Holidays with kids – an oxymoron.
by JIM UNWIN
5.09AM SATURDAY MORNING – DAY 1 OF HOLIDAYS.
Those fucking Kookaburras. I love nature. I love wildlife. I love kookaburras. Just not at 5.09am on the 1st full day of holidays, with a 5 month old asleep in our bathroom, and 2 year old asleep across the backyard (i’ll get to that story in a sec).
My wife, son and baby daughter, and I arrived at our digs yesterday afternoon. It’s beautiful. When the kids stop screaming, you can hear the faint crashing of waves in the distance. When we’re not changing nappies, you can smell the sea air. And those fucking kookaburras keep laughing at us.
Why do we, and so many families like us, pack up our whole lives, to go on a beach holiday? Life would be so much easier, and relaxing, if we just stayed at home, and went on day trips.This “holiday” started for me at 10am on Thursday morning, when I left Sydney at the wheel of a loaded up fake four wheel drive, for the 11 hour road trip to Byron Bay. My wife and kids are flying Friday morning for a rendevous at Ballina/Byron airport. (I don’t surf, and my wife doesn’t smoke pot – there’s nothing alternative about our lifestyle – so we may as well be holidaying in Dubbo, but anyway, I digress.)
Packing the car is a particular sense of pride for any self respecting Aussie bloke, and it seems the duty of every Aussie wife is to interrupt, with last minute items; bags, a pram, a hair dryer and sports bras. Sports Bras! (I don’t want a sports bra blowing round the car and; landing across my face, as I tear up the highway, with the windows down, reliving my youth!).Anyway, on this “holiday”, we are taking 1 tub of toys, 1 portacot, 1 sterilizer, 1 breast pump (the industrial kind), 1 bouncer, 1 pram, 1 trike, 2 massive boxes of nappies the list goes on.. I’m lucky to fit in a change of clothes and my budgysmugglers.
Family beach holidays are nothing like this.
Let me make it clear at this point, apart from the lack of timing in my wife’s delivery of said items to the back of the car for packing, I am completely in awe of her. We do need all this stuff – really. She has planned this holiday meticulously. But it does make me think whether it would have been easier to put the house on the back of a flat bed semi and tow it up the highway! Remember the days of throwing a bag in the back seat, and heading north to an unplanned destination? Now that backseat has a baby capsule, a toddlers seat, and some cold, old, cheese jaffle.
Anyway, I enjoyed the solitude of the car, set for a Friday morning reunion with the family. I enjoyed that it is, until I realized that the NSW Government is finally coming good on it’s promise to build a freeway between Sydney and Brisbane – and they’re doing most of it this week!
BALLINA AIRPORT – FRIDAY MORNING.
Wife gets off the plane. From a distance her expression is already telling me “I can’t believe I agreed to do that”. Seriously, it looks like she’s seen the devil. Our two year old screamed the whole way; from take-off to touch down. Thanks to Kerry in the seat next to her, who nursed our 5 month old the whole way, so my wife could look after our boy.
Anyway, we arrive at the beach house. Beach houses, plural, would be a more accurate description. Not that it’s big – just that in a really trendy Byron way, the two bedrooms are in their own freestanding huts. My wife is now having “Maddie McCann” conniptions. I can understand where she’s coming from.
So it’s off to Byron Hire to get two baby monitors. This takes most of the afternoon, and between feeding, nappy changing, and bathing – it’s time for bed. By the way – a wrought iron free standing bath looks great on the web, but is not ideal for kids. The cherubs compete on screams for a few hours, scared out of their wits in their new surrounds. All the two year old keeps wailing is “I want to go home Daddio” (I know how you feel champ).
Finally, I settle down to the first night of finals footy. Dogs v Manly and Hawks v The Pies. Cold Beer. Comfy Couch. Perfect. 10 minutes in, the wife asks… “so don’t you want to have sex?”
Tick, tick, tick… how do I answer this one. ”Of course I do,” I say, but internally, there’s a fierce debate going on in my head – and it’s got nothing to do with my wife’s allure, more my desire for some man time. Luckily I’m saved by Foxtel IQ! (Which makes me think – what if it was the other way around, and you could record, pause and rewind your sex life).
Jim Unwin is a married father of two who is glad that VB has returned to its old recipe.
Family holidays. Discuss.
Comments
71 Comments so far
Loved this article. You had me laughing out loud at times. Can definitely relate.
Thanks for sharing!
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We have a saying in our house…holidays can’t just be “same shit with a different view”!
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Absolutely, agreed! Kids club and inexpensive babysitting … And best of all, the kids all love the beautiful Fijians!
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I was hugely amused by the first line of this article as we had exactly the same experience with kookaburras in Byron Bay just yesterday morning! You weren’t staying near Clarke’s Beach Caravan Park were you? We couldn’t believe how noisy they were when it was still dark outside! We have been caravanning along the east coast for the past 6.5 weeks with 4 children raging in age from 21 mths to 12 yrs we still have 10 days before we get home…whilst it has been largely enjoyable it has been anything but relaxing! The most enjoyable, relaxing holidays we have with children happen when we go to my mother-in-law’s house and the kids just want to hang out with Nan and thankfully she’s happy to oblige!
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My husband has 3 weeks holidays coming up soon. The first week we will drive one hour to the Gold Coast where his parents live. We will have free accommodation & babysitting & meals when we eat at ‘home’. Our about-to-turn 4yo daughter disappears with grandma to play & if we check on them we are told ‘that this isn’t a mummy/daddy game’. They adore spending time together so everyone wins. We get to go for walks/swims at the beach, go shopping or see a movie. Husband will go the gym, I’ll read a book or go for a walk on the beach.
This is how my family holidays. I can think of nothing worse than boarding a plane with a small baby & toddler. We’re saving all of that for when she’s older & can appreciate it a bit more. This way we actually get a bit of a break & usually get a bit of together time & a bit of alone time.
This coming holidays, I’m going to take the train back home & enjoy some time on my own, without husband & child. I’ll do some gardening, have some baths, read, listen to music, watch what I want on TV & just not be on call or answerable to anyone else for a few days. I love my family but I can’t wait for some alone time.
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Oh my goodness, I laughed out loud several times reading that. So real and funny and true! Brilliant writing, loved it, thank you for sharing.
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Regular holidayer in Bali with miss 3.
Two words- kids club.
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I loved this article!!!! And don’t say it’s because you are a man.
I hated tripping somewhere to have a holiday with children; I put the money we saved towards a pool. When the kids were babies my husband and I enjoyed “quiet time” the secret is not to do any work around the place, not to care about housework and to do a few leisurely trips to the local beaches or drop the children off at someone’s place and have a meal out.
As the kids grew up we had all their friends around some days, I would read a book while watching them swim, still a few days we would visit the beach. My husband loved fooling around in the pool with the younger children and bought a swim harness when the kids were a lot older to do laps.
Throughout the holiday we had a rule outings were for every 3rd day!!! bush walks, fishing off jetties, hiring a little tinnie. We also had mum days and dad days were one of us went and did something with friends, and the other child minded.
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Maybe I’m in te minority, but I love holidaying with my kids. We have a 3yo and a baby and we keep it simple. Drive to a holiday house within 4 hours of home. Self cater, take turns with the kids (alternate sleep ins and time off) and do a few fun family things that we wouldn’t do at home. We took our first holiday when my eldest was 5 weeks old. The kids and I love having my husband around full time for the week or two (I’m a stay at home mum). He cooks nice meals, and we try to watch a tv series on DVD at night. It’s true that hols are not as relaxing as before children, we get far less reading and sleeping, but they just aren’t the nightmare people make out
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I’d rather saw off my left leg than go on a holiday with a 2year old & a 5 month old baby:)
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Well the flipside of my continuous IVF failure is that on my last and recent holiday – my husband and I – slept in, read, had afternoon naps, drank cocktails at the bar, read some more, had lots of sex, ate dinner in a romantic setting (on the beach, under the stars), more sex, more reading, more cocktails. That’s my silver lining to my dark cloud.
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Just got back from Fiji with a 12 and 14 yo. Sharing rooms, whining about not having wifi were the biggest gripes. I saw alot of families with very small kids. OMG hats off to them, screaming, nappies, sand and running off all the time made me grateful to have teenagers. I don’t know how they relaxed at all. I found my 14 yo canoodling with a boy she had met (first holiday romance very sweet) but that just sent me screaming to the bar for another mojito!
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I have never been more happy my fiancee has teenage stepkids than reading this!!
We’ve done 18 hour drives to get to holiday spots, but they plug in and tune out. They’re lots of fun when we’re away and luckily still enjoy playing board games etc with us.
And, since were early risers and they sleep in, there’s gorgeous quiet morning time before they awake. See, those teenage years are good for some thing!!
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Hilarious. I especially found the part about the baby monitor amusing, because I also see it as a necessity for trips!!
When my baby was 7 mths old – that was 2 months ago – I took a solo flight with him to visit family. Wouldn’t you know it, after hauling two suitcases, a stroller, and a carseat to the airport I arrived only to find out the flight was cancelled due to maintenance issues!! There went my perfect timing of naps and food! We were sent off on a flight 5 hours later. Ugh.
My husband and I are now planning our next trip. Criteria: we must travel together, no carseat to haul around (ie plan to use public transport), and no flights over 3 hours! Cheap, noisy, kid friendly restaurants in the area is now a must. haha how times have changed from pre-baby, but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.
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i love the excited build up to a holiday – i make lists and dream of time away together and count down the days……and then we get there. and we spend the whole time tag teaming, chasing toddler and dreading the night time when he invariably develops some random illness or gets a bellyache and screams all night. i am always so relieved to get home…..and we only have one child!!
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Yep, I dreaded holidays for these reasons. Now my girls are both over 1 year old, it’s easier – no sterilising, no baby food, no portacot, etc.
But we still only holiday once a year. And no flying. My goal now when we plan family holidays is ‘the easier, the better.’
If my husband would let me get away with it, I’d just book a caravan park 20 mins from our house
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Seriously this is one of the funniest “parenting” articles ever. I am still laughing out loud. Reminds me of our trip to Hamilton Island last year with 2 year old son who started yelling “no more plane” from the moment we went up the steps to board our luxury Jetstar flight and continued this very loud yelling all the way there – until we got to the hotel transfer when it changed to “no more bus”. Aaaah … we’re all living the dream eh
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Our first family holiday was a disaster to begin with. Back then we only had a 6months old and went for 4 days to Bright, Vic with my hubbys brother and his family of four. We stayed at a holiday house, of course catering for ourselves, which makes a lot of sense with kids. My husband was in holiday mood from the moment we arrived, almost forgetting that he actually had a family(wife and a child), enjoying some cycling, tennis, walks while I was at the house trying to stick to the naps with bubba and feed, change, etc. Then after the second day I was so over it, that I wanted to go home, made hubby aware of the fact that we are here together, after which things got much better.
We had a OS and another weekend holiday after that.
Then this year we headed with two kids, my brother and his girlfriend(who were visiting from OS) to the Goldcoast(from Melbourne), by car. I know, what were we thinking?
Basically the trip was tiring to say the least, our then 9month old daughter crying most times, as she is not such a keen passenger. I had some food for the first day, but we were also eating in restaurants. Yeah not so relaxing with small kids. Once we finally arrived(after two days of driving-we did have one sleep over half way through), the house was great, it was also nice to have my brother and his girlfriend as they were happy to help with the kids(play with them, or help with the meals).
But we didn’t manage to do many day trips or seeing things, due to the kids.
Also somehow I thought we will be able to eat out(I just wanted a break from cooking). Again, what was I thinking?
Driving back was same story like driving up with the crying, we ended up driving the last bit through the night, because bubba2 was sleeping, even though it was hard, but we arrived quicker.
It definitely changed the way I look at holidays and plan future holidays. Currently there is no plan of holidaying in the near future…
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Ha! Holidays with kids…. you can guarantee you will look forward to going home for a holiday and arrive with a lot less sanity in tact and perhaps even a few new grey hairs. Setting up tents and porta cots… they make fools of the best of us, particularly if they’re combined!
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There is a reason Fiji is so popular with families. We have been there 3 times with our kids and while the food isnt fabulous the beautiful people more than make up for that. They love children and their slow relaxed pace really makes it a wonderful family holiday. A real holiday.
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Agreed!! Although, we stay at the Outrigger on the Lagoon and the food there is beautiful
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Hilarious article!
I don’t have kids, but I have a little brother (which makes getting out the door on any day a struggle), and my best friends have two sweet babies aged 6 and 4. I’ve been camping with them on a number of occasions, and while it is super fun, I know what you mean!
Whenever I’m camping I inexplicably wake up really early, and so as not to wake up everyone else in the tent, every morning I’d sneak out to use the bathroom and – without fail – I’d come back and two sets of beady little eyes would be staring at me, waiting to be taken to the toilet and fed. So much for my plan to get back into bed! They are gorgeous though, so it’s ok.
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The only horror holiday we have had consisted of everyone, except me, having gastro. My son was a baby at the time and had gastro for a day or so. We had planned a weekend away and on the day we left he was okay. We were sitting in the car all packed up, and just as we were about to drive off my husband suddenly got out and disappeared into the house. He was gone for ages and finally came back. Was sick as a dog but wanted to soldier on. We drove off, had a couple of stops for him to be sick and he sort of picked up. An hour or so into the trip, one of my stepsons started groaning and asked to stop the car. Good grief. So he threw up most of the way. We had just arrived at our lovely hotel room and the other stepson started. We tried to quickly steer him towards a waste paper basket but he missed and was sick on the carpet. I am sure you can imagine what the rest of the evening was like!!!!
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Ohhh Jimbo….It gets better, trust me, we have now started taking our awesome foursome o/s and it is the most relaxing holiday that the 6 of us could wish four, minus my 7 year old and 10 year old on post rabies vaccinations( 5 injections over a course of 28 days…)…….xxx
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I’ve been lucky. When my older kids were little we used to stay at their caravan with them. When my son was 3 and my daughter 6 however, we (perhaps foolishly) drove over a 6 week period from Melbourne to Darwin. With a stop off at Alice springs and ayers rock. In the wet season.
My then bf (now husband) had a serious think about whether he really wanted to be a live in stepfather.
Since then we’ve had road trip holidays and also survived them, but none as intense as the Darwin trip. I don’t think I could ever drive to Perth though, even though my girls are bigger. We’ll fly.
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The country is peaceful, but quiet it ain’t.
I was reminded of this during my first morning in my own cute-beyond-description miner’s cottage opposite a vineyard in the king valley in NE Victoria. As dawn’s first rays hit my bedroom window, the cockatoos started wheeling over the grape vines, screeching like the winged Nazgul out of LOTR, and landing on grapevines… which set off the bird scarers. These sound like shotgun blasts.
At around 5.01am on January 3.
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Hey don’t worry. The ‘golden years’ are just around the corner. That beautiful age between 6 and 11 when the kids sleep in, can eat in restaurants, love planes and still love to hang out with mum and dad.
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I’d like to fast forward to then please
Just on holidays!
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So funny! I laughed out loud
MIne are just 1 year and 3 years. I do ALL the holiday work before and after. While workaholic husband worries about what he’s missing. I’ve decided they’re just not worth it! And yet…come summer, I’ll try again!
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It does get easier as they get older – less equipment and more awake time. My family (2 adults and 2 boys aged 6 and 4) just did a 14 week trip up the east coast of Australia and back down through outback Queensland & NSW, in a CARAVAN!!! Yes, there was still cooking, washing, shopping etc but it was an amazing experience!! When we hear our 6 year old telling family/friends about ‘hot artesian bores’ and the 4 year old sharing about ‘mustering’ and ‘rough-riding’, it confirms what we already know – it was worth every ‘are we there yet?’ and then some!!!!
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You make me so grateful I have no intention of having children! Hope it got better…
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We’re about to go on our final holiday as a couple before our baby arrives.
Thanks for reminding us to enjoy it!
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Last year my husband, 4 year old son and 6 month old baby girl drove up to QLD – the day we left I saw what I thought were mozzie bites on my son’s neck – except they weren’t bites he had the chicken pox (and yes he had been vaccinated!). So he couldn’t go swimming in the hotel pool and was too scared of the waves at the beach! Next my baby girl broke out in the pox followed by my husband who managed to drive (he insisted on driving) all the way home covered from head to toe in the disgusting rash. Ah the memories!
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We had a similar holiday last Christmas with a 3 month old baby and 2.5 yr old.
Portacot in the doorway, husband in the twin bed next to the toddler, toddler falling out of strange bed and not sleeping, toddler and baby screaming so unable to eat out.
Good times
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A colleague of mine just went to a five day yoga/surfing resort stay in Bali leaving husband and two older kids at home. Sounds divine!!
We go on our boat. We still carry half our possessions with us, but it’s nice being able to confine the kids to a relatively small area, it does actually allow time for sitting in a lounge chair and just watching.
Then I sown the winter months cursing the fact that we own such a big money pit that takes all my husband’s time and devotion and love and care, but that’s another story.
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Love it! We live in Vietnam so we actually try and do a fair bit of travel both domestically and in the region but I now remind my husband that “the first day is always crap”. Luckily I love planning holidays and can now pack quite well – but I did envy seeing friends on a recent 3 days trip away with their 2 carry-ons while we loaded up with 4 big bags and a pram. Trying to also “enjoy” dinner in the hotel restaurant at 9pm with 2 cranky toddlers (even with 2 iphones) was dumb but luckily hotel relocated us to our balcony for dinner and I have added a bit of knowledge to the travel tips bank.
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One very memorable holiday to Hamilton Island comes to mind. Within 24 hours of arriving our 8 month old got an ear infection, our 2 year old got tonsilitis, my husband got the flu complete with high fevers and aches and I got gastro. We would toss a coin each morning to see who would have to take our 3yo in the golf buggy to drop her at kids club for the day as she was the only healthy one in our family!
We all recovered in time to fly home.
When people mention Hamilton Island now I just cant say anything positive, which has absolutely nothing to do with the places itself, just our memories!
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Your dozy holiday afternoons return when your youngest child can swim and read. Teach them to love both asap and reclaim the holiday.
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Oh yes..I’m working on the reading. When they read. I can read. I miss it.
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Totally agree, except we had 4!
Those days at the beach..the ones where Dad spends most of his time in the surf with the older ones cause they aren’t old enough to do it themselves and I am back further near the lagoon ensuring baby and toddler don’t drown, eat sand, get sunburnt. Lie down and relax? Forget it!
Then of course there is the Great Walk back to the hot car across the hot sand carrying umbrella, towels, buckets and spades, boogie boards and children.
And then there are the strange rashes that appear when on holidays!
Of course, even if the littlest one still has a nap, you needn’t think you will get one. Out of the familiar environs of home, it’s not safe, you may be near a river or even the familiar toys of home are not there. Falling asleep at night is the highlight of the day.
My brood are all grown up now. I must remember to ask them about their memories of those times. I hope they are good ones!
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After a couple of similar holidays with Miss 3 and baby twins we have (3.5 years later) put a pool and outdoor kitchen with pizza oven in (I’m going be working til I’m about 100) so never need to go anywhere again until everyone is fully toilet trained and one of the twins sleeps past 5.30am.
Some close friends friends recently moved to NZ and have been begging us to go and see them. No fear- can’t go for at least another two years. Sadly in our case grandparents are too old to care for the kids (another reason for why we should have procreated earlier). Perhaps our first holiday will be to a place where there is a kids club!
Thanks for the article – I’m glad we are all going through the same joy!
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Jim u legend thanx for posting this…reminds me of a similar holiday at Phillip Island VIC years ago when the kids were “bubbas”. Tiny unit, weird surrounds and 100 kph winds that literally blew us off the road on the way thru Wonthaggi
GREAT MEMORIES
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Funny. I love your wife’s timing re: sex and your quick thinking..I think I might try that myself next time the dogs are playing( a big match) and see what the response is
.
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Hire a cleaner/nanny and holiday at home?? Parents could go out whenever they want even do day trips!! Why didn’t I think if this when mine were young?? And would still be cheaper than accommodation!
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Having just spent five nights in Port Douglas with my just turned one year old and not quite three year old, I can relate! We booked very cheap standby flights through a relative who works at Virgin. She assured us we’d get on the flight. She said she never has a problem. We were at Melbourne airport at 8.30am for our flight but we didn’t get on, it was full. We then got redirected to Sydney at 10am, had to kill two and a half hours at Sydney airport, then got on a flight to Cairns mid afternoon. Once in Cairns, we then had to wait an hour for our transfer shuttle bus, then we had the hour bus trip in the dark, rain and along the windy beach road to Port Douglas. So it was 8pm when we finally arrived – exhausted, hot, cranky. Day one over! Over the course of the next four days, we all got sick, me the worst, ending up on antibiotics, (and I NEVER get sick). We had a two bedroom apartment, but one bedroom was on the first floor, the other on the third mezzanine floor (thankfully the hotel put baby gates on for us – they are used to having families stay!) Needless to say, we all ended up in the main bedroom on the mezzanine level, which meant lights out and sound off when the kids went to bed for my husband and I, sitting in the living area below.
It was nice, it was *fun* at times and thankfully it was warm, but it was certainly anything but relaxing. Thank our lucky stars we got on our direct flight home back to Melbourne!
It was wishful thinking on my part, to say the least, to think it would be a rejuvenating break. I won’t be rushing to do it again and while I don’t want to wish these years away while the kids are little, I can’t wait until holidays perhaps get a tiny bit easier.
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Hilarious !
Heres hoping your next one is a little more enjoyable.
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I have the opportunity to go away by myself for a week or so – no partner, (no children – i dont have any!) – no work no committments, no nothing. I’ve been thinking, hmm.. do i really want to? Should i spend the money just on myself? UM, yes! Thankyou for reminding me to enjoy my holidays pre-children!
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One thing my hubby and I do on our holidays is to give eachother a day off. So one day I will go shopping and have a boozy lunch (2 glasses or so!) and maybe time on the beach and another day he goes to the pub all arvo to watch the cricket. That way we both get a proper break. It’s the only way we can survive a week with small kids in a small space
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Oh me too – portacot in the built-in wardrobe worked for us one holiday. don;t even get me started on flying long-haul with a hyperactive toddler… For more on the joys of family travel – and there are some to be had, find me at http://www.travelmumma.com
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We did the 12 hour drive to Surfers last year as hubby does not fly.
It was not fun.
I cant believe my parents drove us annually for years & without airconditioning
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Loved this article, as we are about to embark on a two family holiday in two weeks with other little people… Only three nights but… I know their kids get up early, ours… Well Sleep is king… I have been chuckling as I read and then reeling the horror that awaits us, when will remember the chaos of the family holidays have had since we’ve had kids… But still love it and we are heading the wine region in WA I might be nipping out for some ‘milk’! . I feel husband and I may need to have a break when we get back to recover from the chaos which is about to ensue!
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Funny, accurate stuff
I am not really sure why we plan holidays with toddlers and babies, it all seems like it would be a good idea. It never is.
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sigh. Having literally just got back from a 10 day “holiday” I can relate. Although you wimped out with the flight. We drove from Brisbane to Sydney, to Canberra and back. With a 3 year old and an 18 month old. *I*AM*SHATTERED*. It started only 20 mins after leaving home. “I want my cat Charlie, I miss Charlie, I want to go home”. (she doesn’t even like the cat normally). And then the toilet breaks. Miss C isn’t 100% toilet trained yet – we still have the occassional accidents. So when she says “I need to do a wee wee” or worse yet the dreaded p word, you just have to pull over. At one stage it took 4 hours to drive 200km. And then when we got there, they wouldn’t sleep (too hyper). Trying to share a hotel room with 2 kids is torture. So we ended up having to turn off all the lights at 8pm just to get them to sleep. Which was fine as I was so exhausted.
But we did do some fun stuff during the day (they loved the ferry trip to Manly, the aquarium was good, playing at Darling Harbour was awesome, Questacon in Canberra was good fun). Any playground we could find we let them play in as it burnt off energy. We plied them with food to shut them up (very effective), and downed quite a few glasses of wine to cope
Next time we go on a holiday (because it will happen) we will hopefully not need the portacot, and the highchair, and the stroller. But irrespective, I will make sure that the destination has two words – KIDS CLUB!
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So true!! But I only remember the good times, and so do the kids.
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