‘He physically and emotionally abused me for years until I gathered the courage to leave.’
by ANONYMOUS
“I want Dadddddddddy,” my four-year-old daughter screamed, sounding in real emotional distress. The sound pierced my ears straight through to my heart. She was crying because I said that we couldn’t have hot chips for dinner. My immediate reaction was not to feel sorry for her that she wanted her Daddy whom she loves, but rather I was angry.
The ‘Daddy’ she was referring to was the one that physically and emotionally abused me for years until I finally gathered up the courage to leave, escorted by police for my safety after he wrote my car off, with me inside it, whilst holding our daughter. He is a real gem.
I have had shared custody of our daughter for the last three years. I do not believe in taking away my daughter’s bond with her father, I’m not like that. Besides, it was me he wasn’t great with, not our daughter. I would never say a bad word about him to her as I grew up with my mother writing off my father to me and that never did me any good.
Strangely, a few months ago, my daughter’s father willingly gave me full custody as he said it was ‘the best’ for my daughter, very out of character for a control freak. Meanwhile, he has since admitted that it was because his current girlfriend gave him the decision between our daughter and herself as she wasn’t getting enough time with him in the evenings.
There was so much behind my frustration to my little princess crying out for her daddy. I wanted to say to her, “well Daddy didn’t love me the way that I thought was a good example for you to grow up with,” or “daddy loves someone else and is living happily ever after on the other side of town now,” or “guess what babe, all those Disney stories I read to you are rubbish and you shouldn’t rely on a man to save you, you need to pave your own life and if you are lucky you can be strong enough to understand and recognise real love, and that way when you choose to let it in you will have your happily ever after.”
It was 5.30pm, I had just picked her up from kindy and had been having a huge week with work, was stressed out with finances as always whilst trying to provide a nice home for myself and my daughter, my relationship with my partner was ending and I was just plain old exhausted from life. This cry out for daddy was not the first occasion, this happened at least twice a day. And was not easy to swallow.
We drove home to face the nighttime juggle that is to have a young child and not have any support, as she cried for her daddy it made me grit my teeth and honestly want to punch my steering wheel. I have taught myself something over the last few years of sleep deprived life, to just breathe and not react until I came up with some kind of responsible reply.
I put myself in her position and made myself experience her emotions. She was used to seeing her Daddy every single day. Then for reasons unbeknown to her, she didn’t. Why? Why couldn’t she see her Daddy if she wanted to? But he is fun, he loves her, he takes her bike riding, he takes her to the park. So why isn’t mummy letting me see him? Screw you Mum, I’m not brushing my teeth … “I want daddddddy!”
The truth is, it’s not mummy not letting her see her daddy. When the decision was being made I was so happy, and still am. But no one told me about the reality that they may cry out for the other parent when you are making them do the things they don’t want to do. I was not prepared for those moments of emotional distress that we would both experience. In my head, initially, when she would cry out for her Daddy I would get irritated because to me, she was just saying it because I was making her do something she didn’t want to do, and it used to hurt me. But after putting myself in her shoes I understand and now don’t feel that way if she ever cries for him.
Instead of getting frustrated that she is crying out for the person that I am so frustrated with, I turn it around and empathize with her, and love her more than she will ever know. Instead of getting frustrated and snapping, I let in the feelings of frustration in one breath, and exhale them out again. Then speak to my daughter with empathy and compassion and shower her with my love, although sometimes, through gritted teeth.
Anonymous is a Mamamia reader.
Comments
56 Comments so far
I read this article and could really empathise. My marriage ended 5 years ago because of repeated infidelity and (whilst it took me a long time to name it), emotional abuse. My children were 7 & 9 at the time. Over 5 years, the toxic & dishonest behaviour continues – a 3 year costly legal battle to access my share of the marital assets (whilst he and his new wife lived in our former marital home), claiming to not work and be incapacitated to maximise child support payment from ME whilst building a new home and buying a new luxury care I might add. It would have been soooo easy to have verbalised this to my children but I took the high road every time because at the end of the day it’s my job to protect them, their innocence and most of all protect their right to believe their dad is a demi-god. There have countless times that’s been a really difficult task. Like the many times, I get the judgement from my children because I can’t be there at every school assembly or sports day like dad does. Like the writer, I take a silent deep breath and simply say “I’m so sorry darling, mum would love nothing more that to be there but I have to work. If I don’t work, I can’t afford to look after us and working hard for what we need and want is the values of this family”. I know the day is coming that they’ll start putting all the pieces together – I hear the dots being connected in some of the observations they make. I listen but don’t comment. When they’re both adults and they ask me for answers I’ll give it to them – but only when I know that they’re emotionally ready for that conversation. It’s the firm view of those around me that they will judge him one day. If they do, it can only be because they have formed that opinion on their own and I have in no way, shape or form been responsible for planting a toxic seed that they would quite rightly judge me for too. So for now it’s my job as their mum to cocoon them from “adult business”. For now I’ll just continue to take deep breaths when necessary, love them and let them believe their dad is a super-hero. The fact that I have 2 amazing and well adjusted children and can sleep well at night with a clear conscience tells me I’ve made the right decision.
Sending you and your daughter love & light. Have faith (as I do) that you are raising an amazing human being who will one day have the knowledge and insight to realise how deeply you’ve loved her and the lengths you’ve gone to protect her and make her world a beautiful place xx
loading...
I left my boys dad when my youngest was 8 months old as he became abusive and controlling. When my youngest was 3 their dad decided that he doesn’t want to be in their lives as ‘ he needed to move on with his life’. It is only this year when my youngest is nearly 9 that I started telling them the truth about their dad. Their dad became this legendary figure in their heads and my youngest was struggling with the idea that tis ‘amazing’ man doesn’t want him in his life. It played on his self esteem and self worth and I believe that he deserved to know the truth about his dad and realize that his fathers decision was not his fault.. Beautifully written and I commend you for your patience, I know it’s not easy x
loading...
And this is why, when told by a counsellor, that one of our kids was “ok” because “they really love their other family” it didn’t bring me any joy. Children are programmed to love their parents, regardless of how their parents actually treat them.
Anonymous, just grit your teeth, say “I know, love” and get on with it. She will grow out of it and when a step-dad comes into her life she will (hopefully) get all those wonderful things girls need from a male role model.
loading...
I just want to let you know how normal it is for kids to say ” I want daddy”
First, I had experienced my own child do this over and over again. The difference is that he got to see his dad alot and still did this. My situation is different in that he cheated on me.
Anyway every time I heard this I felt confused and almost embarrased that he wants his daddy. Until I started to work in a refugee where woman have escaped domestic violence. I have now heard several children say ” I want daddy” when they are upset….
I do not take it so personally any more…..
loading...
You are very brave for leaving your husband. And good for you for letting your daughter believe her dad is what a dad should be. That must be difficult to do.
I do believe we should encourage our daughters to become self-reliant and educated, so they do not have to depend on anyone else when they are adults; however, I do not agree we should say things like “Don’t rely on any man.” There are some incredibly kind, respectful men out there and it paints the picture that all men should not be trusted. How horrible is it to go through life mistrusting 50% of the population? I know some horrible women, too, but I would not tell my daughter “You shouldn’t trust your best girlfriend because she’ll likely stab you in the back in a few years.” Just my two cents.
loading...
Some of you don’t agree with me on a couple of points, and of course that’s fine………….I’m talking from experience.
I hate to think how our lives would have panned out had I done the conventional thing and “hung in there”………
Teenage marriages can sometimes be a disaster – at that age most of us don’t have the wisdom to choose the right people and invite them into our lives.
It takes courage to change your life for the better……sadly, children can often be a casualty of our decisions and I absolutely know that many of them understand more than we think – it’s just a matter of using age-appropriate language and sensitivity.
loading...
Really it seems like one of those you don’t know anything about a relationship unless you are in it scenarios. Things could have seemed like they were going wonderfully for this couple until it all fell apart. You wanna know who I feel sorry for?? A little girl who has no idea what’s happened to her parents and just wants her life to go back to the way it used to be.
loading...
Surviving domestic violence is never easy for anyone involved. Sometimes women stay for just these reasons. It can be very hard, but one day your daughter will understand and really respect what you have done for her and the support you have given her, particularly not speaking badly of her father to her. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job!
loading...
Thank you for sharing this.
Your pain seems immense.
I think your daughter will likely inherit a beautifully strong set of values from you and that is one of the best gifts a parent can give.
loading...
I have shared care of my daughter with my ex-wife and its been a pretty amicable split (as amicable as a divorce can get!). But my 4yr old does often try the “I want mummy/daddy” thing to both me and her mum when she doesn’t get her way.
She probably does miss her father, but also be aware that 4 year olds are very good at working out what techniques work and what don’t when it comes to manipulating their parents and they don’t hesitate at using guilt as a very effective tool!
I totally don’t understand a father who would just give up significant contact with his child. I work fulltime and my daughter is at my place for half the week and so don’t really have any spare time. But there’s no way I’d give up time with my daughter for a relationship.
loading...
Congratulations to you for escaping the clutches of this moron.
Both you and your daughter are so much better off…..
Of course she’ll do the “Daddy” thing because she’s only seen the best of him but eventually she would have seen the evil, abusive side and you’ve spared her that for now.
Abusive behaviour imprints itself onto children……….so many kids grow up in a “schoolroom ” for abuse that they fall into the trap of thinking that kind of torment is normal between adults – particularly in marriage.
They too have relationships with people who display abusive behaviour and sadly some eventually repeat the cycle of abuse themselves.
You simply must tell your daughter from now on that he may be nice to her – but he was NEVER nice to you.
She deserves to know the truth.
It would be a bit different if you & this bloke amicably separated (as many do) – I wouldn’t bad-mouth him under those circumstances – but he hurt you and put you both in serious danger so he deserves to pay for that…….
Let her know subtly that he’s unkind & dangerous – but don’t say anything that she can repeat back to him……….she’ll learn about who he really is when she’s older.
Personally, I’d be tempted to move far, far away.
loading...
I’m sorry I disagree. Whilst yes it is great they are away from him to tell a 4 year sorry just because he was nice to you he was never nice to me is something you tell a child at an age appropriate time and 4 is not that and imply he is dangerous just speaks of a bitter person that can cause serious sychological issues for a child so younge. You protect your children you don’t scare them and he was never dangerous to the child, she loves him and misses her dad and that’s ok but you should invoke your own anger, resentment and issues onto a child they have to work it out and you’ll know when there ready to know more because they’ll ask.
loading...
Well, he did crash into the car when his own child was in it so he did act dangerously towards her. I agree with the rest of your post, though.
loading...
She can’t say that to a four year old. That’s wrong to play with her head like that.
loading...
I disagree too. My father abused my mother and I really only saw very little of what actually happened. When I was 12 my mother told me to tell my father to leave us all alone and that he wasn’t welcome anymore. I regret that, not because my parents separated, but because my father actually believes I meant it when in fact I had very little idea about what I was saying.
loading...
I wouldn’t do it. My ex was abusive and didn’t really have much to do with his kids. I didn’t really say much about him to them ,except that he did love them. They got to know his family though and eventually figured it out for themselves.
loading...
a powerful piece Sarah
much love to you
x
loading...
That poor bloke? Who physically and mentally abused his ex, no doubt in front of the little girl and is now making excuses for choosing his new girlfriend over his own child? Give me a freaking break! The man is a spineless, cowardly creep. Both his ex wife and his child are better off away from him. I wonder too how long the new relationship will last. How long before he starts abusing her?
The father in this scenario is not the victim you paint. He’s the perp.
loading...
There are so many things wrong with that post I’m not even going to bother ripping it apart. You need some reality goggles, methinks.
loading...
You made that comment just to stir people up, shame on you!
loading...
I didn’t do anything of the sort. It came out a bit wrong as I was writing in a hurry.
I think the father is a tool, but the mother is doing her child no favours at all. I really believe that she’s writing this story to garner sympathy, as every story has two sides and only one is presented. If she was worth anything as a parent, she would be trying to do the right thing by her daughter who obviously misses her father.
She’s not doing that and it’s the child who is the victim here, not the mother, and definitely not the father.
loading...
As a 23 year old woman, who has spend my whole life not only watching my mother being emotionally and physically abused my my father, I was also abused by his hands and his words. I always loved him nothing less. I spent so much of my life craving his attention, his love. I was always angry at my mother when she made me do things (as my father couldn’t have cared less about what I did – he was not at all interested in being a father).
So I will tell you this – as a grow woman, who was and has been in the exact same position as your daughter. She will be angry, upset, frustrated with you and you will be so overwhelmed with all these emotions (this could possibly go on for years) BUT one day, when she is mature enough to understand emotions, to understand how people work, to understand how love works, YOU – HER MOTHER, will be her knight in shinning armor, her rock, her hero, her everything. One day she will look back on everything and see it for what it truly is. You will give her the strength, the courage, the want, to want more than what her father seems to be giving her. She will one day understand that YOU were the one that was there for her, that YOU were the one that helped her grow into a strong, amazing young woman. One day, she will look back and see everything for what it is. This day, will be the day when you finally see that you’ve done the best thing you could have done by your daughter.
Don’t use bad words against her father even in your angriest times, it will only plant seeds of doubt in her mind about you as a mother. You are a very intelligent and loving person, you do not need to stoop to his level. Keep your head held high, even in the moments when you feel like punching something or screaming at her telling her that her father is not what he seems. She will appreciate what you are doing for her more than anything in the years to come when she grows into her own woman. You are leading her down a very positive and fulfilling path, I am so happy that she has an amazing mother like I did. She is one VERY VERY lucky little girl!
You keep your head held high girl, I promise you – keeping a cool head and doing what you are doing will only be a positive thing when your daughter grows, it will bring you two so much closer.
Good luck, and much love xxx
loading...
What an amazing response, and what an incredible young woman you are! Thank you for your words which will no doubt help the writer deal with her daughter’s anguish. xx
loading...
Thank you Elsie, very kind of you xx
loading...
“As a 23 year old woman, who has spend my whole life not only watching my mother being emotionally and physically abused my my father, I was also abused by his hands and his words. ”
This!
Susan said their daughter was in the car with them when he crashed it – THAT is abuse of both of them!
I think Susan has dodged a bullet on her daughter’s behalf .
loading...
It takes a particularly strong, mature and amazing woman to be able to empathise with and react responsibly to their daughter, while ensuring that their child maintains love and respect for their father even after you have been through so much. I have such admiration for you, Sarah, and it sounds like you are making great decisions in the face of frustration and stress.
Good on you and good luck!
loading...
Well said JC. You said exactly what I wanted to say.
loading...
You’re doing good. Love and light xxx
loading...
This brought tears to my eyes. Raising kids is exhausting even when you have the support of a fabulous partner, so I seriously take my hat of to those of you who have to go it alone. I wish I knew you so I could send you a voucher for a massage – you sound like you sooooo deserve it!! xx
loading...
You could always arrange it with the Mamamia team and they could forward it on. Anonymity intact. Just a wee thought.
loading...
“I let in the feelings of frustration in one breath, and exhale them out again. Then speak to my daughter with empathy and compassion and shower her with my love, although sometimes, through gritted teeth.” – What beautiful, wise and intelligent words. I think you’re doing an amazing job Sarah, and I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world for your (and your daughter’s) future.
Take care x
loading...
My best friend says her son cries out for whoever isn’t in the room at that time. When both parents are there, he wants his grandparents, if they’re there its his aunts and uncles.
I understand though, that it is a very difficult situation to be in. Good on you for not saying a bad word about her father. I too got the ‘low down’ on my father growing up, the only thing it caused was anger and frustration that I still struggle to cope with (I was 8 at the time)
Sending you hugs and lattes, or wine. or both.
loading...
I have been in a similiar position, I left the father of my daughter as he started abusing me when she was born. When she was three he turned up drunk to her dance recital, his excuse was he was having farewell drinks as he chose to move far away. He has flitted in and out of her life ever since and even had another child. Now he is moving back to near us and thinks he can easily just slot himself into her life. I won’t stop her seeing her dad, but she is confused and upset and I worry he will up and leave again, which will be hard for our daughter. I’m lucky she has a grandfather and uncles who are great male role models in her life as well as other extended family.
loading...
Sadly, the challenges of a separated family carry on long after childhood. I was a child in a very similar situation to your girl, and now 20 something years after they divorced, I’m still struggling to find the right balance between juggling my two parents. The best thing parents in this situation can do is remember that their child is an innocent bystander – and not vent or offload to them, no matter how hurt they are feeling.
loading...
I was your daughter. I’m so sorry she has to go through this. She is bewildered and feeling abandoned. I don’t know the answer, my mum did it the best way she knew how, but the feelings of abandonment do run deep.
I think the only answer is to find someone safe for her to talk to about this. it’s hard at her age, but counselling or a close friend that she trusts could be the person for her to unload this to. The fact is that you won’t be able to give her reasons that aren’t emotionally charged. If she hears from someone else that life is different now but Daddy still loves her, it won’t carry the same baggage as if you said it.
Hang in there, you’re doing well. The best thing is that you realise you can’t say anything to help the situation. Many a damaged child has come from a parent trying their hardest to do so. It’s the ultimate in irony, really
loading...
“daddy still loves her”? Not more than he loves his girlfriend apparently. What sort of father abandons his child? I commend this mother for not bad-mouthing the father but he is scum.
loading...
Jan, you are getting one side of a story here. These issues are always more complex than a few paragraphs from one side can inform us. I am sure if the dad write his side, we might get a different perspective.
loading...
If that car crash incident happened as you say it, in other words, he deliberately crashed a car with you and your daughter in it, why were you ever even considering joint custody? I cant get my head around that sorry.
loading...
Cos you have to attempt some sort of shared custody arrangement. It’s very hard to get a court to agree to full custody for one parent.
loading...
I wonder, should the posters full name be used here. There are some fairly heavy accusations going on here and the father would be easily identified through this story. I feel it is innaprioriate and unfair to him.
loading...
Really? That’s the unfair part of this story?
Funny, I thought the “unfair” part was the father abandoning his daughter….
loading...
Yeah lets keep it a secret, lets hide away the abusers and bad fathers for their own dignity – that is what keeps women in these situations for too long. Yell his name from the rooftops I think is the appropriate response. Until you have seen the anguish and pain this woman describes so bravely up close, keep your assumptions to yourself. Secrecy is the problem, the biggest problem in all of this. Yes lets protect men like this and forget who actual victims are: the mother the child.
loading...
Or rather than getting hysterical why don’t we offer the father the opportunity to tell his side of the story. I am sure it is completely different to this version of events. Do you suppose he even knows he has been branded an abuser to the thousands of women who read this site??
I don’t think we should not tell this woman’s story – I just question the fairness in using her full name when it does not appear to be any evidence ie. a conviction or even prosecution, other than her word, stating that this occurred. Nor does it add anything to the article!.
loading...
With respect, it shouldnt work that way. We dont hear one side of a story and then demonise the other party in the court of Mamamia public opinion. That is manifestly unfair to the other party involved.
loading...
My post in response to Anonymous was in the same vein as yours, DV worker, but it hasn’t appeared for some reason. Thank you for saying what I was thinking.
loading...
How does anyone know it’s her actual name?
loading...
I don’t think Sarah’s made any heavy accusations as such. She has outlined a series of occurrences, most of which either appear to have police confirmation or which her partner has admitted – or have clearly occurred – along with some of her opinions of these occurrences. I am sure MM would have had this article vetted legally, as if there were untrue accusations, Sarah would be open to a claim of defamation. That being the case, there is no reason why Sarah should hide away and not use her real name if she is comfortable doing so. The ex partner can choose to cop it sweet, or ask to tell his side of the story.
loading...
I see that the story has now been made anoymous; perhaps for the protection of the mother and daughter, maybe for the sake of the father?
I understand where you are coming from saying we should wait to hear his side and I’ve read stories here where I do withhold some judgement, however I feel this one is different as he has completely given up custody; there seems to be no fight for his daughter at all. I’d question a story that says “he wants to see her for selfish/revenge… Whatever reasons” but it seems to me this mother has tried to alow a relationship despite everything he has allegedly done.
loading...
Tough spot to be in.
If it’s any consolation, I’m sometimes confronted with ‘I want Mummy’ when I make a decision that’s unpopular with my kids, even when my wife’s just popped out for a while. Kids have a good understanding of which heartstring to tug in order to get their way. If you can try to view it as your child (quite normally) trying to get the outcome that they want, then it may remove some of the sting. Not to dismiss your daughter genuinely missing her Dad at the same time.
Judgey bit:
Any woman who decides to declare all out war with a child for their partner’s love is not a good person. Trying to stifle a young child’s relationship with their parent is a despicable act.
Any father who caved in to such demands from a new girlfriend is both not a good person, but is also weak and despicable. But, I guess the abuse already informed you of that fact.
I hope that you and your daughter sail in to smoother waters soon.
loading...
Yes, I was this very daughter myself (I am now in my 30s), the woman was my dad’s wife when fromt he time I was 8:
“Any woman who decides to declare all out war with a child for their partner’s love is not a good person. Trying to stifle a young child’s relationship with their parent is a despicable act.
Any father who caved in to such demands from a new girlfriend is both not a good person, but is also weak and despicable.”
I didn’t see Dad from 12-20 years of age. Brief contact from 20-12, haven’t seen him since I was 21. Our relationship and his absent years made it unhealable.
They are divorced now.
Good choice, Dad, good choice. I guess your d1ck won some decent roots there, for a few years though, so all good.
loading...
I dont know about your circumstance, but it is very easy for a parent with sole custody (or those who make it impossible for the ex to see their kids) to paint their own reality about who is right, who is wrong to their kids. That is all I will say.
loading...
I think even what you said was too much. You’re implying parental alienation and while it happens at times,it also doesn’t happen just as often and children simply grow up and realise that an absent parent can’t be bothered with them.
loading...
how are you so sure. data please.
loading...
I’m not, but neither are you. It’s not like you’ve provided stats either, just a generalised sweeping statment. I imagine something like that is hard to prove anyway.
loading...
You are right – you do not know my circumstances.
I could see for myself at almost 13 or at 21 – no one had ‘words in my ear’ to manipulate me. I could see what his priorities were. And she was very open, even to me, that he had a choice to make.
My comments are not about parents splitting etc, but about Tea Bag’s original comment in relation to new partners: Trying to stifle a young child’s relationship with their parent is a despicable act.
loading...
Are you me…!?
Only difference is my dad is still married to the heinous b*tch who made it so difficult and painful for him to spend time with his two children.
loading...