When I was born, my mother sobbed. Not with joy, but because she hadn’t really wanted me to be born.
Because as soon as I was born, despite her howls of protest, I was taken away from her. She was eventually allowed to hold me once for a brief moment in time before I was whisked away again, this time permanently. At three weeks of age I left the quiet country hospital where I was born to start my life with an adoptive family.
Last Monday, Four Corners delved into the issue of forced adoption practices in Australia during the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s. During the program a number of women told their harrowing and heartbreaking accounts of being forced/coerced/pressured into giving their babies up for adoption during those years. The issue has been the subject of a lengthy Senate inquiry, and recently the inquiry handed down its list of 20 recommendations, which included a recommendation for a formal apology from federal and state governments.
These kinds of TV programs that pull at the heartstrings will always reduce me to tears. I have never been able to watch “This is your life” because I cannot make it past the opening credits and theme music without sobbing. As a child of this era of forced adoptions, I found myself actually shaking with emotion in response to what I was seeing and feeling as I watched the episode unfold. I genuinely feel aggrieved for the women who were forced to give up their babies. I am a mother and I cannot begin to imagine their pain and lifelong anguish.
But I would also like to tell my side of the story, as indeed the story is not just about the relinquishing mothers.
I was adopted into a family in which the adoptive parents already had six children, five of whom were their own natural born sons. My adoptive mother was 42 at the time they bundled me up and took me home in the back of the FJ Wagon.
Their eldest child was 18 and already in a serious relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. It would be almost unheard of in these modern times for a child to be adopted into a family who already had so many children, and I believe it was somewhat unusual even for the (very late) ’60s as well.
My birth mother was not told I was being adopted into a family who already had so many children. In fact she was sold the story about the wonderful thing she was doing by giving a childless couple “her baby”.
When watching the women of the Four Corners story recount their experiences, I heard time and time again the words my birth mother has said were told to her. Things like being asked how she could possibly think she could look after me on her own? (Remember, this was before the introduction of the single mothers pension in 1973.) She was told she could not provide for me in the way a married couple could – told too that she was selfish for wanting to keep me. And the clincher – being asked how could she really love me, if she thought I would be better off staying with her, rather than being given away?
As it happens, I did do pretty well out of the adoption.
I was loved, and told I was “special” because I had been “chosen”. I was looked after and well educated. I was, generally speaking, happy. But I have suffered self esteem issues all of my life, and as an adult I recognise that many of these issues stem from the place inside me where the small child still lives. The little child who is feeling “out of place” and “homesick”, even though she is in the family home.
The child who grows up believing her mother did not love her, and that is why she gave me away.
Even from within the bosom of my loving adoptive family, these feelings were omnipresent. In my teenage years, the feelings often lead me to abuse myself with overeating. As a young adult, I turned to men for my emotional abuse. As a 19 year old I met my birth family, not through my choice but that of my adoptive parents. The years since have been a mixture of good and bad, and the extremes of both.
I now know the full story behind my adoption, and my adult brain accepts my birth mother did in fact love me and had no real choice about giving me away.
The child inside still feels abandoned.
Often I wonder who I am, not feeling like I really belong anywhere except with my own children. In my birth families, there are all kinds of relationships formed over the 20 years or so I was not in their lives, and I can only ever really be a bit player on their stage. Even in my adoptive family, where I used to always feel I could truly be the ‘real me’, as I grow older I am being treated less like a member of that family.
For the record, it hurts like hell when you are the only one of your siblings not invited to your nephew’s wedding, and the reason is your adoptive status.
I believe it is imperative the Federal Government takes action to apologise and redress some of the grievances relinquishing mothers from this generation have.
But I also say – spare some time and thought for the children as well.
We’ve covered the story of the forced adoptions on Mamamia before and you can read that post here.
Alison Drew-Forster is your stereo-typical suburban wife and mother currently going through her own version of a midlife crisis. She’s the mother to two tweens, HR Manager for an RTO and hopes to one day make her living from full time writing. You can read her blog here.
Comments
43 Comments so far
I was a forced adoption, I have seen the social worker notes of my birth mother which repeatedly said high risk of keeping baby. The notes show what drugs she was administered until she signed the papers.
My reunion with her was great at first but slowly disintegrated and I believe it is due to her lifelong attempt at trying to deal with giving me up and the circumstances surrounding it. I have no reason to doubt myself or feel insecure but I do anyway. My birthmother and I now have no contact and I feel so rejected, I was so understanding but nothing could push through her pain. My life is great and I have a great family I grew up with. But i struggle with why I feel like there is something missing in me. I have recently admitted that I am probably not quite sorted out as far as adoption goes.
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Is there a forum where adoptees can find support? It would be great to have an outlet..
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I was adopted at 3 weeks. My biological mother made a choice to give me up so she could stay with her married boyfriend. I’ve never really felt like I belong in my adoptive family. It’s just hard to put my finger on how I feel about it all. Hard to find the right words. I have a biological sister and brother, but don’t feel like I fit with them either. The place I feel most connected is with my wonderful husband, two adult children and two grand kids. They are so accepting of all my baggage and support when things get rough. It’s strange – its like there is just something missing inside. I don’t want to dwell on it, but I know. It’s there.
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Alison, I too was adopted in the late ’60s and did well out my adoption. I too can empathise with your feelings as you describe them. I have started the process of finding my birth parents as both my adoptive parents are dead.
For me my adoptive parents shall always be my parents and my adopted brother shall always be my brother. I feel most “at home” with my children and have made the decision that they are where my “redemption” lies. They hold the key to my future happiness and they are what I must keep going for.
Sometimes it feels too much and the constant conflict with my wife and work colleagues does get in the way of my success but we can only make the best of the hand we are dealt.
Good luck to you and thanks for your post, it certainly makes me feel more comfortable in my skin. Oh and I am finding my birth parents for medical history only, I find it distressing not to know about the potentiality for medical issues.
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Let’s not forget the churches role in forced adoption. In the late 60s my aunty was shipped to a convent as a 14yr old to then go through a two day labour in a room mostly by herself and have the baby taken from her as soon as she was born. The only other voices she heard where the nuns telling her she would never be going to Heaven. I don’t think you could ever recover from that.
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A question for all the adoptees: would you ever adopt a child?
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Good question. I have mixed feelings. I have two of my own children. But having a happy adoptive family I know how great adoption can be. But on the other hand i know how being an adoptee has it’s own challenges. And I also know there are lots of happy blended families out there brought together in lots of different ways. As long as there is openness and no mystery. It’s the not knowing that is the hardest thing.
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No, I would never adopt a child.
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Yes but only where the birth parents are dead
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No I personally wouldnt adopt a child because I believe children should stay with their parents if it is at all possible, to me it feels like taking something that is not yours. ps im adopted…you never really feel that you fit into the family that you have been adopted into…
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A friend of mine adopted a baby out in the 1970s. She got pregnant in the UK and came out here as “a 10 pound pom”, her words not mine, while pregnant and was told to give the baby up, as the father was still in the UK and didn’t even know of the pregnancy. She was quiet about it until her daughter contacted her as an adult. She was ecstatic about it and became quite close to her daughter and grandchildren.
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At 17 years of age, in a country town, my mother was the victim of forced adoption. She said the nurses were very unsupportive during the birth basically saying to her “well you got yourself in this position, so you deal with it”, leaving her on her own for most if the labour and giving her an episiotomy without any pain relief for delivery. They then whisked ‘Mark’ (this was the name she gave him) away without even letting her see him, let alone hold him. She was young, alone, afraid and traumatized. No one stood up for her and told her what her rights were. Twenty five years passed with tears every birthday, every Christmas and in between until Mum was reunited with her son (his birth parents had given him a different name). They could not stop hugging eachother and funnily enough looked so similar people mistakened them for brother and sister. Mum was relieved to hear that he had been adopted by a loving family and had a pleasant up bringing. But, he has seif esteem issues and was told his birth mother abandoned him. He said that on his wedding day he kept wishing his birth mum was there with him- this was the event that prompted him to eventually find mum. Mum still grieves for her baby and what she could have given him. We are a lucky abd unique family in that we have formed a very close relationship with my brother and his wife and kids. It is as though he was always meant to be in our family. Mum watched some of the four corners episode the other night, but she had to turn it off and walk away as it was too painful. She has been ‘down’ ever since. It breaks my heart and makes me so angry knowing how badly ‘the system’ hurt my mother and my brother. We want a formal apology from the QLD and federal government.
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There’s some heartbreaking stuff here. I think some of your so called ‘families’ should be bloody well ashamed of themselves.
I have two cousins who were adopted. They’re my cousins. As far as I know no one has treated them differently, but it makes me sad to think that they may have been on the receiving end of this sort of treatment.
You are all loved by someone. Remember that.
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I was adopted in 1977, my adoptive parents had already adopted a son, my brother. We always knew that we were both adopted and my adopted parents would always tell the story of how they let my brother “pick” me out at the hospital. I have always have had issues with the fact that my birth mother didn’t love me or want me. These feelings were amplified when I found out that my birth mother was not a 16 year old girl, but a 32 year old woman and my adoptive mother told me the story that one of the nurses at the hospital I was born at told her that my birth mother already had 4 children and I was the result of an affair.
These feelings of being unloved were again amplified in my teens when my brother an I were late home from a concert and I overheard my adoptive father telling my mother that he wished he had never adopted kids.
Fast forward a few years and my brother end up a drug addict (speed) he was trying to get clean and thought if he found his birth mother he would be able to deal with that issue and it might help him. He probably had one of the easiest searches ever, he got his original birth certificate, went to the street that she had listed on that and knocked on the door, no she didn’t still live there but the new resident told him the ask the lady next door as she had lived in the street for about 50 years. He went next door and asked her and her first question was “are you the little boy she gave up for adoption?” he said yes and do you know we’re she lives now? She did and gave him the address and he went over there, knocked and a young girl answered, he asked for his birth mother, she wasn’t home but would be soon, so he sat in the car and waited, when she got home he went and knocked again when she answered he handed her the birth certificate, she burst in to tears and hugged him. She then tried to introduce him to his “sisters” he told her in no uncertain terms that he already has a sister and doesn’t need others. They stayed in contact and last time I asked he hadn’t heard from her for years.
My search has been far more disjointed. I got my original birth certificate when I was 19 and it look another 14 to do anything else. I got my full adoption file as you can now in QLD, this had all the information I could need. My birth mother didn’t have 4 other kids, she had 5 and one of them was my full brother. I left it for almost a year and then one random night decided to see if I could find any of my siblings on facebook, I actually found 3 of them.
My partner suggested that i send one of them a message saying that I was doing family research and ask if the knew my birth mother. I sent it and waited but got no reply, I didn’t know if was upset or relieved. My partner asked if I had heard from my sibling yet, I said no, she then confessed that she had called and spoken to them, I was really upset and didn’t want to hear anything about the conversation. I was and still am not sure if I even want to know them. I know my partner was just trying to do the right thing and help me get past that first step. I had been angry at her for doing this without asking me, but I know it was only cause she loves me. I hope that one day I have the courage to ask her what the conversation was about and be able to contact them myself,, but at the moment instill hurts to much.
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Sending best wishes Jedibec. Very complicated business isn’t it? Best wishes.
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Allison – thank you – I found great solace in your honest words
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Great story. Like many other posters here, I am also adopted. I too am not sure that I am seeking a government apology, but I am hoping that it brings my birth parents some level of relief from the pain and anxiety they still feel years after my birth. Yes, birth parents, my parents were fed the, you aren’t married and can’t afford a baby line, along with do you want a child out of wedlock guilt, all from a government social worker. Unfortunately, both of them still feel that the memories are too raw, the secret too deep for me to be in their lives. My birth father’s wife in particular cannot face revealing his,secret to their sons, worried that they will think badly of him for the actions taken when I was born. He and my birth mother were both told to go home and forget about it……they would be better off without me in their lives…..how can any apology ever make up for that.
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Thanks for talking about your story. It’s very painful and I can’t imagine how birth parents cope with knowing their child is out there somewhere and they are supposed to just “get on with their lives”!
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Thanks Alison for sharing your story. So many things that you said ring true for me too. Yes I am also an adopted person. I too have had a wonderful, happy life. My adoptive parents are just beautiful. I am so blessed to be their daughter. And I truly am their daughter in every sense. The years together from when I was five days old make us a family. Not that we are blood. Sure it is great to know my blood relatives.. that is my maternal birth family who I know and am a part of their family – extended family… But my mum and dad, my sister… (also adopted) they are my family. And now I am lucky enough to have two beautiful children with my wonderful husband. So I also have my own family. The circle of life it doesn’t just stop. It keeps going. I also have lots of amazing friendships. Friends I have had for years and years. They are also part of my wider family. We have the power to define who we are and to make a life of our own. That is what I have chosen. And I am so very blessed. So lucky to be here and to have the people that are in my life.
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This has been so hard for me to read. I am not adopted but I have an aunt that was – we’ve spoken about it a few times. She does feel different from the biological children but says her family is her family. She has never wanted contact with her biological family.
It makes me so sad that people do not have a family that loves and supports them. I guess I feel like if you were adopted you deserve that more somehow? God be with all of you – I hope you find peace.
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A bit of a twist here. My Mother was adopted. I found out when I was eight years old and I answered the phone to a woman claiming to be my Mother’s sister. I had two Uncles, both my adoptive Grandmother’s older biological sons. My Grandmother and I were extremely close and do I went through a long period of confusion and loss for who I thought that I was.
Aside from the grief, a sense of relief and affirmation overwhelmed me. A true “Ahhhh. So that’s why!” hit me like a tonne of bricks, and continues to hit me to this very day.
I’d always been the odd one out when it came to the way I was treated, and respected, by my Uncles’ wives and children – my Aunts and cousins. Never once did they come to us. We went to them. For Christmases, Easters, Birthdays, Anniversaries. You name it. I used to feel sorry for Mum. She chased those brothers around for England. Even moving to another suburb, and then two and a half hours away, just to be near them. Both times they moved away from her. And her feelings if abandonment would resurface. Cycles if self abuse and self hate would in turn reduce her to being the bad Mother that she was. My Mother was a horrible, horrible Mother. And I blame her adoptive family, not her adoption.
My Mother was abused by her husband. My stepfather. She would get drunk and cry and ask me why her brothers did nothing to protect her from him. As an adult now, and after some years of counselling from several different practitioners, a common theme emerged as each asked me the same question. “Where was your family when you were being abused?”. I feel angry now. Why didn’t they help me? Why didn’t they get me out of there? They refused to come to our home themselves. Even after years and years and years of begging, they would never let their children, my cousins, even have a sleepover. Answer: I did not matter. I am not one of their own.
I struggle with being alone in the world. I know I have a husband. Four children. A good few foster children. But I yearn to belong somewhere.
My adoptive Grandmother is dying. I drive the two and a half hours to be with her one last time yesterday. Yet I felt that I was imposing. One of my Aunts was there with my cousin and I overheard them whispering that I was there at the nursing home. They feigned happiness to see me and my daughter. I looked around at the photos that my Aunt had placed around my Grandmother’s room of my adoptive cousins and their children. Not one single picture of me, my siblings or my children.
The stab on the heart at being the non-biological Grandchild, the one with no birth rite to be there. It was physically painful. That old childhood feeling, of not belonging. Of being the “ring in”. It came flooding back.
The knowing that deep down, even though they vehemently deny that they feel nothing. It’s so blindingly evident that my child sensed it and came to protect me from those inescapable feelings of shame at not truly “belonging” at my Grandmother’s bedside. The fact that I felt the need to take my daughter out of school to make journey with me. To be my support person there. So I wouldn’t feel alone. It speaks volumes.
At my Grandmother’s 80th birthday, as I was leaving, my cousin condascendingly TOLD me to say “thank you for having us” to her Mother, who had hosted the get together. I felt like a guest. Not a family member. And this is when I knew I was not one. My husband put his hand on mine on the car trip home and I felt affirmation from him that I had not imagined what had just happened. I don’t belong. I never will. I just keep trying to find the place that I do.
Adoption flows and ripples through generations. I hope I can heal myself and protect my children and grandchildren from this void.
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I wish I could give you a big hug. Thanks for sharing.
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You know what, your adoptive family has treated you and yours terribly. This behaviour has obviously been condoned as it’s passed on down the generations.
You do belong somewhere: in your own family with your husband and kids.
I hope you can get to a place where you don’t feel like you’re chasing them.
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My best friend’s partner found out last year that he and his sister were adopted by accident after he found the adoption papers while cleaning out his dad’s place. Unfortunately his experience was pretty terrible, both his adoptive parents were alcoholics and the mother was very physically abusive as well. His adoptive parents relatives always felt that my bestie’s partner and sister should have been told that they were adopted but every time they felt like the secret was about to be spilled by the rellies they moved on to another town so he had a very disjointed childhood.
He now has major issues and is seeing a counsellor while his sister has gone off the rails big time. They both have a lot of hatred towards their adoptive parents and are desperately trying to find their birth parents. It’s heartbreaking.
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Oh Red Queen! That is such a tragic story. I hope your bestie can get some help. They both really need that now. Late discovery adoptees have a whole different set of problems than those of us (like me) who have known, since they can remember, that they were adopted. It is heartbreaking. Best wishes.
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I was in my early 20s when I discovered I had an older half sister who my mother was forced to give up after being bundled away from family and friends as a teen in an effort to hide her pregnancy. This practise did not only impact on the mother and child but also the future siblings.. I have been very lucky to meet my sister and her children but still struggle decades after the event to deal with what impact this had on my family but also my mental health!!! Sorry might be a start but will never replace what has been taken away from so many!
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This story has been on my mind all week. I’m adopted, but from about 10 years after the time in question. It makes me wonder though, how long did these attitudes persist? Maybe not just within medicine but the community at large. My adoptive mother always painted my birth mother in that light, selfless, helping them have their long desired family. The thing is, my adoptive parents both have long-term mental health issues, one of which was apparent at the time they were going through the screening process – they even recommended my dad should get some help, he never did. Whilst I never wanted for anything, we (my sister and I, she was conceived a few years later through IVF) grew up in emotional turmoil with ‘adult’ burdens and the responsibility of keeping the family together often falling to me. I remember thinking as a child that whatever my birth mother’s circumstances had been at the time of my birth, it couldn’t have possibly been as bad as the situation I was adopted into. I could be very wrong though, I still don’t know that side of my story.
I started my search for my birth parents the week before last, initially it will just be for whatever information has been kept on record by the agency. After I have that information, who knows. Adoption is a difficult topic, the feelings surrounding loss and separation are hard enough without adding layers of shame and other societal stigmas. My heart goes out to everyone affected by forced adoption practices.
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Julia. My heart is bursting for you dear girl. What an amazing person you are. I am hoping that your birth mother is going to be so thrilled and happy to hear from you. And what you have done for your sister and your adoptive parents is incredible. I was adopted 48 years ago. Just before the secrecy laws were introduced. So though I found my maternal birth family there are no records from the hospital or any information which would have been really useful as my birth mother passed away 30 years ago. Anyway, best wishes for your journey. But mostly be proud of the wonderful person you are. Stay strong.
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Thanks for your encouraging words Loulee, they mean a lot! Have you ever read any great books or any other helpful resources about reunion experiences?
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There was an organization called Jigsaw years ago (pre Internet) that was fantastic at helping find people and lend support. Might be worth looking into that. Good luck.
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Julia I will get some information together for you today. Please avoid an organisation called Origins as it is run by birth mothers and they are very damaged. They don’t like adoptees very much. More later.
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Julia the Post Adoption Resource Centre or PARC has some great information as well as books to read etc.
http://www.bensoc.org.au/postadoption/
Family and Community Services is where you apply for your file.
http://www.community.nsw.gov.au/parents_carers_and_families/fostering_and_adoption/adoption/past_adoptions.html
Actually sorry Julia I am assuming you are in NSW. Each state has a different process for getting your information.
Try starting with PARC as they will have lots of links.
Good luck!
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Beautiful brave post. Thanks for sharing Alison
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Great story and will counter it with my own. I have never felt abandoned or unloved. I am also adopted in 1971 and was adopted by a fantastic mother and father. I was raised with an adopted brother two years older than myself. I simply had a beautiful, normal, loving childhood. Sure, I had self esteem issues as a teenager, but I think everyone has those (I don’t think my adoption is the reason, but then who really knows). The odd weird, funny bit (and it’s so tiny) was my whole teenage life I thought I had fat knees…I always exercised and worried like a stupid girl about them (no skirts etc). Well…when I was 20 I met my birth mother and her mother (my grandmother)….and if you didn’t see two ladies with fat knees on small size 10 bodies, just like me! ha. I felt better after that. Once I knew they were ‘genetic’ I gave up obsessing over them. I figure they’re not my fault : )
My birth mother had been semi coerced by her parents to adopt me out and she moved down from QLD to Sydney to have me (as was the done thing)…never held me or saw me again until we tracked each other down at 18. I don’t need any government to apologise to me and I think some perspective is needed, not all babies were removed by force.
My birth mother has gone on to have a lovely family, I have met her husband and three adult children. In fact her husband has always been so welcoming and knew about her ‘hidden’ child. They could not be more welcoming and a lovely family. I am glad to have them in my life. My birth mother does not really regret her decision, as it was really a ‘family’ decision…her father had a lot to do with organising her move to Sydney etc. Of course she wonders ‘what if’, but also knows that she has had a good life and so do I.
My parents are loving and kind decent people. I am very very close to them and love them a lot. It makes me a bit sad to watch them now read the paper and ABC and feel guilt at their decision. IVF today probably would have sorted out their fertility problems. I remember my Dad saying to me once (after a few bottles of red) that he once thought he wanted to have a biological child only to feel that “special love” that people spoke about as he said “I honestly hand on heart thinks I already have it and I can’t possibly imagine loving you anymore”.
If my birth sister in QLD read this (you’ll be able to work it out “secret sister”)….I sit here with my own two amazing babies (one with the same name as your Dad – hint)…and thank you for welcoming me and also thank your mother for making the hard decision back in 1971.
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Lots of good points in your story Jessica and I know exactly what you mean about discovering genetic traits and realising how and why you do some of the things you do.
For me some of the nicest things about getting to know my biological families have been discovering things like ‘my’ chubby hands on my birth father; and witnessing my biological brothers do ‘my’ signature dance moves. When they have never seen me dance before.
Or discovering my daughter is a mini-me of my birth mother in looks and personality.
Like you, I also wholeheartedly love my adoptive parents and by no means would wish to cause them pain or sadness. And I quite simply adore at least one of my adoptive brothers and his family – my husband and I model our parenting and family life on their example.
I am not even sure I want or am seeking a government apology either.
I simply wanted to have a different side of the story told, from me as a child of forced adoption.
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Jessica- you have just saved me from writing a similar post! My experience has been so similar to yours. I’ve had a wonderful life with my adoptive family and know all my biological family also. Not all adoptive situations are bad! As a mother now myself, I couldn’t imagine the grief and loss felt by the mothers at the time, but we need to recognize that in most cases, it was done with the best intentions at a different time with very different social views and circumstances…….. Thank goodness that times and attitudes have changed. Personally, I am grateful for the path my life took……
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Alison, thank you so much for practically re-telling my story. So many of your feelings and experiences are mine.
Although adopted into a family who loved me (who already had two sons of their own), I was the daughter my mother always wanted. Although I know she loves me, I know that the tomboy who I turned out to be is not the girl she wanted. That is only the start of the differences.
Many people say that being adopted they don’t feel any different to someone who isn’t. I wish that were me – it has affected so many areas of my life and I’m incredibly jealous of my friends who have these close relationships with their mothers. After having my son, I know that the relationship between a child who was part of you is very different to the relationship I have with my parents.
I have been reunited with my birthmother but just feel cold from the relationship. I think this is mainly because she since got married, had three kids and has never told any of them about me. I don’t think she ever will. Yet she maintains minimal contact (a text on my birthday). I want to ask her why she bothers but there’s the part of me (the little child again) that craves this contact.
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Oh Borogirl. I am so sorry for what has happened with your birth mother. So sorry. I cannot believe that someone could live their lives like that. Surely the family must get the feeling that something is not right, that there is a lack of honesty. My adopted sister found that her birth mother had not told her husband or two children. She sat on my sister’s letter for a couple of weeks and then, finally, came clean. Her husband and her children were all thrilled and accepting that there was another member of the family to welcome. I bet your half siblings would also be thrilled to have you in their lives. Just remember it is her issue that she has to deal with. It’s her, not you! All best wishes.
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Loulee thanks for your thoughts. I can’t believe that she can live like that either. We actually met in 1996 so I don’t think the time thing is a factor!! I personally don’t think she will ever tell them. I’ve been trying (for about 5 years now) to come up with a way to tell her that I will one day tell her daughters about me but without it sounding threatening. I can’t so I say nothing. Part of me thinks I should just go ahead but again that little child who wants the relationship with my mother knows that if I do that my chances of it happening (the relationship) are practically zero.
It is very naughty of me but I e-stalk two of her daughters and follow them on their blogs and twitter – I even had a couple of twitter conversations with one of them. The most annoying thing is that I think I would get on really, really well with them – we have a lot in common.
So what can I do but just sit and wait? So I wait.
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I am not adopted, yet I grew up dreaming that I would find out I was. I don’t fit in with my family. I’m just different somehow. I’m sure my parents love me, but they are not the demonstrative type. They have never praised, that’s not their style. There are no warm, fuzzy emotions. They have no relationship with my children because they don’t want one. Like you, I’ve felt a special bond with my children since the moment they were born, but not everyone does. I have a girlfriend who has two children, one she adores, one she just doesn’t gel with.
I’m not telling you this to minimise the lasting effects your adoption has had on you, but to reassure you that those of us without adoption in our life story don’t necessarily feel close bonds either. I too am jealous of friends who are close with their mothers, and I’m thrilled to have a close, but not suffocating, relationship with my young adult daughter and son.
I hope you find joy.
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Thanks notmyrealname – I appreciate what you’re saying. I know I’m not alone and know a few black sheeps out there – maybe I’m just looking at my friends with the ideal relationships and skipping over the not so great ones? Its not just the internal, but the external where it sometimes is most apparent. Sitting in a room of Aunties and Uncles and seeing in looks how my brothers and their kids fit in and seeing physically that I don’t.
A friend of mine who is also adopted (and studying psychology!) discussed this with me recently. She wondered if all these things that we put down to adoption would be there anyway but because we’re adopted we always put it down to that. A deep discussion only suitable for after a couple of bottles of good red!
I do have joy in my life and appreciate it every day – I have a husband who loves and adores me (and I mostly reciprocate!) and I have my gorgeous son who makes me glow inside every time he smiles at me. I am also pregnant and due in August – definitely a celebration but also a reminder of what my own mother went through/denies. Being pregnant plus all the adoption things being in the news definitely brings this all to the forefront as although it is a part of my life, it isn’t my life.
Hope I’m making sense!
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My sister isn’t close at all to our mum (natural) and I know in the past she’s held up friends’ mothers as an example of what she thinks a mother should be to mum. I think it’s more common than we think or would like to accept.
It’s just doubly hard when it’s an adoptive situation.
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YES! I feel same. I always felt adopted, even though I’m not. When I was younger – around grade 2, I asked her if I was adopted because I felt like Cinderalla with the stepmother (her) and felt unloved… My mum is cold and rarely hands on with my kids. After my daughter was born I think she visited less than 6 times first year and I had to BEG her twice to come and visit her granddaughter. Never know why/what happened in her life for her to be this way. My Grandma on the other hand, was so loving and amazing… I would have thought my mum would have turned out like her, but she hasn’t, unfortunately.
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