A few years ago, the idea of sleeping for eight hours – hell, sleeping for two hours – uninterrupted was like a fantasy in the realm of winning Lotto or marrying Ryan Gosling. That’s because my then five-month old daughter Coco was waking up to eight times every night to have her dummy re-plugged.
Even now, those days, months, are a grey blur. I remember stumbling up and down the hallway in the dark every night and barely being able to answer my sympathetic girlfriends who asked me “how was last night?”. Simply because I couldn’t remember. It was all a blur of crying and waking and soothing and stumbling back to bed and more crying and getting up and being out of my mind with exhaustion so that I often felt hollow.
You see, that’s the thing with sleep deprivation. It goes way beyond just being tired. It starts to pull at the threads of your family. Your ability to think clearly. To stay rational. It affects your relationships. Your work. Your partner’s work. And worst of all your ability to enjoy your baby and any other children you may have.
Five years ago I felt like I was losing my mind.
[NOTE: You can download singer, song-writer, performer and mother, Amity Dry's beautiful song that accompanies this video here on iTunes. Run don't walk.]
And that’s when I met Elizabeth Sloane.
Elizabeth was recommended to me by a friend who said Elizabeth had this magic ability to teach babies from six-months-old how to sleep.
And so I called her – in tears – as hundreds of other exhausted mothers do every year.
When Coco turned 6 months old (OK, she may have been 5 and a half months and I may have fudged her age JUST A WEEE BIT) Elizabeth came to my home and gave Coco what she called ‘the gift of sleep’ teaching her in 3-nights how to give up the dummy and instead self-settle. (I should point out that according to Elizabeth, Coco had the worst dummy addiction she’d ever seen. Fabulous. That’s my girl. )
Two years later Elizabeth came back to teach my son the same thing. They’ve both been sleeping through the night ever since.
What I loved the most about Elizabeth from the first time we met in person – other than her completely calming presence and beautifully warm personality – is that she loves babies. Adores them. Best of all, she’s passionate about what she does. Elizabeth truly believes that every child deserves to be getting a good night’s sleep for the sake of their growth, development and their general well-being. She also feels that making a child dependent on their mum or dad to get to sleep isn’t fair on the child.
With all that in mind, I decided I wanted to share Elizabeth’s wisdom — actually her entire, clever, brilliant program – with exhausted mothers everywhere who don’t live in Sydney or who might not be able to afford their own sleep whisperer but who are as sleep-deprived as I was.
So … Elizabeth, Mamamia’s own Bec Sparrow and I have joined forced to bring you Mamamia Publishing’s very first eBook “The Gift of Sleep” which harnesses Elizabeth’s 20 years of experience and reveals her ENTIRE program – showing you step-by-step how to teach your baby to sleep through the night, self-settling every time they naturally wake.
This program won’t be for everyone. Elizabeth is the first to say that you should do what works for YOUR family. So if you’re currently getting up to your baby at night and it’s not affecting you … great! Do what is best for you and your child. But if you – or someone you know – feels at breaking point because of lack of sleep — then you need to run, not walk, to get this book.
And yes, it’s the perfect gift for a friend or relative.
All those hours of rocking, patting, singing, dummy-plugging and feeding your little one to sleep (only to tiptoe out of the room and have them start bawling before you’ve made it past the end of the cot). The drives in the car. The laps round the lounge room with the pram. The elaborate routines I’ve done, Bec’s done and thousands of you have done – ARE still doing – to get our children to sleep. The routines that inevitably wear you down and wear you out. It’s all about to be replaced with SLEEEEEEEP.
What I know is that “The Gift of Sleep” will change the life of every sleep-deprived parent and every exhausted baby who wakes throughout the night.
And I should know. Because it changed mine.
To instantly download your copy of The Gift of Sleep ($19.95), go to www.thegiftofsleep.com.au. Do you know a mother who could use The Gift of Sleep? If you have a girlfriend, sister, cousin, daughter, neighbour or friend who is currently in the fog of sleep-deprivation, buy her a copy for Mother’s Day. After all, the ultimate gift you can give a mother is the gift of sleep.
341 Comments so far
Letter to Sunday Times attached below;
Mia I am disappointed to read you are supportive of this.
I was saddened and dismayed to read your article “The Baby Whisperer” on p 25 of the Sunday Times, on May 6. The method described encouraged mothers to leave a baby to cry in an attempt to tech them to “self settle”, with no source of human comfort or reassurance, and if the baby was still crying after 5 minutes to knock loudly on the door for 30 seconds, or say SHHH 5 times. Are you Serious????? This is a young, helpless baby who cannot do so much as scratch her own foot if it is itchy. Parents who are thinking about trying this may like to put themselves in the shoes of their baby; imagine, out of the blue, you had a car accident and were paralyses from the neck down. You were in your bed at night, helpless, and crying out to your husband for comfort because you felt lonely. He knocks on the door loudly and says SHH 5 times, to teach you how to go to sleep yourself – heaven forbid you become dependant on him for comfort. How would that make you feel? Pretty unloved and uncared for is my guess. Why is it ok for us to let our baby’s feel that way?
Crying is a young baby’s only verbal means of telling you that she needs something, and is a signal of distress. Most of the time, when a baby cries, what she needs is her mum or dad; by responding to these cues, parents help their children develop a sense of trust or self esteem. A baby’s need for closeness and physical contact is very real and very important. The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI) widely discourages these types of techniques, as it has been shown to have negative consequences on secure attachment between the baby and the care giver. Baby’s wake at night for all kinds of reasons and it is our job as parents to respond, not ignore, these very real needs. During the first 2 years of life, a baby’s brain is developing at an alarming rate, and for this reason baby’s spend around 60% of their time in light or REM sleep (as compared with an adult who spends around 20% in REM sleep). This means they are more likely to wake up. The percentage of REM sleep gradually decreases until at around the age of 2 they have about the same amount as an adult. Not surprisingly, many wakeful babies begin sleeping longer stretches at night at around the age of 2 when their brain growth slows and their light sleep decreases. It is also biologically very normal for a young baby to need help from a carer to get to sleep, whether that’s with a breastfeed, a pat or some other settling technique. This is hard wired from our cave man days when baby did not know whether a predator was lurking around the next tree. It feels safe to baby when mum or dad is close by, especially at sleep time when they are particularly vulnerable. The people in this world who gives a baby the most comfort, reassurance and feeling of security in this world is the parents. So step up!
Apart from this, I notice the article also ‘forbids’ night feeds. Many babies still need 1-2 night feeds at the age of 6 months; in fact, statistics show 50% of babies still wake for 1 night feed at the age of 12 months. If the baby is breastfed, breastmilk actually has a hormone in it that helps induce sleep in both the baby and the mother and so can in many cases be the quickest and quietest way to help settle a distressed baby back to sleep. This hormone is mother natures’ helping hand when it comes to getting a baby to sleep – it seems almost a shame not to use it. Why not give mums permission to give her young baby a quick feed, instead of encouraging strict routines that may work in the short term, but may also affect the baby’s mental health in the longer term? My guess is that it makes Elizabeth Sloane $3600 in 3 nights to promise these outcomes to vulnerable sleep deprived mums and dads.
There are many gentle approaches to helping a baby settle to sleep gradually and to a point of independence (Elizabeth Pantley ‘No Cry Sleep Solution’ and Pinky Mackay “Sleeping like a Baby are two), and in the longer term these methods seem to have the better lasting benefits. My own little darling eventually started sleeping through the night at around 18 months old, and now at bed time (age 2) she voluntarily runs to her bed, climbs in and says, “See you in the morning!” She knows if she needs something, I will come back. I have several friends who used techniques similar to Sloane’s method, and their toddlers now seem to be suffering extreme separation anxiety at bed time, taking 1-2 hours to settle each night. In contrast to my toddler, they appear not to be secure that their parents will return. Now that they are old enough to verbalise that fear, they sure are letting them know about it. Another story a family member once shared with me using another similar technique was that one time their baby woke at night crying and they decided to be ‘really tough’ until he eventually stopped crying and went back to sleep. When they went to him in the morning, he was covered in vomit and diarrhea. Even through that, he did eventually give up calling for his parents and go back to sleep – proof that young baby’s will give up through just about anything if the parent is ‘tough enough’.
If parents considering having a baby are expecting to get a nice full 8 hours sleep by the age of 6 months, then they really should think about getting a gold fish instead. This is normal baby behaviour, and it is our job to nurture and comfort our little ones so that they grow into secure well attached adults. So you are tired? Well, you can rest in the day, drink coffee, or… toughen up princess, this is parenting.
Kerry
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Hi Kerry
I just spoke to Mia. She’s away from her computer for the next few hours but as soon as she can she will log on to answer your comment directly.
In the meantime though, you may be interested to read this link to the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute who did a worldwide study into the benefits of sleep programs for children over 6 months of age.
http://www.mcri.edu.au/news/2010/march/'controlled-crying‘.aspx
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Hi Bec,
thanks for your reply. The article is interesting. However, is based on a small study group (225) and does not appear to have been published in a scientific journal as yet, which means it is not peer reviewed and therefore credible in the scientific community. Presentation at a conference does not constitute a formal scientific peer review, nor has the finding altered the current recommendation by the lead authority on infant mental health.
The lead authority in Australia on infant mental health is the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI), and they have shown techniques similar to the ones promoted in the e book to have negative consequences on secure attachment between the baby and the care giver. I have attached a couple of papers from the AAIMHI for you to have a look at.
http://www.aaimhi.org/inewsfiles/controlled_crying.pdf
http://www.aaimhi.org/inewsfiles/Position%20Paper%202.pdf
Kind regards,
Kerry
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Great links, thanks
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Hi Kerry!
Yes I’m very familiar with that research! But the key point in that research is this:
“This statement is premised on an understanding of crying to mean crying that indicates distress, either psychological or physical, rather than the “fussing” that many babies do in settling or adjusting to different circumstances.”
Throughout the entire book (and I should know since I co-wrote it!) Elizabeth tells parents that if their baby is doing a distressed cry that they should immediately go to them. And that at all times parents should trust their instincts.
Elizabeth’s entire program is based on babies doing a protest cry/grizzle as they learn to self-settle. Not crying in distress! She would never tell parents to let their children cry in distress!!! And while your baby is grizzling, Elizabeth asks parents to stay outside the nursery door.
There is a big difference between a protest cry/grizzle and a cry of a baby in distress.
And that is what that AAIMHI research above points out.
Also Elizabeth repeatedly says through the book that parents should do what is best for their families. What you do clearly works for you and your kids — and that’s terrific. But other mums may feel that their sleep deprivation is leading to emotional / mental issues (like PND) .. those women may find Elizabeth’s program of great use.
Thanks for your comment.
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Let me ask you Bec, can you go the night without needing a drink? I’m 33 years old and still get up for a drink and a pee. How is a 6 month old suppost to know they are just supposed to sleep through with a dry mouth and wet nappy????
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Really Linda? You can’t sleep through the night?
Adults who need to consistently wee overnight and who are under the age of 65 should see a physio or their GP. That is concerning.
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Hi Bec
I guess the main issue here comes down to a parents ability to interpret a grizzle from a distressed cry. Its a bit like trying to tell the difference between a light tap, a smack, and child abuse. There are parents who struggle with this difference, and after witnessing an 8 week old being taught to ‘self settle’ and being told by his parent he was ‘just grizzling’ when my mothering instincts told me he was crying in distress and needed comfort (my hands went clammy and I felt nauseous; he was left crying for 1 hour because his parents felt he needed to go back to sleep after his “short” 1.5 hr day nap). I just dont have the confidence that all parents using the technique can actually tell the difference between the different cries. And for the most part, a cry is a cry, and is a signal your baby needs you. Why are we making it so wrong for babies to need comfort and reassurance to get to sleep?
Many parents who choose this technique (which sounds remarkably similar to Tizzy Hall SOS) will find whatever research and statistics they need to justify that the choice they are making is best for their baby. Its not. Its best for the parents, and I can tell you its only in the short term. I for one would not be happy taking 1-2 hours to get my now happy and well adjusted toddler to sleep each night, as my friends who used this technique on their young babies currently are because they now suffer fear and anxiety about going to bed.
We might just have to agree to disagree.
Kerry
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Books like this might say they refer to only to protest grizzles, but in practice I have observed that that is not really how they are interpreted. A brand new mother may not be able to distinguish between the two for a start and the more you ignore cries of need, the less able you are to hear and understand them.
I know of one mum who was in tears for FOUR WEEKS while she ‘taught’ her daughter to sleep. That’s not grizzles of protest! That’s wrong on both sides. Another mother who ended up with PND when she realised that her daughters cries were her calling for Mums comfort…
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Well all 4 of mine went to sleep alone and in their cots at 6 months and mostly slept all night. If they woke i would first try to settle them in bed, if they cried wgain, then i went to see what they needed. Terrible me. My kids were “good sleepers”, some are much lighter sleepers. Everyone is different.
BTW, babies don’t need feeding from a nutritional standpoint after 6 months at night, if they feed well and are well in themselves. That said some babies just like to have a feed at night and that’s ok.
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200 is enough to extract statistically significant science.
Just as an FYI.
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A set number of participants is never enough to determine if a statistically significant result is meaningful on its own. That why you calculate the power of the study and other statistical information.
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Kerry
It seems like the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne disagrees with you:
Is controlled comforting harmful?
Despite concerns about potential harms to the baby, no studies published in peer-reviewed journals have shown any psychological or physical harm from using controlled comforting (or other behaviour management techniques described on this site). In fact, recent research has shown that babies who have undergone controlled comforting are more likely to sleep better in the short-term, and are as well adjusted as their peers in terms of behaviour and sleep in the long-term. A recent study also found that parents who used these techniques with their babies reported fewer symptoms of depression in both the short and long term than parents who didn’t.
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/controlled_comforting.html
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I agree with everything in this comment. If you expect to get a full nights deep don’t become a parent in te first place. Baby comes first and if they need you, attend to them. It’s uh you know apart of being a PARENT
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Kerry,
I think Bec has answered your comment in the same way I would. So yes, I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree. You do what you feel is best for your child and I will make the decisions that I believe are best for mine and my family.
Wishing you well…..
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Kerry I would suggest that from the comment you have made that you have never experienced severe sleep deprivation. I have a five yr old and a three year old. My eldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was three. My youngest has severe reflux, excema and food allergies so as a result slept very poorly as a baby. How the he’ll as a mum do you stay healthy and also meet your children’s needs when you are existing on 2hrs sleep a night for months on end. Surely having the energy to interact with your kids, prepare healthy meals etc are important aspects to their development too. Thank you Mia for providing this information to people.
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Hi Anon,
That sounds like a truly exhausting and difficult time for you. I am sorry to hear you went through that.
To answer your question – yes I have experieinced severe sleep deprivation. My second was a wakeful baby from the start (that we later found was probably due in part by an allergy to cows milk that was coming through my breastmilk). She would wake anywher from 2 to 8 times per night up to the age of 18 months when we went to sleep school. I was mildly depressed, exhausted, had a strained marriage and constatnly sick. I went back to work 3 days when she was 11 months old and barely functioned. I then got sick and could not get better, missing 5 weeks of work. I had many phone calls to our local sleep school here in WA, and eventually was skipped up the wait list and taken as a priority case because it was apparent I was on the brink of losing the plot (or jumping off a bridge). I do understant and sypathise enormously. I just dont think this book or controlled crying/comforting are the answer. The sleep school I went to here in WA does not follow controlled crying or similar methods, and I was encouraged to go straight in and reassure her each time she woke. I needed to wean her off her night breastfeeds was one issue, and secondly I needed to gently teach her how to sit down/lie down/close your eyes and go to sleep. I stroked her hair while soflty telling her what she needed to do. Yes,she yelled at me, but I was there with her – helping her and teaching her all the way. I would leave the room when she was calm but not quite asleep; if she got up yelling, we started again. The first night it took me 2 hours the first time she woke. We made a book all about her and explained what would happen at night when she woke up (which she loved) and we did role palys with dolls during the day time – laying them down, stroking thier hair and saying ‘night night’. It took us 10 nights of this, and on the 11th night she slept 11 hours straight. I started getting my life back on track.
I have been to sleep deprivation hell too. It is torturous. But leaving babies to cry, knocking on the door for 30 seconds, or saying shh 5 times in my opinion is not the answer. There aer other more gentle approaches that achive the same outcome but nurture and reassure the baby at the same time. It may be a little slower (but really, 3 days versus 10 days is not too much longer in the scheme of things), but it still works, and it keeps the baby securely attached.
I am not saying you need to put up with it (although I can see how my last comment implied that), I’m just saying there are more than one way to skin a cat.
Kerry
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Thanks for the reply Kerry. Look that sounds like a lovely and fluffy way to help your bub to sleep. In reality though how do you spend that time with one child when you have a screaming baby who is in pain and also needs you? I think it’s important to realize the impact some of your claims may have on parents who are exhausted and at their wits end. Claiming that this will harm their child is a terrible thing to say.
My bub with reflux screamed constantly, for hours on end. At times I had to leave her in her play swing upset while I meet her sisters needs. From your claims she should have issues. In fact she is a loving, well adjusted three year old.
I look forward to the day where we as woman can just support each other in what is a bloody hard job( parenting).
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I have 4 kids. I understand balance and competing needs. You are right, it is hard.
Its not me claiming the method harms kids, it is the reserach from the Australian Infant Mental Health Institute. They are the experts; I am just a mum who happens to agree wtih them.
I really would love to talk to you more off line and wish I could give you my email address as it sounds like you could do with some support and empathy, and some practical suggestions to help you through your own situation. The AIIMH does mention in its paper that kids left upset for short periods through circumstances like looking after other children show resilience and are not harmed by this long term (as your 3 year old shows). It is the repetition of the technique (which is needed, because even though it may work in 3 days for some families, it needs to be re done each time your child gets sick/gets teeth/moves house/starts daycare or is disrupted and needing comfort for whatever reason). I am just saying other gentler methods may take longer but last longer, and each time they need to be re done for the above reasons it offers the baby/child security and reassurance, rather than detachment and abandonment.
Kerry
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When my baby was 12 months, I dreaded putting her to bed. It would take 30-60 mins of feeding, rocking and patting, and then I’d have to creep out of her nursery… and half the time, she’d cry out before I was even at the door. Then she’d wake 3-5 times a night, and the process would start again, over and over…
It was exhausting, and we were both miserable, and she was getting such bad sleep at night that she was getting grumpy throughout the day.
I hate the idea of controlled crying, because I thought it meant hours of screaming and crying and general upset. But that’s not what Elizabeth does – she’s calm and warm and truly cares for babies. And she CHANGED OUR LIFE! Her system works, and quickly – bub slept through the first night and only cried for 1 minute the second night. It made me kick myself for not trying something like this sooner.
For anyone who is struggling with sleep, I can’t recommend Elizabeth enough and I’m so excited to see she’s sharing this with everyone as a book! We recently moved and my little’s sleep turned to crap, because of all the changes. I did Elizabeth’s program for 1 night, and she was back to sleeping 11 hours and putting herself to sleep. Seriously, AMAZING!! xx
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I am a big self-settling fan. For parents who think it is cruel to teach self-settle and think they are doing the best thing for their babies by rocking / patting / co-sleeping their kids to sleep … what happens if you have to go to hospital? Or your child? What happens if YOU can’t be there to get them off to sleep?
I agree with Elizabeth … self-settling is important. Cheers.
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My husband or my mum do it…… any adult could do it if I were to be abducted by aliens….
Do you feel the same about breastfeeding, I mean what if the mother (and therefore the breasts) was killed in a shark attack or worse,went out for dinner with her friends??
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What if it’s the mother doing the settling and something happens? The baby will cry and be harder to settle of course.
If the baby is breastfed and doesn’t like the bottle at all and that happens, the baby will not drink for quite a period of time. Sme babies will refuse bottles.
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To those who dislike the idea of controlled crying, I wonder whether you realise that it is not something which lasts very long in the process of teaching a child to sleep.
I am a nanny and mother care nurse and have been helping mums get their generally under-one babies to sleep for eight years now, and always in under five days.
The most recent child I looked after was 11 months and being patted to sleep for between 20 minutes and an hour for his daytime sleep, then same and night and getting into his parents bed when he first woke at 10pm at night. Despite their having bought a new king size bed to fit the three, they weren’t sleeping, but seemed to think nothing could be done.
From my experience, mothers in particular seem to feel a huge anxiety when it comes to settling and sleep, and children absolutely sense this. If you put them in their cot to self settle and they know that, if they cry, you’ll pick them up, of course they’ll cry.
I do use controlled crying. But I have always found that, after the first five days of training to self settle, control crying simply isn’t an issue. The babies will almost always put themselves to sleep without it.
It takes strength for mums to do, but I think the few days of tears are well and truly worth it once you’re reaping the benefits.
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Thankyou for making such true and valid points! What’s missing from a lot of these comments is how the massive lack of sleep affects the mother & family, what is so ignorant is saying that ‘if you didn’t want to comfort you’re baby and just sleep then you shouldnt have had kids’….I mean really? Do none of these people take into account the mother’s mental health and ability to function at all? If parents can use controlled crying/comforting (really its exactly the same, it’s known as a form of ‘graduated extinction’ to the sleep experts) because they are so desperate then yes, let them do it. It only needs to be done over a short period of time for a very long term benefit (to the family).
I find it interesting that apparently its ‘known’ by some commenters that using this method over a short time is detrimental to babies (in the long term, detachment & behavioural problems etc) when there is absolutely no evidence of this at all…someone below posted a link to a website that ‘claims’ such things but further down In the same article they admit that there is no study performed in a sleep laboratory setting (that tests their cortisol levels etc) that proves the claims that they just made. People who make the negative comments should really understand this point…
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(I’m using the same name I used in my earlier post, given someone got in trouble for not doing so!)
There actually is empirical scientific evidence about its detrimental effects when used with babies under the age of 6 months. This is why Dr Howard Chilton is so against controlled crying for this age group.
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Yes, I absolutely should have put that in there (6 months). I am going on evidence from a study that had babies in 3 groups (1 controlled crying, 2 other methods) that is due to be published in the future (a long process sometimes) that had babies over 6 months in the study and tested cortisol levels among other things over a long period. Interestingly (but not really surprisingly) a mum who’s baby was randomly put in the controlled crying group has emailed the person in charge of the study recently as this topic has been in the news lately, and has thanked them for all it has done for their family.
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My now three year old has always been a fantastic sleeper, the problem is with me! Due to some sinus issues, (currently navigating the severity of my sleep apnea and also have a severely deviated septum), I haven’t slept consistently through the night in about fifteen years. Can I get Elizabeth to come to my house and teach me how to sleep?
Pretty please? LOL.
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Ha ha ha!
I hope you get it sorted out soon. How do you function properly?!
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i have two children and both have been what you would call ‘bad’ sleepers, waking up several times a night for the first three years. co-sleeping and getting a bigger bed helped. reading how to get your baby to sleep manuals, listening to other people’s unrealistic expectations did not help. our 5 year old still wakes up at least once and comes into bed with us. so my point is..i think that we, in the western world, expect too much too soon. it is normal for a baby to wake up at night looking for comfort. being a parent is very tiring, it is exhausting, and yes, i know what it’s like to be woken up hourly by my baby and wanting to cry with sleep deprivation in the morning, but you know what, i dealt with it, because this stage…well it’s just a stage and before you know it your kids won’t be little anymore and won’t need you as much.
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I had terrible sleepers. The constant sleepless nights really took their toll. It was also the feeling of helplessness and being totally clueless of what to do that was the hardest.
Those sleeping books really helped me because they gave me an arsenal of different things to try. I eventually found things that worked for me and they ended up both being really great sleepers after about 7 months old.
Best advice is to read widely and try as many different methods until you find one that works for you.
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So true. I read the ‘No cry Sleep Solution’ when my second child was still waking every two hours at about 9 months. I tried the technique to the best of my ability (the slow and gentle approach to night weaning etc) – it didn’t particularly help (he is still waking several times a night looking for a feed) but reading the book helped in other ways – I definitely learned something, it gave me hope and confidence and I think there were small hints and bits of information which have helped make our life easier. Sometimes it isn’t one book or one approach that will restore sleep for everyone but a combination of techniques and strategies which together work for the individual needs of your family and baby. Having said that I think it is useful to read sleep manuals/to go to sleep school and to heed the advice of those who have been there before – I think you can always learn something!
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Whether a baby/toddler is a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ sleeper is at least a little about how we precieve the behaviour and how we cope with it.
I have a 3 yr old, a 2yr old and a 9month old. The eldest started to sleep through at 16months (interestingly when his little brother arrived), the second just started sleeping through in January (when he turned two)… neither of them have day sleeps. My youngest is rocked to sleep in my arms, then sleeps in his cot for a few hours then snuggles in bed with his dad and I (usually from about 2am). During the day he has cat naps.
Most of my mummy friends think this is a problem and offer advice about controlled crying etc.
I don’t think we have a problem.
I personally don’t leave my children to cry at all at bedtimes. Being a ‘bad’ sleeper myself (and still am!) I don’t want him to feel pressure to sleep or loneliness. I prefer a gentle approach and yes it is still difficult. I am exhausted all the time but I think this has alot to do with the fact I am full time carer of 3 kids under 4yrs old…. and a bit of sleep derivation too.
I’m not saying that people shouldn’t seek help for sleep problems (I have been to sleep education classes etc myself)… just wanted to say if you are coping and your children are happy and healthy then don’t feel that you need to have a child that sleeps through, self settles etc etc.
I often wonder what night times are like in other cultures where families sleep together in the same bed/same room for years (e.g. a good friend of mine from India told me she slept with her mother until she married in her early 20′s). I imagine in these cultures ‘sleep problems’ dont really exist.
So in summary my son doesn’t self settle and he doesn’t sleep through and I don’t really expect him to for another year or so. I am kind of offended by “Elizabeth truly believes that every child deserves to be getting a good night’s sleep for the sake of their growth, development and their general well-being. She also feels that making a child dependent on their mum or dad to get to sleep isn’t fair on the child.” My child and I have a beautiful bond, we are both happy and healthy neither of us find bedtime/sleeping stressful. He is growing and developing beautifully, he is quite happy to be ‘dependant’ on us for sleep, in fact I think he would loudly tell you he thinks it is quite ‘unfair’ if he were to be forced/coerced into sleeping alone. When he is ready he will learn to sleep alone (as his brothers have done), until that point I will contine to enjoy rocking my third and final baby to sleep.
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It was refreshing to read your comment Oddsocks. I have a friend with 3 kids, she practiced co sleeping with all of them. They’re all beautiful, emotionally well adjusted kids who now sleep in their own beds. For myself, we have a two year old that sleeps in her own bed some of the time & in our bed some of the time, as well as a five month old that so far mostly happily sleeps through the night (that’s just the way she is, nothing we did) in her own cradle that is in our room. I don’t think we have a problem either
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I love this comment and I think yes, each family is so different – and what may be problematic for one family, is manageable and feels best for another. I applaud your commitment to giving your children such comfort at night.
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I’m a bit obsessed with that song by Amity Dry. I remember her from The Block years ago. Was she in the season with Gazza and Wazza?
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Yes! She is amazing. Remember her song The Lighthouse? I just bought it again on iTunes.
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Off topic but I am going to buy Amity’s song and make my own montage of my bubba to her music. Tee hee!
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Ohhh thats a great idea! You’ve just reminded me to get it on iTunes, off I go…
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Sleep deprivation is hideous. HIDEOUS!
I have been so unbelievably lucky to have my son sleeping through the night from relatively early on and there are two sources of information that I credit for this: Dr Howard Chilton’s fabulous book ‘Baby on Board’ and Dr Harvey Karp’s DVD ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block’. The two paediatricians are clearly ideologically aligned and I truly do credit them for helping me stay sane during the first year of parenthood.
Whilst the usual disclaimer of “do whatever works for you” applies, I really would encourage those of you with babies UNDER the age of 6 months to read what Dr Chilton has to say about the idea of attempting to put very young babies on some sort of sleep schedule. While pregnant, I was recommended Tizzie Hall’s book time and time again and was on the verge of buying it until, rather fortunately, I came across this article in the Sydney Morning Herald: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/motherhood-on-trial-20110502-1e3te.html
I bought Dr Chilton’s book immediately, devoured it in a weekend and found myself utterly convinced that I was going to adhere to his suggestions (despite many people thinking I was crazy for buying into his “colic is a myth” idea!). What sold me is that he’s not some self-proclaimed “baby guru”, but is rather one of Australia’s leading neonatologists with decades of training both here and abroad.
And as for Dr Karp’s DVD? Well, I can’t speak of it highly enough. As my husband said, “I want to donate money to this guy on top of what I paid for the DVD, just to thank him!”.
Anyway, I just thought I’d share what worked for me. I haven’t read Elizabeth’s book, but I hope those of you who do read it find some relief and manage to get some sleep! GOOD LUCK! And it’s great to see that Mamamia Publishing is up and running – can’t wait for some other titles to come out.
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I just checked out Dr Chilton’s Facebook page – that guy rocks!
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The hardest part as new parents is the lack of sleep. The emotions, moods and tears from all in the house hold running wild and I needed help!
I tried the books- SOS and Contented Baby but I needed something more and then a friend got me onto http://slumberbub.com.au
which is a video based sleep school. My husband and I could sit and watch the Slumber Bub tutorials appropriate for our bubba’s age and learnt the self settling steps. Bub started sleep through after just a few days and now bub is 8months and we still refer to it for other things like how many sleeps he should have ect.
How fabulous you are publishing a book! I think any avenue to help mumma get their sleep back is wonderful xx
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This is exactly what I need right now. I have used SOS techniques and routines until 5 1/2 months when he stopped following the program. Then we had a number of different things happen (moving, sickness, teething, daylight savings and a trip to New Zealand) and we lost our sleep. I’ve been trying to get him back on track but it hasn’t been working.
LO is 8 months now and sometimes wakes up once, twice or 3 times a night. Luckily he didn’t take to the dummy but loves the boob. Am already reading this and hopefully we can start the 3 days in a couple of weeks when we have a weekend free.
Thank you for publishing this book, I appreciate you sharing your experiences.
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Some babies are crap sleepers and sometimes in those early frantic months we do what ever we can to get them back to sleep quickly and quietly. So in the process we probably create a few problems that might need to be worked on later down the track.
My 2 babes have been completely different, one who needed rocking (and by rocking I mean doing the nutbush for 20 minutes!). I did a “camping out” technique with him at about 10 months and it worked a treat for the most part (check it out at child & youth health an SA gov website). My next had a self soother from very early on who STILL hardly ever slept through the night. Now at nearly 2 she is not a self soother at all anymore and still wakes up most nights! NOT FAIR!! Looking around for some solutions now that don’t involve too much crying but I am resigned to the fact that it might have to involve a bit. Does this book have any hints for a nearly 2-year-old very opinionated and stubborn girl?
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Thank God for ipads!
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Hi Aims
Your daughter sounds as opinionated and stubborn as mine! The book has programs for toddlers (both in cots and in big beds) … so it all depends on whether she is getting up out of a bed and coming to your room or is in the cot and crying. Either way — Elizabeth covers both issues in the book. If you go to the website you can see the table of contents under “Sneak Peek” … good luck!! I hope tonight is a better night for you.
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What about twins? Have just moved my twins into beds at 2.5 years. They are a nightmare! They egg each other on to get out of bed & up to mischief! The first night we found them in the shower dripping wet in their pjs scrubbing the tiles with their toothbrushes! “we were cleaning Mummy!” aaaarrrgghhhhh! (& I’m experienced they are nos3 &4)
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Sorry, but how cute! And yep, twins are covered in the book.
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there are so many stories of children not sleeping etc, i want to add a bit of humour.
my 2nd child slept through from birth, yes from 10 at night throough to 7 in the morning!!! his 4 year old brother still woke 3 times a night!!!
When the older was 4 and half he slept through, my husband and i woke up in the morning and decided he must be dead, and rushed in to check on him. nope still sound asleep.
The change, we had been given a column oil heater with a timer and set it for 2.30 in the morning, he slept through from then on.
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Humor is important! I had none when I wasn’t sleeping…:)
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fully understand you, at this point we had had 4 and half years of little sleep, we took turns as to whose night it was to get up as we both worked.
Other than waking up crying for the first year and a bit my son would get out of bed (ever since 1 year old) climb out of a cot and wander the place, at first we found things moved around then cupboards unpacked, after that we had to set up an alarm system to hear when he got up.
we had a video tape(yep that long ago) of gadget and one of us would sit cuddled up to our son and he would have ear phones (long lead) on and we would semi doze.
we didnt know what had hit us when we could actually both sleep all night!!!!
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For every person SOS or Gina or feed to sleep works for there is a person that it doesn’t. It is about finding what works for you and your family.
I for one had a great sleeper up until about 4 months and then all hell broke lose and I was up over 10 times a night and only catnapping in the day. By the time she was 8 months I was at my wits end. I then read Mia’s article about Elizabeth and I thought this is what I need. No one in the house is happy let only my child who is not getting any sleep either. As I live in Singapore I could not get Elizabeth but made the decision to get a night nanny for 2 weeks. The first week I just said do whatever you have to do to keep her asleep so I can get some sleep and be strong enough in the second week to do some sleep training. It worked, changed our life and was the best thing for all of us.
I wish this book was aroud then as it would have been easier to follow but I am still so grateful for that article. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone, it wasn’t something that I was doing wrong and there is help out there.
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Congrats on the eBook Elizabeth and Bec.
My girls slept through from 6 and 9 weeks, so it has been an enormous shock to the system to have our 18-month-old son still night waking EVERY night, at least once. We need to get rid of both the dummy and the comfort drink of milk (which of course he doesn’t really need at this age).
Of course, at 2am, the ‘what’s the fastest way for me to be back asleep?’ thought processes take over…
He self-settles every time during the day (sleeps 1.5 – 3 hours), and self-settles going to bed in the early evening (sleeps approx 12 hours, but with the wake-up).
Bec – will the book help with a self-settler who is addicted to having a midnight snack? It’s less about teaching him to go to sleep and more about teaching him to stay asleep and quit his habit…
Thanks! xo
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Yes, this is me too. My 16 month-old self settles easily (though with a dummy) but is addicted to his overnight breast feed(s) and won’t resettle without it. Sleeps well during the day 2-3 hours.
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My local early childhood health centre nurses told me it’s actually really normal for an 18 month old to wake once a night. And he sleeps for 12 hours? Sorry, that really doesn’t seem like a huge problem!
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Hi Niconic,
The amount of sleep he has overall is great. It’s the milk habit that’s the issue.
The not having had one unbroken night’s sleep in 18 months is beginning to wear. His usual pattern is to wake at around 11.30pm and 4am, then up for the day between 5.30-6am. We’ve had a handful of nights where it’s only one wake up.
Size of problem regardless, I’d like to change the habit.
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Fair enough, Emma. I know, it’s really hard when you have other kids too as it’s not like you can just sleep during the day and catch up! My firstborn was a SHOCKING sleeper, she had reflux and we also lived in an apartment when she was a bub so I was really conscious of the neighbours and never let her cry much, so as a consequence we had to resettle her numerous times a night for sooooo long because she didn’t learn to self-settle. It was such a hard time. My second bub is now 17 months old and he still rarely sleeps through the night. He was a dummy addict but weaned himself when he had hand, foot and mouth a few months back. But we are so tired that we do the naughty thing and just bring him into bed with us when he wakes more than once! Oh well, my eldest is a great sleeper now so I just have to wait til the little one decides to sleep through on his own. Good luck with dropping the milk and dummy!
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Best of luck, Niconic!! I know what you mean about taking the easy route sometimes.
My eldest is 13, so I have the opposite problem (digging her out of bed). Maybe we need a follow-up book on that!
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Hi Emma
There are programs in there for babies and toddlers who wake in the night. So yes …I think it can help. And there’s a separate program for children who are in ‘big beds’ … Elizabeth believes (from her 20 years of experience) that once a baby is 6 months old (and is well and not sick) they no longer need to be fed at night. So it’s really about weaning him off the habit. Does that make sense? And that’s what the book covers … breaking those sleep habits and props. She’s worked with hundreds and hundreds of toddlers in that exact same position (I think the ‘midnight’ feed is as common a problem as the dummy addiction issue … both BIG issues for parents!).
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Great – thanks, Bec. I agree – it’s a prop that he doesn’t need.
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I would encourage any ‘would be’ parent to read WIDELY on the sleep issue, take as many tools from as many books as you can, file them away in your mind and then when the time comes, trust yourself to be able to read your babies signs and signals and make intelligent and informed decisions about what your baby needs.
Babies cry when they need something, and sometimes you’ll be stumped, and you know – thats OK! My LO had ‘silent’ reflux and wouldn’t sleep well at all. I was encouraged to practice CIO but refused because it was clear to me that something was wrong. Turned out, I was right. I felt quite justified once we’d figured it out.
Later on she became a thumb sucker. I’d put her to be all nicely swaddled and with her dummy (another story) and within 15 minutes she’d go from silent to extremely distressed. Turns out she’d spit her dummy out and couldn’t get to her thumb – so we stopped swaddling and just put her in a sleeping bag. Problem solved.
I also learnt that a 15 second grizzle is normal, but thats different to any sort of crying
My point is, many sleep tools are invaluable, but I know mums who tell me that they wouldn’t know what to do for/with their kids without their detailed routines prescribed by a stranger. But the thing is that babies don’t read the books and they have limited ability to communicate their needs. You’ll be surprised what you can do yourself
)
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I’m not at the life stage of having babies just yet BUT I am so very thankful that when I am at that stage that my friends and I will be able to access resources such as this! Thanks, ladies!
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God I am SO glad that I am past this stage of my life!
I honestly wonder whether all of this advice about getting babies to sleep is very helpful? It is a bit like all of the advice and strategies marketed towards women believing that they can “control” their labour using their minds. In my opinion it just sets us up to feel like failures.
I read about 7 different sleep/settling books before my son was born. My husband and I tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep. We spoke to Tresillian and Karitane and NOTHING helped! For FOUR months he cried to be fed every 2 hours AROUND THE CLOCK! It was a terrible time of my life
Only now, at nine months of age has he finally just got it. One night about two weeks ago I put him into his bed awake (he has never taken a dummy) when he was grizzly at 6pm (like every other night) and miraculously he slept until 6am! He has now been doing that for a fortnight and I feel like I am in heaven.
But I didn’t DO anything differently! HE was quite simply just READY to do it.
I just feel that all of this emphasis on making babies sleep before they are ready leaves a lot of parents feeling like failures when it doesn’t work for them.
I guess it is like anything in parenting. If it works for you you want to preach it to everyone and if it doesn’t you don’t.
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What a great idea. I have a friend who used Elizabeth and raved about her. I couldn’t afford it at the time so I kept battling for almost 2 years until my daughter finally started sleeping.
Wish this book had been available back then for me!
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I am sure that Elizabeth’s approach is terrific and gets results. I am all for a good sleep routine and teaching babies to self-settle. I wouldn’t have done it any other way for our kids.
But like Mel said below, it is basically the same approach as Tizzie Hall – Save Our Sleep. But for some reason, I think people assume that because she has published a book on routines etc that she is some crazy lady who is cruel to babies. SO NOT TRUE. She is a gentle, educated, loving mother herself and her approach is also, like Elizabeth’s, brilliant.
She does not and has never suggested that babies should be sleeping through the night without a feed from 6 weeks old or that you should ‘shut the nursery door and let a baby cry in distress’. The people stating these things have obviously not read the book.
So, get onto Elizabeth’s e-book if you need help in the baby-sleep department. Go for it! These approaches of teaching babies to self-settle really are life savers to sleep deprived parents. But don’t in the meantime, slag off other people who have written about similar approaches.
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Bought it and read it straight away. Makes a lot of sense, I can’t wait to start with my 7 month old next week! Thanks so much guys, perfect timing!
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When I originally read this article I recall it reassuring readers that Elizabeth’s approach did not use controlled crying techniques. It stated that crying was definitely involved but not “controlled crying.”
Hmmm…. has this now been edited out of this article?
I noted that in chapter 2 Elizabeth actually confirms that yes indeed she does use controlled crying techniques. She says that controlled crying is ok from 6 months of age.
I think people think of controlled crying as someone allowing their children to cry until they vomit, but as Elizabeth clarifies, Controlled Crying (or ‘controlled comforting’ as it is sometimes called) is actually ”a behavioural technique designed to teach babies to go to sleep (or put themselves back to sleep) independently without the need for ‘props’ (think dummies and bottles and parents having to rock, pat, sing or even feed their babies to sleep.) A controlled crying program asks parents to leave the crying child alone for set periods of time while still continuing to check and reassure the baby. ”
I don’t have any issue with Elizabeth’s approach, I was just really disappointed that this article was written in a way to encourage tired, fatigued, exhausted parents to try this new unique approach which supposedly did NOT advocate controlled crying, when in fact it does!!
I believe Save our Sleep is just as good an approach and if only people would stop labelling Tizzy Hall as evil and cruel and actually READ the book you will see that her philosophy is nearly identical to Elizabeth.
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Hi Mel, Bec has addressed this point in the comments below
Thanks!
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Hi Mel,
If you have any concerns, you can use the contact form on the Gift Of Sleep website to contact Bec directly.
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Hi Mel
I am out at a cafe using my iPhone so forgive any typos. Mia and I didn’t want to create any confusion with the book – hence we edited the original post slightly. Controlled crying has become an umbrella term that can mean leaving a baby to cry – whether that be for 2 minutes or 2 hours. Elizabeth does not condone leaving babies to cry it out. Parents are asked to stay outside the nursery door for 5 minutes. It’s really controlled comforting. Not the old school controlled crying we all hate! I don’t think we have ever claimed to be a different philosophy to SOS, have we? Although there are key differences in the two programs. Elizabeth is not focused on making babies sleep through the night. Instead she wants to teach self- settling so that when babies naturally wake at night, they can drift back to sleep. If you continue to have concerns please feel free to email us directly using the details on the GOS website.
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Yes, neither does Tizzie Hall, just to clarify. Her entire book is about teaching babies to self settle and not be reliant on props or sleep aids.
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Um, do you perhaps work for Tizzy Hall?!
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I was lucky enough to have Elizabeth look after my twins during a family visit to Sydney when I was not coping with two hourly feeds and needed a couple of nights off. My babies were too young at that time to learn to sleep but Elizabeth was amazing with them. Full of helpful insights and warm loving care.
She also got my Sydney based nephew sleeping through the night when my SIL was desperate. He was a reflux filled anxious baby and Elizabeth got him sorted in three nights. He went from waking hourly to sleeping through.
I am sure this book can bring relief to all parents and babies who struggle with sleep.
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with a 7 month old who woke every hour and half last night i am desperate for this book. If only it was an actual book that i could buy and cant download teh e book. Oh, well hope my little boy starts sleeping better soon.
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The book comes as a PDF which you should be able to read on any PC or Mac computer, not just in ePub/mobi format. Does this help at all?
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OMG!!! How beautiful is that video? Love it
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Downloaded it and tonight when Miss 7 Month Old wakes every 2 hours I will be reading my plan for tomorrow night. Thank you Mamamia.
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Snap. Bought it when this first went up a couple of hours ago. Already loving it.
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hmmm….with due respect to the author, I sometimes think ‘controlled comforting’ is the same as controlled crying but adjusted slightly to make the parents feel better.
My home nurse tried to get me to do this with my 6 month old recently and it was awful and he was a wreck. I breast feed him to sleep which works, I don’t know why I let him cry and wail when we have a system that works.
I’d much rather take a gentler approach so that my boy doesn’t have to get upset and cry, whether I’m there when he cries or not. I felt incredibly guilty that he was crying and not asleep and it was my fault!
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seriously, just do what works for you. i never did any sort of sleep training, i just expected to not get a full nights sleep for at least the first year. your child won’t be feeding to sleep when he is 18, so why worry?
i was exactly the same, broke every rule and have great sleepers now. i think a lot of pressure is put on you by other people who have a real issue with it. if it works for you then that is all that matters.
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I know just how you feel Claire. I thought the same when my son was 6 months old (he’s now 16 years old).
The issue for me was that I had to be able to stop breastfeeding eventually and I did need the occasional break. I was the only one who could settle him back to sleep so we could never go out. He also filled up on milk all night long and then didn’t want to eat during the day.
Finally we did “controlled comforting’ when he was about 10 months old. He slept brilliantly after a couple of nights, he also ate better and I felt human again. All babies are different but you may want to keep this up your sleeve for when your son is older.
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I was very excited to read this article as it seemed meant for me. I excitedly downloaded the e-book and have just read the first 60 pages.
I have to be honest and say that so far I am disappointed. The Gift of Sleep approach was described as being an alternative to controlled crying (CC) however CC is actually advocated by Elizabeth as long as it is used with a baby aged 6 months and over. Semantics? Clever marketing? I was surprised to see that the initial section of the e-book is dedicated to justifying the use of CC through stats and citing various studies.
In reality I feel that the approach described here is no different to that espoused in Save our Sleep (SOS). I actually like SOS and contrary to what everyone seems to believe, Tizzy Hall does not advocate allowing a child to cry emotionally, she only encourages leaving a baby to cry if it is a protesting cry. Elizabeth says the same. In fact there are overwhelming similarities in Tizzy and Elizabeth’s approaches.
I downloaded this e-book so I could read something which would give me an alternative to SOS so I could weigh up my options and feel that I have explored all avenues before adopting a particular approach. I was disappointed with what I have read. I feel that I have just been provided with a variation on SOS. I’m not saying Elizabeth copied Tizzy or vice versa, I am just saying that the overall style is very similar so I wasn’t able to gain any extra value from this although it was lauded as the magic remedy we have all been looking for.
Granted, I haven’t finished the e-book yet but from what I have read so far I feel a bit duped and quite frankly I wish I could get my money back. Sorry to be negative as that is not my style, but I just feel quite deflated after the hugely positive reviews and recommendations The Gift of Sleep was given when it is in fact not an alternative to CC, it just provides a different way to view CC and make us feel better about it.
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Hi Mel
Obviously we are really disappointed to hear that from you. I would really, really encourage you to read the whole book where you will see that Elizabeth asks that parents do not leave their babies for longer than 5-10 minutes at most. And she asks parents to ALWAYS go to comfort their little ones if they sound distressed. As parents we all know that there are different cries … and a distressed cry is quite different to a protest cry or the sounds a baby makes as they are going off to sleep (which is often a grizzle).
I think the term ‘controlled crying’ still conjures up for many parents the idea of shutting a bedroom door and leaving a child to scream until they fall asleep. Elizabeth would just never, ever advocate that.
Anyway – thanks for your feedback and I hope by the end of the book you feel differently.
Kind regards
Bec
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Totally agree about the similarities between Elizabeth and Tizzie. They basically have the same philosophy, and yet Tizzie gets a bad rap from so many thinking that she is some kind of crazy woman who suggests we let our babies cry till they vomit in distress. As mentioned by someone below. SO NOT TRUE!
As you say, Tizzie really teaches you the difference between your babies emotional cry and just a protest cry. I found this INVALUABLE. I NEVER EVER let my babies cry when they were emotional, I always went in to cuddle them. And they were still sleeping through the night from a really really early age.
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hi there- have u read pinky mckay or elizabeth pantley? Both have a very different approach to Tizzie Hall- no crying!
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As I said above, please read Dr Chilton’s book, and try watching Dr Karp’s DVD. I found both immensely helpful and both are true alternatives to controlled crying.
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Sharon, I certainly understand that, the woman from my mothers group who went to sleep school certainly fell into that camp. I just wish there was more support for mums suffering sleep deprivation, so that sleep training is a last resort, rather than so common as it is these days. To be honest, people tried to make me feel incredibly guilty and terrible for *not* sleep training my daughter, I certainly was made to feel I was in the minority and constantly having to defend myself. I think it is good for women to be aware of various perspectives and options, not just the mainstream “sleep training” school that is so dominant in today’s media and society a large. PS as I stated above, I *did* seek help, two home visits from Pinky McKay, one around 4 mos and one around 9 mos.
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I think that’s a really interesting comment. I have thought about this a lot myself and I think it’s because our extended families and traditional support networks have broken down. Many of us don’t live close to our families and because families are smaller, many of us don’t have many or any siblings.
We don’t even know who our neighbours are half the time.
That’s why what used to be natural is no longer natural. We need help. Well, I need help. I’m exhausted. I have a 9 month old and a 3 yo. My daughter started sleeping through the night at 6 months so I assumed my son would be the same. But I’m up every 2 hours with him to rock and pat him back to sleep.
This takes about 20 minutes and buys me about 1.5 hours of sleep.
And so it goes all night. Every night. Time to buy this book methinks. I’m waving the white flag.
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With all respect I disagree that sleep school programs should be a last resort. No offence but everything you say here goes in direct contradiction to the findings from sleep studies on children. Little kids need to be getting a full night of sleep — not broken sleep night after night after night.
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No offense taken! My daughter at 27 mos is over 3 ft tall and 17 kg (off the charts!), I hate to think what would have happened if she had had more sleep!
. There are also studies that discuss the impacts of CC, eg http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/Controled%20Crying.pdf. Good to have lots of information to hand.
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I think that you may not need sleep training as such, but certainly education on sleep needs, cycles, some techniques for settling and so on for babies is helpful. That way you already have an idea of what to expect. Baby sleep patterns are so different to adult sleep ones.
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Does this book teach you how to get a nine month old to sleep who has previously self settled herself to sleep with no dummy ect… But is now starting to stand in her cot..
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It most certainly does! There’s a separate program for toddlers who have started standing in their cots! And another for little ones who are now sleeping in ‘big beds’. Good luck!!
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reading some of these comments makes me so sad. Thank you thank you thank you Gods of Sleep, It seems I was so blessed with my 2 boys and their sleeping habits.. Please anyone out there – if you are still tired at 3 or even 6 months get some real hands on help! bottom line is you can’t care for your family if you are sleep deprived. it doesn’t matter if you WANT to, you simply CAN’T
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Any chance a “paper” book is on the way? I may purchase this download anyway, as its sounds ideal, but confess that I am just stubbornly a paper book person! I have an almost 3 yr old who usually sleeps through, only as of the last year or so, but needs me to sit with him until he falls asleep in order for bedtime to run smoothly. And hopefully another on the way who I plan on teaching to SELF-SETTLE!
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No plans for paper, no. We thought this was the best, fastest and most cost effective way to get the book STRAIGHT into the hands of sleep deprived parents.
Hang in there! X
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I truly feel like a broken record here, but anyway.
If you have problems give your local child health clinic a ring.
We (in our district) offer sleep groups/consults. If that doesn’t help, we offer day stay/home stay where you either come to us for a day or we go to you for half a day and see how you go. If that doesn’t help we refer to a residential centre. The Ellen Barron centre is the Qld one. Each state has their own and all are run fairly similarly.
If following this book (which is very good) works, do so, but if you need more support we are here.
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I attended a couple of sleep clinics at my local CYHS, the first was when my daugher was 7 months & would only nap for 40 mins, they ended the fruitless session with the words “well she is such a sweet baby to be around…”??? The second one at 15 months when she was still waking at 2am, they suggested I “role-play”, by playing at putting the baby doll back in her cot, while the 2 (childless) nurses were discussing the merits my little darling was whacking the baby doll on the head with a squeaky toy…
I know most of them do a great job.
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Yeah – I found the advice I got from my baby health care nurse to be very kind but not nearly specific enough. It was a bit ‘whatever works’ but that was the problem! Nothing works! I feel like I’m walking through pea soup. I haven’t had more than 4 hours in a row for more than a year now.
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Not every one will find us helpful. It can be either us, you, baby or a mix of all of it. Not everyone’s “specialty” is sleep issues either. I personally enjoy helping parents with sleep issues & behaviour management for older kids, but some enjoy breastfeeding advice etc.
Child health clinics are a good general resource though and remember that baby whisperers are generally child health nurses too.
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Too true.
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Sorry Faybian. I tried to get help via the public system (ie the ECHCs and tresillian) with my second child and they just weren’t interested. So I went private (ie Elizabeth). After that I wouldnt waste a moment chasing help publicly again.
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It’s a shame that you didn’t get the help you needed publicly. As I said before there are people that won’t get the help they need for whatever reason. Some people just can’t afford to get help privately. I work in a low socio economic area and I doubt anyone living there could afford their own baby whisperer.
To be quite honest, the people commenting on this forum are generally the type to get help if they need it anyway. They have issues that need help too, but we try very hard to engage those that don’t seek help, because usually they really need it. I include myself in the former.
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Too true!
I was very lucky to have the means and ability to access other forms of help.
What upset me was that even after telling them (tresillian) how tired I was managing a two year old and a 6 month baby who only slept for 45mins at a time, and would only nap after 20mins of patting (very difficult to do this with 2nd old outside the door) and I had a referral from a gp saying I had PND and recommending I needed a residential program as I was not comfortable doing a cc program without support (apparently that referral was useless anyway, it had to be from a paedeatrician or a day stay centre), they told me that they couldn’t really help me- but I could go to the local day stay (an 8 week wait for a place) and then if they referred me I might be successful in getting a place in about 4 months time. So, I asked if they could suggest someone who could help me at home, they tell me “oh we can’t recommend anyone”. the best they could offer was telling me to call an agency (but we can’t recommend any names). I later found out that a number of tresillian staff actually ‘moonlight’ doing baby sleep help. Would it have really hurt them to show me a bit of compassion and give me their names? Even if they couldn’t ‘recommend’ them?
Luckily I found out about Elizabeth the next day when I told a friend about this experience and she said her friend has used someone. Elizabeth was able to come and stay with us 3 weeks later, and we never looked back.
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It does sound really poor, I have to admit. Those wait times, even for day stay are ridiculous (8 weeks). Ours is 1-2 weeks. There is a wait for the Ellen Barron centre that varies, but yes, they could have reccommended someone.
The magazine sydney’s/melbourne’s/brisbane’s child often has ads for people like Elizabeth.
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I love Elizabeth! I went to tresillian with my first boy who was a shocking sleeper. Second time around I tried to get in again, and they placed so many hurdles in front of me (“surely you should know what to do now” etc) that I was in tears and desperate. We were given Elizabeth’s name by a friend of a friend, and from the first moment I spoke to her I was in love. My number two son slept through the night within a week of her staying with us (he previously only slept for about 45 mins at a time), and two years later still does (plus has 2.5 hour nap in the middle of the day. She told me that ‘she fixes families’. She sure does!
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Elizabeth Sloane walked quietly into our lives when our second child was nearly twelve months old. We had a perfect sleeper first time around and I was shocked by how this baby was not sleeping for more than 2 hours at any given time. Exhaustion, embarrassment, and a deep sense of failing after sessions at Karitane and with other sleep helpers lead both my husband and I to breaking point as parents and as a marriage. The whole house was exhausted. Elizabeth arrived at 10pm, quietly and yet with a sense of confidence and calm into our lives. After twelve months of nothing more than 2 hours sleep we saw success after three nights. The first night I cried myself to sleep as Elizabeth took charge and taught my tiny little man how to truly sleep. Three nights. That was it. Seven years later he is now first to sleep of his three other siblings, he sleeps soundly and as he is on the top bunk, through anything. Without Elizabeth’s strength and guidance in helping me change my habits I honestly don’t know where our house would have ended up. I have recommended her far and wide and will always be grateful for the manner in which she guided me and helped our son.
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I just wanted to pop in and say thanks to all our readers who sent in photos. We have a second video coming that has more of your beautiful images in it, so stay tuned.
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The photos were so beautiful! Made me all clucky again even though my youngest has just been toilet trained and I swore she’d be my last! lol
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Can’t wait to read this. And, I just shared the link with my mother’s group too – we all have 6 month olds and a few of us are pretty tired!!!
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Becky, I’m jealous! I really miss my old mother’s group in Brisbane. They were the best! There’s nothing like a group of sleep-deprived mothers hanging out and having a laugh!
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My youngest of four is 13 months and the longest he has slept is 4 hours and that’s only been a handful of times. More often than not I end up in the recliner with him aalepp on my chest as I’m too tired to lean over the cot and settle. He still has 2 sleeps a day in my arms. As soon as I put him down he’s awake before I close the door. I’ve never been so exhausted but I do what I have to for all my family. Will definitely check out this book, but I just don’t have the stamina to see it through. If only Elizabeth did house calls out in the bush!
By the way, I sent in a pic, not thinking you would use it….and there we are! Lucky you didn’t use the boob shot!
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I hope it gets better for you soon. Do you have some relatives nearby to help you out? I couldn’t imagine being that sleep deprived and still having to look after another three!
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I too have a 13 month old baby boy who has never slept more than 4 hours – and has only done that a few times. Mostly it is 2 hourly wake-ups and I mostly I pick him and feed him in bed – because like you – I am too tired to do anything else and I don’t want to wake up the rest of the family with any crying. I think after a year of very little sleep – often days with only 45 minutes here and there – I feel like a shadow of my former self. But like you – I still have faith that it will get better. ANd my little boy does sleep in the cot during the day. I take my hat to you for your dedication ….well done and hope your little one starts sleeping better really soon so you can get some well-deserved rest.
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THANK YOU! We were going to start the Ferber approach with our 5.5 month old but will now have a look at this.
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I might have actually enjoyed my babies if this book had been published 18 years ago instead of feeling constantly stressed. Best gift ever!
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Our first was a terrific sleeper. We were very up ourselves and thought his tranquil nature was due to our exemplary parenting. How wrong we were. Our daughter joined the party and partied all night and catnapped all day. We got lucky with baby one and went mental with baby two. WHERE WAS MY GIFT OF SLEEP WHEN I NEEDED IT?
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5 words: Tizzy Hall – The Baby Whisperer. Our 5 week old was sleeping from 7pm to 7am (with a dream feed at 10.30pm) and ALWAYS slept well. The book is bloody amazing. Sure, I was a nap nazi, but the sleep was goooooood.
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A five week old baby NEEDS to be feeding regularly throughout the night. their tummies are tiny and they digest milk (particularly breastmilk) incredibly quickly. A five week old who is going for nine hours without a feed is being deprived of nutrients they desperately need.
A new mum whose milk supply is still being established needs to be feeding every couple of hours in order to have enough milk to feed her baby.
Tizzie Hall isn’t a lactation consultant and she is seriously putting the breastfeeding relationship of every mum and baby in serious trouble.
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Actually, as an avid Tizzie fan AND a breastfeeding mother, she does not tell you to let a baby that age sleep that long without waking them up for a breast feed. In fact, on the Tizzie routine I felt more like a dairy milk cow than I did with my first child (who I didn’t use Tizzie with), as by following her routines I was either feeding or expressing all the time.
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Exactly Kylie. Sorry Trixie, you are wrong on Tizzie… she is an avid supporter of breastfeeding and would never tell a mother to deprive her baby of any feeds that it needs.
Also my now 3 year old was sleeping through the night with a dreamfeed from 6 weeks old. There isn’t anything wrong with her and she has never been nutrient deprived.
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Suggesting that a five week old baby can and should be sleeping through the night is, by definition, incredibly damaging to successful breastfeeding.
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Ive just read Tizzie’s book. How the hell do you push a six week old to feeds every four hours during the day? Mine would feed all day if i let him. Pushing out to two hours is a stretch. I have started dreamfeeding though before i go to bed which has currently bought me a few more hours. Bought this e book as I’m interested to see how the programs compare. Thanks Mia, Elisabeth and Bec.
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Which definition is that? If babies sleeping through the night has NOT affected successful breast feeding with certain mothers and babies, then it is not incredibly damaging is it? There is actual human proof then… Please remember that circumstances are different with everyone so don’t generalize and tell mothers that they are being ‘incredibly damaging’ is their baby does happen to sleep through.
Also, Where did you get that Tizzie says a 5 week old ‘can and should be sleeping through the night.’?? She never says that, on the contrary, she suggests routines that include feeding your baby when they wake during the night until… Well until they stop waking through the night. That could be 3, 6, 12 etc months old.
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Congratulations! What a brilliant idea for your first e book. Supporting mothers and babies is so important. Hooray for you and all the mums and bubs who need a good sleep.
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My daughter slept through from 9 weeks old. Brilliant. My son, on the other hand, was still getting us up 8-11 times a night at 4 months. Finally, FINALLY at 9 months he is sleeping through 4 nights out of 5.
We had exactly the same routine with both kids. Sometimes, it’s just about personality! If you’d brought this book out 2 months ago I would have DEVOURED it!Thank God we no longer need it!
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I love anything that can help baby sleep. I went through my baby clinic and went to karitani which I think follow the same principles on comfort crying not controlled. My son and I benefitted so much.
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Does it cover getting twins to sleep? What about if you have twins and a 2 year old toddler?? I’m due in October and I’m freaking out that i will never be able to sleep again!!
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Yes it does. Elizabeth has done many sleep programs with twins. May the force be with you!
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I’m about to buy this book and I am praying it works! I have a 10 month old hardcore non-sleeper and am so exhausted it makes it hard to enjoy both my children. To be honest I’m very sceptical but would love to be proven wrong. Fingers crossed!
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Oh Liza, I feel your pain. Try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something else. It is worth the pain sticking out the nights it takes to “train” your child to self settle. It took us longer, even sticking to Tressillion plan to the letter. Hugs, and lets hope it helps.
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Mia – I read your article “No one hears you scream at 3am” when I was highly sleep deprived with my first child. Thrilled I wasn’t alone, something in me STILL told me “I should be able to do this on my own”. I think it was the over achiever I left at my desk when I went on maternity leave! With my 2nd it was different, I had a 2yo to consider during the day and a 3 week old to ‘endure’ during the night. I called on the INCREDIBLE Jo Ryan from baby bliss when he hit 4.5 months. She stayed 3 nights, and she saved my life. I can honestly say (and so can the rest of my family) this was the best money we have ever spent! I am still an over achiever, with ridiculous expectations on myself as a mother, however now I also have the voice of reason again! Good luck to all those mums out there who need help – its so OK to ask for it.
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We went to Tresillian, and they were amazing. Our little girl was 7 months old when we were there. She was a “cat napper” and very unpredictable at night. They put her on a routine, taught her to self-settle, and got rid of the dummy. 3 months on, she has two good naps every day and sleeps 12+ hours every night. I can’t recommend Tresillian highly enough.
Both my husband and I stayed there for 4 nights, and for the 3 of us, including all meals and accommodation, it was $300. It’s worth the wait on that waiting list.
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