The kids are okay, but the parents are stuffed…
by ALANA HOUSE
Recently, The Australian reported on a study that found kids who go into childcare at the age of two or three are no worse off emotionally than those kept at home.
It said, among other things: “Charles Sturt University’s Linda Harrison told The Australian the analysis was based on a longitudinal study of 5000 Australian children recruited as infants in 2004. Her analysis showed that attending childcare in infancy was not related to differences in children’s outcomes.”
Bully for the kids. Because you can’t say the same for the parents. They’re far worse off emotionally. I reckon someone should do a study on that.
My two kids went to childcare and they’re fine. I don’t need a study to tell me it didn’t do them any harm. They had friends to play with all day, they did craft activities, they had a nice hot lunch and dessert. Hunky dory.
When you’re a two-working-parent household, childcare is an inevitable consequence. Grandparents rarely live in the same suburb or town. They’re often far older and less mobile than their predecessors, due to the rise of the older mummy. Nannies are expensive. So are childcare centres, but they’re slightly less brutal on the bank balance.
For me, the three years my kids spent in childcare were devastating. They would sob and scream and cling to my leg and have to be prised off by a childcare worker every morning. I would exit the childcare centre consumed with guilt and remorse. My children promptly forgot their distress the moment I left the room.
I know this for sure because I would ring to check. And the childcare workers would assure me the kids were having a lovely time.
I, on the other hand, was completely crushed.
Then came the frantic scramble to pick them up before the centre closed. Luckily my long-daycare catered for journalists, so it was open until 7pm at night. Not ideal with a two-year-old, but at least they fed them dinner. I always tried to pick the kids up before 6.30pm. I was usually the first person to leave my office. Everyone else was still there, busy working, when I slunk out the door. And I was the boss. Eeek.
But long daycare was a breeze compared to after-school care. After-school care ends at 6pm. For every minute you run late, they charge you $5. For me, getting to after-school care by 6pm meant leaving the office at 5pm. That wasn’t the done thing in my line of work. But I had no choice. So I’d slink out the door and pray no-one noticed. Sometimes I’d leave my handbag behind and just take my wallet and keys, to put people off the scent.
Kids at kindy
One day I was running hideously late. I got caught in a traffic jam. I panicked, swerved out of my lane and clipped the car in front. I didn’t have time for a car accident. I was hyperventilating with stress. By the time I exchanged phone numbers with the other driver and skidded to a stop outside the after-school-care centre I was sobbing with panic and distress.
(I was also cringeing with embarassment when I later discovered the person I’d run into was the dad of one of my child’s kindy classmates, but that’s a whole other story that can be read by clicking here.)
Even when I wasn’t having car accidents, getting to after-school care was a nightmare. I’d take leftovers to work for Child 1′s dinner, heat them in the office microwave, zip them in a cooler bag and hand them to her in the backseat after pick-up, so she could eat at a half-decent hour. Then we’d whizz off on a 45-minute round trip to collect Child 2.
When we finally staggered in the front door, it was way too late for a bath. The kids would be hustled into their pyjamas, harassed to do their homework, half-heartedly supervised as they practised their reading.
I was shocked to discover Child 1 couldn’t read when she started year one. Somehow I thought it would miraculously happen despite me never having time to focus on it.
I stopped working last year and the difference it’s made to our family life is incredible. I’m more relaxed, which means the kids are more relaxed. They can do after-school activities, I help them with their homework before we’re all knackered and I don’t serve their dinner in plastic containers in the car.
I’m faintly terrified by the idea of entering childcare hell again if I get another job.
But what choice does a working mother have?
This post was originally published on Alana’s blog here and has been republished with full permission.
Alana House is a blogger, mum and chook enthusiast. Follow her on Twitter (erratically) at twitter.com/AlanaHouse and visit her blog where she writes much more often at: housegoeshome.com
Are you juggling after-school care with a job? How do you handle the insanity?
Comments
129 Comments so far
Um sorry if you choose to have more than one child and work more than a couple of days a week it will be hard …. Did you not realise that ? That is just a cold hard FACT !!
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OMG! So relevant that I’ve read this today! I’ve just gone back to work 3 days a week and initially, I felt great. Felt kids were OK going to creche and after hrs care at school…managing to get things done around house to.
But now I feel that instead of getting a bit of ME back, I’ve created a whole new level of dissatisfaction.
As a SAHM, you can at times envy working mum’s as they get a bit of adult time, use their nogin and wear nice clothes (superficial I know). But I know some working mums think the reverse. Seems we’re our own worst enemies!!!
I know my kids are fine in care, but just can’t resolve the whole ‘mother guilt’ thing…I think this exercise has made me really understand what it is I want to be doing and that is being at home with the kids.
I know I’m lucky that our family can make that decision, as there are plenty of other mums who need to work to provide for their family.
But it isn’t easy and it does create huge amounts of anxiety for some of us. In the end though, we should embrace the decisions we make – be it SAHM, part time SAHM / worker or full-time worker. Because in the end, we are all mums first and foremost and our love and commitment to our beautiful children is exactly the same, regardless of the time spent with or away from them.
Gosh, that feels so much better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!!!
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So so so true. Baby number two arrived recently, and our only major expense on her behalf? The services of a lactation consultant. We run a very tight ship so we can exist on one income, but it’s crucial to us that one parent is home.
God, I miss work, though.
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People say they HAVE to work for financial reasons. For those that work to buy bread and milk, we yeah that is true. But if you HAVE to work for ‘financial reasons’ to buy luxuries, like holidays and the best of everything…well then…sorry I dont feel sorry for you. We have become so materialistic, that we really dont know what it is really like to HAVE to work for financial reasons in a lot of cases. So you have to go back to work 4 months after bub is born? But you bought a Bugaboo and A Booiri cot!!! Well buy cheaper ones and have another month at home!!!
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How very short-sighted, anonymous. It’s not merely a matter of wanting a bugaboo or a boori cot. Putting your entire career on hold for longer than the approved maternity leave will often be akin to ending your career, thereby placing your own and your family’s financial future under undue pressure. Life is not as black and white as you suggest by your anonymous judgement.
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This is a traumatic read – and nothing like my (and I’m sure many others) experience!
Again I find myself commenting on a article on this site with the words: This is NOT the reality for ALL parents!!
My kids are in care 2 days a week and they love it. I love it too as it allows me to work, which allows me to strike a balance between being Mum and being my professional self.
The centre is just over the hill from where I work, even closer to where my partner works and both kids are in the same centre. Sure there are times when it’s toast in the car for breakfast – but hey that never killed anyone.
Perhaps parental expectations need to be more realistic?
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Yeah, I’m with you. I wrote a comment yesterday about how much my daughter loves her family day care but it wasn’t approved.
But, basically, she’s never shed a tear – quite the opposite. We arrive at her carer’s house and she tears off down the hallway to hug and kiss said carer and her family day care ‘sisters’. She loves it, so I am happy to leave here there. I can’t speak highly enough about our experience so far.
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KDot loves day care too – she used to bung it on when we got there, but would settle down and be fine when I left. Now I have to chase her to say goodbye!
She has loved both centres we’ve been at, but loathed FDC. I canned that pretty quickly cause it was no fun for anyone. Loves the centres though – I think she prefers having lots of stuff available and lots of kids and carers around rather than just a couple of kids and one carer.
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My little boy started both Family Day Care and at a Long Day Care Centre at 19 months. He never cried at FDC. He cried for 3 hours straight the first two weeks at LDC and even after that never got past 1.30 before they’d get me to come and pick him
up. I’d love an update about the research into under twos. I think at that age they really need a strong bond with a carer and other kids and not to be one of many.
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I am so happy that I am a teacher – my son comes to school with me and comes home with me. We have plenty of school holidays together to get lots of quality time together and although I do work from home almost every night, I am home with him by 4:30pm after his after school activities.
Reading these stories makes me realise how lucky I am.
I am pregnant at the moment and live in Peru, where it is affordable and the norm to have a nanny. Thank goodness as I don’t think I could face going back to work after only 3 montsh of maternity leave if it meant leaving bub at a day care centre. I did that with my first son, but it was very stressful and I applaud the mums and dads who really make it work. it is tough.
Perhaps more companies need to have onsite creches – it would be great if more office buildings provided this service. I think there needs to be more thinking outside the box by the government on how to rectify the cost of childcare and the stress it places on family lives in Australia.
In Peru it is law that companies of a certain size have a room for women to pump milk etc. Perhaps companies of certain sizes should be required to provide a creche to their workers – men and women to make use of. There MUST be better answers out there.
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I went back to work after my first at 4.5 months because that was my leavd allowance. I also loved my job. But when i returned it was very different. I felt like i was failing in my job & failing as a mum. Guilt from all angles. I left my job when my first child was about 1.5 y/o. This was a difficult time as again i did not know how to make this work. After my second im now working part time & life is busy & challenging. But i feel like i am doing what is right for me & in turn what is right for my kids & family. Whatever path your mothethood journey takes you on as mum you will always work harder than you have in your life to get it right. Thats what makes us amazing. Not what we achieve but that we get up & try so hard every second of the day to be the best we can be with the hand we have been dealt. We need to admire mums for our differences & not judge. We judge ourselves enough.
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I’m going to have a bit of a whinge here: why the hell has after school care gone up to $25 each per afternoon for max of 3 hrs?? All I want is to have them minded till I can get there, not being educated & stimulated in key learning areas. Why do they feel that they have to be as educating to the children as daycare centres? The kids have just spent 6 hrs at school getting that. Geez!
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Its in regard to the way centers are funded now, the government requires them to be “early learning” my small family friendly held off as long as possible before becoming early learning which pleased me as I just wanted my one year old to have fun and be safe…seemed reasonable to me!
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Why can’t learning stuff be fun? Kids are learning all the time anyway – everything’s new and interesting and fun!
Learning doesn’t necessarily equal boring rote stuff.
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Janelle, while I understand your point about spending six school hours ‘learning’ I would assume the costs are likely to be for facilities, staff, and afternoon tea for your child. I respect that the provider is likely to make a profit for all children who attend the after school care service, there is always going to be a cost.
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….and for years I was the child carer waiting for late parents to pick up their children….late….so I could go home to my own children….
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I’ve worked it out and by the end of the year I will have been using some form of childcare/after school care for 23 years. Everything from part time to full time to shift work hours. From day care centre to family day care to informal day care. That’s enough to do your head in.
The women who work full time with small kids, I admire them (while thinking them slightly insane, but I know some may need to), but it hasn’t been for me. The stress levels were too much. Me being part time has worked well in our family and just as importantly we can afford it.
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I loves this story, unti I got to the bit that said ‘ my child couldn’t read when they started school and went on to say how much better off she is not working’
I have always worked , my 7yo is well adjusted, well mannered and at the top of his class for reading. When he was little my job was demanding and long hours. Now he is at school , I have work for a company tha is family friendly and flexible.
I would love to write about how great (and rare) companies like that are
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I work for a similar sounding company. My husband the opposite.
Its amazing the loyalty you feel for a company that is family friendly and allows flexible working hours.
I love my job and work school hours, its perfect. They understand if I need time off for a sick child, school holidays and even events they have at school often.
I get the workload done and thats all my boss wants.
My husband struggles to have his boss understand why he needs a day off if our child is sick.
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Unfortunately Ali, that is the truth for some families. I did parent volunteer work at my childrens school once a week. I was assigned a child to listen to read one on one for the whole term. His reading age was well below what it should have been. He was always tired because he wasnt getting home until late because his parents worked long hours, and they had little or no time for help with his homework. The other kids in the program were in similar situations. When a family who is very over stretched and time poor have a child requiring extra help with basic skills it is a reality that their education will suffer without extra help from school or one of their parents having to cut back. I’m just happy that I was available to help this little boy and I know that I have helped to make a difference to his education.
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I loved the movie though, i was really happy with that ending, messy but way more hopeful (if a bit cheesey)!
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Me too! I think that is the only movie that I have actually preferred to the book! I thought it was so great and really highlighted that there are other solutions than “Mum quits work, everyone happy”.
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This article makes me sad, as does the thought of childcare as a necessary component of many childrens’ young lives in order for parents to pay the bills. Isn’t it a shame that babies’ names are placed on multiple childcare waiting lists while still in-utero? A mother hasn’t even met her child before the need to consider outsouring its care is addressed. (I say this from personal experience, and not from a high-and-mighty position.) Isn’t it a shame the juggling act of many mothers’ is not enjoyed, but endured? I would love to not have to think about this topic ever again, but alas, it’s not to be for my generation. My own mother despairs at how things are these days for women, and try as I might to explain how life is different (mortgages based on double incomes, not single, etc), I wonder what’s in store for our children’s children given how much has changed since the 70s and 80s and the pressure for women to be, and have, everything all at once as mothers. Sure, we can have it all (thanks, Feminism), but do we really WANT it all?
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I think it is sad that working parents are finding it so stressful to balance work and family as aptly described by the writer.
I find it incredibly sad also that many commenters in Mamamia in the past, seem to point to the working decisions of mothers as being motivated simply by financial reasons (paying the bills etc), and/or to self-actualize in their chosen career path (as implied in the term ‘having it all’). It is often forgotten
to state the obvious that working mothers contribute to society, humanity, science, economy, the arts, etc.
I am thinking of working more days, and I have been trying to explain to my young children that I don’t work just because we need to buy things or so we could go for a holiday. Instead, I would like myself and my children to believe that my work is valuable to others: in taking my time away from my
family, I do like to think that my research is useful, and that my students would walk away with something useful for their lives.
Cheers to less mother’s guilt!
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Well said Katz! What we do at work contributes more than dollars and self-satisfaction. Not only does work outside the home enhance society, but it teaches our children the value of hard work & in my case, a mother who feels good about her week.
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What a wonderful comment! That is so true that there are other reasons for working and I am guilty of glossing over them. Love the perspective.
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Katz, I see your point and have no doubt that your work is valuable to others. However, for me and the majority of my working mother friends, money is the primary reason for returning to the workforce with young children. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m a good mother, and I’m not afraid to admit that either. I worked hard BM (before motherhood) and am now able to freelance two days per week. While it is an added benefit for me that I enjoy what I do, the only reason I work is to make money. I don’t believe working makes me a better mother, or any more of a contributing member of society, than if I didn’t work at all.
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Katz, you have just articulated this so well – thank you!
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For those of us who have no choice but to work and aren’t lucky enough to find part time work, or around school hours guilt is our favourite friend. I applaud the writer, she is telling how it can be, what it’s like in this crazy world of parenting and yet seems to be getting more criticism than support. Yes feeding your kids dinner in the back seat of the car is not ideal but she was trying and no doubt carrying the guilt with her every day. We all try our best it should not be a war about who is doing better, part time, stay at home or full time working mum, whether you choose to work or have to work, why is it that in todays day and age we still continue to put other mums down if they don’t fit the superhero status we all think we should be. Maybe it’s time we stop judging and start being a little more supportive of each other after all it’s our imperfections that make us try to be a better person!
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Guilt is such a wasted emotion, and yet we women seems to wallow in it constantly!
My husband dropped our little one at kindy this week and when he came home, he was disappointed that she had run off to play with toys the minute they arrived. “She didn’t even give me a kiss!” he complained. It was his first time dropping her off in a couple of months, back when she was still crying and clinging each drop off.
But I’m thrilled! Six months in, we’re finally at a point where she loves going to daycare twice a week (what’s not to love.. crafts, painting, cars, loads toys, kiddie friends, singing, books.. it’s better than helping mum hang out the laundry at home!). It’s definitely helped me to downgrade my mum guilt on my work days
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On the fee for being late thing, i have to say that as a kindergarten teacher who has to release the children to an identified adult, it does my head in the parents/carers that come late, often regularly (i have a mum who is 20 minutes late every day) that they don’t even walk in and apologise and make some sort of excuse. I understand that things happen and people run late…. but basic manners are appreciated!! Wish i could charge for over time!!!
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One time at work I got a call from the kindy teacher to let me know my day care mum hadn’t picked her child and mine up. I talked to my oldest daughter and she went to the kindy, but because she was 3 months shy of 18 they wouldn’t let her take my daughter and asked if I would release her to my daycare mums friend, who was a stranger. I refused and my daughter (17 year old) went to the daycare mums house and banged on the door.
I know it was a bit off the point, but she was an identified adult as she was turning 18 that year and I was a bit confused as to why they thought I should send my child off with someone she or I didn’t know in preference to her sister.
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that incident was probably just as frustrating for them. they would most likely have loved to release your child to her sister but the law is the law and if anything had happened to your younger child the staff who let her go would have been liable.
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Alana, you should freelance! You’re a journalist! You could make great money as a freelancer (and when you work from home you get lots of great tax deductions). It’s the only way I can make it work, as a working mum and a a writer – going back to an office job would be such a struggle now. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to.
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What is so frustrating is that it is so unnecessary.You know, we actually need to start politically organising on this stuff. Not only is it desperately hard for the parents, our kids are going through the most formative years of their lives with stressed, tired, cranky parents.
Our society is so wealthy, but we completely shortchange probably the single most important thing in life. Having toddlers can be the best thing in life, and it can also be the most stressful and miserable if you are having to live like this.
If I had to put together a political manifesto on this I reckon it would have 4 starting points.
1) Most office jobs can be telecommuted
(there are as many hours between 9-12 at night as 9-12 in the morning, being able to work when it suits is crucial)
2) Different models of the standard work day
(many of us would be better off having mornings home with the kids, a few hours of meetings in the office in the middle of the day, and doing the bulk of our work when the kids are asleep.)
3) Childcare models and locations
4) Encouraging regional centre living, to get away from the big city commutes.
What would you add?
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I’ve suggested when the PM and Minister Kate Ellis have been here before: Fund daycare as part of the education budget.
Attach it to primary schools.
Treat it as the necessity it is rather than the luxury it is treated as at the moment, so that everyone can access it in the same way we send our kids to school. This would stop the ridiculous waiting lists (2+ years for under 2s around Wollongong, so names down when you’re thinking about getting pregnant if you’re going to need it!) and everyone would be able to afford it rather than the convoluted system in place now where people who receive subsidies are looked upon with contempt by those who don’t receive them.
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You’re assuming that most of us work in an office job which might offer that flexibility. In any service or customer focussed job, your presence is very important. If you’re a childcare worker, a nurse, a doctor, a chef, you can’t pick and choose the times that suit you or arrange your hours to fit in with your children’s needs. There are just times you MUST be there, and there’s no taking your home with you.
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What about sleep?
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Most kids are reading at some level by year 1. It’s an issue of they are not reading at all. I imagine by having zero time to read aloud with her child and practise with her, her child was behind the rest of the class. I call this an issue.
I think she herself recognises it as an issue.
“I was shocked to discover Child 1 couldn’t read when she started year one. Somehow I thought it would miraculously happen despite me never having time to focus on it.”
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I returned to work when my baby was 6 months old and it was an incredibly stressful experience, even though I only returned to work 3 days a week. My commute to work was almost 2 hours each way so I wasn’t picking bubba up until almost 7pm and she was falling asleep before I could get her into her pyjamas. I can’t tell you how awful it was waking her up each morning at 5.30am.
When I fell pregnant again I knew I couldn’t return to that particular job, yet financially I needed to work and couldn’t find anything locally. I am now a qualified Family Day Care Educator so I have the best of both worlds as I get to stay home with my girls while earning an income looking after other children at the same time.
I love my job and I know first hand how difficult it can be for parents so I try and make the experience as pain free as possible! I had a parent ring in a panic this afternoon as her car battery was flat and she was going to be late (almost an hour). I’m sure a day care centre would have charged for the extra time but as I work from home it didn’t effect my evening routine so I won’t charge for it.
Most people don’t consider Family Day Care when looking at day care options but we’re a lot cheaper (I only charge $4.75 p/h), it’s a home environment, which some parents prefer and a lot of carers are more flexible than you would find at a Day Care centre.
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$4.75 an hour?! Where are you?! I use FDC (you guys are awesome!) and even at $8ph I thought it was a bargain – but your rates are incredible!
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Illawarra Family Day Care. When I started their recommended rate was $4.75 so that’s what I charge. At their annual meeting in July they decided to increase fees to $5.50 but I’m still debating whether to increase or not.
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Illawarra Family Day Care. When I first started their recommended fee was $4.75 p/h and even though they have just recommended an increase in fees (to $5.50) I haven’t raised mine.
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We have 3 FDC ladies in my suburb & they’re all awesome. They back each other up if one is sick, for eg. Others I’ve known have been shockers. One used to spend half her day on the treadmill, and other days I’d pick up my sons & she’d re-painted a room.
Don’t under-value your time just because you work from home. Although I would take into account the affordability for the particular families you’re dealing with.
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FDc is fantastic. I love it and my little girl feels safe & secure there. Good on you
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I went to Family Day Care as a kid and I loved it. It was a wonderful experience.
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I start at 7am and finish at 3 and I walk out the door without a shred of guilt. I couldn’t care less about leaving early, I served my 8 hours!
Child care drop off though?? SO MUCH GUILT! Until I sneak back to the window 2 minutes later to see my son running around with a massive smile on his face – then I feel fine.
Seriously guys, you have to do the ‘sneak back’ to the window, it will make you feel so much better
X
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*meals not beaks
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I quite liked the article – although I didn’t really expect to after reading the title. When I saw the heading with the words “the parents are stuffed” I assumed it would be a *mummy wars* article, so I almost didn’t click on it, thinking it would be criticism of working mums. I’m happy that wasn’t the case, but I think the title is a just little close to the line (especially in light of the new comments policy). Perhaps this title could be rethought?
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I think the headline “Parents are stuffed” is either a reference to the fact parents are tired, or that parents are the ones most impacted. Or both
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That’s quite a sad story. Maybe living in a regional city makes life a hell of a lot easier, but I love being a working mum. I’m grateful for excellent childcare, stimulated by a part time career I love and loving every minute with the kids. Surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t find the experience horrible? Combining work and family has made me happier than anything else so far in life.
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Ellen I think you’ll find the difference is part time. Full time = stressful; Stay at home = boring; Part time = perfect for everyone. IF … you can get it.
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Penster, I think you will find many stay at home parents make sure its not boring and happily choose to do this as its the best option for their family. I think its sad you dismiss it as boring.
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Being a stay at home Mum is not for everyone – sure. After many years in a high pressure executive job I have absolutely loved every minute of my time at home with our children. I have been lucky enough not to have to work and I feel very grateful for that.
In my view our children are young for such a short time, I value every precious day while they are little. As a stay at home Mum I have had made sure I have had a really fulfilling life, plenty of social outlets and a whole lot of new experiences, definitely never boring!
I tend to think of it as a short term as once the kids are at school I’ll have time to get back into work/study etc.
Boring? Not in my experience but I suppose we’re all different…
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I feel exactly the same, very happy part-time working mum, enjoy every minute I have with my kids, I appreciate that I have a great work/life balance. You are not the only one.
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I too live in a regional city and thankfully don’t experience half the stress listed in this article and I work full time with two kids and a husband that works full time as well. Reading this reaffirms what I already know – I’m glad I don’t live in a big city or have a high pressure job.
Don’t get me wrong, life is not a picnic and my time management skills are certainly put to the test some weeks, but I’m home each day with kids collected by 4:30. I hope you don’t have to go back to that line of work either Alana, you poor thing x
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I know a long commute would probably take a great deal of the joy out of my family’s routine. I can pretty much count on either my husband or I being at our childcare centre five minutes after finishing work, then home in the same time. Obviously the career opportunities can be a bit more limited in the country, but in a decently sized town the lifestyle is awesome.
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This sort of article (footnote not at the foot: I’m not a parent) makes me feel like there is a whole niche out there for child care located IN business districts? I understand that the thought of travelling to work with the kids could be daunting but if more parents had parking, then it wouldn’t be such a stress. I know all the head honchos get parking but do they REALLY need it? Or couldn’t an office building include half a floor for day care/creche type situation?
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There is Childcare located in Business districts…it is just impossible to get into..
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The problem with that solution is then you have children locked in office buildings all day with very little grassy playing areas, which isn’t ideal. For me personally I also wouldn’t want to put my child through a commute into the city, its bad enough for the parents, without subjecting the little ones to it.
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My experience has been very different to the writers. Not everyone has such a bad time with guilt, running late, sneaking out of the office & car accidents! Your description of late finishes & dinner in the car would turn anyone off crèche but it doesn’t have to be like that!
I think as parents we need to accept that something has to give. I loved my pre-kids career with its long crazy hours and insane stress but after having my first child I knew I couldn’t go back to that. We might love that career and not want to step away but only you can determine if it’s worth the impact on your family. Working a 10/12 hour day is exhausting for an adult let alone a young child.
While on leave with my first bubs I was lucky to find a job that suited my family. It was a drop in pay & a step backwards but with the part time hours & 20 minute travel (prev 3 hours a day) it worked for us. I’m now in a great position working school hours. With crèche costs for the younger ones I’m not much ahead dollar wise but that will balance out once they are at kinder/school.
My career has taken a different path but I’m happy and my kids love their playschool days. They love their friends and carers and I love my grown up time.
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If you can afford it, many uni students work part time picking kids up from after school care, getting dinner started and the kids settled.
I’m a medical student and we all have working with children clearances and first-aid, and many of us love kids! Getting students to help you out can help ease a lot of the afterwork stress.
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Thanks for the tip…
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i have done the childcare run for nine years, twice-a-day, three times a week (and for 4 years, I had two different centers to get to, plus a 5minute dash to the car, a 10km drive in peak-hour traffic to do- all in 30minutes.)
My male co-worker does it once a week, and each time, it’s like he expects father-of-the-year awards when he explains that he can’t be at a meeting on time. What a hero…
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35 years ago in Newcastle the council provided a list of names of people who would child mind in their homes. The council supervised (did spot checks) and provided a play group which was organised so that a group of these child minding mums had a special “day”.
Thus my children went to the same woman, made friends with another group of children ( in this case the woman who minded them did so because she had small children). There was a limit of 5 children in the home.
I made friends with my children’s child minder, as my children grew up they kept in contact with their “nanny’s” children. They started with her from 4 months on, and even when they went to pre school she would take them.
My children have grown up and there has not been any damage ( as far as we can see) but I liked the more personal manner of my child minder. Then again I paid a lot of my wage towards this service. I decided that at the end of it all I would still have a career that I could follow for the rest of my working life, so didn’t mind paying for the service
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This article is great timing. As someone in the early stages of deciding when we ideally want to start our family, this fills me with fear! Made worse by a husband who responds to the daycare dillema with ‘everyone else does it so it can’t be too hard’ which is far too dismissive! I admire parents who manage to keep each aspect of their life functional (even if some sneaking out of the office ‘early’ is necessary). Like some of the other posters, family help isn’t an option and added to that, I work in a field which tends to have roles concentrated in the CBD so long commute necessary unless we get another hellish mortgage. I just feel so hopelessly ‘stuck’ and like a complete failure that as someone who is reasonably ‘successful’ i.e. happy relationship, good job, good health – I am still not in a position to make my life effective with children. I know I wouldn’t cope with trying to do it all and yet I really want a child……
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I went back to work after my baby was just over three months, one because of the money two because I need to have a life outside the house to make me more balanced. If you find the right centre it can be very easy.
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Hardest job in the world being a working parent.
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Actually I think the hardest job of all is a full time stay at home mum! when I did work part time, my work days were the least stressful during the week I basically would come home, feed dinner, my DD was so worn out that she would be in bed early too.
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Part-time work is the best of both worlds. Full time work is definitely the hardest – you have all the work and responsibilities of parenting, plus, you know, your full-time job to do. The lack of time is very difficult.
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Omg I can so relate, this is exactly how child care is! Its one big necessary stress that never seems to get any easier lol! Second child in I have made a firm deal with myself that I will not work five days a week again. I’m currently working two & contemplating three. Eek! Kids are happy though
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Oh this is perfect timing – I took my 1 year old to her first child care orientation today and have been an emotional wreck all day – and yes she’s fine!
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So true! The reason I didn’t have a third child was because I couldn’t bear to do any more daycare. Could not bear any more double/triple drop offs. Could not bear the frantic mornings to get everyone dropped off so I could be at work on time.
Employers are getting better but we still need more understanding. Nine years ago, I had my pay docked (as a teacher) when I took an afternoon off to care for my sick child. For years after that I would hide my children’s illnesses and would claim I was sick when they were. Now I’m a bit more open and my new school is more understanding.
However, I’m home today claiming they’re sick when really their school decided to have two school closure days back to back (Why??) To cover it, my husband took a flexi day and I took a sick day. Sigh. The irony is that I’ve got a cold firing up and I’ll now feel too guilty to take a sick day for myself later this week…
I cannot believe it’s still this hard to manage, even though my kids are both in primary school now. I just thank my lucky stars my kids are extremely healthy – I would never have coped otherwise. Without family support we’re very vulnerable
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Feeling very glad I’m not a working mother. We tried it when our eldest was only a year old and by the end of the year when we calculated it out at tax time ,, I’d earnt nothing after childcare, fuel etc were taken out. We made the decision then for me to stay home until all our children are at school. Anything else is not financially viable, nor the best option for our kids.
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I looked at a F/T job on an awesome wage (for my quals) and I would come home with $270/wk after childcare, tax, & fuel were taken out. Hardly worth the massive disruption to the family. Turns out I wasn’t offered it, which was good because it would’ve been a hard decision to make when I’ve been trying to get into that industry for 15yrs.
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A realistic option for many families is an au pair.
An au pair is like a live in Nanny, but she / he is a young person on cultural exchange from another country.
An au pair only costs $150 a week + all meals and a room in the family home. They work 35 hours!
Having an au pair means that mum / dad can either go back to work earlier / for more hours or even full time.
You don’t have to rush to drop off the children, or pick them up, and you can get home with the house all clean and tidy, dinner cooked, and your child has been played with, or having done painting, reading, sport or whatever…
It is a shame that more families don’t know about the cost effectiveness of having an au pair.
We have had many au pairs and we loved it so much we started our own au pair business – http://www.thebestaupair.com
Whether you use our website or not – if having an au pair interests you, you should seriously look into it…
Good luck!
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I am not sure how it works in Australia , I can only talk about my experience from UK .Au pairs should only work up to 25 h per week plus some evening babysitting , family usually covers English course of the Au pair as well . They can’t look after small children(less then 2 years) either as they do not have enough experience. I’m sorry but ,what you are talking about sounds like some sort of cheap labor.
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Have to agree here, Mon.
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We have an au pair. It’s the only way we can cope both working as doctors with unpredictable finishing hours – which unfortunately happen in our career regardless of whether you work one day a week or many. It means we can leave our child in bed when we leave the house for early ward rounds to get up at a more reasonable hour before our au pair takes him to school. She gets the day free before bringing him home and spending time with him until we get home. She will bring him to the hospital to meet us for lunch if he is on school holidays. She doesn’t need to cook or clean and only looks after our kid when we’re working. We pay her a weekly wage and look after her in every other respect. It’s like having a younger sister living with us, and we all love it. The rules you’re talking about above (e.g. not being able to look after <2yo), don't apply in Australia as it is not a regulated industry. Each family makes up their own arrangements with their individual au pair. I haven't used the agency advertised above, but can certainly say that having an au pair works perfectly for us. It is absolutely not some sort of cheap labour for our family or any other family we have known about. I am sure there is the possibility of someone trying to take advantage of these (mostly) young ones (who are mostly on gap years from uni and looking to experience life in another culture), but I could not see the benefit of having an underpaid/under-appreciated person living in your house. It certainly wouldn't make for the happy, relaxed and flexible home life that most parents appreciate. The only down side for us has been the attitudes of some, who have implied we have an au pair to avoid taking care of our own child or because we are over-the-top wealthy – neither of which could be more ridiculously untrue!
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Hi Lulu, I think having an Au pair can defiantly work for both parties. Like I said tho telling someone to work basically full time for $150 plus food and accommodation it is simply not right in my view. Au pairs are absolutely great idea.
I had an au pair few years ago myself. I understand the industry is unregulated in Australia but, we should still treat people fairly.Being desperate for a childcare should not be an excuse.
Cheers
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A little off topic, but I’m wondering how productive these long working hours are when people are working to 7pm. How productive are those last few hours? I’m only wondering as I have friends that often have a drink or two at lunch meetings and then work until 7pm. I really do wonder how efficiently they work in the afternoon.
Do parents that leave at 5pm get as much done as those who leave at 7pm because they are aware of the time restrains, while those that leave at 7pm are stretching out the time so that they don’t leave first, or are they working at least 10 hours more a week. I would really like to know.
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So true Jack. I worked with a guy who was always flapping around in a stressed rush. He worked late every night and often came in on weekends. He looked busy and everyone thought he was. Until he resigned and he was replaced by a working mum. She was so efficient on her working hours 9-5 and no weekends, she actually managed to move the position to part-time, hours of her choice. And she was doing exactly the same job!
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Alana, you are far from alone in feeling the guilt and anguish- i hear about it regularly from parents.
It is one of the reasons that our Government and all of the State and Territory Governments agreed on reforms to lift the quality of our early childhood services. Through increased staffing numbers and more training on how to get the best out of children we are hoping to have happier children and parents alike- and give parents the piece of mind to know that no matter what service they choose they are now covered by the same rules and checks.
Wish i had a silver bullet to make it all better but weare working very hard at it.
Have loved reading the comments here.
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hi Kate, can we please look at paying for child are from our pre-tax dollars, like they do in the UK? some centers are chargin upwards of $135 a day and the current rebate doesn’t cover more than 20% of child are costs if you’re a full-time worker.
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You might be working hard on the reforms but you could do more to halt the sky rocketing costs. Every improvement you talk about comes with a shining fee increase. Hearing the anguish from parents isn’t the same as living it and I really I wish our Ministers and leaders could talk from experience, because although you mean well you don’t actually get it.
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I know this is a different opinion to have but, why are you all staying past 5pm to start with?
You only need to work the required amount of hours a day, why are all of you who are working later and longer making it hard on us who only want to work from 9-5?
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Because not all jobs are 9-5 jobs…
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She’s talking about those who do work 9 to 5 yet stay later or sneak out. Why work for free? On the odd occasion yes but not regularly.
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I so get this one – and yet I know I am spoilt. We live o/s, we have a housekeeper who looked after youngest until he joined his brother at an amazing international pre-school last month. It’s 2 minutes from home and they are both thriving. My husband works part-time. So I am not juggling like I will back in Australia, it’s a fabulous experience and it’s cheaper. So why the guilt – because it’s a mum thing and because is that dread that life will change back in Australia when we’ll have a couple years of double drop off and after school care unless we can swing one of us working part-time cause she sure won’t have any help at home. For those that juggle every day – keep up the great work. Our kids will be fine and hopefully we’ll survive too.
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I too am about to be in the same situation as you – I’m living overseas and our housekeeper will be starting soon. My husband is currently at home taking care of our toddler while I work full time, but he will eventually be returning to full time work as well. So our situation is very spoilt as well. But gosh do I still feel guilt! I feel guilty working full time. I feel guilty if I don’t spend every minute on the weekend with my son. I feel guilty if I’m not home in time to do the bath. I even feel guilty that he is not in childcare because he used to love childcare in Australia! There is definitely no end to mummy guilt…
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After recently becoming a Mum and returning to work at 5mths, Im really struggling with how so many of us (working parents) have to manage (with difficulty) through this.
I had a frank conversation with a colleague last week about this (also a working Mum who gets back on the laptop for a few hours each night … until the wee hours ) …. and what we’re really grappling with is why the expectations are so high … I genuinely believe if employers (and our colleagues) took a different view of working parents then life may be a lot better … rather than sneaking out before 6PM, working late etc – we could be seen for what we are at that point – working parents – doing the best for our employer and our family … and knowing that like all cycles, things will shift again in a few months or years.
Why is it so hard to shift our thinking on what the ideal employee looks like ? Until we resolve this, I believe its always going to be a tough gig for parents to balance work and family ….sadly …
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It is a really hard thing. As a person without children, i can only emphathise at the struggle, i have been a nanny so have some insight, but i am aware this is not the same. I think it does need to be a broader societal conversation too though, in that the challenges for working non-parents are also exacerbated by working parents. I can’t tell you how many times i’ve had to finish up a big project or report, usually that i know little about because someone has to stay home with a sick child, or attend some kind of event. It inevitably puts a huge amount of extra pressure on other staff, who may not have children, but also appreciate a bit of work/life balance.
It’s something we all have to get right though, because we all should have a chance to life satisfied, fulfilled lives within society, and the ability to follow our own dreams and goals without all getting in the way of each other!
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Yes, I have been that person dumped with finishing my Managers Project at 4pm because she knew she couldnt meet the deadline and had to leave at 5pm to collect her kids. I was considered the perfect one to finish the job because I was single, no kids. It didnt matter that I had my dads 50th Birthday dinner to attend that night and when I told her that she said that was bad luck, she had to collect her kids.
When her Manager came looking for her and saw that I was finishing it he was annoyed that she hadnt been able to talk to him about the problem and sent me home. Sometimes, I think the sneaking around is all about lack of communication. If you need to leave by a certain time each day, why should that be a secret? Is not like you’re leaving at lunchtime to go and get drunk, you’re leaving after a full days work to collect your children. If your colleagues and managers dont understand that, its probably best to find another job.
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It is really hard, now my 2 are at school it’s gotten better, but it upset me dropping my son at childcare at 7am so I could be at work at 8am, so I could then finish at 5pm so I could get him by 6pm. Having said that though, we moved interstate and my daughters new creche was awesome, so flexible, could pop in extra days just temporarily if needed. One thing I have noticed in House Husbands is the dad getting grief for being part time-seriously, if more dads could do part time it would be more a family matter than a mums matter! I would love it if my husband & I could both work part time but at this stage seems much more likely I will be able to than him. (sorry gone slightly off topic here!)
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I thought of that too – him copping a pasting from his boss, getting dicked over by Gabe – wonder how many women have had the same happen because they’ve done the part time thing? Maybe they’ve set it up with a female boss to highlight how shitty it is??
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Im actually finding the juggle harder now my eldest is at big school. Im a single mum who works 3 days a week. Fnding time for homework,, after school activities, play dates. And it is just going to get worse when #2 starts school!!
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One of the biggest reasons why we decided to have hubby be a stay at home dad when we had our first child was because we/I (!!!) knew that I could not handle the stress of having two people trying to manage the mechanics of our home life in a stress free way eg: bundle kids in and out of cars morning and night, in and out of day care, breakfast, dinner, play dates, shopping, paying bills, laundry etc…Even though we are not as financially well off as most people we know, our home life is relatively calm and relaxed. I am grateful for this.
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I was reluctant to put my son in childcare and drop offs were tough for the first 6 weeks, since then he has been fine and even gets sad when we drive past daycare and don’t drop him off. My husband drops him off and I pick him up, always aiming for 5ish. Despite starting early and being in quite a flexible workplace, I feel terrible leaving early. I’ve had pressure to increase my days and can’t get anymore days at daycare so I have to get a nanny for 2 days a week. Now it will actually cost me money to go to work ($-15 per day), if I don’t increase my days my work will have to “consider the viability of the role”. Pretty crap really.
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I don’t know the situation of your career, family etc, but it would seem that losing money by going to work might mean that perhaps you could say to your work that you are ‘considering the viability of their company’ in your life. Obviously I don’t know how easy it would be for you to find another job, nor how much you love your job, but unless I loved my job so much that I’d be happy to actually pay to go there, I would step back, maybe consider re-training or definitely be looking for a more family friendly workplace.
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I understand where you are coming from NotthatMia, and I know it is often easier said than done to just up and leave and start somewhere new. What an awful situation you have been put in! Hope you get some sort of pay rise….
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Reading articles like this and seeing into other families circumstances makes me realise just how incredibly lucky I am to have a moderately perfect juggling act on my hands as a single Mummy.
I really feel for people who struggle on a daily basis, or who live with undeniable daily guilt, but chances are.. we have all been there. I know I have.
Parenting really is often about trial and error, discovering yours and your child’s personal limits and boundaries. And they are so different for everyone, it is nice to see how different parents manage to “make life work”.
I am a young sole parent, and I am lucky enough to work the hours of 9-3, locally, which allows me for reasonable wake up times, as well as early arvo pick ups with enough time for groceries, friend visits, house cleaning, errand running, park visits etc in the afternoons, without a father in the picture.
My three year old was eased into childcare from about 2years old and took it extremely well. I am so happy she is such a confident, happy little girl and our mother-daughter bond could not be stronger, even though she is a five-days-a-week childcare kid.
Personally, if I was rushing around every afternoon or if my daughter was not coping with childcare and things were too hectic or out of control for me, then I would not hesitate in making some changes. In saying that, though, I hold absolutely zero level of grudges against other working parents with careers and kids. Supporting each other goes so, so far, and sets amazing examples for our children.
I think all parents who do the juggling act daily, week in and week out with little recognition or understanding from others in dissimilar positions, deserve a HUGE round of applause for the balancing act that is life with our beautiful children.
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I sooo did the (other) walk of shame when I was at Channel 9.
I would take my bag and jacket down to the car at lunchtime and hide my keys under the seat.
Then at 5:30, I would pick up my phone and some manilla folders and pretend to be talking while I took the lift to another floor – often going UP first instead of down.
Just to be extra sneaky.
Then I’d crouch down low and scurry to my car and hoon out of the carpark to try and get to pick up one of my kids on time.
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Thats really awful that you felt you had to do that.
It makes me realise how lucky I am working fixed hours (even if they’ve been shift work). I had a manager try to pressure me into working more hours when I’d just moved to part time (4 days a week). I offered to bring in my hyperactive 4 year old former to mind while I worked. Oddly enough, she never tried that with me again.
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What about the children’s father?
Was he unable to help? Seems as though Alana is shouldering all of the burden. I had to read this twice to make sure she was not a single parent. It appears as though she is. What’s his excuse?
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Perhaps because a lot of men are in jobs that are even less flexible that women are in? And even when in the same job its common for men to be given less flexibility by their managers than women to look after their children.
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Or that she is talking about herself and not her husband.
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This is probably true now, but just like women deserve equal pay, men deserve equal right to flexibility…
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Exactly! That is why I posed the question in the first place.
Alana is busting a gut trying to work it all out – is dad busting a gut too? Flexibility in the workplace is not gender based. It is just an unspoken rule that men ‘have’ to stay at work while women do the heavy lifting. I’m sure some men are happy to hide behind this (I say SOME men) so they can dodge all the chaos.
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Its not just an unspoken rule. I’ve had the experience where my wife and I worked at the same place in basically the same job. But the process was much easier for her to negotiate flexible working hours than it was for me. Its not just about leaving early, but also who is allowed to work part time.
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Some fathers may be in jobs where they have to work away for extensive period of time (e.g. Defence Force personnel who may be deployed for a few months straight; or dads who do fly-in fly-out job at minesites). For these families, the mums will unfortunately have to be the one who have to shoulder the burden. Speaking from experience, it is equally tough for these types of dads as it is for the mums. The dads want to help out but are unable to because of their jobs.
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My daughter will begin child care in October,2 days per week this year, moving to 3 days next year. My husband rides a scooter ( much cheaper than a second car) so I will have to be the one dropping off and picking up. Not much we can do,about that. I guess I’m lucky in that even though daycare is the opposite direction to my work, it’s less than a 5 min drive. My drive to work from my place is about 2 minutes away. So it’s all pretty close.
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Ha! Even though I earned more than my now-ex, it was still me who had to do the walk of shame on my work days to leave earlier than everyone else in he office so i could get home to collect kids and cook dinner. It still remains the woman’s ‘job’ in the eyes of many.
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Funny this should be posted today – a lady I work with has three kids and today took the youngest to child care for the first time.
It just really makes me dread having to do the juggling act in years to come.
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I am so blessed in my work and childcare arrangements. I am lucky enough to have a job that doesn’t have set start and finish times. I am also lucky enough to have a job that provides parking and a daycare in the same building as my office. That means I arrive at my building at 755am most days, drop baby off at daycare and am at my desk 5 minutes later. It also means I leave work around 4pm most days and collect baby.
If I had choosen a daycare closer to home rather than work then it would mean that the baby would have been in daycare for more hours during the day and I would have had the stress of being stuck in traffic etc.
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