Monty Dimond Monday 16 July 2012 1:48pm

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Monty

by MONTY DIMOND

I recently went on a revoltingly indulgent trip to Bali. While laying poolside sipping on rose water and strawberry cocktails (completely unnecessary detail) I noticed every woman had a copy of ‘50 Shades of Grey’ firmly clasped in their hands.

I decided to join the club, as I was fast becoming the last woman on earth to read this book. For the next three days I read about whips, ass slapping, and pubic hair pulling. I’d like to say I thoroughly enjoyed the read… but I didn’t.

I was too worried about the female character’s safety to be even remotely turned on! Maybe its because I’m a new mum, or maybe I’m just a prude, but ‘50 Shades of Grey’ did not float my love boat.

The book has been described as ‘clit lit’ (eeew), a new form of female erotica. However I feel that sometimes porn for mums can be much simpler… and safer. If you’re a mum and 50 Shades of Grey didn’t excite you either, the below scenes might just get your post baby hormones raging.

Scene 1:
(Cue saxophone music)

It was a balmy Friday afternoon; Alexandra was lazing on the new rustic day bed she had purchased from Etsy. Beads of sweat were trickling down the crane of her neck. As she sipped on her ice-cold lemon water, a light breeze swept past. Alexandra’s nipples became fiercely erect. She looked down at her body and was impressed with the size of her voluptuous breasts.

All of a sudden the side gate swung open, she flung around and saw a man walking briskly towards her. He had beautiful olive skin and a strong chizzled jaw that was covered in a salt and pepper three-day growth. His almond eyes locked onto hers.  They were full of firey delight.

In one swift movement his muscular body was on top of hers. He slowly kissed her lips and whispered sensually into Alexandra’s ear, “Your mother called.  She is happy for the baby to stay at her place tonight. After you express your boobs, lets go out for an early dinner and then watch a couple of episodes of Revenge.”

Now if that doesn’t get your blood pumping then I strongly suggest you check if you have a pulse because it’s hot stuff!  Can you handle more?

Scene 2:
(Fire up Kenny G music again)

Bianca was fumbling through her fabulous imitation Birkin handbag trying to find the front door key. She had just finished a busy day at work that had crept its way into the night. Her stomach rumbled and she realised she’d been running off a single coffee and boysenberry muffin for the whole day. Her feet ached from being squeezed into 6-inch stilettos for twelve long hours.

As she went to insert the key in the door, it suddenly flung open. Standing in front of her with wet hair and a crisp white towel wrapped around his waist, was a tall and extremely handsome man. Pearls of water clung to his chest hair. He wrapped his big hands around Bianca’s quivering buttocks and pulled her into his manhood. He kissed her on the forehead and said; “Babe, both the kids are fast asleep. I’ve spent the afternoon cleaning the house and whipped up your favourite chicken casserole.”

Ooooh yeah.  Loving that aren’t you? You dirty, naughty, mummy. One more? Okay.

Scene 3

(Cue 90s classic ‘Pony’ by Genuwine)

The sun seeped through the curtain crack in Bec’s hotel room and gently kissed her awake. She stretched out on the crisp linen sheets and realised she was alone in the bed. The man who had wined and dined her like a princess the night before was now nowhere to be seen. She flopped back onto the pillow and cast her mind to the evening she had had.

Expensive French champagne, oysters, and dancing like she was a teenager again. It had been years since she’d had a night like that. As she ran her hand over her bare nipples she noticed a note on her bedside table. “Thought you would appreciate the sleep in. Have taken the kids for a swim at the beach. Be back about 11am. Oh and housekeeping managed to get the baby’s poo out of your favourite top. Love you.”

It may be a little tragic but that’s the kind of eroticism I’m after at the moment, and I don’t think I’m alone. Watch out E. L. James, me and my lactating breasts are coming after you with ’50 Shades of Mummy Porn’.

Here’s some more read mummy porn for you to enjoy, courtesy of mommyshorts.com and the Porn For Women books:

I love a clean house.

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Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum and loving it!

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