Sarah Harris interviewing David*.
By SARAH HARRIS
When David* first held his little girl, he wasn’t overcome by paternal love and joy that so many other fathers often describe. He was 21. Too young, he says, to become a dad.
But more than that, he remembers feeling something was wrong; that the baby in his arms wasn’t his. As she grew to be a happy toddler that doubt became harder to wrestle with; her dark skin and brown almond-shaped eyes in stark contrast to David’s own blue-eyed, fair skinned complexion.
“She assured me I was the only one,” he recalls of Donna*, the woman with whom he’d shared a brief fling. ”She said there was no way it could be anyone else’s.”
Despite his doubts, David didn’t shirk his responsibility; paying child support and sharing custody with his ex. “I just raised her as my own,” he tells me, his voice quiet.
The truth eventually came by text message.
“It said she wasn’t my daughter and I’d never see her again,” David says, shaking his head. “There was disbelief, anger, just the betrayal of it all…”
His daughter had just turned nine. A DNA test later confirmed that the girl wasn’t his.
David* and the daughter he thought was his.
Information obtained by Nine News reveals more than 100 women have been ordered by courts to pay back child support money under Section 143 of the Child Support (Assessment) Act 1989, which was toughened up in 2007.
Over the same six year period from 2007 to 2012, the courts cancelled 773 child support orders involving men shown by DNA not to be the father of the children.
A Section 143 order is applied only to cases where the mother either knowingly deceived the father, or where there was clear negligence in paternity checks.
“It’s an impossible situation for everybody,” Sue Price, tells me over the phone from her home office in Brisbane. “It’s all caused by people not being honest in the first place.”
Sue is the founder of the Men’s Rights Agency, a group whose website declares “men and boys face increasing hostility just because they are male”. Sue has a problem with child support, in general. She says the financial demands of single mothers ”are crippling” for men, and have even left some destitute: “It’s a frequent occurrence to find them sleeping in the back of their car while trying to maintain a normal life; going to work clean and tidy and everything else.”
Figures collected by the National Council for Single Mothers and The Children suggest a very different side to the story. From June 2012, 290-thousand Australian children were owed a staggering $1.2 billion in unpaid child support; and it was mostly dads who didn’t pay up.
Yet, calls for mandatory DNA paternity testing in child support cases are growing louder; led by lobby groups like Men’s Rights Agency, and men who feel betrayed, like David. “It runs through your mind what could have been, what could have happened if you’d had have known years ago,” he says, looking at a photo of his younger self, holding the daughter that biologically wasn’t his.
“She conned me.” David’s talking about Donna now.
“She has no empathy. There’s no remorse. There’s never been a sorry.”
Donna*
“There’s no evidence to suggest this it is a trend. It is very rare,” says Therese Edwards, CEO of the National Council of Single Mothers and Their Children.
She argues demands for mandatory DNA testing in child support cases are “destructive” and would only increase the stress on expectant mothers, already facing the uncertainty of life as single parents. “What will be the impact on the child?”
It’s grainy, but the home video David shows me gives some heartbreaking insight. It looks like it has been shot on a mobile phone and shows his little girl speaking nervously to camera. Donna’s asking questions in the background.
“Where do you want to live? Do you still wanna see Daddy?” There’s a long pause, as the she fidgets with her brown curly hair. “Umm….” the child mumbles. Her voice is tiny. “Only for little visits.”
David has saved the video on his home computer as “Taliban Hostage Video”. There’s no question this is emotional warfare. And you can’t help but feel that, with all this fighting, a little girl is being forgotten. She’s collateral damage.
In the end, David sued his ex to recover some of his money, but says it was “hardly a victory”. A family court judge ordered his ex to pay back $25-thousand dollars in child support payments; he’d taken her to court for four times that amount. “I paid for her private school education, sports groups, music lessons,” he says “She never went without.”
David has a new family now, including three little ones all bearing his fair skin and blue eyes. He says he still struggles financially, but the emotional cost of a deception that lasted nearly a decade is the hardest to bear. It’s been two years since he’s seen his little girl. Still, David is hopeful. “I think she’ll come looking for me when she’s a teenager,” David says, his voice cracking a little, “And despite everything that’s happened, the door will always be open.”
Repeated calls to Donna, the girl’s mother, were not returned.
*All names have been changed for legal reasons.
Sarah Harris has been a journalist for more than a decade. She currently works as a reporter for the Nine Network and can be found on National Nine News. You can follow her on Twitter here.
What would you do if you were in David’s situation? Do you think the Child Support laws need to be changed?
Comments
102 Comments so far
Okay…there is a 50/50 chance my dad is not my biological father.
My mum and dad had a very rocky marriage and my mum had an affair with a family friend around the same time as falling pregnant. She has fully admitted to me that she can’t be sure who is my ‘real’ father. This has only come out in the past three years. I am 32.
I have been told its up to me to decide whether I want to know the truth or not and honestly, I dont know. I wake up everyday with a different thought to whether I want to do it or not. I guess what holds me back is that It doesn’t change anything. I’m not going to suddenly get this magical, TV-like parent reunion that fills all my emotional holes either way of the result. It is what it is. I’m not angry about it now but its taken me a while to get there.
My mum is a good person, a wonderful mother and she made a mistake. She wasn’t after money or a dole cheat. In fact after the divorce my mum did everything she could to give me a good life. She worked hard, taught me to be a good person and the bond between us is as strong as ever. She isn’t a bad person, she is human and she made a mistake. I can’t justify her mistake but I can forgive her for it.
I still dont know what I will do or how I even feel about it. You cant judge or understand until you are in it yourself. I feel for my dad but on the flip side he was a terrible father who was always emotionally vacant. You may think this is because he may have suspected – its not – he is like that with everyone (and if you are wondering he never paid child support – different era back then).
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My husband was deliberately deceived about a child being his when it wasn’t. He asked repeatedly for a DNA test but was told that if he didn’t trust her, then he was welcome to walk away. Finally, when the little girl was two, there were just too many signs indicating that the child wasn’t his and he did his own DNA test (you can do one just based on the child and father’s DNA which isn’t legally admissable but is still accurate). The day he received the letter confirming the child wasn’t his was one of the most heart breaking things I’ve ever had to watch.
He got $30k in child support back etc – but that wasn’t the issue – the issue was him having to totally re-adapt his identity to no longer being a parent; and of course losing a relationship that he had held more dear than anything. I’ll never forget him saying goodbye to the child knowing it was the final time.
Doing a DNA test in utero is dangerous, but doing it once a baby is born just involves taking a tiny swab from inside the mouth. It takes 10 seconds and is totally pain-free to the child. Based on that, I see no problem with them being mandatory…. people have a right to know and there are a lot of coniving women out there, just as there are plenty of deadbeat dads.
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How/why he made the decision to walk away?
There is no judgment in my question at all – I’m just interested.
Was it more to do with the child’s mother? And how do you feel about it?
P.s. i’m glad that the child’s mother was held accountable.
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There was more than one thing involved, as you can imagine, but the main things were – yes, how was he going to continue to deal with the Mother when she had deliberately deceived him up until that point (they hadn’t been together for some years) – also as he would have had no legal rights to the child whatsoever, the Mother could’ve forbidden contact at any time – and used that as a weapon whenever she wanted him to do something etc….
He also felt that as the child was only two, he could step away at that point without doing her any damage as she’d ultimately not remember him whereas if he tried to stay a part of her life and it deteriorated when she was older then she could be badly hurt and scarred by it…
Also, what was he going to stay in her life as? A family friend? He wasn’t going to lie to her and him and the Mother weren’t speaking by this stage… it was all too difficult.
I felt relieved that we wouldn’t have to deal with the Mother any further; and that we were getting someone so destructive out of our lives but of course I felt terrible for him. Had he really wanted to maintain a relationship I would’ve supported it, however, I would’ve been very wary of it having no legal framework around it – as the second she met someone else, for example, she could’ve banned contact with no consequence. Best to make a clean break.
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My husband has two kids from a previous relationship. The mother is an unstable, unethical, gold digger – I feel devastated that he was ever with her but have come to accept it… Anyway, the mother implied to him when his son was 2 years old that he wasn’t his. It was not until the child was 10 years old that hubby went through with getting a DNA test – he too did the type of test you mention. Turned out the kid is his, but the years of anguish he’s suffered because of this is horrible. The child is now 13 and I only met my husband last year so I missed most of the malicious acts among other things the mother has done. I asked him why he took so long to do the test and he said it would have caused devastation to so many people – his son, him, his parents, etc.
It is my view that the women prone to this sort of thing are highly cunning in targeting nice guys that have high morals and will fulfill their responsibilities. It’s just devastating. I hope karma comes back to bite..
Lauren0108 so glad your husband found out early before more damage could be inflicted on you and your family.
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Woman like this should have to face fraud charges as far as I’m concerned it should be a criminal act.
That poor child deserves to be with the man who raised her and not this woman claiming to be her mother. Giving birth does not mean you are a mother.
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We don’t know her side of the story so you’re being extremely judgemental. And suggesting she should have her child taken away and given to a man who felt no joy at her birth and only stuck around out of what he himself describes as a sense of obligation is absolutely ludicrous.
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I feel sorry for guys sometimes, they get told to put a condom on it or keep it in their pants if they don’t want to chance a pregnancy. If a pregnancy happens they have no legal input if they want to keep it or abort.
When a woman falls pregnant accidentally, it all about “how these things happen” and how HE should ave kept it in his pants if he didn’t want to risk it, not her keep it out of her pants.
S
Years ago a friend had to stand by while his girlfriend of 3 years aborted their pregnancy. I’m all for “our body,our choice”, but in some cases it should be “I choose, I pay “
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This is an incredibly sad situation, for all involved but particularly the child. I wonder about if the ‘father’ involved had more of a problem with the financial loss or the loss of the child. Both must be completely devastating. I don’t think that mandatory DNA tests are the answer though as it also questions my belief as to whom is a ‘parent’. I am a step-mother to a 7yr old. My husband and therefore I, have full custody and have done since he was born. If my husband and I were to seperate would I then have no access and no support for the rearing of this child (and his subsequent siblings). What if my husband found out that his son was not ‘his’ now – he has no offer biological parent in the picture – would he just be made a ward of the state? I think DNA is one thing, but it often doesn’t prove who your ‘real’ parents are. You already know that.
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I just feel for those lied to, and the kids involved. No child asks to be created and born into such a sad situation.
I hadn’t thought about doing DNA tests before signing a birth certificate, but considering all the implications involved in relationship breakdowns when kids are involved, it has merit. If its done at the birth, is standard procedure, then it’ll become normal practice. It would be a case of the vast majority doing it for the small minority who are implicated in cases of parental fraud by others.
I’m a single mum, and I don’t find any of this DNA talk suggestive about “all” single mums. Sure, some mum’s will trick would be fathers by lying about paternity, just like some fathers will trick would be mum’s by saying they’ll support her and their children… and then leave her high and dry when it all gets too hard. Rather than it being a stereotype situation, its a human being situation – some people just suck.
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And then there is the guy who knows deep down but never wanted it confirmed because the truth would be too hurtful for not only the child but for himself as well. This is my husband. He ‘knows’ deep down his first born is more than likely biologically not his and has paid tens of thousands in child support/school fees/battled courts etc for custody but never once wanted to know the ‘truth’ because that reality would have been even harder to deal with in his mind. He always said that even if he wasn’t a biological father he was always a dad and for that reason he could never walk away.
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There is nothing about these situations that isn’t woefully sad. I’ve seen mothers unable to get a cent out of their exes who have bugger all to do with their lovely children and lovely fathers cut off from their kids and pillaged of their assets and income for no good reason. The system on both sides will never save you in the case of separation, the only way is to hope you can organise yourselves in a way that is in the best interests of your children and a fair financial way.
In relation to the specifics of DNA testing, I don’t have a problem with it. If it is just a standard step of applying for child support, the angst will be removed from it.
My heart does break for men who ‘lose’ their own children like that. I can’t imagine the grief of discovering mine are not my biological children (I would be the one needing the DNA test in our case, it’s like I had nothing to do with them from the look of them). I can’t imagine they wouldn’t still be ‘mine’ though or I wouldn’t support them. They are mine now, biology is just a part of it as a parent. I would do my best not to punish the other party through my kids. But I can see if I lost my rights to them (oh god, how terrifying would that be) that I’d feel differently.
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Something similar happened to my cousin, overseas though.
He had this girlfriend(who already had a daughter from a previous relationship) and she became pregnant very soon after they met(realy very soon). I don’t know if he suspected anything from the start, but he took on the responsibility, they moved in together, he looked after her and her first daughter, then ‘their’ son was born.
They lived together for a while, then their relationship started crumbling, so she left him and ‘their son’(took her daughter with her).
Because my cousins parents always suspected that this boy might not be my cousins son(as mentioned the pregnancy didn’t add up to the time they met, and the boy resembled more his sister than my cousin), they encouraged him to do a DNA test. The test confirmed he wasn’t the father. So my cousin gave this boy into foster care or a home or something.
As this article says, it’s the child that suffers the most, left by his mother with someone who is not his father, but was kind enough to care for him for a while(a few years). But my cousin must have been desperate, that he decided to give him away instead of keeping him(mostly financial and of course being a single parent).
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He did what? He gave the son up? What a heartless bastard, how is an innocent child to blame? Haven’t we all heard stories of honorable men raising children who weren’t theirs, as if they were.
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Sure it’s heartless. However he was struggling to raise him on his own with no support what so ever(his parents though encouraging him to do the test, never really supported him or helped him), financially and emotionally. He never had the bond he was meant to have as a father. And I think he thought that sometime in the future she might come back and take him anyway, and he wouldn’t have any rights what so ever.
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That is the saddest thing. How could he give up the boy? He is so small with no one in the world. The boy believes that man is his father in his little world. How could you hand someone who only has you over to the state???? That is cruel, so cruel and the boy will never recover. Parents are more than DNA and this man could have done something honorable and raised a little boy who had noone. He would have loved him for it.
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Two things I am passionate about, mandatory DNA test upon birth done at same time as the vitamin K and a presumption of 50/50 parenting unless there are genuine issues as to why not.
We tax payers would save a fortune on CSA costs because there would be so much less manipulation of the system.
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I disagree completely that mandatory DNA testing is destructive and would increase stress for expectant mothers facing the prospect of being a single parent. I don’t understand why it would be stressful if you’re confident you know who the father is. If you’re an expectant mother attempting to secure child support from someone who is not your child’s father, you should be stressed! If anything, I feel that making DNA testing mandatory would things less stressful for those doing the right thing, because it eliminates any questions of paternity without placing the father in the difficult position of having to question it in the first place.
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Agree absolutely. If it was just an expected step, there would be no anxiety, unless a woman genuinely didn’t know who the father was. But one would hope that she would want to find out for the sake of her children. And the children would be none the wiser in most cases, as they would be too young to understand if it were mandatory.
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Would you count a mother living with a partner or husband who is in some way or another either emotionally or financially supporting the child as ‘securing child support’? Or are you just aiming this at single mothers? If so, please explain your rationale behind that.
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“explain” what….it makes perfect sense. It’s not an attack on any group of people.
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Saying that only single mothers children should have a DNA test is singling out one group and implying that their morals are lower then those of someone who is partnered. How is that not an attack on that group of people? This whole idea of mandatory DNA testing is fundamentally flawed (who is going to be paying the $500+ for each test?? They are not cheap!) but in this case my argument is, why are people only saying single parents children need to be tested? If you are going to have children tested, it should be all, not just one groups. It’s does not make sense to target only one group.
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Test every child. Every time. How hard can it be? $500 is how much they charge for the test to be done privately, not how much it costs to actually do the test.
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i feel so bad for the guy and im glad he got some money back this woman is just heartless and in the end its the poor little girl who will suffer. however the whole child support system is bogus. my wife has a child whose father has since had 3 more with another on the way. he only sees my son every 2nd weekend, never sees his other 3 and refuses to pay for anything except the $5 a fortnight he gets docked from his Dole…
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Further to my previous post, just wanted to reiterate how serious an issue this is. Not just the paternity matters, but the way in which men are treated by CSA and the way certain women manipulate the system and the financial and emotional devastation they cause. Yes, there is an element of idiocy when truly nice guys get messed up and then trapped (where it is their kid) by woman they should not have spoken to let alone shacked up with…
We all know about deadbeat dads but the deadbeat mother that’s never worked a day in her life and is a centrelink expert and knows how to exploit everyone and everything to her advantage should really be feared.
I know of a guy who has almost been destroyed over the last decade through having to fight to see his own children and being put through a level of hell that does not bare thinking about. He is truly the nicest, loveliest most hardworking, caring and devoted father you could ever meet. Somehow he has been able to get through and come out in an ok position and the kids are not completely messed up, but the woman in question is an absolute piece of work, who by the way has 5 children to 3 different fathers! She has never worked a day in her life but she works hard at getting money form them and the government. The story is too long and too complex for this forum, but having seen it, it has made me better understand those extreme stories we occasionally hear in the media where a man going through a custody battle ends up killing himself and his kids.
The CSA and welfare systems in this country need to change so people can’t rely on breeding as a means of survival.
PS I’m a woman.
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I pretty much put the mother who knows the child isn’t as a reuslt of a coupling with a guy but makes him pay child support, and the guys who dodge child support when they know the child is theirs in the same basket.
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The deadbeat mother who has never worked a day in her life.
Do you also apply this sentiment to stay at home mothers I wonder? What about child care workers? Do they not work?
You need to get some real life perspective my friend. Single mothers work bloody hard day in and day out. Yes, the will always be those who live up the stereotype you are perpetuating, but on the whole, the majority of single mothers are working for a pittance or studying in the hopes to give their children a brighter future. Do you know how hard it is for a single mother to find work? Can you think of many employers that can offer work that will fit in school hours, give days off when sick leave is required and for school holidays? Yes it can be done, but it is very very difficult and very very costly.
A centre link expert you say. Are you aware that most single parents live below the poverty line and are in extreme housing stress, most paying over half their wages towards rent? Are you aware of the amount of single mothers turning to charities to help pay their bills or are simply going without meals so their children can eat?
I am interested as to where you have based your opinions.
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She based her opinions on her experience, just like you are doing.
I wouldn’t think most people would have a problem understanding how tough a single parent role would be.
Whats hard for people to swallow is the idea that everyone has the right to everything while being “supported” by the government. For example “every women has the right to be a SAHM”.
Well, yes, you do have the right. If you can pay for it. If you can’t, then it’s not an issue of rights.
Anyway, this article was about a man who was lied to then lost access to his child. Not single parents.
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I was a single mother and i found work…………..wasnt that hard. I also found a nice place to rent, i had share care of my kids so i didnt get any money from CSA or centrelink. It was hard but I am a fully functioning women adult who is capable to either know how to do things or ask questions and learn to do things………………sorry are you upset because i havent made any excuses?
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Not in the slightest. I am very happy that you have been able to get by. If you re read my post you will see I am not saying it is not possible. But not everyone has the same opportunities that you have. Having shared care has enabled you child free time to dedicate to work, study, what have you that others do not have. Having an ex who is supportive of the children has also given you opportunities that many are denied. I do not your circumstances, and nor do you know others. Finding work can differ depending on your qualifications, experience, availability and location.. Or sometimes just luck. That’s a lot of variables to take into consideration is it not? Considering that most women take career hits to raise children, or stay home, they miss out on qualifications and experience, then there is availability for those who do not have shared care. So, it’s fantastic you have been able to live the life you have, but you must keep in mind that not everyone has been given the same opportunities as you have.
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I think in cases of relationship breakdowns, or where child maintenance is going to be dealt with then a DNA test should automatically be done. Realistically, every case I’ve heard of (and I deal with a lot of single mothers at work) ends up having a DNA test done for court.
I don’t know if I’d agree with Sue Price’s assessment of unrealistic single mother demands. I see a hell of a lot of single mother poverty. While there may be mothers who do demand (and get) too much off their exes, there’s a lot of non paying fathers, or fathers trying their hardest to get out of paying much maintenance towards their child/rens upbringing.
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A secret squirrel (working with Child Support Agency) once told me they knew of a woman claiming payments from 3 different ‘fathers’. As the agency could not give the men a heads up due to privacy issues they had to enforce payments from all three. If only the men had sought paternity testing, two, or maybe all, of their lives would not be expensive lies.
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This is what I don’t understand?? Why can someone claim three lots of child support for one child? Surely that is fraud and the woman should be challenged on that?
The woman I was referring to in my comment below has had three different names – maiden, married and now made up! I’m quite certain she’s claiming welfare under all of her aliases.
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There is not a chance that this could be true. Soz bit just not possible.
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Agree!!! If my husband demanded a DNA at our daughters births I would have left him, but if it was mandatory, what could I say? Fortunately, I am an incubator for hubby’s clones!
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Lets further demonise single mothers and entrench stigma hey? Great idea. Why don’t you spend some more time on the amount of fathers who abandon their children and refuse to pay child support instead of further pandering to right wing fathers groups? Disgraceful and shameful. More fathers abandon their children and/or do not pay child support than mother playing pretends, which I agree is disgraceful. However mandatory DNA tests for child support cases?? Are you actually serious? If you suggest that then why do you not suggest it for all children? Oh, because it is morally wrong thats why. We will just continue to beat down single mothers in our society as if they do not already suffer enough.
I agree with the many comments I have read of late proclaiming that mamamia is basically just tt or aca in blog form, your going downhill fast. I am not surprised this was written by a nine coresponden. I avoid the msm for a reason. Sensationalist journalism is NOT good journalism.
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Couldn’t agree more. I made a similar comment about how mandatory DNA testing is saying that all mothers especially single mothers are liars and out to get men.
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I’m a single Mum, I’m the only parent named on my daughter’s birth certificate because her father doesn’t want anything to do with us for whatever reasons he’s come up with. I’d welcome DNA tests at birth because then there ARE no aspersions to be cast about single Mums – you have proof of who the parents are, and everyone is on the same page.
People (like him and the people he talked me down to) will still cast aspersions on the way in which the baby was conceived (Evil woman trying to trap him, etc etc), and there’s not much that can be done about that. But having the proof of the DNA test (which for the majority of cases will be exactly what the Mum is claiming) would certainly be helpful.
And I’d rather the blood be taken in hospital when they’re tiny than the prospect of having to get her to sit still for anything to be taken from the age of about 1 onwards.
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My issue here is that it is only single mothers being targeted. I do not agree with the idea as a whole on a huge variety of levels (women’s rights etc), however, for those arguing for it, why are they only arguing for it to be done in child support cases? Just reading these comments proves it happens in married relationships too, why is it always single mothers being targeted? I am entirely sick of single mothers being attacked in one way or another. It needs to stop. When you are forced to do a DNA test it is the most demeaning experience you will ever go through. It quite literally makes you feel violated in some way or another. I speak from experience. Most of the time it is done as a way to hold having to pay child support, as it was done in my case, another way manipulative fathers are playing the child support system. (I know not all are like that)
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-Some- single mothers are the ones that think everyone is out to get them with their evil character assassinations.
It’s just not like that in the real world.
I’m a single mum with 2 kids. But I’ve met other SM’s who feel the way you do about “the looks” they get or “all the judgment”. But most of it is not because of being a SM. Its because of having dirty/unkempt/rude children. Or that each of your 5 children has a different father, and the poor life choices made. Not about being a single mum.
p.s. ANYONE can have dirty kids, which is my point. the judgment comes from parenting style not if you are single or partnered
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Actually, I am not at all talking about the ‘looks I get’, I do get looks, but most of the time that’s because I am young and if my son who has asd is in the middle of a meltdown at the shops. But thank you very much for your assumptions about my parenting there. I more talking about prejudice shown through policy decisions and media reports. Changes to newstart, changes to jet, social security amendment acts that have gone through recently, workplace discrimination, etc etc.
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you have just given a perfect example of someone assuming a general comment was about them. I didn’t say anything about YOUR parenting. As for policy changes, these are not aimed at single parents, they are aimed at reducing a budget blowout. But I agree there need to be more positive policy’s made around part time/flexible work hours. Or possibly work for the dole programs – manning the centrelink phones & child care come to mind
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It isn’t targeting single mums. It’s targeting people who lie about the parentage of their kids. It’s categorical proof of who the mother and father of a child is. Why is that a problem? If the absent parent delays their Child Support, it gets backdated anyway.
How much easier would it be if you had the test results proving who the other parent is? The only people who would be worried if they were to bring in DNA testing would be the ones who lied.
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errr… i think that saying single mothers are suffering is a severely far fetched statement. if they know they can’t provide for a child or that the “father” (alleged or real) also will/won’t/can’t provide for the child as well, then don’t have sex, get pregnant and then actually have a child. keep it in your pants or use double protection ie pill and condom or other methods. there is such thing as FAMILY PLANNING and there is such a thing CONTRACEPTION. so please, if you choose to f*** around, then expect to bear the consequences. BOTH PARTIES!
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If read studies done by academics, welfare groups or have real life experience with them you will not think it is ‘far fetched’ at all. I have done all three of these. I work with single mums, I am a single mums, I read media reports as well as academic journal. This country has its head in the sand about the suffering of others. There are so many cases of DV that have lead to mothers fleeing with their children, who are now stuck on welfare on increasingly diminishing and archaic payments. Same goes with mothers who *had* supportive partners who at one point or another, sometime during pregnancy, sometimes after, decided it was all too much and left. These practices are incredibly common. And yes, single mothers are overwhelmingly bearing the brunt. In most cases they have the higher care percentage if not all care, which restricts them in their ability to find work.
Your view is incredibly naive. The world is not so black and white and you suggest.
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Hang on. It’s not only people who fuck around who end up in situations like this. My daughter’s father disappeared after a couple of years when I told him I was pregnant. If we’d had the option of a DNA test taken at birth as a matter of course, it would have saved a LOT of time and expense chasing him and going to court.
How about you have a bit of a think about how people get into the situation of being single parents in the first place rather than blaming people.
Meanwhile, I’d like to see you look after yourself and a child on what the government deems enough.
I know a few single parents, and not one planned it to get money out of anyone. Very few people would. Trust me, it’s not a life of luxury.
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A friend is going through a similar situation, with a major difference…. He has full custody of his 7yo and she only has supervised visits. Despite the DNA test he is still suing for complete custody as he still feels that the boy is ‘his’ as he is the one whos raised him.
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No doubt Donna s a total cow! And I’m sure there are thousands of women getting child support/living with men that they have falsly led to believe are the fathers of their children. It’s so unfair, not only financially but emotionally as well. I think if there is any doubt in rather parents mind that the baby could have a different father then tests should be done at birth. I do think that just because mums carry the baby for 9 mnths that they are given more rights in this respect, but if this is going to impact a man that is not rightly the dad then they should be allowed to get these tests done. Also, what about the actual dads in these cases…… Fancy not knowing you have a child out there!!
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My mother did this, had a child and told my Father that the baby was his. He wasn’t Dad’s kid, and neither of them know. I can’t think what would happen if they found out.
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Oh, is that kid u?
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It’s the old story,
You KNOW who your mother is.
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Absolutely child support laws need to be changed.
My brother recently went through this whole scenario where his ex-gf turned up 3-months pregnant claiming it was his and he was absolutely smitten with the idea of becoming a father and he had no reason to suspect the child wasn’t his. So he paid for all of her medical appointments and took care of her during her pregnancy, she moved in with him for the first few months when the baby was born, he bought all the child-equipment (cribs, prams, carseats etc) bought a family-friendly-sedan and paid for the babies medical needs after birth (because she didn’t want to use the baby bonus for that apparently).
Then 8-months in she has an argument with him and makes some snide remark about a one-night stand with another man, so it prompted him to get a DNA test and sure enough the little boy he’d grown to love as his own son, wasn’t his. The kid is almost 2yrs old and my brother is STILL arguing with the child support agency about it not being his. Despite doing two different DNA tests (at HIS expense – I think over $1k) and getting his name and our family name off the birth certificate, CSA still want to chase him for backpay and ongoing payments despite them being aware he’s not the father.
He’s got a family court date set, but I’m interested to see if she is forced to pay back all the money he’s shelled out on something that was never his for her vicious behaviour. I don’t care whether she knew or didn’t know, she had enough reason to suspect that there was a 50-50 chance it wasn’t his and she CHOSE not to bring this up and she CHOSE to take his money and generosity and genuine love/desire to be a father.
It sucks for the child, entirely and I get that, but there doesn’t seem to be any support for the man. My brother is shattered and has been in a downward spiral of depression ever since, as have my parents who feel like they’ve lost a grandson and can’t quite explain it to people. Not to mention the two family names (both grandfathers) that were given to this little boy that now my husband and I don’t feel we could ever use if we were to ever have a son.
I think a DNA test for both mother and father should be mandatory prior to anything being put down/signed on a birth certificate. It’s something that I’ve considered lobbying government for, because this kind of thing is just life altering, not only financially but emotionally and it’s not fair to anyone.
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Your poor brother, how horrible
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Tea, I feel for your brother. Unfortunately from past experience I wouldn’t hold your breath in getting anything back. She will get away with the lot.
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What a disturbing story – I feel for your brother and the little boy who came into the world innocently and perfectly as his own being – he didn’t ask to be put in this situation. Sounds like your brother is a great guy, so for what its worth, I’m glad for that little boy that he was blessed with good family names. Let’s hope it gives him the strength he’ll need to get through life with a deceitful mother.
The up side of this story is that your brother has found out early on – he’s one of the lucky ones. I wish him all the best as he moves on with his life. He’s been given a second chance – I’d encourage him to grab it and walk away from the drama.
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If a paternity test is needed, both the father and mother don’t deserve children.
Horrible situation for David.
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Never had sex twice in the same month while single? Could happen so you’re being a bit judgey!
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Well, you would get a test wouldn’t you to determine the father if you were to fall pregnant.
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I know you are right but there are a lot of people who don’t actually have sex with people they barely know.
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That is a disgusting outlook!
My mother was dating my father and fell pregnant, and he refused to believe that I was his child. At the age of 7, my mother ordered him to participate in a DNA test to prove to him that I am his blood. Of course, the results confirmed what my mother had no doubt about (unless I was part of an immaculate conception).
I’m 23 and he has never acknowledged my existance. Is this at any fault of my mothers? Certainly not!
So for you to assume that all people seeking a paternity test do not deserve to be parents is disgusting. My mother has always been there for me, and is a million times a better parent than my ‘father’ ever will be.
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Your father obviously didn’t want to be a parent,and is entitled to refuse to make financial contributions and refuse to be part of your life.
Men have as much right to reproductive control as women
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One word Conor – condom. Or if he really doesn’t wish to be a father, don’t have sex, or have a vasectomy.
That is reproductive control.
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Well said!
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Well he obviously didn’t refuse to enjoy himself having the sex that resulted in an accidental pregnancy. Perhaps he should have exercised some reproductive control and used a condom? Failing that, he should be a man and face up to the consequeces of his fun. But it’s just easier to run away, right? Creep.
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What a horrid outlook. If he didn’t want to be a parent he should of taken precautions. He did not. It takes two to create a life. He did not exercise his rights to reproductive controls as you call them did he? And what about the child involved in this? Where are her rights to a happy, safe and stable childhood? Children are innocent and should not be used as pawns in adult games.
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I was married (and faithful). My ex left when I was 81/2 pregnant, and three years after she was born demanded a DNA test (which surprised nobody when it confrimed his paternity) to date, she is 8 years old and he has paid $127.00 (over 5 years) in child support.
By contrast, I have raised her in part as single mum, and then with my 2nd husband. she has had amazing experiences with us travelling, attending excellent schools, has lots of friends and is a much loved and adored little girl.
I have been lucky enough to not have to rely on governement support to raise her and have provided everything she needs.
STILL think I ‘don’t deserve children?’. How’s the weather up there on your high horse?
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Much respect to you. My daughter is nearly 4. Her father has never paid a cent in child support despite promising many times. I chose not to pursue him, both for moral reasons (long story, but it was my choice to have her, it was a very unexpected pregnancy), and also because I was worried about what could happen if I did go the CSA route. I actually had to argue my case *not* to claim child support to get the family tax benefit.
Not every single mother is a money chasing, immoral person, and DNA tests are not a reflection of morality!! If I had pursued child support I bet that, somewhere down the line, he would have wanted a test.
That being said, cases like the one in the story are heartbreaking.
There are no winners here, and the loser in situations like this are always the child.
For me, the best decision for my daughter was to NEVER put her in the middle of what could have become a nasty situation. I cannot understand how a mother could act this way. Very, very sad.
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But you didn’t NEED the paternity test, you knew. I think if you’re having sex with enough people that you’re not sure who the father is… that’s where the problem is.
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Oh come on, you really can’t see how this could happen? Here’s a scenario: guy walks out on a relationship. Girl is distraught. She goes out for a few drinks with her girlfriends and a guy comes on to her. She’s delighted that someone other than her ex is finding her attractive, and they go to bed together. A fortnight later she realises she is pregnant and realises that she can’t be sure who the father is. Pretty easy situation to find yourself in.
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Stupid, but easy.
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I think DNA test at birth should happen for BOTH parents before their names are listed. Yes, the baby clearly comes out of mum but it would also prevent those rare cases where babies get swapped by accident / hospital mix up. Also the father for obvious reasons. Every time – not optional, just as standard procedure. No man’s name ought to be listed the birth certificate unless he is tested and confirmed first. If it were optional, it’d prevent the woman being miffed about it, plus any deceptive mum to be would know it is coming at the birth, so would put off a lot of liars or women in doubt as to who the father is.
Baby isn’t birthed by the man so a DNA test is the only way to confirm this. Yes, at birth – not when the child support issue arises – it’d save the emotional torture of learning that his child isn’t actually his many years later once he’s put the time in. Not to mention he child’s heartbreak. This way, everyone knows from day 1 what is going on.
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Don’t want to “get tricked” into fathering a child – keep it in your pants!! I am seriously over the number of men and their apologists who seem to think that any woman who gets pregnant without their permission is a conniving slut. You had sex, take responsibility for the result. If you don’t want children then don’t have sex or have a vasectomy. Yes, this kind of occurrence is despicable but I bet its far less common than not paying child support. And if you seriously have doubt about the paternity of a child then be prepared to not just pay for the testing but to lose a child. Blood (or DNA) has very little to do with being a good, loving parent.
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this article is about a person deliberately misleading/then estranging a father from a child.
This father DID pay child support and DID take responsibility.
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Condom.I still don’t understand in this day and age with Condoms available in just about every shop how this happens, or is sex education failing
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But they are not exactly a sure thing are they, ask any midwife, they will tell you that condoms are really good to protect against STDs, the end.
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17 years using condoms only – no accidents over here.
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I am sitting next to my 9 year old broken condom incident and rubbing his foot as he watches TV. It happens.
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Heh – my 10 month old is a ‘surprise miracle’ and we were using a condom AND the pill. Apparently sperm are tenacious little buggers.
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This is heartwrenching. My brother has been battling for five years for rights to see his son – and has now found out that little boy isn’t even his. He still wants to see him, because the “woman” has no idea who the father is, but he feels he has been put through all of this heartache for nothing now. All of my deepest sympathies to David.
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This may come off harsh, but bugger it – Donna is a mole.
Poor David – what an horrendous situation, both emotionally and financially.
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I agree! It’s heartbreaking.
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I think she’s a moll actually.
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I feel so sorry for the father, and not because of the money. As a father myself I would be heart broken to have my children taken away like this and it would take a long long time to recover.
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I don’t think this is as rare as we are being led to believe.. This happens all too often, but in many cases the mother receiving the thousands of dollars in child support is also a welfare recipient and has no means of paying back thousands of dollars. Cases like this go unreported and many men still view the child as their own as they have been raising them for so long. All child support situations should include a mandatory paternity test.
I’ve also heard of cases where a mother has listed a man as the father on the birth cert, that man has been made to pay child support (via the ATO) yet they have not been able to access a paternity test and the mother and child disappear, but the man keeps paying.
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I think paternity tests are perfectly fair in child support cases, I would have no problem with them being compulsory. The only reason they would cause stress to the mother is if she has lied, in which case she is in the wrong and shouldn’t receive child support anyway.
However I have a big problem with anyone saying child support is unfair! I am not a single mother however child support from a biological father to contribute to his child’s educational and other needs is only fair.
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I would say – Sue isn’t saying child support is unfair, full stop. But that the loop holes (on both sides, payer and payee) that are regularly exploited need to be amended. And that there are unfair aspects in the current legislation.
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What do you define as child support? Only those cases that go through CSa? Or are we including emotional and financial inputs made by a present partner or husband?
So, going by that, shouldn’t we get DNA tests for all children? Or is that just going to be a great big waste, and push back women’s rights? Or are we just incubators after all?
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This is despicable on ‘Donna’s’ behalf. There is no excuse.
I am equally appalled by Therese Edwards thoughts: ‘She argues demands for mandatory DNA testing in child support cases are “destructive” and would only increase the stress on expectant mothers, already facing the uncertainty of life as single parents. “What will be the impact on the child?”
There will be great impact on a child if she is bought up believing someone is her father, and then find out he is not – like in this instance.
Even if it is not a trend, not even one child should have to go through that. And most certainly if a mother was thinking of lying, she should be found out before any further damage can be done, single parent or not. Stress is not a rationale for such a life altering lie.
I think it’s fair and practical for the man to have a DNA test if he is up for paying child support. I really struggle to understand the logic in her viewpoint?!
I feel for the father in this instance, as that is what he has been for 9 years to that girl, and also for the little child herself.
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My daughter’s father has nothing to do with us aside from the tiny amount of child support I had to go to court over and over to even get the CSA to chase him. And that is because Centrelink cut Family Tax Benefit if you’re NOT chasing the other parent for support payments.
He’s not on her birth certificate (legged it when he saw me with her, so it’s blank), but at least he’s acknowledged her by paying a bit. I would have had no problem at all doing DNA tests – I doubt he would have been obliging though. I think it’s a good idea though – gets rid of any doubt and would stop situations like this nasty woman, even if they’re rare, which I have no doubt they are (as opposed to situations like mine – I know of a few kids whose fathers don’t acknowledge them. Their loss.), the resources to do it are there, even if they cost $500 or whatever it is to get them done, it would surely be cheaper than the rigmarole of getting solicitors to try and find them, numerous court attendances, the CSA having to find them…
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Kris2040, my sister is in the same boat, father wanted a DNA test which she was more than happy to provide, however he then legged it and has gone ‘underground’ or AWOL! He is not on the grid at all and CSA apparently have private detectives looking for him. What breaks my heart is that my sister tried to have a relationship with his family, as she wanted her son to know them, and they too have shown no interest. WHat an aresehole. Agree, this case is tragic with the little girl undoubtedly the loser, however the number of dads who shirk or whinge about having to pay their contribution is shameful.
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As far as we’ve been able to ascertain, neither does his family. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s intercepted any letters from the CSA/solicitors that his Mum may have come across. It just doesn’t feel right that someone wouldn’t want to know their grandchild. And knowing his previous form, it makes sense that he’d do this.
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Again, please define child support to me. Is it only cases that go through CSa or the support given by present husbands or partners?
If we are going to make single mothers do it, shouldn’t we make partnered ones too? Or are single mothers still money hungry sluts in your eyes? Because none of us were walked out on, none of us left from abuse. No, we running around rooting everything with a pulse in the hopes of getting some cash!
Your deluded and you are missing therese’s point. You are making assumptions about the behaviour of single parents, with, judging by your comment, no real insight into ANY aspect of single parenthood.
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“A Section 143 order is applied only to cases where the mother either knowingly deceived the father, or where there was clear negligence in paternity checks.”
Surely this would apply to all cases where it is found the child is another man’s. A woman would know if there’s a possibility, however slight, that the child is another man’s, so if she doesn’t disclose that she has knowingly deceived the father.
I don’t think this as rare as people would like to think. Studies actually show it’s quite common. In my own family we are all quite sure that I and one of my brothers are the product of our mother’s affair with a family friend (we’ll never know for sure because all parents and possible parents are dead). When I tell people that, so many can relate in some way. I knew two people at school who realized their father wasn’t their father in science class. I have a male friend who was told by a fling that he was going to be a father…the guy had had both testicles removed at 18 (cancer).
I don’t see the harm in having a paternity test be standard in child support cases. It’s not an invasive test, and if the child is who the mother claims it is, it will be no big deal.
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I don’t have a problem with it either, but there is a question as to when the test should be done. If the parents are not together, than it is simple. But what about marreid couples? Should the test be done during pregnancy, or only if they separate down the track? If they find out when the child is 15, should the Dad then be able to sue the Mother for 15 years of financial contributions?
By the way, I’m pretty sure that you can have DNA tests to confirm if siblings are siblings, I don’t think you have to compare directly to the parents.
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I think that testing during pregnancy would have to involve an amniocentesis, which would mean testing would occur after birth to minimise the risk.
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For starters I think should be standard whenever child support is an issue (whenever that crops up). But having a paternity test be standard procedure at birth wouldn’t be a bad idea (optional on the father’s part of course).
My brother and I would both like to have testing done, our other two siblings won’t hear a bad word against our mother and refuse to accept she ever had an affair despite the fact she was open about it in her later years. They won’t consent to testing. I realize I could just nick their toothbrushes, but since everyone’s dead anyway it doesn’t seem worth the drama. We basically know anyway, it would just be nice to be 100% sure, not 99%. But as I said, not worth the drama right now.
For anyone saying what about the kids, my brother and I have a lot of issues stemming from our situation. Our mother was a deeply unpleasant woman, and I know our father (the man who raised us, not suspected bio dad) would have left her if we hadn’t come along 10 years after our siblings. He gave up a lot for us, and it’s highly likely we weren’t even his problem. In his last few years he fell into a deep depression and eventually killed himself. We can’t help but notice that the beginning of his slide into abject misery coincided with my brother and I both starting to resemble the family friend in a big way. We are sure he didn’t know when we were younger, but it would have been very hard to ignore in our late teens. It’s a lot to deal with, and it would have been better if we’d all found out a lot earlier.
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Remember that you’re nobody’s ‘problem’.
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If anything it takes away the stress I would have thought.
Making it mandatory would take away any sting/hurt feelings/accusations, nothing would need to be said. Because that’s just what you have to do.
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Are you able to provide details of the studies you described Kate? I have seen numerous documents relating to issues around the non-payment of child support but have been able to find precious little from the ‘other side’.
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This happened to a guy that I worked with a long time ago. He had his 3 kids tested because he was suspicious and it turned out that 2 of the 3 kids weren’t his own.
After he split with his wife, he eventually found out that the his youngest 2 kids had been fathered by an ex employer of his.
It was very sad to watch, he went from a guy with photos of his kids on his desk to an angry, bitter shell. He actually said to me that despite raising his two youngest (they were still young kids), he couldn’t look at them without and instant reminder of a terrible wrong done to him. Plus, he didn’t want to have to go anywhere near his wife.
Poor kids instantly lost their Dad with that revelation. I don’t think that he had to pay child support for the kids that weren’t his, but had undertaken a mortgage to build an extension to his in-laws house in which he and his family had lived. He had to continue to pay that mortgage with no ability to reclaim any of the money as the property belonged to his in-laws.
Very bitter pill to swallow. He drank for a while, but managed to get his life back on track. Hopefully the same can be said for the children.
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If I was a guy, I would be getting a paternity test if a girl I was dating ended up pregnant. The article says it’s a rare thing, but I know 2 guys off the top of my head who have been tricked like this.
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