually falling pregnant. The anxiety and fear that I have and still have for my daughter (now 13mths old) was with me every day. I’d have a checkup and be reassured and then as the days or weeks went by my anxiety would increase. By the time my next appointment came around I would be convinced that they would put the doppler on my stomach and tell me they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was sure that I wouldn’t take a baby home with me and that I would have baby gear that was never needed.
we did get to take home a beautiful baby girl and she continues to be the light of our lives. I still don’t think myself or my husband entirely trust that she is here to stay. I can’t buy clothes for her for next season in case I jinx myself.
I think that is the worst thing and the thing most don’t understand about miscarriages: the pain, loss, grief and fear never go away…you just learn to live and function with those things as a backdrop.
but somewhere in all that you have to find hope. Just a small speck if that’s all that’s you can manage. It keeps us going and believing that somehow things will be ok and will work out the way they are supposed to.
one other thing-check in with your partner/husband from time to time and check he’s ok. Yes, they may not go through the physical aspects as we do, but they feel the loss as much as us. Loss for all the things that could have been and won’t be. And so often they feel that their job is to be strong for us and so they ignore their own feelings. Its important that they have the opportunity to grieve and express that too.
I wish you all the best for whatever your future holds.
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Hello all,
I have never been pregnant but I felt compelled to pass on some information which may just be relevant and helpful for many of you. My sister-in-law has had two miscarriages and I plan to give her this information too.
I recently tested positive to a relatively common genetic defect called MTHFR – I’m homozygous for the defect which means I have two copies of the defect – which is worse than being heterozygous.
The gene is responsible for helping along the conversion of dietary folate and folate supplements to the active version of folate that the body actually needs to function.
When I did reading about the implications of this, I discovered many women are finding they have the defect and it is a likely cause of their miscarriages.
This article explains it quite well and discusses how the defect is not recognised by all doctors as being a cause of miscarriage. http://miscarriage.about.com/od/thrombophiliadisorders/i/mthfr.htm
If one does have the mutation then they have much difficulty in converting folate to the active form. If the person is homozygous for the defect, then they need to take the activated form of folate not the usual type.
For anyone thinking of getting checked, the test is about $50 or so. It’s important to get both main defects tested – C667T and A1298T.
Another area for possible investigation is progesterone.
Best wishes
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the other investigation is for clotting disorders that can be treated with a daily dose of aspirin
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We have been ttc for 11 years and have had losses into the double figures.
I have been told to “try” fostering, give adoption “a go” and to just “accept” that some people aren’t meant to be parents, this has also been followed by a “you just need to get over it” comment.
So many do not see what we have lost as tangible and so cannot understand why I grieve, not only for our losses but for the loss of the life we thought we would have.
I have no advice in how to go on trying and having hope despite doing it for so long myself but I do want to encourage you to feel what you’re feeling as it’s natural and also to grieve what you might not be able to have if you don’t manage to have another baby.
I also want to say – scoop the children you do have, up in your arms and love the hell out of them because you DO have them – some of us, like myself, have to grieve all our losses and do so with empty arms, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I wish you nothing but luck xxx
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My only advice is to remember to continue to nurture your relationship with your husband, no matter your ultimate decision re more children. After two successful pregnancies, then two miscarriages, our marriage was thoroughly tested. Four years and numerous relationship counselling sessions later, we’re all ok. Every now and then I still mourn the third child I longed for, but our focus has to be on the health of our relationship as a family.
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I am just finnishing my first MC it was my first
Pregnancy! It happened saturday and i was 12w 5d we were told bub had passed around 8-10 weeks, we were informed friday and it happened saturday!
Never in my life have i felt so empty, nor have i ever felt so much love for something! Im 22 and have been with my partner for almost 6 years, he is struggeling nore than i, and it seems males get forgotten about in this situation!
To you ladies who try try again, credit to you i cant wait to try again but my fear is huge and i worry that the stress this has caused will carry on into the new pregnancy and cause troubles!
I had an abnormal natural MC i lost over 1L of blood in about 3 hours, so instead o grieving i have to concentrate on my health for now!
I woke one day feeling as though i had reason, as if i had a purpose worth working towards! Now i feel as though i have nothing!
Feeling all your pain today! Never want to experience it ever again!
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I have lost 3 babies. My daughter to SIDS, and 2 miscarriages (6 weeks and 13 weeks) this was all in the space of 7 months. I got angry, I blamed myself, I blamed my (now ex) husband.
And then I waited. Waited until it was the right time. My gut told me when that was… For me it was 6 months after the last miscarriage and 13 months after my daughter died
I am so grateful to have had another daughter, loosing her still terrifies me, and she’s 3. The fear of the loss and pain and grief for me will never go away.
I greive for the plans, the hopes and the dreams every time Ive lost a dear angel.
*Rachel, I have no pearls of wisdom for you. Just know you can only do what you can do. If you can’t face the possibility of another loss then for now don’t try. Reassess in 6m, a yr… 18m even. Don’t force it though.
I found out later from the drs that our bodies release eggs that can’t bs fertilized properly at times of extreme stress. They believe that’s the cause of my first miscarriage. My DD had only passed 3 months prior. So as someone above said, sometimes nature is trying to look after us too
Thinking of you xxx
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You’re absolutely not greedy for wanting more. Every family has the right to decide what the right family size for them. And you really have done nothing wrong…. please don’t feel guilty about this.
My story: I fell pregnant, at 37, literally the first time hubby and I had unprotected sex. 9 months later after a problem-free pregnancy we had a beautiful, perfect baby girl. I felt like a fertility goddess!
Then, because of my advancing age, we decided to try for a fairly close spacing between kids. Again fell pregnant in no time, but this time, I miscarried at 7 weeks. What? Wait, that wasn’t part of the plan! Then it took a few months to fall pregnant again. Every time I got my period I got more and more concerned. Where had the fertility goddess gone? I did fall again a few months later, but again miscarried at around the 7-8 week mark. This time I was really devastated. Going through all those thoughts about whether I should have just been grateful for my one beautiful daughter, that now at 39 it was probably all over.
But I think once you decide to try to conceive a baby, from that moment you are invested in increasing the size of your family. So I decided I would keep trying, and if it hadn’t worked by time I was 40 I would reconsider. Again it took a several months, but finally fell pregnant again. This time I insisted my Dr send me for a dating scan as I’d heard if they get a heartbeat at around 7 weeks the chances of miscarrying are dramatically reduced. We got the heartbeat, and we ended up wih another beautiful baby girl.
As for how to not give up hope… (this may not be right for everyone, but it really worked for me) I kept focusing on how much of a miracle a perfectly healthy baby is: take 1 egg, which has been living inside me since I was in my mother’s womb, add one sperm, then start dividing, becoming more and more specialised in function. If there is any error in that process, from a genetic coding issue in my aging eggs, to a problem with hubby’s sperm, to something just randomly going wrong with the multiplying, dividing and specialising process, all manner of problems can result. So then I started to be grateful for the ‘natural selection’ process that was going on inside me, where the body, in the very early stages of the fetal process, decides that something in the recipe hasn’t quite worked. And I will be honest: I’d rather nature making that decision for me than being told during screening and testing that there is a problem.
So I grieved for those little souls, but I’d like to believe that had they survived, this world would have been too hard for them in those bodies, and they’re better off trying again with a better body (for this part it helps to believe in reincarnation!)
Hope this helps, just a little…
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I think that’s a fantastic way to look at such a tragic event. I’m also in this exclusive club and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. This kind of thinking definitely helped me through but for some reason I saw it like designing a machine (weird now that I think about it! I like the idea of a recipe much better)…that there was a glitch in the programming so it terminated.
Not to say I wasn’t completely and utterly devastated but yes, our body is doing it’s job which is pretty amazing.
Good luck Rachel. It must be so tough but I think it sounds like you’ve already made the decision to keep trying. I know someone who had several miscarriages in a row and it turned out she was low in progesterone…anyway, I’m sure you’re being medically looked after and don’t need my shots in the dark.
Just good luck, I really hope it works out for you. xx
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Sharon, thank you. That has made me feel better after two miscarriages in just over a year. Such a great way to look at it and I know your comments will help other women.
All the best.
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I know this is an old post but I just miscarried on Monday and came to mamamia to try and find some articles and hopefully some strength from someone’s story. Thank you Sharon so much for your philosophy about our baby’s little souls. I have read it over and over (and probably will for a while!).
I was 6 weeks and 3 days preg and only had a dating scan the week before and everything was fine. It truly has to be up there with one of the shittiest feelings on earth but I haven’t given up hope xxx
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wishing you strength at this awful time. xxxx
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I have had three miscarriages too, all within a space of a year and a half. Myself and my husband did all the tests in the world and we were told it was just bad luck. We also tried three round of IVF with no luck. We were just about to give up when my beautiful cousin said that if you want something so badly, no matter how painful, don’t give up. She said if you are even thinking of what to do, then you still have that longing and if your strong enough to keep going then keep going. We did, and by some incredibly miracle the very next month we were pregnant are now 10 weeks and all looks good. It is tough as every day I think about what may go wrong, but I just keep thinking of what we can get at the end.
We also have one daughter already and people kept telling us how lucky we are to have her. Although we know that and count our blessings every day, it does not take away the pain of waiting another child. People who have not gone through it just don’t understand.
I wish you all the very best.
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Rachel, I cannot begin to imagine your pain and am so sorry for your losses.
Some of the best advice I have ever been given by my mum, when I asked her how she continued on after having 7 miscarriages before, between and after her surviving children, was this – When you look back in ten or fifteen years what will you regret more, trying for more or not? Will the pain of perhaps wishing you had tried again outweigh the pain of the loss now?
My mum said that she knew she would always regret not trying for more children, despite the pain of her miscarriages. She now has four grown up daughters and for her it was worth the struggles. The advice she gave me was vital in my decision to have a second baby after difficulty with my first pregnancy due to a heart condition, and is something that will be a part of my decision of when, or if, to try and have a third,
Wishing you all the best for peace within yourself wherever this road may take you.
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I have had 3 miscarriages, 3 failed IVF’s, and one healthy girl. I love my child, but ache for another. I have been on clomid on and off this yr to try for another, but realise at 39, with my history, I am probably shit out of luck. I so feel for u, u don’t understnd unless u have been there, it destroys you, eats away at your life. At the moment i am trying to convince myself one child is fine, as for a while i didn’t even think i would have her. Doesn’t make me want another less, but i have to try something.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
I don’t know if you are a God person but it may help your grieving process to have some kind of ceremony to mourn your lost babies. It doesn’t have to be public (or religious for that matter) but I know any good priest will try and help with this without trying any conversion crap. If you want to know any more about this let me know and the mm people can connect us up.
God Bless.
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I experienced 5 miscarriages and the loss of twins at 24 weeks after birth, all before I brought home my miracle baby 4 years later. It was the most traumatic, heartbreaking road I’ve ever been on, scorched by depression, minimal support and no answers as to why I was miscarrying. And yes the self blame and feelings of failure were rife within. But, my desire to bring home a healthy baby always outweighed the pain. I refused to let that flicker of hope burn out completely but it was very hard work. It’s such a personal decision to make because so many facets come into it after recurrent loss.I guess it really depends on how strong a desire you would like to have another baby, the support you have around you, and your emotional strength. I found that naming my babies, running a charity (Bears Of Hope), planting a flower/tree, writing in a journal, and chatting to other mums online have been very helpful in my journey. I wish you gentleness in your days and if you decide to try again, a beautiful baby to bring home. xx
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Rachel, I am sorry for your losses. I too know the pain of miscarriage. My husband and I lost 5 babies over 11 years thru 4 micarriages and 1 still born daughter, it was all just too cruel. I gave up trying as I couldnt cope with any more grieving and pain. My husband never gave up – at the age of 43 we had a healthy and happy litlle boy. Since that time I have discovered SIDS & Kids who provide volunteer telephone (a 1800 number in your state) parent support 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They talk to and support parents who have lost babies and children from conception to 12 years. I only wish I had known about them when I was going through our losses as there is a lot of support in a shared experience. Best wishes for your future.
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would it help to look at this?
http://healthybabycode.com/signup
it’s nutrition for maximum fertility. I apologise if it’s inappropriate, I just thought it might be helpful to offer alternate avenues to try to help you conceive.
It must be devastating to lose a baby, and I can’t even imagine the pain you must be going through. My mother had 2 miscarriages before any children, and it nearly broke my parents’ marriage. Then she had three children, and then an ectopic pregnancy which miscarried and was told she would never have any more, but had one last suprise baby. Good things will, and do happen. They may not be the things that you plan for but they will be what you need to get by. You have to focus on the good things you have, the love you feel and the love you receive.
My heart goes out to you. Hoping you get some peace and happiness.
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Deep breath….
I am so sorry for your losses Rachel and I feel your pain. Unless you’ve experienced it, it’s difficult to fathom the loss and pain you feel. Husbands and partners try to empathise but find it almost impossible.
I’ve had 9 miscarriages and I know how you are feeling – the hoplessness, the despair, the emptiness, the hurt and the guilt. Its a raw open wound that feels like no one else in the world could understand – but there’s lots of us out here who do.
Please try to pick yourself up and try again. It’s an impossible thought right now but you will want to try again to achieve another healthy pregnancy. You are not selfish for wanting more children at all…. I am exactly like you – have 2 kids but would have loved more (my time ran out….)
I wish you a beautiful and healthy pregnancy….
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Thankyou for sharing…9 miscarriages is unimaginable, you must be such a strong person. At the moment I am so scared to even think about it because i know if I try & fail again I will be broken. At the moment my 2 boys are keeping me together, they have no idea it has happened again, they think i have a tummy bug….I want to be hopeful but right now I dot feel strong enough to mentally go through it….
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I have had two miscarriages in between having my two children and it was all those things you described. I also felt like it was too much to cope with so we stopped trying until we were both ready again.
I know about the impatience to have another child but sometimes giving yourself time is the best thing.
Best of luck
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As someone who has had two devastating miscarriages, I decided that I did not have the emotional make-up to put myself through the process of trying and possibly loosing a pregnancy again. I also knew that emotionally I would not cope with IVF. (I have depression – well controlled with medication, diet and exercise). Instead I chose to be thankful for the one healthy child that I have. I haven’t looked back since. My life is blessed.
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This is weird. I have just started miscarrying again today
. I also miscarried in May earlier this year. Both of these days through my tears I log on to mamamia to try and distract my mind and both times the first discussions up have been about miscarriage. Rachel*, I too have another daughter but am desperate for another child. My first one this year sent me into a spiral of depression, which I finally came out of and was ready to try again. Alas, I fell pregnant again 7 weeks ago. I have been an anxious mess since I found out a few weeks ago. I can’t believe I’m losing two in a row. I’m absolutely devastated right now. We had just started telling people I was pregnant again in the last few days. I really don’t want to spiral into despair again, and like you am terrified of going all through this all again. Right now I think I’m numb with shock but am worried how I’m going to be in the coming days. i have no answers…
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I am right there with you. It just breaks you. I too became very depressed after my second one earlier this year & only in the last few months had I felt myself returning to normal. When I seen the two lines on the test I was so positive & hopeful & now I am right back wher I was. I didnt tell anyone this time, I thought I would jinx it, thats why I turned here because I needed an outlet. I needed to hear from people who have been where I am, to know there is a light…..Lets hope we both find our light xx
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Thankyou Rachel*. I think the hardest thing is trying to rid yourself of guilt. I started trying for a second child at 36. I have now just turned 37 and had my daughter when I was 32. I’m feeling like it is my fault and that I waited too long to start trying for the second and now I’m having miscarriages because I am too old. The pain is so horiffic. I hate that I have to go back to the hospital in the morning and sit with all the happy pregnant mum’s whilst having everything checked out. It just makes it all so much more painful.
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I am so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my first baby boy at 21 weeks and it was the most difficult time in my life. I have learned from that experience that it is important to grieve as every loss no matter how far along your pregnancy was is a loss of life. It might help to go see a grief counceller or maybe joining a support group as nothing compares to chatting to people who will understand what you’re going through. I now have a beautiful 14 month old son who brings so much joy to my life. Don’t give up if it feels right. Sending you hugs…you are not alone and all your thoughts and feelings are justified….god knows how much blame, shame and loneliness I felt when I lost my first. x
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I have two gorgeous, healthy, happy kids yet yearned for a third very very much. I thought I hit the jackpot when I fell pregnant with twins earlier this year.
At 10 weeks I lost them and it was the most devestating, crushing feeling that I’ve ever experienced..
Of course everyone was trying to be helpful and supportive but no one can understand the private hell that you are going though. I thought I would smack the next person that well intentionally said “that maybe it’s for the best” and that “You can always try again”. Comments like these didn’t make me feel better. I rather have someone say nothing then to say overused cliches.
I knew that I couldn’t go through another miscarriage, so through lots of talking my hubby had a vasectomy. I will always grieve for my angels especially as their due date is drawing closer. I chose to concentrate all my energies on the two amazing kids that I have and think that it wasn’t meant to be.
You have to do only what is right for you, your partner and your family. No one else can understand or should have a say in it.
Wishing you the best in the future and a big hug for the pain that you are going through now.
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All I know is that nobody really knows or understands unless they have been through it.
Husbands are wonderful, fantastic and supportive.. but they don’t really understand.. Friends, family all beautiful and knowing they are thinking of us is lovely, but they don’t get it.
Its private until you talk to someone who has gone through the same thing or read about other women going through the same thing, and a little part of you somehow feels better that your not alone.
Time has made it less painful and we are very lucky and will never take for granted our two beautiful children.
But I always will think of the twins we lost..they would be six in december and I still think of them.. and what life would be like with them in our family today.
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Brenda,
Thank you for saying this on behalf of all 50 000 of us.
As a childless 36 year old woman who is in the middle of her 3rd miscarriage this year, it makes me feel a little better that there are woman who come out the other end of this tunnel of despair as mothers.
X
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Good luck to you too sydneyshopgirl- I hope you get your bubba soon xx
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Thanks Jane. Best of luck with your journey too!
xxx
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Rachel, I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had some gentle wisdom to offer, but I can only say I’m thinking of you and you are not alone. I lost my first pregnancy. I can’t imagine your (and others’) pain in going through that multiple times. Wanting to scream and cry and yell is perfectly natural.
I do think that maybe now is not the time for either yourself or your husband to try and decide about continuing to try for another baby. Just let yourselves grieve this little one. There are times when its difficult enough to cope with what is happening now. That will ease, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself.
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Bowerbird I think your reply is so right. I have had 4 miscarriages and also 2 healthy children. I would love to have 1or 2 more but it isn’t going to happen. I experienced everything Rachel has said, but i am now at peace with my lovely family and think of all the advantages of being the four of us. But it does take time and I did not feel like this after my miscarriages – I felt like Rachel does now. Rachel only you can decide when the pain of the possible bad outcome overrides the joy of a good one, but you know that grieving for your loss is needed (as painful as it is) before making that decision. As Bowerbird says, be kind to yourself and your husband too
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I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through- miscarriages are devastating. My situation is similar but different. I also have 2 girls which were conceived thru ivf. They were conceived quite easily with a miscarriage among them. Now is time for trying for #3 which I would desperately love. Things this time round are not going as planned- have had 4 failed cycles. I just went in for exploratory surgery to see if there was anything preventing pregnancy this time, and the doc found some endo which may or may not be the prob. I don’t know if I’ve always had it or it’s something new since my last baby. Anyway all I can suggest is go to a good obgyn and get all the tests run if u haven’t already. And as you are doing, get support through the miscarriage community out there- people that have never been through it don’t really understand. I am facing the possibility that it might not happen for me either, but I have resolved to pick myself up and keep going until I feel I can’t do it anymore- I don’t want to wake up in my 40′s when it’s too late and regret that I didn’t give it my all. I wish you all the best xx
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