Awks.
Dress? Check. Flowers? Check. Invites? Posted. Anti-invites?
Sorry…. what?
Imagine finding out your friends are getting married, only to receive a don’t-save-the-date card.
Apparently it happens.
There’s a new trend in weddings where happy couples send wedding announcements to the people who didn’t make the cut for their invite list.
Ouch.
The trend is being described as the ‘anti invite’ (or a don’t-save-the-date card) and a recent letter to a Slate magazine advice column confirms its existence.
This is a letter to ‘Dear Prudence…’
Recently I received two separate announcements letting me know that I’m not invited to the wedding of a friend. Apparently, it’s a trend for brides and grooms to tell people who didn’t make the cut that they aren’t going to witness the special day. (Google “How to tell someone you’re not inviting them to your wedding.”) I have no idea how to respond. It seems churlish to say that I’m relieved, but it’s also awkward to admit my feelings were hurt. Please help.
—A Perplexed Nonwedding Guest
Awks.
Sorry. It was just family and friends….
Now, we couldn’t find the anti invite available at any Etsy stores, but a quick Google search of “How to tell someone you’re not inviting them to your wedding” (as suggested by the Perplexed Nonwedding Guest) shows that there’s definitely a market for them.
It looks like the problem of how to tell people they didn’t make the cut is a common one.
So what do you do?
One site suggests blaming the budget if a friend asks why they’re not invited. (Try: “It’s SO hard not to go into debt over this, because of course we want to invite everyone…”). Another suggestion is to use “intimacy” to close comments (Use: “We made the difficult decision to just keep the wedding very small — mostly just close family.”)
As for how you tell them, there’s the one that suggests you call everyone who didn’t make cut. Another suggests an informal, one-on-one chat.
Yes. An informal chat. With everyone that doesn’t get invited?
No wonder they created the anti invite.
What do you think of the idea? How would you tell people they’re not invited to a wedding? How do you choose who gets invited and who doesn’t?
Comments
87 Comments so far
what do I do? my daughter got engaged, knowing I wasnt working, her grandmother is paying for everything, but it was in agreement that I would help out after I got determined that I was perm. disabled, STD were sent out and 3 months before the wedding got a phone call saying since I havent contributed that my whopping family of 21 people had to be uninvited, this being said 90% of my family is choosing not to go and some of them are just going to go to the church. Im very upset that I think I too am only going to the church so as not to give the satisfaction to her grandmother saying she had to pay my way…mind you that original invite list was 170, and at the time of my family, which is hers also being uninvited the count went up to 190, friends are still on the list and since I do not have any finances my family is still cut…….help, I need your thoughts
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I think it’s maybe a little mean…
Why not have a big engagement party and on the invite say that you are keeping the wedding small but you want them to help you celebrate beforehand?
I had this idea of having a photographer at the engagement and keeping a list of who attends the engagement party.
After the wedding send an announcement card with a photo from the party and thank them for their support and that you appreciated that they were able to celebrate with you
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Uh, this is not at all a made up thing. I received an emailed anti-invite tonight. I have no idea how to even respond to that email. What a classless thing to do.
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We have a running anti-invite joke in our family.. starting when I decided to celebrate my 30th with friends in the city and sent an invite to mum & dad saying they were “uninvited” as they were too old
…. Great laughs all round and now each time there is a special occasion we can’t all get together for we “uninvite” and then send photos showing the occasion.. One of those silly family jokes that I cannot has been turned into a “real thing”.. Hopefully our “bricks wrapped in big boxes as presents” at Xmas catches on too 
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So that’s 7 billion anti-invites and 112 invites.
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Much ado about nothing.! My sister is getting married and thought I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid ( the whole three times a bridesmaid never a bride thingy) Anyway when she discovered that I wasn’t serious so she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Then unfortunately they didn’t have enough groomsmen so had to ask me to step down, or whatever you call it. Poor thing was terrified to tell me, I asked her if I was still invited to the wedding. She gave me a look of death. Funnily enough none of this has bothered me, but my whole family are upset for me. My mum even referred to it as a kick in the teeth. Frankly I’m more concerned that my baby sister is getting married and I’m still single. I understand it is an important time in people’s lives but seriously sometimes I wonder if wedding plans are synonymous with lobotomies. And the advice I gave to my sister about everyone’s two cents? If you don’t like it tell the B*^%h to get f*#ked…..not gender specific just a blanket statement.
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What’s wrong with having an unequal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?!
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When planning my wedding in 2011, I had an old high school “friend” actually Facebook message me to ask why she wasn’t invited to our wedding.
‘Cause that is what a bride needs a month before the wedding!
Now wouldn’t the fact that you don’t have my phone number, email address or are even my friend on Facebook be an indication?
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My dilemma for my wedding next year is stressing me out. My immediate family (parents/siblings/aunts/uncles and first cousins) is huge, and so is my partners family.. Not to mention said extended family’s spouses and partners.
I want to have my wedding at my dream location, which is $250 per head and we have budgeted for 150 guests. However, that does not include a single colleague for either my partner or myself, or others whose weddings we have both attended and enjoyed immensely. Coming from an ethnic family, not inviting first cousins (who I am close with) is not acceptable. However, people like my boss and my besties from work don’t fit onto the budget… Yet I’ve been to all of their weddings/baby showers etc and we often all hangout after work.
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Perhaps it’s not the dream location you’re looking for
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When I got married a couple of years ago, I decided the guest list would be friends and immediate family (grandparents, parents and siblings) only, as I have around 30 Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc.
So what happens when you are really great friends with a couple of your cousins?
I decided to invite said cousins and call all the other members of my extended family and explain.
Yes, explain why they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding, but some family were…
Awkward.
But I felt at least they were hearing it personally from me, not second hand gossip.
There is no right way.
If you’re not invited, it sucks whatever way you’re told.
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I’m in the process of putting together a guest list for my wedding next year. Wedding planning is definitely a bit of a minefield but the guest list is really pretty simple – you’re either on it, or you’re not
There is no waaaay I would put myself through the awkwardness of explaining to someone who didn’t make the cut that they’re not invited. Surely it’s as easy as either inviting someone or just…. NOT!
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I simply don’t see the point of ‘save the date’ notes. Wasn’t it simply called a ‘wedding invitation’ once? And they were always sent six months in advance anyway, so unless you’re Julia Gillard, your calendar is probably clear.
It just seems so wanky to me.
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I think the only time they are necessary is if you’re having a destination wedding (people will need to book flights and accommodation) or getting married on a weekday (people need the advance notice to apply for time off work).
I didn’t bother with them, I’ll just send out the invites the standard 4-6 weeks in advance. Half the guest list have already asked me for the date anyway.
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Hilarious and insulting.
If I got one, I’d probably RSVP something like “Thank you so much for your anti-invite. We are delighted to accept and look forward to not attending your wedding”
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It’s happened to me! I got a verbal invite, then an email uninvite saying they’d be a bit uncomfortable with me there, but would like my children still to come, so how can we arrange them picking them up. I was a bit hurt when I first read it, but then I understood why – family politics – so I’m kind of relieved.
Still, if you gotta do that, pick up the phone and have a conversation about it. Shows more respect I reckon.
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WTF? If this is for real it’s so mean!
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This is as tacky as putting your bank account details on the invite.
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In 20 years we’re going to look back and think how did we become so self centered & vain?
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Hell, I think that now!
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Part of me wishes I had thought of this before getting married the rest of me realises how silly it is. We sent out invites to 100 people including a lot of family that said they definitely wanted to be there. In the end only 50 or so turned up because it was too much effort to either a- reply to the invite or b- make the effort to be a part of our day. Meh. In the end it was a great day and as much of a non-issue as how much parents stress about every little thing their pre-school child does or doesn’t do.
Your real friends will still be friends no matter what you choose to do on your wedding day, and no one else’s opinion really matters.
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Yuck, yuck, yuck! Hopefully this is a made up letter because I just can’t imagine anyone doing this! How tacky and rude!!!
I have been the recipient of a second round wedding invite. It was from a work friend who was very honest about it and said she would have loved to include another girl and me but numbers were tight. Once a few people declined she asked if we would like to go and we were both delighted! It’s all about how you do it and who the people are. I may not have been so happy had it been a close friend!
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Anti-invites? Why just not send them an invitation. That is how it usually works.
How very odd.
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Some people grow blinkers when they plan a wedding – their self importance grows and nobody else’s feelings matter except their own. These anti-invites are simply outrageous. What purpose do they serve? Also, am I the only one who thinks it is rude of marrying couples to expect people to pay thousands of dollars and take time off work to attend their ‘destination wedding’? A family member expected us to fly half way around the world to watch her get married. It was a tropical island, yet she got married in a full wedding gown/makeup/up-do/high heels in a church. Why bother flying all that way when you could have done the same thing at home and spared us the expense?
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Sometimes a couple can’t really help it though- one of my colleagues married a girl from the US a while back and they decided to have the wedding in Hawaii. Sure, sounds extravagant, but what could they do really- none of his family could afford to fly all the way to the US, none of her family could afford to fly all the way to Australia, and they didn’t have the time to organise two weddings. So they held it halfway in the hope that some family members from each side would be able to go.
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I agree, you shouldn’t be expected to pay thousands of dollars just to attend someone’s wedding.
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I don’t understand…you’re not expected to pay thousands of dollars to attend someones destination wedding – you are invited to. If you don’t want to or can’t afford to spend the money you simply decline the invitation.
I don’t understand people getting upset over destination weddings, the couple getting married should plan the wedding THEY want. Not the wedding their guests want….
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I wanted to get married overseas in a very secluded location. There’s no way in the world I would’ve expected anyone to fork out thousands and thousands to attend, so we eloped. Turns out people think that’s very rude also, and would’ve preferred the option of being invited.
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You just can’t win hey!
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no one who has a destination wedding ‘expects’ you to go. the whole reason people have these weddings is because they know less people will come, so it ends up being cheaper and more enjoyable for the couple.
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I don’t plan to get married but if I were to, anti-invites would not be something I would do.
However, I imagine there would be alot of people who would be quite surprised that they aren’t/won’t be invited which would probably be difficult to deal with.
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Why would anyone bother to send ‘anti-invites’? Like too much money spare?
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Too much self importance, I think.
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Huh. I wouldn’t do it but I can see how it might be useful if you have a very large extendedfamily/are a complete social butterfly and you have a feeling that a lot of people will be expecting wedding invites.
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Oh god I pray NOT to get invited to weddings. Honestly, unless it’s a close friend/sibling or your own child, it’s all pretty boring (and expensive!)
Have two wedding invites at the moment and I honestly would be quite happy not to attend, but feel obligated. Sounds ungrateful, I know, but by the time we pay for travel, accommodation, gift etc it’ll cost us over $1200. One of the weddings we’ll barely know anyone there, and the other we know but don’t particularly get on with the other guests.
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Maybe don’t go then?
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Easier said than done. So what reason should I give? Believe me, if I thought I could get out of it I would. I can’t lie though. I see these people pretty regularly. They are going to know I “chose” not to go unless I lie. (and I am sure to be caught out.)
In one case, certain circumstances (which I can’t go into here because it may identify me) have transpired that make it impossible for me not to go.
Would love to hear from you, or one of the 21 people who have liked your comment Some Random, if they have ever just “not gone” and openly admitted to the Bride and groom and families that they just didn’t want to go.
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Just send a decline, with no details. If they ask, be honest. “Couldn’t afford it.” They can’t really whinge about that.
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It’s an invitation, not an order. If you don’t like the people well enough to attend with good grace then don’t go. And yes, I have declined wedding invites before because I couldn’t justify the expense.
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Surely you guys realise that ‘letters to magazine advice columns’ are fabricated…
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How is this even a thing? Seems people have way too much time on their hands and fancy themselves a bit too much…
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This is why we’re eloping! All too hard…
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Can I ask where your eloping? My partner and I are planning to do the same on Thailand later this year – have tried to find info about how to do it all legally but I’m confused! I want to be married by a Buddhist monk, but apparently then it’s just a ‘blessing’ not a legal marriage. Does anyone have experience with eloping in Thailand?? Best wishes for your marriage Zia!
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Can I ask where your eloping? My partner and I are planning to do the same on Thailand later this year – have tried to find info about how to do it all legally but I’m confused! I want to be married by a Buddhist monk, but apparently then it’s just a ‘blessing’ not a legal marriage. Does anyone have experience with eloping in Thailand?? Best wishes for your marriage Zia!
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If your marriage is recognised as legal in the country you marry in, then it is recognised as legal in Australia, providing you would’ve been permitted to marry in Aus in the first place (ie. not same sex, underage or already married etc).
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Unfortunately not the law has been changed there is a certain wording in sections that have to be used in Australia that other country’s don’t use. The law was changed so that even if you get married overseas you have to go to the court house here or a celebrant to still make it official. We looked into it when we got married.
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Are you sure? Some friends just got married in Thailand and it wasn’t legally recognised so they had to do a registry office signing when they got home
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You have to go to the Australian Embassy in Bangkok a few days before you intend to wed or do all the legals here is Aus before you go. I think you can get legally married in Bora Bora that would be beautiful.
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my partner and i are getting married in thailand in 3 weeks. it is very common now and all the resorts have wedding packages available. Easy as…
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I had a different but related issue for a family member’s wedding. I was sent a “Save the Date” email, but then wasn’t told that I didn’t make the invitation list (they had decided to invite friends rather than relatives). And the bride works in PR, so that only made the situation a lot worse because of how poorly they handled it all. A lot of the family members that were invited ended up declining the invitation out of principle once they found out what had happened.
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This is almost as good as the close friend who had the ‘talk’ with me about why I was not next inline to be bridesmaid after one of her original choices found out she would be 8.5 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. The reason? I was too pretty and she didnt want the focus to be on me. Wow!
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A friend of mine who is a make up artist said that it wasn’t uncommon for brides to tell her that they wanted to look better than their bridesmaids.
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Lol, that’s fair enough on your big day, right?
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haha.. I jokingly told one of my friends she couldn’t show leg at my wedding because her stems are so lovely!
Trust me it was a joke I would never have a wedding and looking forward to eloping in secret shortly!
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Ouch. That’s horrible.
My MOH (and best friend) is a model. She is beautiful and thin but i would never dream of excluding her.
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I had a close friend who had the ‘talk’ with me about how I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid because I wasn’t thin enough and the pics wouldn’t look right.
We’re not so close these days…
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Oh my, that is really horrible.
And very self-involved on your friends behalf.
I understand why you’re not so close now.
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Wow, that’s a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one!
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My sister was a real bridezilla. She told me she was afraid because I was more attractive and taller than her, everyone would be looking at me instead. Her solution? Cut the bottom of my heels off so she was taller, ask me to dye my hair a completely different and less “attention seeking” colour (I refused, it’s my HAIR!!) and dress me in the most bloody awful, shiny gold lace dress you can imagine. Her wedding was a nightmare.
When it was all over, a few months later, I asked if she would like to keep my bridesmaids dress as I could no longer fit into it (and let’s face it, I was never going to wear it again.) She looked at me in mock sympathy and said, ” Oh, gained too much weight? Too big for it” ” Actually no,” Says I. “I dropped two dress sizes. Nothing in my wardrobe fits anymore.” You should have seen her face… I do feel for her though I know im making her sound awful. She’s always been a pretty insecure unhappy person and she has no reason to be.
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I chose my sister and cousin as bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. I had a ‘friend’ from school tell me they were a bad choice because ‘they are thin and pretty and you won’t look as good’.
This girl also told me she’d never ‘accept’ an engagement ring as small as mine, so there you go.
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Every member of my family except myself was once invited to a close family friends wedding … Who incidentally was a usher at my wedding and their little sister a flower girl! …anyway was a little upset but took it in my stride only to receive an email to say that I was on the 3rds list as in when people RSVP No the sent out invites to people on their 2nd’s and 3rds list !!! I found it extraordinary not only was I the only member in my family to be not originally invited I was then informed I was on the 3rds list ….. Think I would have rather been kept off the list altogether and just assumed I wasn’t invited !
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How insulting! I wouldn’t have gone even if I were invited.
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I would have accepted for me +1 and then not turned up!
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We got around the reception cost issue by having an afternoon tea after the ceremony. We served tea/coffee and cupcakes and hung around in the church yards to see everyone. We had two separate invites- the “please come to our wedding and afternoon tea” and the “please come to our wedding and reception”. That way everyone felt included and we didn’t have a massive reception bill.
I think the anti-invite is just plain rude.
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I went to a wedding like that just before last Christmas!
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Rude with a capital R
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Ever since getting hitched, I’d like to think I’m a lot more understanding of other peoples’ decisions around their weddings and wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t make the cut. It’s bloody hard, much harder than I thought.
With my big family, we drew a line and said first cousins only, no second cousins. It was almost fine, but one couple was really hurt and I still feel really bad.
I only invited 2 work colleagues in my immediate team – even though two others assumed they were invited and offered to tend bar if their partners could come! I’m so glad I didn’t take them up on that offer…never saw them again after they quit, anyway.
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It’s funny what different cultures deem to be good ‘etiquette’. My mother-in-law, who lives overseas, had a whole bunch of these made and sent them out to everyone she knew who we hadn’t invited. It doesn’t explicitly state that ‘you’re not invited’ but it announces the wedding and the date without any location details. Apparently this is totally acceptable and in fact normal where she’s from.
I found it really odd and particularly awkward, as many of these strangers (or distant relatives) then sent us cards, gifts and sometimes money.
I’m sure if we’d done that to our friends and relatives here there would have been endless bitching about us just angling for gifts!
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The only time I’ve been upset was when I was told to save the date and then didn’t make the final cut – after having arranged time off work etc. Another friend had been told as well and had arranged to come back from an overseas holiday a few days early to attend the wedding. She was also cut. We both understood that they had to cut down numbers but we wished the bride had the guts to tell us when the decision was made, not just let us hear through the grapevine that formal invites had been sent and that we had missed out.
On other occasion I’ve been told straight out by a friend with a big family that did I mind if I was on the ‘reserves’ bench. When a number of out of state relatives declined, I was more than happy to be invited in round 2. Was a fantastic wedding!
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We had a very ‘helpful’ (then) wife of a friend of ours call around to a number of mutual friends to let them know the date that we had chosen for our wedding so they ‘could get their flights and accommodation sorted’.
When she phoned to let me know how helpful she had been, I had to politely mention to her that the wedding was relatively small and some of the people she has called were not actually invited.
Awkward for everyone.
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like when my friend brought an old (mutual) school friend to our engagement drinks and she was the only one at the party not invited to the wedding. it was annoying because i was really looking forward to chatting with all my friends about wedding plans but my mum has drilled into me from childhood that you should never talk about a party in front of someone who’s not invited, so we spent our whole engagement party awkwardly avoiding the subject of our wedding!
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A room mate from Uni sent out heaps of invites to her wedding, to people she knew couldn’t attend, just so she could tell people how many invites were sent – I didn’t one, just incase i turned up!
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That is just plain rude!
I think most people understand when they aren’t invited to a wedding. After all you can’t invite everyone.
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I know of people who have just assumed they were being invited to weddings – talking about what they were going to wear etc. So, contrary to many of the posts below, there are a lot of people who don’t know which side of the friendship line they fall on.
However, I don’t think that justifies the anti-invite, which I think is just rude. The bride and groom have had to let some people know that they weren’t invited (who assumed they were), but I’m sure this has been happening since the beginning of weddings and is best handled in a more personal way.
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I have never been offended about not being invited to a wedding. They are expensive and complicated by family politics.
In a few cases, I have been to the church and then quietly slipped away after congratulating the happy couple and wishing them well.
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I like to do this also. I don’t mind sharing in the couple’s happy day, but if they’re not a close/good friend, I’m not offended if I don’t go to the reception.
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I think sending out a card saying you weren’t invited is quite rude, most people know that if they didn’t get an invitation they weren’t invited and there could be many reasons for it.
For people who are having really, really small weddings to save on costs, or eloping, or they have a lot of interstate / overseas family and friends who wouldn’t be able to make it, they have these cute cards that I have seen saying we got married. In the cards some people have included a photo of the happy couple or shared some their vows, I thought this was a nice way to include people on their happy day without saying to them you’re not invited.
When you have a large family and an even larger group of friends guest lists can be incredibly hard.
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Wow-harsh!!
I am in the middle of planning a wedding at the moment-August 31!!
. Guest lists are HARD! We are keeping it at around 70-not huge, but not too tiny. To do that we aren’t inviting all our aunts and uncles-only the ones we see. Same with our cousins. But we have gently put the word out to those family members.
I’m only inviting one work mate-I socialise with her quite regularly outside of work, my FH has met her and her partner, but I won’t be inviting anyone else from work. Because of that I will try to keep my wedding talk to a minimum at work, same with other people who I won’t be inviting.
I think most people realise if they will or won’t be invited, but if you aren’t sure, you as the bride and groom can make fairly subtle (or maybe non subtle hints) to let non guests know…
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Yikes, well just before christmas my friends from school had our annual christmas catch up (we get together through the year, but this one is a tradition) anywho, one of the girls in the group is getting married and one (yes just one) of the girls in our group who attended wasn’t invited… she was very upset to find out – it would have been crushing, it was a really awkward situation – perhaps the bride to be could have avoided this with an anti-invite :/
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Casting my mind back to when we were married (20 years ago) I can’t remember having to explain our invite list to anyone – no-one asked why they weren’t invited, no-one who wasn’t invited seemed to care in the least, and if they did they had the grace not to take it to heart. There is a limit after all to how many people you can seat in a church / cater to in a reception venue, and everyone knows that, surely.
Have people adapted reality TV game show rules to real life where people are told who has made it through to the next round, and who has been eliminated? Seriously – how precious are they?
This is one of those times I start to feel like a nanna – what happened to the simple rules of etiquette, such as trying to make people feel comfortable and good about themselves? As Kate says below, who could fail to be insulted at receiving written evidence that they WEREN’T good enough to come to your wedding?
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This is such a sign of self-absorption. Letting someone know they were DISCUSSED as a possible invitee but didn’t quite make the cut is, in my opinion, outrageously rude. Either invite or don’t, but to assume that people will be gutted they won’t be there is arrogant in the extreme. Chances are they will be immensly relieved they don’t have to buy a dress, a gift, possibly travel…
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We took the easy way out of this dilemma and invited nobody. Including parents. Which we took a lot of crap for – but we knew some close family could afford to come and some couldn’t (interstate), so part of the decision was consideration for them.
That said, I think there’s an invisible friendship line when it comes to wedding invites, and people pretty much know which side they are on.
If they are that imperceptive that they need an explanation or excuse for why they weren’t invited, I think the relationship will probably be trouble in all sorts of ways. If they aren’t that imperceptive … then I agree with amyspeak, you’d just be rubbing their faces in it. There’s enough rudeness in the world, why add to it!
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I think “don’t save the date” cards sound a bit like rubbing someone’s face in it actually. If I was on the receiving end I’d rather not have any indication of my lack of involvement, so I could just assume it was for whatever reason I wanted and then get on with my life and wish them the best when it came up.
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yup! I think if I received one of those ‘don’t save the date’ cards, I MIGHT be inclined to send a ThankYou card…spread the love, spread the awkwardness lol
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Maybe they should print cards that say “Thank you, but I was washing my hair anyway that night”.
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Not really an anti-invite but we wanted to let our friends and family know that we were finally getting married (after several years) but only having our parents there. We sent an announcement card that read:
“We are happy to announce that we are getting married on the 17th April 2010. We are having a small private ceremony in the Hunter Valley with our parents in attendance.We would love the gift of your good wishes and thoughts on our wedding day and we look forward to celebrating with you next time we are together.”
That way we let people know about the wedding but made it clear that no one was invited (apart from our folks) and that we didn’t want any gifts.
If we’d had more people there I think I would have still sent the card to friends we didn’t invite and amended the middle line to “with a few close family members in attendance”. Then as far as the rest of the family was concerned I would have called the ones who weren’t invited and explained this personally.
Weddings can be a minefield!
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I’m about to do this too! Having a registry wedding, there might be a total of 10 people in the room. Can’t NOT tell overseas family we are getting married, don’t expect them to fly over, and can’t send a photo and a card after the fact or I’ll be expelled. Love your wording too, I’ve been struggling with what to write I might paraphrase yours
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