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Imagine for a moment a person who has grown up in a family where they only ever had pet dogs. Their friends and neighbours had pet dogs… all different breeds, colours and temperaments, but still, fundamentally…. dogs. They all went to the dog park together every afternoon and always had a raucously good time. They had never, ever, ever seen a cat. Not once.
Then one day they stumble upon an adorable looking creature that is cute, furry, has a black wet nose, four paws and whiskers and for all intents and purposes, looks exactly like the type of friendly, willing to please dog they had known and loved all their lives. Its tail is waving to and fro in what is perceived to be a welcoming gesture so they go over, ruffle up its soft fur and attempt to roll it over to scratch its belly, anticipating their affectionate gesture will be delightfully received. Only it’s not a dog, it’s a cat, and their interaction is interpreted very differently. Lets just say, fur will fly… and it will fly furiously.
Welcome to the world of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. A solitary cat, surviving in a room full of boisterous dogs. Its every move being analysed, interpreted and modified based on the framework of rules, behavioural patterns and ingrained habits of the canine species. And as a result, being disastrously misunderstood.
Dogs wag their tails as a sign of happiness and anticipation of social interaction. Cats swish their tails as a warning to back off and give them much needed space. Dogs always welcome affection in whatever way it is offered to them. Cats will also offer heartfelt affection but it needs to on their terms, at a time that suits them. Sometimes they just need to be left alone. Dogs depend on your approval for their emotional wellbeing. Cats depend on certain things being in place in a routine that they can depend on, and will then reward your reliability with their unwavering friendship.
Dogs are inherently social. They are pack animals with deeply entrenched hierarchical rules of canine society and as a result are desperately eager to please, and occasionally challenge, the pack leader. As puppies, they will romp and play delightedly with their litter mates until they fall into an exhausted, but happy heap on top of each other at the end of the day. They rarely turn down an offer of affection and will warmly greet their family with furry hugs and sloppy kisses when they get home.
On the surface, cats may seem more aloof, but cat lovers around the world will be quick to tell you they are always keenly observing every detail and will reward those who take the time to understand them with warmth, affection, loyalty and love. Dogs are less discriminating in whom they shower with their boundless love, and this is part of their universal appeal, but it is a trait that cats simply don’t understand … or tolerate. Their love needs to be earned.
Dogs enthusiastically learn new tricks and are keen to show them off to gain further approval. Cats have extraordinary agility and mysterious extra-sensory skills… but will only display them when the circumstances dictate they are necessary. They need to be coaxed out and encouraged or will remain hidden forever.
Cats may not always look you in the eye, but they can see straight into your soul and will quietly commune with you while you process the problems of your world. Dogs will sense your unhappiness but may not fully understand it, so will entice you to capture some of their perpetual joy by grabbing their lead and making you take them for a walk to cheer you up. Their destination may be the same … but their journey could not be more different.
If you whistle for a cat to come to you, try to wrangle a leash onto its collar, drag it outside for a walk and hope it will thank you for letting it romp around the dog park …then you are both doomed to crumple in a heap of confused despair. Simply said, cats are wired differently to dogs. They are not better or worse. Just different.
So if you want to understand my child with Asperger’s Syndrome, try to think of her as a cat in a room full of dogs, and you will be a lot closer to coaxing out her unique gifts, helping her understand social behavior that she may otherwise find bewildering, and maybe in time her gorgeous, eager to please peers will gain a greater appreciation of the grace, beauty and uniqueness that bestows her, just like her feline doppelgänger.
The writer of this post has chosen to remain anonymous to protect the identity of her daughter.
How do you react when you see a child “misbehaving” in public? Do you automatically judge the child’s parenting skills or do you stop to consider whether the child may have a hidden disability?
Comments
131 Comments so far
What a beautifully put post.
I used to be very judgemental when I saw children misbehaving in public, then 13 years ago my cousin came into out lives, and introduced us personally to Autism, in the form of PDD-NOS.
Given that I am often out and about with her, and at my age could easily be her mother, it’s often assumed I’m her mother when she gets upset in public. Especially now that I usually have my 4yr old daughter with me.
I get judgemental looks, nasty comments and, very occassionally, help from well-meaning strangers (who usually turn out to have a different kid themselves). I usually am too busy trying to get her to calm down and focus to give a flying f%^k, but have on occasion snapped at a total tool who crossed the line, “She’s autistic, what’s your excuse?”.
Now when I see a child “misbehaving” in public, I give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they have a diagnosis, maybe they are just having a bad day, either way, who the hell are we to judge. I find a sympathetic smile and and offer to mind the baby while they go chase after their bolting child is the way to go. =D
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I am a karate instructor and often work with Asperger’s and Autistic children. They are different. I agree you do have to treat them diffently, somewhat. However it isn’t always so simple, as I single 19 year old instructor trying to keep control over a boistrous class of 15 to 20 children, majority being boys, it is very hard to do so. Also some of the Asperger’s children don’t want to be treated differently, as they deprately want to be the same as every one else…
If any one can give me some adivce on working with Apergers or Autistic children please let me know! I like to learn as much as I can to be the best instructor and mentor I can.
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Kids with autism and aspergers generally work well with routine and rules. They like to know what is ‘coming next’ and what is expected of them. Visual cues also work well so in your situation I would look at developing and sticking to a class routine ie. Arrive, warmup, exercise 1, exercise 2, sparring, cooldown, hometime etc. You could have the routine written on a wall with pictures (if the kids can’t read) as well as the class rules. Kids with autism/aspergers can also have certain sensory sensitivities (eg noise, visual stimulation etc) so they can be distressed if there is excess stimulation in their environment. look out for noisy fans, high pitched noise, bright/flashing lights etc. Hope this helps!
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What helpful info. So simply put, but something we could all remember when we are dealing with kids who have Autism. I have a boy in my childs reading group who I have been finding a challenge. I am going to apply this on Wednesday, Thanks!
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This is great. Thank you!
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Well said
Ah, and always give an example of the motion you need them to do. When you say “jump”, an autistic kid will think “how high? On both legs or one? just one time or keep jumping and if so for how long?” etc 
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Your state autism provider probably holds free seminars about autism, maybe you could go along to one of those? They have different topics, I’m sure some of them could help.
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Ok, thanks
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Such a well written article. It’s a great way to think of Asperger’s children. I have a 4 year old son, we have always known he has quirky little behaviours and know what special things to do for him to manage him now. He is not naughty, but likes things done his way – e.g, our normal routine. It’s only when we deviate from this that we run into problems. I don’t mind putting all of his dinner on the same plate, the same way every night. So, why should I be criticised for it? It’s only in the last couple of weeks that his kindergarten teachers mentioned having him tested for Asperger’s. It’s all very new and a bit overwhelming to tell you the truth. But I love your article and am grateful you took the time to write it.
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My son was recently diagnosed, and he is in prep this year, but his kinder teacher started the ball rolling. For me, I didn’t know we were heading towards an asperger’s diagnosis at the end of it, but just knew from early on my son always seemed to react to situations differently to other children. It is a struggle to come to terms with it, I still am, but I’m thankful we can get the help and support we need now. Goodluck
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I know it’s still extremely difficult for children and adults who have been diagnosed with Aspergers’ to be just accepted for themselves and known on that basis. But, I think things are changing ever so slowly. Even just because diagnoses are on the increase and so many more people know about it from first hand. We hear about it more, we understand children’s behaviour from that perspective more.
There is a little boy with Aspergers in my daughter’s choir. The leaders are fantastic. And the kids haven’t been informed specifically, but they follow the lead of the leaders – they know that L just doesn’t like to do certain things or is happy with sitting by himself sometimes.
I’m sure it depends on the school and the area.
I have a new friend who I think might be diagnosable, but regardless of that, she just is who she is. She’s really uninterested if things aren’t about her, but not rude about it. She’s very focussed on her particular interests, to the point of boring us silly with it. Everything has to be very ordered and perfect and done the same every day. But that’s who she is. She’s still entertaining, still needs friends, still smiles and says hi. Just couldn’t survive at a party and doesn’t want to hang about chatting once her sandwich is finished and her coffee drunk. In the group she is in, many people act like she’s not really there. They just avoid her. But they’re just as wrapped up in themselves as she is, in a different way.
Anyway. I have hope that your daughter’s life might be different from what it once might have been, and that she will be able to follow her own heart and be accepted for it.
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great work anonymous… anything to help the non ASD people understand what living with ASD is like is great.
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My 11 year old and I both have Aspergers. She was diagnosed as an 8 year old – I was diagnosed at 31 (last year). She’s had the help at school that I never had and attends a school that teaches inclusion and tolerance. I worry about her going into High School next year though – the hardest years of her life socially are about to begin and how she copes is going to shape her as an adult. I went through this experience as a square peg in a round hole (so to speak) and I was pushed, prodded and molded into something that would pass for conformed. She is a beautiful, caring individual – and although I want her to be mindful of the world around her – I truly hope it doesn’t change her too much. School is painful enough without being different before you even begin.
I think it’s not just a matter of being tolerant of children who act out in public though or act ‘differently’. I think it’s also important to be tolerant of those of us on forums who may also view the world in a different way – and maybe don’t have the same quick-witted or savvy responses as the other members. As a society – we are so quick to judge, and it’s easier to strike out at someone faceless on a forum or scoff at their point of view. We’re still real people though, and we still have feelings – and we’re often confused and upset by the reactions we receive sometimes.
We need to be more tolerant of EVERYONE – diagnosed or otherwise.
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dragonflysakura, I’m really hoping that I didn’t offend you last week with my response to your response to my comment.
If I did, I sincerely apologise.
I hope that your daughter can thrive and shine in high school, and that you can help to guide her through with the lessons that you learned.
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Hi Ballerina, I have to disagree, as a child I was relentlessly bullied at school, I was socially awkward, academically gifted and altogether too ‘different’ to be accepted by the other kids. As an adult I discovered that I am am high functioning Aspergers. As a child I knew I was different and it hurt because I wanted to be liked and included by everyone else. I don’t think being labelled as ‘aspergers’ and special would have helped at all, I am sure that it would have become just another angle the kids could use to taunt. I think we are better to teach children tolerance and respect overall, that everyone is different and should be respected as such. Also as a child if I my parents had been aware of my problem I could have recieved assistance in developing the social skills needed to survive in a world full of ‘dogs’ as I have done as an adult. The approach needs to be two sided because although people with aspergers etc have a unique view of the world, they still have to live in that world and as such benefit from assistance in learning the ‘rules of the game’ which in turn helps them to be included. A holistic approach works best.
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Wow what a great way of explaining how those with Aspergers live, I’ve worked with kids with Autism for a few years and I never judge kids misbehaving, I have seen what it’s like for parents who have kids with disabilities and put myself in their shoes.
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My five year old has been diagnosed with Asperger’s a few weeks ago, still trying to understand everything it entails, hence really enjoyed reading the above analogy. Well written.
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Get yourself a copy of the children’s book “All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome”. It was recommended when my daughter was diagnosed and it really helped to explain to her (and indeed a lot of other people in our sphere) what it meant.
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The woman who wrote this has a fabulous website and newsletters too. Her name is Sue Larkey.
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Yes, this is a GREAT book. Sums up exactly the unique nature of my boy in just a few beautiful, funny pages.
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There is also one called “All Dogs have ADHD” so true.
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Thanks for the great suggestions.
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hi my son was diagnosed in march with aspergers and we were told to get in touch with http://www.autismqld.com.au/index.php?page_id=143 this is for qld but i’ve been told its in other states of australia as well, if u apply before there 6th birthday u can get funding of $12,000 a yr until the child turns 7 this can pay for therapies and electronic devices like ipads that will help them learn. Good luck and you’re not alone
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Hi there, we’ve just accessed the FaHCSIA funding for my son who is 3 and a half with ASD. It’s up to $6000 a year until he starts school so $12000 in total. max $2100 a year can be spent on equipment, etc per year and must be ordered through a service provider eg. iPad needs to be done through OT. It’s very helpful but I do worry about how we’ll afford ongoing therapy after the funding expires.
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i know what u mean my sons funding runs out april 2012 so i’m trying to squeeze everything i can out of it while we have it so it can continue to help him, we got an ipad in june and its been amazing for him, my next query will be about Reading Eggs computer program and a laptop so he can slowly catch up to where he’s supposed to be plus he ‘s only at school 3hrs a day so he needs something to do while at home so he’s not just lazing around watching more dinosaur shows
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Thank you I didn’t know all that, I feel so much less overwhelmed to know that such help is available.
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Beautifully written!! But i have a question. Why is it important to protect the identity when we need syndromes such as Aspergers to be more widely understood and accepted. I believe my kids should know who has Aspergers at their school, what it means to have Aspergers and how it makes the child special in their own way – with their own unique talents and abilities…Wouldn’t this help to quell any stigma attached to Aspergers, and mental health issues?
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Yes, it probably would but it needs to be the decision of the individual or family. Everybody is entitled to privacy. Some people don’t want their child labelled and this can be a legitimate concern regarding discrimination etc. They don’t want their child defined by their disability eg a “downsy” (down syndrome), a dwarf, or you could take it further regarding sexuality such as a person who is homosexual is a person who happens to be homosexual as opposed to “a homosexual” ….and so on.
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Ah yes, exactly, it’s a bit like being gay……some adults decide to come out, some don’t, my son has asperger’s and so do I, and i’m not about to out him to all his classmates if he doesn’t feel like telling….it will be his decision.
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I agree with Mabol
I dont much like the sound of wind instruments but Im lovin this Clarinette.
I believe i’m an aspi as we say and I recently diagnosed myself with high functioning autism right in the middle of a mental health assesment witch at the end they told me I had asburgers. Im 25 years old and I Have had major life struggles Basicly felling like a CAT in a dogs world. I think It is not a disorder at all, I see the other lot as disabled, wagging their tales constantly, never being still, really just well being a dog , they dont seem to think much they just are. Cats on the other hand , well u get the jist . I think its very important that all us cats sit up on the wall in a long line and draw some attention. I could go on with this analergy forever lol . but what I mean Is that It needs to be identified early on or the cat will think its a dog and have some issues fitting in then.
Sorry for bad spelling and fragmentation.
P.S Im alergic to Cats is that ironic !
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Again yes, and no. Slightly off topic however; our son has ADHD and is medicated. We have told no-one except his school and Grandparents.
I would love to be upfront; if for no other reason than to rip down any social stigmas. However until he is old enough to really articulate to his peers about this we have chosen to keep it to ourselves.
That said I take every opportunity to discuss this topic, in the hope that prejudices can be taken down – one person at a time.x
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