Denise and Bruce Morcombe
We should never have heard of Bruce Morcombe.
He should be running his business on the Sunshine Coast, making ‘Dad jokes’ and helping his sons choose cars.
But we know Bruce, and his wife Denise because their beautiful boy Daniel was abducted and murdered in 2003.
We don’t need to read more about the horrible day, or the eight years of not knowing what happened; or the fresh horror of knowing.
But now that a man has been charged and a trial is imminent, the media will again drip with fear and anger.
But astonishingly, it won’t come from Daniel’s parents.
Daniel Morcombe
They’ve taken their grief and turned it something positive, taking to the road for weeks at a time, visiting schools and talking about personal safety.
You’d think if anyone was going to say, ‘Never let your kids out of your sight,’ it’d be them, but no.
Their message is one of community and empowerment. Kids should be able to walk to school, catch buses and go shopping, but they need to be taught how to avoid finding themselves in situations they can’t control.
Thanks to Bruce and Denise and the foundation they set up in Daniel’s honour, Queensland schools will implement a personal safety program in 2012 – and it won’t be about scaring kids and parents witless.
Earlier this week, I contacted the foundation looking for information for this post and was humbled when Bruce called me. Not only is he a grieving dad, he’s a man on a mission, and he sent me a copy of the notes he uses when he and Denise visit schools. From those, and using the information available at the Daniel Morcombe Foundation, www.childsafety.org.au and www.beingsafetysmart.com.au I’ve put together a summary of the Morcombes’ message to our kids:
Our son Daniel did not get a second chance. His legacy is that you can learn from this tragic event and make sure it does not happen again. Daniel has given you that second chance.
1. When you can, stay with a friend. Even if you have a fight with your mate, don’t go off alone.
2. Be observant. Notice who’s around you and what they’re doing.
3. Have a family password. Something like your favourite food – lasagne, for example. If a person says they are meant to pick you up, test them on the password.
4. With your parents, make a list of 5 adults you trust. If you ever feel uneasy about anybody or anything, tell one of these people and know you won’t get into trouble. If you feel you’re not being listened to, try someone else.
5. Don’t share information about yourself, like your hobbies or the name of your school with people you don’t know, online or in real life.
6. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Trust the butterflies in your stomach – they could be a sign something’s not right.
7. It’s okay to run and scream if you feel threatened. Safety is more important than good manners.
Today is Day For Daniel, a national day of action promoting child safety. All over Australia kids are wearing red to school (Daniel was last seen wearing a red t-shirt) and everyone is being encouraged to talk about child safety. Bruce and Denise are more than figureheads – this has become their life’s work. Thousands of activities are planned, from walks to talks to picnics and bike rides, all designed to educate and empower kids. If you’d like to find out more, or make a donation click here.
Comments
80 Comments so far
I sincerely hope this little boy Daniel will now finally be allowed to rest in peace. It is fine to run a child safety campaign to alert parents to instruct their children in safety behaviour. Child protection programs have been around in schools for about 30 years. I have personally trained hundreds of teachers and parents in this field. However , I feel quite concerned that one individual childs private tragedy should be used to publically promote a campaign. Lets get back to professional, objective and researched based programs to inform kids and families how to avoid the same fate. My sympathy and best wishes go out to Daniels family, but please let him rest now.
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I love all the hints and discuss them regularly with my kids – except the family password. Passwords are east to ‘break’, over hear or let slip. Instead my children are told I will never send someone they haven’t met before. They don’t need to know them really well, but they will know them.
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OMG my heart breaks for this family.
They seem amazing and strong, but must have had some very dark times.
I am also the mother of twins and think often about Daniel…its just too hard to even fathom…
Thanks for the advice – especially the family passwork…good strategy
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My sister told me at her sons primary school they teach kids to shout ” your not my mummy/daddy” this makes other adults notice. We are so used to kids chucking a tantrum when asked to leave a playground that we tend to ignore.
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Excellent messages that I’ll share with my children xo
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And I’m quite sick of this “but I don’t want to wrap my kids up in cotton wool” attitude. Your a parent of a child. Children don’t know of certain dangers and as someone said on this board, are naturally trusting. Let’s not forget all the children that go missing because these predators concoct stories to get them into a position where they are even more venerable. These predators know exactly what to say. You don’t have to wrap your children up in cotton wool to keep them safe! You just have to make sure they don’t go out alone, until they are of age!
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I know exactly what u mean & I agree with you. Both posts
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Something that has never been mentioned, and should be. A 13 year old should never be out by themselves. It states on the MAKO web site that most abductions and attempted abductions happen between 3-4.30pm and that you should NEVER let your child walk home from school alone. Surely this rule applies outside these times, including weekends, but as after school time is popular window of opportunity, this is the time they have concentrated on. It doesn’t matter how much a child attempts to scream and run and yells out “NO I DON’T WANT TO!!”. If an abductor wants to get a child in a car that desperately, they are going to succeed. Unfortunately times have changed and parents need to realize this. The days of heading off to a corner shop on your bike for an icecream are OVER. Many families have suffered the consequences and parents must learn and ex erode responsibility. Even a 15 year old child is still not of age. Teach your children stranger danger, just in case they ever need it, but do not put your children in a situation and rely on the fact that stranger danger will save your child against 1 or more people twice their size and twice as strong.
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Please read http://freerangekids.com. Please.
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and Jill, she was 33… my goodness where were her parents / husband. Children dont get responsibility, insight and the ability to handle difficult behaviour as a present for their 16th or 18th birthday. It has to be learnt and it takes years. I will be allowing my children and teenagers to walk and be alone and make choices because when they turn 18, get a driving licence and can drink I want them to have practiced their own good sense. Your point of view is what scares me as a parent, that children will enter the world with no preperation but a birthday card and legal coming of age.
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This is so sad. You’re buying into terrorising. I feel infinitely sorry for your children, should you have any, and hope when the day comes that they are ‘let off the leash’ they know how to be safe independently.
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In the suburbs of Melbourne recently there have been a few attempted child abductions of young children in early Primary School. I think it’s really important to start child safety education from an early age.
On Telly a while ago I saw something on this topic. One of the suggestions made was if a child cannot run away to lie on the ground almost like a Beatle on their back and to kick and scream. Because in this position it is had for an adult to pick a child up.
On child safety I think it’s also important to educate children on personal boundaries and protective behaviors, to prevent child sex abuse or to give the child the skills to report it if something happens. The ideas suggested by the morcombs could also be used to educate children on this too.
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When i was 12 I was almost taken on the gold coast, I ran all the way home and cried to mum! My step dad went out looking for hours trying to find anyone lurking around but found no one! I have a 10 year old son and at the moment there are 2 men lurking around! The beat advise that I can give is if your child is old enough to understand sit them down and explain what is happening and show the pictures of the men’s face to make them aware! I have done this with my son! Cause I will never be strong enough if he went missing! The morcombe family are my heart! They way you have turned a nasty thing into helping others! Well u are just well words can’t explain! I followed every part and I feel like Daniel was also a child to me! He was your child but lived in the hearts of many! Love and respect to you morcombe family!
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I remember seeing a social experiment on TV once where they used children who had had the stranger danger message drummed into them by their parents. They secretly filmed the children (the parent were of course involved in the whole thing) being left in a food court in a busy shopping centre while the mother went to the loo for a few minutes. They then had a well groomed non scary looking man approach the children and make small talk with them, the chatting led to the man telling the child he had a puppy in his car and would they like to come and look for it, or that he needed help with something and would they come with him – scarily on EVERY occasion the children went with him. They also did another scenario where children were playing out front of their houses and a man pulls up in a car and tries to lure the child over saying he’s lost a puppy and has a picture of it, and could the child look at the pic to see if they’ve seen his dog. All but one child went close enough to the car to be grabbed. The parents were interviewd afterwards and were all extrememly distraught and distressed that the stranger danger message hadn’t gotten though, and these kids were all around 10 years old. Seeing this footage (I think it was on Oprah) really terrified me and made me think about how much children take in of what you tell them and that it’s not always the scary creepy man that’s the one they need to look out for.
The Morecombes are truly amazing people and I’m sure what they are doing has helped save some children who might otherwise have found themselves in the same situation as their son.
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I saw that segment on Oprah, too. Children are naturally trusting and, so far as being “grabbed”? A small child has no chance against an adult male. I had a conversation just yesterday about child abduction and we agreed that too many young children are left unsupervised.
And, personally, I don’t don’t think any child who has not reached speaking age should ever be left with someone the parent the doesn’t trust absolutely.
And paedophiles should never be released. The sooner that ‘virus’ is contained, the sooner it can be eradicated.
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I would wrap my kids up in cotton wool, but know that that’s no childhood, and it’s no good for their development. I started letting my son walk to school late last year when he turned 10, but not before I drummed to him those very same points list above. With both my kids, I have started talking about not only stranger danger, but also people we know. They already know who the select few people are allowed to ever come and get them from anywhere. And they’re not frightened, they have independence and confidence and awareness (I hope). I remember my childhood being one of freedom, walking to shops, schools, and public transport at 12yo (i know some parents who are adamant they’re driving their kids to highschool!).
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What a wonderful family and a great message for our kids. If only the laws kept these creeps that prey on kids in jail for the time they deserve people may not have to suffer this agony.
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i think the morcombe’s are totally inspirational in doing everything they can to help keep our children safe.
i second someone else’s suggestion below that they should be nominated for australian’s of the year
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What about the little children we don’t hear about that were snatched from their bedrooms like the little Arabic girl in Sydney? What if we somehow had done more? How can someone cut through a fly screen, take a little girl sleeping in the same bed as her two other sisters and disappears forever? The morecombs are an amazing couple and family but my heart goes out to those families where English is not their first language, they don’t have the support from the community, or media smarts, or stamina due to a lack of support in Australia helping to find their child too. I shudder to think what ever happened to that little girl. Like when Anna Wood died and was on the front page of ever paper but all the other unfortunate children and young drug addicts who had suffered the same fate never received the same media exposure. Daniel’s legacy and family have done an amazing thing in helping the community.
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I think you should do some more research into the particular case you mentioned with the young girl.
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Thank you for the list. A great starting point about safety for my little ones. They wore red tee’s today too. I told them that today was a very special day where we remember a little boy who was taken by a bad person and how much his family miss him and want to make sure that this doesn’t happen to any other children. Miss 5 got it – in fact she cried when I told her. Miss 2 didn’t really understand but I don’t care. She’s never too young to start to learn about being safe. I’ll be printing up Bruce’s tips and putting them on our fridge and every morning we will remind our children about staying safe.
Thank you Bruce & Denise.
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I am going to go through all of those steps with my kids.
Denise and Bruce are brave people who are doing something with their lives to prevent others from going thru what they went thru. No one will ever forget Daniel.
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Every time I see a picture or footage of the Morcombes I feel heartbroken and inspired all at once.
Thanks for the post, Kate.
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Such beautiful people, and thank you for these tips – I will certainly be passing them on.
My wise mother also passed on a tip to me from as far back as I can remember: “If anyone ever grabs you or anything like that, you just knee them in the balls and run like hell!!! And make lots of noise!”
Although this might seem like a rather odd thing for a child to know/learn, I always felt empowered by it and like I had a tool for when I felt scared. Luckily I never had to put it into practise, although Mum also taught me to trust my instincts which got me out of a couple of sticky situations.
I also believe that as I grew up, perhaps the feeling of being empowered made me less of a target perhaps? Just a thought.
Don’t be scared to talk to your kids about bad people in the world – we need to equip them with strategies so we can help encourage them to go off on their own and find the beautiful people and experiences out there that are the norm.
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Like many other Australians, l have followed Daniel’s story for years and been deeply moved (and, at times, terrified), by it. What continues to amaze me is the strength of Daniel’s family and how the Australian community will now benefit from Daniel’s legacy. I have just finished reading a recent newspaper article about the legal withholding of serious, multi-offending paedophiles whose identities are being legally protected while they are released into the community. My son is 5 1/2 and l will now be introducing these 7 safety tips to him, and l think that Daniel will always be in my mind as l do so. A heartfelt thankyou to the Morecombes.
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These are the parents who should be parents of the year. Such courage to do what they have done – thankyou.
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And I forgot to add that I really feel for the Morcombes. They are living every parents worst nightmare.
It is truly inspirational what they are doing for us as a community for our children.
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I have taught my 4 and 6 year old to throw themselves on the floor, kick their legs and yell out the words ” STRANGER!!” if anyone were to grab them when we are out and about.
Most people these days do not respond to hearing someone yell out ‘help’ or they simply are too scared to get involved. So the words “help’ generally fall on deaf ears. The word ‘Stranger’ makes it obvious that the person is not known to the child.
By teaching children to throw themselves on the floor and kick their legs they are a lot harder to pick up and therefore harder to be taken away.
We practice this every now and then so they are familiar with what to do.
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I saw that on Dr Phil – teaching kids that if they feel threatened, rules go out the window – kick, scream, bite, throw things etc.
The family password is also a brilliant idea.
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Yes forget the sporting stars or celebrities who win national accolades, the Morecombes are exemplary parents who have inspired a whole nation. Such strength and dignity is amazing.
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Aren’t the Morecombe’s just the most amazing people. I hope everything they put their minds and hearts into will succeed tenfold!
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What an amazing couple. God knows how they have lived through this.
Daniels disappearance has always been in my mind due to the woman who saw him and thought he may be in danger but didn’t want to intrude and then left.
If only.
If only she’d called out to him. Took five minutes out of her day to go over and offer him a ride. She said he looked uncomfortable with a strange man hovering (or words to that effect).
Now whenever I”m out and see anything that even looks suspicious with children, I act on it. I recently saw a man in a car who seemed to be watching a couple of little boys play on the street so I went and asked them if they were ok and I called the police.
I couldn’t care less if I seem like a busy body etc. If I see a child alone anywhere I check on them to make sure they’re ok. I found a very young boy a few months ago who had lost his parents. We found them, they were hysterical with worry.
It doesn’t take much at all to be aware and, importantly, act on it. If you’re wrong so be it, no harm done. But it could make the world of difference.
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Good on you. We all need to act in the best interest of children. At least you’ll be able to sleep at night.
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I do not have kids at the moment, but one day hope to.
I feel so grateful and blessed that there are people like Bruce and Denise who have, in awful circumstances, thought of moving forward and have given our community and our children this wonderful gift of knowledge.
While I will always feel such sadness and will always wish that Daniel was never taken. I have so much love and respect for Bruce and Denise and one day hope to be half the parents they are.
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I think we need to also teach our kids about safety with people they know already. Abuse occurs most commonly in the family. This was rare. Feel sorry for them. They are strong
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This is _exactly_why children should have a ‘handful of adults’, ie 5, one for each finger on their little hand.
They can tell any one of these adults anything.
This makes them a bit safer from relative/family friend abusors.
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I am concerned that the focus on stranger danger alert will not only put fear literally ‘out there’, and distract from the abuse happening within ‘ordinary families’. It leaves the majority of child victims of sexual assault out of the picture so to speak and therefore unsupported by more healthy ‘ordinary’ families and community members who share in the grief of the victim of a stranger (and his family) but not that of a children sexually abused by mum dad or anyone else in the family.
I am moved and grateful that The Morcombe Foundation and media are doing so much to highlight the need for child safety. But what of the safety of children in their own homes with their own people or others close to the family? Not just poor dishevelled people one imagines to abuse children, but children of doctors, preachers, politicians, mechanics, etc.
Wouldn’t it be great if there were ads on the telly saying to children that sometimes ‘good’ adults aren’t always ‘good’… ‘even mum and dad’…No it wouldn’t be good but maybe it is necessary. How about much more of : ‘ Here is where YOU can get help if you cannot trust ANYBODY close to you.. with enough people to pick up the phone and talk and do what that child needs…’ (As many as 4,500 children phone ChildLine (UK) every day, though only 2,500 of these callers can be answered) and wouldn’t it be great if there were ads on the telly saying somethings along the line of “Sometimes parents do bad things, so here are some good people you might like to stay with…. We advertise for cars, what about ‘good enough’ families….’. Shocking? Yes… but maybe a step to help the kids in every classroom who will NOT tell… because this remains unspeakable even for the main part of the Morcombe Foundation. The effects of being abused by a family member are beyond comprehension to
most of us because few speak of it. It is SO UNCOMFORTABE… and yet this is what most sexual abuse is about and this is what most children who are sexually abused have to endure…
The stranger danger victims need support of course… all they need… but so do the ‘in family’ victims… arguably more support because they may not have a healthy mum or dad to support them. THe silence around this is deafening. To me it is the elephant under the house of the Morcombe Foundation.
As someone who was sexually abused in the family, I find it very isolating to know that we are a society which is still more ‘comfortable’ to give comfort and concern to children and adult survivors of ‘stranger abuse’ whilst giving only a fleeting glance in the direction of those abused by family members. I think public view of abuse is still unable to really see the pain and suffering of children in the hands of those who ‘care’ for them….because we don’t want to face, talk about or see media coverage of the FACT that ordinary (and often upstanding, well respected pillars) members of society are doing unspeakable things to their own children.We don’t shake our own security by challenging the ‘good’ face of any family… we’d rather look outside to the unknown, unfathomable, bad bad and bad… We can hate perpetrators we don’t know… that is comparitively simple… but what if it is Mr Jamieson who runs the local yaught club who got his daughter pregnant? He was a good bloke…. Well he can be a good bloke AND a bad bloke. He might be a great sailor and popular man… He might be loved by many, but he is unwell, must be stopped… given support if he will ever face his problem. His daughter can get help if what is going on is recognised, otherwise she got pregnant too young, father ran off, shame really… … Once uncovered and understood his wife could get support, his friends etc.. whoever is effected. Society can learn if this is uncovered… but the victims are not helped if kept in hiding and society remains as ignorant and unhelped and unhelpful as it currently is on this reality.
Children are having to endure some things in their homes that most adults do not even care to think about, let alone speak about or know how to deal with. And most adults would have no idea how to speak with children about these things… even if the children had had to live through them first hand.
When we are able to start grappling with the reality of abuse which children endure at home… we may find real solutions to the problem of children who grow up to abuse others and we can then really know what we are dealing with and as intelligent understanding adults we can begin to stop sexual abuse of any child by ANY perpetrators.
This cannot be left to the professionals who often do tireless work with little pay or recognition. No awards for social workers, doctors, nurses.
This is an everybody problem actually.
There are perpetrators in all walks of life, some in quite powerful positions and they will do all possible to keep perpetrators covered, save the occasional ‘stranger’.
This is problem is about all of us, whether we are survivors, perpetrators or just the ones who prefer to turn a blind eye… and this needs not a linchmob approach… it needs intelligent understanding of why people abuse children, how to find them, stop them and still see them as human beings…. They were children once… most likely abused. The person who took the life of Daniel was undoubtedly not raised in a healthy way by his own family.. left unnoticed and without enough love and support I daresay…Whatever happened and didn’t happen, he became very ugly and dangerous is my guess… and perhaps found friends who perhaps were no healthier…. Child abusers sometimes group together no? they can prowl together or alone. (often hiding behind nice family or professional facades because they NEED these facades… the more respectable the better quite often, then they more likely do remain hidden). If we can work out how to help the hidden child victims, by first admitting that they are still the hidden and left out majority (in terms of child victims of sexual abuse and in terms of community and societal/media awareness, education and understanding), we can begin to grapple with how on earth to face the endemic and very difficult to deal with reality of inside family abuse..
Stangers are not the biggest danger…
http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/pubs/briefing/b1.html
In 1998, a Victorian based phone-in prompted 347 victim/survivors to call and relate any experiences of sexual assault that had occurred regardless of age or when the incident(s) occurred. Almost two-thirds of women callers (198 of 304), and 86 per cent (37 of 43) of male callers disclosed having experienced child sexual assault. The survey also found that the highest risk of child sexual assault was posed by a parent, usually a father or stepfather, with whom the victim lived (D’Arcy 1999).
‘Ordinary’ family members are the biggest (at least most common) danger. How do we grapple with this? How do we cope with Nice Mr or Mrs so and so doing XY and Z to their children?
How can we begin to see the truth in probably every surburban block of streets in Australia? How on earth do we get them safe NOW? or how do we prepare to do so without becoming a lynchmob and as ugly as the perpetrators ourselves?
Adult survivors of abuse within families have many insights into how abuse happens, who perpetrators are and what perpetrators are like.…they usually grew up and lived day to day with this. The fact that they are silenced silences one of the richest sources about child sexual abuse. Adult survivors also have vital experience and often solutions which could help ordinary folk understand this problem which undermines individuals, families, communities and society as a whole. Adult survivors of family abuse often have no real family or support to help them. (they have usually left their family to survive) and so who supports THEM as children and adults when no one wants to see they exist? So there very valuable voices of truth go unheard. The perpetrators can give one huge sigh of relief!
Many survivors of abuse are unable to work due to the effects of child abuse.
If there is one thing we could do, it would be to educate the rest of us about what child abuse in the family is like, how it may be stopped, how the effects can be devastating and what help is needed. They know perpetrators as human beings ( not all but some)
My parents were not monsters. They were very good in many ways…. but no one wanted to see the bad they did… no one wanted to see the hurt they caused and help them or me because like Priests sexually abusing in the church 20+ years ago…. this could not be comprehended… could not exist.
How many tens of thousands of children have been abused by people in the church over hundreds of years? How many millions in families this year> because we want to keep good and bad separate?… stranger and familiar separate? well they can be both in the same person and in the same place!
Let’s stop kidding ourselves and by turning a blind eye to this.
Lets start asking some really intelligent questions:
How do we comprehend that a loving mother can also abuse? (any good psychologist could explain this well on freely available leaflets or on the telly given half a chance)
Why does a sometimes loving father abuse a child? (same as for an abusive mum)
How can we stop him doing this? (by locking him up or all watching out for him rather than locking him away.. I can only imagine the isolation underneath most perpetrators, but being included in society must be explored as part of stopping them… but only where they are absolutely not allowed to harm a child… The irony is they more than likely terribly alone as children in terms of safety and trust and once exposed… they could face the same again…They need to be stopped, but somehow included, trusted and given opportunity to trust (unless they are unable genuinely to stop or don’t want to stop) How can we give this family a chance to heal? (again by inclusion… they must not be isolated either..) How many families are really hiding sexual abuse within their homes? (millions around the world… most families must have in recent or past generations…. Do a ‘disfunctional family tree’ this may give a few indications about general child abuse.)
How many boys are abused by adult women? (this is really the LAST taboo and who knows… but we would be shocked to find out… utterly shocked… it would be hard to believe) and those boys are so so hidden and hurt.(one might ask why do men rape? women (hurt by female perpetrator/s? endured as a child?) men (male perpetrator/s endured as a child?) Why do women rape?
How many supports are there for children and families (as few as possible if the networked perpetrators have their way) Not enough. Catastrophic not enough in terms of health of any place.The healing cannot take place without it…then there will be more perpetrators!
How do we get perpetrators out of hiding? give them places of safety and trust!.. not prisons where they will be persecuted… How do we give them a chance to get help? ( same as last, with real inclusion into society if they want it and if children can be kept safe)How do we stop them abusing?
My mother would have stopped if she’d have known how to get help to face her shame and fear. She is dead now, but she had no where to go for help.
Some perpetrators are not all awful, but have done wrong and deeply hurt a child or children and need help…. and their children get help when this happens. Yes some abusers are very rotten and not to be trusted or allowed to ever again harm a child fullstop. Prison I guess at this stage is the place.
Perpetrators within families are needing protection and we are giving it to them.. They need protection from their fall from grace (and persecution/punishment rather than help/understanding) and society needs protection from the truth of all the ‘nice’ perpetrators amongst us. Society would take a severe knock to say the least (a la several church faiths’ exposure in the last decade) if we really addressed the wrongs and made them healthier… a lot of blame/shame would need to be faced by perps and a lot of rage/fear/misunderstandings would need to be worked through rather than acted out by the rest of us.
Can anyone out there see what I am saying?
I am SO ISOLATED by the focus on stranger danger….. not that this is in any way to deny the pain of the Morcombes or Daniel’s or anyone else abuse dand or killed by a stranger…. I’m just trying to shed light on another perspective/location of sexual abuse which is more likely to happen but less likely to get informed and helpful (rather than sensationalist) media attention…. and worst still… it leaves our communities uneducated about the real biggest threat to children and that is WITHIN the family and for those who perpetrate crime against children, within the person!
Let’s get our heads out of the sand and start being real adults helping ALL children!.. ALL families..from ALL PERPETRATORS. All this hiding only hurts more children and hurts more of our communities with the drug and other addictions; the failure to thrive to potential to contribute to society; the psychiatric problems; the physical health problems and so much more which often results from being abused as a child.
Do we really want a healthier society? Do we want less addiction? less mental illness? less unhealthiness in otherways? If so… we’d better face up to the real problems underneath why someone hurt and took the beautiful life of Daniel Morcombe, rather us continuing to run away in fear from the fundamental reasons why adults, strangers or not do unspeakable things to children.
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http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/pubs/briefing/b1.html
In 1998, a Victorian based phone-in prompted 347 victim/survivors to call and relate any experiences of sexual assault that had occurred regardless of age or when the incident(s) occurred. Almost two-thirds of women callers (198 of 304), and 86 per cent (37 of 43) of male callers disclosed having experienced child sexual assault. The survey also found that the highest risk of child sexual assault was posed by a parent, usually a father or stepfather, with whom the victim lived (D’Arcy 1999).
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I would add to point 7 that kids should yell ‘help! I don’t know this person’, otherwise how do passers-by know that the kid isn’t just throwing a tantrum. I thought of this whilst watching a man carry a screaming kid out of a shopping centre.
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That’s an excellent point!
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That is an excellent point, Julie.
Many years ago I read a letter to the editor of a Melbourne newspaper which was written by a man with a young son. He told a story of how he went to the MCG to watch a football game with his family, however his son (4 or 5 years old I think…) was behaving quite badly that day so he decided to take him out of the game and into the carpark until he settled down.
As he was walking him out of the MCG – his son started up such a stink that he had to carry him. He recalled how his son screamed and kicked and cried at the top of his lungs, and he struggled and fought with him all the way to the carpark. He then went on to say that as he neared the carpark, one woman approached him and asked him straight out – “Are you supposed to be with this child?”. He said how he was taken aback by this question, but when he replied that the screaming boy was his son, she then asked the little boy if he was with his daddy, and then she followed him to his car and jotted down his number plate.
It wasn’t until later once his son and had calmed down and they went back into the MCG that he realised what a wonderful thing that woman had done. He stated in the letter that while most people just stared at him and let him walk by, this woman was prepared to make sure that his son was safe. He also said that while he knows most people would cop a mouthful of abuse from a stressed parent – that one question might be enough to scare a would-be abductor into dropping the child and running away. Being confronted might just be enough. He then thanked the woman for her courage in saying something to him, and then implored more people to do the same if they see a situation that isn’t quite right. He said that his son was being so loud and fought so hard that he could see him reacting the same way to a stranger. He also asked parents not to be offended if the same question was ever asked of them in a public place with a difficult child. Because one day, it might not be you dragging them away.
I never forgot that letter. I was a teenager at the time, and now I am grown with two young children of my own. I applaud the Morcombes – for their strength and dignity in a horrific and devastating situation. For taking their own tragedy and using it to try and help others. Let’s keep our children safe.
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My nephew got the safety talk at school a few months ago, and ever since then when he throws a tantrum in public he screams that these aren’t his parents, he doesn’t know them, help, help. Apparently a lot of kids do this.
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I would suggest that the parents of a child that does this carry a recent photo of the child in their purse/wallet so they can show it to anyone who questions the situation.
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I come from the Sunshine Coast and still remember the day that Daniel disappeared and the uncertainty and fear of that time. I still get a shudder every time I go by that overpass.
My heart goes out to the Morcombe family and I applaud them for having always been incredibly strong and just downright decent folk. No one should ever have to go through what they have faced.
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My son heard about Daniel at his school visit from “Kenny Koala”. He came home with the message about how to know when something isn’t right (hair on your neck itchy, tummy hurting etc). He told me all about Daniel and why it is so important for he and his brothers to watch put for each other. He’s 7. Bruce and Denise – it breaks my heart that my sons potential safety has come at the cost of the loss of your son. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the efforts you have made to ensure Daniel’s legacy is a 2nd chance for our children.
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I admire the Morcombes more than I can say for using their own tragedy to remind others of these very important things to tell our kids!
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6. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Trust the butterflies in your stomach – they could be a sign something’s not right.
7. It’s okay to run and scream if you feel threatened. Safety is more important than good manners.
Are so vitally important. So is understanding that it’s not all stranger-danger, 90% of children who are abused are done so by someone the family knows.
I’m also really concerned about Siriyakorn ‘Bung’ Siriboon. It seems like this missing 13 year old is not getting anywhere near the attention that Daniel got in the days, weeks, and months after his disappearance. Why???
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011…/siriyakorn-bung-siriboon…/3598650
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I’ve been wondering the same thing. Maybe it’s a case of “white woman syndrome” – caucasian victims of crime are seemingly more likely to receive media attention. It’s terribly sad, her disappearance is no less tragic than Daniels…but you’re 100% right, she and her family are receiving nowhere near the attention the Morcombes had. So sad
I pray that her family gets an answer soon, one way or another.
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What an utter load of crap the only race discriminated against these days is caucasian!!!
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Bung’s getting quite a bit of attention here in Melbourne.
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It’s because of the other things she was doing that for the families sake they want to keep out of the media. She is getting attention, i live by her school, but they are mostly looking for her in brothels etc because of the websites she had up and the explicit pictures she had posted of herself and what she seemed to be looking for online. This girls situation is.. completly different from Daniels
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She’s 13 years old, for pity’s sake – could we maybe please avoid phrases like “what she seemed to be looking for online”.
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My son is wearing a red t-shirt to school today. He is 5 and he knows he is wearing it for Daniel, who Daniel is and that the message is to be aware of strangers. The Morecombe’s hard work is definitely paying off.
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How have I not heard about the Day for Daniel until now?? Why isn’t my child’s school participating?? Thank you so much to the Morcombe family – they are simply amazing. If this advice saves one child, the value of their work will be immeasurable.
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I’m wondering if it’s mainly a Queensland event.
It is only from reading this post, that I understand the picture my niece in Qld posted of her children on Facebook “wearing red for Daniel”.
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Yes it’s a great idea and should go national.
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Sadly I don’t kids and can’t, however I do work with them and offer the same advice. Especially since the kids I work with have been abused.
When I was studying one of my teachers told us that if her daughter felt unsafe she’d ring mum and say “Has Uncle David arrived yet?”. That was the key phrase for get me out of here, and she was still able to not look like she was calling mum for a rescue, “Uncle David” was from overseas and was a good excuse to the friends.
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Excellent tips – we will be sitting down with our 6 year old son to talk about all of these things. Thank you Morcombe Family.
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Such an important post Kate. Although I have probably said some of this to my kids, I’ll get them to read this when they get home from school. There’s nothing like the clarity of someone else’s words. Especially about the running and screaming – it’s that childlike fear of doing the wrong thing that I worry about most.
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Wow. If anything I thought the Morecombes had been assisting the media with their stranger-danger-ratings-news-items to the point I was sick of hearing about them and mentally switched off every time I heard their name, so to find out that they’re doing someting so positive and sensible is great.
Point 5 is probably an overreaction (don’t tell anyone the name of your school? Or what you like to do?) but 6 is spot on.
I always tell my kid that if you feel uncomfortable, speak to the nearest adult who isn’t making you uncomfortable.
I also tell her to talk to strangers as often as possible. Community protects kids.
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An Idle Dad unfortunately point 5 is an important and hard to teach point. Cyber safety researchers have found that the more information children share online the easier it is for someone to find you. I teach primary school children and the majority of the kids have their own Facebook account where they do not know all of their friends. Some students have put their school and after school sports commitments on their page meaning that anyone can find our school and that child easily. In fact Brisbane police arrested a suspect who had found his intended victim through posts made on the students non secure Facebook page.
While I agree we don’t want to raise children to be scared of every stranger we need to show them how to be safe online and in life.
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Online grooming is super, super rare.
http://www.smh.com.au/news/opinion/ministrys-web-of-deception-needs-a-virtual-reality-check/2007/09/14/1189276986747.html?page=fullpage
If the rule was ‘never meet an online friend IRL for the first time by yourself’ I could go with that. Online is just another avenue of meeting people. I’ve met lots of people I only met through Twitter in real life, several of them have even been to my house. I have no issues with it.
If you followed the rule as stated “Don’t share information about yourself, like your hobbies or the name of your school with people you don’t know, online or in real life” you’d never meet anyone, or be able to talk to anyone, ever.
I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, I’m saying the rule could be stated better.
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I agree with everything you have said here. I still think we need to teach kids to think before they post and definately never meet some you have met online in real person alone. I think people need to be made aware of which details you share that help you be identified. There is a difference from saying ” I play basketball” and my team the Tigers have a game tonight on the school basketball courts. Parents need to have these discussions with their children. I hope that is what point 5 brings across.
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Mate, you’re 40 something, these kids are 10!! Of course you can meet up with someone you’ve “met” online, safely. Kids with too much info online are sitting ducks. Post responsibly, please. RIP Daniel and thank you, Bruce and Denise for all your tireless work.
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Sitting ducks? What bullshit. Stranger danger is minuscule to perpetrators within the family.
Post responsible, please.
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I agree. A lot of my friends made their friends predominantly online in communities where they discuss their hobbies (Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings for example have huge online communities and I’ve met several of my friends this way) and for a lot of kids who have specific interests such as sci fi or an alternative music scene, Internet communities offer an important social outlet where they can meet like minded friends. I’ve heard many good news stories (I’m friends with a couple married 8 years after meeting on a star wars forum, and have seen countless friendships grown from a common interest in Harry Potter, LotR, Star Trek etc). If you use the other common sense tools and teach your kids how to develop a bullshit detector in person and online, they will be able to tell the difference between a person harassing them and a fellow fan.
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And I forgot to add to also teach them what us and isn’t appropriate to reveal. I don’t mention my employer online, for example, and for kids that would be their school, or their street address or last name, or bank details. Encourage them to develop an online handle to use when signing up for things, so that they can interact in online communities using that name.
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The benefits of online communities to gay teens and stay at home parents (to name just two commonly isolated groups) is massive.
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That’s true (witness!!) but I would not write where I live, or specifically going, to people I only know through an online community.
While I _assume_ everyone is as nice as me, I know that in fact some people are psycho weirdo freaks. (Only some.)
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I drove past the see of red-shirted people on the Walk for Daniel at Palmwoods this morning – it brought tears to my eyes: for the loss of Daniel and pride in a community that has taken these steps to keep everyone safe.
Well done!
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These tips are really good, solid, practical advice. I’m going to talk about them with my kids this weekend. Thank you.
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My teenage kids go to the school where Daniel went. Today they are all wearing red and tonight the Morcombes are coming to the school’s annual awards night to present an inaugural award in Daniel’s honour. I have already stuffed my bag with tissues.
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Looks like you just outed your kids’ location, i.e.
5. Don’t share information about yourself, like your hobbies or the name of your school with people you don’t know, online or in real life.
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I have tears in my eyes reading this. What remarkable people. How wonderful of them to turn such a terrible event into a mission to make communities and children everywhere safer. And to call you in person, Kate – their generosity of spirit is inspirational.
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Great article Kate. Thank you for putting it together. I will definitely share it. And I will also use it to guide conversations with my kids. My beautiful boy is so open with people, and I don’t want him to lose that, but I do need to get these messages across. The tone here is something I will seek to emulate.
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I heartily agree with points 6 and 7: Trust your gut and; Safety is more important than good manners. Hear hear.
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Their community service is remarkable. Morcombes for Australians of the Year!
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I think what the Morecombes are doing to honour their son is wonderful. Just wanted to add that in almost all cases where children are abused it’s by someone they already know like a family member/relative, a coach/teacher, neighbour.. So make sure you talk to your children about that as well, because it can be a much more difficult and conflicting situation for the child to be in.
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I feel Daniel has become part of all our families, as parents we feel a connection to him, he could have been our boy. We all followed the story from day one and lived in hope and heartache and we never forgot him. Of course it was such a tragic outcome but I just feel total humilty when I see Bruce and Denise out there delivering their positive message. Everyday people can achieve extraordinary things and I take my hat off to them.
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I live on the Sunshine Coast, the first days of Daniel’s disappearance and the media coverage are days I will never forget. My heart breaks for the Morecombe family, and the haunted look in Denise Morecambe’s eyes is just shattering. Such good ideas for child safety thankyou.
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