Study more. Wag less. Try out for the school play. Take off that huge crucifix and stop trying to dress like Madonna during her “Like A Virgin” years (Seriously, you just look like a slightly slutty nun with bad shoes). What do you wish you’d known before you started high school? Last year Mamamia’s Rebecca Sparrow wrote “Find Your Tribe (and 9 other things I wish I’d known in high school)” a guide for teenage girls that covers everything from friendship and bullying and body image to sex, drugs and why you should never date a boy who has Cher tunes on his iPod.
We asked Bec to share the first tip in her book: Finding your tribe. This post is especially for the teenage girl in your life …
.
Let’s get one thing straight. The truth is, despite having written a novel entitled The Girl Most Likely – I wasn’t. I wasn’t the girl most likely to succeed in high school. I wasn’t a prefect. I didn’t win any awards in my final year. Not a single one. In fact, in high school I was fairly average. I got pretty good grades, I guess, but I didn’t top any subjects. And I certainly didn’t stand out. Although when I look back at photos of me at seventeen I’m not entirely sure how I DIDN’T stand out considering that in high school I looked like a cross between Tootsie and Jon Bon Jovi. Harold Bishop with a perm. That was me. Excellent.
And while we’re being honest, let’s just say that high school also handed me some of my most crushing moments. Nobody invited me to my school formal. A guy that I was madly in love with barely knew I even existed. I was so bad at Maths I ended up having to do Maths in Society. And despite the fact I’d been playing netball since I was nine, I wasn’t chosen for even the C-grade netball team in high school. Talk about a blow to the ego.
But here’s the weird bit. Despite all that rotten stuff – I loved high school. Yep. Loved it. I’m one of those people who can actually, genuinely say they enjoyed it. A number of my closest friends today are the people I whispered secrets to during Modern History and French and Drama (and, clearly, PE and Maths. I’m beginning to suspect that my grades would’ve been better if I’d actually shut up and paid attention in class).
So how does that work? What was my secret? I made some smart decisions. Starting with finding my tribe ….
FIND YOUR TRIBE
One of the major factors that will determine the quality of your time at high school is who you hang around. Your friends.
I’m going to cut to the chase: Life is too short to hang around with bitchy, negative people. So don’t. In high school you want to find your tribe. Your tribe are those friends who get you, who see the world the way you see it, who like you for who you are. They’re real friends. They don’t slag you off the moment your back is turned or routinely humiliate you and put you down. Nope. Real friends have your back – they’re fiercely loyal and protective. If you have a tribe of six friends – that’s fantastic. But even if you have just one great friend – that’s all you need.
You know what else? You don’t need to be in the cool group to enjoy high school. Aim to be someone who is friends with all different kinds of people at school. Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes calls this being a ‘floater’. Floaters do their own thing, have healthy self-esteem and they definitely don’t pay attention to peer pressure. Be authentic in your tastes. In other words, be who you are. Don’t change your personality or your interests or your taste just to hang around with girls who spend all their time bitching and making fun of other people.
All this sounds obvious, right? And yet many adults will tell you it took them years (and some painful friendship experiences) to finally get this lesson. For some reason, many of us spend our spare time with snarky, negative people who make us feel worthless.
And don’t think for a second that hanging around with the cool group will make you seem more attractive. There’s nothing attractive about someone who behaves like a sheep and follows a leader. You’re way better off hanging around with your tribe. After all, what’s attractive is a girl who is confident, who can laugh at herself, who smiles a lot and who exudes a generous spirit.
Did you love or loathe high school? Did you find your tribe? What friendship rules do you have?
Comments
158 Comments so far
Our high school tribe was formed very early in the 80′s.. a small school in a low socio-economic area gave us mostly an even footing in the totem pole! Issues that we dealt with, around us and to us, mainly centred on child abuse, welfare issues, crime and discrimination (by the wider society and even some of our teachers, because of where we lived).. no Barbies, clothes or ponies to bitch about I can assure you. We formed a strong bond that survives now because we know where we came from, we know each others stories and we trust in each other – you can’t bullshit people that know you that well!! I know that if something truly bad happened to me, these people would be packing their bags and organising flights before the phone hit the cradle… and a surprise 40th birthday party last month proved that also!
I remained in contact with quite a few when I moved interstate at the end of year 12 (RAAF brat), mostly separately from each other, until I got them all joined up again via Facebook! Every month someone else comes back into the picture, it is hilarious.. and I have found that not every bitch, is still a bitch… but some are, and it is soooo nice to go ‘meh’ and ditch them now!!
Our tribe of ratbags is now scattered across Australia, but I still manage to catch up for concerts with my gorgeous friends (and her hubby and kids!) to go to all the rock concerts we couldn’t afford as teenagers.. our first ever was Uncanny Xmen/Pseudo echo in 1984 or 85 as 14 year olds.. our next (as 40 yrs old!) is Meatloaf and Cold Chisel!! The 80′s is just tucked away in the closet.. it comes out for a bit of fun every now and then…
People think I’m strange to still have my high school friends in my life.. I just think I was lucky to find kindred souls when I did. We have our own lives and dance around on the periphery of each others, until something focusses in and we are all there to help, listen or laugh together.. I wouldn’t give them up for the world..xxx
loading...
it took a move between schools for me to find my tribe. at my previous school I was exceptionally unhappy, but once I had my tribe school became my favourite thing in the world. this week is 2 years since I graduated and I still talk to the entire tribe almost everyday and see them at least once a week
loading...
I bought this book for my daughter who started high school this year. Great advice in a very accessible format. Hope she follows it, she seems to be. Wish I had had the book when I was a kid. HIgh school is a minefield and your friends are often crueller than your enemies.
loading...
My school group was the ‘cool’ group.
My friends weren’t bitchy or judgemental.We were all more or less oblivious to other groups and their politics until direct attention was drawn to them. 20 years on and as well as friends I have gathered from other interests and activities and experiences since, those friendships have stuck. Infact it was actually the ‘Normals’ who did all the bitching, putting down and leaving out. Low self esteem, unhappiness and jelousy causes this behaviour, not the social standing.
loading...
I was just like you at school
minus the perm! (& abit better at Maths! lol
loading...
Love it – can identify with your “tribe”. I met mine in Ancient History, French and Drama, we’re all still very close. Going to have this book on the shelf for when my daughter reaches her teens.
loading...
It’s nice to hear that others disliked High School too. Like Sunny, the reminder of High School, makes me feel not so sunny. This year marks ten years since I left. Any reunion celebrations will not be about catching up with friends but celebrating the fact that finishing school and moving on was the best thing to ever happen.
I was happy to read about other awful HS experiences because I sometimes feel abnormal when over dinner everyone talks about how High School was the best part of their life. What social gene am I missing that made High School not fun?
Thanks guys for making me feel like I’m not the only one.
loading...
I think you can belong to many tribes. There are different phases in your life, different experiences that you share with different personalities, those personalities may become your dear friends at different times in your life.
I have a child that had a few tricks at primary school, she now loves high school, but I still tell her that school will pass and things will change, what you take from it is up to you, don’t let school shape your life, you shape your school life the way you want it to be.
Some time ago I was in a debate at a dinner party regarding “are your best friends from school or uni” my friends aren’t pigeon holed, my friends are those who have shared my experiences, my friends are the ones I phone when I have something amazing to tell them or that tragedy has struck or even that my chicken pie sucks! friends are those who don’t pass judgement, no matter what. Those friends are from school, uni, pony club, swimming, netball, old family friends children and kids on your block!
So when your at school choose your tribe on how someone makes you feel, after all at that school reunion, you may forget their name but you will never forget how they made you feel!
I look forward to reading your book
loading...
“don’t let school shape your life, you shape your school life the way you want it to be”
What an awesome comment. I’m going to hang on to that for when my girls are older.
loading...
I met the greatest group of friends in Year 9 – we’re all from different cultural backgrounds, we have different style and we like different music and movies.
But they are the most loyal group of friends I could ever ask for. Never once have they made me feel bad about how I look, or how bad I am at Maths…we support one another and love each other dearly.
We’ve been out of highschool for nearly 3 years now and we are still the best of friends.
loading...
I loathed high school, until Year 11, when I found my tribe. We all sort of just came together, we all knew each other, we were all looking for different people to talk to, listent to music with, to giggle with. We had so much fun, and we still do. We’re not in each others pockets, but over 10 years on and we’ll all catch up and check in at least 4 times a year
One friendship rule that comes to mind is –
Dont let silly things get in the way of friendship – including boys, other girls, and misunderstandings. We can be highly emotional beings and sometimes taking a step back can save a friendship that you will regret losing a few days after. (wish i could tell my 17 year old self that)
oh and people change… people you knew when you were 17 arent the same people at 27 etc. you change, and so do they
loading...
I bought this book for my daughter in Year 7. Very good advice and quite amazingly, my daughter (who normally only reads facebook updates, text messages and Dolly magazines) actually took the time to read it AND show it to her friends. Good work, Rebecca!
loading...
Now hearing that is better than reading any review by a book critic. Music to my ears! Thanks Catherine!
loading...
I loved this post, fantastic. My daughter is 7 and I try and say to her, don’t have just one BFF (as she calls it) have lots of friends, friends who have your back and accept you for you. I am definitely going to buy this book for my daughter and me to both read when she is a little older.
loading...
Great work Bec. Off to get the book tomorrow……I always wanted a bestie but had loads of friends from all parts of the school yard instead, and seems this worked best in the end. There was always someone to hang out with. We just had 20yr reunion and I had so many old buddies to catch up with, it was a blast. Hope my girls will be ‘floaters’ too! 80′s were ace xo
loading...
I stopped reading at “I loved highschool”. I threw up in my mouth a bit and decided it was for the best I stopped.
The best thing anyone ever told me about highschool? “People often tell you that highschool is the best years of your life, for me that wasn’t true, so just get through it, then things get a lot better”. That was golden advice.
Do please, if there are girls on here thinking ‘but I hate highschool, I’ve tried to find my tribe but girls are b*tches, and it’s not fun”, you’re not alone, don’t worry about crap like this book, and just get through it. Afterwards you get to go to uni, and then in to the workforce, and it’s all awesome because you get to pick who you hang around.
loading...
Sunny, before you dump on this book, have a look at it – it’s smart and honest. There are pages and pages about how high school is just a tiny, tiny part of your life – there are much bigger things ahead. Bec had a great time at school but acknowledges that lots of people don’t. They find high school lonely and scary and miserable. The book is for them as much as anyone. That was my take.
loading...
Hi Sunny
My book includes quotes from well-known people (Ruby Rose, best-selling author Kim Wilkins) who hated high school and who talk about how they got through it. This is NOT a book about why everyone should love high school. It’s about how to survive it. And maybe even enjoy it a little bit.
Thanks for your comment though. All adds to the conversation.
loading...
I know this book is primarily aimed at teenage girls (and I wish it had been around when I was in High School), but is it relevant to teenage boys too? If I give it to my teenage boy is he going to roll his eyes and toss it aside as being ‘just for girls’, or might he actually find it useful?
“…what’s attractive is a girl who is confident, who can laugh at herself, who smiles a lot and who exudes a generous spirit” could equally apply to boys. Couldn’t it?
loading...
Hi Tara
I know a few parents who have bought the book for their sons to read. I wrote it specifically for girls because i know first hand the specific concerns teenage girls have. And since I’m not privy to “teen boy world” I didn’t want to write about them as if I knew what it was like to walk in their shoes. But yes, many of the lessons in the book are applicable to both!
loading...
Thanks Bec!
Before you replied I checked with my library for your book, and they didn’t have it. So, I requested that they purchase it, and they have, and it’s on the way, and I’m first in the queue to borrow it lol (there are already 3 other requests, so no doubt other MamaMia readers in my neighbourhood)!
So, I’ll give your book to #1 son to read – after I’ve read it first – and if it’s relevant and he likes it then I’ll buy it. And if it’s not and he doesn’t, then no matter because my library bought a copy and it’s now there for others to enjoy.
loading...
Brilliant! I love libraries! So glad they bought a copy for readers to enjoy. Happy reading!
loading...
In year 7 a girl from another primary school walked up to me and said we were going to be best friends. I didn’t know it at the time but she was the cool, pretty, funny girl from the other school and all of a sudden I was in the ‘cool’ group. It was tough because all her other friends resented the attention she paid me and decided they did’t want me around. I found myself trying to ‘prove my coolness’.. I ended up being a floater, not meaning to, but because I rode the bus home with a whole other crowd on the ‘housing commission’ side of town. (Not the poshy side of town where the cool girls lived.) I was only 12. When I look at my nieces and nephews now at 10 and 11 I can’t see them thinking this way, but I know they must be.. shame.. there are so many more important things to spend time on. I must try to remember to have patience with them and understand their world.. I was there once.
loading...
Our year had been together since reception with a few people coming in yr 8 and some leaving but while we had our groups we all got along pretty well. The ‘cool’ girls , even though they were actually rather nice always intimidated me for some reason. I was always into nerdy things and after highschool I discovered through facebook that some of the cool girls were into some of the same nerdy things as me.
loading...
I really cringe when i admit this, but i was the most popular girl in my high school. Ugh!
Unfortunately, i think i met most of the criteria?
Made out with all the boys? Check
Snuck out to go partying? Check
Had 2 bestfriends who were the prettiest girls in school? Check
Wealthy parents who travelled all the time? Check
School prefect? Check
Dressed head to toe in Supre? Check
Did stupid dances at every school concert? Check
How mortifying it is to admit that! After high school i became the biggest geek though. Fast forward 6 years and i have been with the same guy for 5 years, i can’t even remember the last time i walked into Supre, i got my degree, i work as a pharmacist and i’m doing my masters part time.
I hope people realise that the bitchy popular girl doesn’t always become what everyone thinks she will (although i realise most of the time they do!)
loading...
I was a floater and it was great, until year 12 and everyone started organising schoolies. I wasn’t in anyone’s official tribe so i didn’t get an invite to any tribe schoolies… laaaaaame.
loading...
Oh Bec, I am off to find your book to buy, it’ sounds wonderful, especially since my eldest starts high school next year!
I loved Hugh school, even though I was a nerd with bouffy 80′s hair and glasses that Dame Edna would have been proud of. I too did Maths in Society, fondly known by all as Vegie Maths lol, but excelled in 3units of English and the Histories. I had a great bunch of girlfriends and 5of us are still best friends and regularly meet up. I would be lost without them. They have never judged me, they liked me before I got contact lenses and even in spite of my Olivia Newton John obsession in year 7. We are all completely different, have had wildly varying careers, have had various crappy relationships, some have kids, some don’t and don’t want them and spoil our offspring like nothing else.
I remember in year 12 some of the more bitchy girls called out group of 11 friends, “a bunch of misfits”. We think we were meant to be offended but we weren’t, because we celebrated our individuality and tolerance. These are the things I want to pass onto my daughter. Finding your Tribe is never easy, but well worth it when you do!
Now, if I could just destroy some of those old photos lol!!!!
loading...
I was not one that stuck in groups and wanted to be one that was neutal and just get on fine with everyone and had my own lifestyle as I am european and our school was mainly anglo with a small mix of europeans in the 70’80′s. I am still the same today I enjoy knowing people that show humility, honour and integrity and most of all are humble i have no time for Jones people as they are really hiding their insecurities and they are like a ticking time bomb. We are all human and came into the world the same way and will exit the same way. Its the great mark we leave behind us that anyone will remember and I think i would like to be remembered as a considerate and honest friend, loving mother and wife and most importantly to know myself well. You all owe it to yourselves to know what your are about and be true to that and true to others as that is what counts.
loading...
Notice that no one admits to being the “queen Bee”? Isn’t it a matter of perception? I always thought I was a bit a floater ( sounds like something in a toilet!) But when I went to my 20 year reunion (missed the ten years one) I was told I was in fact the popular one! This was not my perception as I always felt somewhat left out as I was the child of a single mother and not wealthy at a school where most girls had money.
Makes me think the whole thing is in the eye of the beholder!
loading...
I think people would hate to see themselves as the ‘Queen Bee’ – but we all know who they were and who they are!!
loading...
Keep in mind though, your perception of ‘popular’ changes as you get older and wiser. In high school I thought it was the girls with the cool clothes and bitchy comments that were ‘popular’, but now I look back, no one actually liked them! And now I would describe the fun, authentic girls as the actual popular ones back then.
loading...
I had a best friend from playgroup that I went to school with from kinder to year 10. We are still friends and occasionally she would get cranky that I wanted to hang with other kids sometimes. We had a few fights over the years over other kids as the kid I was hanging out with would gang up on my first mate. Tricky situations sometimes. I am still really good mates with her now and she knows me best out of any of my friends.
Then I went to boarding school when I was in year 11. I found a lot of people in the same boat as me (new to boarding in year 11). We all hung out together and once we got to know each other better, we started to form groups within the group. Some people felt a bit left out when others had their “in jokes”. I tried to be neutral and that is when I started to float around. Some girls were so preoccupied with hating the “cool groups” that they were bitching about “the bitches” so much that they were turning into bitches themselves.
I was fairly easily led and would do anything for a friend that I let a friend lead me astray and get drunk one night. I should of stood up for myself more, and as I was too drunk to walk back to school, I would of been in the shit – but not as badly as I stayed out all night and slept on the lawn. Insane!
Anyway, I had friends say “Why do you talk to suchandsuch? I wouldn’t speak to them at all”. And I would think how narrow and mean that was even though the person saying it was so bitter about being “non cool” that they were just being immature about it all.
I floated a lot in year 12 and I can talk to anyone in my year. There were some snobs, but overall I liked that I didn’t have to committ to one group and be pigeonholed by it.
I have regrets – mostly that I was easily led and that I could of mingled even more had I not held myself back so much.
loading...
I really looked hard for my tribe in high school – it’s just that no one was offering full time memberships.
loading...
I can relate to this. I changed high school three times (not by choice) and high school girl tribes can be extremely hard to break into!
loading...
In year seven and early high school, I was a follower. I think I thought if I was the same as everybody else it would mean that I would be liked by everybody else. I’m ashamed to say that I was pretty rude to some of the nicer kids because I thought that would help push me up the social ladder- safe to say that it didn’t help, at all. Anyway, in year nine or ten I decided I would just be whoever I wanted to be, but I’m still pretty self-conscious and sometimes I still feel a bit like people are judging me. Since year eleven, I’ve got some bad self esteem issues and I even started cutting myself a bit. But now I’m starting to realise that it doesn’t matter what these people think because at the end of the year I’m not going to have to see most of them again. I think I’ve figured out that I should just be myself because if people are going to petty enough to mock you behind your back, then they’re obviously not worth the trouble.
Thanks Bec, this post has helped me to see how important it is to stick with my real friends instead of trying to be someone that I’m not.
loading...
I’ve had people tell me they hated high school and don’t talk to anyone from school these days. Then when I say that my best friends are the people I met in school they look at me like I haven’t grown up yet or need to get out more. Why?
I was never ‘cool’ at school but was happy and kept the most amazing friends. These people were my friends when my face was covered in acne at age 14, when my underwear fell out of my PE bag in front of the boys, when i threw up in our hotel lift at schoolies and they don’t laugh at me when we talk about my high school BF who is now gay (well not really). Nobody will ever replace these people. Why would you try.
My advice – stick with the people that smile at you. Embrace them regardless of the status quo. Nobody is cool, everyone is lame in school, that’s the fun.
loading...
I was lucky in that my best friend ended up at a different school to me, but still lived across the street. In fact, there was a whole bunch of girls our age in the four houses near mine so if I didn’t want to deal with the bitchiness at school, I had a whole other life and group of friends to hang with on weekends/ holidays.
I’ve always been a bit of a floater. Growing up in a country town showed me that you’re never going to to find a whole bunch of people there that are into exactly the same things you are. Its ok to have friends that you go to the movies with/ go shopping with/ go to concerts with.
Unfortunately, a lot of high school girls don’t like ‘the floater’. I think they’re suspicious of us, or maybe they’re a little insulted that we sometimes enjoy another’s company more than theirs. I had some pretty horrific bullying experiences over the years (someone even tried to throw me down the stairs), but I got through it by removing myself from the situation when I needed to.
Some of my best friends now were in ‘the group’ who’s leader made my life hell, but I guess their fear of it happening to them stopped them from doing anything. I don’t blame them, I first attracted her attention while defending another girl and after that girl left due to the bullying I became the prime target.
In year 11 & 12 things really turned around for me. I started to hit my stride. A lot of the horrible girls left school as soon as they could (which makes me think they were just nasty out of boredom) and having elective subjects put me in classes with a lot of like-minded people. Free periods meant hanging out with kids that I hadn’t necessarily spoken to much and even (shock) talking to boys – which you couldn’t really do before without the eyes of the world on you.
Then in year 12 we lost a friend who had been at school with most of us since we were in kindergarten. Suddenly everything seemed so stupid and we all got along really well. When I gave the speech at my friend’s memorial service I remember being shocked at the support I received from classmates who never spoke to me before. The popular girls were crying and hugging me.
After that, the crap just stopped. There were still a few girls who tried to rule the class but they were pretty quickly dismissed. We graduated year 12 as friends. Its a shame that it took something so tragic to make things right but I guess that puts it in perspective.
I won’t go into the details of where ‘those’ girls are now. I don’t like to criticise their post-school lives – we’re all from the same dodgy neighbourhood and it could have just as easily been me.
The best thing to do is let it go and be happy with the knowledge that, despite the niggling little regrets, it all worked out ok for you.
loading...
I did alright in secondary school I think. I had my tribe, we found each other in year 7 and suck together for the time we were at school, there were from four to six of us. Most of the time we were ‘under the radar’ managing to steer clear of the bullies aka ‘the toughies’ of our all girl school. We were generally considered a waste of attention I think! Not quite daggy enough to bother with usually. One of my friends was, and remains incredibly intelligent, and that did lead to her copping more than her fair share of bullying from one girl. A girl who we used to talk about ‘bumping off’ she was so mean!
Most of the time I managed to remain the girl that ‘everyone’ liked because I’d just be friendly to anyone, even if I secretly though their choices were wrong like smoking. Just smile at their jokes and move on!
As Sally suggested, the toughies, the ones that we were all cautious of, have ended up no-where for the most part. I remember seeing one of the most dangerous girls, who loved to bash people up, about a year after school and she was pregnant and on drugs. I suspect now that these toughies had a pretty miserable life outside of school, and that is why they were so horrible to others at school.
I hope I can bring up children who are confident enough to find their tribe and ride the roller coaster of years 7 to 12 relatively confidently.
loading...
It’s so true MBK’s Mum – since seeing this post, I’ve been asking around some other people today, and in each of their high school experiences, they all said the same thing about what happened to the ‘cool’ kids. Phew…glad I wasn’t one of them!
loading...
Yes, it’s a sad reality. All those kids I disliked really deserved a bit of positive attention rather than detention. When you look at the picture like that, it seems so easy to reduce bullying to nearly zero, but humans being what they are, I suspect the bullies will have little bullies of their own.
My daughter (8) was bullied by a boy of about 10 yesterday. She told me though, she was angry at him for throwing her things, not sad or frightened. He called her a name, and they were the only two there at the time. She had no hesitation in telling a teacher what happened as she’s so Navy (remember a recent thread?) like her Mum! Hopefully this was a one off incident and not the start of something.
loading...
A positive track indeed I think…she told you and she told her teacher…the sad and frightened response usually elicits no telling of the event at all. All the best to her! x
loading...
Thanks
Well, while I certainly don’t want her bullied, I agree it’s a positive that she felt confident to deal with this. I remember hearing the importants of talking to your children about anything and nothing each day, so that when there is something important the conversation is already natural. LOL We certainly talk about ‘nothing’ and I guess that’s paying off.
loading...
I absolutely hated most of high school with a passion. I was the perfect target for bullies (boys and girls) – younger, smaller, quieter and good at my studies. I let people make my life hell.
I still remember getting to school late one morning (after begging my mum to not make me go) to find that my locker had been spray painted. I tried to put on a brave face pretending it was great because I could find my locker more easily, but inside I was dying. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. There was the hiding in the gym change rooms covering my undeveloped breasts, and then the boys who would taunt me if I got one question wrong on a test with “well your mummy and daddy won’t be putting that on the fridge tonight”. It was only in the last couple of years of high school when doing my VCE that I ‘found my tribe’ and stopped worrying about the others (who by that stage wanted my help with their studies – how ironic!). I left them all behind but I wish I had nicer memories of school.
My daughter is 3 next week and I will need to decide in the next year whether to send her to school at aged 4 (nearly 5) or 5 turning 6. I pray she will be stronger than I was.
loading...
Funny, my long term memory is terrible, I can barely remember what I did last month, let alone last year, but I can still VIVIDLY recall high school. The desperate unrequited yearning for Josh Goldenbum. Having the ‘wrong’ type of parka. Never feeling cool. Being treated as a bit tragic by the popular girls.
High school can be pretty painful. Thanks for helping girls to find their way. I wish I’d had a book like this.
loading...
This book is fantastic. I have bought it for all my nieces and nephews and god-children. So helpful. Thanks Bec.
loading...
Happy to say that this year, in Year 12, I’m happily getting on with my tribe, and it makes every day worth coming to school.
Happiness is something I’ve often hungered after, and now I feel like I have a chance to find it.
Love this, Bec! Will have to see if the book is in the library!
loading...
I love your tumblr blog! It is a must visit!
loading...
Aww, why thankyou Louise! I actually posted a link to your amazing blog on my Tumblr yesterday, so hopefully a few more people can experience your amazing writing
loading...
Thank you!
loading...
Love this book! As a teenager of the eighties could sooooo relate to this. Now have it for my daughter.
loading...
Wow, this post is fantastic, thanks so much Rebecca, it really resonated a lot with me.
All through high school I most definitely was not at all from my tribe. I hung around the girls you describe – bitchy and negative, disloyal, just generally Queen Bees. The antithesis of myself basically.
After 6 poisonous years with these girls in year 11 and 12 (with the help of my boyfriend) I finally broke away and became exactly what you describe, a “floater”. I became friends with lots of different people from lots of different groups. In Year 12 I was voted Captain and blitzed the HSC.
These days I’m 22 and my closest friends are ones I did go to high school with, but I’ll always be sad I wasn’t with them from the beginning, for they are VERY MUCH my tribe, through and through.
And that group of nasty bitchy girls I did hang around?
And not just them, but all the girls considered cool, popular and hot in high school – well it’s clear high school truly was their peak.
Those girls now – they have either all gotten heavily intro drinking and or drugs, had one or a series of very bad relationships involving cheating and less-than-desirable partners, some of whom they have been engaged to, married, or had children with. The majority of theme are obese, chain smokers, and none of them have careers whatsoever, they are in and out of dead-end jobs.
The tribe I’m in now, the ‘losers’ in high school…we all receive a fair amount of male attention, we all work out together, we all have hobbies and interests we’re passionate about, we’re all studying, traveling and/or pursuing career interests.
It’s amazing how life works out..
loading...
This is a fantastic book, I got it for my daughter last year and it just has the best advice (all the things I tell my daughter, but she will believe it more if it comes from someone else!!)
loading...
I’ve read and LOVE this book! It’s awesome! Fantastic job, Bec! I think I sent you an email before but I’m not sure it got through.
Like the order high school brings in my life otherwise loathe it (mostly just the Maths)!
loading...
I didn’t get it Louise! Did you send it to my email address? Bec at rebeccasparrow.com ?
xxx
loading...
Yeah I did send it there but sometimes (especially with me) emails seem to get lost in cyber space!
It was just a couple of questions about being published and so on because it is my dream to publish a book on day!
If you’d like a look at some of my writing you can find me http://www.silencingthemirror.blogspot.com.
Keep up the fantastic work,
Louise.
xoxo
loading...
I can’t say I loved school but I also can’t say I hated it beyond anything. It took me three years to realise exactly what this post says, those girls (and boys) who just aren’t nice people just aren’t worth your time. I had plenty of chances to work out the kind of tribe I wanted around me, I was an exchange student to the USA so I started with a whole new group of people three times in the last two grades of school. This, and the fact that I’m a defence brat used to starting again in new schools, helped me to work out the people who were part of my tribe. I was still bullied and there were days I never wanted to go back but I got good grades and got into a great uni. Now I have a great tribe and a happy life.
loading...
I quite enjoyed high school. I had my tribe but unlike most in my tribe, I did cross into other groups at times. I went to a small high school, so we all had to get along well enough and we often mingles with the years above and below us.
Being a country school though, we all moved away. I’ve kept in contact with a few of them (the keepers) but they all live so far away from me.
In the past few years I would be at friends weddings where the bride and her bridesmaids were all best mates from school and was sad that I didn’t have that. Throughout my 20s I floated between groups of friends and finally 2 years ago, I met 4 girls through work who I know are my tribe. At 29….I finally found them and it has been such a blast…
loading...
I was definitely a floater at high school and do agree it made my time somewhat easier than for most. It meant I got to be friends with so many different types of people and always found the ones considered the most uncool were actually the most interesting. They were also the ones who ended up being the most successful adults, funny that! I think being a floater meant I was never put under as much peer pressure, if I didnt like one group of friends were getting up to, I just hung out with another. It also meant hat I to escape a lot of bitchiness that sometimes occurs in exclusive groups. My husband was also a floater, and thus didn’t hate his high school experience either. We are both artists now and I think the fact that we always sat on the outer edges of school groups has meant that we have felt quite comfortable pursuing careers that are somewhat on the outer as adults.
loading...
I was a nerd at school from late primary school until year 10. I got bullied at times too. I was one of the brighter kids you see. In year 10 I changed schools and started hanging out with the “cool” kids which almost inevitably ended up with me making a huge mess of my life until my early 20s when I finally grew a brain (or grew it back). I just hope those of my girls still yet to go through high school do better than me.
loading...
I was lucky. I really enjoyed school, had a great group of friends, some of whom I’m still friends with, and did really well in a couple of subjects. Uni, however: none of my friends went to my uni, and I never found a ‘tribe’. I spent as little time there as possible, so I can imagine how that sense of isolation is so much worse for those at school with no tribe.
loading...
What a great idea for a book! I wish I had a copy back when I was a bratty little high schooler.
Kinda feel like buying it in bulk and handing it out to random teenage girls.
loading...
I was a floater in high school, and loved the mix of friends I had. Even now I have friends who wouldn’t have a lot in common if we were all in a group, but I love the mix of personalities and types of friends I have. I blogged on the weekend about ‘inhale’ versus ‘exhale’ friends. To me, ‘exhale’ friends are those who accept you and you can just be yourself around. I try not to be around the ‘inhale’ type, the ones that are bitchy and negative and leave me with a tight feeling in my chest.
loading...
I had a tribe. It was a good tribe. I enjoyed school.
But I now have little in common with the people who were in my tribe. Today, my closest friend from school days belonged to another tribe, and we have had many conversations about why we were never in the same tribe.
loading...
I went to four different high schools and spent most of that time trying to find my tribe … every time I found it we moved again!
It’s funny you mention ‘floaters’ as I noticed (and envied) them in every school I attended. But alas, I was too shy to become one.
My daughter, however, is a floater of the highest order! She can’t understand why some people at school doggedly stick to the same friends every recess and lunchtime. She plays with older kids, younger kids, boys, girls, special needs kids, teachers … if it has a heartbeat she’s onto it. She’s only in Year 4 so time will tell whether she manages to keep it up in high school. I’m praying she does.
loading...
Hey Bec
I love your style of writing – just wanted to let you know that. Do you have any details to shed on your book being made into a feature film, ie where it will be filmed and which actors will be in it? Just curious!
loading...
You can read about it at http://www.thegirlmostlikelyfilm.com Many readers are keen to see Jessica Marais (Packed to the Rafters) or Isla Fisher in the lead role. And the main character’s best friend has Ruby Rose’s name all over it. Very exciting! But it can take years – YEARS – to get a movie made in Australia, so I’m not letting myself get too excited just yet. Thanks for asking about it though!
loading...
I can definately see Jessica Marais in the role
How exciting for you! Congrats
loading...
Interestingly, the main role is based on me. So that means Jessica Marais would be playing me. I look like I ate Jessica Marais.
loading...
I look like I ate you AND Jessica Marais!!
loading...
I hear you, sister. x You sound like you’re from my tribe!
loading...
Wow Bec, I didn’t know it was maybe getting made into a film!
loading...
Wish I’d had this advice! I hated school, and it mostly had to do with the groups. I tried being a floater, but was promptly told that I had to either be in the group or out of it. Guess that’s why I now feel so angsty about the cliquey groups that inevitably form in life. It’s interesting that after seeing a lot of info recently about bullying that I’ve now realised that happened to me to a certain extent. I found it even more interesting that all those girls in various groups that never spoke at school are now all friends on fb!
loading...
Looking back, one of the biggest mistakes I made at high school was trying desperately to be popular. In year seven I followed the “cool” girls around like a puppy, even though I was never really allowed to be part of their group. I sat with them at lunch time but they never spoke to me, I was never invited to group outings and they bitched about me behind my back (sometimes when I was in close enough earshot to overhear). In hindsight I completely embarrassed myself trying to be something that is not in my DNA to be. Even worse, is that I snubbed girls who genuinely seemed to want to hang out with me because in my thirteen-year-old mind I thought I could “do better” than them.
So good on you for finding your tribe! If I had had the sense to do so it would have made the early years of high school much happier.
loading...
Ah Bec, you are so wise! Especially with that pic of you in your glasses from high school. I got lucky in high school. Well, earlier even. I went to school in the country. I made my life long friends when I started in Year 3 and finished high school with them. They’re still my great mates today. I never felt uncomfortable in high school. Never. Not everyone can say the same and I really think my friends had a lot to do with that.
loading...
I think you would have been brilliant to hang around with in high school, Rick. I spent most of my time in high school pretending to study while secretly plotting ways to make a boy called Brendan fall in love with me. As you do.
loading...
I’ll be buying a copy for my daughters! I had very strict parents in high school. They wouldnt let me do the things the ‘cool’ girls at my school did, like go to parties til early morning, drink and shag boys in my bedroom. My parents said they werent cool they were the ‘rough’ girls with parents who didnt care about what they did. As a parent now I can see they were right but at the time I thought they were so mean.
At our 20year school reunion the ‘cool’ girls were very nasty women who didnt appear very happy with their lives and insulted people all night. So I guess I have to thank my parents for being ‘mean’ because while the ‘cool’ girls were partying and having a great social life, my friends and I (with like minded parents) were studying and doing well at school. Now we can enjoy our hard work and the ‘cool’ girls are trapped in lives where they dont have a lot of choice.
loading...