"My unbirth plan."

I don’t really understand the concept of a birth plan.

I mean, I know why people have one. But, for me, personally, I don’t see why they are such a big deal.

It might be because I have learnt the lesson my baby has been trying to teach me since week six of my pregnancy. I have absolutely no control.

So my birth plan is fairly short:

1. Get the baby out safely.

2. Anything goes wrong, baby stays with dad.

That’s it. I feel like I should submit it to the ‘Genius World Records’ people to see if I win the category ‘Shortest birth plan’.

In saying that, I probably would also win, ‘Longest unbirth plan’. Working for The Motherish, I have come across a lot of different things that go down in that delivery room. I have also heard a lot of things that typically happen in the delivery room since falling pregnant. Which have all lead to “My unbirth plan”.

Disclaimer: If you have any of the below on your birth plan, or had them happen at your birth, that’s great. It’s just not my cup of tea.

1. No mirrors.

From my understanding, the midwife sometimes places a mirror so you can see how far you are dilated. Because at some point (probably in the 11th hour) you don’t believe her when she says you are only five centimetres dilated. There will be no evidence shown to me. I would like to remain naive to the miracles that my vagina can perform.

2. My husband will not cut the cord.

I know it’s tradition. He doesn’t want to do it. I don’t want him to do it. I feel bad taking away jobs from trained medical staff. They can do it.

3. No lotus birth.

Cut the cord.

4. No delayed cord clamping.

Cut the cord.

5. No cord burning.

Cut the cord.

6. There will be no seeding.

This is a new one, so in case you don’t know, for women who give birth via C-Section, some mums are asking for the doctor to take their vaginal fluid and wipe it on the baby. It is supposed to assist with their immune system (the jury is still out on this one). My baby’s immune system will be fine without it thanks.

7. No birth party.

My husband is the only non-medical staff allowed in the room. Friends and family will not be notified I have given birth until it is all over and I give the thumbs up to call them.

8. No doula.

Nothing against doulas.

9. No curtain lowering.

If I have a C-Section, the curtain dividing me from the surgery will remain up. I don’t feel that my birth experience will be made any better by seeing my baby pulled out of my stomach.

10. I will not pull my own baby out.

If I am giving birth solo in my bathroom due to an unforeseen emergency, sure. All other circumstances: my obstetrician or the midwife will be pulling the baby out. Again, I don’t like taking people’s jobs away from them.

11. No placenta pills.

My placenta will not be kept in an ice-cream container to be made into pills or cubes or cookies.

12. No placenta jewellery or frames.

I’m more of a diamond girl anyways. I also prefer IKEA frames.

13. No filming the birth.

Let’s have those lovely hormones, that I’ve heard so much about, just keep the memories I want to keep. No need to relive that one.

14. No half-born baby photos.

Again, I am hoping that I remember the birth a certain way and these photos won’t help one bit.

15. My husband will be go-pro free.

When it is time to go to the hospital… it is TIME TO GO. There will be no strapping of the go-pro to his head.

16. No live social media-ing.

Despite the trend for couples to live tweet, Instagram, Facebook or SMS the birth to their nearest and dearest 200 followers… No. The only people who will know I am pushing is my husband and the people at the hospital. Everyone else can find out at the end.

What was on your unbirth plan?

This post first appeared on The Motherish. You can read the original here.

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