“Please take the phone out of the fridge.” This is what I found myself saying, quite calmly in light of how I was feeling, when I heard the phone ringing through the door of the fridge the other day.
It’s not something one says every day. Unless of course you live with a smallish person who thinks the beauty of turning 11 is the practical joke in everything. I did find the salad dressing next to the shampoo the other day and I very nearly gave my hair an olive oil treatment without even knowing it. Yes, I baulked when I heard myself saying “who put the salad dressing in the shower?”
Nathan Ripperger, a dad from Iowa, found inspiration from his own parenting and has eternalised the things he never thought he’d say into a series of posters. Hysterically true. Every one of them:
Nathan Ripperger documents the crazy things he has said to his kids
Ever since my son came along I have found myself saying a lot of things that to the casual bystander would sound very… well, very odd. It’s a well known truism that the things that come out of kids’ mouths are priceless. In innocence and hilarity. However, what about the things adults say to kids? Or even to their colleagues, friends or partners?
There are the familiar old lines like “Please don’t eat your shirt” and “your dinner knife is not a piece of ninja equipment and swiveling it like that is dangerous AND STUPID”. Plus of course the line that I think every parent has cried pleadingly every meal time since the invention of the serviette: “your shirt is not a serviette.”
Or the time I heard myself saying to my son: “If you shoot one more person you are going straight to your room.” It was a Lego gun. I promise.
And I am not even going to tell you how often I have found myself saying: “I am not listening to another word until you have clothes on.” To both my husband and my son…
Image source: Etsy.com
What are some of the things that you never thought you’d say?
Comments
182 Comments so far
Why is the bathroom covered in polystyrene balls & is that doll wearing my good moisturiser?
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Lol
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‘Please don’t play with your brother’s doodle!’ (they were one and three at the time)
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My brother is 10, and he’s recently taken up spiking his hair. I did it for him the other day and he complained that he looked ‘emo’. Our little 4 year old cousin was in the room and said “its okay, you don’t look emo”. I asked him if he knew what emo meant, he replied with “is he nemo’s brother?”
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They should make a sequel about Emo..:)
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Get.Your.Hands.Out.Of.Your.Pants.
He is a boy RR, not a freak show (at the endless touching, questioning of her brother in the bath)
Stop talking about who will die first. Stop talking about dying altogether, I haven’t had a coffee yet.
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I love all of these! Haven’t had such a good laugh in forever.
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Do I hear my good scissors being used?
(I can’t believe I actually said that..)
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LOL! My mum says that too!
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“not with the good scissors!”
Everyone who grew up with a mother who sews smiles in recognition…
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My good scissors!!! Bahahahaha!
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Tony Martin on the Late Show…classic.
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The real question is are the rest of the scissors evil or just bad? Ours are after all black.
I have inherited 3 children who are struggling with the concept of ‘never, ever use Jayne’s scissors’(costume maker) when there is a whole jar of them in her sewing room & we can’t find any of the black ones. For goodness sake there is a crappy pair of scissors for each child & my husband, but no one can ever find them.
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To Mr 4: no, no girl has a penis. If you meet a girl who has a penis, it is not really a girl.
At least when he is older he can’t say I never told him this!!
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True dat.
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No the yogurt goes in your mouth, not on the windows.
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I’m a teacher & I was talking with my year 1 class about rules we have at home. It was such a funny discussion but my favourite was, “No chickens on the trampoline”.
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Why was your pet rat in a sock?
Apparently he enjoyed being swung in it until it was swung a tad too hard.
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Oh goodness that made me laugh out loud.. Poor rat x
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I don’t have kids, but I’m a Primary School PE Teacher.
I have a little chuckle to myself when we are using equipment eg bats, balls and I blow the whistle and call out ‘Hold your Balls’
Oh, the funny side is missed by them all!!
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“If you MUST pick your nose, go and do it in your bedroom where I can’t see it!”
“Stop sucking Bunny’s bottom and clean up your room!”
We also do the “Stop licking the window/my arm/the dog/your sister” thing
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My then 3 year old boy used to tell all the daycare ladies “I’ve got a big penis, you know. And when I play with it it gets EVEN bigger.” They thought it was hilarious
At the age of 4 “My girlfriend Ariel (also 4) has a ‘gina (vagina) you know. But I’m not allowed to touch her ‘gina, because that’s private. But I’m allowed to touch my penis. But only in my room by myself.”
Also aged 4…. “Mum, if I bump you and that cuppa spills everywhere all over you…. you’ll probably say FUCK won’t you?”
Aged 4 1/2… “Mum, you’ve got be really quiet. I’m listening to my muscles.”
Just to name a few lol. My little guy cracks me up on a daily basis.
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Oh wait, that’s things he’s said to me….. mummy is very tired :S
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Very Amusing!!
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No, the guests do not want to see your chocolate star fish! To my nearly 10 yo.
Stop shooting the cat!
And many more oy vey
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“Bring your nuts to mummy before you go down the slide!”
“please don’t put your apple on your penis”
Just two from today…..
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So many….
Recent ones include:
“STOP SHOOTING YOUR SISTER!”
“There will be no spitting in this house”
“Please don’t fart on me again”
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hahaha I don’t have kids myself but overheard a father talking to his 5 year old daughter the other day…’Daddy? what do you find more interesting?…a snake or a taxi driver?’..lol what? The dad didn’t even blink.
And my 7 year old cousin when I asked where her parents were ‘they’re at tim & anne’s house..they are sleeping together but not married.”
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“Stop licking the chair/table/floor etc etc “….
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I have no kids, but said to me as a child
“Don’t stick tic tacs up your nose” I never did again!
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” I’ve bought them each 200 rounds of amo, when thats runs out I’m not buying anymore”…in reference to my 15 year olds paintball party.
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Thanks for sharing these posters with us. Hilarious! More so, because I’ve said some of those things to my small people!
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“Don’t lick the cat!” Not said to a toddler, but a teenager.
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I got an odd look in a shopping centre once when I was saying to a friend ‘I’ve got 20 kids’ … in regards to how big my class was that year at school.
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Something my eldest daughter used to ask friends and random people in the street: “have you got four-ginas?”
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Pronounced jynars I may add.
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“The CAT!! don’t put the cat in the fridge !!”
“Stop telling people they came out of their mommy’s vagina, they already know ”
“socks-shoes, socks-shoes, hurry!!”
“let go of my nipple it hurts!!”
“We pee in the potty, not in the bed. ok? you’re sure you got this? potty: pee, bed: sleep . ok? ok goodnight .”
“DON’T LICK THE POWER OUTLETS !!!!!”
“don’t stick forks in the power outlets , either ….dude….”
“no, “sexy” isn’t a bad word, but it’s an adult word, you’ll be allowed to use it when you’re an adult . It doesn’t mean “cute”. ”
” don’t tell bullies you’re gay and they will never be as gay as you . No it doesn’t mean “stylish “. ”
So many more …..
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You have me in tears…
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this is the funniest thing i’ve ever read. hahahahah
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As I was reading this, I had to say to my 8 year old son – “stop licking the window”, followed by “don’t wipe it off with your tie”……
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‘Mia! Stop licking the bottom of our guest’s feet!’ (my niece likes to pretend she is a dog called Shadow Mia)
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‘you cant smack me, because bum’s smell, and if you smack me your hand will smell too’ – my 3 yr old nephew.
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This is gold. Please please add more comments, people – I don’t have kids to laugh at and this has been highly amusing.
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We actually started an FB group dedicated to this. https://www.facebook.com/groups/343013449042017/
We had had to say, “don’t cut your penis!” on multiple occasions.
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“Do you need to do a wee?” “Then stop touching your penis”
Repeat x100 per day
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^^^this but replace “penis” with “vagina”!
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I have no kids, but the little girl next door to my boyfriends uncle always touches her vagina! My mother in law has been known to say “Stop playing with your floss!” It cracked my boyfriend and I up. Now we call it a floss
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YES! oddsocks that’s exactly my life. His response?
“I can’t help it, it’s a ‘HABIT’” as if that excuses all.
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Please stop spinning that cd on your penis to my five year old while i was watering the garden he thought he would entertain me through the window. Thank god the neighbour was not over for a chat!
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(At playgroup) Jordon – did you do wees in the home corner?
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i dont have kids but that is sooo funny! loved it!
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“Rachel! Bring that gun back here now!”
Setting – our rented cabin at the coast with the door wide open to catch the ocean breeze. We were playing Cluedo with the kids and the youngest grabbed the plastic revolver and ran across the room. As I yelled at her I looked up to see a young family walking past our front door….they started walking a bit quicker after that.
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I have just stopped laughing loudly and uncontrollably in a very quiet, open plan office.
Thanks for the laughs folks, some of these comments are absolute gold.
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“No mate, we don’t do that with watermelons.” drew a slightly alarmed look from a young man who overheard me telling my son off in the fruit section of the supermarket the other day.
“How did you accidentally get that bit of paper so far up your nose?” was said by me to my much younger sister on the way to the ED.
“Mum the car keys you’re looking for are in your hand” my daughter said to me the other day in the music store (IT’S CONTAGIOUS!!!!)
“It’s an angle grinder, not an ankle grinder” I said to my husband on the way to the ED (men definitely count as children on occasions such as this)
“Your fingers don’t go in there” I said to my son on the way to the ED (are we sensing a theme yet?!)
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“Did you just kiss the monkey?” was what I said when I saw my 5 year old daughter slowly moving away from an Optus advertisement (the one with the orang-utan – yes, I know it’s not a monkey!)
Also, I have heard a girlfriend say “It’s not a pocket, get your hands out of there!” when her daughter has been caught with her hands down her pants.
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Don’t lick the shop window.
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“you’re gonna poke your eye out if you push that finger any further up your nose”.
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Great post!! Really enjoying it. God it’s good to laugh on a cold, grey day. xx
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This is a list of bizarre acts I compiled a couple of years ago.
The activities listed below are not all things my kids have done, but a lot of them are, and those that aren’t have been done by the kids of close friends or have been witnessed by me. This makes me feel certain that by the time you’ve read this, at least 200 more outrageous and unexpected acts will have been performed by small children around Australia.
• 7:03am is not a good time to open the fridge and take out a Tim Tam and eat it. No matter how old you are or how hungry you are.
• You may not stand on the edge of the back deck and attempt to urinate on your sister who is down in the garden below you.
• Before going down the slide at the park you should take off your new roller skates.
• Please don’t get dressed in your school uniform (tights and all) and then climb a tree.
• Standing on the edge of the (full) bath and jumping is not a great way to get the flannel off the towel rail.
• The best place to leave a half eaten tuna nori roll is not wedged in the tiny space between two car seats.
• Please don’t place your hands tightly around your baby sister’s neck, even if she is being really annoying.
• Running out of the school gate and out onto the road towards your Mum’s moving car at school drop off time is not a good idea, even if you have forgotten your lunch order.
• When you spill milk on the floor, being discovered skating in it is not going to endear you any further to your mother when she comes downstairs.
• Don’t poo on the ottoman.
• Don’t put your sister’s Easter Eggs in a circle on the floor and jump on them one by one, even if she did just call you a rude name.
This list is not exhaustive, but I am exhausted.
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I’d have to disagree Bec. 7:03am is the PERFECT time to take a Tim Tam out of the fridge and eat it!
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Thank you for this – my two and a half year old and I are having ‘one of those days’ and a little laugh out loud therapy is just what I needed.
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Oh Cranky Pants I am feeling your pain it must be the day for 2 year olds – after I (honest to God not makng it up) said to Mr 4 this morning to take the toilet seat off his head then told Mr 2 not to spray the spray n wipe all over the floor then told them both they are not ninjas so put down the wooden swords (extracted from the kindling pile) – then Mr 2 erupted at the swimming centre in a fit of tantrum at the end of swimming time. Luckily no-one was in the change rooms to hear me yelling “boys stop smacking each others butts and get dressed”
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I think I’ve actually said that at swimming… thank goodness I’m not the only one!
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I am laughing so hard right now I can’t even think of the crazies I say to Master 2. Thank you MM for such a funny article
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Would “I can’t get into the pram because my penis is too big” qualify for a poster?? I was told this last week at Target Highpoint. Book department. LOUDLY. TWICE. (second time with more emphasis: “I told you. I can’t fit in the pram. My penis is too big”)
He is 2 years old, where does this come from??!!
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Bahaha! Your kid is awesome!
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I just can’t stop laughing – that is priceless! Definitely one to remember for the 21st speech!
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I have a 5 year old who told me his penis was too big for his underpants. Daddy stood there nodding his head saying very seriously “yes mate, I have the same problem….”
I had to hide my face….
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha – that is awesome.
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Love love love it!
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This is the funniest thing I’ve heard in 2012 to date. I have tears streaming down my face!!!
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glad to have spread so much love on this one!
kinda makes up for the fractured dignity as I wheeled the pram at speed out of there!!
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Oh. My. God. GOLD!!!!!
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How many times have I told you, the cat does not need her teeth cleaned with mummy’s toothbrush… NB – it is always my toothbrush….
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Haha love this! I have many, some that come to mind are:
“Please stop playing with your willy and eat your breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack etc”
“Yes that is your brother’s willy, no don’t poke it, that might hurt”
“No we don’t ever eat food out of the bin”
“Stop sitting on your brother’s head”
“Don’t you dare wipe those hands on your shirt”
“If you say the word poo one more time, you can go straight to bed”!
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LOL at the “poo” one. I am so sick of saying “stop using toilet words!” to my two girls. I am tired of hearing poo and wee four hundred times a day!
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My 3 year old’s favourite at the moment is “Mummy, you’re such a bum bum poo poo wee wee head” – said with the cheekiest grin ever!
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Haha! I just used the “stop sitting on your brother’s head” one last night. Except it was prefaced by saying “Your brother is not a bridge” to the one whose head was sat on lol
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Most recently:
- A skip is not a toy / Get out of the skip
- Stop growling
- Justin Bieber is banned (now replaced by One Direction)
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I often ask my children “what did your last servant die of?”
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Are you my mother? Except she said ‘slave’.
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My husband says that to me. I respond with “Multiple orgasms”.
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My comeback used to be ‘not doing what I told it’ but that was when I was a cheeky teenager…
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My response to “what did your last slave die of” is always “overwork”
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My late grandmother used the incredibly racist version of this: What did your last black fella die of?
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Mum: What did your last slave die of?
Me: Your face.
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Abi, your sister is not a pony so stop riding her!
Girls, stop licking each others’ tongues!
Knives are not for playing with!
Penny, stop looking up your sisters bottom!
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OMG, i thought my kids were the only ones!
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Hahaha – I walked into the bathroom last week to find my 5 year old had her 3 year old sister lying on her belly in the bath and had carefully manouvered their 3 little mermaids into her bum crack so they were all standing upright. They both thought it was hysterical.
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“No, I am not going to get a knife and sacrifice you” to my 7yo, who set up the bar stools and lay down across them as his ‘sacrificial chamber’.
Just a little worrying.
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