“Please take the phone out of the fridge.” This is what I found myself saying, quite calmly in light of how I was feeling, when I heard the phone ringing through the door of the fridge the other day.
It’s not something one says every day. Unless of course you live with a smallish person who thinks the beauty of turning 11 is the practical joke in everything. I did find the salad dressing next to the shampoo the other day and I very nearly gave my hair an olive oil treatment without even knowing it. Yes, I baulked when I heard myself saying “who put the salad dressing in the shower?”
Nathan Ripperger, a dad from Iowa, found inspiration from his own parenting and has eternalised the things he never thought he’d say into a series of posters. Hysterically true. Every one of them:
Nathan Ripperger documents the crazy things he has said to his kids
Ever since my son came along I have found myself saying a lot of things that to the casual bystander would sound very… well, very odd. It’s a well known truism that the things that come out of kids’ mouths are priceless. In innocence and hilarity. However, what about the things adults say to kids? Or even to their colleagues, friends or partners?
There are the familiar old lines like “Please don’t eat your shirt” and “your dinner knife is not a piece of ninja equipment and swiveling it like that is dangerous AND STUPID”. Plus of course the line that I think every parent has cried pleadingly every meal time since the invention of the serviette: “your shirt is not a serviette.”
Or the time I heard myself saying to my son: “If you shoot one more person you are going straight to your room.” It was a Lego gun. I promise.
And I am not even going to tell you how often I have found myself saying: “I am not listening to another word until you have clothes on.” To both my husband and my son…
Image source: Etsy.com
What are some of the things that you never thought you’d say?
Comments
182 Comments so far
Or how about,’MY shirt is not your serviette either!’
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As a teacher of 5 year olds I have found myself saying many funny things to my class… but one of the classics was after a discussion which included; body waste, germs and hygiene. I was ending a class discussion/lesson with the sentence ‘…and that is why we do not eat our boogas’, just as a teacher was walking into my class. She had to walk straight out as she was holding back a laugh and could see it was a very serious discussion.
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Sorry, what’s the first half of that sentence?
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I answered the door at my mother’s house one day when my daughter was four and was doing my best to get rid of a real estate agent that wanted to sell my mother’s (not for sale) house when I heard my mother shrieking “Quick, Quick, get the Rosary beads off the cat” The cat looked kind of cool running & hiding with some trendy multi-coloured plastic beads worn in a chic over the back of the neck & under one leg style.
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Said to Mr 5 and Mr 2 over the past few weeks (have many many more)
“Get your finger out of our bum”
“Don’t put your finger up your brother’s bum”
“Don’t put things in your willy, dirt can get stuck and your willy will fall off ” (said in desperation last night after various plastic animals and then the squirter of a bottle filled with water was inserted and water filled his foreskin)
Said by Mr 5 in the bath to Mr 2
Loudly “Don’t touch my willy, willys are private”
Very softly “Keep touching it”
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At a Christmas day mass … Put baby Jesus down and (too late) don’t rip his arm off!
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Does this include those times you virtually feel you just heard your mother’s words come out your own mouth?
My mum’s a teacher. So as a TA on playground duty… “I don’t care if you’re allowed to do that at home, we don’t do it here!” I used to think such relative rules – different rules in different places / with different carers – was thoroughly unworkable. Now I know kids get it usually, and it’s the only way to bring kids from 25-30 different families together in one classroom and maintain a semblance of order!
I’m sure there are countless examples from my own parenting, but I’m probably too close to it to notice them all. The other interesting thing is when I say something that echoes my mother-in-law! Usually leads to a ‘look’ from my husband! *grin*
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Please don’t wee on your brother!
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To my 2 yo son: Leave it alone. Your penis is NOT a magic wand.
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Today’s one was: (shout it)
“Right! Who bit Princess Leia’s head off?”
Yesterday’s was: (say it with a sigh)
“Honey, please don’t lick the toaster.”
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My best one is (and my friend wants to put this on a tshirt):
“Your vagina is not a pocket”
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If you’re friend ever makes this t shirt let me know. I’ll buy one!
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OH MY!!! These are ALL things I say!
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Miss 4 shouting from the bathroom one evening:
“Help! the toothpaste got in my ear!”
Still not sure how she managed that.
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my 3.5 y/o boy was chasing the neighbours cat,then I told him don’t chase the poor cat otherwise she will become lame and have to walk with a scratch,can’t even imagine a cat walking with scratches LOL .
Other one is my mum told my sister when she was on her teens and taking longest bath/shower “do you need a pillow just in case if you fall asleep in the bathroom?”
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I have to stop reading this post at my desk… my colleagues are looking at me weirdly.
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Pingback: Crazy Things We Say To Our Kids | Awkward
I am pregnant with number 3.
(4 year old): Can we call the baby Sophie?
(me): No, that is your name.. we need to think of a different name
(4 year old): What about Grace?
(me): No, that was your sisters name
(I say was because she passed away)
(4 year old): What about Tom?
(me): No that’s your daddy’s name. You have to think of a different name that is not already in the family
(4 year old): Oh okay, What about Sophie N because I am Sophie P?!
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Mummy, it is chocolate poo!
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Abi, you are NOT a dog so stop pooing on the grass! (said to my then 2 1/2 year old when visiting my parents after she watched the german shepherd do it!)
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lol!
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*don’t let the dog drink your wee (said to child doing a wee in the garden)
* take your undies off dave’s plate. (said to child who undressed at the table when we had people over!!)
TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!
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‘put those knives down!’ said today to my 2y.o.
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No, we dont “kill” in this house / Stop killing your sister right now (HP)
No wands on the dinner table. (HP)
Do not run with that wand.. (HP)
Put that wand away now (HP)
or the many abstract conversations arguing the merits of the cruciatas curse against avada kedavra
and this is with 2 girls…..
HP has a lot to answer for……
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Oh my!!! Are you sure you’re not living in my home?? Master 8 has been teaching Master 2 Harry Potter spells which means each afternoon is started with a duel. The wands can be absolutely anything within reach and somehow Mummy always seems to be the one “avada cadaved”…..
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Or my home!! I have a 9, 5 and 3 year old who are all obsessed with HP!! I told my son’s kindy teacher this at the beginning of last year, and a day or 2 later she said ‘He knows all of the spells!!’.
No Wiggles or Hi 5 for my 3 year old his favourite thing to watch is “Dobby jumping on Harry Potters bed!”
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FINN!!! STOP LICKING THE CAR!!!
I still laugh
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Do not put that tin of pineapple in the toilet
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I have tears running down my face reading these comments.
Two from my home this morning: “Please take that stingray out of your mouth” and “Please don’t put the shark in your breakfast”
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Over the last week I’ve realised that Master 12 is probably due to be faced with some pretty critical moments in the next year or so and I’ve developed a complex about not having prepared him (single mum yada yada). Found myself saying things like:
Has anyone ever talked to you about tongue kissing?
Soooo…any more Gordon’s popped up recently? (See below for what a Gordon is)
You now it’s ok to um…explore your body. But you should do it in your room. His reponse? Can I have a Zoo magazine then? Um no you can use your imagination.
(When he turned 10- note I am a lawyer) Right, you’re 10 now, which means you are criminally responble for your behaviour.
Things he has said to me:
(Whilst making cupcakes) Where’s the whipper snipper?
(While out to dinner and me wondering aloud out what that delicious red wine was called) I think it was a carbonara.
(Last year after having a shower) I have a gordon (a name for pubic hair apparently)
On a slightly more distant tangent, things I have had to do that I didn’t expect pre-motherhood:
Defensivle ‘catch’ puke in a video shop- I caught it in my handbag and unfortunately, on my shoes
Insert an enema:( Not happy times for either of us
Learn how boys pee standing up so I could teach him how to pee standing up
It’s illegal to smack and I’m calling welfare if you do
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One night, LittleDude was in and out of bed about 40-bajillion times. I had explained to him that if he stays in bed I am happy, but when he gets out it makes me very cranky – therefore it’s really his own fault that I was in a bad mood. Eventually, I was sitting on his bed giving him a lecture while he cried, when out of my mouth came “You are the architect of your own misfortune”. I think that may have been too much for a 2yo to comprehend…
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LOL ,can’t stop laughing
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As Detachableprincess’ mother, she learned from an early age the delights of a quick riposte. At the end of my tether when she was 9, I actually screamed “get into the f–king bath.” Apolgising for my very poor choice of words later when we were both calmer, she responded with “Yes, mum, bath is a naughty word”.
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*waves*
Hi, Mum!
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I’m going to use that line at school tomorrow. Thank you.
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LOVE LOVE LOVE this article!!
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I have 2 boys, which come out with some absoloute crackers all the time, but my favourite is actually from my 5 year old nephew, who had found a skink and was playing with it/watching it all afternoon and then when it was time to go home, was running around yelling out “where is my skank? I lost my skank!”
(actually had some funny thoughts of him going to prep the next day, telling his teacher that on the weekend, he had found a skank….)
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Honey , please stop patting the kangaroo there, yes I know he looks happy but , ah, just don’t!
In desperation to my three year old , who was giving Mr ‘roo a very satisfying scrotum scratch …..
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After the kids have had a shower “Did you use soap?” “Are you sure?” “Bend over and let me smell your bum” “Pee-yew, right, back in the shower and make sure you wash your bum with soap this time!”.
Unfortunately had to do this one more than once :/
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No electronic devices at dinner, yes honey that means you too.
Can’t we get through one meal without a fart/ poo/ vomiting conversation? Apparently not.
Don’t shoot your brother at the table/ on the toilet/ in the shower. Nerf gun
I never want to find another sandwich stuffed into a cavity in your room.
I’m going on dessert strike until everyone can manage to do their duties everyday.
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“did you just put a tire up your nose?” (toy car tire)
“for the last time, don’t paint the dog!”
“the toilet is not a place where we eat”
“We never attack unsuspecting people with swords!”
“Do not wipe your nose on the wall!”
“please don’t roar at strangers”
“yes I’m sure your poo is just as big as a dinosaurs – but you still have to flush!”
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Ah yes , to my 3.5 y/o don’t wipe your face on the carpet ,don’t bite the corner of the table( he made the corners of the coffee table white),don’t wipe your dirty hands on your pants( my husband too),
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I have said:
“Did you do a wee on the windowsill?” (She had)
“Hold your penis” (When toilet training my son – I learnt the hard way that if he disn’t, i’d get wet!)
“We don’t touch POO!”
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“Stop moving your legs, Isabela!’ shortly followed by “LEGS!”
(my 3 1/2 year old has this strange obsession, whenever she is sitting in her car restraint, she is sort of ‘kicking’ her legs towards the front, though not really kicking, as she doesn’t touch the seat in front of her, more so regular leg movements-as I said, it’s some kind of obsession)
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Please get in Phillip, NOW!
(our car is called Phillip ie ‘Fill up’ the car. 2 year old’s idea)
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‘STOP SHOUTING!’
Yup. And it’s extra stupid when you follow it up with, ‘WE DON’T SHOUT IN THIS HOUSE!’
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Or, “MUMMY IS NOT SHOUTING!!!”
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(from my 4 yr old son) Mum, if we have another baby can I put the seed inside your tummy?
(and from me) No darling, That’s a special job for Daddy.
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Haha.. My 4 year old daughter cried wen I told her she couldn’t marry daddy
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Well doctor, my daughter says she put a rock up her nose
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my 3.5 y/o son put a pea one day and the little sponge thing in front of microphone through his nose ,I was brave enough to get them out with my eye brow plucking twizers,you never know that will come handy in other way.
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My then just 2yo holds the record i think…8 peas AT ONCE up her little nose! She slept all night with them in there and only complained the next morning. I managed to get them all out with tweezers and the doctor was most impressed!
She has also put two mini pom-poms up there (one up each nostril) and most recently (at age 3 1/2) a small pink bead in her ear. Luckily I have managed to get them all out so far (touch wood!)
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Don’t tell any one, when I was 4 y/o I also put a little bead in my ear,My mum had to go to the doctors to get that out and the doctor used a big syringe filled with water and forcedly inject inside so the bead would come out with the water pressure.
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You didn’t really ask your teacher if she has a glass eye did you? (yep, she did)
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“For the love of God, would you please stop eating the trolley?!
And don’t go off and lick the pole because you’re cranky”. (I don’t take him shopping anymore)
“No, you don’t wipe your brother’s bottom, he can do it himself.”
“Get off your sister, she’s not a pony.”
“Get off me, I’m not a jungle gym”
“C, you can’t be an alien today, ok? Just be a human please.”
“Ice cream is NOT a breakfast cereal!”
“STOP EATING YOUR SHOE!”
Seriously, they both put the strangest things in their mouths, it drives me nuts! Kids are thoroughly entertaining though, aren’t they?
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“Yes, fucking hell is not a very nice thing to say but some days mum is not very nice”
“We do not put things inside our vaginas, especially toothbrushes!”
“No I don’t know what kind of party they were fighting for but just because the Beastie Boys did it doesn’t make it ok for you to do it too”
“Poo is private. We do not tell random people at the shops about our poo”
Some days if you don’t laugh you’ll end up at the wrong end of a bottle of gin…
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“We do not put things inside our vaginas”
Oh dear… there goes the entire bottom drawer of my bedside table.
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‘No, you can’t lick yourself like the dog – not your bottom and not your penis, sorry.’ To my son, and my daughter (who would love to have a penis like her brother, and some days just insists that she does have a penis – he is five and she is two).
‘No, you cannot look for a penis inside your sister – there is no penis inside your sister.’
‘STOP! Now! Oh my God – you never, ever bite anyone, ever – but especially not their scrotum. Oh my God!’ (said to my two year old daughter after she bit her brother’s scrotum while they were wrestling).
We seem to be going through a ‘genitals’ theme at my house at the moment – penis, vulva, bottom, scrotum – my children make songs out of these words and my neighbour told me he is getting a real education out of listening to my children play in the backyard!!
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you just made me almost pea in my pants!!!!!!!
I had to literally run to the toilet before I even finished reading your comment in order to not pea in my pants!
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Hilarious!!!!! IM glad we arn’t the only household
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Fart in your room, not at the table.
Stop eating like a squirrel and use cutlery.
Everyone wee before we get in the car
and in a similar vein to others’ comments below:
You had better not be cutting that paper with mummy’s good scissors.
Let mummy check if your bum is clean as a whistle.
Let mummy have 5 minutes peace when she is on the toilet.
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No, you can’t pee on the grass. This a birthday party. And you’re standing right next to a table of people eating.
WHAT are you fighting about? YES! Cats CAN bite girls too!
Where are all your hair clips? Where are all the marbles? Where are [insert any tiny toys here]?? Emmy – go and get your handbags and empty them out please!
Emmy, why do you have all the velcro days, months, weather patterns and numbers in your pocket? Oh, you stole them from school? Right…. (seriously, my kids has Mary Poppins pockets)
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If you don’t behave we’ll stop playing Lego and you’ll have to watch TV (awww!).
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This made me laugh.
I have a 3 month old .. So this is what happens huh.
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“I don’t want to hear problems, I want to hear solutions!”
“We don’t eat our dinner with our toes!”
“take mummy’s electric toothbrush off your private parts!” (no joke, child was 3)
” that is not mummy’s special finger! we do NOT look in mummy’s bedside drawer. That is private. Thank you. ” (like mother like daughter!)
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Im weeping!! special finger, brilliant!!
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Oh that’s gold!
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People often saythey are crying with laughter after reading on here, but this rarely happens to me.
Right now, my partner is calling me ‘precious pup’ (the wheezy laugh because I can barely get a breath in!) AND I definitely have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. These are all brilliant!
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Thanks guys, glad you are loving the madness that is my offspring!
“I would like you to behave like a human being.”
” Mummy needs some space.”
“No we are not going to bring the sheep (substitute with any large farm animal, unsuitable for a suburban backyard) home in the car”
“Mummy is not an octopus…I have two arms, see? One? Two. (as I madly flail limbs with exasperation)”
I must keep a diary….I know there are sooo many more.
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Why is that poo not flushing? (there were styrofoam beads in it)
Not mine, but a friend was talking on the phone to someone called ken when she called out to her toddler son to”get kens (doll) head out of his mouth”. Still makes me laugh.
Another one, why does nothing have a sound?
Don’t cut your brothers penis off, he may want that one day.
Don’t try to convince your brother that he rather be a girl.
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‘SHUT THE DOOR !!! – Mummy needs a moment to poo in peace’
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‘Bend over so I can check that you wiped your bum properly’.
I am not kidding……
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I believe you…..
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Yep done that one many a time.
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